1. SOUTH PARK
an original script
by
Chuck Loch
"Eddie and the Cannibals
Part 2: Jesus Saves"
Chuck Loch
14314 Summertime Lane
Culver City, CA 90230
(310) 713-5480 Cell
chuck9@sbcglobal.net
WGA Registration #: 1767182

2. "EDDIE AND THE CANNIBALS - PART 2: JESUS SAVES"
ACT I
FADE IN:
INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - MORNING
TITLE - "THURSDAY, THE DAY BEFORE EDDIE'S EXECUTION"
A SIGN: "THE FRUITY GOURMET" HANGS OVER A TABLE LADEN WITH
BOWLS OF FOOD AND DRESSED AS A TV SET. TWO CAMERAS POINT AT
THE TABLE.
NARRATOR (O.S.)
Previously on South Park, the boys tried
to stop the execution of serial killer
Eddie Dwayne Macy who painted a clown at
sunrise that Kyle fell in love with.
Now, for some unusual food.
ON THE FAR SIDE, THE FRUITY GOURMET IN A FRILLY APRON HUDDLES
WITH THE SHOW DIRECTOR, TWO TECHNICIANS AND CELEB GUESTS
GERALDO RIVERA, THE SKINNY OPRAH WINFREY, JESSE JACKSON,
CONNIE CHUNG, AND WILLARD SCOTT.
ON THE NEAR SIDE, THE KIDS MINUS CARTMAN, CHEF, AND CARTMAN'S
MOM, TASTE THE FOOD IN THE BOWLS. THE ADULTS USE TASTING
SPOONS, THE KIDS THEIR HANDS AND FINGERS.
THE KIDS' CLASS TAKE SEATS AS THE AUDIENCE. CARTMAN, WEARING
HIS ARMANI SUIT AND SUNGLASSES, STRUTS INTO THE CAFETERIA.
THE CELEB GUESTS MOB CARTMAN WHO SITS DOWN, EACH URGING HIM
TO PICK THEM TO TEAM WITH JESUS.
CARTMAN
Get away from me, you bastards.
SHOW DIRECTOR
Places everybody.
THE GUESTS LINE UP ON EITHER SIDE OF THE FRUITY GOURMET, WHO
STANDS BEHIND THE CENTER OF THE TABLE.
WILLARD PICKS UP A BOWL OF FOOD AND EATS OUT OF IT.

3. 2.
FRUITY GOURMET
In honor of the nation's first televised
execution, welcome to a special show:
How to Cook a Human.
KYLE
Why do they call him the Fruity Gourmet?
STAN
I'll bet it's because he eats lots of
fruits.
MR. GARRISON
(Whispering)
Hush, children. This is not the time to
discuss Mr. Gourmet's eating habits. The
man is taping his tv show. We need to
be as quiet as boiled mice.
FRUITY GOURMET
Today's guests include several big name
celebrities. We also have, as local
guests, the Chef of the South Park
Elementary School Cafeteria, and a Ms.
Cartman, the winner of our Most Unusual
Recipe contest.
STAN
Dudes, I hear Cartman's mom won for Crack
Whore Pie.
CARTMAN
Eat me, Stan.
FRUITY GOURMET
First up will be an expert on Mexican
cuisine, Geraldo Rivera. Tell me Geraldo,
how would a Mexican cook a human?

4. 3.
WHILE GERALDO SPEAKS, THE FRUITY GOURMET ENTICES PIP WITH A
COOKIE TO FOLLOW HIM INTO THE SCHOOL KITCHEN.
FRUITY GOURMET (cont'd)
Come here you cute little English boy.
GERALDO
Mexicans know how to really cook humans.
They use lots of spices.
CONNIE CHUNG
Wait a minute, Geraldo, you're not
Mexican.
GERALDO
Excuse me, Miss Chung-a-Lung, you seem
to have forgotten the importance of
ratings. We've got to think of the
California audience. It's mostly Mexican.
KYLE
Are there any Mexicans in South Park?
STAN
I don't think I've ever seen a Mexican.
What about you, Cartman?
CARTMAN
Excuse me, Stan, but hasn't your mom
ever taken you to Diego's House of Dildos
for lunch?
STAN
No way.
KYLE
My mom won't even let me look in the
window.

5. 4.
CARTMAN
Well, we go there for tacos a lot. Mr.
Diego always calls my mom 'a hot little
tamale', and she tells him she loves his
big meat burrito.
GERALDO
There's nothing like a steaming bowl of
menudo, made with human you-know-whatsies.
And Mexicans, like me - their Puerto
Rican cousin - enjoy blood sports: bull
fighting, cock fighting, and duels -
like in Zorro.
GERALDO LOOKS AWAY FOR A MOMENT AND APPEARS TO SPEAK TO AN
INVISIBLE SOMEONE OFF-CAMERA.
GERALDO (cont'd)
Damn you, Antonio. I could've played
that part.
INT. SCHOOL KITCHEN - MORNING
FRUITY GOURMET
(Chasing Pip around a table)
When I catch you, little blonde boy,
I'll make you my favorite meal.
INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - MORNING
CARTMAN
What the hell's cock fighting?
KENNY
(Muffled)
It's like writing your name in the snow
with piss. If you write yours the biggest
you win.

6. 5.
STAN
Leave it to Kenny to know everything
about playing in the snow.
THE FRUITY GOURMET STICKS HIS HEAD OUT OF THE KITCHEN DOOR.
FRUITY GOURMET
Cockfighting? That sounds delicious,
THE FRUITY GOURMET RUSHES OUT OF THE KITCHEN AND CHASES KENNY.
OPRAH
I think I'd rather have soul food. You
know, greens and black-eyed peas, with
somebody's sweet juicy human ham hocks I
can sink my teeth into?
JESSE JACKSON
For once you said something worthwhile,
woman. How about some ribs in
Worcestershire sauce?
CHEF
Wait a damn minute. Whatever you do,
you don't want to put Worcestershire
sauce on the human body. Folks around
here remember what happened last time.
ZOMBIES STAGGER THROUGH THE STREETS OF SOUTH PARK (EPISODE
#107, "PINK EYE" (FIRST SEASON HALLOWEEN SPECIAL SHOW)).
CHEF (cont'd)
A good cut of human meat should be ground
up for sweet Salisbury Steak. Mmmm, mmmm.
THE FRUITY GOURMET CHASES KENNY TOWARD A GIANT AUTOMATIC
MEAT GRINDER.
STAN
Oh, my God. They killed...
AS THE FRUITY GOURMET LUNGES, KENNY DUCKS OUT OF THE WAY.

7. 6.
KYLE
Oh, never mind.
KENNY
(Muffled)
Woo hoo hoo.
THE FRUITY GOURMET JAMS HIS OWN ARM INTO THE GRINDER. IT
WHIRS INTO ACTION, GRINDING THE ARM DOWN INTO A BLOODY STUMP.
FRUITY GOURMET
Now I have you, my sweet. Arrrgggghhhh.
MEDICS LEAD THE BLOODY FRUITY GOURMET AWAY. BLOOD DRIPS
FROM THE STUMP, LEAVING A SLICK, GORY TRAIL BEHIND HIM.
CARTMAN'S MOM
(Ignoring the bloody man)
When I think of cooking anything new, I
think of cooking for my son Cartman.
He's the big-boned one in sunglasses.
SHE BLOWS A KISS TO CARTMAN WHO SLINKS DOWN IN HIS SEAT.
CARTMAN'S MOM (cont'd)
I think to myself, "What would my little
hon like?"
STAN
Dude. Tell her you'd like her to stay
away from Diego's big meat burrito.
CARTMAN'S MOM
So in planning to cook Eddie,
(sigh)
I had some thoughts about what to do
with his organs -- biscotti and brains,
spaghetti and liver balls, and kidney-
cream pie.
CHEF
(Interrupting)
Let me tell you some more about my recipe
for sweet Salisbury steak.

8. 7.
CONNIE CHUNG
(Interrupting Chef and
fixing him with an angry
stare)
Hold it, you big black bear. Chinese
food is the answer. Think about melt-in-
your-mouth Kung Pao Human, and Long Pig
Lo Mein, or sweet and sour white meat.
CHEF
Mmmm, mmmm, baby, I am thinking about
some sweet yellow meat; and your angry
eyes just got a rise out of me. I just
love an angry woman cause I got just the
thing to calm you down.
CHEF (cont'd)
(Singing "Bringing Down An
Angry Woman")
"I can feel you burning me with your
eyes. I can feel it from the tip of my
toes, all the way up my thighs.
CHEF (cont'd)
"I know if I touched you reeeal slow.
You'd stop hating me and start to glow.
This is how I'd bring you down and make
you free. This is how I'd bring down an
angry woman, to love me."
OPRAH
Well, I never.
SHE STALKS OF THE SET, SHAKING HER HEAD.
CHEF
And you ain't gonna ever either. You
may be skinny now, but you're still butt-
ugly.

9. 8.
SHOW DIRECTOR
Cut. Great show everybody. We're done.
TECHNICIANS BREAK UP THE SET. THE KIDS RUSH OVER TO CHEF.
CHEF
Hello, children. Did you like my song?
CARTMAN
Bad. Real bad.
CHEF
How so, children?
CARTMAN
Ever since Jesus made me his agent, those
damn celebrities won't let me alone.
Chef, who am I going to pick to work
with Jesus?
CHEF
Boys, if you want somebody to do a good
job, I'd call in a pro, a professional.
Now, how many professionals you got in
this bunch? Only two. Geraldo and Miss
Connie Chung.
STAN
What about Oprah?
CHEF
Oh Sure, Oprah may have her own show.
But, she's nothing but trash, and as I
already said, she's butt-ugly too. Take
my word for it.
KYLE
What about Willard Scott? Didn't he
used to be on tv every morning?

10. 9.
CHEF
'Used to be', is the word. He was just
a bald-headed weatherman. He's not even
on anymore.
CARTMAN
So I should pick either Geraldo or Connie?
CHEF
Geraldo would probably do the best job.
But, I hope you pick that Connie too. I
do love angry women. If you pick her
along with Geraldo, there'll be an extra
Salisbury steak on your lunch tray every
day for the next year.
FADE OUT.
END OFACT I

11. 10.
ACT II
INT. AIRPORT GATE - DAY
THE KIDS MARCH UP TO THE MAYOR WHO STANDS WAITING, ALONG
WITH THE COMMISSION MEMBERS, AT A GROUND-LEVEL AIRPORT GATE
THAT OPENS ONTO THE TARMAC.
CARTMAN STILL WEARS HIS SUIT AND SUNGLASSES.
A CROWD OF HOMELESS PICKET WITH SIGNS: "EAT EDDIE NOW! WE'RE
STARVING!" "GIVE US THIS DAY OUR EDDIE", AND "BLESS YOU
EDDIE FOR FEEDING US".
ONE OF THE COMMISSION MEMBERS HOLDS A CLIPBOARD AND CHECKS
THE PAPERS ON IT.
COMMISSION MEMBER
So far, we've signed Cheesy Poofs and
the UN Food For Peace Committee as
sponsors. Their delegations should arrive
any minute.
CARTMAN
Hey, you, Mayor. Listen to me, damn it.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Oh, hello Cartman. Uh, shouldn't you
boys be in school?
CARTMAN
Screw school. I've just made an important
decision. My client, Jesus Christ, will
do color commentary on Eddie's execution,
if you let Geraldo and Connie Chung do
the show together.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Very well, Cartman. I'll inform the
commission.
THE MAYOR AND COMMISSION MEMBERS HUDDLE. ALL NOD IN
AGREEMENT.

12. 11.
THROUGH THE HUGE AIRPORT WINDOW, THEY ALL WATCH A BLACK
HELICOPTER WITH ETHIOPIAN AND UNITED NATIONS MARKINGS LAND
ON THE TARMAC.
STARVIN MARVIN AND SEVERAL OF HIS ETHIOPIAN FRIENDS, ALL
DRESSED IN COLORFUL CAFTANS AND DASHIKIS, DEPLANE AND APPROACH
THE MAYOR, THE KIDS, AND THE COMMISSION MEMBERS.
THE ETHIOPIANS, ALL IN UNISON, REACH INSIDE THEIR CAFTANS
AND PULL OUT LARGE TAGS: "PROPERTY OF THE UNITED NATIONS".
STARVIN MARVIN
Ms. Mayor, myself and my friends saw the
commission hearing on CNN and were given
a UN travel grant. We're here to
investigate new sources of food supply
for our starving nation.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Oh, my God. You can talk.
STARVIN MARVIN
Yes, Mayor McDaniels, after eating my
fill of the genetically mutated turkeys
you so graciously dumped on us last
Thanksgiving, I vowed I would master
your language in case we ever met again.
Today is that day.
CARTMAN
Wait a damn minute. What happened to
Sally Struthers? Weren't you going to
eat her?
KYLE
Yeah, the last we heard, you were going
to barbecue her.
CARTMAN
I saw her all tied up with an apple in
her mouth.

13. 12.
STARVIN MARVIN
Miss Sally Struthers swallowed her apple
whole. Then, she gnawed her way through
her ropes and escaped the spit before we
could light the fire. A few days later,
she fled our country with all of the
remaining turkeys and the warehouse full
of Snacky Cakes and other treats.
CARTMAN
Son of a bitch. The Cheesy Poofs, too?
All gone?
STARVIN MARVIN
Indeed, they are. That is why we are
looking to Eddie to be her replacement
for dinner. But first, we must carefully
inspect his body before he is killed, to
see that it is clean and healthy to eat.
STAN
How're you gonna to do that?
STARVIN MARVIN
We have contracted with your renowned
genetic researcher, Dr. Mephisto, to
test Eddie. We want to be sure he's
free of Mad Eddie Disease which, contrary
to Mr. Jesse Jackson's televised opinion,
does exist.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Very impressive. But you Ethernopians
can't have Eddie. He belongs to our
homeless. They have first dibs.

14. 13.
STARVIN MARVIN
Evidently you do not understand, Mayor
McDaniels. It seems that eating people
is a bigger issue than just feeding the
homeless of your little village.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Where do you get off referring to South
Park as a little village. Why we're as
big as Tijuana, Mexico.
STARVIN MARVIN
But not as much fun.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
What do you know about fun, you little
starving bastard?
STARVIN MARVIN
You, who claim you were educated in the
little village of Princeton, New Jersey,
at the University of the same name that
my father attended, may call me whatever
names you wish. What you do not
understand is that we have the right to
claim this meat under the UN Food for
Peace Agreement your country's president
recently signed.
STAN
Hey Marvin, shut the hell up and come
with us to see Eddie tonight.
STARVIN MARVIN
Okay. Can I bring my friends?

15. 14.
CARTMAN
Yeah, but they have to bring their own
food.
INT. JESUS'S DRESSING ROOM - LATER THAT AFTERNOON
JESSE JACKSON, WILLARD SCOTT AND DON KING STORM THROUGH A
DOOR MARKED: "JESUS TAPES. DO NOT DISTURB".
JESUS WEARS A TUNIC, SITS IN A MAKE-UP CHAIR, POWDERING HIS
FACE.
DON KING
Oh King of Kings, I Don King, King of
the Ring, and now King of TV, wishes a
moment of your precious time.
JESUS
Oh, all right, Mr. King. But, didn't
you read the sign outside.
DON KING
Sorry Jesus, but this can't wait. There's
money involved.
JESUS STRAIGHTENS UP.
JESUS
I understand.
DON KING
Jesus, as you know, my clients here are
both ministers, men of the cloth, and
your brethren. No one's been talking
smack about them. So, why the hell didn't
you choose one of them to work with you
on the television special?

16. 15.
JESUS
My dear Mr. King, it is true your clients
and I are united in my father's word.
But, the decision was in the hands of my
agent, Eric Cartman. It was Eric who
first brought the deal to me.
DON KING
So? You couldn't diss him off and choose
those of your own kind?
JESUS
I couldn't disappoint the lad. He is
growing up without a spiritual father.
I know what that is like. Besides, he
chose wisely. Your clients are not true
professionals who would bring in the
best ratings.
DON KING
Jesus! Everything's numbers these days!
JESUS
From your mouth to my ear. Come, let us
not dwell on earthly disappointments.
Bring your clients and come with me to
the prison this evening to pray for
Eddie's eternal soul.
EXT. EDDIE'S PRISON WINDOW - DUSK
TWO GROUPS CONVERGE ON THE PRISON. IN THE FIRST TO ARRIVE,
THE KIDS AND CHEF LEAD STARVIN MARVIN AND HIS ETHIOPIAN
FRIENDS.
GRANDPA MARSH FRANTICALLY WHEELS AFTER THEM. HE WEARS A
HANGMAN'S NOOSE AROUND HIS NECK.

17. 16.
GRANDPA MARSH
Hey. Wait up will ya. I keep telling
you I'm just an old man who wants to
die. I've been thinking. Let me give
Eddie one more chance to kill me. Please,
you little bastards.
JESUS, JESSE, AND WILLARD, LEAD THE OTHER GROUP WHO HAVE
CLIMBED ONLY HALF-WAY UP THE MOUNTAIN. A MOB OF CURIOUS
TOWNSFOLK URGED FORWARD BY DON KING TRAILS.
THE FIRST GROUP GATHERS UNDER EDDIE'S CELL WINDOW.
A FRESH CIGARETTE DANGLES FROM EDDIE'S LIP, AS HE PEERS DOWN
AT THEM.
EDDIE
Hi ya kids. Good to see ya, but I can't
spend much time wid you tonight. My
appeals have all been denied and I had
to let the firing squad shoot me at dawn.
They're gonna do it on your school's
football field.
GRANDPA MARSH
Take me with you, Eddie. Take me with.
EDDIE
Get outta here ya old coot. I told you
before, I don't know you well enough to
kill ya.
GRANDPA MARSH
I don't give a rat's ass if you know me
or not I just want to die. You son-of-a-
bitch just kill me. All I'm asking you
is to tie this rope around the bars on
your window and I'll do the rest.

18. 17.
GRANDPA MARSH THROWS THE END OF THE HANGMAN'S ROPE UP TO
EDDIE'S WINDOW. EDDIE BATS IT BACK DOWN.
GRANDPA MARSH (cont'd)
Damn. Foiled again.
EDDIE
(Ignoring Grandpa)
So, like I was sayin', since I'm gonna
die, the warden granted me my last
request, a conjugal visit wid the woman
I met and loved in your town ten years
ago. She'll be here any minute.
KYLE
I'm not gonna let them do it. They won't
kill you Eddie. They can't.
EDDIE
Take it easy, little tyke. I've already
made my peace. Now, I'm just waitin' to
make another one. In the meanwhile,
I'll tell you a story about another
beautiful woman over in Middle Park.
STAN
Eddie gets around as much as your mom,
Cartman.
CARTMAN
Bite me, you asshole.
EDDIE
That woman in Middle Park, she didn't
live as long because she wouldn't love
me. You kids know what I mean? No Hoo
Hoo Dilly in the old Cha-Cha?
KENNY GIGGLES. THE OTHER KIDS BLINK AND STARE WIDE-EYED AT
EACH OTHER AND THEN AT EDDIE.

19. 18.
EDDIE (cont'd)
Her name was Laura. You know they never
would've caught me if they didn't find
my semen in her hair and on my pants.
STAN
What's semen?
CARTMAN
Those were little wind-up sailor robots
that kids played with in those days.
KYLE
What's that got to do with killing her?
CARTMAN
Use your imagination, you dumb ass. He
was playing with his seamen robots when
he killed her and they crawled into her
hair when she hit the floor.
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
FLASH BACK:
TINY ROBOTS WITH WIND-UP KEYS STICKING OUT OF THEIR BACKS
ARE DRESSED IN SAILOR SUITS AND CRAWLING IN AND OUT OF A
WOMAN'S BLOODY HAIR.
A FEW OTHERS ARE CRAWLING UP THE PANT LEG OF SOMEONE STANDING
BEHIND THE WOMAN'S HEAD.
END FLASH BACK
STAN
Yeah, they probably still had their Toys-
R-Us price stickers on, and they found
the receipt in his pocket. Isn't that
right, Eddie?
EDDIE
Uhh, whatever.

20. 19.
KENNY
(Muffled)
Listen up you turds, semen is the white
stuff that comes out of your Hoo Hoo
Dilly when you play with it too much.
STAN
Leave it to Kenny to know everything
about toys.
CHEF JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD AND LISTENS INTENTLY TO THE REST
OF EDDIE'S STORY.
EDDIE
As I was sayin', I spent a lot of money
on that girl, Laura. We went to dinner,
saw a movie. I used up gas drivin' all
around. Back at her cabin, she said she
wouldn't let me love her because I was
too rough.
SUDDENLY, A PILLAR OF FIRE AND CLOUD OF SMOKE APPEARS, AND
DAMIEN STEPS OUT OF THEM.
DAMIEN
(Gesturing toward Eddie)
How rough were you Eddie?
EDDIE
(morphing into a
demoniacally possessed
self)
I told her she ain't seen nothin' yet.
I banged her head against the wall 'til
her eyes popped out. Then, I hung her
up from her cabin rafters and took my
knife and...
DOWN THE HILL, A TOWNSPERSON REACTS TO EDDIE'S WORDS.
TOWNSPERSON
Hey, I remember that murder--

21. 20.
THE SECOND GROUP, EXCEPT FOR JESUS, JESSE, AND WILLARD, REACTS
WITH SHOCK. THEY QUICKLY BECOME THE MOB THAT MARCHED ON DR.
FRANKENSTEIN'S CASTLE. CARRYING TORCHES, THEY RUSH UP THE
HILL TOWARD THE PRISON.
CHEF
You don't have to kill a woman to get
her to love you. Here's what I'd do.
CHEF (cont'd)
(Singing)
"Tell Lara how I'd love her. I'd turn
up that fire in her fireplace. I'd lift
her up close to my face. I'd tell Laura
I loved her and stroke her body 'til it
ached. I'd put my gentle hands all over
her until her body ached. Tell Laura
how I'd love her. Tell Laura how I'd
care. Tell Laura how I'd love her.
Tell her spirit on the other side, over
there."
THE MOB STOPS TO LISTEN TO CHEF AND BECOMES EVEN MORE ENRAGED
AT HIM THAN AT EDDIE.
MOB MEMBER
He's worse than Eddie. Get him.
MOB MEMBER #2
Necrophiliac!
THEY CHASE CHEF DOWN THE HILL. GRANDPA FRANTICALLY WHEELS
AFTER THEM, TRYING TO CATCH UP.
GRANDPA MARSH
Wait a damn minute. Take me. Kill me.
Plunge your knives into me. Burn me at
the stake. I don't care, I'm just an
old man---
HE'S INTERRUPTED WHEN CARTMAN'S MOM DRESSED LIKE A SLUT SHOWS
UP TO SLEEP WITH EDDIE.

22. 21.
CARTMAN'S MOM
(spotting EDDIE)
Ohhh, Eddieee. Bllpppt.
(She throws up)
CARTMAN
God damn it, Mom. Not another one. Not
this, this, murderer.
CARTMAN'S MOM
Now, Hon. Don't call Eddie names. It's
not nice. After all, in light of the
results of Mephisto's DNA testing, Eddie
could be your father or your mother.
CARTMAN
Noooooooo.
MEPHISTO
(suddenly appearing)
That's right, Ms. Cartman and Cartman.
My research on Eddie's DNA reveals that
he is the second hermaphrodite I've
discovered in this town. Ten years ago,
when he put his Hoo Hoo Dilly in her Cha-
Cha, or visa-versa, he could have
transmitted an egg which she fertilized
with her own sperm. Then, the resulting
fetus could have grown into Cartman in
her womb. Hmmm. I wonder how many more
hermaphrodites there are in this town?
A SERIES OF QUICK CUTS ON THE FACES OF ALL OF THE ADULTS
PRESENT REVEALS EACH LOOKING GUILTY. SOME PULL THEIR
WAISTBANDS OR BELTS AWAY FROM THEIR BODIES AS IF EXAMINING
THEIR GENITALS.
A TEAR RUNS DOWN CARTMAN'S CHEEK. HE TURNS AND RUNS OFF
SCREAMING.

23. 22.
CARTMAN
Son of a biiiiitch.
STAN
(calls after Cartman)
Dude, I'm really sorry your mom is a
crack whore and your dad's a mass
murderer.
CHEF
Or vice-versa.
MEPHISTO
(Handing an envelope to
Starvin Marvin)
Here's the test results on Eddie. This
man does not have Mad Eddie Disease.
EDDIE
Thank you, Jesus.
JESUS
You're welcome, my son.
MEPHISTO
(Over his shoulder while
leaving)
Oh, Jesus, I'm still working on that
ah... special project. You know, the
one with the sample of blood I took from
that old crown of thorns you threw away.
EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
CARTMAN RUNS INTO HIS YARD AND KICKS KITTY OVER THE ROOF.
INT. CARTMAN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
CARTMAN BURIES HIS HEAD UNDER THE COVERS.
EXT. EDDIE'S PRISON WINDOW - NIGHT
EDDIE
Okay, little ones, time for Eddie to go.
It's been real.

24. 23.
HE HANDS KYLE A COPY OF THE CLOWN AT SUNRISE PAINTING
PREVIOUSLY SEEN IN THE ART STORE WINDOW.
EDDIE (cont'd)
Hey, number one kid. Today, I did this
for you. Remember me and all the fun we
could'a had.
KYLE HOLDS THE PAINTING LOVINGLY.
KYLE
(to Jesus)
Will you lead us in prayer for a beautiful
sunrise so Eddie will die happy and his
meat will be most tender?
JESUS
Why not? It's the least I can do for
this man's tormented soul. Let us all
join hands.
(Kyle, Stan, Kenny, Jesus,
Jesse and Willard all
comply.)
Father, bless us with a beautiful
sunrise...
DAMIEN
Amscray, upidstay ordlay, etlay emay
allcay ino-elnay, ouryay ilevay intway.
EL NINO, THE FOUL-MOUTHED, SKIRT-CHASING, CIGAR CHOMPING
DIAPERED BABY HERMAN FROM WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT APPEARS IN
A PUFF OF SMOKE.
DAMIEN (cont'd)
Bingo.

25. 24.
EL NINO
(To Jesus, while flapping
his arms from the cold.)
Jesus Christ! It's freezing here...
Oh, there you are, bro. Remember me,
your twin, El Nino? We were separated
at birth - only I was never allowed to
grow up. Wow. That hair. You ought to
try some gel and maybe a blow-dry. I'll
introduce you to stylist, JASON.
JESUS
My dear brother, thank you very much but
I have my own stylist, Sal, and I like
my hair long. After all, I have an image
to uphold. I get more respect when I
look like the Jesus in all those black
velvet paintings.
EL NINO
(Looking around)
Man, it's cold. Who the hell called me
up? I was having a good time sitting on
the beach with them Hollywood broads,
bringing a little rain into their lives.
HE NOTICES WENDY HIDING BEHIND STAN.
EL NINO (cont'd)
(To wendy)
Hey, babe. How about sitting on my lap?
WENDY
Stan, help.
STAN
Don't you touch my girlfriend. Blllpppt.
HE THROWS UP GREEN BARF WITH BROWN AND WHITE CHUNKS. IT
FLIES TOWARD WENDY WHO DUCKS. IT STICKS ON EL NINO.

26. 25.
WENDY
Oh, Stan.
EL NINO
Now you did it. I'm going to call up
the worst storm you ever saw.
HE TRIES TO SCRAPE THE BARF OFF HIMSELF WITH HIS FINGERS.
HE STOPS TO SNIFF THEM.
EL NINO (cont'd)
This stuff stinks worse than the stuff I
been carrying around in my diaper all
these years. I'm going to have to shower.
CARTMAN
Stan had spinach for dinner. Looks like
Salisbury steak too. And potatoes.
EL NINO TRIES TO FLICK GOBS OF IT OFF HIS FINGERTIPS.
FADE OUT.
END OFACT II

27. 26.
ACT III
EXT. SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD - DAWN
SUPER TITLE - "FRIDAY, EXECUTION DAY"
THE SUN PEEKS OVER THE MOUNTAINS. OMINOUS STORM CLOUDS
GATHER.
A WALL OF HAY BALES STANDS UNDER A GOAL POST.
A LARGE CROWD FILLS THE SEATS.
TWO GROUPS SIT ON OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE FIELD.
ON ONE SIDE SITS DEATH, A FEW HOMELESS, THE KIDS, CHEF, AND
GRANDPA MARSH (IN HIS WHEELCHAIR) GLARING AT DEATH.
DEATH HOLDS A CNN MICROPHONE, MUTTERS UNINTELLIGIBLY INTO
IT.
THE SURVIVING CLOWNS, WILLARD SCOTT DRESSED AS RONALD
MCDONALD, JESSE JACKSON, AND DON KING, SIT ON THE OTHER SIDE.
THE CLOWNS WEEP.
GERALDO, CONNIE, AND JESUS SIT IN A MAKESHIFT BROADCASTING
BOOTH AT MID-FIELD. THERE'S AN EMPTY "GUEST" CHAIR BETWEEN
GERALDO AND CONNIE.
DON CHU, CROSSES THE FIELD CARRYING A BIG BAG OF SNACK FOOD,
WITH THE WORD "POOFS" VISIBLE ON IT. HE WALKS TO THE GUEST
CHAIR AND SITS DOWN.
CONNIE CHUNG (cont'd)
To comment on this strange turn of affairs
is Don Chu of Cheesy Poofs Foods.
DON CHU
Chu of Cheesy Poofs here. We at Cheesy
Poofs believe we are witnessing the latest
fad in food fashion. It will soon be in
good taste to consume human flesh
everywhere, and we will lead the pack.
CONNIE CHUNG
Don, I heard you had a little surprise
for our viewers today.

28. 27.
DON CHU
That's right Connie. It is my pleasure
to announce the launch today of an
exciting new product, "Eddie Dwayne Macy -
flavored Cheesy Poofs". Of course the
product does not actually contain any of
Eddie's flesh. Through the wonders of
chemistry it will simply taste like it.
HE OPENS THE BAG OF "POOFS" REVEALING THE COMPLETE NAME ON
THE BAG TO BE "EDDIE POOFS", AND OFFERS A HANDFUL TO CONNIE.
DON CHU (cont'd)
Here, try some.
CONNIE CHUNG
(Eating one)
They're a little chewy Chu, and gritty.
And they smell like somebody's dirty
underwear.
CONNIE HOLDS THE REMAINING POOFS BEHIND HER, OUT OF SIGHT OF
THE TV CAMERA. SEVERAL SMALL BIRDS SWOOP DOWN SMOOTHLY TO
EAT THEM OUT OF HER HAND. THEY QUICKLY FLY AWAY, COUGHING
AND SPITTING. THEIR FLIGHT IS ERRATIC.
GERALDO
Sorry to break in on this fascinating
conversation, but it looks like another
group has arrived, and they seem very
concerned about the pending execution.
A LARGE VAN MARKED "PETA" PULLS ONTO THE PLAYING FIELD AND
STOPS NEXT TO THE BOOTH. KIM BASINGER AND SEVERAL HIPPIES
STEP OUT OF THE VAN.
IN THE BACKGROUND, THE HIPPIES UNPACK AND SET UP DISPLAY
PANELS FOR "THE PETA TRAVELING PROTEST SHOW".
KIM WALKS OVER TO GERALDO AND CONNIE.
GERALDO (cont'd)
Hit the road, Don.

29. 28.
GERALDO PUSHES CHU OUT OF THE GUEST CHAIR.
GERALDO (cont'd)
We need the chair for one of my favorite
actresses.
KIM BASINGER
(Sitting down)
Is this where Eddie the dog's gonna be
shot?
GERALDO
No, it's Eddie Dwayne Macy, the murderer,
and he's a person.
KIM BASINGER
(To hippies)
Pack it up guys.
(Getting up)
Sorry, but we don't protest the execution
of people, only animals. Besides, it
looks like rain -- bad for my hair.
LIGHTNING FLASHES. THUNDER GROWLS. THE SKY GROWS DARKER.
CONNIE PULLS TWO "EDDIE DOLLS" FROM UNDER THE ANCHOR DESK.
THE EYES ARE SEWN SHUT ON BOTH. THEY BOTH LOOK VERY DEAD.
EACH WEARS A SASH. ONE SASH SAYS: "EAT EDDIE". IT HAS A
BIG BITE MISSING FROM ITS SIDE.
THE SASH ON THE OTHER SAYS, "DON'T EAT EDDIE". IT'S UNBITTEN.
CONNIE CHUNG
While we're waiting for the action to
begin, here's some cute items they're
selling at the gate. Which one strikes
your fancy, Geraldo?

30. 29.
GERALDO
(Gesturing at the "Eat
Eddie" doll)
I'd like to strike your fancy with that
one, Connie. Seriously, the homeless
should divide up Eddie, to decide who
gets the best cuts of his meat?
JESUS
I have a little experience in that area.
Have you thought of casting lots?
EDDIE IS LED TO THE WALL OF HAY BY BIGGY AND A NEW GUARD.
CARTMAN'S MOM CLINGS TO EDDIE'S LEGS. SHE'S DRAGGED ALONG.
BIGGY
Dead man walking.
KYLE
Nooooo.
CARTMAN'S MOM
Just five more minutes with him. Just
one last time....
NEW GUARD
Crack whore dragging.
CARTMAN
Nooooo.
STAN
I hate to say it again, but your mom's
the queen of sluts, Cartman.
CARTMAN
Screw you, asshole.
GERALDO
It would take a miracle to grant Eddie
his last wish, to see a beautiful sunrise
one last time.

31. 30.
JESUS STARES STRAIGHT AT THE CAMERA AND LIFTS HIS ARMS. A
GLORIOUS SUNRISE APPEARS.
THE GUARDS BLINDFOLD EDDIE. JESUS SHRUGS AND LOWERS HIS
ARMS. CLOUDS COVER THE SUN.
A FIRING SQUAD MARCHES INTO PLACE.
EDDIE
What do you meeean I can't have a last
cigarette? You buttlickers.
BIGGY THE GUARD
New rules. It's bad for your health.
CONNIE CHUNG
Oh look. The Governor of Colorado is
coming over.
THE GOVERNOR STROLLS OVER TO THE BOOTH AND SITS DOWN IN THE
GUEST CHAIR.
GERALDO
Welcome, Governor. Because of your law
and order stance, I'm sure you're very
knowledgeable about what will happen
next on the field. Can you fill the
viewers in.
GOVERNOR
Well Geraldo, they'll tie him to a hidden
crossbar, much like your cross, Jesus,
so the body doesn't sag too much after
it's filled with bullets.
CONNIE CHUNG
(Leaning over to Jesus)
Just between you and me, the world wants
to know that if it's okay for a hungry
man to eat a dead man's body, is it okay
for a living man to give his body to
another man for pleasure?

32. 31.
JESUS
I want to make my position perfectly
clear. As I said years ago, give unto
Caesar those things which are Caesar's,
and give unto man those things which
belong to man.
CONNIE, GERALDO AND THE GOVERNOR ALL EXCHANGE PUZZLED GLANCES.
GERALDO
So Governor...about those rumors of the
private life of your privates...
GOVERNOR
Shut up funny man, or I'll stuff your
privates down your throat.
ACROSS THE FIELD, WILLARD LEADS THE CLOWNS IN PRAYER, AS IT
STARTS TO RAIN.
GRANDPA MARSH TRIES TO WHEEL HIMSELF IN FRONT OF THE FIRING
SQUAD. DEATH HOOKS HIS STAFF AROUND GRANDPA'S SUSPENDERS
AND HOLDS HIM BACK.
RATS LINE UP ON THE GOAL LINE FACING EDDIE.
LIGHTNING FLASHES. A BOLT PULSES, LOOKS LIKE IT'S GOING TO
STRIKE KENNY AND CARTMAN.
STAN
Oh, my God, they killed...
KENNY AND CARTMAN DUCK OUT OF THE WAY.
KYLE
Oh, never mind, God damn it.
KENNY
(Muffled)
Woo hoo hoo.
KYLE TRIES TO RUN TO EDDIE. CHEF HOLDS HIM BACK.
CHEF
No child, let him go.
THE FIRING SQUAD TAKES AIM FROM THE TEN YARD LINE.

33. 32.
GUARD #2
Ready... Aim... Fire.
SHOTS RING OUT.
SMOKE FROM THE MUZZLES OF THEIR RIFLES FILLS THE FRAME.
FADE OUT.
END OFACT III

34. 33.
ACT IV
EXT. SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD - DAWN (CONT'D)
JUST AS THE FIRING SQUAD FIRES, EL NINO MATERIALIZES, BLOWING
HURRICANE WINDS AND KENNY INTO THE LINE OF FIRE.
KENNY
(Muffled)
Woo hoo --
IN MID-AIR, KENNY'S CUT IN HALF BY THE BULLETS. BOTH HALVES
OF HIS BODY SEPARATELY DROP TO THE GROUND.
STAN
Oh, my God. They killed Kenny, at last.
KYLE
You bastards.
CARTMAN
Well little liberal Jew, at least they
didn't kill your friend, Eddie.
KYLE SOBS AND PULLS HIS PARKA UP OVER HIS HEAD. THEN, HE
CUPS HIS HANDS OVER HIS JACKET AND EARS.
KYLE
They'll probably finish him off next. I
can't do anything to save him. I'm just
a helpless liberal Jew. I won't look.
I won't listen. Leave me alone, all of
you. Leave me alone.
STAN
C'mon, dude. Don't take it so seriously.
THE CLOWNS CHEER. WILLARD RUNS TO THE BOOTH CARRYING A FAT
LAW BOOK, FOLLOWED BY THE BIRDS THAT ATE THE "EDDIE POOFS".
THE BIRDS ARE STILL FLYING ERRATICALLY; BUT NOW, THEY ARE
FURIOUSLY DEFECATING WHITE BIRD POOP.
ON HIS WAY TO THE BOOTH, WILLARD STEPS ON AND SQUISHES KENNY'S
CORPSE WITH A BIG CLOWN SHOE.
THE RATS MOVE IN TO FEAST ON KENNY'S BODY.

35. 34.
AT THE BOOTH, HE WAVES THE LAW BOOK AT THE GOVERNOR, AS THE
BIRDS POOP ALL OVER EVERYBODY AND FILL THE AIR WITH THE
CONTENTS OF THEIR CLOACAE SO IT RESEMBLES A BLIZZARD.
WILLARD SCOTT
Do your duty, Governor. A 1901 law
requires you to commute the sentence of
any prisoner whose execution fails.
THE GOVERNOR FROWNS AND SPUTTERS. A BIG WHITE BIRD TURD
SPLATTERS ON HIS FACE.
EVERYONE IN THE BOOTH SWIPES AT THE BIRDS, AND WIPES OR
BRUSHES AT THE BIRD POOP THAT HAS FALLEN ON THEM.
CONNIE CHUNG
(Twittering at the prospect
of skewering the Governor
on his policy)
Face it, Governor. This is a definite
setback for your law and order campaign.
Why don't you tell the public of your
new obligation?
GOVERNOR
(Looking around for advice
and then realizing he's
on national tv)
I guess, according to law, we only get
one shot at him.
ALL THE BIRDS CIRCLE OVER THE GOVERNOR'S HEAD AND ALL POOP
ON HIM AT THE SAME TIME. HE IS COMPLETELY COVERED WITH WHITE
BIRD POOP. HE LOOKS LIKE A WHITE BLOB WITH EYES.
A GUARD REMOVES EDDIE'S BLINDFOLD.
EDDIE
Now can I have that cigarette?
GERALDO
I don't believe it, folks. This vicious
murderer will live thanks to an antiquated
law. I will personally lead a movement
to repeal it.
CONNIE FLASHES HER MIDDLE FINGER AT HIM, BEHIND HIS BACK.

36. 35.
GERALDO (cont'd)
(To Connie, thinking he's
off mic)
You stupid Asian bitch. You cornered
the governor into delivering truth,
justice and the American Way back into
the hands of the Democrats.
CONNIE CHUNG
I am a Democrat, you half-breed Spic.
Ever since we got this gig you've been
trying to control me and the show. Well,
you're not getting away with it any
longer.
SHE LEANS OVER THE WHITE LUMP WITH EYES THAT IS THE GOVERNOR
TO BEAT GERALDO OVER THE HEAD WITH THE DON'T EAT EDDIE DOLL.
GERALDO BEATS HER BACK WITH THE EAT EDDIE DOLL.
GERALDO
You slanty-eyed slut. Stuff this up
your bunghole.
STAN
What's a bunghole?
CARTMAN
Shut up and watch the fight.
THE HEADS FLY OFF THE DOLLS SO IT BECOMES A FIST FIGHT. THE
GOVERNOR TAKES MOST OF THE PUNCHES.
UNIFORMED STATE TROOPERS INTERVENE AND LEAD ALL THREE OF
THEM AWAY.
THE HOMELESS WHACK THE HECK OUT OF THE RATS EATING KENNY.
JESUS STROLLS OVER TO THE SOBBING KYLE AND GATHERS HIM UP.
JESUS
(To Kyle)
Smile, my little mensch. Eddie lives to
paint again.

37. 36.
KYLE
Thank you Jesus. You know, I've learned
something today, how when sometimes we
can't do anything, we have to trust that
things will turn out okay in the end.
JESUS
Bless you. Oh, and don't tell your mother
about this. She wouldn't understand.
She's Jewish.
AT THE GATE, JESUS DRAPES AN ARM AROUND CARTMAN.
JESUS (cont'd)
Cartman, even though I can't be your dad
because Mephisto's tests show I'm sterile,
I can be your official big brother.
CARTMAN
God damn it. Oh well, I guess if I can't
find my friggin' dad, maybe a friggin'
big brother will be almost as good. By
the way, where's my ten percent commission
for getting you this friggin' gig?
JESUS TAKES A FAT CHANGE PURSE OUT FROM UNDER HIS TUNIC,
OPENS IT, REMOVES A HANDFUL OF HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS, AND
GIVES THEM TO CARTMAN.
JESUS
Okay, here's your commission. But, you're
going to have to clean up your language.
THEY WALK OFF THE FIELD INTO A GLORIOUS SUNRISE, AS CARTMAN
COUNTS HIS MONEY OUT LOUD.
CARTMAN
One hundred, two hundred, three hundred...
FADE OUT.
END OF SHOW