1. 793 E. Foothill Blvd., Suite 50, San Luis Obispo, California 93405
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Leaving a Cluster B: Beginning Custody Proceedings
I am so sorry you are about to start such a necessary but painful change, made more painful
if your soon to be ex is a Cluster B personality disorder. In leaving it is often best to frame
the situation in terms of what is the safest way to leave a domestic violence situation. The
emotional abuse of a narcissist is domestic violence whether any physical abuse has
occurred. Some DV shelters understand this, others do not. I would suggest talking with a
good DV agency to help you develop a safety plan for you and the children to leave and then
following that plan. Most DV agencies will tell you to gather important records (Birth and
marriage certificates, taxes, bank records, credit card statements, employment histories,
military records, insurance cards, etc). OMB members also suggest that you open your own
checking account, get your own PO Box and a new email account with new password. If you
can afford a new phone with new password do that too.
Sometimes attorneys recommend you not leave family home and to share with Cluster B
until first court hearing. They advise this based on legal strategy but it is also based in not
understanding the volatility and dangerousness of a Cluster B. I would not wait for custody
to be determined before I went to a different in-state residence (or figure out a legal way to
evict Cluster B from shared home) for two reasons: high chance you will be court ordered
to continue sharing home if you are living there when you file and if Cluster B has impulse
control issues you and the children will be at highest risk of harm when s/he realizes you
want divorce, want custody, and are leaving. You may be able to time filing concurrent with
leaving, just don't let it predate it enough s/he will get served before you and children are
in a safe place.
Assume you are being secretly recorded, that you may have a GPS tracker on your vehicle,
that your phone has spyware, and that your computer has key logging spyware. Always
have your behaviors above reproach, do not get provoked and scream, cry, throw fits, curse
etc. Many parents have lost custody of their children being set up by Cluster B and captured
acting furious or out of control in a recording. Assume every letter, text, email you send will
be read by a judge and write nothing you would not want admitted as evidence in court.

2. 793 E. Foothill Blvd., Suite 50, San Luis Obispo, California 93405
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Never write anything reflecting badly on you or that can be viewed as you wanting to keep
child from relationship from cluster B parent. For example if cluster B is substance abusing
write something like, "it is my hope that you will take active rehab and therapy steps to
stop your substance abuse, recover, and be the safe, trustworthy parent our daughter
deserves." Never waste words explaining, justifying, rationalizing, defending your actions
or feelings to a Cluster B. Be very brief and concrete in your communications. Learn about
boundaries, the grey rock technique, and implement. Use Talking Parents (TP) (a free
service) or Our Family Wizard (OFW) (a paid service) for all communications about child
and keep calendar there. Court can view these communications (emails, etc.) and ex cannot
claim lack of receipt as it is documented when sent, when seen, etc. Stop voice
communication as much as possible, keep texting only for drop off or pick up
communication. Do not use regular email. Limit all correspondence to TP or OFW.
In the early phase of separating, emotions can run high. Swallow them, talk to friends,
family, DV staff, your therapist but leave the Cluster B out of it. They will use it against you
in more ways than you can understand so early in process. Just because something is true
does not mean it needs to be said. Less said the better to protect you and kids and to not
provide ammunition to Cluster B to twist in court and with family and friends. Cluster Bs
recruit "flying monkeys" to spy on you. Make sure you do not share information with
untrustworthy "friends."
Remember it is a waste of time to be hurt, disappointed, or angry with a Cluster B because
they do not act normal. They are not normal. We need to expect them to do the Cluster B
behaviors and not be shocked, enraged, etc when those behaviors negatively affect us and
the children; your job is to become better at minimizing unnecessary triggering them,
anticipating their disordered behaviors, and protecting the children while looking like fit,
mature parent to the court. Later your job will be to model boundary management to your
children, helping them learn to do the same with their Cluster B parent. Do not pretend to
child that their Cluster B parent's abusive behaviors toward them are normal, based in love
etc. You do not want to talk badly about their other parent but you have to help them
understand that the lack of healthy parental attention and care is not because the child is
unlovable or deserves to be abused. Having their own therapist helps as does reading the

3. 793 E. Foothill Blvd., Suite 50, San Luis Obispo, California 93405
www.onemomsbattle.com
“Bucket Books" (“Have You Filled a Bucket Today?”) to children 3-9 years old) or
participating in DV support groups. The Bucket Books gives you and child shared language
to talk about mean behaviors that empties buckets, empathy, boundaries etc. DV groups
will help them recognize manipulative attempts to dominate and control.
Join our Facebook group, “One Moms Battle” to educate yourself about Cluster B and find
support from both men and women who understand, check out our recommended reading
list and dive in. Education is power in this fight. Find your own therapist or DV support
group; it is likely the children may need the same, even baby at 2-3 can start play therapy
giving an independent third party who can attest to court behavioral changes if they
happen when little one has unsupervised parenting time with Cluster B
Ask DV staff for best lawyer recommendations. You want one who understands the power
and control issues associated with DV and Cluster B disorders, who is not scared in high
conflict divorces, and who will not encourage you to place child at risk by negotiating with
a narcissistic to look reasonable to judge. You are the voice and protector for your child.
Even if you cannot afford an attorney go for initial consultation to the "best ones". These
are generally free and you talking with them makes it a conflict of interest for them to
accept your ex. You will need a parenting plan that has every contingency spelled out, no
ambiguous language, and consequences for violations.
If you can document proof of abuse or illegal drug use or other illegal actions, carefully do
it. See if your state is a one party consent state. If it is, secretly tape Cluster B being verbally
abusive or controlling to you and or the children. Take pictures of drug stash, etc. Be ready
to prove to CPS that once you realized the extent of drug use you took the children and left
or removed abuser from your home so you are not charged with child endangerment by
staying. Expect filing of false abuse or neglect charges against you by the Cluster B and
flying monkeys.
Best wishes. This is a very stressful period in life. Stay safe. Once you leave never be alone
with Cluster B again. Implement security measures at new place. Cluster B people do not
like to lose or be exposed.
Rebecca
Board Vice President, One Mom’s Battle