Written live on camera, April 21st 2020, at twitch.tv/bfirenzi. NSFW.

1. TAKE NOTE: THE FOLLOWING QUIBI IS 6 MINUTES LONG. THIS IS AN
APPROPRIATE LENGTH IF YOU HAVE AN UNFORTUNATE BOWEL MOVEMENT
THAT WILL TAKE YOU SOME TIME ON THE TOILET.
INT. JIMMY STEWART’S ABODE - DUSK
Close-up: A CRYSTAL WHISKEY GLASS.
Two ice cubes PLONK into it, frostily. Then comes the sweet
amber drench of the fine scotch.
This glass is then THROWN VIOLENTLY against the wall,
shattering. Whiskey and ice and glass go flying.
The hand that poured and threw this delicious chalice then
wraps its fingers around the entire bottle of scotch. It’s
brought up to a pair of lips that belong to:
SCREEN LEGEND JIMMY STEWART (Timeless, 60s).
Jimmy has seen better days. He pounds the bottle back and
then fiddles around on his ACCORDION. The toots and choots of
the ‘cord imply that he does have the muscle memory to finger
it well, to play a mighty fine tune, but through the fog of
his alcohol-induced stupor it’s impossible.
Just choots.
He THROWS THE ACCORDION AGAINST THE WALL and it SHATTERS INTO
A THOUSAND PIECES. His strength comes, you see, from his days
as a brigadier general. Actually his muscles are fucking off
the charts.
JIMMY STEWART
Damn this insufferable squeezebag!
Damn them all!
He COLLAPSES into a couch full of Latin Grammys. They CLANK
and CLATTER around. He has won so many.
JIMMY STEWART (CONT'D)
I used to rule this peckerwood
town. I used to be somebody!
The phone rings. It’s his SISTER, and we can tell when he
answers, fumbling the receiver up to his ear, because...
SISTER
(on phone)
I AM YOUR SISTER JIMMY STEWART.
JIMMY STEWART
Cool. Shut up.

2. 2.
SISTER
(on phone)
No, instead I care about you and
wish for these overused jokes to
end.
JIMMY STEWART
I’LL END YOU--
Jimmy hurls the phone into the wall, BUT:
Before it too can shatter thanks to his thundergod strength,
it is CAUGHT BY A GHOOOOOOST!
THREE GHOSTS ACTUALLY.
Jimmy Stewart leaps behind his couch in terror, as the three
ghosts all hold the phone with one hand each. It was
unnecessary for them to each pitch in with the whole catching
thing but they did it anyway bc ghosts are a team.
JIMMY STEWART (CONT'D)
Wh-who-who are you? What are you?
The first ghost (ERNEST BORGNINE) eats the phone whole. We
hear the sister SCREAM on the other end of the line as he
swallows her into silence. Uh holy shit did he eat her
somehow?
ERNEST BORGNINE
James Stewart. You have been
selected by the Ghosts Unstuck to
defeat Al Qaeda.
JIMMY STEWART
The Ghosts Unstuck? I definitely
know what that is.
Jimmy looks around the room confused. He is deeply sad and
for sure doesn’t know.
ERNEST BORGNINE
Are you sure about that? It’s a
weird thing to say. “Ghosts
unstuck.”
JIMMY STEWART
I get it.
ERNEST BORGNINE
Yeah do you?
2.

3. 3.
JIMMY STEWART
Shut the fuck up!
Ghost 2 (ELMER SEVENOFNINE) steps in to quell this burgeoning
argument.
ELMER SEVENOFNINE
Everybody chill out. I’ll just
explain it even though
EVERYONE...definitely...is on the
same page.
JIMMY STEWART
Sure, why not.
Ernest rolls his eyes. Fuck this dude.
ELMER SEVENOFNINE
The Ghosts Unstuck have trowled the
Timestreams for millenia, looking
for a warrior to defeat the
unstoppable forces of Al Qaeda.
JIMMY STEWART
WHAT IS AL QAEDA?!
Jimmy can’t take it anymore. He stomps his foot in rage and
the GROUND SHATTERS INTO A MILLION PIECES.
Before Jimmy can plummet down to the earth beneath his house
(which, though we didn’t establish it before, is actually
sitting on an oil rig in the ocean and thus would lead to him
drowning for sure), the ghosts exert their TELEKINETIC FLOOR
FORCE--
And create a glowing, half-opaque surface for Jimmy to land
on.
ELMER SEVENOFNINE
You know not your own strength,
James. But it is why we selected
you.
ERNEST BORGNINE
Elmer, don’t you think we better
choose another fighter? This guy
straight up blows monkey chunks.
ELMER SEVENOFNINE
Stop talking like a video game
critic from 2004, you dipshit. This
is Quibi, we only have three more
minutes.
3.

4. 4.
JIMMY STEWART
What’s Quibi?
ELMER SEVENOFNINE
We don’t have time for this.
Ernest thinks about this word. Staring into the distance, he
becomes overtaken with an emotion he can barely put words to,
a past he can never talk about.
ERNEST BORGNINE
--time.
GATOR, the third and coolest ghost because he doesn’t spend a
lot of time talking mad shit, steps forward.
GATOR GHOST
I shall beam the data into your
mortal brain. All will become
known.
Gator ghost is not shaped like a gator. He’s shaped like a
crocodile hunter with a gun for a head.
The gunhead SHOOTS OUT A BULLET BEAM AND IT BLASTS INTO
JIMMY’S HEAD.
JIMMY STEWART
AHHHH! UHHH. OHHHH. OHHH YEAHHH--
Jimmy done cums everywhere.
GATOR GHOST
Shit. I am firing the porn stuff
into his head.
ELMER SEVENOFNINE
WHAT?!
GATOR GHOST
Porn is a part of the data. Osama
bin Laden had lots of porn on his
computer when they grabbed it from
his compound.
ELMER SEVENOFNINE
Well how much porn? America’s most
beloved actor is absolutely going
to town on his hog here.
Indeed, Jimmy’s getting so much slap-bang action beamed into
his brainpan that he is busy whappin’ it right in front of
all three ghosts.
4.

5. 5.
GATOR GHOST
Porn is at least 40 GB of the data.
All the ghosts sit down on chairs now that Ernest makes out
of more opaque green surfaces. They are gonna be here a
while.
JIMMY STEWART
Hooooooly shiiiiiiii--
CUT TO:
EXT. DESERT BATTLEFIELD - DAY
Our troops are pinned down! Al Qaeda is gonna win this one.
This is a crazy big battle scene Quibi would NEVER be able to
afford. Unless they were in full-on “money laundering scheme
mode” and really had to push those bucks somewhere.
SOLDIER
Our freedoms are getting pushed
back! Liberty is surrounded!
SOLIDER 2
Shit! We need a hero with big ol’
arms.
SOLDIER
Yeah man. Hey don’t talk about arms
so much, it makes me upset because
I literally only work out on my
neck.
Just then the ground RUMBLES and the sand starts to shift.
EVERYONE stops fighting, even Al Qaeda, who never before has
stopped fighting, not even to poop.
A PORTAL OPENS UP ABOVE THEIR HEADS. Swirling in the hole are
the ravages of time and space, and emerging from the inky
hell comes--
JIMMY STEWART.
MASTURBATING FURIOUSLY.
He hits the ground with such speed, and his jerking hand
firing at nuclear levels of power, that the entire
battlefield EXPLODES INTO PIECES. THE SAND SHATTERS INTO
FURTHER PIECES OF SAND.
5.

6. 6.
We literally reuse footage of the nuclear blast scene from
Terminator 2 where everyone turns to ash and then blows away,
skin ripping off of bone.
When the blast subsides, Jimmy is finally done whittling his
hamhog and he collapses on his back in exhaustion.
JIMMY STEWART
(a deeper voice now)
A century of porn--all at once--no
man--could take this--
The three ghosts stand over him. FROM JIMMY’S POV, their
heads block out the sun just barely. (Note: Cool shot!)
ELMER SEVENOFNINE
You are no man anymore, James.
ERNEST BORGNINE
Though I hate to say it, and I know
we are gonna butt heads on several
more of our adventures--
GATOR GHOST
--You are the Jackoff King of
Peckerwood Falls. The chosen one.
Jimmy can barely bring his head up to hear this awesome news.
He squints, and coughs out a few more words:
JIMMY STEWART
What’s “Jacking off”?
Ernest rolls his eyes.
ERNEST BORGNINE
Oh my God, please no more
adventures with this fucking clod--
CUT TO THE NEXT EPISODE ABOUT TO LAUNCH. ERNEST’S REQUEST
FULLY DENIED.
6.