a semi-biographical work and fictional work of a lad who is killed by his dreams and tormented by his wishes.

1. A THOUGHT OF A LAD.
BY Lindani MWANDLA
I
It was one of those cloudydays;whenthe weatherisall dark,sombre andno promise of the sunlight
for the day.All blackand windyatthe same time,notto mentioncoldbreeze wavingall overand
youcan feel yourskinshivering.He wassittingalone atthe penthouse,openwindows,the light
illuminatingthe house throughthe window,justlike anydayandeverydayof life since he came
back fromoverseas.Hisface sulking,reminiscingandponderingaboutlife ashe alwaysdoes.
He thoughtitwas worthit on thisspecificdaytoexcogitate andruminate abouthislife occurrences
and impedimentshe hasvanquishedoverhisshortperiodof hisexistence.He tookadeepbreath,
respiredandemanatedwithoutaruefulnessandthe emotionsof thoughtsflowedoverhimlike a
behemothof wavesof the İndianocean,duringastormyweather.He knew he hadno-one,nobody,
nobodyto take hisperturbationsaway;nobodytofeel hisinnercry,nobodytotouch hisinnersoul,
nobodyto feel hisheartalbeititwaspoundingsofastandstomping,hisheartbeatingasitwas
aboutto crack his chest.
The notionsandsentimentshe hadwere somethingthathe hasnevereversharedwithanyone.He
chose to die inside,take the bulletsandliveswiththem.He believedthat‘life'wasmade of
experiencesandchangesof ahumanbeing,whetherthrough stagesorevents.Since ‘change'canbe
goodand couldbe worse.He tookall the time to himself andfeltthe sensesof hisbodyrunningall
overhimlike the whimof a deepslumber;he wasindeepthoughts;he heardsome ululationof
voices,atfirsthe thoughthe washallucinatingorjustpassingexperience of adelirium.İtwasa
soundof jubilationandarag the same time.He feltlike the whole scenewasasatire of hislife.He
lookedupat the ceilingboardwithagreat despairquickly,tofigure out whatwashappening,again
he heard the voicesululatingjoyouslyonce again,itwasthe voiceswhichwantedtodistracthim
fromhis plansandthoughts;‘No!',he said,full of rage. He stoodup and pokedoutof the window;
there wasexhilarationoutside,peopledancingandsinging,itwasaceremony,hymenealsatthe
weddinghall,giganticsmileseverywhere,all the waytothe ears frompeople.
Joyon theirfaces,the were shiningeventhoughitwasa dark sombre dayfor him.İt wasa
celebration,yesit was!Butitwas notfor him!The chords of the pianokeptsingingandthe melody
and the pastor were givinghisnuptial sermontothe crowdthat wasbeguiledandcaptivatedbythe
pleasure of newlyweds.
1

2. Thiswas a day; a strange day indeed,astrange weather;strange everything.He wassodownand
willingtoexcogitateabouthislife.Past,presentandthe future.He wascontemplatingandnotsure
if it thiswasright or wrong.He wantedtolayit and crack it downto histhoughtsandsmell a dark
incense of hisdarktomorrowand inauspiciousfuture;whichglistentobe blurredinfrontof his
eyes.He got umbrageousandaggravatedtowardshimselfandhe feltasif he was incomprehensible
and confounded.Toutde suite.He retrievedhimself inablink of aneye.He wantednothingto
intimidate orrestrainhimandhisplan.He wantedto dothisonce andfor all.He thoughtthere was
no othertime todo it butnow.He took a breathagainand inhaledwithoutanexertionthistime asif
he had alreadyseen whathe wasgoing,to beginwith.
II
He rememberedthe daywhenhe wassittingunderthe tree duringavacationto hiscousinback in
the village,pastfive yearsago,afterhe graduatedfromhighschool.He thoughtaboutthe
conversation:
‘İ wantto go overseasone day,explore the world,be outof thiscountryand see all the great things
that my parentsneverhada chance to see.İ believe there issomuchoutthere than here inthis
village andcorruptedcountry.'
His cousin,whowassweatingprofusely,gave asmirkina sense of showingthathe heardwhathe
saidbut notin a mannerof tryingto replyfromwhathe has justsaid.
He continued.‘İhave dreams,bigdreamsformyself,youknow,andİbelieve!İcan onlyachieve
themelsewhere,nothere.Doyoubelievethe expressionthatsays"some people are bornwhere
theydon't belong?"he askedandgazedathis cousin'seyeswithoutablink.
İt was the as sunnyday,the brightday he couldeverhave seeninhislife.Hiscousinwasall drippy
and drizzlyonhisface withsweat.He had no tensionof replyingorspittingsome words.İtwaslike
the rain has sprinkledoverhim,he tookoff hist-shirttogetsome freshair to cool off hisbodyheat.
Aftersome time,throughall thisGordianknotbusiness. He wassuddenlyquiet,deadlikethe Dead
Sea,yesit waslike he hasfrom or not breathing.Thenhe suddenlyhe askedaquestion.‘Whyare
youso worrisome,tothinkaboutsucha thing?'
As if he neverthoughtthatthislad will nevereverthoughtof such a thought.Since he knew nothing
aboutoverseasbecause he wasa villager.A villagerwhogrew upfroma two-roomhouse,broken
Windowsandbrokendoors,poorthan a beggar,withnothing.Noinheritance orapiece of landfrom
hisrecentlydeceasedfatherwhowasdipsomaniac,philander,andawomanbeater.
2

3. He gazedat hiscousinfor some time andhe gave hima faintlook,whichdidn'tgive anymeaningor
sense of life init.He stoodup and wentawayand lefthislittle cousininastrange sense. Afterhis
cousindeparture,the ladsetthere andruminatedabouthisfuture.He saidto himself;‘İdare to
dream,whetherthere isawill ornot, İ will dreamandmydreamswill come tolife.One day!Just
one day!' itsurprisedhimthathe wassayingit aloudit thoughthe was still thinking.
At that presentmomentsomethingtouchedhisshoulder,‘Yeeey!'he screamedandjumpedhighlike
he has seena ghostand hisface was puffedandsolid.He saw nothingandcouldn'tunderstandwhat
was itand he left the tree immediately.
III
The lad wasa maven,irony,he hada gap year andall his friendswenttouniversitiesandhe wasstill
at home.He receivedacall,exhilaratingnews,atickettohisdreams,statingthathe gotthe bursary;
jaw-dropping,itwas takinghimoverseas!Abroad!He froze andhe wasspeechlesslike awoman
whoalwayswantedtohave a childandunable to.He gazedat the sky hopingthathe will see the
stars. İtwas afternoon,there were none.
Thiswas abroad hisimagination,he wasgoingtoa foreigncountry,foreignland,foreignpeople and
foreignlanguage.Thiswasall he everwantedbuthe wasnot sure anymore.He thoughtof calling
themand cancel everythingbutitwastoolate,so he had to go onand he neededanescape from
thisworld,he wassearchingfora betterworld.He wascalledforan interview whichgave hima
thoughtof distressbuthe rememberedthatthiswasa bridge tothe future.
Time flyas always.Monthsaftermonths,daysafterdays,patientlywaiting.The daycame and,he
was ready,he gazedinthe eyesof hismotherwhowas veryfondof him.His mothergave himfixed
eyesandsaid,‘Thisisit, son,don'twaffle,thisisthe dayyou've dreamtoff,ourcommune,the day
to take your dreamsbeyondyourdemarcations. Take myespousal andletitbe whatleadsthrough
all your pathsand make mama proud.'
Theyhuggedandkissed.The ladtookthe busand lookedbackat hismotherwhile the buswas
moving,the ladwasflabbergastedbecauseshe didn'tshare atear like ashe thoughtitwouldbe,she
neverexpressedanyintense emotionsneitherlugubriousnessonherface.Herfacial expressionwas
melancholyandgrave butat the same time full of joythat herson's dreamwas lastlycomingtolife.
The lad washer lastborn, the treasure chest,hergem.Sonto close to herheart,too fondof.He
alwaysmade herhappy,he was the goldenboyina community,full of respect,kind,jollyface,and
polite andfull of spirit.He washerpride afterall.He was a teenagerwithnosin, nodark shadows,
no skeletonsinhisclosetand-andaladwithno stainof dirt.Yes, he WAS!
3

4. IV
He flewtothe foreignlandthe followingday,he leftwithothersasa groupof thirty-two,wearing
tracksuitslike ateamof football players,wellyatheywere birdsof same feathers.Theyhadtopass
to a CİTY OF GOLD fora transitto reachthe promisedland.The dayafterthey've reachedByzantium.
Theysettled,the ladsettledtoo.The ladknew now,This!Thismeantthe beginningof aNew Life,a
newslate andof a beginningof everything.The pastwaswipedoutandfuture was ambivalentand
evenpresentwasdumbfounding.İnsomniastruckhimthatnight,slumberbecame hisenemy,he
keptponderingaboutthe worldhe hadleftbehind.He ponderedabout the memorieshe canno
longerbe able toreach again.
İt was like aprison,maybe onlyforthe boy,luxurybeyonddisbelief,itwasbeyondthe imagination
and beyondtowhathe couldhave thoughtoff.He swamin the dam of tears,day and night.İ mean
day inand day out.His worldwasshaking,tremblingandwantedtocollapse andthere wasno
shouldertoleanon.Tears flowedlikedamassive floodattack.He reminisced,he searchedfor
answers,he contemplatedandsuddenlyhismother'swordsranginhishead‘son,alwaysbe careful
of whatyoupray for! You maypray for a burdenunknowinglyandablessingknowingly.Be sure its
whatyou want.'He was notsure anymore if thiswas whathe alwayswanted,hispsychological state
was full of a newwave,newbreeze,albeititwasa new climate.He feltlost,vacuousandvacant
inside,rawoutside andfearlessandbold.
The beganto argue and endupfightinghisfellow colleagues,fellow mates,he washallucinatingand
saw everyone asanenemythatwantedtoambush and splificate him.He wason the brinkof a
maniac,mentallydisturbed.The factishe wasdoomed.He was lost;lostinmind,physically,he was
a lostspiritthat couldnot findrest.He feltlike Cain,he wasanoutcast inthe worldof hisdreams,he
was a shame.
Latelythat night.He calledhismother,he couldn'treachher.He calledagainandcouldn'treach her.
He leftamessage ‘mom,İhave tried,believedme İdid.Failure!Failure maybeisasolution
sometimes.'Hisvoice wasshakingandslowlyfaintingatthatmoment.Tearswere runninglike
riverbeds.He droppedandleft.Nobodyknowswhathappenedtohimeventodayandwhere he
wentto.
4