The document discusses the ineffectiveness of trying to convince an ex-partner to rekindle a relationship, emphasizing that triggering emotional feelings is more effective. It provides practical techniques for rebuilding a connection, such as maintaining private communication, using vulnerability, and allowing time to create opportunities for reconnection. The author shares an example involving a couple, encouraging the reader to focus on evoking emotions rather than logical arguments to win back their ex.

1. Convincing Your Ex Versus Triggering Feelings
When you’ve shared a special connection with someone, it’s hard to let it go.
Especially when you know there’s still a lot of potential if he would just open his heart again.
You could build a beautiful life together.
If that’s something you want, then it’s only natural you would try to convince him that he should give
the relationship another shot. After all, convincing him feels like the right thing to do.
Why would you not try to reason with him? Why wouldn’t you try to show him he’s making a mistake by
pulling away?
Yet this is one of those times in life when our instincts lead us awry. Because convincing your ex never
works. Fortunately, I know something that does.
Triggering feelings.
(By the way, if you’d like laser-targeted advice about getting your ex to talk to you again, check out my
Relationship Rewrite Method here).
Here’s the thing, triggering feelings will always trump logical argument.
Why? Because emotions run the show. We humans are not as rational as we’d like to believe. That’s
true of all forms of decision-making, but especially when it comes to matters of the heart.
Emotion. It’s your best shot at winning him back.
I care about all my clients. But I have to be honest, sometimes a client’s story tugs at my heart and it
gets personal for me. That was the case with Leah, a mother of five, the oldest of whom was born when
she and the father were both seventeen, just high school sweethearts.
I’ll admit there was a judgmental part of me that thought Leah and Joel had been incredibly
irresponsible to start having children while they were still children themselves. But I soon forgot all
about that as I learned of the beautiful family they had created together, only to be torn apart by a short
series of missteps and what I’ll call “almost-infidelity.” First by one, and then (in reaction) by the other.
Leah sought out my professional services first. Joel had moved out three months earlier.

2. Joel joined us a few sessions later. He was complacent with me and defiant with Leah. He had his mind
made up. The hurt was just too great. But he claimed it was because Leah was “crazy.”
Leah, on the other hand, was not ready to let go of what they shared.
She had fire in her eyes every time she spoke directly to Joel in our sessions, demanding that he stop
living the life of a bachelor, pursuing other women while her life began to look more and more like that
of a single mother, just struggling to get by.
And this is where things get complicated for me. It was hard for me to maintain professional objectivity.
You see, I wanted to convince Joel as well. I wanted to jump in with Leah and fight for this little family to
survive.
Fortunately, I knew better.
So I privately began to teach Leah the techniques I’m going to share with you today. Let me show you
the difference between convincing your ex versus triggering the right kind of feelings.
[CONTINUE READING]
The easiest way for me to illustrate the difference between convincing your ex and triggering feelings is
to offer you a simple list of do’s and don’ts. So let’s get right to it.
Don’t Do This:
● Don’t argue that he owes you an explanation since you know he still has feelings for you.
● Don’t tell him the relationship was going just fine and then try to get him to own his share of the
blame for why things began to fall apart.
● Don’t imply he owes you something after all you’ve been through together.
● Don’t tell him real relationships take work and he needs to grow up.
● Don’t try to prove you shared something special by forcing him to acknowledge specific
examples from your past.
All that telling, convincing, and arguing will get you nowhere. In fact, it will simply reinforce the painful
emotions that are driving him away from you in the first place.
Why? Because his brain will automatically come up with counter arguments.
For example, if you tell him things were great in the past, he will immediately test the truth of that
assertion by scanning his memories for contradictory evidence. He’ll think of the fights, the frustrations,
and other low points.

3. He’ll mention those problems. And this will reinforce your efforts to convince. You’ll end up showing him
your worst side. Angry. Desperate. And if that goes on too long, you’ll become bitter, resentful, and
maybe even sarcastic.
You know it’s true. This is how we all react when something matters to us deeply but the other person
refuses to be convinced. This is not what I want for you to show him. Don’t try to convince.
Instead, let his emotions do the work for you.
Do this:
I’ll explain each of these briefly after listing the techniques.
● Build a private line of communication.
● Use private flirting but not broadcast flirting.
● Be vulnerable about struggles interfering with your goals.
● Throw rocks at his enemies.
● Make time your servant.
Build a Private Line of Communication
Here your goal is simple. Completely eliminate any communication via channels where others can
observe his responses to you. Then ensure you have at least one private method for communicating
with him directly. Text messaging is the most common method for achieving this.
Why not communicate on social media channels like Facebook? Because privacy releases him from the
human compulsion to remain consistent. We don’t like to appear inconsistent. Psychologists call this
“the consistency bias.” Once we have publicly committed to something (like a breakup) we feel foolish
showing any sign that we are wavering or may have even made the wrong decision.
So your job is to completely remove that threat by eliminating any communication in public settings.
Don’t talk to him in front of the kids. Don’t talk to him in front of your friends or his friends. Don’t ask
him to meet you in a public place for coffee and a chat.
He won’t even notice you’re not communicating with him publicly. Without realizing why, he’ll feel
more open to exploring where things could go with you.
Just send him a pleasant message once every four or five days. Something you knew he would find
interesting, funny, or exciting. Nothing about your relationship. No convincing.

4. Only send the kinds of messages that gradually condition him to expect that pleasurable little rush of
dopamine you get when you open your favorite email newsletter or text messages from a friend who is
good at making you laugh.
Don’t demand any kind of response. Just keep the doors of communication open.
Use Private Flirting but Not Broadcast Flirting
I wrote an entire article on this one powerful concept. I encourage you to read it in its entirety here.
For now, I’ll just share this simple explanation.
Broadcast flirting is on display for everyone to see.
When a woman uses broadcast flirting, everyone around can see what she’s up to.
For example, it’s broadcast flirting when Debbie laughs at all Daniel’s jokes at the office party and
purposefully compliments him in front of others. Exclusive flirting is different.
Think of it like an exclusive club. There are only two people in the club, and the two people share
something exclusive.
This is another reason your private line of communication is a must. You need an avenue to bring up
insiders-only stuff like an inside joke or a reference to a funny moment only the two of you would
remember.
Any message like that evokes the right kinds of emotion. It evokes the emotions that naturally arise
from feeling part of something special. No convincing is needed.
Be Vulnerable about Struggles and Goals
Once your private line of communication is up and running, it’s time to step things up a notch.
Many brilliant people have talked about the power of vulnerability, including Brené Brown who has
recently popularized the concept while helping us all to understand its true power. But I have a more
specific purpose in mind for you.
If you are honest about goals you care about, and the struggles that block your way, it naturally triggers
his hero instinct. It increases the chances that he’ll want to come to your rescue in big or small ways.

5. And for men, being someone’s hero is romantic in ways that are hard for women to understand. It tugs
at an ancient instinct all of us men share.
Throw Rocks at His Enemies
it sounds cruel, but I mean it metaphorically. We all want someone to have our back. We all crave
validation more than we are willing to admit.
And guess what? Your private line of communication is the perfect opportunity for him to complain
about anyone or anything that’s getting in his way.
When it comes to your ex, this is an ideal opportunity to put “the respect principle” to work.
The respect principle is the main topic of the downloadable relationship course that first made me
famous as a relationship coach. Thousands of women have taken my course and used the respect
principle to bring out the best in their man.
Simply put, men confuse the emotional sensations they get from love and respect. And if forced to
choose, they would rather feel respected than loved.
So when the frustrated text arrives, recognize it as the golden opportunity it is. Because we will do
anything for someone who validates our frustration and takes our side when we are feeling insecure.
Give him the impression that you hold him in high esteem relative to other men. He’ll love you for it
even if he’s not ready to admit it.
Make Time Your Servant
Waiting is hard. Especially when you fear his heart may be taken by another woman at any minute.
But feeling pressured to fix things fast is one of the worst culprits when it comes to my clients pushing
men into a corner and inadvertently triggering his instinct to fight or flee.
Don’t let time pressure be a master. Instead, make time your servant. Make it work for you.
The key to accomplishing that is to recognize that time is on your side. He’s already pulled away from
you. That’s done. Now you need time on your side because it works day and night to gradually break
down the emotional walls he built up against the idea of getting back together with you.
Give a man and a woman enough time together, and something’s bound to spark romantic feelings
eventually. Give it enough time, and your private line of communication will eventually present you with
an opportunity to see each other again face-to-face.

6. When that opportunity arises to spend time in person, here’s what you’re going to do. Make long, deep
eye contact. Less talking, more silence.
Silence carries great power between lovers. It speaks louder than words and often evokes emotion in
ways that bypass the barriers of words.
Plus, sustaining eye contact while thinking loving thoughts toward him will cause your pupils to dilate.
Humans subconsciously notice this small change and it triggers reciprocal feelings of attraction.
So use periods of long, sustained eye contact. Make him wonder what you are thinking. Let his
imagination do the work.
While you’re at it, it helps to wear something new and different. It helps to differentiate the woman
from his past and the woman standing in front of him now. If you have the opportunity, show up in
something he’s never seen you wear before.
I understand your situation is unique. Some of my suggestions may not apply. Despite that, I hope you
will find opportunities to use this understanding of the difference between convincing and evoking the
right feelings in the man you love.
To your happy future,
James
P.S. I’d love to help you rekindle the romance with your ex. If you’d like to see how, follow this link.