Dating and courtship first Night

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Source:
Quah, S.R., ed. (2015) Routledge Handbook of Families in Asia. London: Routledge, pp. 111-122.
7
Dating and Courtship
Stella R. Quah and Fumie Kumagai1
__________________________________________________________________________________
Dating and courtship are essential cultural preambles men and women go through in the path towards finding
a suitable spouse. The usual stance is that you have to make the effort instead of just waiting for the ideal
soul mate to find you. But, how long and how far afield must one search for a spouse? Is dating necessary
and permitted? When is it appropriate to start dating? How does dating become formal courtship? These
questions outline cultural norms that, while ever-present, change over time but at different pace across Asian
communities. However, the wide variety of Asian ethnic and religious communities makes it impossible to
cover all of them comprehensibly. Thus, in this chapter these questions are addressed by searching for trends
through the examination of historical and current studies and data including cross-national statistics and case
studies It is useful to reiterate that this chapter focuses exclusively on dating and courtship as stages in the
process of spouse selection and thus, it excludes the discussion of singlehood as a life style—examined in
Chapter 6—and the analysis of marriage, which is the theme of Chapter 8.
The context of dating and courtship
Dating may be defined as the activities intended to establish and pursue a romantic relationship and,
consequently, dating occurs only in social contexts that permit romantic love. In contrast to the simple
definition of dating, let us understand by courtship all the activities intended to establish and formalize the
relationship between two persons, for the purpose of matrimony. Throughout traditional Asian societies
courtship involved only heterosexual couples but, otherwise, many cultural variations are found in terms of
who are involved in the courtship process and how the choice is made. The most evident variation in
courtship style is in the types of people involved besides the intended candidates: courtship may be arranged
and supervised by both sets of parents; or by senior members of their respective families; and/or, a go-
between or matchmaker; or only the marriage seekers themselves. Regarding how the choice is made, a wide
range of courtship styles has been recorded through the centuries, including communities where young
people were encouraged to seek marriage partners themselves and make their own choices; periods when
choices were to be made from a shortlist of candidates, or just one candidate; and periods when choice was
not permitted at all. Some communities have experienced all those alternatives at different periods of their
history while other communities have been relatively less amenable to change (Mullan, 1984;
Bumroongsook, 1995; Coontz, 2005; Lê, 2008; Moore, 2014).

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The nature of the social context appears to be a fairly good predictor of the strictness and complexity of
courtship. Courtship is more likely to be dominated by parental intervention and approval in communities
whose economies are based on farming and land property is determined solely or mostly by inheritance, and
where families are wealthy. Parents have the serious duty to steer the transfer of family wealth to the younger
generation through closely scrutiny and selection of marriage partners for their children. Parents want to
ensure their heirs marry into the right family. Indeed, one of the best known findings in family sociology
supports the folk maxim that marriage is not just between two persons but between two families (Goody,
1990; Cherlin, 2002; Coontz, 2005; White and Klein, 2008; Jayakody and Vu, 2009; Quah, 2009; Moore,
2014).
Some societies have different courtship and dating norms for people of different social status. For
example, ancient Thai law considered daughters as the property of their parents and thus, courtship was
under the responsibility of parents (Bumroongsook, 1995: 30). Thailand’s formal marriage regulations were
liberalised in the early 20th
century but remained stricter for daughters of “aristocratic” families for whom
parental consent was required. In contrast, daughters of non-aristocratic families were free to marry someone
of their own choice, even against their parents’ wishes. Still, it was expected that devout Buddhist women of
all social classes should follow the precept of obedience to one’s parents as prescribed by their religion
(Bumroongsook, 1995:172). In Vietnam, ancestral norms of filial obligation determine the role of parents in
the courtship leading to their children’s marriages: “Only after having organised the weddings of all their
children do parents feel they have completed their … responsibility and duty to their ancestors. Only then
they can feel confident in departing this world” (Lě, 2008:19). This traditional norm of parental obligation is
particularly strong in rural areas while Vietnamese in urban areas are now more attuned to romantic love,
dating, and the freedom to select one’s spouse and decide whether or not to marry (Lě, 2008; Jayakody and
Vu, 2009). The norm of parental obligation to arrange the marriage of their children is also found among
some indigenous communities in the Philippines (Jocano, 1998).
A teenager may wonder when is the right time to start dating, while her older sibling’s predicament would be
how long and how far afield he should search for a spouse. These are common concerns of young people
today. Up to the late 19th
and early 20th
centuries, ‘dating’ was an unknown concept in Asia, and finding the
right spouse was under the purview of the parents, not their unmarried children. Mullan (1984) suggests that
the Second World War marked this watershed of normative change around the world where dating became
the prelude to courtship and the marriage seekers took control of their courtship from parents and elders. The
experience of the 1963-1971 war had a similar watershed effect, promoting romantic love and dating in
Vietnam (Jayakody and Vu, 2009); the same may be said of the 1950s war in Korea. Other major factors
fostering change in the traditional family formation process of courtship are demographic and economic
growth (Moore, 2014).
The matchmaker
Despite the evident change from strict traditional courtship to romantic love and dating over the past
decades, one feature remains indispensable for people searching for a spouse: the opportunity to meet
suitable marriage candidates. It is here where a key courtship player emerges: the matchmaker, to whom
according to tradition, the parents of marriageable young people would go for help finding a suitable
candidate and, very often, to undertake the culturally-prescribed negotiations with the potential candidate’s
parents, get an agreement, and prepare the wedding ceremony (Mullan, 1984).

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The role of the matchmaker has a long history in many cultures, particularly in the Jewish and Asian
traditions, but has evolved significantly over time (Mullan, 1984). For example, the matchmaker appears
very early in classical Chinese thought. The influence of Chinese philosophy on people’s ordinary lives
extended from the ancient to the contemporary Far East, including Korea and Japan (Chan, 1963: 592) as
well as Taiwan, Hong Kong and the Chinese diaspora in Southeast Asia and beyond. Confucius (551-479
BC) referred to the matchmaker in his Book of Songs: ‘How does one find a wife? Without a matchmaker
one does not’ (cited by Jordan, 1997:4). Similarly, Mencius (371-289 BC) emphasized the principle of ‘a
parent’s command and a matchmaker’s word’ in his teachings, a principle encapsulating the essence of
traditional arranged marriage that has survived the passing of time. In the 1990s it was still believed in some
traditional families in China and Taiwan that, like in ancient times, ‘the authority in a marriage choice rests
with the parents’ while ‘the role of matchmakers’ is to be ‘a source of information and advice, not authority’
(Jordan, 1997:5).
In fact, although the traditional matchmaker has been an important feature in family life, the
matchmaker’s public image has not always been very positive. The lack of trust is evident through these
Chinese proverbs: ‘A matchmaker’s mouth speaks misleading nonsense’ [mêi rén zuī hú lêi lêi]; and ‘Among
ten matchmakers, there are nine liars’ [shi mêi jiů kuáng] (Jordan, 1997:6). Ebrey’s (2002) analysis of
ancient Chinese traditions supports this poor image of the matchmaker. Interestingly, these negative features
are also associated with the image of the traditional Jewish matchmaker, or shadkhan, who is seen as ‘a
perpetual chatterbox, lively and good-natured’ with ‘an element of maliciousness’ and a genius for
‘euphemistically glossing over the physical and character defects’ of the potential candidates he introduced
to his clients (Mullan, 1984:22). In contrast, the traditional matchmaker in Japan is perceived as an exemplar
of ‘frankness, honesty, tactfulness and loyalty’ (Vogel, 1964:82; Mullan, 1984:31). An additional perspective
is offered by the situation in some indigenous tribes of the Philippines: the matchmaker is in charge of the
difficult negotiations on the price the groom’s family must give to the bride’s family. Each of the two
families hires one matchmaker to negotiate on its behalf. As ‘negotiators’ the two matchmakers ‘must
possess skills in legal procedure [and] litigious combat’ and ‘not be easily provoked into anger’, because
‘bargaining tends to be lengthy, legalistic, and subtly expressed in esoteric language’(Jocano, 1998:87).
All told, the term ‘matchmaker’ evokes the traditional image of an older person, usually a woman, whose
paid expertise in finding a suitable spouse and arranging the marriage for a client’s son or daughter was
highly priced as a very important service to families and the community. Yet, matchmakers are not always
women, or old, or individual entrepreneurs. Neither are professional matchmakers always indispensable, as
their role may be taken up by parents or other family members, friends, co-workers, organizations or
agencies. Yen-chu’s story gives us a glimpse of how courtship and dating occurred across three generations.
In the narration of this case only pseudo names are used.
One family’s journey from supervised courtship
to dating: Yen-chu’s story
Yen-chu was only 18 years old when on a rainy November day in 1920 he arrived in Penang after a long and
arduous boat journey from China. As thousands of young men, he bid farewell to his parents and left his
village on the banks of the Minjiang River in Fujian province, in search of better opportunities. He had heard
stories about distant lands where fortunes could be made, the trading British colonies of Penang, Malacca
and Singapore. His plan, consented to by his parents, was to get a job in Penang and save enough money to
return home and get married. His parents could not afford to pay a matchmaker, so Yen-chu’s father
personally approached his good friend, a hardworking farmer like himself, whose eldest daughter was then

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12 years old. Yen-chu’s father told his farmer friend that he was searching for a future wife for his son Yen-
chu. His friend agreed that his daughter would wait for two years for Yen-chu to return to get married. If
Yen-chu had not returned by then, the girl’s father would arrange for his daughter to marry someone else. At
that time, dating was an unknown concept. Neither Yen-chu nor the young girl was consulted by the adults
on their feelings for each other. Their feelings were of no consequence. It was believed that parents knew
best in matters of spouse selection for their children. With this important matter of a future wife settled, Yen-
chu left his village for the British colonies with the sincere intention to return and marry the bride selected by
his parents.
After struggling as a harbour cargo hand in the port of Penang for nearly four years and with practically
no savings, Yen-chu gave up his initial plan to return to his village to marry. He found a better-paid job as a
shop assistant at the provision shop of a well-established Fujian immigrant. Yen-chu was a conscientious and
smart worker and earned the admiration of his boss, whose second daughter was of marriageable age. The
boss took Yen-chu under his wing, taught him about the business, and invited him regularly to have a meal at
his home. Yen-chu liked the boss’ daughter very much but did not dare to show his interest, as he was afraid
his boss would be insulted by his audacity. Yen-chu was aware that he was, after all, only a shop assistant
with nothing to offer. He concentrated on his work and tried his best to help his boss prosper. Meanwhile, the
boss observed the young man’s ability and loyalty, plus the fact that Yen-chu was from the same province
and spoke the same dialect. Unknown to Yen-chu, his boss made enquiries with his own relatives back in
Fujian province about Yen-chu’s family. When he received word that Yen-chu’s family was poor but honest
and hardworking, the boss began thinking of Yen-chu as a suitable husband for his daughter. The boss was
pleased when a year later Yen-chu asked him for permission to marry his daughter. After much reflection,
Yen-chu had decided that, as his own father was in China and could not act on his behalf to approach the
girl’s father according to custom, he had no alternative but to muster enough courage and ask his boss for
permission himself. Although he was a regular guess at the boss’ home, Yen-chu and the girl have never had
a conversation alone. The boss, his wife and their other children were always present in the lively and noisy
household. The girl was surprised but delighted when her parents told her they would like her to marry Yen-
chu and that the young man had asked their permission. She liked Yen-chu from the start but kept a distance,
as it was considered highly inappropriate for a girl to show any interest.
After marriage, with his father-in-law’s kick-start loan, Yen-chu set up his own shop. His trading business
prospered, and he moved his family to the busier port of Singapore, from where he could travel easily on
business to Jakarta, Malacca and other cities in the region. In due course, Yen-chu and his wife had ten
children, five sons and five daughters. As parents, both believed it was their duty to get all their children
properly married, following the customs of their ancestors. They succeeded in arranging the marriage of all
their five sons to suitable girls: two were daughters from families living across the street; and three were
daughters of Yen-chu’s business associates. The two older sons obediently accepted the brides selected by
their parents. But, when their turn came, the three younger sons insisted they wanted to meet the potential
brides before agreeing. The parents relented. The young men had separate chaperoned meetings with their
assigned brides-to-be and were happy with their parents’ choice.
However, Yen-chu and his wife had a very difficult time arranging marriages for their five daughters. It
just happened that, according to tradition, Yen-chu assigned each of his sons a job and position in the family
business as soon as the young men completed their secondary school education. But, also following Chinese
tradition, Yen-chu was not interested in what his daughters would do with their time ‘while waiting to get
married’ and, thus, allowed them to continue higher studies if they wanted to. All the five daughters
completed their secondary school education and chose to go to university. That, it seems, was the root of the
problem for their father Yen-chu: they were ‘too clever for their own good’ he used to say. His daughters’
innate sense of independence was fortified by their exposure to university education. Against prescribed

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behaviour for daughters, they rejected all potential candidates that their parents found for them. Three of the
daughters went to England on scholarships to pursue professional degrees after completing their
undergraduate education. Away from direct parental supervision they were able to date people of their own
choice. After graduation, all three of them married former university classmates. Another daughter
surrendered to parental pressure when she reached the age of 35 and was still single (in the late 1950s, 35
was considered ‘old’ age for marriage) and accepted to marry a 45-year old gentleman introduced by her
father. Of the five daughters, only one remained single all her life. She was a bright, independent woman,
who firmly believed it was better to stay single than to have a loveless marriage simply to abide by social
convention.
Yen-chu’s family grew, and he in time had 25 grandchildren—15 grandsons and ten granddaughters—all
born during the turbulent period 1940-55 that engulfed Southeast Asia in the destruction and aftermath of the
Second World War. Yen-chu lost most of his business but managed to keep his extended family afloat during
the war and restarted his trading business successfully, this time as the head of his family firm with most of
his sons working for him. He passed away five years ahead of his wife, when the youngest of his
grandchildren was 14 years old.
Yen-chu’s grandchildren’s adolescence and early adulthood unfolded during the 1960s and 1970s, when
Asia, particularly urban Asia, was becoming more exposed to world events and trends. Not surprisingly,
none of Yen-chu’s grandchildren were at all interested in being ‘matched’ for matrimony by their parents.
But they did not have to worry. In contrast to their grandfather Yen-Chu, their parents did not try to find
spouses for them. Times were difficult. Families were recovering from the war by working hard and trying to
keep pace with the rapid and drastic economic and political change in the region. Yen-chu’s sons and
daughters were good and committed parents but rather busy finding their footing in the new economy. They
were not acquainted with their children’s new, almost exotic social milieu, dancing, music, drinking, new
methods of education, new topics of discussion, and fluency in English and Mandarin which opened new
horizons for them. Educated parents were able to understand the new trends and to facilitate their children’s
independence. Parents who were not well-educated and spoke only or mostly Chinese dialects, felt unable to
navigate the new lifestyles of their children and could only give advice. They retreated from the ancient
precept of matchmaking, accepting—however reluctantly—their children’s pursue of their own destiny.
Yen-Chu’s grandchildren also experienced a difficult transition in romantic relationships, despite the new
freedom brought by modern norms. Western models of romance, dating and courtship were ever present
through mass media, art, music, and travelling. Yet, these young adults had to find their own way as they did
not have ‘local’ role models of romantic love. Most of their parents had a romantic love marriage (in the
sense that they chose their own spouses) but, following ‘the Asian way’, they never talked about their
affective life as a couple with their children. Besides, the new opportunities for dating were more available to
young men than to young women. All of Yen-chu’s 15 grandsons married their chosen school or university
sweethearts. As young men, they would go on group dates first and, as the relationship strengthened, each
young man took the initiative to court his chosen girl. In contrast, Yen-chu’s granddaughters had a more
difficult time dating. The opportunities to date and to meet eligible spouses were significantly more restricted
for ‘well-brought up’ young women even in the 1970s. All his ten granddaughters are university graduates
with a wide circle of friends but only one of them got married. She married a former university classmate
after graduation.
It is difficult to pinpoint the precise reason for the failure of Yen-chu’s nine out of the ten granddaughters
to find a husband. At face value, Yen-chu’s granddaughters have many positive attributes: health,
intelligence, engaging personality, good education and careers. Unfortunately, from the traditional Asian
perspective, these were the attributes of an eligible man, but not necessarily qualities that would make a good

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wife. And this may be part of the problem: research findings suggest that Asian women seem to be maturing
and growing in self-assurance and education at a faster pace than Asian men (Quah, 2009: 105-113). Yen-
chu’s granddaughters sought equally self-assured and emotionally mature men, while men in their age cohort
or older appeared to be searching for the traditional ideal of a submissive and less educated wife. Another
contributing factor was the lingering traditional social rules of engagement for women applied to dating and
courtship in the second half of the twentieth century: young women were expected to be demure; they could
not be seen taking the initiative to start a relationship. In daily life this meant that a great deal of the young
women’s leisure time was typically spent in gatherings involving their large extended family and female
friends rather than socializing with friends of the opposite sex.
In contrast to their parents, grandparents and great-grand parents, Yen-chu’s great-grandchildren are well
versed in the art of dating. By the second decade of the twenty-first century, the older nine of Yen-chu’s 11
great-grand-daughters are in their 30s, and six of them married recently. Each of these six young women
dated frequently and had at least one steady boyfriend before finding the man she married—with the
instinctive help of her circle of friends. The process the great-granddaughters are following is well within
today’s trend of romantic love: they invest less time in family gatherings preferring the company of their
own friends; they have their own activities away from their families; and they date within their network of
college classmates and friends. Their parents are not involved at all in their selection of dates or potential
spouses. Nevertheless, parental approval is important. Just as in the case of their own parents, each of Yen-
chu’s six married great-granddaughters introduced her steady boyfriend to her parents and explained her
intention to marry him before the young man asked her parents formally for her hand in matrimony. The
young women wanted and received their parents’ blessing and active support of the personal choices they
made. This assertiveness of one’s right to select one’s marriage partner was also expressed by a group of
single Chinese Singaporeans (Jones et al, 2012).
The story of Yen-chu and his family provides a close-up view of courtship and dating. The bird’s eye
view is conveyed by the historical account of one country. The case of Japan is discussed by Fumie Kumagai
and is chosen because as she explains below, it has the largest proportion of never-married population in
Asia.
Ancient traditions moving forward: the Japanese experience
It is prudent to note that, in comparative analysis, the notions of ‘conceptual equivalence and phenomenal
identity in measurement’ need to be taken into consideration (Strauss, 1969; Kumagai, 1979, 1983; Kumagai
and Straus, 1983). In other words, the use of identical procedures in different societies for eliciting and
quantifying data (phenomenal identity) does not necessarily result in the measurement of the same variable
(conceptual equivalence) since the stimuli (questions, tasks, items) used to elicit data are likely to have
different meanings and connotations. Accordingly, two considerations are important when discussing
courtship and dating in Japan: historical and linguistic considerations. Historically, courtship and marriage in
Japan are better understood if we consider at least the last 2,000 years instead of focusing only on the past
century, because of the deep cultural roots of family-related processes. The linguistic characteristics may
limit cross-country comparisons. For example, in Japan, both konyaku (loosely translated as courtship) and
kekkon (marriage) are used more or less interchangeably, because konyaku includes definitive plans to marry
even though those plans may not be fulfilled. Daito (dating), on the other hand, suggests an informal
relationship with someone of the opposite sex, not necessarily leading to marriage. Consequently, in the case
of Japan, the trends discussed in this section refer to the process of courtship as a prelude to marriage
including attention to legal age at marriage and parental permission when the child to be married is a minor.

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The combined rate for Japanese men and women who never marry has been rising steeply: in 2010 it was
20.14 and 10.61 respectively (IPSSR, 2010). It is thus pertinent to look closely at the ancient and the modern
kon-katsu or ‘marriage-seeking activities’, of today. Takamure (1963) divides the history of Japanese
courtship and dating into eight periods from ancient to modern times: Jyomon-Yayoi; Yamato; Azuka, Mid-
end Heian; End Heian; Kamakura Shogunate and Nanboku-cho; Muromachi-Asuka-Edo; and Meiji-Taisho-
Showa-Heisei periods from the 14th to 19th centuries. The earliest historical records suggest that during the
Jyomon and Yayoi periods (12000 BC – AD 240) the predominant marriage pattern was the group/horde
marriage. Small communities lived independently, hunting, gathering, sharing meals, and the men would
share one women as sexual partner, a practice called nai-kon. As settlements formed around farms, sexual
interaction expanded outside one’s group. This led to the practice of seeking a sexual partner outside the
group (gai-kon), keeping the children under their mother’s care and living with her group. As a consequence,
a maternal clan lineage was established (Takamure, 1963: 12-34).
In the Yamato or Tumulus era encompassing the third to sixth centuries, farming became the common
means of subsistence, and the style of courtship changed to tsumadoi-kon. This was a pattern based on
meetings (taiguu-kon) rather than living together, and the groom’s courtship was called “yobai” (to call, or
calling behavior). Thus, once the bride accepted the groom who visited her for a yobai courtship, the couple
was considered married. The husband commuted to the wife’s residence for conjugal visits, a practice that
freed both the woman and the man from the group marriage of primitive times. However, as this was an
informal pairing not an arrangement sanctioned formally, it was possible for one woman to have a marital
relationship with several men simultaneously, and vice versa (Takamure, 1963: 35-43).
Families with daughters, wealthy families in particular, welcomed the muko-in or jun-mukotori (genuine
muko-in) courtship system whereby the father was responsible for finding a suitable husband for each
daughter who reached marriable age (around age 13) and to make a formal request to the man to marry his
daughter (Takamure 1963, 98-110; Kumagai, 2008, 2010). During the Muromachi-Asuka-Edo eras in the
fourteenth to nineteenth centuries, another courtship pattern emerged, the yometori-kon, whereby the
groom’s family led the courtship arrangements (Kumagai, 1983).
The yoriai-kon style is found in the Meiji-Taisho-Showa and Heisei eras. There are two types of mate
selection in the yoriai-kon: the miai-kekkon (arranged marriage), and the ren-ai-kekkon (romantic marriage).
The miai-kekkon system spread through all classes of Japanese society at the beginning of the Meiji Period.
Prior to that, it had been common only among samurai families, as they often needed to arrange unions
across long distances to match their social standing. Although marriages were most frequently arranged by
the nakoudo (matchmaker) who served the role of a go-between for families in the miai process, it was not
necessary for all miai. The nakoudo can be a family member, relative, superior at work, friend, or a
matchmaking company. The primary function of the arranged marriage was still to ensure the continuation of
the family and its assets and lineage, and it was still imperative that the prospective partner were from a
family of compatible status and family background (Kodansha, 1983).
The nakoudo played a crucial role, provided introductions for people entering a new arrangement and to
assist shy candidates. The three major roles of the traditional nakoudo were: matching the qualifications of
the two individuals; arranging a date and place for the two parties to meet; and assisting in reaching a
decision in about three months (Yamada and Shirakawa 2013a 162-165). As only a fraction of new
marriages are arranged in the traditional manner today, new roles for the nakoudo have emerged, together
with new types of courtships, including a ‘marriage meeting’. Consequently, the ‘new’ version of the
nakoudo has changed significantly from the old or traditional version. According to Yamada and Shirakawa
(2013a, 162-165) today the nakoudo’s role involves seven main tasks: (a) identifying marriage candidates
that match the characteristics of the client; (b) making an effort to ‘sell’ a marriage candidate to the client; (c)

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arranging the date and place for the two parties to meet; (d) allowing the client to take the initiative to
approach the candidate and start the relationship; (e) following the development of their miai meetings; (f)
organizing interesting events that the two parties may enjoy; and (g) assisting in any marriage preparation
plans.
In addition, new commercial versions of the nakoudo have emerged: help seeking dating opportunities
with the opposite sex are offered by commercial matchmaking/dating agencies, the local community and/or
municipal offices, and machi-kon, town-based events to encourage meetings between men and women.
Commercial matchmaking/dating agencies are very successful. It has been estimated that their annual
revenue is about 60 billion yen a year. There were approximately 4,000 such agencies throughout Japan in
2006, 70 per cent of which were run by individuals and comprised a total membership of approximately
600,000 with about 60 per cent male and 40 per cent female (METI, 2006). Commercial matchmaking/dating
agencies may be classified into three types: go-between marriage counsellors; data matching programs; and
Internet dating services.
Municipal offices have organized matchmaking programs in two thirds (66.0 per cent, 31) of all the 47
prefectures, with the majority of programs (74.2 per cent, 23 prefectures) being offered since 2001. Local
communities, on the other hand, are less active: only one-third (31.2 per cent, 172 organizations) have such
programs. The major reasons for local communities to organize and offer such programs are: first, to replace
the traditional matchmaking service once provided by the family or employers; second, to revitalize the
community-wide power and activities; third, to assist people finding jobs in local industries; and fourth, to
alleviate the difficulties that single young working people face in forming and raising families. Programs
offered are diverse, from direct meeting opportunities such as. parties, trips, agricultural and/or fishing field
works; and matchmaking/dating services to guide young people who wish to become go-betweens in the
community; and offering courses on improving communication skills for the young adult and their parents.
The machi-kon is a town-wide large-scale event to provide meeting opportunities between the sexes, and
to revitalize the town. Its origin is Miya-kon of Utsunomiya, a city in Tochigi prefecture. It was held in 2004
for the first time. The machi-kon events have spread widely throughout Japan. In fact, in 2012,
approximately 2,000 machi-kon events were held, and as many as 600,000 people participated throughout
Japan (Nihon Keizai Shinbun, 2013a, 2013b). The Machi-kon Japan (2011) stipulates four rules. First, two
persons of the opposite sex make a group; second, at the beginning of the machi-kon event participants visit
and dine at designated restaurants where they must stay during a designated period (usually 30-40 minutes);
third, they pay participation fees (6,000 yen for males, 4,000 yen for females); and fourth, participants go to
as many member restaurants as they like during the period when the machi-kon is held (usually three to four
hours).
As a result of the fading function of the traditional type of miai and nakoudo, other programmes have
emerged to provide opportunities to meet for people wishing to get married. At the same time, the
proportion of single people wishing the get married has increased to 86 per cent (Cabinet Office, 2011). Not
surprisingly, then, the term kon-katsu coined by Yamada in 2007 has been popularized (Yamada 2007;
Yamada and Shirakawa 2013a, 2013b). As indicated earlier, Kon-katsu means ‘marriage-seeking activities’,
the combination of kekkon, meaning marriage, and katsudou, meaning activities. Thus, kon-katsu is the
activity of individuals seeking to get married by participating in programs relating to marriage. Single people
are becoming aware that marriage does not happen if they just wait for an opportunity to come. Instead, they
must actively get involved in kon-katsu programmes. Hence there is a proliferation of agencies offering such
programmes today. In addition, the Japanese government has decided to allocate funds to assist kon-katsu
activities. In light of these developments, single people wishing to get married have a wide choice of kon-
katsu activities.

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At the same time some Japanese today realize that those who want to get married need to further refine
themselves to become more ‘marketable’, to make themselves better individuals, if not perfect. Marriage is
an ongoing process to be constructed through the cooperative participation of the two individuals, and should
not be expected to be perfect. It is the product of mutual understanding and efforts. Single people wishing
to get married should try to find a ‘better’ half, rather than the ‘best’, through positive participations in kon-
katsu activities (Kumagai, 2010).
The social attitudes toward marriage and mate selection among young Japanese people have changed
dramatically (Kumagai 2008: 33-34). Under the traditional ie system, the prime objective of marriage was
the continuation of the family lineage, and therefore the will of the parents played a significant role in mate
selection and the decision to marry. In contrast, current practices in dating, courtship and marriage are based
on the mutual consent of the two parties, and their wishes are given the first consideration over those of their
parents. Thus, the general meaning of marriage—and correspondingly the meaning of dating and courtship—
in contemporary Japan has shifted from an institutional to a personal one (Burgess et al., 1963). The
emphasis on family lineage has faded, and in turn affection has become the major concern.
Over time, there has been a gradual shift from the traditional arranged marriage to the modern romantic
marriage. Of all marriages in Japan, the proportion of romantic marriages has increased considerably from
13.4 percent in 1935 to 88.1 per cent by 2005-2010 (Kumagai 2008, 33-34). A corollary to this changing
trend was the dramatic fall in the proportion of arranged marriages. Until the end of World War II, the omiai
(arranged marriage) constituted approximately 70 percent of all marriages, and the rest were modern
romantic marriages. Starting from the mid-1960s, however, a complete reversal emerged (in 1965, 44.9 per
cent of all marriages were arranged marriages and 48.7 per cent romantic marriages), and this drop in
arranged marriages accelerated in subsequent decades: by 2002 only 7.3 per cent of marriages were omiai
(IPSS 2013, table 1-3). Today a modern style of courtship dominates in Japan, not only in urban areas but
also in rural regions (Kumagai 2008, 33-34).
This complete reversal in dating and courtship patterns coincides with the change of the Japanese working
population from primary to tertiary industries in the mid-1960s when Japan launched into a high economic
growth period. A structural change in the Japanese economy has apparently had a significant impact on the
nature of mate selection, marriage, and lifestyles of Japanese people (Kumagai 1996, 5-8). With the
improved status of women in society, Japanese women have gradually developed a new perspective
regarding courtship, dating, and marriage. As a consequence of the enhanced autonomy of women, it has
become common among Japanese men and women today to postpone marriage until their late 20s, or not to
marry at all. It is a matter of grave concern that a growing number of people never marry. It might be their
choice, or they might have little opportunities for courtship and dating, especially because the miai-kekkon
has become an outdated mode of mate selection in Japan today.
The path ahead
Yen-chu’s family illustrates the slow transformation of dating and courtship across four generations of an
Asian family. They did not use the services of professional matchmakers; instead Yen-chu played the
decisive role of matchmaker for his children. That role of matchmaker played by parents or family elders
weakened and eventually disappeared. In its place, the youngest generation of Yen-chu’s descendants is
taking full advantage of their own circles of friends, co-workers and acquaintances. The case of Japan
illustrates the same pattern of fading ancestral norms of courtship in favour of romantic love and free choice.

120
Against this background of freedom and self-driven social life over the past two decades, it is remarkable
that the proportion of never-married men and women over the age of 40 continues increasing in Asian
countries, particularly in Japan, Hong Kong, and Singapore as shown in Chapter 1. In an era of romantic
love, dating, and individual freedom from parental intervention in arranged marriage, the increase in the
proportion of never married population seems paradoxical. Considering that the average age at marriage
signals the implementation of the social norm, and that the average rate in these industrialised Asian
countries falls within the age range 25 to 30 (Quah, 2009:34-35), remaining single by the age of 40 serves as
a good indication of failure to meet the social norm or, more likely, as the outcome of changing social norms
on the timing of marriage.
Data from surveys on attitudes towards marriage suggest most people see marriage as one of their
important life goals (Quah, 2009; NFC, 2010; Jones et al, 2012). Do single adults need a helping hand in
meeting suitable marriage candidates? In the market economy where supply of services is driven by demand,
the rapid increase of the dating and matchmaking service industry suggests that people are seeking the
services of these modern matchmaker agencies in larger numbers (Quah, 2009). It is difficult to ascertain the
precise figures, but an approximate indication is found on the Internet. A Google search of the English term
‘marriage agencies’ by country in January 2014 produced 36,900 hits in South Korea; 21,400 in Thailand;
18,700 in China; 16,600 in Philippines; 13,900 in Singapore; 12,500 in Hong Kong; and 9,510 in Japan.
These numbers continue increasing and are most likely larger if the search is conducted in the national
languages (Japanese, Korean, Mandarin, Thai, and so on).
Besides the wide range of dating services and agencies of all types, the opportunity to meet suitable dates
has become faster with the use of mobile device applications. The number of social meeting apps has
increased exponentially since 2012. Among the most popular apps listed in the Apple Store, for example, are
Badoo, Twoo, Meet-Me, Dating-on-AYI, and Singles-Around-Me. Basically, these apps use GPS technology
for location-based services (Zhang et al, 2012) to connect subscribers. If you are a subscriber, the app shows
on your GPS-enabled mobile phone screen the face photos of other subscribers who are in close physical
proximity to your location. You then signal an ‘invitation’ to the one you wish to meet personally. The
selected subscriber receives your invite on his/her screen and swipes right to accept, or swipes left to decline
the invitation. Only when ‘both sweep right on each profile can they contact each other’ (HindustanTimes,
2014).
Curiously, the current mass media discussion on social networking ranges from ‘How your cell phone is
keeping you from meeting people’ (Wygant, 2013) to ‘Looking to date, meet new people, trust mobile phone
apps’ (HindustanTimes, 2014). This ambivalence towards the use of technology for instant social networking
is not surprising as we are transiting from intimacy as physical closeness to intimacy as a ‘right sweep’ on
our mobile screen to show interest in meeting a stranger. It is difficult to set geographical boundaries on this
newest of trends. The use of mobile phones and social networking apps is spread faster geographically than
demographically: we find cell phones in all countries, but the devices are mostly in the hands of younger
people. Owing to their large population size, China, Indonesia and India are among the Asian countries with
the greatest number of Internet and mobile phone users. No specific data are available on the use of social
networking or the age of users in Asia, but it is estimated that they are mostly young people, as suggested by
figures in the United States. The proportion of people using social networking varies significantly by age:
While 90% of Americans aged 18-29 used social networking in September 2013, this proportion was only
78% for those 30-49 years old, 65% among 50-64 year-olds, and 46% among people aged 65 or older (Pew
Research Center, 2014).
Today, people enjoy wide ranging technology-enabled opportunities to meet suitable marriage partners.
And yet, the trend away from the ancestral parental intervention to the modern personal choice has come full

121
circle. Conservative parents in New Delhi, India, who would prefer to arrange a marriage for their child, are
faced with his/her resistance and end up accepting the child’s choice but announcing it “as their own”
(Moore, 2014: 5). Some East Asian countries, for example China, Japan and South Korea, have seen the
return of the parental role albeit in a modified fashion. Groups of concerned Chinese, Japanese and Korean
parents are getting directly involved in matchmaking with a modern bend: They meet in public places
displaying and exchanging relevant information about their marriageable sons and daughters (Quah,
2009:13-25; Straits Times, 2013). We may well see in the future an increase in this and other new modern
versions of parental collaboration, together with commercial dating services of all kinds, as it appears that
young adults in the twentieth-first century may need all the help they can get to meet eligible marriage
partners.
NOTE
1. Fumie Kumagai is the author of the section on Japan. Stella Quah wrote the rest of the chapter.
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