1. WORDS:SIMONCUNNINGHAM.PHOTOGRAPHY:WARNERBROS
NINE AMAZING THINGS GIRLS DO BUT NO MAN SHOULD ATTEMPT
146 AUGUST 2015
See
you next
month...
08Flirt your way out
of a tricky situation
The flutter of your
girlfriend’s eyelids
can guarantee drinks
after last orders and
leniency from even the
most Stalin-like of
traffic wardens. Yet
when you try to flirt
your way through the
barriers after ‘losing’
your train ticket,
you’re carted off by
British Transport
Watch the film Magic Mike
Yes, it’s quite adorable how excited
your girlfriend and all her mates get
about Channing Tatum’s bumcheeks,
but don’t ever attempt to get in on
the fun yourself. You’ll just spend the
rest of the evening staring at your
own naked body in the mirror as you
weep and eat Nutella out of the jar.
Police quicker than you
can say ‘restraining
order’. Go figure!
07Wear ‘sexy’ undies
Girls have got the
whole sexy underwear
thing covered, so you
can retire your ‘lucky’
pulling pants and
chuck away those
novelty ‘May contain
nuts’ boxers while
you’re at it. Though
you can keep the
Homer Simpson tie:
a vital weapon in any
job hunter’s armoury.
06Cut your own hair
You’ll either end up
stabbing yourself in
the head or looking
like the fella from The
Hills Have Eyes if you
try to give your own
barnet a trim. Ladyfolk
manage such tasks
without professionals,
YouTube tutorials or
trips to A&E.
05Get naked in front
of your mates
Whereas girls can
happily parade around
their pals in the buff
(“Jess, your abs are
amazing – is it the
Zumba classes?”)
there’s no panic like
the horror men
experience when the
towel slips in the
changing rooms.
04Send NSFW pics
of yourself
As the more beautiful
sex, women were
always going to have
a handle on the whole
‘selfie’ thing. Notice
how when a celeb
lady’s selfies leak, they
always look incredible.
Yet when it’s a bloke,
it’s normally some
pot-bellied politician
with his knob limply
dangling like an old
party balloon.
03Twerk
Only 50 per cent of the
population can get
away with grinding
their bottoms to the
delight of others. The
other half just manage
to look like they’re
trying to shift a bad
case of worms. Guess
which one you’d be?
02Wax anything
Not only is it more
painful than a million
vinegar-tainted paper
cuts, but just pause
for a moment to think
how odd you’d look
without hairy legs.
Yes, give your bush
the odd trim, but stop
short of looking like
a blow-up sex doll
or, even worse, a
professional cyclist.
01Wear a flasher’s mac
When women do the
whole ‘wearing nothing
but undies under a
coat’ thing, it’s seen as
naughty and kinky. Yet
when a fella does it
and takes a shortcut
through the bushes in
the park, the police are
called. It’s political
correctness
gone mad!
09