1. Afterattendingaconference entitled,“Sex Made Simple”,Ihave realizedsex iscomplicated.No
refund,Isat throughall 8 hoursof the conference andboughtthe book.Dr. McCarthy attemptedto
make it as simple aspossiblebutanythinginvolvingtwopeople andgearsis anythingbutsimple.If you
are like me, activitiesinvolvingamotor givesyouaninstantheadache andglassyeyes.Thankfullymy
husbandcan fix anything,more gearsthe better.Letme explainhow sex andgearsgotogether.
Accordingto Dr. McCarthy, there are onlyfive gears,perfectIcan countthemall on one hand.
The gears increase ourarousal feelingstowardeachother.Gotyour attentionnow. Emoji bigeye face.
The firstgear is Affectionate Touch, nextSensual Touch,leadingintothirdgearwhichisPlayTouch.By
the time youhit fourthgearthe laughterhas stoppedandyouare movingintoEroticTouch. Final,full
throttle intofifthgearwhichisIntercourse.Simple right?Justlike drivinga Lamborghini.Eyesare glazed
and youmay needthe brownbag underthe seat.
Can yourememberthe lasttime youusedwordslike arousal anderoticina conversationwith
your partner?Howlonghas it beensince youhitfifthgear?If youdrove at that speedlessthanten
timesoverthe pastyear,you are labeled“anosex”relationship.Inotherwords,handthe keysover,
signupfora refreshercourse andthengetback on the road. Marital/Couple therapycanbe the
refreshercourse.Trainedtherapistcanhelpyoufeel comfortable drivingagain.Youmayneedamap or
evenglassestoputthingsback intofocus.Noshame inthat. We all needtoolstohelpusnavigate the
windingroadsof our relationships.
Notsure where Iheardthisquote,“Havingsex isno bigdeal,unlessyouare nothavingit”.
Sexual relationsare the waywe bondand increase ourdesire forourpartner. Most couplesonlyuse 1st
and 5th
gear,imagine whatthe motorwouldsoundlike if youhitall five.The song“Bornto be Wild”by
Steppenwolf justpoppedintomyhead.If he knew whatI know about gears,he wouldhave changedthe
lyric,“fire all yourgearsat once”to “slow downand cruise awhile,thenshift”.Hmm, maybe Idoknow
somethingaboutgearsafterall.
The importanttake away isthat sex isreallysimple if youintentionally hitthe gearsthe motor
will lastlongerandperformbetterif itistakencare of.You reallywouldn’tdrive acar withoutshifting
fromgear to gear,you wouldblowanengine. The sexualconversationisaboutvulnerabilityandshared
pleasure.Trythis nexttime youare readyto pull the car out of the garage:
--- Female reader:“Honey,Iwouldliketoshow youwhatI know about cars.”
--- Male reader:“Baby, let’sgofor a road trip.”
I wonderif thisiswhyso manymenlike cars?
If you wouldlike aone page explanationaboutthe five touchgearswhichincludesachart to be
completedindividuallytodeterminecurrenttouchanddesiredtouch, clickthe pdf iconbelow. A simple
worksheetcanopenupa conversationthatyouand your partnermayhave beenwantingtohave for a
longtime.Whoknows,youmay start to take the longway home.Asalways,contactProvidence if you
needhelpwiththe “roadmap”,we have several “mechanics”available.
Author:ElizabethHavens,MFTintern,ehavens@providencecounseling.org