How to stop farts from stinking out the joint

1. Flatulence
Fragrance
Management
How to stop farts from stinking out the
joint

2. Bottom Burp Business
 What this presentation will cover
 Why do farts smell?
 Silent but violent
 Constituent gases
 Volume & Frequency
 Mitigating Factors
 Combustion
 Lessons learnt

3. What causes air biscuits?
 Normal part of digestion
 Bacterial cultures in lower intestine consume
remaining food matter
 Typically insoluble dietary fiber
 Swallowing air whilst eating/drinking
 Introducing more air into the digestive
tract may force it downwards
 Although most gas swallowed is burped
 Some can’t do this!
 Accumulation of gas can create
distention, and eventual releases

4. Silent but violent
 Noise created by partially contracted
sphincter vibrating as air passes
 If sphincter is too loose, air passes without
obstruction and a silent fart is produced
 Dead people fart, but silently!
 Hazardous emissions can cause abdominal
discomfort or a burning sensation
 This causes changes in sphincter
control, resulting in the fart being silent.

5. Make up of the fumes
Composition of trumps
Nitrogen
5%
10% Hydrogen
20%
Carbon Dioxide
10%
Oxygen
10%
Methane
45%
Other (incl Sulphur
Dioxide)
Totally not nicked and modified from
Wikipedia

6. Who smelt it, dealt it
 Most people fart 12-25 times per day
 Mostly at night
 Lower frequency probably correlates to more
volume per flatus
 Some people can apparently fart on command
 Who knows if this means they can actually
control farts so they don’t unexpectedly slide
out
 ‘You don’t choose the fart, it chooses you!’
 - Billy Connolly

7. Mitigating Factors
 Diet
 For the love of god, don’t eat lots of green
veg
 Avoid curry
 If you’re lactose intolerant, don’t eat
lactose
 If you don’t know if you are, now’s a
great time to find out.
 Outside
 Just stand downwind from would-be
victims

8. Torching it!
 More than half of poo gas is highly
combustible
 Fire is the solution!
 Keep naked flames away from the anus at
emission
 Due to oxygen content, it’s highly possible
for a flame to enter the rectum and cause
serious damage

9. Close quarters?
 A one-off? Use a cigarette lighter

10. Frequent? Got some folks
round?
 Mask the smell, but add atmosphere, light
some tea light candles!

11. Farting like a trooper?
 Add more candles

12. See lots of candles at
someone’s house?
 Now you know.

13. Lessons Learnt
 Farts Smell because of gasses
 Farts are heard because of your tight
sphincter
 Dead people don’t fart audible
 Fire is the cure
 But don’t light your sphincter
 That aisle in IKEA is the safest place to fart
without being noticed

14. THANKS FOR
READING
But don’t do this >>>>