2. INT.OFFICE.DAY
LARRY, a neat, unremarkable young adult wearing a simple
black suit, enters a sparse conference room. GRANT and ALAN,
two fat, middle aged, white, suited men sit slouched at
their chairs glaring at him from the other side of the room.
LARRY
Hello, my name is Larry Cohen
Larry holds out his hand for GRANT to shake. GRANT and ALAN
glare at him in silence
LARRY
Nice day isn’t it?
GRANT and ALAN glare at him in silence
LARRY
I mean as a whole, this year has
had consistently good weather,
compared to last year at least
GRANT
(Impatiently) Just get on with it.
LARRY
Um right, yes hello. Thank you for
the opportunity and uhh, so...the
idea for my television crime drama
is as follows...
INT.BASEMENT (LOOKING FOR CLUES). NIGHT
DETECTIVE 1 and DETECTIVE 2 enter a room. They are both
teenagers and are wearing smart casual outfits. DETECTIVE 1
starts to sniff.
LARRY O/S
A sociopath and his friend solve
crimes that the police can’t manage
using their different approach.
DETECTIVE 1
*SNIFFS* Smells musty. Like this
room hasn’t been opened for years.
(He kneels down to inspect some
footprints on the floor) Yet these
footprints are still wet.
(CONTINUED)
3. CONTINUED: 2.
DETECTIVE 2
So someone’s been here recently?
DETECTIVE 1
Undoubtedly. (He walks over to a
candle on the table and presses his
finger into the wax) The wax is
still soft and approximately 29
degrees Celsius. This candle has
been lit in the last hour and forty
five minutes. (He walks across the
room to the light switch and turns
it on) Why would you light a candle
in here when there’s a perfectly
good light?
ALAN O/S
(Interrupting) But they’re just
kids?
INT.OFFICE.DAY
Larry looks toward the floor.
LARRY
Yes, that was the twist.
Grant turns to Alan
GRANT
Se we’re going for a young
demographic then.
ALAN
What do young people like?
GRANT
Drugs?
ALAN
Self Harm?
GRANT
No, Sex.
ALAN
Hell yes! Young people love that.
GRANT
We need a girl in this.
(CONTINUED)
4. CONTINUED: 3.
LARRY
A girl?
ALAN
Yer, a fit one!
GRANT
With big boobies.
LARRY
Um, ok so why doesn’t the detective
have a female boss. That could
work? It pushes boundaries, it
shows the whole concept of work but
from a whole new revolutionary
feminist angle.
GRANT and ALAN stare at LARRY dumfounded
ALAN
Yer, got to have really big
boobies.
GRANT
Got to be a right slag.
LARRY
We could make her the sidekick?
ALAN
Now we are talking!
GRANT
I wish she could assist me, the
tart
LARRY
Erm... why don’t we look at this
from a slightly less extreme angle
INT.BASEMENT. NIGHT
Detective 1 enters the room.
DETECTIVE 1
*SNIFFS* *SNIFFS AGAIN* *SNIFFS A
THIRD TIME*
Detective 2, now a sophisticatedly sensual woman wearing an
old fashioned chic dress, follows him into the room.
(CONTINUED)
5. CONTINUED: 4.
DETECTIVE 1
Must you wear so much perfume? It
masks the evidence.
DETECTIVE 2
What would you rather smell, a
musty room or me?
DETECTIVE 1 turns round and looks at DETECTIVE 2. His eyes
widen, they both stare into each others eyes.
DETECTIVE 1
(Now looking at his colleague’s
breasts) Visual evidence is far
more revealing anyway.
DETECTIVE 2
And what can you see?
DETECTIVE 1
Not quite enough.
DETECTIVE 2
Perhaps you need to take a closer
look...
They step towards each other. Larry interrupts.
LARRY O/S
(Flustered) In retrospect maybe
that is a bit too much?
INT.OFFICE.DAY
ALAN
Too much? That wasn’t nearly
enough. We need more!
GRANT
What’s his quirk? Gotta have a
quirk.
ALAN
Disability is hot right now.
GRANT
Make him lose an arm.
ALAN
And make him an alcoholic.
(CONTINUED)
6. CONTINUED: 5.
GRANT
(Sings) Product placement!
Get Stella on the phone.
LARRY
Guys! For this to work he really
needs two arms, dont you think?
Pause
Grant and Alan look at each other
LARRY
(Despondently) Or one arm. It works
just as well with one arm.
INT.BASEMENT (LOOKING FOR CLUES). NIGHT
Detective 1 looks worse for wear, he has lost an arm and is
wearing a shabby shirt, jeans and rain coat. He enters the
room with DETECTIVE 2 who is dressed the same.
DETECTIVE 1
*SNIFFS* Drink?
DETECTIVE 2
I thought you would never ask.
DETECTIVE 1
Shut up! *SNIFFS* beer? *SNIFFS*
lager? *SNIFFS* made from the
finest Belgian hops? *SNIFFS*
Stella Artois!
Detective 2 points. Cuts to a bottle of Stella Artois placed
attractivley next to a candle.
DETECTIVE 1
I thought so, reassuringly
expensive.
DETECTIVE 2
Shouldn’t we be focusing on the
murder?
DETECTIVE 1
(Shouts)
Shut up! Have you lost an arm? No?
I have! I have to live with this!
You take everything for granted,
don’t you? You try opening an
envelope with one hand! You try
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
7. CONTINUED: 6.
DETECTIVE 1 (cont’d)
opening a bottle! Yet you come here
complaining to me...
ALAN O/S
Hmmm, probably a bit heavy.
INT.OFFICE.DAY
GRANT
Let’s add a laughter track.
LARRY
Uhm, WHAT?-
ALAN
Universally, audiences love a
laughter track because it tells
them when to laugh.
GRANT
I tell you what else audiences love
- black people.
LARRY
Isn’t that all a bit insultingly
irrelevant? Shouldn’t we be
focusing on the message?
ALAN
Are you racist Larry?
LARRY
(Stuttering) Erm no, sorry, err not
at all...
GRANT
(Accusingly) Then why won’t you
allow black people in your film?
Haven’t they suffered enough?
LARRY
No, we can have people of all
ethnicities in it. That’s fine.
There can certainly be characters
of different colours, creeds and
cultures in it, I have no problem
with that...
ALAN
Great, lets have a lovable black
man in it.
(CONTINUED)
8. CONTINUED: 7.
GRANT
He can be called CJ.
ALAN
No, Deshawn.
GRANT
I know, he can be called Science.
He can supply all his hood with
drugs.
ALAN
Young people like drugs!
LARRY looks astounded but nods anyway
GRANT
(Making a rainbow with his hands)
Think of the diversity.
Larry nods uncertainly.
INT.BASEMENT (LOOKING FOR CLUES). NIGHT
Detective 1 enters the room.
DETECTIVE 1
*SNIFFS* Smells like the time for a
drink.(Canned laughter)
DETECTIVE 2 enters and the laughter track does a
’Ooooooooooo’
DETECTIVE 2
Shouldn’t we be focusing on the
case?
DETECTIVE 1
Shouldn’t you be focusing on the
cooking?(Canned laughter)
SCIENCE THE BLACK GUY enters and the laughter track is
filled with cheers and laughter. He is wearing a
ridiculously colourful shirt and a blue dungarees and a
baseball cap.
SCIENCE THE BLACK GUY
DAMN! THAT’S COLD!
DETECTIVE 2
Hi, Science where you been?
(CONTINUED)
9. CONTINUED: 8.
SCIENCE THE BLACK GUY
KFC!
Big laugh.
INT.OFFICE.DAY
Alan and Grant laugh
Larry is astounded and stunned at what he has just heard.
LARRY
But that’s not my idea...
ALAN
No, it’s better than your idea.
LARRY
But what’s the point of that? It’s
just cliched rubbish.
GRANT
Do you call diversity rubbish? Did
you learn nothing at film school?
LARRY
Yes but erm, ok why don’t we lose
the laughter track and the whole
one arm thing, and then in return
you can add a few more minor
changes?
ALAN
That can work. How much do you know
about Denmark?
LARRY
(Confused, wondering where this is
going) Errr, not much...
GRANT
Well that’s where it’s set now.
Danish crime dramas are really in
right now.
LARRY
(Repeating it in horror) Danish
crime dramas!
ALAN
Great. We knew you would love it!
10. 9.
INT.BASEMENT. DAY
DETECTIVE 1 and Detective 2 enter the room. DETECTIVE 1 is
now wearing a black turtle neck jumper and leather jacket
and DETECTIVE 2 is wearing a skiing jumper and skinny jeans.
They now speak in Danish, naturalistic style. It is
subtitled in English.
DETECTIVE 1
*SNIFFS* Det er tid til en drikke
(subtitle: It is time for a drink)
DETECTIVE 2
Du vil drikke dig selv ihjel
(subtitle: You will drink yourself
to death)
DETECTIVE 1
He.
(subtitle: Ha)
DETECTIVE 2
Se, at der? Det er blod.
(subtitle: See that there? It’s
blood. )
DETECTIVE 1
Ja. Det må være kommet fra ham. Vi
bør undersøge.
(subtitle: Yes. It must have come
from him. We should investigate.)
DETECTIVE 2
Ja.
(subtitle: Yes.)
LARRY O/S
No. No. No...
INT.OFFICE.DAY
LARRY
...I’m sorry it has to be in
English.
GRANT
(Accusingly) Why?
LARRY
(firmly) It has to be in English!
(CONTINUED)
11. CONTINUED: 10.
ALAN
Well you’re one step away from
losing this pitch.
LARRY
(Sarcastically) Well why not go the
whole hog and make the detective an
alien who has crash landed on earth
and is trying to get back home?
GRANT
You know Larry, once in a blue moon
a man comes in here with a million
dollar idea. You are one of those
men.
Larry looks perplexed
ALAN
Think of all the merchandise we can
make off the back of this!
GRANT
We are going to make so much money.
LARRY
(Disbelievingly) Wait, you actually
liked that?
INT.BASEMENT (LOOKING FOR CLUES). NIGHT
DETECTIVE 1 and DETECTIVE 2 enter the room. DETECTIVE 1 is
dressed increadibly flamboyant in a bright colourful shirt
and velvet jacket. DETECTIVE 2 is now a robot and is wearing
a complex shiny silver dress
DETECTIVE 1
*SNIFFS* Blimey, it smells like the
Planet Autox in here. Now where did
I put my flux capacitator, my
innocently eroticised android
assistant?
DETECTIVE 2
Where you left it.
DETECTIVE 1
Yes, of coußßrse. But where was
that?
(CONTINUED)
12. CONTINUED: 11.
DETECTIVE 2
(Desparingly) In the lock.
He turns round to see his flux capacitator is in the lock on
the door. He hurriedly pulls it out dramatically.
DETECTIVE 1
(Changing the subject) Did I ever
tell you about the time when...
DETECTIVE 2
(Abruptly) Yes.
DETECTIVE 1
Good Lord, are you still sulking
after that tiny tittle we had in
the Andromeda Galaxy?
INT.OFFICE.DAY
GRANT
Wait, there’s something not quite
right about this.
LARRY
I couldn’t agree more sir, I was
thinking that maybe we should
revert back...
ALAN
It needs a smart talking puppet cat
in it. Kids will love that.
LARRY
What? Nooooo...
INT.BASEMENT (LOOKING FOR CLUES). NIGHT
DETECTIVE 1 enters the room. A large box is now positioned
in the middle of the room with SMART TALKIN’ CAT (a cat
puppet) is being controlled behind it.
DETECTIVE 1
*SNIFFS* Blimey, where is the flux
capacitator?
SMART TALKIN’ CAT
Maybe if you wore your glasses then
you would know where they are, you
silly chicken!
Cat annoyingly laughs
(CONTINUED)
13. CONTINUED: 12.
Science The Black Guy enters the room to cheers from the
laughter track.
SCIENCE THE BLACK GUY
Did someone say chicken?
Big Laugh.
DETECTIVE 1
Have you seen my flux capacitator?
Cat annoyingly laughs
Science eats watermelon loudly
Last bit repeats over and over again, faster and faster.
INT.OFFICE.DAY
LARRY
(Shouts)
No! There is a good idea in there
and you know it’s there! Never mind
the laughter track, foreign
languages and the product placement
there is a good idea in there. An
idea that would sell, I came to you
guys because you had a history of
making groundbreaking television.
Trust me, stick to the idea and you
can do it again!
ALAN
Yes, you’re right. There is one
great idea in there we’ve been
ignoring.
GRANT
You’re right, it’s what we should
be pursuing. It’s something which
would put this company back on the
map.
Larry smiles
EXT. BRICK WALL. DAY
SMART TALKIN’ CAT has his own children’s show. He is being
controlled behind a brick wall by a cheerful looking park.
(CONTINUED)
14. CONTINUED: 13.
SMART TALKIN’CAT
So children, what have learnt from
our adventure today? Thats right,
the power of friendship. See you
next week *annoying laugh*
DIRECTOR O/S
Cut
LARRY stands up and is revealed to be the person controlling
the cat. He is now shown to be incredibly disheveled and
wearing a grubby coat. He rejectedly chucks the puppet on
the wall and sulks off.
