It’s part of being human, or more accurately, part of being a mammal. As an adult woman I am meant to have hair all over my body,

1. Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Hair or bare – down there
We are meant to be hairy. It’s part of being human, or more accurately, part of being a mammal. As an adult woman I am meant to have hair all
over my body, (except for my palms and the soles of my feet which would indicate I’ve been bitten by a werewolf). And yet for more than twenty
years now I have been systematically ripping those poor innocent little hairs from various places deemed too hirsute to be cute – legs, armpits and
eyebrows. In all that time I never once cultivated my lady garden. Not once. It was pretty neat as it was, I really didn’t give it a second thought until
a couple of years ago when I decided, on the spur of the moment, feeling all gung-ho, to go Hollywood. Absolutely totally bare – down there.
The reality of waxing
So it came to pass that I found myself lying on a treatment table staring at the ceiling while a complete stranger was parting my labia. Awkward! My
teeth were clenched, my eyes shut tight and rrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiipppppppp! Holy fucking shit balls! It hurt! Not just the "stings a bit/mild discomfort" of a
leg wax, not the "ooh, won't be doing this again" of an armpit wax, not even the "bloody hell, are you fucking kidding me", eye-watering pain of
eyebrow threading. This was, without a doubt, the stupidest thing I had ever done in the name of vaj vanity. This was pain akin to proper
constipation and/or childbirth. And she had only just started.
For the next 50 minutes my complete stranger removed all the hair which millions of years of evolution had deemed appropriate for my vejayjay.
My own fault, of course, for asking for the Hollywood in the first place. For the Hollywood there is considerable poking, parting and stretching of
various bits. Then, if you thought your humiliation couldn't get any worse the question is asked "how far do you want me to go?" What she was
asking was did I want my butt waxed. Not the cheeks, the puckered bit. Nobody wants to think they have a hairy poo hole. But for me, it was a
question too far. I knew the words "anal bleaching" were just a moment away. Time to get the hell out of there!
Silky smooth
So it was awful, but oh my! The results! So smooth, so soft, I couldn’t keep my hands off it, and how it enhanced the sexiness of the oral variety.
So much more scope for kissing and licking and oh my goodness gracious me, don’t stop, don’t stop… I was hooked. I had to keep up this smooth
groove, but like a rookie I thought, “surely I can do this at home?”. Oh, how wrong I was.
Don’t try this at home
I can now confirm that a chubby girl trying to wax her own bikini area is akin to a blind, one legged man trying to hang wallpaper wearing oven
gloves. You will only despise yourself as you try to position said bikini area front-on to a mirror while pulling skin taut with one hand and applying
exceedingly high-tack home waxing strips with the other. The high-tack strip will stick to everything it is not supposed to including your knee, your
wrist, the nearby chest of drawers and itself. After a half-arsed shambolic attempt to beautify my bouf, I was left with a mess of patchy pubes. What
a disaster. Time to apply the hair removal cream.
Chemical burns
I’m not exactly sure what it was I did wrong, but I was left with the world’s saddest looking fanny. It was red, sore and oozing stuff that was sooooo
not meant to be there. And that’s how I discovered what chemical burns look like; very, very unpleasant and not at all inducive to happy smiley
“ohh, lick me there” fun times with my lover. Still, it was a lesson learned. Older and wiser and all that.
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Yeti girl
I’m still a fan of the smooth vaj, although am currently going Yeti all over for added protection against the seasonal low temperatures. Am totally
embracing the Euro-armpit, seventies-feminist leg fuzz and the full and glorious snatch-patch. And my lover just rolls with it because it’s my body
and I can hair or bare as I choose. Which is just how it’s meant to be. There will always be lovers of the big fluffy bouf and those who like it smooth
and shiny, and I say hallelujah to fanny diversity and the freedom of choice. For what a woman (or man for that matter) does with their hairy place
should always be an issue of personal choice and what’s best for them. When the weather warms up I shall trot back to the beauty salon for a
complete defuzz because that’s what I want to do. The pleasure of the smoothness far outweighs the toe-curling pain needed to achieve it.
Have fun. Be kind, be safe.
Mallory
Follow me on Twitter @mallflowers
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