1. GOOD FEEDBACK WHERE HAVE YOU GONE?
Have you ever spoken with someone in person, on the phone, over coffee or at work,
and the feedback you receive resembles them choosing between Milk Duds or
Raisinets? Or they go, "yea," "got it," "so sorry to hear your Mom died," "I sympathize
with you," "no kidding you ran over your beloved dog," "got to go," "did you catch the
latest "Blacklist on TV," "need to change the subject to a happy one," "really."
Basically worthless mechanical feedback which doesn't bring understanding to the
communication cycle.
It's important to recognize there are three basic types of feedback. 1. Inauthentic, 2.
authentic, 3. no feedback. Inauthentic are comments like, "I hear you," or "uh
huh,"wow," no kidding, really." "you have my sympathy." Many people consider
sympathy as the all time worst feedback, like eating BBQ seat belts.
Authentic feedback requires the highest form of intelligence not taught by computer.
It requires Curiosity. You paraphrase what the person tells you and use curiosity
mixed with a dose of empathy and ask them a genuine question. "How does it feel to
lose your mother?" "What are you going to do about your narcissistic boss?" "I feel
tearful for your loss. Was the casino crowded?"––kidding of course.
I recently moved to Boise, Idaho. A charming small city where the communication
culture has some unique quirks. For instance when you are telling someone an
emotional truth (such as my brother has ALS), more people then I would have
imagined change the subject without a word of feedback or acknowledgement. It's as if

2. someone was putting a new piece of gum in their mouth. Your comment is now
hovering in a sci-fi zone where the silence is a form of respect for your privacy.
When people engage with feedback that asks questions, shows understanding and
empathy it also triggers a cultural bias that you are invading someone's privacy. Some
of the most caring folks I have spoken with consider their silence as dignity and
respect for you. What they don't realize is their caring nature put into words and good
feedback is a kindness, a form of caring communication. We feel understood.
Years ago a teacher attempted to point out "Understanding," was as important as
respect, love and social belonging for people. It has been repeatedly shown in film,
books, real life, how feedback is the first curtain you move out of the way to establish
contact, connection then understanding with one another. Everyone has experienced
how couples divorce, politicians have wax in their ears and brains, and so many people
walk away from a petty interaction rather then hang in and really listen to the other
person's point of view. Listen with curiosity and empathy. Listen and offer authentic
feedback.
If we developed Feedback apps or asked Siri to teach us what feedback means there
might be a renaissance when people go from digital to human conversation with eye
contact. I believe most everyone can paraphrase what someone tells you. Then play
with curiosity and empathy and ask a personal question. Engage in making
understanding King/Queen of the communication cycle. Start with authentic
feedback. It genereates untold benefit for all.