Zombie Survival Guide brought to you by Ron Tonkin Dealerships

2. Fighting zombies is hard, buying a car shouldn’t be.
At Tonkin, we make both easy.

3. The best way to fight zombies is to never enter into combat with them.
Easier said than done – but when hoards of ravenous reanimated beings
are beating down your door, you’ll need to use your brain and act fast!
The best defense is always good offense, so we recommend equipping your
roof with a High T orsion Beef Propulsion System, AKA “Meat Catapult.”
Simply construct the catapult to the specs outlined below, load the beef and
let ‘er rip. In no time you’ll be chumming zombies away from your property
and over to the neighbors, whom you never really liked anyway.
B. 20-30 LBS BEEF BALL
D. LAUNCHING ARM
C. WINCH
A. TRIGGER fig 1: Meat Catapult
TONKIN TIP #35
When you go to T onkin.com, you can browse the complete inventory of
all 17 Tonkin dealerships. Plus, we even deliver your vehicle right to your
door, so you’ll never have to worry about leaving the cozy confines of your
fortified zombie bunker. That is until you decide to go for that leisurely
Sunday drive thru zombie country.

4. It’s common knowledge that zombies love fabric softener.
Following reanimation, a zombie’s olfactory sense is at a heightened
state. Zombies can’t get enough of clothes that smell like sweet
morning rain. If you don’t want to attract unwanted zombie traffic,
be sure to air-dry your laundry the old fashioned way; by hanging it
out on a clothesline.
TONKIN TIP #17
Want to keep your new car smelling new? The 2011 Nissan Quest is an
unconventional minivan that comes equipped with air-scrubbing technology,
delivering a purified, cleaner smelling ride; all from the touch of a button.
Perfect for your daily transporting of family pets, active kids, or the living dead.

5. Not everyone has an arsenal of zombie fighting tools lying around
the house. Sometimes you need to take what you have and get a
little creative with it. For example: a gravy ladle is pretty useless
on its own, but when outfitted with a kitchen knife, it’s instantly
transformed into a Gravy Ladle Bayonet. After all, nobody wants to be
stuck fending off an army of hungry zombies with just a gravy ladle.
+ =
fig 1: Gravy Ladle fig 2: Knife fig 03: Gravy Ladle Bayonet
In life, selection is everything, especially when looking for a car. At Tonkin, we
have 17 dealerships so we’re always sure to have the selection you’re looking for.
TONKIN TIP #29

6. One-thing horror movies have taught us is if you try to run away from
a crazed killer, suspenseful music will play, you will be tripped by a log
and quickly overtaken. So when being chased by zombies, don’t run!
Simply speed walk away. Zombies are remarkably slow, so clench your
butt cheeks and briskly walk to safety. Sure you might look silly, but at
least you’ll be alive to be made fun of by your friends.
TONKIN TIP #13
They say slow and steady wins the race, but so does fewer pit stops. And
if you’re looking for max fuel efficiency, it’s tough to beat the 2011 Toyota
Prius Hybrid. The Prius Hybrid boasts a combined 50 miles per gallon,
saving you both money and frequent pit stops in zombie territory.
A: EYES ON THE PRIZE
B: PERFECT POSTURE
C: CLENCHED BUTTOCKS
D: COMFORTABLE SHOES

7. fig 01: Camera
Of course zombies hate getting shot with a gun, but when the opportunity
arises to be shot with a camera they turn from meat eaters to walking hams.
Zombies love the camera so much, they’ve been known to stop mid-attack
to strike a pose. So if you see a zombie lumbering towards you, pull out
your camera and take a shot the zombie would be proud to tag on Facebook.
Wish you had eyes on the back of your head? Well,
now your car can. The 2011 Honda Pilot & Odyssey
both feature a rearview camera-parking assistant. So
now even a zombie can parallel park like a rock star.
TONKIN TIP #09
fig 2: Headshots

8. If we’ve learned one thing from 1980’s music videos, it’s that zombies are
great dancers. The repetitive beats in some songs trigger an involuntary
twitch response in the muscles of the un-dead. These involuntary
twitches, when syncopated to a beat, combine to form a dance. So next
time you’re confronted by a hoard of zombies, bring your boom box and
plenty of D batteries, then prepare to see some “thriller” dance moves.
TONKIN TIP #89
If you’re looking for a killer factory sound system, you need
to hear the audio nirvana that is the 2011 Audi A8. Featuring
a Bang & Olufsen Advanced Sound System, the Audi A8 has
audiophiles drooling and zombies lumbering for the dance floor.

9. Y ou’re not always going to be able to fig 1: TAKE A SLICE OF Bologna & FOLD
fight zombies, and constantly running
from them will only tire you out in the
long run. So when you can’t beat ‘em,
join ‘em. Follow the steps outlined here
to construct a convincing zombie mask
using only a slice of bologna. Simply
apply the Meat Mask, walk with a limp
and you’re ready to blend in with the fig 2: BITE TWO HOLES AS SHOWN
un-dead. It’s just like mom always used
to say, “One man’s bologna sandwich is
another man’s meat mask.”
For the times you feel like stepping out
and being seen, the stylish Fiat 500 is for
you. Don’t let its size fool you; it’s small
but scrappy. The Fiat’s short wheelbase
fig 3: OPEN & FOLD IN HALF
and oversized wheels are sure to keep
you planted firmly on the ground, even
while tearing around corners in your Bite Horizontally
ridiculous bologna mask.
TONKIN TIP #07
fig 4: INSTANT Meat Mask
fig 5: NOW ASSIMILATE*
*Please do not drive while wearing mask

10. Sure, playing with zombies can be fun during the week. But when the
weekend hits, you just want to get away. So head for the water, because
zombies are notoriously awful swimmers—only mastering the dead man’s
float. When you want to escape the madness, strap on your floaties, hop
in a boat and set sail for the sunset.
fig 1: Soaking up the Sun
fig 2: Perfecting the Dead Man’s Float
TONKIN TIP #22
Whether you’re hauling boats, trailers, or just hauling ass away from a zombie
apocalypse—if you’re looking for best in its class towing capacity, then look no
further than the Dodge Ram 3500. With more than 16,000 pounds of towing
capacity, the Dodge Ram out-tows its competition by more than 2,000 pounds.

11. It’s likely that when Z-Day hits, the zombie infestation will cause
power grids to become overloaded, resulting in a worldwide blackout.
Thus rendering your home security system totally obsolete. That’s
ok, it just means it’s time to get medieval. We suggest equipping all
home entry points with tin bucket and marble booby-trap technology
(see diagram). Primitive? Y Effective? Y
es. es.
fig 1: FALLING Bucket DISORIENTS ZOMBIE
fig 2: Marbles ARE RELEASED CAUSING SLIPPAGE
A zombie attack can happen at any moment, so when
TONKIN TIP #18
looking for your next car, it’s important to keep safety in
mind. The 2011 Chevy Cruze is protected by OnStar®
and comes equipped with 10 air bags, standard. The
Cruze is designed to offer continuous protection, so
if you happen to run into a zombie herd along the way,
you can take comfort in knowing you’ll be safe.

12. At T onkin, we’re all about providing as effortless a car buying
experience as possible. From the ease of ordering your car
online from one of our 17 dealerships at T onkin.com, to having
your new vehicle delivered to your door, to providing you
with all the skills you need to know to thwart a zombie attack.
At T onkin we make buying a car easy.