HR Orientation Guide New Employees Dynamex Stevens
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This document appears to be from an orientation for new employees. It includes sections on getting to know yourself, performance reviews, dealing with stress, procedures for requesting services, and products available for employees. The overall document seems disorganized and includes random questions, lists of symptoms, and descriptions of tangible products without clear connections between sections.
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HR Orientation Guide New Employees Dynamex Stevens
- 1. Human Resources Orientation Dynamex Stevens, a proud sponsor of the InterLeagues
- 2. Lets get started: Are you ready?! What makes YOU YOU? Your name What do you like to do? Your home village Are you a short thinker or a long thinker? Your title Do you fear heights? How much volume do you displace in the workplace? What do you like better, opinions or facts? What level are you? Do you like seeing things or do you like saying things?
- 6. IS IT DONE YET?
- 8. why doesn’t this matter? why does this matter? why doesn’t this matter? why doesn’t this matter? why does this matter? why doesn’t this matter? why does this matter? why does this matter? why does this matter? why does this matter? why doesn’t this matter? why doesn’t this matter?
- 10. Symptoms of Losing Your Cool Aquaphobia Irritability & Chest Pain Hysteria Muscle spasms Sexual Excuses Trivial Complaints Severe Headaches Pathological doubt Delusions of persecution/grandeur Fear of acting on irrational impulses Thought blocking Nobody wanting to be that guy
- 11. IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, FIND A SOLUTION! 1. Locate PCR report at S.I.R.B. (8-3:30 M-Th) 2. Complete a Request of Services Form ($5) (3-6 week wait) 3. Find your Personal User Authorization Key: 2DX-8775-6G214- 4I9O88-295FC6-5G7C-CC903D-3A7024C-GREEN1-9RZ5501Z- 237S42C-G7552Y-09XXC43-TS722-VB0-53HFF-217G88X9 4. Forward to Rectifications Dept. w/ attached K-C8D form 5. Provide Acquisition Services Directorate w/ receipt of transaction from Rectifications and retrieve corrected PCR report
- 12. Some products & tangible services Post-mates (comes w/ Facial Obscurity Hood)
- 14. Tangible Product Catalogue (cont.) Plurality License Allows you to legally refer to yourself in the plural, and so everything you say will gain an added legitimacy to those who hear it because you will be saying “we did this, we think that, etc” so that people will think that others are constantly agreeing with and participating with you, lending you extra authority
- 15. Tangible Product Catalogue (cont.) Inclement Weather Mitigator This mp3 player will only play screamo and death metal. It comes preloaded with music designed to hyperstimulate your auditory senses, rendering other sensations (tactile, visual, olfactory) less perceptible for the duration, in the same tradition of the atmosphere inside an Abercrombie and Fitch.
- 17. Things to watch out for ! Animals and insects The vending machines on the 7th floor Heights Police Trains, some buses and traffic Exercise equipment in the FitnessCenter Automatically flushing toilets Inclement weather Elevators and stairwells (escalators being neutral) Intrusive thoughts
- 18. Long term goal: Prevent the arising of new information But, most importantly, We do things so we can do things later
Editor's Notes
- Hey guys, first off, id just like to say thank you all for being here, and also say sorry in advance for anything that might happen down the line, but, y’know, our time is precious, so let’s just dive right into the slides What is a human resource? What is a resource? A Resource is something you NEED to PRODUCE something Something is: a material, money, blah, blah, blah Once yoou use resources, you exhaust them (once people tire, u have to replace them, u need NewPeople) as a rule of thumb ppl from younger ages become people at older
- Um y’know, so id just like to kick it off here with a few simple um warmup excercises. Y’know guys, in the workplace, perception is reality, and how you percieve yourself will make a big difference in y’know, whether or not you are useful in helping DynaMex Stevens complete our goals. So its really important before you do anything (NO, ITS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ACTUALLY DOING THAT THING) to just know you’re ready, you’re stretched out and loosened up and really just ready to hit the ground running. A quick way to make sure you wont go off half-cocked is y’know just to think about what sets you apart here at Dynamex Stevens. Y’know, our company has really made a point of diversity practice recruiting So I’d like everyone to just pause and reflect for a moment on the qualities that y’know, set you apart from everyone else.
- There are some MegaTrends out there, the world is changing (ominously) y’know, a new dawn is beginning, things are gonna change can you feel it? But some things are gonna stay the same. So there really are different kinds of Megatrends Looping megatrend: (cell phones getting smaller smaller smaller, and, having reached a smallest point, are now getting larger larger larger)
- There r also linear megatrends, and these are trends tha t increase constantly in one direction. Y’know think about the new phenomenon of electronic cigarettes, and you’ll see that the more recent the model, the larger it is in size. Linear megatrends are great, y’know, and often beneficial to the economy, but with Linear MegaTrends especially we need to be careful to always remember where we came from, and how to work our way back there if we need to, y’know, since Linear Megatrends are known for getting out of hand we just need to be cognizant moving forward
- “so y’know, it can really get pretty bad” this rendering right here forecasts the potential worst case scenario for the e-cig linear trend; Growth at an exponential rate CAN be dangerous, and a lot of the times with linear megatrends we will all just find ourselves y’know an e-huge this large could have serious respiratory and atmospheric implications
- Y’know, we do serve a higher authority we’ve gotta execute these assigned tasks y’know , because or work is a full time occupation rewarded by a salary and prospects of career advancement. So a good habit to get into that I usually tell the newbies at orientation is to make a calendar .. Exactly like this one, y’know and this’ll help you a lot from here on out. Remember, were making things happen to ensure that the things that are supposed to happen after them can keep happening, we’re really planning for the future. Y’know, 98 percent of dollars don’t correspond to an economic value that exists now but corresponds to an economic value that will exist in the future. So y’know, mock up a calendar like this one, or you can download a print-friendly version from the employee toolkit sector of our website but really just make sure to follow it all the time, Goals tell people that you’re someone who is going somewhere
- So, the workplace vibe was a toolkit devised before I was with Dynamex, when I was brought into an organization to work on a teambuilding project, and y’know, what we were really going for was to develop a plug n play program with a casual, laid back approach in mind, while simultaneously giving it a very polished, professional look. So, y’know, I know this concept has a lot of moving parts, so y’know I took the liberty of making this helpful infographic to help explain the kind of workplace synergy were tryna go for here at Dynamex Stevens Now the workplace isn’t y’know, like an highway system, with all the roads and the whole shebang laid out and planned from the beginning, but, y’know, its not an organic social network either, so to speak, meaning our relationship s arent yknow, formed at the grocery store, so to speak) So its really a little bit of both these things in reality. we know are currently inserted in a compartmentalized hierarchy of importance, and tasked with different objectives, but y’know our social relationships take shape inside of and around that. I like to think of a tree that had a chain link fence erected to close to it and has begun growing through the fence in bulging diamond shape little bulbs SO I know, with something with this many moving parts it could be easy to get overwhelmed and lose your core competency, but then why are you at HR orientation? Its actually really simple. During your quarterly evaluations by the HRSO, youll be assessed on your compliance to a number of criteria, ranked and awarded an amount of DynaPoints. (these points roll over quarter to quarter but do not transfer annually) . Now here at dynamex stevens as a rule of thumb we like to
- Promoting an active fitness culture here at Dynamex. This is so important to Kip Tindell, our CEO that we conduct a bi-monthly walkability assessment to ensure a safe and pleasant enviornment for walking as well as offering reduced cost pedometers to employees of over 8 months. Fitness can be a great way to measure your goals. One exercise I find helpful is goal-reflection during incline walks up stairwells. Our stairwells were recently re-painted and also decorated with new artwork recently. To goal-reflect, all that you have to do is have a goal in mind, and walk up a flight of stairs. On the first stair, think about why it matters. On the second stair, think about why it doesn’t matter. On the third stair, think about why it matters on the fourth stair think about why it doesn’t matter on the fifth stair think about why it matters on the sixth stair think about why it doesn’t matter on the seventh stair think about why it matters on the eighth stair think about why it doesn’t matter on the ninth stair think about why it matters on the tenth stair think about why it doesn’t matter on the eleventh stair think about why it matters on the twelfth stair think about why it doesn’t matter And y’know you don’t have to ask whether it matters or not y’know my son has started doing this he really loves it and he just says yay and oh-no on every other stair
- Y’know, so we like to keep tabs on our human resources here. You will all be evaluated by the Human resource strategy office quarterly for compliance with WorkPlace Vibe standards. And really this isn’t a big deal, y’know they just wanna see over there at HRSO that youre keeping your cool. For example, lacing your conversations with four letter words or doing away with the formalities in your emails to clients will go a long way towards us thinking you’ve kept your cool. Fact is ladies and gentlemen the world just moves too quickly now for “ “hello” and “sincerely” And y’know, to really fast-track the process, I whipped up something I call the Performance Review Toolkit. This is just an easy way to keep track of all the people, words and feelings in your situation, and y’know, a shorthand way to plan how you should optimally perform. So the types of people we encounter are we’s, me’s you’s and them There are ways we can interact with these people. We can input and output talks that increase in severity such as questions to accusations, requests to commands, declarations to brags, and there are talks which are a MIX of both, like expectations (a hybrid between commands and questions)Don’t say rude things, like “how did that answer my question” or “youd like to know wouldn’t you” y’know Everything you say or do communicates something about you, so A competent human resource can use different types of talks to elicit feelings in other people; you can foster fear and anxiety by accusing people, especially if they don’t know what you want from them. On the other hand You can use encouragements to let them know that they do have what you want which makes people feel good. There are some things you should never say like, NEVER SAY “NO PROBLEM” because nothing is no problem.ANYTHING IS ALWAYS A PROBLEM SO YOU’RE LYING AND LYING IS ALSO A PROBLEM
- Y’know, now you all were chosen to work for Dynamex Stevens because of your results oriented performance, your skills in knowledge management, and of course, your talent.
- YOU HAVE TO DO THIS Now, y’know if you notice there’s an error with the your PCR report, your gonna wanna go to Systems Information Request Booth, theyre open 8 am to 3;30 pm monday through Thursday. Ur gonna wanna pay $5 to fill out a request of service retrieval form, and provide a diagram documenting how you think the possible error occurred, along with included estimated percentage of blame amounts for coworkers and yourself concerning the incident and a brief addendum suggesting ways this won’t happen in the future, and then ur gonna wanna wait around 3-6 weeks to process, but really who knows. When you receive it, you’ll want to find your PUAK and forward it to Rectifications Department, making sure to include the atttached k-C8d. Wait 5-11 business days before providing acquisition services directorate w a receipt from Rectifications, and you’ll be presented with a corrected PCR report
- Now, while our company isn’t really known for its concrete products, (as our more important and highly grossing sectors are focused on non-material considerations such as helping you keep your promises, giving you more vibrant, cleaner clothes, and letting you take care of yourself so we take care of the rest, we do have a tangible products (t.p.) division that does manufacture some physical objects for sale. So uh last fall we launched our own dating app, Post(modern)mates delivery/dating service Our bold, scientific approach to matching means more quality dates with deeply compatible singles that truly understand you. app that logs your interests, stores that you visit, streets that you frequently walk down, where you buy stuff, where you work out, coffee shops you frequent, the train stops that you use the most, and suggests matches to users who have similar consumption matters and who you will run into IRL This includes an optional facial obscurity hood, customized to your unique skin pigmentation. It allows your face to remain relatively uncontroversial while you attempt to cultivate a relationship on postmates, though of course with a QR code for security purpose (believe me, we cant just have a bunch of people walking around in resturaunts and stores completely anonymous, especially after that terrible incident during the testing phase involving a bonnie and clyde esque anonymous duo of nude faced bank robbers
- This app also has a hardware component for those who wish to participate; a tall plastic cylinder is affixed to the torso, and is filled with liquid. As you meet people and establish feelings of mutuality with them (“oh, i like FKA twigz too, i also go on runs, my mom shops at costco too) you affix a hose to eachothers graduated cylinders and exchange a corresponding amount of different colored liquid. Once the liquid in each persons cylinder homogenizes with the other’s to be the same color, rapport is at a premium and a relationship can often commence (questioning here whether one should have any agency in the fluid exchange apart from the decision to tether their cylinders together; it seems like the amount and direction of fluid transfer should be automatic, or at least left up to an in-app algorithm
- For a small fee we offer….Y’know and this is really great, bc….. Turns you from a “you” to a “they” its much harder to argue with a “they”
- Invaluable for that workday commute ! And again, if any of you are at all interested in any of these prodcuts, be sure to contact me after the orientation for special reduced-cost employee discount options!
- Y’know, so this is a pretty popular employee and manager toolkit, um, and y’know, we call it the contingency model because y’know theres no one right way to go about doing something okay? We’re gonna take care of what we need to take care of, of course, but y’know it all depends on the situation. Uh, what time is it? Where are you? How do you feel? How do you feel about the people around you? How do you feel the people around you feeel about you? How contingent are those feelings on eachother? (the answer is usually very. No im sorry, the answer usually varies) A good tip for identifying your precise situation is to know 4 things, the time, your x coordinate, your z coordinate (so that’s street and avenue for our new york office) and then your y coordinate, or the floor number of the building youre on. These are all things we need to consider when we’re leveraging our window of opportunity.
- Y’know as we go about our day in the office, there are certain things that we should constantly be cognizant of and looking out for. This is the list of objects compiled by our I.T..P.A.M.C. (INTERNAL THREAT PREVENTION AND MITIGATION COMMITTEE) that are commonly evil-aligned and wish us harm (seek to hinder our workday, steal time from us)
- so , y’know what I Kip himself once say, and now always catch myself saying and conferences and so forth, is y’know so if i had a genie and i had three wishes, id only need one. automation. Once we have all we need, y’know as this really is an information driven field, but y’know, one of the long term goals of our CEO Kip Tindell and our company is to prevent the arising of new information once we have collected enough. Y’know, as long as new information is produced, our job never ends, and let’s be honest, all of us wanna get home, flip on the tv and unwind, so yeah, we aim to eventually halt this process of information production, y’know, so we can just kick back and work with what we have. So, on that note, I’d like to say thank you all for listening. We’re gonna break for 15 minutes, help yourselves to some snacks and beverages, and we’ll reconvene in room 208-c for a managerial role playing team building activity. Get excited, human resources, we’ve gotta great day ahead of us!