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Island time Casino
- 1. INT. VEGAS -CASINO TIME, BABY The MAN WHO SETS THE CLOCKS (TICKBERT) is on his ladder and he’s setting another clock inside the casino. He’s 103 years old and he has a pocket radio dialed into his favorite station (KFUX 108.9). TICKBERT (loudly announcing) I’m a 103-year-old sex man. The owner of the casino (DONGMASTER) laughs at Tickbert. DONGMASTER You have never gotten laid in your life Tickbert. I have known this because you have been in my employ ever since you were a baby. Dongmaster is 45 years old. The pocket radio, poking out of Tickbert’s suspender pocket, gives him explicit instructions. KFUX HOST (O.S.) Kill him. Kill him with the gun that we gave you. Tickbert pulls out a gun from his other suspender pocket. DONGMASTER Hey man, I was just fooooooolin’. In fact, you’ve had sex with me! TICKBERT Stop tryin’ to sweeten the deal. I will slay you for this public affront to my dignity! Tickbert fires 10 bullets into Dongmaster’s head, EXPLODING the brains everywhere. The neck stump somehow has enough autopilot to keep Dongmaster stumbling around like a headless chicken. TICKBERT (CONT'D) The head is gone but the body remains! Damn you! He RELOADS and keeps shooting, this time 50 bullets. Chunks of his flesh and limbs fall off but he still stumbles around. KFUX HOST (O.S.) Continue the hot kill. Don’t stop.
- 2. 2. Over at theroulette table, one brain chunk lands inside the wheel and is taken for a spin. The GAMBLERS at the roulette wheel don’t even flinch. GAMBLER Put it all on brains. He wins. Meanwhile, over at the poker table, a player has a bad hand and he looks over at the OTHER PLAYER in a cowboy hat. He can tell Mr. Cowboy has a good hand. He’s about to fold, we can tell. But then a brain chunk SLOPS on top of his chips! Re-emboldened, he pushes his chips (with the brains on them) out to the center of the table. He’s GOING ALL IN. OTHER PLAYER I immediately fold. The lucky player gets lots of money and kisses. The DEALER is worried about FOUL PLAY. DEALER I should go talk to my boy boss about this. He gets up to leave, but he trips on the carpet-- AND LANDS HEADFIRST INTO DONGMASTER’S NECKHOLE. With his head fully submerged inside Dongmaster’s neck, the two men’s bodies form an hourglass shape. Dongmaster still stumbles around with frightening strength. Tickbert CLAPS with glee. TICKBERT With the boss distracted, I can finally set these clocks to ISLAND TIME and get laid! TITLE SLAM: ISLAND TIME CASINO. Opening credits montage! 2.
- 3. 3. INT. TIKI BAR- ISLAND TIME One by one, the entire cast of characters all turn to camera and smile like they’ve been surprised by the cameraman. There are no other setups except for Cowboy Gambler, who does his “surprised-then-smiling” shot to camera behind the desk of a police chief in a station. THEME SONG SINGER (VO) Island time casino When the clock strikes fun Island time casino Gonna kill everyone Baby why don’t we go Grab a few mojitios Hang with the banditos At the Island time Smilin time Multiple crimes Island time casino! They jump in the air and FREEZE FRAME! END THEME SONG. INT. RECORDING STUDIO - ISLAND TIME The THEME SONG SINGER is continuing to sing the theme song we just heard. He has curly locks and a congenial smile, with headphones half-on his ears. He is FUCKING KILLING IT in the booth. His PRODUCER nods his head cooly. This is gonna be a hit but he’s made many of them so he’s only 80% impressed. His FRIENDS whoop and CHEER for the singer, pumping their fists to the tune and spinning around! They are 130% impressed! FRIEND Rip it baby, rip it! Yeah! He gives the singer a thumbs up and the singer gives him a thumbs-up back. Because this is a family show, there is no evidence of all the coke they’re doing. The singer goes for a big note! THEME SONG SINGER CASINO! Tickbert enters with mochacccinos for the whole gang. 3.
- 4. 4. FRIENDS (various) Tickbert! / Wow!/ Beep beep, coffee incoming! / Check it out, it’s the Tickster / All right man, you made it! They take their coffees and continue bopping to the groove. THEME SONG SINGER If your day is getting tricky Grab a drink and make it tiki Come down and wet your beaky At the island time Smilin time I’ll be fine Island time casino! With his fist in the air, the singer hits the final note! And with a cool synth blast, the song is done. Everyone on the other side of the glass CHEERS and HIGH FIVES. PRODUCER Put that on the radio tonight. We’re gonna go platinum baby. Tickbert shoots his shot. TICKBERT Would anyone like to have sex with a 103-year-old ma-- FRIEND (interrupting) Hey man, let’s all celebrate at the casino with some Mai Tais! They HURL their mochaccinos on the ground, spraying the liquid everywhere, and CONGA out of the room. Tickbert is all alone. A tear rolls down his cheek as his TALK RADIO BLARES again. KFUX HOST You know what to do. Tickbert looks at his magical bullet gun that barely ever needs reloading. 4.
- 5. 5. INT. ISLAND TIMECASINO - GUESS WHAT Tickbert emerges from the recording studio which is inside the casino. He sees the people partying and revelling at the TIKI BAR. From his POV: Their laughs are slowed down and nightmarish. Their teeth glimmer and gleam way too much. It is a sumptuous, youthful party world he can never join, no matter how many mochaccinos he brings. He raises his gun when-- GHOST DONGMASTER (O.S.) End the cycle. Tickbert WHEELS around to see his dead boss, now a FLOATING HEAD, trying to float on top of his still corporeal body. Despite his best efforts, it’s never really perfect -- the ghost head is always just a few inches off from the shoulders. TICKBERT Dongmaster! What are you doing here? GHOST DONGMASTER I came to congratulate you on the casino, Tickbert. I never let you set the clocks to island time before. Now I can see what a fucking idiot I was. Business is booming. Our sales of margarita mix are through the roof. And Tivas are finally the height of fashion again, the way they should be. TICKBERT (sadbert) Yes, I know. GHOST DONGMASTER But you still can’t snatch pussy, can you? Tickbert BREAKS DOWN INTO TEARS. Dongmaster’s body stumbles over to Tickbert to try and pat his shoulder. He’s off the mark and pats Tickbert’s chest several times. GHOST DONGMASTER (CONT'D) Oh shit, uh, let me try and make this work-- 5.
- 6. (MORE) 6. He floats hishead over to his body, and plays along with the body’s erroneous movements. GHOST DONGMASTER (CONT'D) Uhhh, heyyy, nice chest Tickbert. You been working on those pecs? They oughta call you Pecbert. Tickbert laughs through his tears a little. TICKBERT Thanks man. GHOST DONGMASTER Just trying to keep it going here. I can’t really control the body so I gotta flex my improv muscles. Tickbert stops crying. TICKBERT Pecbert was my true name. In Flex college. GHOST DONGMASTER Flex college? Could that be another potential Quibi series? TICKBERT Yeah, I guess-- GHOST DONGMASTER Tell you what. We try and pitch Quibi a new series about your glory days in Flex College, we get that gang over there-- He points to the Theme Song Singer, the producer and his party-happy friends, who are all still livin’ it up at the wet bar-- GHOST DONGMASTER (CONT'D) --into the studio to record another smash theme song that’s also a blockbuster radio hit, and this time I’ll coach you on how to finally score with one of those ladies! KFUX HOST (O.S.) Deny him. This farce must end in carnal completion or blood destruction. (MORE) 6.
- 7. KFUX HOST (O.S.)(CONT'D) 7. His premise to extend the show’s concept must be struck down. Tickbert looks at his pocket radio. Then Ghost Dongmaster. Then his pocket radio. Then Ghost Dongmaster. GHOST DONGMASTER What have you got to lose, Pecbert? He switches off the pocket radio! TICKBERT I want to do it. Let’s pitch my life story and get me laid-- Ghost Dongmaster’s body, however, has already stumbled away into a garbage can. GHOST DONGMASTER Ah shit, sorry, gotta go-- He floats after his body, trying to follow it. GHOST DONGMASTER (CONT'D) “Aaah, I’m in the garbage can I guess, uh, not a ghost, just a a regular guy in a garbage can--” Tickbert begins to dance. Sensuously. Fully. Completely. The theme song to FLEX COLLEGE begins, only this has a sultry sax and pan flute, and big drummms, baby. THEME SONG SINGER (O.S.) How can you measure the strength of my heart When we’re sitting three rows apart? How can I crack a walnut in my ass When I’m gonna be late to claaaass-- The drums build and build, and the synth comes in for the big chorus. But we won’t hear it because that’s Flex College. Hard cut out of this Quibi episode. KFUX HOST (O.S.) (CONT'D) 7.