This summary provides the key details from the document in 3 sentences: Ken is struggling to accept his daughter Rachel's new husband Cuckoo living in their home. At a family meeting to discuss house rules, Cuckoo requests that Ken remove his collection of Nazi books and memorabilia from the study where Cuckoo meditates. Ken refuses and calls a vote, campaigning for his books to stay by securing Dylan's vote in exchange for getting his crush Zoe to attend a party. The family ultimately votes for Ken to keep his books in the study.

1. CUCKOO/ Episode 2
ACT 1 SCENE 1
INT. THOMPSON HOUSEHOLD – KEN AND LORNA’S BEDROOM – DAY 1
Ken tossing and turning in his bed and begins to sleep talk.
KEN
No. No! Get out! Get out! No! Get out of my house! You!
Ken wakes himself up from sleep talking and sits up.
ACT 1 SCENE 2
INT. KITCHEN – DAY 1
Ken walks in and turns light on to find Cuckoo sitting with his legs
crossed, naked on the kitchen counter. Cuckoo’s eyes are closed, and he is
meditating.
KEN
Oh! Oh!
Ken attempts to walk around Cuckoo without him noticing.
CUCKOO
It’s wonderful to feel your energy in the room, Ken.
KEN
I’m just getting a glass of water.
Ken pours himself a glass of water from the kitchen tap.
CUCKOO
I’m meditating. I’m so fucking stoned.
KEN
I’ll probably leave you to it. In fact… Do you mind sitting on this? You
know… We prepare food on this surface.
CUCKOO
Oh, sure, yeah.
KEN
If you could just…
CUCKOO

2. Yeah, you want to just scooch it under?
KEN
Yeah. A bit higher maybe.
Ken slides a kitchen towel under Cuckoo.
CUCKOO
Yep. Oh, you’re right in there.
KEN
Oh!
CUCKOO
Phew! That’s nice. Thank you, Ken.
KEN
I’ll see you in the morning.
Ken exits.
CUCKOO
Night, Dad.
Ken turns the lights off.
TITLE
ACT 1 SCENE 3
INT. KEN AND LORNA’S BEDROOM – DAY 1
Ken and Lorna lying in bed.
KEN
I always imagined Rachel would marry someone educated, someone with
ambition. I’d respect his opinions and, most importantly, and I think this
is the key here, never ever see his wang or nuts.
LORNA
Cuckoo has his qualities, Ken. You know, we were talking about politics
the other day. He’s dead against war and famine. Ken… I felt like that
for years. Come on, love, it’s Rachel’s party on Saturday. I don’t want
you ruining it with your mopey face.
KEN
What mopey face? You mean the one where I pout… like this?

3. Ken pouts.
LORNA
Ooh, Ken!
(She giggles)
Cuckoo appears standing over Ken.
CUCKOO
You forgot your water.
Ken and Lorna turn around in shock. Cuckoo puts the water down and exits
the room. Lorna giggles.
ACT 2 SCENE 1
INT. KITCHEN – DAY 2
Rachel is writing down in a notebook.
RACHEL
And Jen and Hannah, that’s 28. Mum, you do promise that you haven’t
blabbed to anyone about Cuckoo?
Lorna is making toast for breakfast.
LORNA
I promise. It is going to be a complete and total surprise.
RACHEL
I can’t wait to see people’s faces! I go away for my gap year and I come
back married.
Dylan enters.
DYLAN
Are Connie and Steve bringing Zoe to the party?
RACHEL
Ah, dude, have you still not made a move on Zoe Chance? Mum, you
know the only reason he started lifeguarding was so he could perve on
Zoe in her swimming costume.
LORNA
Oh, Dylan!

4. DYLAN
I am a lifeguard. I’m guarding her. If I don’t stare at her, she might
drown.
Ken is looking through drawers.
KEN
Dylan, where’s my camera?
DYLAN
Where did you last put it?
KEN
In your hands.
DYLAN
I gave it you back.
KEN
I don’t remember that.
DYLAN
Because you’re senile.
KEN
Right, listen, everyone, I thought tonight we might have a family
meeting.
LORNA
Oh…
RACHEL
Ha-ha, Dylan!
DYLAN
Look, we don’t have to do this, the camera’s in my room.
KEN
It’s not about the camera or Dylan.
RACHEL
Is this about Cuckoo?
KEN
No. Well, in a way. It’s just a meeting because, well, you know, the
family has a new member, which I’m delighted about, and we need to

5. introduce him to the way we do things in this house, that’s all. No
agenda.
RACHEL
Well, I hope not, Dad. Because, you know Cuckoo and I don’t have to live
here.
KEN
Don’t you?
RACHEL
No! We could live on the street and be just as happy. We only stay here
so you and Mum don’t worry.
LORNA
We would worry, Ken.
ACT 2 SCENE 2
EXT. DRIVEWAY OF THOMPSON’S HOUSE – DAY 2
Cuckoo is painting a tuk-tuk, whilst Rachel watches over him.
RACHEL
If Dad starts complaining, just… be strong, don’t let him exploit your
sweet nature, okay?
CUCKOO
Yeah. Well, Ken can be a little old-fashioned, bless him, but without him
I wouldn’t have you, or a new home, or this, my new calling. My whole
life I’ve been searching for a way to change the world. Rach, it’s
potatoes! I mean, people will come to me for sustenance and, while they
wait, I’ll spread my message of joy, togetherness and war against the
state.
RACHEL
How did I ever get you?
They embrace and admire the tuk-tuk.
CUCKOO
(Sighs)
If a fast-food van can save the world, and I think it can, then this is the
van to do it. And it will do it.
ACT 2 SCENE 3
INT. DINING ROOM – DAY 2

6. All of the family and Cuckoo are sat around the dining room table.
KEN
So, Cuckoo, family meetings are an opportunity to bring up any problems
we may have with each other.
RACHEL
It’s basically a glorified way for Dad to boss us around.
KEN
That’s not fair, Rachel! This is a two-way process. Literally, anyone can
say anything about anyone, yeah? It’s not targeted at any individual in
particular, okay?
CUCKOO
Sounds great. Fuck, yeah! (punches the air) Family meeting! (slaps the
table)
KEN
So… Any tensions? Any problems? Rachel?
Rachel shakes her head.
Dylan?
Dylan shakes his head.
No one? Okay, Cuckoo, Lorna and I were a little put out that you entered
our bedroom in your birthday suit last night, weren’t we, Lorna?
LORNA
It was weird, yes! (giggling) Sorry, Cuckoo.
KEN
Basically, overall, we prefer you weren’t naked in the house.
CUCKOO
Okay. Er, what about when I’m in the shower?
KEN
Then obviously.
CUCKOO
And what about when I’m making love to Rachel?

7. Rachel smiles.
KEN
Also fine.
CUCKOO
What about when I’m making love to Rachel in the shower?
LORNA
That’s adventurous!
Rachel bites her lip and smiles.
KEN
Yup. Also… also fine.
CUCKOO
Okay.
KEN
Yeah.
CUCKOO
Can you just give me one second to process this, Ken?
There’s a minute of awkward silence.
Okay, fine. If it’ll make you happy, I would be honored to put clothing on
my body in your home.
KEN
Okay. Good! Okay, if that’s everything, thank you.
Everyone begins to get up.
CUCKOO
Oh, Ken, I actually… have a request of my own.
KEN
Oh?
CUCKOO
Yeah.
KEN
Okay, go ahead.

8. CUCKOO
I’ve been here a week now and I’ve discovered that the best place for me
to meditate is in your study. It’s so peaceful.
KEN
Well, you’re welcome to use it… with your clothes on.
CUCKOO
(Laughs)
Yes, of course! The thing is, my meditation requires a positive feng shui,
so I would like it if you, Ken, could remove all of your Nazi memorabilia.
KEN
What?! You mean my books on World War II?
CUCKOO
Er, the hoards of books about the Nazis, yes. I mean, I don’t mean to
judge—
KEN
I like history. That’s why I’ve got books on the Nazis, okay?
CUCKOO
Yeah, I know, but I mean, how much is there to know really, Ken? I
mean, they came into power, they invaded Italy, they died of influenza.
KEN
What?
CUCKOO
The point is, in my opinion, and I’m not saying you have to agree with
this, I think the Nazis were bad people.
KEN
Yes, I agree.
CUCKOO
And if I’m gonna be meditating in a room full of Nazi energy, who’s to say
that I’m not gonna become a Nazi.
RACHEL
Dad, if Cuckoo isn’t gonna be naked in the house, I really think you
should put your books in the garage.
KEN

9. What?!
CUCKOO
Seems fair.
Ken hits his finger on the table.
KEN
No!
CUCKOO
No? Yeah.
LORNA
But, Ken, it’s just a couple of books.
KEN
They are my books, Lorna. And it is my study. No!
RACHEL
What happened to this two-way process?
KEN
Look, family meetings are to make the rules up for you not for me.
Dylan starts hitting his head on the table.
It’s my house.
LORNA
Our house, Ken.
KEN
It’s our house.
RACHEL
Okay, well, here’s an idea. Why don’t we vote?
LORNA
Brilliant! Let’s do that then.
DYLAN
Anything to get this over with.
KEN
No! No vote. I suggest we all do what Dad says.

10. DYLAN
Fine by me.
LORNA
Okay, let’s do that, Rach.
RACHEL
No! No! No, Dad! You’re not getting away with this. You’re always
going on about how the strong shouldn’t impose on the weak, and here
you are in your own house lording it over everyone. You’re like a
dictator. In fact, you’re like Hitler.
Ken is in shock and taken aback.
CUCKOO
The biggest Nazi of them all.
RACHEL
Yeah.
DYLAN
You are a bit like Hitler, Dad. You actually look like him.
LORNA
It’s the eyebrows.
KEN
Alright, s… Stop! Stop! Alright, we will take a vote, tomorrow night.
Happy?
ALL
Yep.
Ken points to Dylan.
KEN
I do not have eyebrows like Hitler.
ACT 2 SCENE 4
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY 3
Ken and Lorna are sitting on the sofa watching TV.
LORNA

11. I don’t know why there has to be such a fuss. Why can’t you move your
Nazi books?
KEN
It’s not about the books, Lorna. If we start letting them tell us what to
do, we lose control in our own household. Those Nazi books are a symbol
of all that’s decent and positive in our lives.
LORNA
You mean, who rules the roost, who’s got the biggest swinging dick, you
or Cuckoo? Well, I’ve seen them both and…
Lorna stops herself.
KEN
What were you going to say?
LORNA
You know what, I’ve completely forgotten.
KEN
Lorna, what were you going to say?
LORNA
I was going to say that yours is by far the biggest, and I only hesitated
because I didn’t want you to get complacent.
KEN
Okay. That makes sense.
Ken gestures for Lorna to give him a hug and then they embrace.
ACT 2 SCENE 5
EXT. OUTSIDE OF KEN’S WORK – DAY 3
Dylan walks into Ken’s workplace.
INT. INSIDE OF KEN’S WORK – DAY 3
Dylan walks into Ken’s office.
DYLAN
I got your text. What do you want?
KEN

12. Who said anything about wanting anything? Come in. It’s good to see
you.
DYLAN
Let’s cut to the chase. The vote. Rachel will be with Cuckoo, Mum will be
with you, so I’m the deciding vote.
KEN
Yes, but you know, Dylan, you’ve really grown up in the last couple of
years and I—
DYLAN
Here’s the deal! I give you my vote and you make Zoe come to Rachel’s
party on Saturday.
KEN
Connie and Steve’s Zoe?
DYLAN
You and her parents are friends. She’s doing work experience with you.
You have influence.
KEN
Why?
DYLAN
So I can make my move.
KEN
I thought you did lifeguarding so you could make your move.
DYLAN
Yeah, it can be hard to start a conversation, she swims very fast.
KEN
Yeah. Dylan, I’m not inviting a 16-year-old girl to a party for you.
DYLAN
Well then, Dad, I’m not voting for you.
KEN
Dylan!
DYLAN
That’s the deal, buddy. Take it or leave it.

13. Dylan walks out the door and then pokes his head around back in.
DYLAN
You giving me a lift home?
KEN
(sarcastically)
Sure.
ACT 2 SCENE 6
EXT. OUTSIDE OF CONNIE AND STEVE’S HOUSE – DAY 3
INT. CONNIE AND STEVE’S LIVING ROOM – DAY 3
Ken is looking at their family photo.
STEVE
Connie mentioned Rachel’s back in town.
KEN
Hence the party tomorrow. How’s Zeb?
STEVE
Oh, fine, yeah. Enjoying university in Cambridge.
Ken gives Steve a look.
What? What is it, Ken?
KEN
Oh, no, it’s just from what you said people might get the idea that Zeb is
at Cambridge University.
STEVE
But I didn’t say that, did I, Ken? I said he’s at university in Cambridge.
I’m not gonna change my natural form of expression to suit twits and
morons, am I?
Connie walks in.
CONNIE
Ken! What are you doing here?
KEN
Just… hanging out with my old mate Steve. Listen… I’ve got to pop off
but I’ll see all three of you at the party tomorrow, right?

14. CONNIE
Three of us?
KEN
Yes. You, Steve and Zoe. The team. So lovely to see a family together.
CONNIE
Thanks, but Zoe’s got another party.
KEN
Well, why don’t you drive her to the other party later?
STEVE
That really wouldn’t be very convenient for us, Ken. Does it matter?
KEN
Thing is, I need to speak to Zoe about her work experience.
CONNIE
She’s still coming to you in the holidays, isn’t she?
KEN
Yes, I just need to give her the lowdown, the dos, the don’ts, safety
policy.
STEVE
Health and Safety, eh? Be the death of us.
(laughs)
KEN
Spot on, Steve! Such a drag. But it does need to be done at the party
tomorrow.
CONNIE
Yes, but Zoe’s work experience doesn’t start till July. Can’t it wait?
KEN
Not really. Intern, couple of years ago, she came in, ignored a regulation
on the first day… and died.
STEVE
She died?
KEN
We were all very sad. But it does highlight the importance of banging it
in early.

15. CONNIE
Well, okay, if you have to speak to Zoe, you can do it now.
KEN
What?
CONNIE
It’s fine, she’s just upstairs. Zoe!
KEN
Connie, no! No.
CONNIE
Why ever not?
Ken stands up.
KEN
I’m hungry, Connie. My stomach is rumbling.
CONNIE
I’m sure I can whip you up something.
Connie and Steve stand up.
KEN
No!
CONNIE
Well, it wouldn’t be a problem. And you can talk to Zoe.
KEN
I don’t like your food.
CONNIE
Okay. Well then, I supposed we’ll bring her.
KEN
That’s fantastic news. Looking forward to it already.
Connie and Steve sit back down.
What a great girl.
Ken walks out.

16. ACT 2 SCENE 7
INT. THOMPSON HOUSEHOLD – LIVING ROOM – DAY 3
Ken is standing facing the sofa which Lorna, Cuckoo, Rachel and Dylan are
sitting on.
KEN
Right, the big vote. So who votes I get to keep my books in my study?
Dylan raises his hand.
Dylan
I do.
Lorna and Ken raise their hands.
KEN
Ah, looks like that’s carried. Thanks then, everyone.
Dylan and Lorna get up from the sofa before Rachel and Cuckoo do. Dylan,
Lorna and Rachel all leave the room whilst Cuckoo talks to Ken.
CUCKOO
Well, congratulations, Ken, you won and I lost. But democracy won, so in
a way, we both won.
Cuckoo shakes Ken’s hand for an awkwardly long amount of time.
KEN
But you lost.
CUCKOO
No, we both won.
They both laugh.
KEN
But you lost.
CUCKOO
Come on, we both won.
KEN
You lost.

17. CUCKOO
Okay!
They both laugh.
CUCKOO
We both won, bring it in.
They stop shaking hands and Cuckoo goes in for a hug. Ken avoids the hug
and walks away.
Ken
You lost.
Cuckoo stands alone in the middle of the room.
CUCKOO
(sighs)
We both won.
KEN
(from another room)
No!
ACT 2 SCENE 8
EXT. THOMPSON HOUSEHOLD – DAY 3
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY 3
Ken is reading a book about Nazi’s on the sofa. Rachel walks into the
living room.
RACHEL
Hiya, Dad.
KEN
Hi.
Rachel sits next to Ken on the sofa.
RACHEL
Listen, I know we disagree on pretty much everything that’s important in
the world.
KEN
Sure.

18. RACHEL
But it was so meaningful...
Ken realises what Rachel said about disagreeing.
KEN
Do we?
Rachel carries on her sentence.
RACHEL
...how you let us have that vote. Letting us decide as a family in a fair
way, just showed you respected me, you know.
Ken feels guilty.
KEN
No problem.
RACHEL
I love you, Dad.
Rachel hugs Ken.
KEN
I love you, too. I just miss the way we were a little bit. I’m sure I’ll get
used to it, but I just…
Cuckoo joins their hug from behind. Ken looks fed up.
CUCKOO
I could stay here all day.
KEN
Mm!
ACT 2 SCENE 9
INT. BATHROOM – DAY 4
Dylan is in a towel, putting on cologne. He continues to put on cologne.
He just keeps on putting on cologne over his entire body. Then leaves.
ACT 2 SCENE 10
INT. DINING ROOM – DAY 4

19. Lorna and Rachel are sorting out decorations.
RACHEL
Mum, you promise you haven’t told any of the guests about Cuckoo?
LORNA
I haven’t, Rach. I have kept every secret you have ever trusted to me.
What about when you had that secret kiss with your French exchange?
RACHEL
Dad, did you know about my kiss with the French exchange?
Ken is blowing up a balloon.
KEN
Oui! Clement, Bastille night, 2007.
Rachel gives an ‘I told you so’ look.
LORNA
Well, obviously, I had to tell your dad.
KEN
I found out from Connie.
Lorna and Rachel scrunch their noses at the pungent smell of Dylan as he
enters.
LORNA
Pwooah!
RACHEL
Desperation Pour Homme?
LORNA
Dylan, go back and shower again. You smell like Ricky Martin.
Rachel laughs. Dylan flips a bird and leaves.
ACT 3 SCENE 1
EXT. THOMPSON HOUSEHOLD – DAY 4
There are lots of cars in the drive. We hear the doorbell ring.
1. INT. BOTTOM FLOOR – DAY 4

20. Lorna is speaking to a guest before going to answer the door. Connie and
Steve walk in.
LORNA
Connie! Hi!
CONNIE
Hello.
LORNA
Hello, Steve.
STEVE
Lorna.
LORNA
Hi. Oh? Hello, Zoe.
Zoe gives Lorna a dirty look and then walks away into the house.
CONNIE
Oh, isn’t this lovely? So, Lorna, where’s Rach?
LORNA
She’ll be out in a bit. Yes, she’s… got a bit of an announcement to make.
CONNIE
Oh, right? Not pregnant?
LORNA
No! But close.
CONNIE
Oh, got married then?
STEVE
Oooh!
Connie and Steve laugh and Lorna looks surprised. Connie and Steve walk
into the party. Ken shakes his head at Lorna.
LORNA
What?
Lorna closes the door and follows into the party.
Zoe is talking to a boy named Charlie in the party.

21. ZOE
So did you do anything this summer?
CHARLIE
Yeah, I went camping with my dad.
ZOE
Oh, yeah? Whereabouts?
Dylan walks in.
DYLAN
Zoe! Fancy seeing you here.
ZOE
Oh, Dylan. Your dad made me come.
DYLAN
Really? That guy is so odd.
CHARLIE
Dylan? That’s a gay name!
DYLAN
What are you, like, ten?
CHARLIE
Twelve.
DYLAN
Right. Erm… So, yeah, Zoe, I was just thinking that this is a terrible
party. Maybe you’d want to go somewhere more quiet so we could hang
out?
ZOE
Okay.
CHARLIE
Can I come?
DYLAN
No.
ZOE

22. Well, why can’t Charlie come? Were you hoping to get me on my own or
something?
DYLAN
What?! No! No, obviously not. Charlie can come. Come on, mate! Come
on.
Dylan, Charlie and Zoe walk off.
Then we go to Lorna who’s greeting more guests.
LORNA
Hi, Kelly! Oh, it’s lovely to see you.
Lorna and Kelly hug.
KELLY
Hiya, Lorna. What’s with the potato van out front?
LORNA
Oh, my lips are sealed. It’s all part of Rachel’s big secret. All I can say is
it’s very exciting and life-changing and romantic.
KELLY
She got married.
KELLY’S HUSBAND
To a guy with a potato van.
Lorna laughs nervously and Kelly and her husband leave.
LORNA
Oh, shit!
EXT. THOMPSON HOUSEHOLD – DAY 3
A glass tinkles.
RACHEL
Okay.
2. INT. DINING ROOM – DAY 3
Rachel is standing in front of everyone announcing her news.
RACHEL
I’ve told a few of you that I’ve got really big news.

23. KELLY’S HUSBAND
Congratulations on your marriage, Rachel.
Rachel looks at Lorna in disappointment whilst everyone is cheering.
Lorna points to Ken and mouths the words, “it was him”.
RACHEL
Okay. Yeah. I got married, er… to the most inspirational person I have
ever met. His name is Cuckoo.
Rachel laughs as she brings Cuckoo in front of everyone. They hug.
ALL
Aah!
CUCKOO
Ah… Well, I guess, hi.
ALL
Hi!
STEVE
Hello.
CUCKOO
Okay, silence!
Guests look slightly concerned.
Close your eyes. Go on, close ‘em.
Guests look confused.
Close your eyes, close your eyes. Yes, yes.
Guests close their eyes.
This’ll be fun, trust me. (to Connie) Cue-ball, close your eyes! Don’t
waste my time.
Cuckoo is pointing and Connie looks concerned.
Good.
(sarcastically)

24. I wanna talk about the word “love”. It’s hard to define, isn’t it? It’s not
something we can touch or eat or smell, but it exists.
Ken opens one eye.
Scientists would have us believe that love is just a bunch of chemicals
rushing to our brains.
Ken opens both eyes.
But if it were chemicals, why wouldn’t these so-called “scientists” just
make some love? They could bottle it, hand it out at parties. It would
actually be really awesome. But the truth is, we don’t need scientists to
tell us what love is. I am love and Rachel is love. And that love that is
me loves the love that is her, and together we bring forth our love before
all of you, who are also made of love.
Ken rolls his eyes.
And our loves cross and inter-cross and motocross and build into this big
old love Shreddie and… Oh, my fucking God, it’s beautiful! Feel the love,
be the love, never, ever let go of the love, which you can’t anyways
because you are it. Thank you.
Guests open their eyes and Lorna rushes up to the front.
LORNA
Also, we’re bringing the lamb out in a bit, so if you can please re-use your
knives and forks.
EXT. THOMPSON HOUSEHOLD – DAY 3
3. INT. GARAGE – DAY 3
Dylan and Zoe are sitting on the sofa.
DYLAN
I’ve been watching you swimming this term. You’re really… fast.
Charlie is looking around.
ZOE
Oh, thanks, and you’ve been doing good… lifeguarding.
DYLAN
Hey, do you want a massage?

25. Zoe looks disgusted.
Just, I’ve been reading up on it, by coincidence and… I could really use
some practice.
ZOE
No, I’m okay.
CHARLIE
Massage?
Dylan looks scared.
Oh, great!
Dylan begins to massage Charlie and Charlie sighs. Steve walks into the
garage.
STEVE
Zoe, it… It’s time.
Steve leaves and Zoe follows.
CHARLIE
Bit more on my lower back.
Dylan moves his hands down.
That’s lovely!
4. INT. KITCHEN – DAY 3
Rachel, Toby and his girlfriend are getting food from the table.
TOBY’S GIRLFRIEND
Oh, my God! Look at you! Look at you! You’re so thin and tanned. Not
like you used to be. A right porker, weren’t you? Wow! Thought I was
meant to be the pretty one.
(laughs)
RACHEL
You still are.
TOBY’S GIRLFRIEND
(laughs)

26. I’m not. You fit bitch! Can’t believe you got married. Weird coincidence
because, actually, Toby and I have been thinking about getting engaged.
TOBY
I haven’t.
TOBY’S GIRLFRIEND
Yeah, well, we talk about kids’ names and stuff all the time.
TOBY
You do, when you’re drunk. I hate it.
TOBY’S GIRLFRIEND
Anyway, very much on the cards!
Toby shakes his head. Rachel leaves.
5. INT. KEN’S STUDY – DAY 3
KEN
“Regulation 13 – when lifting heavy boxes, always lift from the knee and
never from the lower back.”
Zoe is clearly not paying attention and is just looking at his books.
“Regulation 14…”
ZOE
You’ve got a lot of Nazi books.
KEN
Books about Nazi’s. I’m interested in history.
ZOE
But this is really a lot.
KEN
I’m not a Nazi. “Regulation 14 – never enter the maintenance room
without supervision from the caretaker.” There we go, all done.
ZOE
Is that it?
KEN
Yep, ordeal over, swill your mouth out on the way out. Like at the
dentist.

27. ZOE
Do you fancy me or something?
KEN
What?
ZOE
Because I’m looking for an explanation of why you made me miss my
party for this crappy talk.
KEN
Was it really so crappy?
ZOE
And the obvious one is, you wanted to get me alone in your study.
KEN
What? Zoe, that… that is a scandalous accusation and one that I really
hope you keep to yourself.
ZOE
So what, you’re just being weird?
KEN
Well… If wanting to prepare a friend’s child for a potentially life-defining
internship is weird, then yes, I’m weird. You could say that I’m weird.
I’m weird.
ZOE
You’re weird
KEN
Yes, weird. Not a perv. Just harmlessly strange.
Zoe looks at Ken suspiciously.
Mm. Yeah. Go now.
Zoe slowly turns around and walks out of his office. Ken spins back around
on his chair.
6. INT. KITCHEN – DAY 3
Cuckoo and Rachel are talking to Connie.

28. CUCKOO
So, yeah, I had it made in Vietnam and, er, it cost basically nothing and
they were the sweetest kids.
CONNIE
Ah, it’s such amazing news. Aw, Rach, I’m so happy. And Cuckoo!
Weird, though, because I always thought you’d marry Zeb, our Zeb.
CUCKOO
I don’t even know him.
RACHEL
No, me.
CUCKOO
Oh!
RACHEL
Really?!
CONNIE
Well, could still happen, though. I mean, this is a bit of a whirlwind, isn’t
it? Could all fall through.
RACHEL
No, Connie, we’re really happy.
CUCKOO
Yeah.
CONNIE
Well, you never know. And when… if… when it does happen… Zeb.
Connie leaves.
CUCKOO
Oh! I like her.
RACHEL
Oh, come on!
CUCKOO
No?
7. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY 3

29. Disco music plays. Dylan is sat down looking bored and checking his
watch whilst guests dance. Cuckoo and Lorna are dancing enthusiastically.
8. INT. KITCHEN – DAY 3
Rachel joins Zoe by the kitchen island.
RACHEL
Hiya, Zoe. Bored?
ZOE
Yeah.
RACHEL
So why don’t you get off with Dylan. Might as well, not like there’s
anything else to do.
ZOE
Hm.
Zoe walks off and Rachel follows.
9. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY 3
Cuckoo and Lorna are dancing enthusiastically. Zoe walks over to Dylan.
ZOE
Do you wanna… talk outside?
She points her head towards the door.
DYLAN
Alright.
Zoe takes Dylan by the hand before Lorna stops them.
LORNA
Dylan, Zoe, stop there! We’re gonna have a photo. Photo everybody?
ALL
Yeah!
CONNIE
Great idea! Come on!

30. They all walk to the kitchen and Ken gets his camera out to take a photo of
Lorna, Rachel, Dylan and Cuckoo.
KEN
Right, let’s get you four.
STEVE
Oh, no, Ken, come on. You’ve gotta be in it. I’ll take this, let me take
this.
KEN
Oh, thank you, Steve.
Ken joins the other four.
STEVE
Now, how do you get the old flash on this, on the…? Oh? Oh, no. I’ve got
all your old photographs up here, Ken (laughs). No naughty snaps of
Lorna, I hope?
ALL
(laughs)
KEN
Oh, yeah! You wish.
Steve’s face drops.
STEVE
Ken… why have you got photographs of our teenage daughter in her
swimming costume on your camera?
KEN
(laughs)
I haven’t!
STEVE
You do, Ken.
Steve shows Connie.
CONNIE
What the hell is this, Ken?!
ZOE
My God, you are a perv.

31. LORNA
Ken?
There is an awkward silence.
KEN
Now look, Steve—
STEVE
SHUT UP!! I’m gonna… I’m gonna… Ah!
Steve grabs a chicken drumstick and throws it at Ken and takes his top off.
KEN
Oh!
ALL
(gasps)
CUCKOO
Chicken!
Ken gasps and seems offended. Dylan looks at him with guilt.
KEN
Oh, okay. Alright! Everybody listen. I didn’t take them. It wasn’t me.
DYLAN
(whispers)
No, Dad, if you tell them, I’m gonna tell Rachel you bought my vote.
KEN
Thing is, I lent Dylan my camera. Dylan has a little crush on Zoe.
DYLAN
I fucking don’t!
STEVE
Don’t try and fob it off on your son.
CUCKOO
Okay. Alright, alright, everybody just relax. Now, Steve, look, you have a
very beautiful, very alluring daughter, and if Ken wants to take a couple
of pictures of her sweet little tush—

32. ALL
(gasps and screams)
Connie covers/hugs Zoe.
KEN
Shut up, Cuckoo! Shut up!
CUCKOO
I was wrong.
KEN
Give me the camera.
STEVE
This is evidence! Get off! Get off!
KEN
Give me the camera, you stupid little man!
STEVE
Get off me! Get off me!
KEN
God’s sake! Honestly, look at these pictures.
Ken shows the camera and pictures.
Dylan. Dylan. Dylan’s friends. Dylan took these. He must have done it
when he was lifeguarding.
STEVE
Right. Er, honest mistake, Ken. Sorry about the chicken drumstick.
KEN
Come on!
Dylan looks awkward. Charlie has his arm around Zoe with a big smile on
his face, then they walk off together.
DYLAN
Wait, Zoe, wait!
Ken puts his arm around Dylan.
KEN

33. Now I know, you’re probably thinking about getting me back for that, the
thing is, you’ve really matured over the last couple of years, son, and I
know…
Dylan’s face is getting progressively angrier.
ACT 4 SCENE 1
INT. GARAGE – DAY 3
Ken is sat on the sofa reading a book on Nazi’s.
CUCKOO
So, this is what the garage looks like.
Cuckoo sits next to Ken and hands him a mug.
Peace offering.
Ken sighs and takes the mug.
I forgive you, Ken.
KEN
For?
CUCKOO
For bribing your son to corrupt the process of democracy in our house.
KEN
(sarcastically)
Well, that is big of you.
CUCKOO
I guess it is. Ken, I’ve always considered myself a teacher, and of all my
students… you’re the naughty, special one, aren’t you? Lorna is the
happy one. Dylan is the dim-witted one. And Rachel is the one I have sex
with. A lot.
Cuckoo hits Ken on the chest.
Come on, let’s hug it out.
Cuckoo puts his mug down and hugs Ken who is not reciprocating.
Mmm! A big bite of juicy Ken steak (laughs). Haaaaaaaaaa!

34. THE END