1. -----Original Message-----
From: Tim Celmency
Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 9:30 PM
To: Doug
Subject: Re: New job!!!
Yes, stressful for sure. 'Work' at my new job entails writing and customizing software
that powers the Navico hardware, big fancy LCD panel radar displays, chart plotters,
engine/fuel/wind instruments, all sorts of gadgets. You can route instrument displays and
live video feeds over wireless to your smart-phone or a big display in a stateroom. I don't
know what they sell for but I'm sure its ridiculous. Anyway, pays the rent.
Hopefully see you soon,
Tim
_______________________________________________________________________
So Tim:
I take your point regarding ‘ridiculous’. Novelty, desirability and must have now, are
the buying buttons for the middle classes. I am horrified that these systems you are
developing and their controls do not monitor the coffee percolator with an overlay screen
over the radar for when it drops below 80 degrees centigrade or less than four cupfuls in
the pot. I sometimes wonder what technology is failing to provide as essential
information for decisions.
My issues of display digital devices are that I cannot find a tablet computer thingy that
will do what I want it to. I spent a while at the ‘Warehouse Stationary’ doing my
ignorant, fat, old bastard routine with a pretty young and sexually ambivalent young man:
…Pretty young man: “But the I Pad has two cameras.”
Old, fat and ignorant bastard: “Oh…for what?”
“You know …face book.”
“What is face book?”
“It is a social web site.”
“So to use it you must have a camera…or two.”
“That sounds so technologically exclusive. So are blacks and gays allowed to join if they
have a camera?”
“Face book is for everyone.”
“How liberal….so why the camera?”
“So people can see you.”
“Why not go visiting?…You know, ring first, perhaps bake a cake, bottle of wine, latest
dirty political jokes, make a fuss of their pets, help with the dishes afterwards…”
“This is easier and you will have more friends.”
“How horrible. I can barely stand my friends now. That is enough to drive me to
medication. What I really need is something that runs Microsoft office, reads PDFs in

2. PDF format, reads emails from the US Federal reserve, the IMF, ECB, Bank of
International Settlements, World Bank and Saint Lois Reserve, and I can visit their
websites without going into a special application or format for an I Phone, I book, I mate,
I pad or I don’t know, and can be read in, at least, A4 size”.
“What an unusual request.”
“I suspect I am an unusual person.”
“Do you play games?”
“I thought that may have been obvious by now.”
“The I Pad allows you to write on it like this.”
The lad did an angulated flourish with his wrist over the screen. This resulted in less of a
decipherable impression on the screen than to serve to confirm in my mind that he was
either giving me a secret sign from the youth division of the Freemasons or he was
forwardly homosexual.
“So why is it called an I Pad?”
“Because it is so intelligent.”
“It sounds suspiciously...well…you know...sanitary.”
This passed completely over him.
“These devices allow you to download apps.”
“Oh.”
“Many apps allow you to play games get the weather, sports results and watch films.”
“So how does one watch films on a slate thingy that is higher than wider?”
“No problem. It has a gravity sensor.”
“Wow…now that is something useful. I stay awake at night worrying if someone has
turned the gravity off or if I have paid my gravity bill and if it is safe to get out of bed. So
this thing tells you when gravity is running low or almost out, and that I will need to get
an I Pad gravity top up card or watsit….So now I will know. So is that an app or part of
the device?”
I watched his eyes light up at his first reciprocated positive response.
He said, “I think it is part of the device.”
“So how does that work?”
He then proceeded to turn the device 90 degrees and tap the side of it. The stuff that was
on the screen which was something about, Lo Jo’s bottom and weight loss, apparently fell
off the screen into nowhere to be replaced by something about someone else’s bottom
and Michele Obama’s concern over childhood obesity, but aligned in “Landscape” rather
than ‘Portrait’. Not to be outdone by this marvel of visual orientation, I dropped to my
knees and looked closely at the floor and under the nearby shelving units, while
announcing: “I can’t find your app that has fallen out.”
Some other customers were starting to gather adjacent to us and seemed intrigued and
amused. The clearly bewildered, embarrassed and distressed lad then explained to me
loudly and in a state of some anguish that it was not lost at all.
“But I saw it fall out.”
“No, no it is okay, really…., Really, Really Okay!”
“But what if someone slips on it? It was so thin and small and glossy, it is a real
danger…. So that is a gravity sensor. I know navies used to use them for detecting
submarines. I have never seen one in action before. Just as well the cold war is over.”

3. I am not absolutely sure, but I think he was going to have an exasperated aneurism or
start to cry. I apologized for the confusion and asked, “Just one more question. Here is a
flash drive. It has, in PDF format, David Irving’s ‘War path’ and the ‘Protocols of the
Elders of Zion’. Can the device display those?”
It could not. I thanked him for his time, explained that it was time for my pill, and said
that I wasn’t seeking solutions without a problem. He wandered off with an expression
of exasperated relief, and mumbling something about, “…mistake to come to work
today…..”
You see, I too can have fun with technology. This virtual world is quite a blast when one
gets one’s head around it!
Be well.
Douglas