Cath turned 30. I couldn't be there for the celebrations, so I decided to send through a presentation, with a vibrating present to accompany it, which was presented to her in front of all her friends by her boss and boyfriend. Hah!

1. Well-behaved women seldom make history. - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

2. Sit back, put your feet up and resume this look.

3. Close your mouth and just do it ffs!

4. Good girl.

5. 3

6. 2

7. 1

8. The Cath that I know…

9. Sometimes sees life through heart shaped glasses, despite some square shaped situations

10. But she’s also not afraid to also tell someone to FOAD when necessary

11. She’s the city girl who’ll not blink an eyelid at pitching a tent

12. But inside we know she’s really going ‘OMFG, people do this for fun? SERIOUSLY?’

13. She’s the girl who openly and proudly wears Hello Kitty slippers at home

14. ...with the worlds smallest feet ever recorded for a 30 year old...

15. Moo. Would you like some fucking razor blades with that? Who was not exempt from going through an Emo Phase.

16. And she’s not afraid of dancing in her lounge at 2am with a gay man, to 80s music on full volume (trust me, it was FULL VOLUME. At 2am. On a school night.)

17. And despite claiming to hate her birthday, turns into a 9 year old every time she has to blow out her candles.

18. Even though we rocked the domestication thing together. Despite never having groceries, but always enough penis coladas or wine for Fridays. And refuses to marry me just because of stupid things like the fact that I lack a penis. Pffft.

19. I miss you, fuckbitch. A lot.

20. I’m sorry I’m not there today, Cath. But I want you to know that you’ve changed my life just by living yours.

21. The Dirty Thirties… you haz it. (God help us all)

22. Happy Birthday Vagina-hands. I love you. xxx

23. Someone please give the woman a tissue.