Two friends, Eileen and Bridie, gossip over the garden gate about local happenings. They make plans to attend a show together. Meanwhile, Eileen's son Aidan meets up with his friends at the pub. During their conversation, Sean embarrassingly reveals he mistakenly tried to engage in a sexual act with Mikey's wife. Their discussion is interrupted when Mikey and Aidan realize the truth and humor ensues. Later, the friends have a physical confrontation outside while dressed in mascot costumes for their jobs, resulting in injuries.

1. The Craic
1 EXT.
We see two middle aged ladies chatting in the garden over the garden gate.We catch them
mid gossip.
EILEEN
…so I said “you shouldn’t be wearing a leather jacket
at your age because you can’t tell where the leather
ends and the skin starts”.
BRIDIE
(laughs)…that’s what I love about you Eileen.You
Tell it how it is.
EILEEN
Speaking of telling it how it is,I made a batch of fruit
loaves the other day for the family and there were 2
left over so I sliced them up and put them on a little
table here by the gate with an honesty box.Some
Cheeky fecker put a note in it which read-a bit too
dry could do with more fruit.
BRIDIE
(laughing again)Well,they were honest.Oh,I almost
forgot.I’ve got us 2 tickets to see that new show at
The Gaeity…what’s it called now…?
EILEEN
“LEGS AKIMBO?I DON’T THINK SO”
BRIDIE
Yes!That’s the one.It looks great.
EILEEN
Great.When’s it on?
BRIDIE
Saturday,8 o’clock.Can you come?
EILEEN

2. Definitely.How much do I owe you?
BRIDIE
Ah,don’t worry yourself.It’s my treat,besides,I got
the tickets cheap because the only seats available had
a restricted view.
Bridie looks over Eileen’s shoulder in the direction of the front door.
BRIDIE
Here comes your boy.Looks like he’s going out.
Eileen turns around and gives her son a hug and plants a kiss on his cheek.
AIDAN
Hiya Bridie.I’m off out Ma.
EILEEN
Where are you going to?
AIDAN
I’m off to the pub.I’m meeting the lads.
EILEEN
Well you just be careful.Don’t be getting into trouble
with those mates of yours.Especially that Sean.He’s an
Awful eejit.
AIDAN
Ma!I’m 32!
EILEEN
Just don’t do anything stupid.It took me ages to calm
Your dad down after he found that goat in his shed.
Have you got clean pants on?
AIDAN
32 Ma!!!
EILEEN
Alright so…I’ll see you later then…
Aidan walks off down the street watched by Eileen and Bridie
EILEEN
…and don’t be bringing any live stock home!

3. Aidan waves without looking back.He is busy texting on his phone and crosses the
road.A mobile library comes out of ’nowhere’ and knocks him over.
He is lying in the road holding his knee and shouting in pain.
The driver jumps out and rushes round to the front of the vehicle.The driver looks at
Aidan,points to the words mobile library,puts his index finger to his lips…
DRIVER
Ssshhhhhh!
2 INT.
Aidan is in the pub with the ‘lads’. He has his knee bandaged and a crutch. The pub is
quiet with just a few regulars having an afternoon pint.
AIDAN
So,Mikey, how’s the baby doing?
MIKEY
He’s great at.A right little bruiser.
AIDAN
And the missus?
MIKEY
She’s good too.Just knackered.He eats like a horse.He
weighed 11lb when he was born.
AIDAN
Shite! He’ll be walking before her!
SEAN
(laughing) So,were you there when he was born?
MIKEY
Course I was. I wouldn’t have missed it for the
world.
SEAN
So…did you see him come out? You know…
down the business end like?
MIKEY
(the sound of fear comes over his voice) I did see
Him come out,yeah.

4. AIDAN
Jesus! What was that like?
MIKEY
Like watching my favourite pub burn down.
Aidan and Sean are laughing.
The friends continue drinking their pints when a man in a wheelchair goes towards the
double doors and is clearly stuggling to open them and get himself out.
The lads jump up and rush to help.
SEAN
Hang on a minute fella. We’ll open them for you.
MAN
Ah thanks lads.
Sean and Aidan fling open the doors and fail to notice that a ginger bearded dwarf in a
green tracksuit is on his way in.The doors knock the dwarf flying. This goes unnoticed by
the lads as they let the man in the wheelchair out and return to their drinks. Out of the
window we can see the dwarf being helped up. He wanders off looking dazed rubbing his
head.
AIDAN
So, Sean,how’s the dogging going ?
MIKEY
(almost choking on his drink) What!!!?
AIDAN
Sean’s taken up dogging.He reckons since his porn
subscription was cancelled it’s a good substitute…
and it’s free.
Sean is nodding in agreement.
SEAN
It’s not going too well actually.I’m thinking of
giving it up and getting my porn channels back.
MIKEY
How are you gonna do that when you don’t have any
moolah?
AIDAN

5. Yeah,you aint got a job ye feckin layabout.
SEAN
Well that’s where your’e wrong.I’ve got a nice
little earner lined up for a few days next week.
MIKEY
Doing what?
SEAN
Er…head of marketing…and if it goes well it’s
gonna be permanent.
AIDAN
Good on you bud.So what’s going on with the
dogging?
SEAN
Er…I don’t really want to talk about it.
Suddenly Mikey and Aidan are intrigued and edge closer on there chairs.
AIDAN
How so?
SEAN
Well the other day I pulled up in a layby and there
was another car already there so I thought aye aye,
we’re on!
AIDAN and MIKEY
(leaning in) Yeeeees…
SEAN
So I got out and walked over to the other car…
before I go any further you have to understand
that the windows were a bit steamed up.
AIDAN
The plot thickens…
SEAN
So,anyway, I tapped on the drivers side window
and a hand from inside wiped the condensation
away…

6. MIKEY
Naturally.
SEAN
…and I was just about to get my old lad out…
MIKEY
Yeeees…
SEAN
…when I realised it was a woman breastfeeding
a really big baby.
Mikey and Aidan burst out laughing.Mikey suddenly stops…
MIKEY
Hang on a feckin minute. What make was the car?
SEAN
Ummm…I dunno…a red estate type thing…
AIDAN
Hey, Mikey.Don’t you have a red estate car?
Mikey looks like he’s just been slapped in the face with a wet cod.He suddenly has a
flashback from earlier in the day.
CUT TO
Mikey is sat on the sofa at home playing ’call of duty’.Anna his missus is stood behind
him holding a huge crying baby.She is talking to him over the noise of the baby and the
game.He is not listening.
ANNA
Mikey are you listening to me?
MIKEY
No…er yeah…what did you say?
ANNA
I said I was out shopping today and Finn got hungry
so I had to stop in a layby to feed him…Mikey!
MIKEY
I’m listening…you had to feed the baby…

7. ANNA
In a layby…had to get my boob out…
MIKEY
Yeah well.if he’s hungry he won’t wait…bollocks!
Why does my man keep crouching down?Get up
you lazy fecker…
ANNA
So I had my boob out and guess who I saw?
MIKEY
Get up you little bollocks!
ANNA
I give up! We’re off to baby group.I get more
sense out of a bunch of 3 month olds and they sit
In their own poo!
MIKEY
Yeah…see you later love…I’m meeting the
lads for a few pints…get up you shite!
Anna and the baby have leave.She slams the door behind her.Mikey is oblivious.
CUT BACK TO
Mikey is sat open mouthed.The look of horror is etched on his face.
AIDAN
Holy shite Sean! You’ve tried to dog Mikey’s
Missus!(he is laughing uncontrollably now)
Sean and Mikey are not laughing. An awkward silence descends. The silence is broken
when Mikey stands up from his chair.
MIKEY
(still in shock) another pint lads?
SEAN and AIDAN
Yes.Lets.
Mikey goes to the bar still in a state of shock and slightly disturbed by his friend’s
revelation.
AIDAN

8. (quietly) So.Sean…was she…you know (makes big
boobs sign with his hands)
SEAN
Feckin huge!
MIKEY
I heard that you pricks!
Aidan and Sean snigger.
3 INT.
Eileen and Bridie are being shown to their seats by a young usherette in the theatre.They
make themselves confortable.
EILEEN
These seats aren’t half bad Bridie.We’ve got a
perfect view of the stage here.I thought there
might be a great feckin pillar in the way or
something-you know cos’ the tickets said
restricted view and all.
BRIDIE
I know! Great isn’t it.Ten Euro was a real bargain.
Did I tell you our Heidi got engaged at the week-
end?
EILEEN
No!
BRIDIE
Yes,last weekend.She’s coming over tomorrow to
show off the ring.
EILEEN
Ah,that’s great news Bridie.
They settle in and get out a flask and some biscuits. The lights go down and the curtains
go up.The music starts and at that moment a large usher with a small torch makes his way
over to where our ladies are sitting and stands right in front of them.They look at each
other and strain to look around the usher at the show.
BRIDIE
Ah,shite!

9. 4 INT.
Aidan and Mikey are sat in a burger joint having a bite to eat.They are sat in window
seats.Outside we can see a man dressed as a giant hotdog handing out leaflets and another
dressed as a giant carrot doing the same.They go unnoticed by Aidan and Mikey.
AIDAN
(taking a bite of his burger) that is the nicest burger
I’ve ever had…so are you talking to Sean yet?
MIKEY
Suppose so.I hav’nt seen him since the other night.
Where is he anyhow?
AIDAN
He’s working.That marketing job he was on about.
He’s on a 3 day trial and if he does alright he’ll get
taken on permanent like.
MIKEY
About time he got a job.So getting his porn re-
instated isn’t just a pipe dream then?
AIDAN
(laughs) yeah,no more getting his lad out in car
parks.
The pair tuck into their food meanwhile outside there is a confrontation between the
hotdog and the carrot.
5 EXT.
We now see that the man in the hotdog suit is Sean.He is shoving the man in the carrot in
the chest.
SEAN
Why don’t you just feck off with your shitey healthy
bollocks.This is my patch you great eejit!
CARROT
Whaddya mean your patch.It’s a free country.I can
hand out my leaflets where I like.What the shite are
You supposed to be anyway?
SEAN

10. I’m a hotdog dickhead! What are you? A giant
orange nob?
CARROT
A carrot and who do you think you are calling
dickhead you prick!
SEAN
(he shoves the carrot again)feck off!
CARROT
(he shoves Sean back) you feck off!
A full blown fight breaks out between the pair.A small crowd gathers.Leaflets blow
everywhere.Sean wrestles the carrot to the floor but not for long.The carrot jumps up and
gets Sean in a headlock.He then rushes him forward towards the burger joint.He slams his
face repeatedly into the window while Sean is trying to punch him in the head.Aidan and
Mikey see what is going on,look at each other in disbelief then rush out to help their
friend.They both dive on the carrot.
6 EXT.
The 3 lads are now sat outside a coffee shop.Sean is still in his hotdog outfit but it is
ripped and dirty.Aidan has a black eye and Mikey has a cut lip.They are drinking a coffee
and having a cigarette.
AIDAN
Well lads,it’s not everyday you get your head
kicked in by a carrot eh?
SEAN
I could have had him you know.He took me
by surprise.
MIKEY
By ’surprise’ do you mean he was whooping yer
arse?
SEAN
How was I supposed to know he was ex R.U.C?He
was dressed as a feckin vegetable!
Sean looks himself up and down.
CONTIN…
You know, when I took up dogging and wanted to

11. see a sausage in between two baps this wasn’t exactly
what I had in mind.
Aidan and Mikey laugh at Sean.
SEAN
Mikey I’m really sorry about what happened man.
MIKEY
I don’t want to hear of it again…we must
Never speak of it…understand?
SEAN
But I….
MIKEY
Sssh!
SEAN
B…
MIKEY
Sssh!
AIDAN
Christ,my eye hurts…hang on…what’s that
fella up to over there?
Aidan indicates to a delivery man who is looking in through the window of the adjacent
resteraunt.He has a sack barrow piled high with boxes.He knocks on the door-nothing.He
knocks again-nothing.The 3 friends watch intrigued.The delivery man then proceeds to
walk the length of the reteraunt windows tapping on them with his keys in a desperate
attempt to get the owners attention.This continues for a minute or two,still watched by the
lads.
SEAN
He’s the worst feckin window cleaner I’ve ever seen
The lads laugh together
Across the road from the coffee shop is the National Leprechaun Museum.
The lad’s attention is drawn to it as a scuffle develops outside the entrance.A large gent
dressed in jeans and a black t-shirt with National Leprechaun Museum emblazened on the
back has a ginger,bearded dwarf wearing a green tracksuit in a headlock.The man throws
him out onto the street.It is the same dwarf from the pub.

12. MAN
And stay out you piss taking wanker!
DWARF
(in Latvian accent)Hey! I not taking piss. I on
holidays!
MAN
Feck off!
7 EXT
Eileen is busy scrubbing her front door step when Bridie rushes up the path waving her
arms.
BRIDIE
(very excitable)Eileen!Eileen!Eileen!
EILEEN
What on earths the matter Bridie?
BRIDIE
I’ve seen the ring!I’ve seen the ring!
EILEEN
So have I.I wish that feckin builder would pull
his trousers up!
She indicates across the road where the adjacent house has scaffolding up.There are two
builders,a youngish one and an older fatter one with very obvious builder’s arse.
BRIDIE
(she looks across and instantly wishes she hadn’t)
Oh! Sweet baby jaysus and the orphans!
(she shouts across at the builders) Pull yer jeans
Up you scruffy shite!
The builder can’t hear her because of the loud drilling but then he sees her gesticulating
at him.
BUILDER 1
(cups hand to ear) I can’t hear you…What?!
BRIDIE
Pull your jeans up.We can see yer arse!

13. BUILDER 1
(shouting) What?!
BRIDIE
Yer arse! We can see it!
She attempts to mime to him by grabbing her own arse and pointing to him.The builder is
watching her intently then turns around to face Bridie grabbing his crotch and thrusting it
in her direction.
BRIDIE
The filthy bugger!
EILEEN
(laughing) You know what,that reminds me.The
other day I decided to go for a bit of a ramble
with the dog,you know,when it wasn’t raining.
BRIDIE
When was that then?
EILEEN
About 4 o’clock on a Tuesday.
BRIDIE
Ah yes,I remember it well.I wrote it on the
calender-Tuesday,4 o’clock-it didn’t rain.
(chuckles to self)
EILEEN
Anyway,I drove up to the woods,parked up
and we had a lovely walk.I took a picnic and
everything.It was a lovely couple of hours.Well,it
started to get dark so we headed back to the car.I’d
brought a flask of soup.
BRIDIE
Tomato?
EILEEN
Yes.
BRIDIE
Grand.

14. EILEEN
So,I’d put the dog in the boot with a towel to lie
on and I got in the front,pushed the seat back,radio
on and poured myself some soup.It was piping hot so I
sat the cup on the dash to cool while I reclined back
and listened to ’you and yours’.I must have dozed
off for a few minutes cos’ when I woke up the
windows had all steamed up-you know with the dog
bouncing about and panting in the back.
BRIDIE
Ah lovely.Peace and quiet.
EILEEN
Well you’d think so.I sat up and wiped the
condensation off the window with the sleeve off
my cardi and…(crosses herself)
BRIDIE
Oh Jesus!What?
EILEEN
There he was.
BRIDIE
Who?
CUT TO
Eileen wipes steam off the drivers side window and comes face to face with Sean.She
screams.He screams.
CUT BACK TO
EILEEN
That feckin eejit Sean!
BRIDIE
What was he doing?
EILEEN
Pulling the feckin middle out of hisself that’s what!
BRIDIE
The dirty shite!

15. 8 INT.
We are in the kitchen of the house across the road with the scaffolding up.There is a bit of
sporadic drilling noise from the builders.The lady inside is making herself a cup of
tea.Her little dog goes to the front door and asks to go out.She opens the door and the dog
runs out.She sits down at the kitchen table with her cup of tea and a magazine.A few
seconds later,unnoticed by the lady,we see the dog go by the kitchen window about 2
metres up on the scaffolding platform.
9 EXT.
The builders on the scaffold are attempting to have a conversation over the noise of the
drilling.
BUILDER 2
…so I said to her get a grip on this and…
(loud drilling noise)…on yer face.She said if you
Do I’ll …(loud drill noise)…and you won’t
Walk right for a week…(loud drill noise)
10 EXT.
We see a ginger bearded dwarf walk past pulling a suitcase behind him.He has a
bandaged head and his arm is in a sling.He then gets chased down the road by the small
dog.
END