Irreverent look at the ethos and life of India's bureaucrats

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An Irreverent Diagnosing of India’s Purgocracy in 2025 AD1
Presided over by Lord Charonstyx III, the fabled hamlet of Paradasia was a thriving
cosmopolitan hamlet two centuries ago. Its decline began with Charonstyx V and VI from
1997-2022 AD. While the former rechristened his kingdom Purgatoria, the latter decreed that
inbreeding only among its people would henceforth be allowed to preserve the purity of the
race. Ear and mouth plugs replaced rings and bracelets. Then the decline began – now they
are no more. Why did this happen? I decided to delve into the depths of time and the Net for
an answer. Here are my findings.
www.thefreedictionary.com provides an interesting two-fold definition of the term
‘inbreeding’:
1. The breeding of related individuals within an isolated or a closed group of organisms or
people.
2. The continued breeding of closely related individuals so as to preserve desirable traits in a
stock.
Wikipedia supplements by defining a condition of inbreeding depression being “the reduced
fitness in a given population as a result of breeding of related individuals. It is often the result
of a population bottleneck. In general, the higher the genetic variation within a breeding
population, the less likely it is to suffer from inbreeding depression.” I have read of tigers
dying out owing to excessive inbreeding and bigger issues relating to the biosphere. But did
Paradasians decline to Purgatarians (I shall call them the Purgs, as in mundane human
physiological systemic purges) from this condition? Having assiduously trawled the Net
methinks the answer lies positively in the affirmative. Here‟s how.
Purgs were products of a cattle-fertilization system that did not distinguish between botanists,
linguists, vocalists, historians, men of law, engineers, doctors, etc. so long as they delivered
milk and birthed more cows. The great marvel of a Purg‟s breaking-in was the process of
unlearning. Multi-skilling was the name of the game – Jack of all trades, master of none, goes
the saying. God save a Purg if your engineering or medical degree showed up in your
career………God’s too small to pray for mercy from then!
Unlearning ran in tandem with a process called re-learning. Such re-learning included, but
was not limited to, new Android terms and variations thereof, the world revolving around
negative prefixes, basic grammar, body language including the archetypal stoop, and above
all a set of robotically human crutches affectionately referred to as Adjustable Object
supported by Against All Odds who became the Purgs’ alter egos as Purgs swore and lived by
them, even controlled the Purgs’ involuntary flexing of facial and other muscles and organs
like the tongue, lungs, liver and intestines.
1 This feature was authored in 2025 AD

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Domestication of a baby Purg began in the remote hills, for penitence for past sins (and
rebirth as a Purg) must be washed closest to their Makers. Greenhorn Purgs were initiated
into their lifetime of serfdom under the stentorian glare of a Vetus Fogey ably assisted by
assistants, Adjustable Object and Against All Odds. The Adjustable Object and Against All
Odds erupted from a mega virus-hit computer program that controlled Purgatoria and its
Purgs, reminiscent of contemporary Hollywood‟s Terminator. Unfortunately, Purgs were not
built like ole’ Arnie to take these men/women on!
Vetus Fogey and his able assistants preached pious homilies by rote even as the world around
the Purgs rapidly changed. The baby Purgs had their spinae funibus reshaped, with the
crowning glory reserved for cerebrum immutatio manu and Purgidex courses in Purgese, the
national language. For instance a typical homily ran thus, “Thou shalt, repeat SHALT, smear
others with the products of your own physiological purges.” In other words, Purgataria must
prevail over Paradasia, even if others believed otherwise. Some classic breaking-in examples
included, but were not limited to, non-taxable spirits and smokes, Purgedes cars even outside
Purgataria, calorie-rich alimentation and beverages, a token of appreciation or two,
complimentary stay in Purgotels, etc, all by courtesy of non-Purgatarians. The Purgalian
Monks in the Hills thus ensured that the process of unlearning struck deep roots, even in the
rootless Purgian system whose joie de vivre was counting golden balls on the right side of the
decimal point ad infinitum…….the more the merrier!
The instruments for student compliance range from ducking stools to thumbscrews, oral
flagellation, et al followed by branding and pillory, recalcitrance being awarded the guillotine
from the community. Come graduation day, or a fortuitous escape, the Vetus Fogey awarded
the Purg Graduatio Gratus to the bewildered young Purg, over clothed in a graduation cap
and gown, with the feel-good bonus of a red ribbon and medal in recognition of his having
imbibed the ‘finest traditions’ of Purgs. He was told to lead the phalanx into the field of battle
with his instruments of professional coquetry and able deputies, Adjustable Object and
Against All Odds. Any attempt to go against their will would invite the wrath of the
Tyrannosaurus upon a junior Purg, already overwhelmed by the Tyrannosaurus’s sudden
deafness and paralyzed hands. Even computer programs like BoxOffice were rewritten to
accommodate their Purgese. Thus was a botanist or historian broken in to be a Purg, the reins
remaining firmly in the hands of the crutches till passing into eternity or severance did the
three apart.
However, these did not necessarily imply that induction surgery was a one-time effort for
Purgs. Indeed, it was a lifelong one, complete with steel plates under the cheeks and on the
rump, mini-ear plugs to reduce incoming ambient noise and its attendant undesirable effects
on the cerebrum. Hide thickener administered in innumerable gratis cups of Purgatorial hot
beverages and succulent culinary delights straight from the Purganalia gruau cuisines made
for radiant and glowing armor, never mind the squalor and filth around. The Purgs even had
PurgMobiles, PurgAutos, PurgBooks and Purg V-Nets assigned to them that serve a triple
purpose. For one, it helped Tyrannosaurus Purgs to keep an eye on errant young Purgs. For
the other, it made sure that the young Purgs helped the Adjustable Object and Against All
Odds at work and not bother the Tyrannosaurus Purgs about such mundane events. Moreover,

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these served the limited purpose of preserving the Purg’s leg muscles to deliver the kick
when shove comes to landing a strategically aimed kick on the right quarters in Purgatorian
politics. For a bonus, V-Net even allowed unfettered exchange of gossip and peccadilloes of
fellow Purgs! Gender imbalance against the feline of the species in the Purg community was
governed by the socialistic Purgian theorem of induced mutation and natural balance. After
the first decade or so in the community the average Purg naturally mutated into the opposite
gender, mostly metaphorically, and hey presto! The balance was restored! After all, balance
is what Purgs variously define it as.
So far I have limitedly dwelt above about the Purgs‟ source of reservoirs of energy. Now I
shall address their negative energy. However, I may caution that Body Mass Index (BMI)
was in direct proportion to the ‘weight’ of the professional portfolio of a Purg. The average
Purg’s BMI was generally below 18, with years of gorging on treats ranging from rolled
breads on bus/rail station platforms with generous dollops of Martian gooey, topped with a
drink of tamarind water. However, decreed super Purgs made do with BMI of 30 or more,
what with one man-one standard applied to them by decree.
In haste to make hay while Puragtoria were still there, super Purgs ‘managed’ ‘weightier’ job
portfolios, in Purgatoria and foreign shores by decree, while the ratty ones eternally remained
in hope of redemption at a futuristically future date. Failing kidneys and hearts of spouses,
other ‘medical conditions’ for Toms including, but not limited to, kidneys and hearts, feline
family feelings (the Toms are not supposed to have them) – indeed some were more equal
than most others when it came to choosing between home town or a hill station in Purgatoria
for professional relaxation or enrichment!
Super Purgs indulged themselves at hosts‟ expense with exotica ranging from fish meuniere,
chipotle roast meat, stuffed breast of turkey and a succulent Drambuie pudding washed down
with a Chardonnay or a Merlot and a couple of shots of Cointreau, maybe a Cohiba too for a
digestive. A potentially disruptive pessimistic digestion was addressed by a healthy shot of
Purgatidine, provided by the Purgatorio Health Plan addressed such minor irritations – well in
time for ham, bacon, frankfurters, pancakes, etc. for breakfast and an equally nourishing mid-
morning and afternoon tea and ’snakes’, all at the host’s expense. After all, the host yet
vainly believed that these were a good investment in their future without realizing that
incremental gastronomic input was in direct proportion to the rising level of gastronomica
exotica, all for a sea of Purgian mediocrus emeritus.
Air-conditioned hotel rooms, self-preservation by alimentation allowance, lifting spirits,
calorific accompanying ‘snakes’, desert safaris, dune bashing, a night out in the desert,
invigorating ethnic massages, mid-year breaks in cottages in the hills, golf and tennis
tourneys, an overseas assignment, et al, made a Purg healthily and monetarily bountiful.
Physical activity confined to four steps a day to and from the PurgAuto, burden of a notebook
and bag to and from the car, gratis high-calorie meals/ ‘snakes’ duly supervised by a
dietician, a sofa on wheels in office and the air conditioning duct aimed strategically at the
Purg’s head – to induce deep slumber – compensated for the elegance of a spa at work. To
compensate for any feeling of guilt there was a gym too. Whoever said the Purgs were not the
triumvirs of modern Purgatoria?

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Notwithstanding their generally traditional stoop occasioned by large frontal protrusions
extending from below the chest and up to the groin, Purgs traditionally avoided direct look-
backs at a fellow Purg or non-Purg business associate/client, preferring conspiratorial, even
furtive, tangential glances. Their surgically-induced dour and humorless visages were
extended by furrowed eyebrows, inability to greet a fellow Purg in equally vertical posture,
and frozen funny muscles – a tribute to the stillness of time for them. Their bulbous noses
were their universe with their visual add-ons ensuring visibility up to their noses alone as
they selectively ferreted ‘data’ from mouse-holes in their clients’ armor. Needless to add,
Purgs were always ostrichically right, with hindsight adding punch to their Styxar-winning
performances that Charon invariably awarded at the Satania Theatre in Las Hellas. Never
mind what the Hadic Times or the Infernal Express said in their critical editorials and features
for these were but minor itches on the back.
PurgBook and Purgitter lists of friends too were almost entirely from within their fraternity
for it was blasphemous to share secrets beyond the Great Purg Pyramid. Tweets too were
extraordinarily analytical, for instance, blaming the Wild West wind for a missed catch at a
cricket match at the Gabba or assiduously pouring over online disclosures of personal real
estate by fellow Purgs. Inbreeding by royal decree ensured that Purgs’ families were not left
out of such debates and they were duly complemented for their absence of a body organ,
tinny voice, high-paying jobs, less than average academic performance, et al. Purgs debated
these and many other professional issues extensively, even for decades, so that the purr-fect
decision emerged - never mind an occasional organizational physiological aberration or
unanticipated historical irrelevance. In fact, Purg beneficence also had the unintended effect
of work responsibilities and allied facilities being liberally outsourced to spouses and kids for
a first-hand feel of why and how charity should naturally begin at home, at Purgatarian
expense while the honcho Purg made an occasional appearance at work!
Verbal flatulence and diarrhea therefore were second nature to Purgs – indeed their sole twin
instruments of professional coquetry. Therefore they remained rock-solid in their loyalty to
their profession and violently resisted suggestions of Purgs being ‘nitpickers’. The Queen of
Hearts’ “Off with his head!” Decree too found macabre reflection in her stellar achievement
in a garland of human skulls around a feline Purg’s neck, reminiscent of a revered deity in a
similar position. And why not? After all, it was decreed that the feline of the species always
had unlimited libertatem eligere, even if the Toms and their families didn’t. This was
reminiscent of TS Eliot‟s Prufrock, a balding, weak, neurotic, effete intellectual, who is both
baffled and intimidated by women - a deformed product of sterile Purgian times. After all,
what good were standards if there weren’t one for each Purg to preserve the Purgian balance?
The average Purg also delighted in Ma-Mu games, entirely as mainline oversight activity
over their peers. Not only was Tyrannosaurus always right, but the Tyrannosaurus‟s spouse
was the rightest, the Tyrannosaurus had Confucian wisdom, a Marilynian pout, Kodak
memory, Bocelli vocal chords, a Brandoesque grey patch or two on his bell scalp, maybe a
sexy mole on the right cheekbone coupled with a Cary Grant lower jaw dimple, a Mohammad
Ali physique matched by the height of a Buckingham Palace guard, Gibbonian English,
vision and oratorical skills, et al. Of course, these attributes were enshrined in widely-

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publicized local laws and applied, well in advance, by slick junior Purgs to Tyrannosaurus or
to be Tyrannosaurus that were heartily reciprocated too, to the consternation of the less
slicker Purgs. Shall we call this mutually-enriching anticipatory generational constituency-
building? Needless to add, these attributes miraculously vanished the day Tyrannosaurus was
no more the Boss.
Instead professional betting started with clockwork precision on the identity of the successor
Tyrannosaurus while the choicest invective doubled for the inscription on the outgoing
Tyrannosaurus‟s tombstone. Similarly, decades-old Purg friendships vanished into thin air as
soon as a Purg moved up the career ladder, save those junior Purgs who had already made
their advance inroads to the Tyrannosaurus‟s mind, even if such move were occasioned
entirely by the efflux of time in an unquestioning system and not by honors in the battlefield.
Loyalty was frowned upon and friends were punished with impunity, never mind the
inflicting Purg‟s past track record itself was not irreproachable. Needless to add, for the Purg,
self always remained above institution. Thus the Purg was born and bred to be a weathercock.
Some inborn genes were evidently not affected in genetic mutation by efflux of time and
fiends in need remained fiends in deed too!
And of course, the little unmentionable about a fellow Purg to Tyrannosaurus so the guy or
gal was caught at covers while attempting a cross-cut! The Purg was also possessed of Red
Indian auditory senses. Plugging an ear to the ground, the Purg was able to divine hoof beats,
as an honest fellow Purg was reduced to cream of asparagus soup by Tyrannosaurus who
Purg-d the hapless Purg, leaving tell-tale footprints in the sand at the site of action. And yes,
‘mistake(s)’ allegedly committed by a hapless Purg in 1904 were publicly proclaimed, duly
registered in the online Purg Crime Records Bureau and produced in full public glare for
‘action’ to the Boss in 1922, 1960, 1990 and in 2022, depending on the length of the
delinquent Purg’s nose and his professional longevity. Cow owners call this practice branding
(for life). Methinks it should be called a life sentenced to eternal serfdom in Valhalla. Sparks
of brilliance did not count for parole and reinstatement in the royalty of the community.
Rather they were signs of impending insanity, to be dealt with mercilessly. Multiple jeopardy,
yes….cognizable offence…no!....what’s defamation or libel, unless Purg Courts willed
otherwise?
Blessed with a long memory, arising from Purgian good health, a Tyrannosaurus Purg in his
twilight years remembered his fictional achievements on the battlefield as he essayed the role
of a neurosurgeon on his junior Purgs by performing cerebrum manu on his to-be-successors.
Otherwise, how would the species survive, if they were not replicated in time? Tyrannosaurus
mentored his/her baby Purgs with an occasional hit to the fence, accompanied by a forgiving
chuckle, if he/she were not overly colic-stricken, given the increasing imbalance of the
humors in Tyrannosaurus‟s system with the ravages of time.
Not exactly constructed to front a Roman phalanx, but possessed of genetically modified
whispering vocal chords, the genetically-challenged back-bencher Purg found comfort at
lunch or as he/she headed home in a bus/train while giving a public sneak veneer of
achievement to his baser instincts of reducing the reputation of a fellow Purg to finely-ground
mince, usually reserved for tender kabobs. This too added spice to modest self-financed

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lentils, vegetable and rolled bread at the family’s dinner ritual. For, without spice, this ritual
would be reduced to a mendicant’s penance, best had from a banana leaf off the dining floor.
After all, the in-house man of laws was there to take care of defamation suits that would
invariably come the King‟s way.
Evidence shows that the Purgs were great conversationists too. In the pink of health, they
discussed, in hushed tones (for all to hear) changes in means of livelihood of their
compatriots, how a fellow Purg audaciously hosted the Ma-of-all-parties on his/her 25th
wedding anniversary of first-born‟s birthday, diseases like PurgCer and Purgenal failure that
needed Purgalysis to the accompaniment of satisfied tch-tch-tch sounds with 3-D effect,
sympathy for those destined to St. Helena or the Hebrides to eke out their living, pooh-
poohing mundane achievements such as poetry or prose as being too long and complex and
beside the point for genetically modified minds possessed of PurgIQs below a score of 40, the
Puragtarian national average.
Purgs also derived orgasmic delight from seeing their seniority number in tact whenever the
new edition of the Purg Almanac was published. Fellow feeling was converted into numbers
of those going home (finally!) in a year and the cumulative result on the next move up the
career ladder. Similarly, PurgCall, the in-house telephone directory provided the brass tacks
of each office – fodder for animated discussion for a full week! Fellow feeling also found
reflection in friendly blind games of pin the tail on the donkey and stick the dart on the rump;
paste a deathly frame on the face, an angelic light on the Devil and vice versa, et al.
However, thoughtfully, the rules of these games permitted participation by involuntary proxy
for the receiver of the tail or the dart, frame or light.
Good health however, did not alas make for immortality! Not to be outdone, the Purgs
erected mausoleums on every site where their beloved leaders had worked and lived. In fact,
these were working mausoleums complete with spas and Jacuzzis, PurgBooks, video games,
some even heritage structures where the fiction of antiquity was preserved at least on the
façade. Like all societies however, the Purgs too had their own class system – with a
difference. Purgs made their own life trajectories and did not allow their not-too-distant past
and achievements and personal history to stand in the way of an imperial projection of their
imagined qualities to the Tyrannosaurus Purgs who, in turn, delighted in such voluntary and
voluble 70mm Panavision hijacking to bolster their own sagging fortunes and physical
debility. Thus was the stage set for the emergence of yet another triumvir and another First
Family! In time, they became crusaders of the faith battling evil forces (and each other too!),
Star Wars style, in unknown galaxies and metamorphosed into Purgish Incredible Hulks.
Their presentations won Purgscars, their command over Purgese, Booker prizes, complexions
straight out of an L’Oreal fashion studio and accolades for paradigm shifts were all theirs,
even if such shifts limitlessly reduced Puragtaria’s life-span. What was a better way for the
Tyrannosauruses than cover up for their failings than by surrogate governance by voluntary
proxy? Needless to add, the lesser Purgs remained professional thumb-suckers and look-
uppers while the First Families turned professional lifetime hijackers of Purgataria and were
worshipped in equal measure by rulers and the ruled.

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In conclusion of my web research, the tale of Purgataria indeed inspires confidence in
humankind to start life afresh as dinosaurs. For, if humans started as dinosaurs, they would
last another ten millennia before they mutated into Purgs and vanished into oblivion. For the
mother of all paradigm shifts and the end of human civilization was the human-induced
mutation from Paradasia to Purgataria! A mutation that even Shelley’s “wild spirit” of the
West Wind was unable to shake off. And how would it? For, these were evidently TS Eliot’s
hollow men – scarecrows stuffed with hay – in a barren land, and bereft of anything of
substance, even unfit for the descent to Hades.
The author is a senior public policy analyst and commentator