We've all done bad sales presentations. I mean, I literally sent someone to sleep once. But finally, I think I've made the worst one ever.

1. THE WORLD’S WORST
SALES PRESENTATION

2. I’VE USED YOUR LOGO ‘COS I CARE
I put your logo and our logo on
the title page right next to each
other, what more do you want?
Also, no pressure but do you think
we’re becoming best friends? Is it
too soon? It’s too soon isn’t it?

3. DAMN RIGHT I’M TAKING A FULL HOUR
Face it. In a fleeting moment of
weakness, you actually agreed to a
meeting and now there’s no way out.
I’m going to make the most of this,
unless you manage to fake a pretty
fucking convincing heart attack.

4. THIS ELEVATOR PITCH COST $$$
We spent 6 months on this, so
I have to say we’re innovative
and market-leading or the head
of marketing has promised to
hunt me down and hurt me bad.

5. BUT FIRST LET’S TALK ABOUT US
I’m going to give you the entire
history of our company from
Day One and so help me God
you’re gonna listen.
You’re gonna listen real nice.

6. NO SERIOUSLY, WE’RE INCREDIBLE
Try not to die of boredom while
I list out reasons we’re so great.
Hey! Stop day-dreaming about how
awesome it would be to know a
friendly shark who wears a tuxedo.

7. “CUSTOMER” LOGOS FTW
Oh snap! Look at these logos of
massive companies we’ve
definitely got as customers.
Please silently accept most of
these logos won’t be in the version
of the deck I send you later.

8. I DON’T HAVE QUITE WHAT YOU WANT
Here are all the features of
a product that can almost
do what you want it to.
Yeah yeah, that missing thing
you actually need is definitely
in the roadmap for Q4.

9. WHAT ABOUT THIS INSTEAD?
I know you don’t need this other
product and couldn’t care less
about it, but it’s in the slide deck
so what do you expect me to do?
Not tell you all about it in
excruciating detail? Pffffft.

10. OMG I’M STILL TALKING
Wait, there’s more stuff you don’t
need. Luckily for you it only takes
10 minutes to explain.
Seriously, it’s like I’m trying
to lose the sale.

11. CHAAAAAAAAAARTS
Lines! Bars! Pies! Dashboards!
Honestly I’ve got no bloody
clue what any of these easily
disprovable statistics mean.

12. NONE OF THAT OBJECTION SHIT
I’ll pretend to listen to your clearly
reasonable objections.
But honestly, if I talk for long
enough, I reckon I can probably
just change the subject.

13. SLEEPY TIME
Oh no, your eyes have glazed over.
I better ask some questions and
hope you’re so desperate for this
to end that you just agree with me
and I can start talking again.

14. I PANICKED AND STUCK THIS IN
I added this in 5 minutes before
the meeting and now that I look
at it, I realise it’s utter bollocks.
Let’s just get through it and
pretend like it never happened.

15. WTF IS THIS SLIDE ABOUT?
I don't remember this bastard
slide ever being in my deck
before and it’s totally thrown me.
Never mind, I’ll just read it word
for word and try to style it out.

16. 100% REAL CASE STUDY
I can’t tell you the name of this
totally real client, who you don’t
know but she lives in Canada so
you wouldn’t have met her.
But man, look at her results!

17. PLEASE DON’T HAVE QUESTIONS
We both want this to be over and
my back is just a river of sweat.
Whatever you ask I’ll know, but
still blank on and have to get back
to you with an answer later.

18. I’LL FORGET TO DO THIS SLIDE
I’ll completely forget to ask for the
next step in the deal.
But back at the office this will turn
into yet another meeting where I
crushed it, bro.

19. WE MADE IT!
Well, that’s an hour of our lives
we’re never getting back.
Now let's say goodbye, pretend not
to have forgotten each other’s names
and never speak of this again.