2. 72 TimeOutSingaporeOctober 2013 www.timeoutsingapore.com
‘W
henareyougoingtotake
offyourtrousers?’
ItwasHalloween2011,
andIhadbeenaskedtoperformata
freecomedyshowatFortCanning
Parkaspartofapartythatpromised
tohavebignames,bigcrowds,
freefood,boozeand,mostofall,a
sexyvibe.Thismeant,apparently,
thattherewasano-trouserpolicy
–somethingthewomanatthedoor
(whoalsoidentifiedherselfasthe
partyorganiser)informedmeof
beforeallowingmetoenter.
InSingapore,Icanseehowgirls
mightenjoyHalloweenwithouttheir
pantson,becauseitstayswarm
throughoutthenight,leavingthe
fearofgettingcold
inthat98percentof
exposedskinlong
forgottenathome
withallyourdignity.
Andevenformen,
alittlelessclothing
doesn’thurt.Lastyear
IwasSweeneyTodd
(which,itturnsout,
isn’taswellknownas
Iexpected,despiteit
beingJohnnyDepp’s
bestpartintenyears)
anddressedinafullsuit–itleftme
sweatinglikeanicesculptureina
tanningbed.
Somaybetheythoughtaskingmen
totakeofftheirtrouserswasdoing
usafavour.Maybetheythought
we’dgetintoa‘kooky’vibeand
startpartyingharderandwearing
lampshadesonourheadsoranything
elsetheymayhaveseeninAmerican
Pie.Buttheywerewrong.Don’ttell
peopletoundressatthedoor,and
certainlydon’tmakeitarule.It’snot
likeweworetrousersbyaccident;like
Fin Carew recounts the most horrifying
Halloween party ever
Scared out of my pants
weputthemonfornopurpose.There
wasno‘umming’and‘ahhing’about
theprosandconsofexposingthe
whitestpartsofourbodies;wedidn’t
secretlyhopeeveryoneelsewould
turnuptrouser-lesssowewouldn’t
feelawkwardtalkingthemoff.
So,totheorganiserladywhoasked
when(notif)Iwouldberemovingmy
trousers,Isaid,‘Much,muchlater–
whenIgotobed.’Shegavemealook
ofmixeddisdainandconfusion,asif
I’djustaskedherifshewascurrently
givingbirth.
I’musedtogettingthoselookson
Halloween.It’satoughworldfor
thosewhodon’tenjoydressingupin
costumes.Forme,Halloweenislikea
highschoolreunion.
Everyoneelseseems
tobereallyintothe
idea;theyallwant
tolookthepartand
everyone,everyone,
givesmelookslike
I’manalienwitha
carrotforatorso
forthinkingit’sthe
juvenileturd-fest
thatitis.
It’soneofthefew
opinionsuniversally
frowneduponbysociety,which
bafflesme.JustbecauseIthinkI
lookstupidinacavemanloincloth
doesn’tmeanI’mouttomurdera
bunchoforphans.I’vegotnothing
againstotherpeopledoingwhatthey
want;Ijustwishpeoplewouldn’t
expectmetojoinin–Idon’tneedany
moretraumaticspooky(or‘sexy’)
experiencestocloudmyperspective
ofthejoysoflateOctobercosplay.
SowekeptourtrousersonatFort
Canning.Thepartyparticipants,
however,weren’tsolucky.Inside
thevenue–asmallfunctionroom
neartheHillStreetentrance(or
the‘backentrance’asitshouldbe
called)–therewereaboutseven
totenuncomfortabletrouser-less
menoccupyingtheroom,spread
outandmiserableatthecomplete
lackofwomen(thatsexyvibethey
referencedmustbevery,veryniche).
Andwithallthepiecesinplace,they
askedustobegin.
Ourlasthopewasfortheretobe
anMCwhocouldrallytheaudience
(fewaswewere),thenbringtheminto
thepartyspiritanduptheenergy!A
skinnytallmanwithaheavyGerman
accentwalkedovertoanunoccupied
corneroftheroomthatdidn’thave
astage.‘Heyeveryone,welcometo
theparty!’hesaidtonobody.Like
obedientpuppies,nobodyresponded.
‘Wehavesomecomedianshere!’
hepersisted,interruptingafew
conversations,leadingtoanawkward
silence.Then:‘WelcomeFinCarew!’
Thatwasthewarmup.Thenext
sevenminuteswereanembarrassing
mixoftryingtorallyadisinterested
audienceandtryingtorelatetoa
crowddespitetheobviousresentment
tomebeingallowedtoweartrousers.
You’reprobablyallwondering
whatthelessonishere,besideswhat
Ihopeishownottogiveacomediana
gig.Thelessonhereisstoptryingso
hardeveryHalloween.
Andstoptryingtomakeitsexy.
Girls,Ithinkeveryonedeserves
thechancetofeelsexyanddressas
suchiftheywantto(that’swhyIdo
it,anyway),soI’mnotaimingthis
atyou.Halloweenisthetimewhen
it’smostsociallyacceptabletodress
sultrysoifyouwantto,goforit.
Buttotheeventorganisers:just
becauseyoutellpeoplesomething
issexy,itdoesn’tmakeitso.Andif
youtellpeopletotakeofftheirdamn
trousers,you’reonlygoingtomake
peoplefeelinsecureandstupid.Is
thereanythingsexyaboutamanin
tornboxershortsandsocks?Ihope
not.Ireallydo.
Therewere
aboutten
uncomfortable
trouser-less
menoccupying
theroom
ff
What’s on the horizon
for November
MAKE PLANS!For more upcoming events, see
timeoutsingapore.com
AroundTown
Starlight Express
Andrew Lloyd Webber’s
beloved rock-‘n’-roller-
skates musical follows
a fleet of trains as they
compete to become the
fastest engine in the world.
13-24 Nov
The Fifth Estate
Uncover the truth, as the
highly-anticipated drama
revolving around the story
of WikiLeaks’ founder
Julian Assange finally hits
our shores next month.
Opens 14 Nov
Michael McIntyre
You’ve heard of the man and
you’ve seen him on TV (or
YouTube) – but here’s your
chance to catch the English
stand-up comic in the flesh
in his first Singapore show.
12 Nov
FilmPerformance
LOOKINGFORWARD
Slice
of life
3. 34 ESQ 0 5 . 1 3
M a H BFILM
BECAUSE WE ARGH
May Day used to be one of the most embarrassing
elements of British culture. Now, they have pirates.
Then, the second and third movies
came out and couldn’t really figure out
what they were up to. Suddenly, the pi-
rates, whom the producers had spent an
entire movie criminalising through mur-
ders and an insinuated desire to rape, were
the audience’s best friends. My feeling is
that a good family movie requires a decent
comeuppance for the villain. The villain in
Pirates of the Caribbean not only came back
from the dead, but also became a main pro-
tagonist/anti-hero for the next two films.
Usually, in a film, the underdog—struggling
for survival under the boot of the privi-
leged—will become the powerful leader, as
a reward for their plight. Keira Knightley
was the spoiled daughter of a rich captain,
who later became king of all pirates, while
poor blacksmith/pirate Orlando Bloom
was forced to ferry the dead with one day
off every 10 years. I hope British justice has evolved since the
late 1600s.
The next Pirates of the Caribbean film is due for release in
2015 and I think it’s important we all prepare ourselves for
the worst. As if it’s something to be proud of, producers an-
nounced Jeff Nathanson as the writer whose previous credit of
Catch Me If You Can is overshadowed by Rush Hour
3 and worst of all, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of
the Crystal Skull—both of which were like taking your
favourite childhood toy and melting it down to be
intravenously injected into your frontal lobe. Jerry
Bruckheimer takes producer role again despite being
on a steady downhill slope in terms of the quality of
his movies since Con Air. (Let’s try not to forget he worked on
Pearl Harbour and Armageddon.)
But we all know Pirates of the Caribbean will make USD1
billion—as will the rumoured sixth movie that’s planned. It’s
just the way things go. You’d have thought Depp’s impersona-
tion of Keith Richards would have gone stale the moment they
gave the man himself a part in the movie, but apparently, not.
So, well done, Pirates of the Caribbean, you did it. You’re the
May Queen. You’re the cleanest of the filthy turds. Don’t expect
me to acknowledge your Mayday when you crash and burn.
M
ay Day in the UK is traditionally celebrated
with various festivities such as Morris danc-
ing and crowning a May Queen. It’s basically
a festival that the British wish everyone would
forget about so that they can admit to them-
selves that the whole thing was a bad idea. Mayday is
also the international word for emergency when faced with the
prospect of a devastating crash—both definitions of the phrase
can be neatly summed up by the announcement of the new Pi-
rates of the Caribbean film earlier this year.
I would like to think that if the British didn’t spend all their
time nasally inhaling expired deodorant they probably wouldn’t
like being associated with pirates anymore. After the first Pi-
rates of the Caribbean, it was great—they could all be compared
to Jack Sparrow (conveniently ignoring the comparison to Mac-
kenzie Crook who actually is English), and Jack Davenport and
Jonathan Pryce got some well-deserved work.
Nottobelittleatragedybutthemovie,PearlHarbour,wasabiggercatastrophethantheactualPearlHarbourattack.EVERETT
BY FIN CAREW
The Great Gatsby
Hollywood-itis: Over stylised
adaptation of a book.
Out: May 16
Star Trek Into Darkness
Hollywood-itis: Sequel to a
reboot.
Out: May 16
Fast & Furious 6
Hollywood-itis: Says it right there
in the title.
Out: May 23
Jurassic Park 3D
Hollywood-itis: 3D-fication of a
10-year-old movie.
Out: May 30
SPLIT-SECOND DECISIONS
VS VS VS
mahb part 1 esqsgmay13ll1wcmt2mt3kt5LL6MT7.indd 34 29/4/13 9:33 AM
4. 54 ESQ 0 3 . 1 3
M a H BFILM
DÉJÀ VU
The battle royale is on for no-brainer methods that allow Hollywood to avoid using its imagination.
haps, British actors are easier to take seriously onscreen
as well? Christian Bale has been American countless
times in roles that should be a joke; for example, Mary
Harron’s Patrick Bateman in American Psycho stays on
the silly side of crazy without the book’s horrific mutila-
tion scenes to counter it. Of course, we can’t forget Bat-
man Begins where he’s trying to be taken seriously while wearing
a cape and pointy ears like a kawaii anime French maid.
SEQUELS
A sequel means audiences haven’t been thoroughly milked dry
yet. The trick to being a sequel is that you have to up the ante
each time. Die Hard started in a skyscraper, upgraded (in size,
not quality) to an airport, moved onto New York and then, the
entire US. The latest instalment, A Good Day to Die Hard, heads
to America’s old worst enemy, Russia. Die Hard 4.0 only just
scraped by but producers made another film anyway.
Scary Movie had a scene where film students discussed if an
original has ever been outdone by its sequel. The best anyone can
think of are Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back and Ter-
minator 2: Judgement Day. To anyone who says Aliens, it’s time
for your vasectomy. Overheard 2—a Hong Kong film that flew too
far under Singapore’s radar considering how good it was—is a se-
quel featuring the original cast. However, everyone plays different
characters and the storyline is completely unrelated. This means
you get something new, but still stylised in the format previously
enjoyed. This is admirable, as opposed to the terrible nonsense
from Pirates of the f**king Caribbean—whose only development
throughout was to get rid of the actors with posh accents.
H
ollywood’s religious affiliation has never been
a secret: there’s only one God (thank you very
much Captain America in The Avengers)—and
anyone who thinks otherwise will be put straight
like Will Smith in I Am Legend. But now, with an
awful lot of reincarnation going on, Hollywood seems to
be having a crisis of faith. Last year, some of the most anticipated
releases were The Dark Knight Rises, The Amazing Spider-Man
and The Avengers (aka Iron Man 3). This year, it’s The Wolverine,
Man of Steel and Iron Man 3 (aka Iron Man 4). Putting the comic
fanboys aside, let’s recognise the far more glaring issue. I’ve seen
every single one of those characters do their thing and it was fun.
Does that mean I want to see them do it all over again? Kind of.
But Hollywood plays it safe as ever by relying on its usual arsenal
of reboots, sequels and prequels—with the exception of Casino
Royale, which encompasses all three. Which is best, if at all?
REBOOTS
Reboots have the advantage of using a familiar, likeable, char-
acter whilst being compared to a previous—presumably awful—
film. They have a what-not-to-do checklist from the original, so
it’s hardly fair to credit the creators entirely. There’s one essen-
tial rule when making a reboot: hire an Englishman for the lead
role. There’s something likeable about watching a British youth
play an American nerd while knowing he secretly pronounces
“bath” with an R (i.e. Aaron Taylor-Johnson in Kick-Ass). Young
American actors are only allowed to play frat boys/naive thugs
like Taylor Lautner or awkward geeks who pull off charming like
someone trying to reboot Hugh Grant such as Michael Cera. Per-
EVERETT
BY FIN CAREW
mahb part 1 esqsgmar13wc1mt2MT3.indd 54 18/2/13 6:38 PM
5.
6. 30 ESQ 0 2 . 1 4
M a H BFILM
PRESENT, TENSE
Are films still capable of delivering on tension and suspense?
whelming feeling of pressure and
danger, which moves you to the
edge of your seat, as the erect hairs
on your neck compete with the
trickle of sweat avalanching its way
down your back—this is tension.
Alfred Hitchcock redefined
suspense in films, while the ’40s
gave us The Maltese Falcon. These
days, we have Man of Steel and the
like, where tension means making
more noise. This is wrong—silence
is tension’s best weapon. No Coun-
try for Old Men’s coin-toss scene
sees Javier Bardem passively threatening
the life of a shopkeeper. The tension comes
from the latter’s slow realisation of what’s at
risk. Alien shows a man looking for his cat,
while neither he nor the audience knows
what’s waiting for him. In Goodfellas, we
watch Ray Liotta’s face turn to subtle terror when he
calls Joe Pesci funny.
None of these scenes used any music or choreo-
graphed action, and nothing exploded. Tension is
the space between words, the subtle Foley sound ef-
fects and everything we need to fill in with our mas-
sively pessimistic and twisted imagination. A really
clever movie doesn’t force emotions on us; it’ll spur
our creative powers to action and let us form our
own fear.
These days, the sad truth is tension’s often con-
fused with boring, while clever pacing, which doesn’t
have a CGI dragon-mounted-gun-mounted-robot-pi-
rate-Sam-Worthington blowing up the moon, is filed
under “artsy”. Cliffhanger endings are usually con-
sidered cheap, but I disagree. A good cliffhanger will
leave an ending open to the viewer’s analysis. Look
at Inception, a film everyone argued over. I’ve discov-
ered the truth behind its ending, by the way; tune in
next month to find out.
T
o be continued” feels like a con: paying
full price for a film, and then being told
to not only cough up more cash to see
the ending, but also that you need to
wait a year and a half to do so. Some-
times, we forgive, like Lord of the Rings,
where only people wearing homemade Hobbit shoes
would willingly sit through an entire three-part mara-
thon. The Empire Strikes Back gets a free pass, too, for
simply being a Star Wars movie made before George
Lucas had a metaphorical cucumber lobotomy.
But come off it Harry Potter and Pirates of the Car-
ibbean—I know what you’re both doing. Emotionally
blackmailing the weak-minded into believing there’s
tension at the start of the next instalment, kidding
them into thinking the next one will be worth their
time. Your Jedi mind tricks aren’t working on me, es-
pecially you, The Avengers; expecting me to get excit-
ed about that end-credits shot of Thanos. Yes, I know
he’s smiling while saying, “Courting death itself”,
because Death is a character in the Marvel universe
with whom Thanos fell in love. But it’s not going to
affect me, no matter how much of a nerd I am… oh,
who am I kidding? I want to see it so bad.
Tension needs to come from artistic stylising, as
opposed to ending on a ‘tune in next time’. That over-
GETTY
BY FIN CAREW
“
DidyouknowthatattendingComic-Conmagically
restoresyourvirginity?#fact#science
COP-
CULTURE
DÉJÀ VU
LIAM NEESON
Taken (2008):
Persecuted federal
agent.
Non-Stop (2014):
Persecuted federal
agent.
MATTHEW
MCCONAUGHEY
Dazed and
Confused (1993):
Washed-up townie.
True Detective
(2014): Washed-up
townie.
JOEL KINNAMAN
The Killing (2011):
Cop.
RoboCop
(2014): RoboCop.
KEVIN COSTNER
The Body-
guard (1992):
Former Secret
Service agent.
3 Days to Kill
(2014): Former
Secret Service
agent.
8. Photo courtesy of
GOLDEN VILLAGE PICTURES
Private Ryan, Starship Troopers and Groundhog Day
never happened now, then?) but it isn’t that. It’s Tom
Cruise.
I like Tom Cruise. From flaunting his legs in Risky
Business to pretending to be Japanese in The Last
Samurai – he’s a good actor. But it’s easy to forget he
was amazing in films like Born On The Fourth Of July
and Rain Man, because ever since Mission Impossible
Cruise has typecast himself as a typical action
character – the man who can hold a gun convincingly
with a furrowed brow and a voice that’s stern but not
striking. Your classic blank-slate action hero.
Which is why it’s good to see Tom moving into
comedy. Tropic Thunder was Tom’s ‘Hey everyone,
I’m cool! I’m down with it! Look, me and Ben Stiller
are totally friends!’ moment, making way for his
entry into comedies like Knight and Day where he
played the likeable comic relief to a terrible film.
Sure, the movie was bad and then Rock Of Ages
happened but he’s trying, right? Most Hollywood
greats only fall into comedy via necessity and make
a mess of it (are you listening, Al Pacino?), but Tom
is easing himself into it like an elderly person getting
into a hot bath.
I’m almost certain Cruise will age into cinema
with dignity and equally sure he won’t fall into the
trap of relying on sequels and remakes. Can you
imagine if he tried to make sequels to Jack Reacher
in his 50s? Or another Mission Impossible? Or even
more ridiculous, a sequel to Top Gun? Ha, what a
world that would be.
Edge of Tomorrow hits theatres on 5 June 2014.
TRAILER
RETURN TO TOP
he trailer to Edge
Of Tomorrow looks
pretty interesting
– in the same
way shooting a
laptop with an air rifle is pretty
interesting: a clever design gone
completely to waste and making
a mess yet somehow leaving us
satisfied and wanting to see what
happens when you shoot a rabbit
next. However, something about
it feels very generic and I hesitate
to say what it is. I want to say it’s
the beach assault, the alien war
or the whole time travel concept
(are we just pretending Saving
9. !"#$%%&'&()"*++,"-)").&"/0-'1&*2"3($1&'4&5
Words FIN CAREW
ou ever felt like you’re being tricked into
something? Like when Dettol subtly suggests
that without their product you’re murdering
your children with disease? That’s how I feel
with the Guardians Of The Galaxy trailer. It
all feels a little bit forced. First up, Blue Swede’s ‘Hooked
On A Feeling’ is now associated with the film – and we’re
addicted (or ‘hooked’, amiright?) to the track. But doesn’t
everyone remember that the only reason the sound track
was popular was because of Reservoir Dogs? Then we’ve
got a heap of other things we’re meant to assume will be
good – Zoe Saldana as ‘Green Avatar’, John C Riley as some
sort of military personnel saying not-very-military-sounding
things and a whole host of explosions, slow motion, topless
men and other cliché stuff we’re all just supposed to like.
Very little focus is given to Benicio Del Toro, which is ironic
because that’s the trick that would have totally worked
on me. Even if he’s not in much of the film – it didn’t stop
Godzilla. All you have to do is pretend the actor we all like is
the main character. So it’s all just a big fraud, right?
Nope – I’m just being cynical again. Guardians of The
Galaxy – based on the relatively new Marvel comic – is
an anti-heroic science fiction comedy with hints towards
Reservoir Dogs, Star Wars, Star Trek, Avatar, The Usual Suspects
and maybe a little more than a hint towards Serenity. In fact
you could argue there isn’t an awful lot of originality coming
Photo and trailer courtesy of
WALT DISNEY STUDIOS MOTION
PICTURES, SINGAPORE
PLAY.ENTERTAINMENT
out with this film. Chris Pratt blending the ladies-man
persona of J.J. Abrams’s Kirk (Star Trek) with the anti-hero
comedy of Josh Whedon’s Mal (Serenity) to become Star
Lord; a ladies-man comedic anti-hero. But we can forgive the
slight over-familiarity of the scenes because of one glaring
reason: there’s a racoon and a tree getting into explosive
gun and hand-to-hand combat battles.
Freakin’. Awesome. Here’s a film that
thought perhaps what we need now is
raw, well-scripted entertainment
rather than another film trying
to be the next Dark Knight.
The basic message the
trailers are sending is this,
“We made a fun, high-paced
super-hero movie set in space.
It’ll entertain your socks off! Oh
and please, PLEASE make ‘I am
Groot’ trend on twitter!” And it
will. They both will. #IAmGroot
#BuyDettolOrKillYourChildren
Guardians Of The Galaxy hits
theatres on 31 July 2014.
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Tap on the characters above
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