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Lesson 5 mod 4 mind hic
- 2. Mindfulness and Pleasant situations • Whenever we notice that our mind is trying to hold on to the moment, to prolong the happy feeling, we can take notice of this and accept that this is the way our mind works and return to the present moment. • Mindfulness teaches one that nothing is permanent. • We liberate our mind from the tendency to hold on to things. • Mindfulness also teaches us to make fewer demands of this moment or a future moment. • You approach a moment mindfully with openness, letting go of your own demands or expectations.
- 3. Exercise: Acceptance What was it like to do this exercise? Was this experience different from the previous exercise? If so, what was different? To what extent were you able to accept your experiences? How difficult was it for you to allow feelings to be present?
- 4. Exercise: The Unwanted Guest
- 5. Both positive and negative experiences are inevitable parts of life. In general, we have no problem dealing with positive experiences. Negative experiences can be more challenging. Negative experiences are to a great extent experienced as challenging not because of our actual experience, but because of our attitude and relationship with those feelings. Although pleasant and unpleasant situations are both parts of life, many of us have developed a completely different relationship with them. We tend to accept and embrace pleasant experiences and fight against or resist negative experiences. In the long term, this tendency to deal differently with both types of experiences help us a certain relationship with each of them. The following metaphor aims to explain what is meant by this. • Imagine the doorbell rings. As you open the door, there is a stranger standing in front of you. He is in a good mood, smiles, and has a positive attitude. You have a nice chat and then he leaves. The next day, he shows up again. You invite him in for a cup of coffee. You spend the afternoon together and have a lot of fun. Over time, a positive relationship is built. Every time he visits, you open the door and let him in. He is welcome. On another day, the doorbell rings and as you open the door, you are confronted with a completely different person. This person is in a negative mood, looks sad, and has a negative attitude. He is having a difficult time and asks if he may come in. You respond that he is not welcomed and that he should leave. You immediately shut the door and try to forget that he was there. • After a while, the doorbell rings again and as you are walking to the door, you are hoping to see the positive person. Unfortunately, it is the negative person again. Slightly irritated, you tell him that he is not allowed to come in and is certainly not welcomed. It does not matter how much you would like this person to stay away, he continues visiting you from time to time. Although you never gave the two of you a chance to get to know each other, in your mind, he gets more hostile and dangerous. Sometimes, out of the blue, you fear that he might show up randomly. Maybe you even decide to barricade your house or place cameras in front of your house. Over time, a negative relationship has been built. Exercise: The Unwanted Guest
- 6. • This metaphor illustrates how we can develop a relationship with positive and negative experiences, even without meaning to do so. The positive and negative people in this metaphor represent positive and negative experiences. Just as we do not allow the negative person to come in, we are not willing to allow negative or difficult experiences to be present. We try to avoid them by suppressing or ignoring them or wishing they would go away – we do not get to know them. Generally, we develop a relationship with negative emotions that is characterized by non-acceptance and avoidance. • Naturally, we want to keep the negative experiences out for many reasons. First, they are simply unpleasant, and by shutting the door, we think we can prevent them from hurting us, at least temporarily. Second, our environment can implicitly or explicitly teach us to keep negative experiences out. A father who tells his son that “big boys don’t cry” is effectively telling his son to block any emotion that can cause tears or emotional pain. • Several problems emerge as a result of keeping negative experiences out. First, we fail to extract valuable information from the emotion. Emotions are data. They can tell us something valuable about ourselves. Anger, for instance, can tell us that someone crossed a line. We should be aware and examine this emotion rather than keep it out. It could be a personal value, which should not be transgressed, or it could be a submerged belief, which is actually erroneous and requires revision. Second, if we never let negative emotions in, we fail to develop what can be referred to as emotional self-efficacy: the belief that we can handle difficult emotions. You are probably not letting them in because you are afraid of what might happen. Third, trying to keep negative emotions out means fighting them. Consequently, in addition to the negative experience itself, the fight and struggle can create additional suffering. Exercise: The Unwanted Guest
- 7. REVIEWING THE EXERCISE • Try to apply the principle of acceptance to this metaphor. Rather than keeping the door shut for the negative person, what would acceptance mean? (Acceptance of emotions means that you open the door for both the positive and negative person. You allow both of them to have a seat at your kitchen table.) • Imagine you decide to invite the negative person in. Do you think it will be a good thing? (Probably, the client will answer “no”. Note that the goal of acceptance-based coping is not to create positive emotions or to make the negative emotions go away. The goal is to cultivate a different relationship with these emotions). • How do you typically deal with unwanted guests? • What could you do to deal more effectively with difficult emotions? • What would it be like to open the door for every kind of guest? • What would it be like to give an unwanted guest a hug? THE GOAL OF THE EXERCISE • To deal effectively with emotions, the metaphor above illustrates the importance of cultivating an acceptance-based relationship with emotions. Rather than keeping the door shut, one should be willing to keep the door open and allow emotions, both positive and negative, to be present. • The aim of acceptance-based coping is to cultivate a different relationship with emotions. For many participants, this sounds very abstract. What does it mean to have a certain “relationship” with emotions? Rather than using difficult psychological jargon to explain what is meant, it is often more effective to use very concrete examples in the form of a metaphor to illustrate the principle. This exercise is designed to increase understanding of acceptance-based coping. Exercise: The Unwanted Guest
Editor's Notes
- Whenever we notice that our mind is trying to hold on to the moment, to prolong the happy feeling, we can take notice of this and accept that this is the way our mind works and return to the present moment. Mindfulness teaches one that nothing is permanent, not even the current moment. By experiencing the changeability instead of avoiding it, we liberate our mind from the tendency to hold on to things. Since everything fades, even this pleasant moment, it is important to experience it with undivided attention. Simply by accepting that nothing is permanent, it becomes easier to return to the (pleasant) here and now. We experience the here and now with more intensity and we are able to enjoy the moment once again. Mindfulness also teaches us to make fewer demands of this moment or a future moment. You approach a moment mindfully with openness, letting go of your own demands or expectations. By having fewer demands of the current moment or the future, the chance for struggle and conflict diminishes. This doesn’t mean that you cannot get excited about things or hope that an evening will turn out to be fun. Rather, it refers to letting go of the idea that the future at some point must be a certain way. There’s a fair chance that the future moment will eventually not meet your expectations. A conflict or struggle then is inevitable. By letting go of this “demand of the future”, a conflict is less likely to emerge.
- Ask participants to do the following: Close your eyes if that feels comfortable for you. If you choose to leave your eyes open, then focus your attention on a fixed point on the floor, let your gaze softly rest, and keep it there for the duration of the meditation. Focus on your breath, notice each inhale and each exhale. After a few breaths, notice where your body is making contact, for example, feet touching the floor, back on the ground, sit bones on a chair, and the like. Now, bring the challenging scenario you have chosen in the previous exercise to the forefront of your mind again. Really imagine yourself in the scenario. As vividly as possible, imagine the situation using all your senses. As a result of bringing this scenario to the forefront of your mind, you may notice that certain emotions arise. What emotions are you experiencing? What thoughts are going through your mind? Now focus on your body. Often, are emotions represented in our body? What feelings arise in your body? Simply observe what you feel in your body. Maybe you feel tension or other sensations. Perhaps you experience a tightness in your stomach, around your heart or neck. Whatever you experience, try to stay with the sensations and be gentle on yourself. Use your breath as a vehicle to stay with those sensations. Direct your awareness to the part of the body where those sensations are the strongest. ‘Breathe into’ that part of the body on the in-breath. Rather than pushing this experience away, try to let it be. In silence, you can say to the feeling: “it is ok, you are allowed to be here”. “Whatever it is, it’s OK. Let me feel it”. See what happens if you allow yourself to experience whatever you experience in this moment. Just stay with the awareness of these bodily sensations and your relationship with them, breathing with them, accepting them, letting them be. You can repeat “It’s OK. Whatever it is, it’s OK”. Perhaps you notice that the feeling gets more intense. Maybe the feeling remains the same or declines. It may also move in your body. Whatever happens, it is OK. Simply allow it to be. Observe what happens. Remember to stay with the experience with curiosity and kindness. You are experiencing sensations without reacting. Now slowly let your chosen scenario leave the focus of your attention. Wiggle your fingers and toes, slowly open your eyes, and bring your attention back to the present. REVIEWING THE EXERCISE Discuss the following questions with the participants: What was it like to do this exercise? Was this experience different from the previous exercise? If so, what was different? To what extent were participants able to accept their experiences? How difficult was it for participants to allow feelings to be present? EXPLAINING THE GOAL OF THE EXERCISE The goal of this exercise is to demonstrate what acceptance of emotions and feelings entails. Acceptance means that we allow emotions and feelings to be present as they are. Instead of trying to change or suppress them, acceptance involves willingness to allow emotions to take their natural course. Note that acceptance does not mean that one is constantly focused on emotional experiences. Acceptance comes in moments. When feelings and thoughts naturally arise, you allow for them to be present, but trying really hard to stay in contact with them all the time and telling yourself to accept them is not what acceptance means. Important note: When participants start to accept emotions more often, they sometimes notice that acceptance causes their emotions to fade away more quickly. This observation can cause participants to “use” acceptance as a way to get rid of experiences. Because they believe that acceptance will help their negative experiences disappear, acceptance now becomes a strategy that is very close to suppression. Just like suppression, the goal is no longer to allow feelings to take their natural course, but to make them go away. It is important to discuss this potential pitfall of acceptance with participants.
- Explain the following metaphor to participants: Both positive and negative experiences are inevitable parts of life. In general, we have no problem dealing with positive experiences. Negative experiences can be more challenging. Negative experiences are to a great extent experienced as challenging not because of our actual experience, but because of our attitude and relationship with those feelings. Although pleasant and unpleasant situations are both parts of life, many of us have developed a completely different relationship with them. We tend to accept and embrace pleasant experiences and fight against or resist negative experiences. In the long term, this tendency to deal differently with both types of experiences help us a certain relationship with each of them. The following metaphor aims to explain what is meant by this. Imagine the doorbell rings. As you open the door, there is a stranger standing in front of you. He is in a good mood, smiles, and has a positive attitude. You have a nice chat and then he leaves. The next day, he shows up again. You invite him in for a cup of coffee. You spend the afternoon together and have a lot of fun. Over time, a positive relationship is built. Every time he visits, you open the door and let him in. He is welcome. On another day, the doorbell rings and as you open the door, you are confronted with a completely different person. This person is in a negative mood, looks sad, and has a negative attitude. He is having a difficult time and asks if he may come in. You respond that he is not welcomed and that he should leave. You immediately shut the door and try to forget that he was there. After a while, the doorbell rings again and as you are walking to the door, you are hoping to see the positive person. Unfortunately, it is the negative person again. Slightly irritated, you tell him that he is not allowed to come in and is certainly not welcomed. It does not matter how much you would like this person to stay away, he continues visiting you from time to time. Although you never gave the two of you a chance to get to know each other, in your mind, he gets more hostile and dangerous. Sometimes, out of the blue, you fear that he might show up randomly. Maybe you even decide to barricade your house or place cameras in front of your house. Over time, a negative relationship has been built. This metaphor illustrates how we can develop a relationship with positive and negative experiences, even without meaning to do so. The positive and negative people in this metaphor represent positive and negative experiences. Just as we do not allow the negative person to come in, we are not willing to allow negative or difficult experiences to be present. We try to avoid them by suppressing or ignoring them or wishing they would go away – we do not get to know them. Generally, we develop a relationship with negative emotions that is characterized by non-acceptance and avoidance. Naturally, we want to keep the negative experiences out for many reasons. First, they are simply unpleasant, and by shutting the door, we think we can prevent them from hurting us, at least temporarily. Second, our environment can implicitly or explicitly teach us to keep negative experiences out. A father who tells his son that “big boys don’t cry” is effectively telling his son to block any emotion that can cause tears or emotional pain. Several problems emerge as a result of keeping negative experiences out. First, we fail to extract valuable information from the emotion. Emotions are data. They can tell us something valuable about ourselves. Anger, for instance, can tell us that someone crossed a line. We should be aware and examine this emotion rather than keep it out. It could be a personal value, which should not be transgressed, or it could be a submerged belief, which is actually erroneous and requires revision. Second, if we never let negative emotions in, we fail to develop what can be referred to as emotional self-efficacy: the belief that we can handle difficult emotions. You are probably not letting them in because you are afraid of what might happen. Third, trying to keep negative emotions out means fighting them. Consequently, in addition to the negative experience itself, the fight and struggle can create additional suffering. REVIEWING THE EXERCISE Try to apply the principle of acceptance to this metaphor. Rather than keeping the door shut for the negative person, what would acceptance mean? (Acceptance of emotions means that you open the door for both the positive and negative person. You allow both of them to have a seat at your kitchen table.) Imagine you decide to invite the negative person in. Do you think it will be a good thing? (Probably, the client will answer “no”. Note that the goal of acceptance-based coping is not to create positive emotions or to make the negative emotions go away. The goal is to cultivate a different relationship with these emotions). How do you typically deal with unwanted guests? What could you do to deal more effectively with difficult emotions? What would it be like to open the door for every kind of guest? What would it be like to give an unwanted guest a hug? EXPLAINING THE GOAL OF THE EXERCISE To deal effectively with emotions, the metaphor above illustrates the importance of cultivating an acceptance-based relationship with emotions. Rather than keeping the door shut, one should be willing to keep the door open and allow emotions, both positive and negative, to be present. The aim of acceptance-based coping is to cultivate a different relationship with emotions. For many participants, this sounds very abstract. What does it mean to have a certain “relationship” with emotions? Rather than using difficult psychological jargon to explain what is meant, it is often more effective to use very concrete examples in the form of a metaphor to illustrate the principle. This exercise is designed to increase understanding of acceptance-based coping.