A Free eBook written by Oh Teik Theam. This collection of English Puns serves to 'Edutain' (Educate and Entertain) especially lovers of the English language.

1. OH TEIK THEAM

2. 200
GREAT PUNS
FREE
EBOOK
OH TEIK THEAM

3. 200 GREAT PUNS
Copyright © 2023 Oh Teik Theam
Published by Oh Teik Theam
This ebook is published solely for free
distribution/circulation. It should not be
used in any way for commercial gain.

4. A pun is the lowest form of humour—when you don’t think of it first.
- Oscar Levant

5. Preface
What is a pun? It is a humorous use of a word that has different meanings, or of words of
the same sound and different meanings.
Homographic puns make use of multiple meanings from a single word. Example: The
motorist says to the cop, “Why can’t I park here? The sign says ‘Fine for Parking’!”
Homophonic puns make use of words that have the same pronunciations but different
meanings and spellings. Example: Having worked in the hotel for twelve years, she is
quite inn experienced.
Related to homophonic puns are those that sound only slightly alike. Example:
“Venice the next gondola?”
“Fused” puns are rather ingenious. We take two parts of two words and combine them
to form a manufactured word that usually reflects the meanings of the two original words.
Example: The early start of the cold season has winterrupted our plans for the new
project.
Tom Swifties are adverbial puns. Example: “I buried the dead dog in the garden,” he
said gravely.

6. CONTENTS
1. The Tightrope Walker
2. The Rent
3. The Toast
4. Favourite Foods
5. The Right Man
6. Mood Poisoning
7. Iceberg
8. Blood Bank
9. Dental Appointment
10. Tummy Size
11. The Librarian
12. Ten Different Puns
13. Spelling Mistakes
14. Get Down
15. Quick Change
16. Bad Joke
17. Talking Sheepdog
18. The Party
19. Goldilocks
20. Broken Pipe
21. Parking Meter
22. Narrow Escape
23. Snow White
24. Insomnia
25. Keyboard Factory
26. Lost Three Fingers
27. The New Maid
28. The Dog’s Name
29. The Frog Prince
30. Garbage Truck Worker
31. Speed Bump
32. The Hare and the Tortoise
33. Frequent Travelling
34. The Taxi Passenger
35. Cinderella
36. Grilled a Chicken
37. Buying a Horse
38. The Kangaroos
39. The Riddle
40. Two Flies
41. The Visitor
42. The Security Guard
43. Birds
44. Caught a Snake

7. 45. The Operation
46. Missing Wife
47. Petty Things
48. Cats
49. Football
50. Vacuum Cleaner
51. Haystack Thief
52. The Hungry Fox
53. Living Scarecrow
54. Low Magnesium
55. A Man’s Best Friend
56. The Pirate
57. Fruit Jokes
58. The Bachelor
59. The Farmer’s Wife’s Birthday
60. The Tongue-Twister Champion
61. Drawing Paper
62. The Hot Dog Seller
63. The Sick Cow
64. Buying a Dog
65. The Spaghetti
66. Colour-Blind
67. Debt Collector
68. Snake Skins
69. The Ink Drop
70. The Password
71. Cut the Meat
72. The Packed Pile of Hay
73. Sea Monsters
74. Punctual
75. The Undertaker
76. The Beggar
77. Punched the Keyboard
78. Rope
79. The Spelling Test
80. The Luggage
81. Tasty Fruit
82. Pinocchio
83. Calories
84. Weapons of War
85. The Contortionist
86. Milking Cows
87. The Baker
88. Solitary Tear
89. Flying Carpet
90. Seven Days

8. 91. Sentences
92. The King
93. The Distance
94. High Definition
95. Late for School
96. Arithmetic Jokes
97. Fruit Drink
98. Fully Qualified
99. One Eye
100. Reckless Driving
101. Tablecloth Stain
102. Nostalgia
103. Peas
104. Husbands
105. The Fountain
106. The Experience
107. The Carpenter
108. Three Blind Mice
109. Cookies
110. The Miserly Husband
111. Wash the Car
112. Bad Habit
113. The Nun
114. The Puncture
115. The Prostitute
116. Sew
117. Illegal Casino
118. Surrogate Mother
119. Town Mouse and Country Mouse
120. The Jogger
121. Polluted Water
122. The Record
123. Kissed
124. The Birthday Present
125. The Chess Champ
126. The Farmer
127. Making a Ladder
128. The Coat
129. Disappointed
130. Crossword Puzzle
131. The Rich Widower
132. Reflection
133. The Patient’s Call
134. The Chess Game
135. The Homework
136. Where’s the P?

9. 137. Strangers in a Bar
138. Two Boys and a Dog
139. The Bank Customer
140. Two Cannibals
141. Full Stop
142. Tomato Sauce
143. The Doctor
144. Eyes
145. Poultry Farm
146. The Dieter
147. Do Something
148. The Conductor
149. The Soup
150. The Check-Up
151. Drought
152. Hard-Boiled Egg
153. The Itch
154. Not Married
155. The Judge
156. More Lives
157. Best Time
158. The Deer
159. Broken Arm
160. Gym Job
161. Face Mask
162. Plane Crash
163. No Mask
164. Pull It Off
165. The Henpecked Husband
166. Twin Sister
167. Reading a Book
168. Missing Eggs
169. A Twig
170. Inside Knowledge
171. The Prostitute’s Customer
172. The Ant
173. Three-Legged Cow
174. The Coin Dealer
175. The Writer
176. Cockroaches
177. Mirror Factory
178. A Bun in the Oven
179. Lucky Guy
180. Aquariums
181. Cold Floor
182. Two Puppies

10. 183. Roadblock
184. Shopping List
185. The Lumberjack
186. The Banana
187. Rectangular Table
188. Clear the Table
189. The Newspaper Editor
190. Made a Baby
191. The Fence
192. Blood
193. Shirt Size
194. Queue
195. Creature
196. Water Bill
197. Birthday Cake
198. The Ballpoint Pen
199. The Teacher’s Punishment
200. Wild Horses

11. 1. The Tightrope Walker
The phone rings in the tightrope walker’s house. His wife answers it.
“It’s the bank manager, dear,” she says. “I think he wants to talk to you about your
outstanding balance.”
“This is fantastic,” he says, smiling broadly. “I have a new fan!”
2. The Rent
“The rent for your apartment is due today.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t pay you now: I’m flat broke.”
3. The Toast
The teacher says to a pupil, “Correct this sentence: The toast was drank.”
The pupil says, “The toast was eaten.”
4. Favourite Foods
My favourite foods are dim sum, laksa, sushi and, last but not East, pizza.
5. The Right Man
“Why are you not married?” he asked her.
“I’m waiting for the right man,” she said.
“Wait no more. I’m Mr. Right—I’ve never been miss-taken!”
6. Mood Poisoning
I have mood poisoning. Must be something I hate. (Marilyn Manson)
7. Iceberg
The little boy drew a picture of an I-ceberg that was shaped like the ninth letter of the
alphabet.
8. Blood Bank
Wiping his big hand on his gown,
The blood bank chief said with a frown,
“The news is bad;
It’s very sad.
We have been caught with our pints down.”
9. Dental Appointment
The husband asked his wife, “What time is your appointment with the dentist?”
With her hand on her cheek, she said, “Tooth hurty.”
10. Tummy Size
If I reduce my tummy size,
I may win the Nobelly Prize.
11. The Librarian

12. The librarian said to her assistant, “We have no more elf space for these new books of
fairy tales.”
The assistant said, “We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves!”
12. Ten Different Puns
A friend of mine was feeling depressed, so I WhatsApped him ten different puns, with
the hope that at least one of the puns would cheer him up.
No pun in ten did.
13. Spelling Mistakes
The secretary printed out the letter that she had typed on her computer.
Her boss read the letter and said, “There are a few spelling mistakes.”
The secretary said, “The office is too cold.”
“So?”
“When it’s too cold, I have an attack of typothermia.”
14. Get Down
Q. How do you get down from an elephant?
A. You don’t. You get down from a duck.
15. Quick Change
A magician says to her best friend, “Richard threatened to leave me because of my
obsession with the Quick Change trick.”
“What did you do?”
“I said to him, ‘Wait, I can change.’”
16. Bad Joke
A bad joke is like a bad egg, all the worse for being cracked. (Josh Billings)
17. Talking Sheepdog
A talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen and says to the farmer, “All fifty sheep
accounted for, sir.”
“But I have only forty-eight sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the canine, “but I rounded them up!”
18. The Party
The flying trapeze star was late for the party. It was already in full swing.
19. Goldilocks
Goldilocks entered the cottage of the three bears through an open window.
She whispered to herself, “The curtains are drawn, but the table and chairs are real!”
20. Broken Pipe
Father Bear cried, “Someone broke my pipe!”
Mother Bear said, “Keep your shirt on. I’ll get you a new one from the jungle store.”

13. “That won’t be necessary,” said Father Bear. “I think my friend Macguybear can fix
it.”
21. Parking Meter
A parking meter is a coin-ivorous machine.
22. Narrow Escape
Two mice had just had a narrow escape from a cat. Panting, one said, “I think I’m going
to faint.”
His friend said, “Please don’t do that: I don’t know how to administer mouse-to-mouse
resuscitation!”
23. Snow White
“I will help you with the housework,” Snow White said to the seven dwarfs. “As long as I
am here, this cottage will not go to raccoon ruin!”
24. Insomnia
“I had a bout of insomnia last night,” the maid says to her mistress.
“This explains why the floor is so dusty,” says the mistress. “It is suffering from sweep
deprivation!”
25. Keyboard Factory
The manager of the keyboard factory said to a worker, “You need to pull up your socks.”
The worker said, “What did I do wrong?”
“You missed a shift yesterday.”
26. Lost Three Fingers
A machine operator in a factory lost three fingers in an accident.
When he was discharged from the hospital, he asked the doctor, “Will I still be able to
write with my hand?”
The doctor said, “Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.”
27. The New Maid
The new maid read the instruction on the cap of the bottle of strawberry jam: Twist to
Open. Shaking her head, she whispered to herself, “Just my luck—the only dance I can’t
do!”
28. The Dog’s Name
“What’s your dog’s name?”
“Locksmith.”
“That’s an unusual name.”
“Well, every time I open the door, he makes a bolt for it.”
29. The Frog Prince

14. In the fairy tale The Frog Prince, the king asked the frog, “Why do you want to stay in a
castle? As a frog, time is fun when you are having flies.”
30. Garbage Truck Worker
My neighbour said to me, “My son is training to be a garbage truck worker.”
I said, “He doesn’t need training for that: He just picks it up as he goes along.”
31. Speed Bump
A man who was driving his new car suddenly began to shiver.
His wife, who was in the front passenger seat, asked, “What’s wrong?”
“Look at that thing ahead of us.”
“The speed bump?”
“Yes—I have a fear of it.”
“Don’t worry, dear. You’ll slowly get over it.”
32. The Hare and the Tortoise
In the fable The Hare and the Tortoise, the hare taunted his competitor, “The only way to
make you fast is to take away your food!”
33. Frequent Travelling
“This job requires you to travel frequently,” the boss says to the new employee. “You’ll
jet used to it.”
34. The Taxi Passenger
“Take the next turning,” the passenger says to the cabby.
“This one on the left?”
“Right!”
35. Cinderella
It was a happy ending for Cinderella.
The prince asked her, “Do you want your stepmother and stepsisters to be severely
punished for their cruelty towards you?”
“No,” she said. “I forgive them, because I want to feel joy.”
“I second the emotion,” he said with a prepossessing pumpkin-size smile.
36. Grilled a Chicken
Yesterday I grilled a chicken for ninety minutes. But I did not get any good result: It
stubbornly refused to tell me why it crossed the road.
37. Buying a Horse
A man who was interested in buying an old thoroughbred horse wanted a veterinarian’s
opinion before finalizing the transaction. After the vet had examined the equine animal,
the man asked, “Will I be able to race him?”
“Sure,” said the vet seriously, “and you’d probably win.”

15. 38. The Kangaroos
Mother Kangaroo says to her son, with mild reproach in her tone, “Go out and play with
your friends. Don’t be a pouch potato!”
39. The Riddle
“I nearly died from laughing last night.”
“What was so funny?”
“My ten-year-old son asked me a riddle: Which has more legs—one horse or no horse?
I didn’t know the answer, and he said, ‘The answer is no horse. One horse has four legs,
but no horse has five legs.’”
40. Two Flies
Two flies were resting on Robinson Crusoe’s back. “So long,” said one. “Perhaps I’ll see
you on Friday.”
41. The Visitor
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Please don’t cry—I’m here for only thirty minutes!
42. The Security Guard
“I was sacked from my job as a security guard in a bank.”
“That’s terrible. What happened?”
“A thief entered the bank, and I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step,
I’d let him have it.”
“And then what happened?”
“He took one more step, so I let him have it. I don’t like guns anyway.”
43. Birds
Magpie, peewit, mynah and jay
Drink coffee in a nest-café.
44. Caught a Snake
The two farmhands caught a snake that was 3.14 feet long. (It was a π-thon.)
45. The Operation
Before the surgical operation, the patient asked the anaesthetist, “Can I administer the
needle myself?”
The anaesthetist said, “Knock yourself out.”
46. Missing Wife
A farmer whose wife ran away from home said to himself, as he started the engine of his
motor vehicle, “I will tractor down.”

16. 47. Petty Things
Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things. (George Carlin)
48. Cats
“You have three dogs?”
“That’s right.”
“Any cats?”
“None.”
“Why?”
“I don’t like their cattitude.”
49. Football
Q. What lights up a football stadium?
A. A football match.
50. Vacuum Cleaner
My vacuum cleaner is only three months old, but it sucks. (All it does now is gather
dust.)
51. Haystack Thief
“This is the third time this week that someone has stolen a haystack of mine,” the farmer
said.
“Are you finally going to report the theft to the police now?” a farmhand asked.
“Definitely—this is the last straw!”
52. The Hungry Fox
A hungry fox which wanted to raid the farmer’s coop chickened out at the last minute.
53. Living Scarecrow
A farmer said to himself, “I will be a living scarecrow from dawn to dusk. I hear they
give an award to people who are out standing in their field.”
54. Low Magnesium
My doctor sent me a WhatsApp message. It read: You have low magnesium.
My reply read: Omg.
55. A Man’s Best Friend
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
(Groucho Marx)
56. The Pirate
A pirate met an old friend whom he had not seen in a month of Sundays.
The friend said, “You have a beautiful wooden peg and a strong hook. How much did
you pay for them?”

17. The pirate said, “An arm and a leg.”
57. Fruit Jokes
“Why did you break up with your boyfriend?”
“He said my fruit jokes were lame, and I decided to let that mango.”
58. The Bachelor
The footloose bachelor said with an anguished groan,
“My mother keeps saying I’ve no wife of my own;
She is really upset,
But she seems to forget
I’m just waiting for the right girl to come alone.”
59. The Farmer’s Wife’s Birthday
“Happy birthday, dear,” the farmer said to his wife. And he gave her a hog and a kiss.
60. The Tongue-Twister Champion
“How do you plead?” the judge asked the tongue-twister champion, who was charged
with stealing a book.
“Guilty, Your Honour, but please don’t give me a tough sentence.”
61. Drawing Paper
“Why are you crying?” the teacher asks a pupil.
The little boy says, “Someone stole my drawing paper.”
“It’s all right, dear. You need a shoulder to crayon.”
62. The Hot Dog Seller
“Why did you fire your helper?” I asked the hot dog seller.
He said, “Yesterday she put her hair in a bun.”
63. The Sick Cow
The vet examines the cow and says to the farmer, “It is not in the moo-d to give milk—or
perhaps there’s an udder reason!”
64. Buying a Dog
“Do you have any dogs going cheap?” the little boy asks the pet shop proprietor.
Grinning perkily, the proprietor says, “No, only woof!”
65. The Spaghetti
The mistress asks her maid, “Why did you throw the spaghetti away?”
The maid says, “It was already pasta expiry date.”
66. Colour-Blind
“You are colour-blind,” the doctor said to the patient.
The patient arched a brow and said, “This is completely out of the green.”

18. 67. Debt Collector
“You are a persistent debt collector—I have got to hand it to you.”
68. Snake Skins
A trader who sells snake skins stores them in his shed.
69. The Ink Drop
“Why are you so sad?” the eraser asked the ink drop.
The ink drop said, “My dad is in the pen doing a long sentence.”
70. The Password
“What? Your password is ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’?”
“Well, the computer says it has to be at least eight characters long.”
71. Cut the Meat
The housewife says to her new maid, “Cut the meat into strips.”
The maid asks, “What width?”
The housewife shakes her head and says, “With a knife!”
72. The Packed Pile of Hay
“That packed pile of hay looks like a letter of the alphabet,” says the farmer, grinning
perkily.
A farmhand says, “It’s a beautiful A stack!”
73. Sea Monsters
Sea monsters, strong to their fingertips,
Catch for their daily meals fish and ships.
74. Punctual
“This is the first time you are not late for school. What happened?”
“There was a spider on my shin, so I decided to shake a leg.”
75. The Undertaker
The young undertaker is so handsome that many girls are dying to meet him.
76. The Beggar
A beggar bought a birthday gift for himself. It cost him an arm and a beg.
77. Punched the Keyboard
In a moment of anger, I punched the keyboard when the computer defeated me in a game
of chess.
The keyboard was slightly damaged. I lost control.

19. 78. Rope
“I’m writing an article on ropes. I want to end it with some humour. Do you know any
good rope jokes?”
“I’m a frayed knot.”
79. The Spelling Test
The mother says to her son, “I see you got a B plus for your spelling test. That’s not bad.”
The boy says, “I could have got an A, but I didn’t know how to spell Armageddon.”
“Don’t worry about it, dear. It’s not the end of the world.”
80. The Luggage
“I heard you sued the airport for misplacing your luggage. Was your lawsuit successful?”
“No, I lost the case.”
81. Tasty Fruit
Gretel ate a fruit in the wood.
She exclaimed, “This tastes berry good!”
82. Pinocchio
Pinocchio says to Geppetto, “I want to become a pupil at the school.”
Geppetto says, “That’s not possible: You are not a human.”
“You are a puppeteer and a good friend of the headmaster’s. I’m sure you can pull
strings to get me enrolled.”
83. Calories
An obese woman wrote in her diary: Today I burned about two thousand calories in thirty
minutes. (I forgot to take the cookies out of the oven.)
84. Weapons of War
May the weapons of war rust in peace. (Robert Orben)
85. The Contortionist
A young man says to the circus manager, “I’m looking for a job. Can you help me?”
The circus manager says, “What can you do?”
“I’m a contortionist.”
“Really?” says the circus manager, incredulously.
“Give me a chance. Let me show you what I can do.”
“OK. Go ahead and make an S of yourself.”
86. Milking Cows
The foreign worker did not have a jerk permit to milk cows.
87. The Baker
The baker reprimanded his two assistants for playing tic-tac-dough during working hours.

20. 88. Solitary Tear
He said to her, “I love you.”
She smiled, wiped a solitary tear from her eye, and said, “If I let it fall, it will have the
cheek to go on!”
89. Flying Carpet
Aladdin and his wife, Jasmine, were about to fly over the desert in their flying carpet.
Jasmine said, with a soft sigh, “Will we be able to see what may be pointed out in the
desert?”
“What’s that?” Aladdin asked.
“A cactus!” she said, giggling.
90. Seven Days
Aladdin said to the genie, “Give me some healthful food. I have not eaten a decent meal
for seven days.”
“Seven days, eh?” said the genie. “That makes one weak.”
91. Sentences
A man said to his wife, “It’s amazing how we always finish each other’s—”
She said, “Sentences!”
A year later, they were both found guilty of a crime and given a two-year prison term.
The husband said, “Let’s finish each other’s—”
The wife said, “Sentence!”
92. The King
“The handsome king,” she wrote,
“Was crowned in a reign coat.”
93. The Distance
“I understand you increase the distance of your jogging every week. How is it going?”
“So far, so good.”
94. High Definition
“What is your New Year’s resolution?”
“1440p.”
95. Late for School
It was the first day of school for the brooms of a coven of witches.
One broom was thirty minutes late.
The teacher asked, “Why are you late?”
The broom said, “I’m sorry, ma’am. I overswept.”
96. Arithmetic Jokes
History jokes leave me numb, but arithmetic jokes leave me number.

21. 97. Fruit Drink
“This is the perfect fruit drink,” says Grace;
“Definitely no more wild juice chase!”
98. Fully Qualified
“Dr. Zyaronskow is waiting for you,” the nurse said to the patient.
The patient said, “Which doctor?”
“Definitely not—he’s fully qualified.”
99. One Eye
“The police are looking for a crook with one eye.”
“Half-heartedly, eh?”
“No, I mean they are looking for a crook with one eye called Fred.”
“I still say they are inefficient. They should have found out the name of the other eye!”
100. Reckless Driving
“I see you hurt your hand.”
“Yes, reckless driving.”
“Oh, a car.”
“No, a nail.”
“Oh, I see—wrong nail.”
101. Tablecloth Stain
The lazy maid covered a stain on the tablecloth with a plate before her mistress could
spot it.
102. Nostalgia
Nostalgia is living life in the past lane. (Anonymous)
103. Peas
The two girls are as alike as stew peas in a pot.
104. Husbands
Husbands are like fires—they go out when unattended. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
105. The Fountain
The workers had finished building the fountain, and we decided to give it a dry run.
106. The Experience
“Three weeks ago, I met a girl at a party who is as pretty as a picture.”
“I had a simile experience last week!”
107. The Carpenter
The carpenter did not sweep the floor after he had finished his work. I saw dust.

22. 108. Three Blind Mice
Three blind mice who live in a museum are having some fun after the place has closed.
One of the little creatures crawls into a suit of armour—and then realizes that he is lost. “I
can’t get out!” he shouts to his playmates. “Help me make it through the knight!”
109. Cookies
“How many types of cookies are you preparing for Chinese New Year?” the man asks his
wife.
“Six,” she says.
“So many?”
“Well, I don’t like to put all my eggs in one biscuit!”
110. The Miserly Husband
“Where are you going?” the miserly man asks his wife.
“The new shopping centre.”
“Bye.”
“I will, dear,” she says, smiling. “I will.”
His eyes dilate with shock. “No, honey,” he says. “Bye, like in so long!”
111. Wash the Car
The absent-minded maid clean forgot to wash my car.
112. Bad Habit
The best way to break a bad habit is to drop it. (Leo Aikman)
113. The Nun
“Have you said your prayers?” the Mother Superior asks a nun.
“Yes, I have, while I was taking my bath,” says the nun. “I do this out of habit.”
114. The Puncture
“What’s the damage?” the bus driver asks the mechanic after the puncture in the tyre has
been mended.
The mechanic says, “Twenty dollars—it’s a flat rate.”
“Twenty dollars? Isn’t that an inflated price?”
115. The Prostitute
The prostitute says to her handsome customer, “You are a sight for whore eyes!”
116. Sew
You sew what you rip. (Anonymous)
117. Illegal Casino
Police raided the illegal casino. Its operator cried, “Abandon chip!”
118. Surrogate Mother

23. “I’m waiting for a call from any interested gent,”
A surrogate mother said. “I have a nice womb for rent.”
119. Town Mouse and Country Mouse
Country Mouse was about to eat the inviting morsel of food in the kitchen when Town
Mouse cried, “Stop! That is a trap!”
Country Mouse froze. “A what?”
“A trap,” said Town Mouse breathlessly. “It is a device that can pull a habit out of a
rat!”
120. The Jogger
The doctor asks the patient, “Do you exercise?”
The patient says, “Yes, I jog three times a week.”
“How long have you been doing this exercise?”
“Well, I have been an avid jogger for three years running.”
121. Polluted Water
The chemical formula for polluted water is H₂Ugh.
122. The Record
A young woman who wanted to telephone an order to the record store misdialled and got
a private residence instead.
“Do you have ‘Dreamy Eyes’ and ‘Hot Legs’?” she asked the man who answered the
call.
“No,” said the householder, puzzled. “But I have a wife and twelve kids.”
“Is that a record?” she asked.
“Probably not,” said the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get.”
123. Kissed
“Last week, I met a beautiful girl in my workplace. She kissed me!”
“Did you kiss her back?”
“No, I kissed her lips!”
124. The Birthday Present
“My parents gave me a book for my birthday.”
“What is the title of the book?”
“The Fairy Best of the Brothers Grimm.”
125. The Chess Champ
A reporter asks the chess champ, “What advice can you give to the young players?”
The chess champ says, “Never be caught with your pawns down.”
126. The Farmer

24. A farmer is milking a cow when a fly appears out of nowhere and flies into the cow’s ear.
Later, the farmer notices the fly in the milk and says with a chuckle, “In one ear and out
the udder!”
127. Making a Ladder
The carpenter showed his apprentice the correct steps to make a wooden ladder.
128. The Coat
Aladdin’s mother said to the genie, “I’d like to have a fur coat.”
“What fur?” the genie asked.
“To keep myself warm,” she said.
129. Disappointed
“How was your first day at school?” the mother asks her daughter.
“Very bad,” the girl says. “The teacher told me to sit down and keep quiet for the
present, but she forgot to give it to me.”
130. Crossword Puzzle
A little girl who is doing a crossword puzzle asks her brother, “Give me the name of a car
that starts with T.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he says. “They all start with petrol.”
131. The Rich Widower
The widower says to the undertaker, “Please make my wife look dead gorgeous.”
132. Reflection
A man says to his attractive wife, “You are spending too much time in front of the mirror.
It’s time you did some self-reflection.”
133. The Patient’s Call
“Well?” says the doctor as he answers the phone at three in the morning.
The caller says, “No, I’m sick.”
134. The Chess Game
“You’re playing a game of chess by email?”
“That’s right. I received my friend’s move this morning, and I sent him my winning
move just a minute ago.”
“You beat him, eh?”
“Yeah—his check is in the mail!”
135. The Homework
Little Johnny’s mother asks him, “Why are you doing your arithmetic homework on the
floor?”
The boy says, “The teacher told us to try to do the sums without using tables.”

25. 136. Where’s the P?
“May I go to the toilet?” a pupil asks the teacher.
“Yes,” says the teacher, “but say the alphabet first.”
“ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO QRSTUVWXYZ.”
“Where’s the P?”
“It’s running down my leg!”
137. Strangers in a Bar
Two strangers in a bar struck up a conversation.
The first man said, “I am a writer, and I have written three non-fiction books.”
The second man said, “I am a lumberjack, and I have cut down nine hundred and
thirty-eight trees.”
“You know the exact number?”
“Well, I keep a log.”
138. Two Boys and a Dog
Two boys were walking in the street. The first boy suddenly said, “Look at that dog with
one eye!”
“Okay!” the second boy said, covering up one of his eyes.
139. The Bank Customer
A man who is entering a bank asks the security guard at the door, “Can I bring my dog
inside?”
“Yes,” says the guard, “as long as it doesn’t make a deposit.”
140. Two Cannibals
Two cannibals were having a meal.
One said to the other, “Your wife makes a great soup.”
His friend said, “I agree, but I’m going to miss her terribly.”
141. Full Stop
A woman who was driving her new car rolled slowly through a stop sign. She was pulled
over by a policeman, who recognized her as his daughter’s English teacher. “Ma’am,” he
said, “stop signs are full stops, not commas.”
142. Tomato Sauce
A woman was trying hard to get the tomato sauce to come out of the bottle. During her
struggle, the phone rang, and she asked her seven-year-old son to answer it.
“It’s your doctor, Mum,” the boy said. And then he said to the caller, “Mum can’t talk
to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”
143. The Doctor
A doctor is extremely unlucky one week—four of her patients die. Furious, she decides to
call Death. Much to her dismay, she is put on hold.

26. After a long wait, Death answers the phone and says, “Thanks a bunch for your
patients.”
144. Eyes
An old woman was in an eye specialist’s office to get a certain procedure done. She was
feeling rather nervous, and the doctor tried his best to allay her fears.
She nearly jumped out of her chair when the doctor, after he had finished with one of
the eyes, said, “There, there—only one eye left!”
145. Poultry Farm
A man who wanted to start a poultry farm phoned a veterinarian and asked, “Could you
please tell me how long I should leave the rooster with the hens?”
“Just a minute,” said the vet, as his other phone rang.
“Thanks,” the man said, and hung up.
146. The Dieter
“You’re not eating enough to keep a hamster alive.”
“Well, I have no choice. My last diet plan didn’t work.”
“What plan?”
“Someone told me I could get thinner at the paint store!”
147. Do Something
Sam visits his friend Joe. Joe is in his barn moonwalking around his Kubota.
“What are you doing?” asks Sam, wide-eyed with surprise.
Joe stops dancing and says, “My wife has been ignoring me lately. I talked to a
marriage counsellor, and he advised me to do something to a tractor.” (to attract her)
148. The Conductor
The conductor of the orchestra kept shaking his head during the rehearsal, for the
percussion section was not keeping the proper beat.
A drummer said, “I think he’s going to blow up any minute now.”
A cymbal player said, “You’re right—we’re in for a tempo tantrum!”
149. The Soup
A diner in a restaurant motioned to the waiter and said, “I have a bee in my soup.”
The waiter said, “That’s right, sir. Didn’t you order the alphabet soup?”
150. The Check-Up
A sexagenarian who had undergone a check-up asked the doctor, “How did it go?”
The doctor said, “Get will soon.”
151. Drought
“If the drought does not end soon, water we going to do?”
152. Hard-Boiled Egg

27. You can’t beat a hard-boiled egg for breakfast.
153. The Itch
A doctor phoned a patient and said, “Your cheque came back.”
The patient said, “So did the itch on my foot.”
The doctor said, “Come and see me tomorrow. I’ll start again from scratch.”
154. Not Married
“I’m not married,” said he*;
“Footloose and fiancée-free.”
(*He had a few near Mrs.)
155. The Judge
The police sergeant reprimanded a rookie cop for wrongfully arresting a judge who was
on his way to a costume party dressed as a convict.
The sergeant said, “Never book a judge by his cover.”
156. More Lives
Q. Which has more lives, a cat or a frog?
A. A frog, because it croaks every night.
157. Best Time
“What time do you wake up in the morning?”
“Half past six.”
“So early?”
“Yeah, it’s the best time on a clock—hands down.”
158. The Deer
A female deer says to a female monkey, “Would you like to go out with me on a date?”
The monkey says, “Stay away from me, you weirdoe!”
159. Broken Arm
“Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast and you’ll recover in a coupla weeks.”
“That’s wonderful, Doc. I have always wanted to be in a movie.”
160. Gym Job
“I hope your new job at the gym works out for you.”
161. Face Mask
During the pandemic, a cop tapped a punk on the shoulder and said, “You should be
wearing a face mask. People like you make me sick!”
162. Plane Crash

28. A cargo plane carrying hair brushes crashed in a deserted area. Investigators from the
airline are combing the site of the crash.
163. No Mask
A cop in an Asian country said to a white woman, “There is no excuse for your refusal to
wear a face mask. You are not Karen for other people.”
164. Pull It Off
A man struck up a conversation with a young woman at the bus stop. He asked her to
remove her face mask momentarily so that he could see her complete face. She refused.
He thought it was a daunting task he faced, but with some sweet words he finally
managed to pull it off.
165. The Henpecked Husband
Sam says to Joe, “I wear the pants in the house.”
Joe says, “Yeah—under your apron!”
“I’m not lying: I run things around the house.”
“Yeah—like the vacuum cleaner and the floor polisher!”
166. Twin Sister
I spoke to the wrong twin sister. It was a genuine Ms.take.
167. Reading a Book
The wife walked into the living room and said to her husband, who was sitting on the
sofa, “Dinner is ready, dear.”
He said, “You go ahead. I’m reading a book about helium, and I can’t put it down!”
168. Missing Eggs
A hen says to a duck, “Someone stole two of my eggs.”
The duck says, “Are you sure?”
“I am completely sure. I can count, you know.”
“I don’t doubt that. After all, you are a mathemachicken!”
169. A Twig
“Waiter, why is there a twig in my soup?”
“Please wait a minute, sir. I’ll get the branch manager.”
170. Inside Knowledge
Two little boys wanted to ask a favour of their mother.
“You ask her,” said the older boy.
“No, you ask her,” said the younger boy. “You’ve known her longer than I have.”
“Why don’t we ask Dad to ask her,” said the older boy. “He knew Mum even before
we were born.”
“He may have known her longer,” said the younger boy, “but we know her inside out!”

29. 171. The Prostitute’s Customer
The man paid the prostitute her fee, and said, “I’d like to give you a treat at the new
vegetarian restaurant.”
She said, “No, thanks. I don’t like vegetarian food: I am a carniwhore.”
172. The Ant
A worker ant had a nightmare: A self-appointed supervisor ant said to him, “Why are you
so slow in lugging the grains? Work harder!”
The worker ant said, “Now I know why I was created with such a strong back—
because you’d be on it all the time!”
173. Three-Legged Cow
“I saw a three-legged cow on the way to work this morning.”
“How did you know it was on its way to work?”
174. The Coin Dealer
A rare-coin dealer was on his way home from his shop when two thieves robbed him and
beat him “cent-less”.
175. The Writer
A successful writer who lived in the city paid his widowed mother a surprise visit in her
small town.
She said, “Why didn’t you WhatsApp me to tell me you were coming?”
He said, “Mum, the first rule of writing is ‘Show, Don’t Tell’.”
176. Cockroaches
“Where can I get three hundred cockroaches?” the tenant asks the landlord.
“Why do you need them?” asks the landlord.
“Well, the agreement stipulates that I must leave the premises in exactly the same
condition I found them.”
“What are you talking about? There wasn’t a single roach in the house when you
moved in.”
The tenant says with a smile, “I know. They were all married with families!”
177. Mirror Factory
“How did your job interview at the mirror factory go?”
“It went very well. I can see myself working there soon.”
178. A Bun in the Oven
The childless baker smiled with joy when his wife said to him, “I have a bun in the
oven.”
179. Lucky Guy
“My wife drives me to drink.”
“You are a lucky guy. I have to walk all the way to the pub.”

30. 180. Aquariums
“What? You have five aquariums in your house?”
“Well, watching all the fish reduces my stress and makes me feel calm. I think the
indoor-fins do the trick.”
181. Cold Floor
“Don’t sleep on the cold floor. Here, spread out these old magazines and sleep on them.
You won’t have any more back issues.”
182. Two Puppies
A man phoned the pound and said, “I found a suitcase containing two puppies.”
“Are they moving?”
“I don’t know, but if they were that would explain the suitcase.”
183. Roadblock
At a roadblock, a policeman waved down a jalopy and asked the driver, “Whose car is
this? Where are you going? What do you do?”
The driver, who was a miner, said, “Mine.”
184. Shopping List
At the supermarket, a woman found that she couldn’t read the shopping list. (Thirty
minutes earlier, she had asked her ten-year-old son to put dark soy sauce on the list.)
185. The Lumberjack
The lumberjack was so tired that he slept like a log.
186. The Banana
“What is your problem?” the fruit doctor asks the banana.
The banana says, “Doc, I’m not peeling well.”
187. Rectangular Table
The salesman at the furniture store says to a woman, “This rectangular table can seat
eight people without any problems.”
The woman says, “How am I going to find eight people without any problems?”
188. Clear the Table
The restaurant manager says to the young man looking for a job, “I want to see you clear
this table.”
“No problem,” says the young man, “but I need a running start.”
189. The Newspaper Editor
The newspaper editor said to his wife, “This morning I fired two reporters who don’t
know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’. There so stupid!”

31. 190. Made a Baby
A man in a pub says to the bartender, “During the pandemic, my wife and I made a baby.
In 2033, we will have a quaranteen.”
191. The Fence
“The fence needs repainting badly,” the wife said to her husband. “You promised me two
weeks ago you’d do it.”
“I’ll do it tomorrow,” he said, frowning.
When he had completed the task, she said, “You made a poor job of repainting the
fence.”
Grinning goofily, he said, “You said it needed repainting badly!”
192. Blood
“How do you draw blood?” the Medical Director of the hospital asks an intern.
The intern says, “With a red marker.”
193. Shirt Size
The salesgirl at the department store says to a man, “This T-shirt is beautiful.”
The man says, “It’s too big.”
“Why don’t you try it on in the fitting room?”
“That won’t be necessary,” says the man, who is a psychic. “I am a medium.”
194. Queue
A pupil asks the teacher, “Why do we pronounce ‘queue’ as ‘q’?”
The teacher says, “Because the other four letters form a line behind it.”
195. Creature
A creature that was half man and half horse was the centaur of attraction at the zoo.
196. Water Bill
Sam’s neighbour, a nasty piece of work, lost his job and was worried sick when he saw
his huge water bill.
Sam sent him an anonymous Get ‘Well’ Card.
197. Birthday Cake
It took him one minute to blow out the candles on the cake for his sixty-second birthday.
198. The Ballpoint Pen
A ballpoint pen says to a pencil in the inkstand, “I get on well with twenty-five letters of
the alphabet. I don’t know why.”
199. The Teacher’s Punishment
I did not do my homework, and the teacher asked me to read fifty pages from a reference
book containing lists of synonyms and related words.
This punishment gave me thesaurus throat I ever had.

32. 200. Wild Horses
Two wild horses meet in a prairie. One says to the other, “Your pace is familiar, but I just
can’t remember your mane.”
☺ ☺ ☺