1. 24-7Dan Lorenzo
A month ago when I was unemployed I contemplated
different careers. I thought about some of the horrible
jobs people have. I put my resume on Monster.com.
This was beneficial for two reasons. It increased my SPAM
exponentially and taught me that as soon as you mention
you’re “in sales” your phone will ring off the hook from Aflac
and other companies trying to goad you into an exciting career
in insurance sales. Look at my photo at the top left of this column.
Really? Me, selling insurance? I think not. The funniest job
title people give themselves is “Life Coach.” Dear God, please
tell me this is a joke. These psychos really find suckers to give
them a nickel so they can “coach” people on how to live?
What qualifications do they have? If they’re male life coaches
who rent an apartment above their neighbors’ garage, what
worldly insight can they really provide? Female life coaches are
just as humorous to me. I imagine they’re sad house mommys
who failed at selling real estate and wanted to do something
with their time while their husbands are banging their secretaries.
You know who should be a life coach? Me! I could tell you
how to get kick ass jobs with zero college education. I could
tell you my secret for a happy marriage. I could tell you how to
never get sick. Yep. I’d be a life coach if I could keep a straight
face telling people that “I’m a life coach.”
It’s so sad people pay for life coaches or for hucksters like Tony
Robbins. They give psychos like him their money, but at the
end of the day they still don’t know how to have normal
interactions with people. They can’t maintain a healthy romantic
relationship. Life is so f’ing simple! I’ve told you they keys to
life a million times and you guys don’t have to pay me a penny.
Let’s go over this again:
• Don’t marry anybody except your best friend.
• Don’t have children unless you have a lot of money and
you are ok with the fact your spousal relationship will
never be the same.
• Don’t smoke unless you think cancer looks fun and you don’t
mind looking older than you are and getting sick often.
• Don’t eat meat unless you think cancer looks fun and you don’t
mind looking older than you are and getting sick often.
• The left hand lane is the passing lane.
• Consider not going to college. It’s an utter waste of money
for half of you.
• Treat people the way you want to be treated.
• Exercise.
• When purchasing tattoo or piercing supplies visit:
www.PainfulPleasures.com
That’s it. Now go have a great life and let’s go Mets!
Dan@DanLorenzo.net @danlorenzoCK
-D.l.