Channel Surfing: Volume 2 is a follow-up collection of randomly conceived, shamelessly odd thoughts, experiences, and ideas expressed through abbreviated concepts. As with the first volume, each page stands alone with no overarching narrative. Volume 2 is available in a digital-only format. Because trees. And also because hundreds of printed Volume 1 booklets still sit in my basement. Of the copies I did manage to peddle out to friends and local coffee shops, I can only hope they continue to be enjoyed and properly housed on a worthy bookshelf...but more likely they were tolerated for the same amount of time as a thoughtful birthday card and then recycled to collectively become the box of the Amazon® package that was stolen off their front porch. So there. Full circle. Flip (scroll) through and enjoy the surf! -Joe

1. JOSEPH DEFEVER
CHANNEL SURFING

2. Text copyright © 2019 by Joseph DeFever
No part of this book may be reproduced, or
stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted
in any form or by any means, electronic,
mechanical, photocopying, recording, or
otherwise, without the expressed written
permission of Joseph DeFever.
That’s just bad juju.
josephdefever.com

3. Channel Surfing: Volume 2 is a follow-up
collection of randomly conceived, shamelessly
odd thoughts, experiences, and ideas expressed
through abbreviated concepts. As with the
first volume, each page stands alone with no
overarching narrative.
Volume 2 is available in a digital-only format.
Because trees. And also because hundreds
of printed Volume 1 booklets still sit in my
basement. Of the copies I did manage to peddle
out to friends and local coffee shops, I can only
hope they continue to be enjoyed and properly
housed on a worthy bookshelf...but more likely
they were tolerated for the same amount of time
as a thoughtful birthday card and then recycled
to collectively become the box of the Amazon®
package that was stolen off their front porch. So
there. Full circle.
Flip (scroll) through and enjoy the surf!
-Joe

4. – 2 –
As American as:
-Guns
-Fireworks
-Fast food
-Speaking English
-A strong economy
-Fake news
-“A great wall”
So basically, Chinese.

5. – 3 –
Heartfelt Hallmark® card ideas that
just aren’t quite there:
-You’re the low interest rate to my
pointless liberal arts degree student
loans
-You’re the hormone-pumped, corn-
fed cow’s milk to my dry-smacking
peanut butter mouth
-You’re the powerful 3 gallon flush to
my what-the-hell-did-I-eat-last-night
-You’re the overpriced express lane
to my congested, suicidal
thought-inducing commute
-You’re the Sriracha® to my
anything. Literally anything.

6. – 4 –
I feel bad for the word
‘demonstrative’
It has such a scary,
monstrous sound to it,
but really
it’s just trying to
show you something.

7. – 5 –
For dogs, butt sniffing is their form
of small talk. I imagine a single sniff
could instantly answer all of the
following conversation pieces we
humans struggle through:
-“So what do you do?”
-“Eaten any good meals lately?”
-“How did you sleep last night?”
-“How’s your stress level these days?”
-“What did you do today?”
-“Are you on any special diets?”
-“Are you allergic to anything?”
-“Do you have a significant other?”
And as for fire hydrants...now those
are like all-in-one concerts, art
museums, and political conventions
for dogs.

8. – 6 –
Knowledge is power.
Except in instances where you really
could benefit from a placebo.
Then it absolutely isn’t.

9. – 7 –
What could we as humans have
accomplished with the collective
amount of time we’ve spent
changing out our autocorrected texts
from ‘ducking’ to what we actually
meant to type?
Probably a whole ducking lot.

10. – 8 –
The digital age spells interesting
circumstances for cultural posterity.
Thanks to technology, 21st cen-
tury cultural phenomena (arts, music,
cuisine, fashion) are being recorded
at a higher frequency and resolution
than ever before in history. But the
sheer amount of data being archived
renders focus on any one recorded
piece inadequate of holistic represen-
tation across this prolific time.
Archaeologists of the future
won’t have that same Indiana Jones
sex appeal. They’ll be hard at work
on computers — battling AI bots
along the way — for the privilege
to mine through databases in hopes
of gaining a comprehensive under-
standing of what all went on.
Raiders of the lost archives.

11. – 9 –
Wild animals will never know the
pain that humans and domestic
animals experience daily of
having to “hold it”
...
........
.....
..!
for extended amounts of time.

12. – 10 –
Think your hangovers are bad?
Tell that to the impoverished
immigrants of history whose finest
liquor at the time was leagues below
today’s cheapest shit, who drank
themselves to sleep because they
were so hungry, and then had to get
up at 4 a.m. in the bitter cold to go
work at an ear-piercing factory or
railroad track just to earn enough for
a loaf of bread that night.
Yeah, you nurse that ibuprofen and
Pedialyte®.

13. – 11 –
I know it’s Carl Sagan’s prover-
bial bottle into the cosmic ocean, but
it really is a stretch to think that alien
life would be on an even remotely
similar brainwave as us to be able to
understand the contents printed and
recorded onto the Voyager golden
records.
If that 70s satellite landed in my
own earthling backyard I wouldn’t
understand how to interpret its illus-
trated binary code displaying proper
record rotation speed...much less
have a record player to spin it.
And let’s assume aliens do hap-
pen upon it, fully understand our
esoteric, self-aggrandizing messages,
and then are like...“Cool story bros.
Wonder how all that panned out for
you.”

14. – 12 –
“Are you two related?”
Amicable / Amiable
Discomfit / Discomfort
Education / Edification
Surfeit / Surplus
Retracted / Redacted
Blaring / Glaring
Bolster / Booster
Unfazed / Unphased
“You two look nothing alike.”
Licorice / Rice
Arkansas / Kansas

15. – 13 –
I love looking at stock photos with
squeaky clean, perfectly diverse
corporate people pointing at charts
and collaborating with seeming
purpose.
They seem so pure in that captured
moment of flavorless brilliance —
white teeth, fashionable eyeglass
frames, perfectly ironed dress shirts.
I like to imagine what the personal
lives of each of those skin-bots must
be like. Their sex lives, specifically.
How many blow jobs has she given
in her life? I bet he likes to eat the
booty. And so on...

16. – 14 –
Social (fuckme)dia:
Let’s connect on KinkedIn!
Poke me on Fuckbook!
Follow me on Twatter!
Friend me on Slutchat!
Add me on Pimpstagram!

17. – 15 –
A new kind of onomatopoeia:
Getting right up in someone’s face
first thing in the morning with the
breathy stench of coffee consumed
on an empty stomach and saying the
word ‘halitosis.’
“Halitohhhhhhhhsissss”

18. – 16 –
Dear time,
Do not worry about running out on
me. I forgive you for your Cassanovi-
an, vagabond ways. We all have our
flaws.
Sincerely,
Fuck I’m Old

19. – 17 –
“Theoretically speaking, at this
juncture in our relationship, how
would you respond if I asked you to
marry me?”
“I’d say yes. I think we’re there.
You’re the love of my life, John.
Why, what would you say?”
“If you asked me? Haha, role
change! But in all seriousness, I’d say
yes. For sure. I think we’re there too.”
“I’m so in love with you, John.”
“I’m so in love with you, Ash. Will
you marry me?”
“...no.”

20. – 18 –
Topics where there’s a complete
disconnect in level of interest
between the speaker and the listener
who has already made it quite clear
they’re unfamiliar with the given
topic:
-Movies/Shows
-Sports
-Memes
-Dreams
-Previous conversations
-“That Southpark episode”

21. – 19 –
When we start speaking at the same
time...
“So I—” “Where—”
“Oh, sorry, go ahead. You were
saying?”
“No*, I was just going to say...”
*Why do we always start with ‘no’
there before diving in to what we
were going to say before getting cut
off?

22. – 20 –
She had no creative juices left —
squeezed out like the twice-steeped,
decaffeinated tea bag in her cold,
abandoned mug.

23. – 21 –
A conversation I’m not excited to
have with my post-apocalyptic,
lifetime-of-perpetual-severe-
drought-reared grandchildren:
Parched children: “So you used to stand
in a shower and let fresh, drinkable
water just run over you...without
drinking it?”
Crusty old me: “Yes, everyone did. For
20 minutes every day. But what’s
more...we would also piss and shit
into gallons of fresh water and
just flush it away without a second
thought.”
Parched children: “But...”
Crusty old me: “Yeah. I know.”

24. – 22 –
Bob refuses to retire.

25. – 23 –
That brief moment where your
car’s turn signal ticks sync perfectly
to the song on the radio. For that
short time, everything seems to make
sense. Everything feels right.
Then it slowly slips out of beat and
you go back to realizing just how
shitty it all is.

26. – 24 –
Apples with peanut butter...
delicious.
The smoothness with the crunch.
The flavor combination.
A snack legacy.
An absolute staple.
So why then doesn’t dipping peanuts
in applesauce sound even remotely
appealing?

27. – 25 –
Non Sequitur Similes (Part 3):
-As hit or miss as stabbing a crouton
with a fork
-As tacky as slapping that free
Apple® sticker on the back of your
Tesla®
-As untimely as putting on Eminem
at a dinner party
-As silly as Richard Nixon throwing
up the deuces
-Like a Food Network adventure
cuisine host with dietary restrictions
-As unlikely as a 501(c)(3) casino

28. – 26 –
Let’s celebrate the Fourth of July
by traumatizing the shit out of our
veterans (and their service dogs)
with fireworks!

29. – 27 –
So then should a woman, as a guest
in a male’s home, leave the toilet seat
up as a courtesy?

30. – 28 –
When you learn that CPR, when
administered correctly, is incredibly
violent and inevitably breaks the
recipient’s ribs, you come to realize
that Squint’s “calculated” idea in
The Sandlot to fake drown for the
chance at a forced kiss with Wendy
Peffercorn was actually quite reckless.
And also that Wendy was actually a
horribly underqualified lifeguard
with no proper CPR training.
But hey, it was the 60s.

31. – 29 –
Animal cruelty is unanimously
opposed until there’s a mouse in the
house or bacon on the table.

32. – 30 –
Well read?
No?
Well, read.

33. – 31 –
Somewhere in the world right now,
an emotion-filled man is dropping to
one knee to ask the love of his life for
her hand in marriage.
Elsewhere, another man scrapes
semen samples from a murdered
rape victim’s vagina.
Just another day here on planet
earth.

34. – 32 –
Westminster D̶̶̶o̶̶g̶ Human Show
commentary:
“Yes, no doubt about his
agile performance earlier...
but those incisors are quite crooked.
Likely a bit of inbreeding
going on there.”
“Mmm, certainly not a purebred.
Perhaps a bit of mix introduced
somewhere along the lineage.
Real shame.”
“Just look at that athletic build.
Absolutely breathtaking specimen
there.”

35. – 33 –
How much more ripped would
Arnold have been had he listened to
dubstep while working out?

36. – 34 –
Non Sequitur Similes (Part 4):
-As oxymoronic as a MAGA sticker
on a Prius®
-Like a fine China set tea party with
a tremoring Parkinson’s patient
-A plot like a penis: it twists, it turns,
but mostly, it thickens
-About as necessary as yet another
inspirationally quirky book about
hiking the Pacific Crest Trail or some
shit like that
-As titillating as a dry highlighter
scraping across a law book’s tax code
addendum

37. – 35 –
Mike’s grand exit from ever being
invited to social gatherings again:
“Thanks for hosting. Great party!”
“Yeah sure thing, Mike. So what do
you do?”
“I work for a consultancy firm. We
specialize in mergers & acquisitions.”
“Cool cool. How do you like it?”
“It’s an acquired taste.”
“ — ”
“Yeah, you could say I’ve merged
with the industry’s dry humor.”

38. – 36 –
At any given moment in a day, half
the world is dreaming, half is awake.
Sometimes it’s difficult to tell which
realm you’re in.

39. – 37 –
You know
Steve Harvey’s gone
on the air with pussy
crust all up on that
m e
u h
s c
t a

40. – 38 –
Is narcissism
a form of homosexuality?
Is bisexuality really fomosexuality?
Are sapiosexuals turned on or off
when their ethics are challenged on
an intellectual level?

41. – 39 –
Mathematics has the potential to
define the impossible.
That is its beauty.

42. – 40 –
A short story about a 50-some-
thing divorcee named Jen who has
a post-menopausal resurgence in
her sexual appetite and decides to
hop on Tinder® to quench this new
thirst. She eventually links up with a
mid-60s kinkster of a man (“call me
Dean”) who introduces her to BDSM
play, which she comes to love.
During one particular escapade
of playful rear-end flagellation, how-
ever, Dean suffers from a heart attack
that, after an hour of heavy breath-
ing and cries for help, eventually kills
him. Jen, who had been consentually
bound, gagged, and blindfolded for
the flogging and subsequent emer-
gency, could offer only muffled cries
during his prolonged struggle. Her
attempts to break just one limb (cont.)

43. – 41 –
free from the resistance of his ex-
pertly knotted ropes were futile —
leaving her with no advantage, only
burns that now stung with just the
slightest adjustment of her prostrate
body on his bed.
In the deafening silence of his
passing, she cries for Dean. What a
horrible thing to have happen. But in
the midst of her anguish, the
realization of her situation comes
upon her as quickly and intensely as
the pain brought on by the nipple
clamps Dean had applied before
tying her up.
Her embarassment of how
humiliating a state of discovery this
would be gave way to a much more
pressing question — would she be
discovered alive at all?

44. – 42 –
“Was I, uhh...
talking in my sleep last night?”

45. – 43 –
As kids we had to tiptoe around a
word like ‘Hell,’ spelling it out like
“H-E-double hockey sticks.”
Oh how far we’ve come since then.

46. – 44 –
Tim caught himself in the mirror.
Who was that pathetic character?
Like his hair, so too had his dreams
subtly slid down the drain sometime
in his early 30s. Maybe he should just
use the rest of the Drano® to clear
their backlogged effect, too.
Might as well. These days he drank
alone and watched nun porn in his
free time.
So yeah, things were going well.

47. – 45 –
Breakup sex so amazing
the couple got back together.

48. – 46 –
Off-hand questions a reckless,
power-hungy Google® hiring
manager could ask:
-“So how did you hear about us?”
- “What’s the weirdest thing you’ve
ever Googled?”
-“Prove you’re not a robot.”
-“I see here back in 2015 you
searched for...well, perhaps you could
tell me about your personal interests
at the time and we’ll go from there.”
-“Describe a circumstance where
you’d use Bing®. Seriously, like any
situation ever.”

49. – 47 –
~~ Ancient wisdom ~~
One cannot put used
chewing gum on the bottom of an
airline tray table and expect
to get away with it.
~~ ~~

50. – 48 –
And it suddenly hit him in the
middle of the second period of the
most important game of his sports
career:
What did they do with my severed
foreskin when I was a baby?

51. – 49 –
Non Sequitur Similes (Part 5):
-Like a major league baseball player
being deathly allergic to peanuts
-As anticlimactic as the shutter click
of a disposable camera
-As unnecessary as opening the
weather app in Santa Barbara
-As bold as using a public park water
fountain as a bidet
-As dry and ironic as going over
dental benefits at a new dental
hygienist job
-As putrid as Jesus’ sandals

52. – 50 –
And to think that by responsibly
cutting up the plastic rings from my
6 pack of beer so that it doesn’t
later entrap a helpless sea turtle, I am
effectively admitting to the fact that
the contents of my Denver-based
trash can will someday end up
in the ocean.
888
Fuck.

53. – 51 –
Ping pong balls.
Another rare time you’re happy it’s
“Made in China”

54. – 52 –
When you finally pull into your
driveway after a long, hard day, if
you don’t get out of your car in the
first 10 seconds, you’ll be there for
the next 20 minutes.
Just staring through the windshield.

55. – 53 –
Nervous farmer:
“Welcome to our farm, where we’re
proud of our free reign chickens...”
Bemused visitor:
“Oh, you must mean free ran...
OH MY GODDD!”

56. – 54 –
“I’m infertile. It’s genetic.”

57. – 55 –
When I’m in the airport of a foreign
city about to fly home, the people at
my gate all seem to have the
characteristics of the people I’ve
encountered in that respective depar-
ture city — for better or, usually, for
worse.
We then all board the plane together,
and it isn’t until we land at my home
airport that I look around the plane
and realize these were actually my
people all along.

58. – 56 –
“Luke...
I had a polyamorous relationship
with your now exclusively lesbian
surrogate mother.”
...
“Nooooooo!”

59. – 57 –
Sherlock Holmes’ cocaine dealer

60. – 58 –
It doesn’t take much to be grateful...
just take a look at your spice rack.
Realize how powerful that
collection of spices is.
Think about the far-flung corners of
the world from which each spice has
been sourced and transported —
ultimately arriving from its long
journey to the shelf in your cabinet.
Each having cost you a nominal
amount of time, effort, and money to
acquire.
What would kings have done (and
indeed have done) for this collection
you quickly gloss over in your quest
for some stale Cheez-Its®?

61. – 59 –
Undesireable responses to throwing
out the bomb-dropping “I love you”:
-“Oh my god I like you too!”
-“You’re so sweet.”
-“I think this is where I turn it in...”
-“So...”
-“Thank you!”
-“Let me just start by saying, ‘Yes, I
love you too,’ and I just want to make
a couple things clear...”
-“But you haven’t smelled my farts
yet.”

62. – 60 –
Thoughftul parting note to leave
on your cubicle mate’s monitor just
before you walk out of that
godforsaken office on your last day:
“Thanks for holding in all your farts
for me. I know it wasn’t always easy.”

63. – 61 –
Non Sequitur similes (Part 6):
-As pointless as including a user
manual with a pillow
-As well received as playing a 9/11
conspiracy documentary at a FDNY
function
-As rare as a vegan NFL linebacker
-As mind-numbing as being a taxi
driver in Las Vegas
-As post-ironic as a Bernie Sanders
sticker
-As out of place as hearing a baby
cry in the middle of a B2B sales
presentation

64. – 62 –
The moment after
you finally come...
and realize what you’ve been doing
for the past 30 minutes.

65. – 63 –
7+ billion people on this earth.
Someone has to have come up with a
decent guess as to what life
is all about.
It’s math, really.

66. – 64 –
White people love:
-Trying to pair beloved, yet very
disparate things together
-Shamelessly claiming the best rooms
in the Airbnb® before others arrive
-Passing you in their Subarus® with
a palpable display of attitude so
that there can be no doubt of you
knowing just how slow you’re driving
in the lefthand lane
-Asking the police officer “What’s
going on over there?”
-A “nice glass of red and a good
read” on Thursday nights
-Shitting on how abysmal Frontier
Airlines’® service is

67. – 65 –
Unsubscribe unsuccessful.
Sorry about that.
(Here’s a coupon voucher for a CAN
of SPAM on us.)

68. – 66 –
Dinosaur purgatory in a sentence:
Their once resource-rich, lush world
abruptly blackened and continuously
buried for millions of years by
accumulating debris, only to be
resurfaced by penetrating rigs that
slurp up the mucilaginous dregs of
their world’s remains — siphoning its
carbon and their unsettled Mesozoic
souls alike through a labyrinth of
refinery pipes and into the rusting
tank of a God-loving, middle-aged,
NASCAR tailgate-bound man’s
RAM V8 who denies their very
existence as he blissfully spews a
black diesel exhaust cloud of their
crying spirits into the very
atmosphere that blackened on that
fateful prehistoric day.

69. – 67 –
The incessant need to repeat that fart
sound your chair just made to make
it absolutely clear to the person
within earshot that it was most
certainly not you.

70. – 68 –
Philosophy is all about spinning
around so quickly that you’re puking
with dizziness and then dying — only
to realize that you never truly lived.

71. – 69 –