2. Suit the action to the word, the word to the action.
- William Shakespeare, Hamlet, 3.2
I am unlikely to trust a sentence that comes easily.
- William Gass
Understanding How We Express Judgments:
We use words like clear, direct, and concise to characterize
writing we consider good and readable
On the other hand, we think that writing is unclear, indirect,
abstract, dense, and complex if we have a hard time
understanding it
However, those words do not necessarily refer to anything in
writing itself. Rather, they describe how a piece of writing
makes us feel
Here comes the problem of understanding what exactly in
particular writing makes readers feel as they do
3. Examples
The cause of our school`s failure at teaching basic skills is not
understanding the influence of cultural background on learning.
VS.
Our schools have failed to teach basic skills because they do not
understand how cultural background influences the way a child
learns.
Apparently, the first sentence makes us feel perplexed and we lose
the author`s point, whereas we would naturally characterize the
second one as clear, direct, and concise.
4. Telling Stories About Characters and Their Actions
Once upon a time, as a walk through the woods was taking place on the
part of Little Red Riding Hood, the Wolf`s jump out from behind a tree
occurred, causing her fright.
VS.
Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the
woods, when the Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and frightened her.
Most readers will definitely feel that the second sentence tells the story
in a much clearer way than the first one, because it follows two
principles:
• Its main characters are subjects of verbs.
• Those verbs express specific actions.
5. WHOLE SUBJECTS & SIMPLE SUBJECTS
GRAMMAR REVIEW
• Whole Subject: You can identify a whole subject once you identify its verb:
Put a who or a what in front of the verb and turn the sentence into a
question. The fullest answer to the question is the whole subject. E.g.:
- The ability of the city to manage education is an accepted fact.
Question: What is an accepted fact?
Answer (and whole subject): the ability of the city to manage education
• Simple Subject: The simple subject is the smallest unit inside the Whole
Subject that determines whether a verb is singular or plural:
[The [books] simple subject that are required reading] whole subject are listed.
The simple subject should be as close to its verb as you can get it:
If a book is required, it is listed.
6. Principle of Clarity 1: Make Main Characters Subjects
Once upon a time, as a walk through the woods was taking place on the part of
Little Red Riding Hood, the Wolf`s jump out from behind a tree occurred,
causing her to fright.
As we can see in the example above, the simple subjects (underlined) are
not the main characters (boldfaced). Those subjects do not name
characters; they name actions expressed in abstract nouns, walk and
jump. The main characters, Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf are only
attached to the simple subjects.
7. (cont)
The revised version reads way better because it has the main
characters (boldfaced) as the simple subjects (underlined) of the
sentence:
Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the
woods, when the Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and frightened
her.
The subjects and the characters are now the same words.
8. Principle of Clarity 2: Make Important Actions Verbs
Expressing actions in verbs is just as important as presenting
characters as subjects. The actions, in the exact same sentence, are
not expressed in verbs (two lines), but in abstract nouns
(boldfaced):
Once upon a time, as a walk through the woods was taking place on
the part of Little Red Riding Hood, the Wolf`s jump out from behind a
tree occurred, causing her fright.
Also, the verbs was taking and occurred are vague. In the revised
version, the verbs name specific actions:
Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the
woods, when the Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and frightened
her.
9. recap
We consider a sentence clear, direct, and concise when:
• the main characters of a sentence are subjects at the same time
• the main actions of a sentence are verbs at the same time
We find a sentence wordy and indirect when:
• its characters are not subjects
• its actions are not expressed in verbs
10. Fairy Tales and Academic or Professional Writing
Fairy tales may seem distant from writing in college or on the job.
But they are not, because most sentences are still about characters
doing things.
11.
As in the sentences about Little Red Riding Hood that we looked at previously,
the following two sentences share the same principles of density and clarity:
The Federalists` argument in regard to the destabilization of government by popular
democracy was based on their belief in the tendency of factions to further their self-interest
at the expense of the common good.
VS.
The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government, because
they believed that factions tended to further their self-interest at the expense of the
common good.
12.
The Federalists` argument in regard to the destabilization of
government by popular democracy was based on their belief in the
tendency of factions to further their self-interest at the expense of the
common good.
First, the only subject of the sentence, argument, does not comprise
all the characters the Federalists, government, popular democracy, and
factions.
13.
The Federalists` argument in regard to the destabilization of
government by popular democracy was based on their belief in the
tendency of factions to further their self-interest at the expense of the
common good.
Second, most of the actions, argument, destabilization, belief, and
tendency are not expressed in verbs.
The whole subject of the sentence is very long and complex,
whereas the main verb was based expresses but little meaning.
14.
The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized
government, because they believed that factions tended to further
their self-interest at the expense of the common good.
Note that in this revised version all whole subjects are short,
specific, and concrete:
WHOLE SUBJECT/CHARACTER VERB/ACTION
the Federalists argued
popular democracy destabilized
they believed
factions tended to further
15. Verbs and Actions
Readers will think your writing is dense if you use lots of abstract
nouns, especially those derived from verbs and adjectives, nouns
ending in –tion, -ment, -ence, and so on, especially when you make
those abstract nouns the subjects of verbs.
16. Nominalization
A noun derived from a verb or adjective has a technical name:
Nominalization. E.g.:
VERB NOMINALIZATION ADJECTIVE NOMINALIZATION
discover - discovery careless - carelessness
resist - resistance different - difference
react - reaction proficient - proficiency
17. (cont)
We can also nominalize a verb by adding –ing (making it a
gerund):
She flies her flying We sang our singing
Some nominalizations and verbs are identical:
hope hope result result repair repair
e.g.: We request that you review the data. Our request is that
you do a review of the data.
19.
Wesubject/doer discussedverb/action the problemobject.
The problemsubject wasverb the topic of ourdoer discussionaction.
Both sentences are correct, although in the second one, the rule for
characters to be subjects and verbs to be actions does not work.
However, when you match characters to subjects and actions to
verbs, readers are likely to think your prose is clear, direct, and
readable.
20. Exercise 1
Turn verbs and adjectives into nominalizations, and nominalizations into
adjectives and verbs. Remember that some verbs and nominalizations
have the same form (e.g.: Poverty predictably causes social problems VS.
Poverty is a predictable cause of social problems):
decrease emphasize approach appearance clear
21.
Identify the subject, character, verb, and action in this pair of
sentences:
• The design of the new roller coaster was more of a struggle for the
engineers than had been their expectation.
VS.
• The engineers struggled more than they expected when designing the
roller coaster.
Exercise 2
22. Diagnosis and Revision: Characters and Actions
You can use the
principles of verbs as
actions and subjects as
characters to explain why
your readers judge your
prose as they do. But more
important, you can also use
them to identify and revise
sentences that seem clear to
you but not to your readers.
Revision is a three-step
process: diagnose, analyze,
and rewrite.
23. 1. Diagnose
• Ignoring short (four- or five-word) introductory phrases, underline the
first seven or eight words in each sentence. E.g.:
The outsourcing of high-tech work to Asia by corporations means
the loss of jobs for many American workers.
• Then look for two results:
- You have an abstract noun as the simple subject: outsourcing
- You have seven or eight words coming before the main verb: means
24. 2. Analyze
• Decide who your main characters are:
The outsourcing of high-tech work to Asia by corporations means
the loss of jobs for many American workers.
• Then look for the actions that those characters perform,
especially actions in nominalizations, those abstract nouns
derived from verbs: outsourcing and loss.
25. 3. Rewrite
• If the actions are nominalizations, make them verbs:
outsourcing – outsource loss – lose
• Make the characters the subjects of those verbs:
corporations outsource American workers lose
• Rewrite the sentence with subordinating conjunctions such as
because, if, when, although, why, how, whether, or that:
Many American workers are losing their jobs, because corporations
are outsourcing their high-tech work to Asia.
26. Five Patterns of Nominalization
1. The nominalization is the subject of any empty verb such as be, seems, has, etc.:
The intention of the committee is to audit the records The committee intends to
audit the records.
2. The nominalization follows an empty verb:
The agency conducted an investigation into the matter The agency investigated
the matter.
3. One nominalization is the subject of an empty verb and a second
nominalization follows it:
Our loss in sales was a result of their expansion of outlets We lost sales because
they expanded outlets.
4. A nominalization follows there is or there are:
There is no need for our further study of this problem We need not study this
problem further.
5. Two or three nominalizations in a row are joined by prepositions:
We did a review of the evolution of the brain First, we reviewed the evolution
of the brain OR First, we reviewed how the brain evolved.
27. Avoiding Nominalization Helps You:
make your sentences more concrete, because they will have concrete
subjects and verbs;
make your sentences more concise. When you use nominalizations,
you have to add articles like a and the and prepositions such as of, by,
and in. You do not need them when you use verbs and conjunctions;
make the logic of your sentences clearer. When you nominalize verbs,
you link actions with fuzzy prepositions and phrases such as of, by,
and on the part of. But when you use verbs, you link clauses with
precise subordinating conjunctions such as because, although, and if.
28. (cont)
Avoiding nominalizations lets you tell a more coherent story.
Nominalizations let you distort the sequence of actions. E.g.:
Decisions4 in regard to administration5 of medication despite inability2
of an irrational patient appearing1 in a Trauma Center to provide legal
consent3 rest with the attending physician alone.
VS.
When a patient appears1 in a Trauma Center and behaves2 so irrationally
that he cannot legally consent3 to treatment, only the attending physician
can decide4 whether to medicate5 him.
30. Exercise 3
Transform the following sentences into verbal ones (you want to
get rid of the nominalizations and make the main characters
subjects); you may want to use some logical connectors (when,
because, etc.):
The loss of market share to Japan by domestic automakers resulted in
the disappearance of hundreds of thousands of jobs.
Any departures by the members from established procedures may
cause termination of membership by the Board.
31. A Qualification: Useful Nominalizations
The trick is to know which nominalizations to keep and which to revise. Keep these:
A nominalization that is a short subject that refers to a previous sentence:
These arguments all depend on a single unproven claim.
This decision can lead to positive outcomes.
A short nominalization that replaces an awkward The fact that:
The fact that she admitted guilt impressed me.
Her admission of guilt impressed me OR She impressed me when
she admitted her guilt (this one is still better, though)
A nominalization that names what would be the object of the verb:
I accepted what she requested. I accepted her request.
A nominalization that refers to a concept so familiar to your readers that to them, it is a
virtual character:
The Equal Rights Amendment was an issue in past elections. HOWEVER:
There is a demand for a repeal of the inheritance tax.
We demand that Congress repeal the inheritance tax.
