Understand others, and they’ll begin to understand you. What I’ve learned—and what I keep discovering—is that no matter what my environment, if I want someone else to change, I may have to focus on my own behaviors and set an example. Only then do people respond.

1. Juliane
Juliane
LarsonAllen EFFECT / Summer 2008 2322 LarsonAllen EFFECT / Summer 2008
I
struggle to communicate—whether
it’s with a work colleague who doesn’t
understand how long his project will
take to complete or a friend who thinks it’s impractical to get married
on a sailboat. Life would be less stressful if I’d aim to understand
instead of being understood.
According to David Keirsey, PhD, author of Please Understand Me
II, Character and Temperament Styles, trying to change people’s com-
munication styles is usually unsuccessful in the long term. He says,
“Our attempts to reshape others may produce change, but the change
is distortion rather than transformation.”
I’ve learned the hard way that it takes professional maturity to
improve a situation with “difficult” people. You have to stop focusing
on your own needs to try to meet theirs. Only then will the situation
improve. Understand others, and they’ll begin to understand you.
In my early 20s I waited tables at a pizza parlor. I was having a hard
time getting along with one of the cooks. I’d say hello and he’d stare at
me. I’d walk by him while he was chopping tomatoes and he’d purposely
splatter my uniform with seeds and juice. The guy didn’t like me. After
weeks of stained uniforms, I went to my manager.
At my request, my manager subtly investigated the situation. Not
thinking there could be two sides to this story, I was not prepared for
the feedback. “He feels as if you think you’re better than him and he
wants someone to knock you down a couple of notches,” my manager
explained. I considered the accusation preposterous. He told me the
cook saw the world differently and had trouble with a lot of the servers.
He didn’t think it was fair that the cooks did the work while the servers
made the money.
I felt defensive. He chose to be the cook, not a server—so I didn’t see
his point. In fact, I had a hard time hearing anything else over the voice
in my head saying, “I’m quitting. I don’t have to put up with this.”
But I didn’t quit. It took me a couple of weeks to realize I needed
to make some changes. My manager told the cook to stop squirting
tomatoes on my uniform, but he found other ways to torment me. I’d
go near the sink and he’d turn the water on full blast to get me wet.
I’d make lunch for myself and he’d slip jalapenos in my food­—the
list of shenanigans goes on and on.
I knew the right thing to do was the hard thing. Even though
the cook’s actions were inexcusable, I began to see how my
actions could have been misunderstood. So one day I decided to
try to work things out. I had never offered to do dishes, make
pizzas, or fold boxes because those tasks were not in my job
Communicating With Perplexing People by Juliane Walsh
Understand others, and they’ll
begin to understand you.
description. But I started loading the dishwasher. I learned to make pizzas (which was a lot
easier than dealing with hungry, moody customers), and I became the fastest box folder in
the restaurant. And a small miracle occurred—he changed because I changed, and the con-
flict faded. We never became friends, but we did end up laughing about the past over a beer
at the company picnic later that year.
According to Keirsey, when you aren’t getting along with someone, the worst thing
you can do is try to change the person into a replica of yourself. Besides, he believes it’s
disrespectful to try to change another’s personality type. It was clear that I wasn’t
going to change my co-worker’s personality, but by trying to understand his per-
spective, he did change his behavior to the point that we could productively work
in the same place.
Based on the number of personality books on the market, I’m not alone
in my quest for understanding how people get along with each other. The
inability to communicate plagues relationships of all kinds—between co-
workers, married couples, children and their parents, siblings, and friends.
But to communicate with others, we have to be willing to truly understand
one another.
It’s been many years since I lived on free pizza and waited tables, yet the
lesson I learned long ago is still relevant today. I work for an organization
with a strong, caring culture, but people are people, and when something
goes awry my first instinct is not always to assume they meant well. That
is probably why we reward people for assuming positive intent—because
in many cases, this attitude must be learned. If someone misses your
deadline, your first thoughts usually aren’t positive—even though there
may be a legitimate reason for it.
I’ve had my share of workplace misunderstandings, and all of them
were due to communication problems. I prefer to communicate
often. I give status updates via phone, email, instant messages, and in
person. And I want the same level of communication in return. If I
don’t know what’s going on, I follow up. It’s my way of managing
my projects. But I’ve been told I can be intense and overwhelming.
My work coach has been mentoring me. She says, “It’s good for
you to follow up, and it’s appropriate when you need an answer.
But the way you follow up can make a difference in how you are
perceived and how your message is understood.”
Whether it’s word choice or tone of voice, one approach makes
it seem like I’m waiting for the person to make a mistake; the
other communicates that I assume everyone is doing the best
they can.
What I’ve learned—and what I keep discovering—is that
no matter what my environment, if I want someone else to
change, I may have to focus on my own behaviors and set an
example. Only then do people respond. For better or worse,
it looks as if the goal to improve my communication skills in
the midst of so many intricate personalities will be a lifelong
pursuit.
Juliane Walsh is an associate editor for EFFECT. Contact
Juliane at jwalsh@larsonallen.com or 704-998-5215.
IllustrationbyAlanPranke