A satire written in 1974 by Lauren Lanphear as an assignment from Mrs. Heron for his 12th grade British Literature class.

1. The following story was written by Lauren Lanphear in 1974 as an assignment from
Mrs. Heron for his 8th
period British Literature Class. We were studying satire at the
time. I got a 60/60 on it – by far the best grade I ever got from Mrs. Heron on a
writing assignment. The events depicted in this story, although strangely familiar, are
fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, coaches, or teammates living or dead is
purely coincidental.
Edison High Basketball Preview
Last week our sports editor, Bert Granger, asked Coach Bob Thompson of Edison High
School to give a short review of each of his varsity basketball players, then to briefly tell
what his team must do in order to win. The following is Coach Thompson’s reply:
Let me start with our senior captain, Richard Powers, probably the best player on our
team this year. His only imperfection has been his inconsistency. But, when he is on he
rates right up there with the best our league has got.
Our other two tri-captains, Erving and Averitt, have the ability to be real fine
ballplayers, but unfortunately they don’t always agree with my ideas. There hasn’t been
much communication between them and myself since our first defeat last fall. They are
still upset I imagine because I blamed that loss on the fact that their socks did not have
our school’s colors on them. Just the other day I asked assistance coach, Bicep, “Who
are our captains?” because I had forgotten. I’ve always tried to be close to my
captains, accepting any suggestions or constructive criticism that they might give.
Little Bradley just isn’t the ballplayer his brother, Joe, was. That Joe, what a kid; my
idea of the perfect captain. We could sure use some of his leadership on the team this
year. Joe and I thought almost identically about basketball; we never had a
disagreement.
The hardest worker on our team is definitely Sammy Engle. Last year as a junior, he was
put down on junior varsity, and now he’s a varsity starter. Whenever I watch him at
practice he turns it on. No problem with communication between Sammy and myself
either; he not only eats lunch with me every day but calls me frequently at home to
discuss the team.
Frankie Babes, a junior transfer, may not be the tallest player in the league at 4’9”, but
when he runs, it sure appears as if he is moving fast. I just hope that the fact he is of
Oriental descent doesn’t cause his teammates to isolate him.
Bill Blacklin is our team’s best pure shooter. You could put Bill anywhere on the court
and he would put the basketball through the hoop. In fact, all Bill needs to do in order to
see more action in our games, is to cut down on the number of shots he takes.

2. The other two juniors, X and Y, don’t even belong on a basketball team. I can’t see how
they ever made the team. They should be grateful that I didn’t cut them during tryouts
last November.
The last two members of our team are sophomores, Tom Gold, who isn’t Jewish, and
Jimmy Sangford. I believe it’s good to have a couple tenth graders up on the varsity just
to give the older boys a little motivation. I know that if I were a senior, I wouldn’t let any
sophomore beat me out for a starting position.
Jimmy Sangford is a great hustler and has a terrific attitude. He’s not afraid to get hurt
either. It seems like he’s always on the floor, whether he’s diving for a ball or tripping
over his own feet.
Well, that’s this year’s edition of Edison High’s varsity basketball team. Now, as far as
what our team must do in order to win. First of all, everyone must realize that they are
equally important to the team, no matter if they are a starter or a bench-jockey.
Secondly, when on the court, your personal feelings about teammates must be left behind
and forgotten. And, lastly, there can be no cliques among juniors, seniors, or
sophomores. When all three are followed, a group of kids will play as a team and win a
lot of ball games.