The document provides feedback on revisions for an essay. It suggests focusing on three areas: 1) improving the thesis statement to clearly state the purpose and position in 1-2 concise sentences, 2) ensuring topic sentences follow the order of the thesis and clearly state the point of each paragraph, and 3) fully developing each paragraph using the PIE model of Point, Illustration, Explanation. Links are provided for additional information on writing effective body paragraphs, thesis statements, and developing cohesive paragraphs. The feedback also notes the conclusion was strong.

1. For your revisions, I suggest focusing on: 1. Thesis - The thesis
started well, however, remember that the thesis is the blueprint
of the paper. It should the purpose and main idea of your essay
to your audience. Your thesis statement conveys your position
on a topic and provides focus for your essay. If it does not
effectively state your purpose and/or does not accurately convey
your position, it is not a complete thesis statement. Although
you did a great job in stating your stance, you want to try to
make it clear and concise. Ideally, it would be a maximum of
two sentences to do so. A great example would be “Factors
related to student success (topic) includes effective time
management (point 1), motivation (2), and family support (final
point).” For more information, please refer to the following:
http://writingcenter.ashford.edu/body-paragraphs 2. Topic
Sentences - Your topic sentence is the point of the paragraph.
The “why” of the paragraph. It should follow the thesis
statement in order and it should state the claim/idea/point of the
paragraph clearly and concisely. If it does not follow the thesis
statement, it can take cause the audience to become confused as
the thesis is the blueprint of the paper and having the topic
sentences go outside of that order may negatively impact the
organizational portion of the paper. For more information please
refer to the following: http://writingcenter.ashford.edu/body-
paragraphs 3. Paragraph development – The acronym PIE is a
great way to ensure total paragraph development. Each piece of
the acronym serves a distinct purpose and the absence of one
piece can take away from total topic development. The absence
of having each piece of this acronym fully developed can cause
the paragraphs to appear undeveloped and without organization.
This can detract from the totality of the content of your paper.
For more information, please refer to the following:
http://writingcenter.ashford.edu/body-paragraphs
This is the feedback from the assignment...

2. In the journal you will carefully review the feedback.. I identify
three issues your writing specialist focused on in your rough
draft (e.g. paragraph structure, proper use of quotations thesis
statement, etc.
In what ways were those issues surprising?
Describe what you learned from some of the feedback your
writing specialist provided as explanations.
Was the feedback helpful?
Evaluate the usefulness of the paper review tool
In what ways did this activity improve your academic writing
skills?
Will you use the Ashford Writing Center review your work in
the future? Why or why not?
400 words... She also said the conclusion was very strong..