Are You As Single As That Cream? is the debut from UK Anti-Slam Champion and actress Amy McAllister. The Dublin-born rising star of the UK spoken word scene writes about haggis, robots, illicit affairs, and International Pillow Fight Day. This book is for anyone who has ever fallen for a flatmate, a robot, a stranger, a pipedream, a 1948 Volkswagen Beetle, or someone else’s spouse. Oops.

2. Copyright © 2014 Amy McAllister
The author asserts the moral right under the Copyright, Designs
and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be
reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any
form or by any means without the prior written consent of
Burning Eye Books, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of
binding or cover other than that in which it is published and
without a similar condition being imposed on
the subsequent purchaser.
This edition published by Burning Eye Books 2014
www.burningeye.co.uk
@burningeye
Burning Eye Books
15 West Hill, Portishead, BS20 6LG
ISBN 978 1 90913 646 5

3. Accost at Costa
Are you as single as that cream?
Your cocoa dusting makes me scream.
I know that you’re on basic wage,
But poverty is all the rage...
And though my cup size isn’t grande,
I hope you’d like to hold my hand.
I won’t complain if you’re a flake –
Whatever you serve up, I’ll take.
You’ve got me whipped, you’re piping hot.
Barista boy, give me a shot.
To let you go would be a cream – CRIME!
D’oh! Next time...
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4. Rush Hour Crush
To the average-looking man
Of average height and average build
Who boarded the train at London.
I was the lady with a face,
Wearing clothes and being on the train as well.
We were both alive and on the train –
It was so GREAT!
Londoners!
If you have a life-affirming moment
With a lovely stranger on your carriage,
Take a risk and ask them out.
One day, your children might have names like
Upminster and Heathrow Terminal Four.
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5. Mistress
He said,
‘If I didn’t have this cold sore I’d kiss you.’
I said,
‘Is “Cold Sore” the nickname you give to your wife?’
We bought the furniture we were sitting on
And I didn’t keep the receipt.
I knew there’d be no need.
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7. Sex Panther
I’ve never seen Anchorman
But I’ve been told that I’m a sex panther.
Which I take to mean
That although I’m not native to this country,
I have in fact been spotted
In foliage near West Byfleet, Surrey.
And that I am an animal under cloudy sheet
And good to ride on if you’re in a hurry.
More Ferrell than Will, and he’s proper wild.
And sometimes a hazard to the un-medicated adult
And sometimes a comfort to the un-hugged child.
If you have an allergy
But wanna do cat sex with me,
Just take an antihistamine
And don’t operate heavy machinery
’Cause I’m not too old to do sex out in the cold
And I’m feeling bold and I’ve been told
That I’m a sex panther. Grrrrr!
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