Write Tight(er) 12-01-2013

Write
Tight
(er)

A Time-Saving, Pain-Free
Technique for Selling
Yourself, Your Company,
or Your Products through
Your Words

Marcia Riefer Johnston

HowToWriteEverything.com @MarciaRJohnston

Quick,

which ad would you call

concise?


What does conciseness mean (and not mean)?


How much difference can conciseness make?


In what ways does conciseness help me sell?


How can I write more concisely?



Time-saving,
pain-free
technique


WORKSHOP BREAK

Time-saving,
pain-free
technique


WORKSHOP BREAK

Time-saving,
pain-free
technique

Three-minute video


#ICCSJ2014

No

headline?

#ICCSJ2014

No

bullets?

No

headline?

#ICCSJ2014

No

bullets?

No

verbiage?

No

headline?

#ICCSJ2014

No

bullets?

No

verbiage?

No

headline?
How

concise!

#ICCSJ2014

Words Words

Word
Words

Words

Words

Words

Words

Words Words
Words

Words

Words

Words

Words

Words

Words

Words

Words

Words


What does conciseness
mean (and not mean)?


What does conciseness
mean (and not mean)?
Minimalism


Concise means “minimal.”


Not short.


Not short.
“Cut me a short string.”


Not short.
“Cut me a short string.” Huh?


Not short.
“Cut me a short string.” Huh?

Make text (like string)
as long as needed.


Not robospeak.


Not robospeak.
Push button.


Not robospeak.
Push button.
Push the button.


Not robospeak.
Push button.
Push the button.

Keep the the.


Not gutted for mobile.


Don’t think,
“Smartphone users
won’t need that.”


Don’t think,
“Smartphone users
won’t need that.”

They will.


Example


Example

No discussion
board?

Example

No calendar?
No discussion
board?

Example
Concise ≠

Gutted

No calendar?
No discussion
board?

Minimal.


Enough to meet your
audiences’ needs

Minimal.


Enough to meet your
audiences’ needs

Enough to accomplish
your purpose

Minimal.


Enough to meet your
audiences’ needs

your purpose

Minimal.

No more


Enough to meet your
audiences’ needs

your purpose

Minimal.

No more

No less


Write Tight(er): 
Technique for Selling Yourself,
Your Company, or Your
Products through Your Words


Audience needs:

“What’s in it for me?”

Write Tight(er): 


Audience needs:


Write Tight(er): 


My purpose:

Get you here

Audience needs:


Write Tight(er): 
No more


My purpose:

Get you here

Audience needs:


My purpose:

Get you here

Write Tight(er): 
No more

No less


How much difference can
conciseness make?


How much difference can
conciseness make?
“Measured usability was
dramatically higher for the
concise version [of the
website]—58% better.”

!

Nielsen Norman Group

www.nngroup.com/articles/
how-users-read-on-the-web


In what ways does
conciseness help me sell?


In what ways does
Small screens


In what ways does
Small screens
Translation costs


In what ways does
Small screens
Translation costs
Readability


In what ways does
Small screens
Translation costs
Readability
Think

usability, engagement.


“But I don’t write for small screens.”


“But I don’t write for small screens.”
Maybe your readers
see a big window.


... or maybe your readers see this.



“Full site”
view


“Full site”
view

“Mobile site”
view


Maybe your readers see this.


“But I already write concisely.”
This is your
toothbrush
when it’s
new. The
blue bristles
are blue all
the way to
their tips.

This is your
toothbrush
when it’s
ready to
replace. The
blue bristles
have turned
half white.


“But I already write concisely.”
This is your
toothbrush
when it’s
new. The
blue bristles
are blue all
the way to
their tips.

This is your
toothbrush
when it’s
ready to
replace. The
blue bristles
have turned
half white.


Visual-verbal
redundancy

Your readers want this.


Especially if you translate.

Philips Sonicare™ toothbrush

“But my stuff isn’t translated.”


“But my stuff isn’t translated.”

Get ready!


How much can a word cost?


You may be needing a loan.



6 words



6 words

You may need a loan.



6 words


5 words



6 words


5 words
1 word



6 words


5 words
1 word

Translation cost (or savings):



6 words


5 words
1 word

1 sentence, 1 language



6 words


5 words
1 word



$

0.25


6 words


5 words
1 word

10,000 sentences,* 1 language


$

0.25


6 words


5 words
1 word


* the size of a Harry Potter novel


$

0.25


6 words


5 words
1 word




$

0.25

$ 2,500.00


6 words


5 words
1 word

10,000 sentences,* 25 languages


$

0.25

$ 2,500.00


6 words


5 words
1 word


$

0.25

$ 2,500.00

10,000 sentences,* 25 languages $ 62,500.00


a word? How so?


a word? How so?
Close enough 


a word? How so?
Close enough 
Varies with the language 


a word? How so?
Close enough 
Depends on the translation memory (database)


a word? How so?
Close enough 
unrecognized word


a word? How so?
Close enough 
unrecognized word

Full price


a word? How so?
Close enough 
unrecognized word
“fuzzy” match

Full price


a word? How so?
Close enough 
unrecognized word
“fuzzy” match

Full price

Pay less


a word? How so?
Close enough 
unrecognized word
Full price
“fuzzy” match
“perfect” match
Pay less


a word? How so?
Close enough 
unrecognized word
Full price
“fuzzy” match
“perfect” match
Pay less
You still pay!

Whether or not you translate,


whatever size your page or screen,


whatever size your page or screen,
you owe it to yourself to ask …


How can I write

more concisely?


Dump these words!*


Dump these words!*
*unless you need them


Dump these words!*


Time-saving,
pain-free
technique

Dump these words!*

Time-saving,
pain-free
technique


weak be-verbs (is, was, were, will be, have been, am, are)


Dump these words!*

Time-saving,
pain-free
technique


-ly words (& other vapid adverbs)


Dump these words!*

Time-saving,
pain-free
technique


very, such, so (& other empty intensiﬁers)


Dump these words!*

Time-saving,
pain-free
technique


not, no (& other negative words)


Dump these words!*

Time-saving,
pain-free
technique


the fact that


Dump these words!*

Time-saving,
pain-free
technique


the fact that
just


Dump these words!*

Time-saving,
pain-free
technique


the fact that
just
begin to, try to, tend to, in order to


Dump these words!*

Time-saving,
pain-free
technique


the fact that
just
period of time


Dump these words!*

Time-saving,
pain-free
technique


the fact that
just
period of time
in light of, in spite of, in terms of (& of in general)


Dump these words!*

Time-saving,
pain-free
technique


the fact that
just
period of time
proverbial


Dump these words!*

Time-saving,
pain-free
technique


the fact that
just
period of time
proverbial
different (as in many different, 36 different)


Dump these words!*

Time-saving,
pain-free
technique


the fact that
just
period of time
proverbial
particular


Dump these words!*

Time-saving,
pain-free
technique


the fact that
just
period of time
proverbial
particular
verbiage

Dump these words!*

Time-saving,
pain-free
technique


the fact that
just
period of time
proverbial
particular
verbiage
any other verbiage or unneeded words that you can pitch

See be-verbs.


Examples


“Bias tape has the advantage of being able
to be applied smoothly around curves as
well as straight.”

The ﬁx might not
be self-evident.


The ﬁx might not
be self-evident.
You have to think.


The ﬁx might not
be self-evident.
You have to think.
(Not too painful.)


“A scheme of which every part promises
delight can never be successful.”

—Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice


Our IT team wants
to be predictive.


What does
the team
want to do?

Our IT team wants
to be predictive.


“Write when there is
something that you know;
and not before; and not
too damned much after.”

—Ernest Hemingway


“ There are known knowns. These are things
we know that we know. There are known
unknowns. That is to say, there are things
that we know we don’t know. But there are
also unknown unknowns. There are things
we don’t know we don’t know.”

(attributed to a one-time US secretary of defense)




We don’t know diddly—




We don’t know diddly—
except to avoid be-verbs.

Dump these words!*



Jane fully expects a big publisher
to snap up her ﬁrst novel.


Please listen carefully to
the following choices so
that we can immediately
direct your call to the
appropriate person.


Dump these words!*




Fred likes his toast very dry.


Fred likes his toast so dry.


Fred likes his toast so dry.
Fred likes such dry toast.


Dump these words!*






Do not use negative phrasing.


The Oregon Ducks have not lost a “Civil War”
game to their archrivals, the Beavers, in seven years.

Dump these words!*





the fact that


Given the fact that Joan had read up on
topic-based writing before her group
installed the content-management system,
everyone went to her with questions.

Concept

Task

Reference


Dump these words!*





the fact that

just


It's just that I just say just a lot. I just have
the habit, so it’s just hard to stop saying it.


Dump these words!*





the fact that

just



Michael Noer handed the six-year-old the
tablet. With no instruction, and never having
seen a computer, the boy began to swipe the
screen, launch apps, and play a pinball game.

Try to
focus on
breathing.


“Stop trying to hit me, and hit me.”

—Morpheus to Neo


“Do or do not.
There is no try.”

—Yoda


“When our tools don’t work, we tend to
blame ourselves for being too stupid or not
reading the manual or having too fat ﬁngers.”

—Lev Grossman, Time


In order to divert 34,000
tons of food scraps from
landﬁlls, Portland created a
curbside-pickup program
for compostable waste.


Dump these words!*





the fact that

just


period of time


Jones and
Caruthers have
worked here
for a long
period of time.


Dump these words!*





the fact that

just


period of time


In light of my lack of cash,
we stopped at an ATM.


In spite of his poor health, Samuel
attended his niece’s graduation.


In spite of his poor health, Samuel
attended his niece’s graduation.
I prefer that TV in terms of cost.


“The word of is, in anything other
than small doses, among the surest
indications of ﬂabby writing.”

—Bryan Garner

Garner’s Modern American Usage


Dump these words!*





the fact that

just


period of time



Dump these words!*





the fact that

just


period of time

proverbial


Dump these words!*





the fact that

just


period of time


proverbial


Our company understands the pros and
cons of all these different technologies.

Steve Jobs’s
name appears
on 212 different
Apple patents.


Dump these words!*





the fact that

just


period of time


proverbial



Dump these words!*





the fact that

just


period of time


proverbial

particular


Google’s CEO, Eric Schmidt,
has a particular belief that
Android’s open platform
leads to more options and
more consumer choice.


Dump these words!*





the fact that

just


period of time


proverbial


particular


Dump these words!*





the fact that

just


period of time


proverbial


particular
verbiage

We’ll throw some
verbiage in there.


Want a tip for making
this technique even
more time-saving and
pain-free?


Try this.


Another translation example


Updates are needed to your content.




6 words

Your content needs updating.


6 words


6 words


4 words



6 words


4 words
2 words



6 words


4 words
2 words

Translation savings:

!
10,000 sentences, 1 language

!
10,000 sentences, 25 languages


$

0.50

$ 5,000.00
$ 125,000.00

It’s worth noting that most readers do not want
to wade through huge volumes of information
to ﬁnd what they need.


Nobody wants to wade through volumes.


15-word reduction x 10,000 sentences x 25 languages saves ...



$ 937,500.00



$ 937,500.00
A cool mill.


This is your
toothbrush
when it’s
new. The
blue bristles
are blue all
the way to
their tips.

This is your
toothbrush
when it’s
ready to
replace. The
blue bristles
have turned
half white.


Bet you didn’t miss the
headline I deleted.

This is your
toothbrush
when it’s
new. The
blue bristles
are blue all
the way to
their tips.

This is your
toothbrush
when it’s
ready to
replace. The
blue bristles
have turned
half white.


It’s mind-boggling to consider

what TIGHTENING that

dramatic would do to

IMPROVES KEYWORD DENSITY.


Adjectives
• absolutely certain, absolutely essential, absolutely
guaranteed, completely necessary, totally sure

• bald-headed

• best ever, ﬁrst ever

• blue in color, few in number, long in duration, nubbly in
texture, round in shape, slovenly in appearance, short in
height, slow in speed, small in size, tall in stature

• booked solid

• exact same, same exact, same identical

• ﬁlled to capacity

• incredible to believe, visible to the eye, warm to the touch

Nouns
• actual experience, actual fact

• added bonus

• advance notice, advance planning, advance preview,
advance reservations, advance warning

• all-time favorite, all-time record

• alternative choice

• anonymous stranger

• annual anniversary

• armed gunman

• artiﬁcial prosthesis

• autobiography of her own life, biography of his life

Nouns
• actual experience, actual fact

• added bonus

• advance notice, advance planning, advance preview,
advance reservations, advance warning

• all-time favorite, all-time record

• alternative choice

And that’s just

• anonymous stranger

the a’s.
• annual anniversary

• armed gunman

• artiﬁcial prosthesis

• autobiography of her own life, biography of his life

Verbs
• add an additional

• aid and abet, cease and desist, pick and choose

• allow you to be able to

• always include

• ask the question

• assemble together, attach together, blend together,
collaborate together, combine together, confer together,
connect together, cooperate together, fuse together, gather
together, join together, integrate together, meet together,
merge together, mingle together, mix together, pool
together, share together, splice together

Odds and Ends 

•

6 a.m. in the morning, 10 p.m. in the evening,
twelve noon, twelve midnight 

•

and etc. 

•

ATM machine, GOP party, GRE exam, HIV virus,  
ISBN number, LCD display, PIN number, RAM memory,
UPC code—and my favorite: Please RSVP


Visual-verbal
redundancy


HA-llo. DEE-na.  
DEES eez your
MAH-ther.


More on redundancy …

www.HowToWriteEverything.com/
Annals-of-Redundancy-Annals/


YOUR

WORDS

HERE


Dump these words!*





the fact that

just


period of time


proverbial


particular

verbiage

any other verbiage or unneeded words that you can pitch

Story time


Story time
Water dispenser


Buttons

Story time

Water dispenser


Quick reference

Buttons

Story time

Water dispenser


Looks easy enough.


Concise = good

... right?


Ready for a video?


Ready for a video?
(You’ll have to pretend.)


Hey, Rick, would you bring me a glass of room-temperature water?



Rick

(Smart guy!)



Rick

(Smart guy!)

Glass



Rick

(Smart guy!)

Glass

Instructions



Rick

(Smart guy!)

Glass

Instructions

Button



Rick

(Smart guy!)

Glass

Instructions

Button

Water



Rick

(Smart guy!)

Glass

Instructions

Button

Water


Dump


Rick

(Smart guy!)

Glass

Instructions

Button

Water

Read again

Dump


Rick

(Smart guy!)

Glass

Instructions

Button

Water

Read again Exasperation

Dump


Rick

(Smart guy!)

Glass


Instructions

Button

Water

Try again


Dump


Rick

(Smart guy!)

Glass


Instructions

Button

Try again

Try again

Water


Dump


Rick

(Smart guy!)

Glass


Instructions

Button

Water

Try again

Try again

Dump again


Dump


Rick

(Smart guy!)

Glass


Instructions

Button

Water

Dump

Try again

Try again

Dump again

Try again


If conciseness doesn’t ﬁx it, 
change what you’re saying.


Think
this is
small?


Write Tight(er) 12-01-2013

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