This summary provides the key details about Amy Diamond's experience with her boss:
- Amy Diamond, a public relations staffer, expressed doubts to her boss about completing an upcoming press conference on a tight deadline. Her boss reprimanded her for lacking "inner strength" and said her insecurity would hinder her career.
- Diamond has successfully managed many complex assignments in the past. However, her boss now doubts her abilities despite her accomplishments.
- The article argues that women are often socialized to be modest about their skills and express job-related anxieties openly, which can be misinterpreted as incompetence, especially in male-dominated workplaces. It provides strategies for Diamond to regain her boss
I hear it over and over again: “I can’t network. I’m an introvert.” “I don’t know what to say.” “I don’t want to brag.” A lot of people don’t like networking, but the bulk of them seem to be introverts.
Hearing it through the grapevine: Positive and negative workplace gossip - s...Sadaf Alidad
a review on the article "Hearing it through the grapevine:
Positive and negative workplace gossip " for HRM class , MBA course, Alzahra University of Tehran, Nov 2016
I hear it over and over again: “I can’t network. I’m an introvert.” “I don’t know what to say.” “I don’t want to brag.” A lot of people don’t like networking, but the bulk of them seem to be introverts.
Hearing it through the grapevine: Positive and negative workplace gossip - s...Sadaf Alidad
a review on the article "Hearing it through the grapevine:
Positive and negative workplace gossip " for HRM class , MBA course, Alzahra University of Tehran, Nov 2016
Todos definimos el éxito de diferente manera. Para algunos tener éxito significa comprar un auto nuevo, prever de mejores cosas a la familia o tener el mejor trabajo. El éxito es la meta que uno se propone en la vida, pero siguiendo un plan para llegar a esa meta.
Todas las personas desean tener éxito en su vida, es por ello que se esfuerzan para poder triunfar y ser exitosos. Sigue estas claves que te permitirán lograr el éxito en tu vida.
Gender bias is holding women back in the workplace. Whether deliberate or unconscious, bias makes it harder for women to get hired and promoted and negatively impacts their day-to-day work experiences. This hurts women and makes it difficult for companies to level the playing field.
This presentation gives people the tools to address gender bias head-on.
How to Manage Someone You Don’t Likeby Amy Gallo 1100 AM A.docxadampcarr67227
How to Manage Someone You Don’t Like
by Amy Gallo | 11:00 AM August 29, 2013
Comments (93)
Everybody complains about incompetent bosses or dysfunctional co-workers, but what about irritating direct reports? What should you do if the person you manage drives you crazy? If the behavior is a performance issue, there’s a straightforward way to address what’s irking you — but what do you do when it’s an interpersonal issue? Is it possible to be a fair boss to someone you’d avoid eating lunch with — or must you learn to like every member of your team?
What the Experts Say
Of course, your job would be a whole lot easier if you liked everyone on your team. But that’s not necessarily what’s best for you, the group, or the company. “People liking each other is not a necessary component to organizational success,” says Ben Dattner, an organizational psychologist and author of The Blame Game. Robert Sutton, a professor of management science and engineering at Stanford University and the author of Good Boss, Bad Boss and coauthor with Huggy Rao of the forthcoming Scaling Up Excellence, agrees. According to Sutton, “there’s a list of things that make you like people and there’s a list of things that make a group effective, and there are very different things on those lists.” It’s neither possible — nor even ideal — to build a team comprised entirely of people you’d invite to a backyard barbecue. But there are real pitfalls to disliking an employee. Consciously or unconsciously, you might mismanage him or treat him unfairly and fail to see the real benefit he can deliver to your team. Here’s how to get the most out of someone you don’t like.
Don’t assume it’s a bad thing
Sure, you may grit your teeth at her lousy jokes or wince at the way he whistles at his desk, but feeling less-than-sympatico with your direct reports might not be the worst thing. “From a performance standpoint, liking the people you manage too much is a bigger problem than liking them too little,” says Sutton. The employees you gravitate toward are probably the ones who act nice, don’t deliver bad news, and flatter you. But it’s often those who provoke or challenge you that prompt new insights and help propel the group to success. “You need people who have different points of view and aren’t afraid to argue,” says Sutton. “They are the kind of people who stop the organization from doing stupid things.”
Focus on you
Still, the days can feel very long when you’re constantly dealing with someone you don’t like. It’s crucial to learn how to handle your frustration. Rather than thinking about how irritating the person is, focus on why you are reacting the way you are. “They didn’t create the button, they’re just pushing it,” says Dattner. He suggests asking yourself the following questions:
· Is the problem the individual or someone they remind me of? “You can have a competent person who looks like your unkind aunt and suddenly she can do no right.”
· Am I afraid of being.
Women struggle with self-promotion for good reason: we're trained to be bad at it, and we can't do it "just like the guys" and be effective. These slides discuss strategies to effectively self-promote as a woman.
CHAPTER SIXDetectingIcebergsHave you ever had a time.docxtiffanyd4
CHAPTER SIX
Detecting
Icebergs
Have you ever had a time when your emotions seemed too in-tense-you felt horribly guilty rather than mildly so or deeplydepressed rather than a little sad? Or have you ever been sur-
prised by an emotion because it seemed to be the wrong one-you felt an-
gry when the situation should have left you feeling guilty or were
red-faced with embarrassment when you ought to have been red-faced
with anger? Maybe there have been times when your behavior seemed
overboard or out of line-a friend teases you in front of a group and you
refuse to speak to her for days, or you blow up at your spouse for leaving
his dishes in the sink-but you just couldn't help it?
?ometimes your ticker-tape beliefs don't explain the intensity of your
reaction to a given situation. When that happens, it's a sign that you are
being affected by an underlying belief-a deeply held belief about how the
world ought to operate and how you feel you ought to operate within that
world. Examples of underlying beliefs include "I should succeed at every-
thing I put my mind to" or "Getting emotional is a sign of weakness."
These deeper motivations and values often drive us and determine how
we respond to adversity. And since these underlying beliefs-or icebergs,
as we call them-are usually outside our awareness}deep beneath the sur-
face of our consciousness, we need a special skill to detect them.
Mastering the skill of Detecting Icebergs is an important step in in-
creasing your emotion regulation, empathy, and reaching out scores on
your RQ profile. More important, it's a skill that will significantly improve
THE RESILIENCE FACTOR + 124
your relationships. Most of the "personality" clashes that OCcur at work
are due to differences in iceberg beliefs, and these beliefs are also respon-
sible for many of the rifts between couples. By using the skill of Detect-
ing Icebergs, you will better understand your core values and motivations
and those of the significant others in your life.
Surface Beliefs versus Underlying Beliefs
We've explained that ticker-tape beliefs are your in-the-moment beliefs
about an adversity and that they drive your emotions and behaviors. You
can think of ticker-tape beliefs as surface beliefs, because they float on the
surface of your awareness. Even though you may not be aware of your
ticker-tape beliefs in any given moment, you can shift your attention to
them with relative ease and identify what it is that you're saying to your-
self. Don't confuse surface, however, with superficial or irrelevant; in most
situations, your surface beliefs hold the key to why you react to things the
way you do. But sometimes your ticker-tape beliefs don't explain your re-
actions. When that's the case, it means that you're responding not to your
ticker-tape beliefs but to your underlying beliefs-fundamental, deep-
rooted beliefs about who you are and your place in the world. Underlying
beliefs are general rules about how the world ought to b.
How To Easily Expand Your Social CircleGeorge Hutton
http://mindpersuasion.com/
If you want to be more attractive to the ladies, you've got to become more friendly and outgoing. Purposely generating a larger social circle is a great way to do that.
http://mindpersuasion.com/girlfriend-generator/
Disorders and Treatments PaperThis assignment will require you tDustiBuckner14
Disorders and Treatments Paper
This assignment will require you to select a psychological disorder and pair it with a form of psychotherapy that has demonstrable success. You will also create a therapy session transcript that shows successful application of therapeutic communication skills. In your work as a mental health provider, you will be called upon to identify, interpret, and successfully apply evidence-based therapies. The transcript exercise provides you the opportunity to demonstrate competence in applying basic therapeutic communication skills you learned and practiced in Units 3 and 4, and at least one technique of the approach you selected to assist your fictional client. This assignment also provides practice in matching therapies to client concerns—which will you will do again in Unit 10—while at the same time incorporating theories of multicultural therapies.
Instructions
For this 9–12 page assignment, you will choose a psychological disorder from the following DSM-5 categories:
· Depressive disorders, anxiety disorders, trauma and stress related disorders, OR
· Substance-related and addictive disorders.
You will then choose an approach to psychotherapy that has a proven track record. You will also create a therapy session transcript. In that imaginary session, you will explain to the client the type of therapy you would like to use (See 10.1 Informed Consent to Therapy, and 4.02, Discussing the Limits of Confidentiality in the Ethical Principles of Psychologists and Code of Conduct. Link in the Resources) as well as demonstrating the therapeutic communication skills of reflection (thoughts and affect), empathic statements, and open-ended questions.
The first 5–6 pages of the paper should describe the client's demography and presenting concern; it should then provide an academically-based reason for your choice of therapeutic approach to use with the client. The final 3–4 pages will be the transcript of a fictional client.
EXAMPLE OF IDENTIFICATION OF SKILL SET WITHIN TRANSCRIPT [Excerpt of middle of a session]
Therapist: Hi, how are things going today? [open-ended question]
Client: Everyone hates me.
Therapist: Can you tell me more....who is "everyone"? [open-ended question]
Client: My dad is always on my butt to mow the yard, my mom yells at me about my bedroom. She wants it to look like no one sleeps there, and none of my friends are talking to me at school.
Therapist: I want to make sure I understand correctly, right now your friends are not being so friendly, and your mom and dad are mostly interested in their house and yard. [paraphrase]
Client: EXACTLY! Did they have me just so I could provide free labor?
Therapist: Feeling used can weaken the best of relationships. [empathic statement] Can you tell me when you noticed that your friends stopped talking to you? [open ended question, clarifying question]
To successfully complete this assignment, you must meet the following requirements:
· Written communication: Written co ...
You need to take care of the connection and the quality of the relationships you have with others. Not being able to connect will give you a difficult time at the work place and outside.
Todos definimos el éxito de diferente manera. Para algunos tener éxito significa comprar un auto nuevo, prever de mejores cosas a la familia o tener el mejor trabajo. El éxito es la meta que uno se propone en la vida, pero siguiendo un plan para llegar a esa meta.
Todas las personas desean tener éxito en su vida, es por ello que se esfuerzan para poder triunfar y ser exitosos. Sigue estas claves que te permitirán lograr el éxito en tu vida.
Gender bias is holding women back in the workplace. Whether deliberate or unconscious, bias makes it harder for women to get hired and promoted and negatively impacts their day-to-day work experiences. This hurts women and makes it difficult for companies to level the playing field.
This presentation gives people the tools to address gender bias head-on.
How to Manage Someone You Don’t Likeby Amy Gallo 1100 AM A.docxadampcarr67227
How to Manage Someone You Don’t Like
by Amy Gallo | 11:00 AM August 29, 2013
Comments (93)
Everybody complains about incompetent bosses or dysfunctional co-workers, but what about irritating direct reports? What should you do if the person you manage drives you crazy? If the behavior is a performance issue, there’s a straightforward way to address what’s irking you — but what do you do when it’s an interpersonal issue? Is it possible to be a fair boss to someone you’d avoid eating lunch with — or must you learn to like every member of your team?
What the Experts Say
Of course, your job would be a whole lot easier if you liked everyone on your team. But that’s not necessarily what’s best for you, the group, or the company. “People liking each other is not a necessary component to organizational success,” says Ben Dattner, an organizational psychologist and author of The Blame Game. Robert Sutton, a professor of management science and engineering at Stanford University and the author of Good Boss, Bad Boss and coauthor with Huggy Rao of the forthcoming Scaling Up Excellence, agrees. According to Sutton, “there’s a list of things that make you like people and there’s a list of things that make a group effective, and there are very different things on those lists.” It’s neither possible — nor even ideal — to build a team comprised entirely of people you’d invite to a backyard barbecue. But there are real pitfalls to disliking an employee. Consciously or unconsciously, you might mismanage him or treat him unfairly and fail to see the real benefit he can deliver to your team. Here’s how to get the most out of someone you don’t like.
Don’t assume it’s a bad thing
Sure, you may grit your teeth at her lousy jokes or wince at the way he whistles at his desk, but feeling less-than-sympatico with your direct reports might not be the worst thing. “From a performance standpoint, liking the people you manage too much is a bigger problem than liking them too little,” says Sutton. The employees you gravitate toward are probably the ones who act nice, don’t deliver bad news, and flatter you. But it’s often those who provoke or challenge you that prompt new insights and help propel the group to success. “You need people who have different points of view and aren’t afraid to argue,” says Sutton. “They are the kind of people who stop the organization from doing stupid things.”
Focus on you
Still, the days can feel very long when you’re constantly dealing with someone you don’t like. It’s crucial to learn how to handle your frustration. Rather than thinking about how irritating the person is, focus on why you are reacting the way you are. “They didn’t create the button, they’re just pushing it,” says Dattner. He suggests asking yourself the following questions:
· Is the problem the individual or someone they remind me of? “You can have a competent person who looks like your unkind aunt and suddenly she can do no right.”
· Am I afraid of being.
Women struggle with self-promotion for good reason: we're trained to be bad at it, and we can't do it "just like the guys" and be effective. These slides discuss strategies to effectively self-promote as a woman.
CHAPTER SIXDetectingIcebergsHave you ever had a time.docxtiffanyd4
CHAPTER SIX
Detecting
Icebergs
Have you ever had a time when your emotions seemed too in-tense-you felt horribly guilty rather than mildly so or deeplydepressed rather than a little sad? Or have you ever been sur-
prised by an emotion because it seemed to be the wrong one-you felt an-
gry when the situation should have left you feeling guilty or were
red-faced with embarrassment when you ought to have been red-faced
with anger? Maybe there have been times when your behavior seemed
overboard or out of line-a friend teases you in front of a group and you
refuse to speak to her for days, or you blow up at your spouse for leaving
his dishes in the sink-but you just couldn't help it?
?ometimes your ticker-tape beliefs don't explain the intensity of your
reaction to a given situation. When that happens, it's a sign that you are
being affected by an underlying belief-a deeply held belief about how the
world ought to operate and how you feel you ought to operate within that
world. Examples of underlying beliefs include "I should succeed at every-
thing I put my mind to" or "Getting emotional is a sign of weakness."
These deeper motivations and values often drive us and determine how
we respond to adversity. And since these underlying beliefs-or icebergs,
as we call them-are usually outside our awareness}deep beneath the sur-
face of our consciousness, we need a special skill to detect them.
Mastering the skill of Detecting Icebergs is an important step in in-
creasing your emotion regulation, empathy, and reaching out scores on
your RQ profile. More important, it's a skill that will significantly improve
THE RESILIENCE FACTOR + 124
your relationships. Most of the "personality" clashes that OCcur at work
are due to differences in iceberg beliefs, and these beliefs are also respon-
sible for many of the rifts between couples. By using the skill of Detect-
ing Icebergs, you will better understand your core values and motivations
and those of the significant others in your life.
Surface Beliefs versus Underlying Beliefs
We've explained that ticker-tape beliefs are your in-the-moment beliefs
about an adversity and that they drive your emotions and behaviors. You
can think of ticker-tape beliefs as surface beliefs, because they float on the
surface of your awareness. Even though you may not be aware of your
ticker-tape beliefs in any given moment, you can shift your attention to
them with relative ease and identify what it is that you're saying to your-
self. Don't confuse surface, however, with superficial or irrelevant; in most
situations, your surface beliefs hold the key to why you react to things the
way you do. But sometimes your ticker-tape beliefs don't explain your re-
actions. When that's the case, it means that you're responding not to your
ticker-tape beliefs but to your underlying beliefs-fundamental, deep-
rooted beliefs about who you are and your place in the world. Underlying
beliefs are general rules about how the world ought to b.
How To Easily Expand Your Social CircleGeorge Hutton
http://mindpersuasion.com/
If you want to be more attractive to the ladies, you've got to become more friendly and outgoing. Purposely generating a larger social circle is a great way to do that.
http://mindpersuasion.com/girlfriend-generator/
Disorders and Treatments PaperThis assignment will require you tDustiBuckner14
Disorders and Treatments Paper
This assignment will require you to select a psychological disorder and pair it with a form of psychotherapy that has demonstrable success. You will also create a therapy session transcript that shows successful application of therapeutic communication skills. In your work as a mental health provider, you will be called upon to identify, interpret, and successfully apply evidence-based therapies. The transcript exercise provides you the opportunity to demonstrate competence in applying basic therapeutic communication skills you learned and practiced in Units 3 and 4, and at least one technique of the approach you selected to assist your fictional client. This assignment also provides practice in matching therapies to client concerns—which will you will do again in Unit 10—while at the same time incorporating theories of multicultural therapies.
Instructions
For this 9–12 page assignment, you will choose a psychological disorder from the following DSM-5 categories:
· Depressive disorders, anxiety disorders, trauma and stress related disorders, OR
· Substance-related and addictive disorders.
You will then choose an approach to psychotherapy that has a proven track record. You will also create a therapy session transcript. In that imaginary session, you will explain to the client the type of therapy you would like to use (See 10.1 Informed Consent to Therapy, and 4.02, Discussing the Limits of Confidentiality in the Ethical Principles of Psychologists and Code of Conduct. Link in the Resources) as well as demonstrating the therapeutic communication skills of reflection (thoughts and affect), empathic statements, and open-ended questions.
The first 5–6 pages of the paper should describe the client's demography and presenting concern; it should then provide an academically-based reason for your choice of therapeutic approach to use with the client. The final 3–4 pages will be the transcript of a fictional client.
EXAMPLE OF IDENTIFICATION OF SKILL SET WITHIN TRANSCRIPT [Excerpt of middle of a session]
Therapist: Hi, how are things going today? [open-ended question]
Client: Everyone hates me.
Therapist: Can you tell me more....who is "everyone"? [open-ended question]
Client: My dad is always on my butt to mow the yard, my mom yells at me about my bedroom. She wants it to look like no one sleeps there, and none of my friends are talking to me at school.
Therapist: I want to make sure I understand correctly, right now your friends are not being so friendly, and your mom and dad are mostly interested in their house and yard. [paraphrase]
Client: EXACTLY! Did they have me just so I could provide free labor?
Therapist: Feeling used can weaken the best of relationships. [empathic statement] Can you tell me when you noticed that your friends stopped talking to you? [open ended question, clarifying question]
To successfully complete this assignment, you must meet the following requirements:
· Written communication: Written co ...
You need to take care of the connection and the quality of the relationships you have with others. Not being able to connect will give you a difficult time at the work place and outside.
TAKING THESTRESS OUT OFCONVERSATIONSWe all get caugh.docxdeanmtaylor1545
TAKING THE
STRESS OUT OF
CONVERSATIONS
We all get caught in conversations
fraught with emotion. Usually, these
interactions end badly-but they
don't have to, thanks to a handful of
techniques you can apply unilaterally.
by Holly Weeks
W
E LIVE BY TALKING. That's just t h e kind of ani-
maJ we are. We chatter and tattle and gossip
and jest. But sometimes-more often than
we'd like-we have stressful conversations, those sensi-
tive exchanges that can hurt or haunt us in ways no
other kind of talking does. Stressful conversations are
unavoidable in life, and in business they can run the
gamut from firing a subordinate to, curiously enough,
receiving praise. But whatever the context, stressful
conversations differ from other conversations because
of the emotional loads they carry. These conversations
112 HARVARD BUSINESS REVIEW
JULY-AUGUST 2001
Taking the Stress Out of Stressful Conversations
call up embarrassment, confusion, anxiety, anger, pain,
or fear-if not in us, then in our counterparts. Indeed,
stressful conversations cause such anxiety that most peo-
ple simply avoid them. This strategy is not necessarily
wrong. One ofthe first rules of engagement, after all, is to
pick your battles. Yet sometimes it can be extremely costly
to dodge issues, appease difficult people, and smooth over
antagonisms because the fact is that avoidance usually
makes a problem or relationship worse.
Since stressful conversations are so common-and so
painful-why don't we work harder to improve them?
The reason is precisely because our feelings are so en-
meshed. When we are not emotionally entangled in an
issue, we know that conflict is normal, that it can be re-
solved - o r at least managed. But when feelings get stirred
up, most of us are thrown off balance. Like a quarterback
who chokes in a tight play, we lose all hope of ever mak-
ing it to the goal line.
For the past 20 years, I have been teaching classes and
conducting workshops at some of the top corporations
and universities in the United States on how to communi-
cate during stressful conversations. With classrooms as my
People use all kinds of psychological
and rhetorical mechanisms to throw
their counterparts off balance. These
"thwarting tactics" take many forms -
profanity, manipulation, shouting-
and not everyone is triggered or
stumped by the same ones.
people in difficult situations are always unique. Yet nearly
every stressful conversation can be seen as an amalgam of
a limited number of basic conversations, each with its
own distinct set of problems. In the following pages,
we'll explore how you can anticipate and handle those
problems. But first, let's look at the three basic stressful
conversations that we bump up against most often in the
workplace.
"I Have Bad News for You"
laboratory, I have leamed that most people fee! incapable
of talking through sensitive issues. It's as though all our
skills go out the window and we can't think usefully about
what's happening or .
This qualitative study by the Institute for Public Relations and KPMG explores leadership in public relations from the perspective of both men and women.
Each of us in our journey through our life time visit each of these types or states of awareness. What we do about once we arrive in them depends on many factors.
Our age, mindset, beliefs and values, heritage, and more.
Where are you in your journey today with developing and deepening your awareness?
www.ResiliencyforLife.com
We have all experienced each of these types of awareness
Each area of our life offers opportunities to learn and grow.
physical, emotional, rational, financial and more.
Yet unless we stay aware of hwat
The Modesty Trap - How does Lack of Confidence Hurt?
1. • This fictional case history is based on several people’s workplace experiences.
Page 1 of 2
THE MODESTY TRAP
by Dr. Adele Scheele
Excerpt from Working Woman – August 1994
In the office, a lack of confidence
is often equated with a lack of competence
Amy Diamond* is angry and confused. Yesterday, her boss, Dick Laurence,
the director of public relations for an Ivy League university, asked for an
update on a new project; within minutes, he was reprimanding her for
lacking “inner strength.”
It all started a few days ago, when
Laurence gave her one-week to plan a press
conference announcing the reorganization of
the business school. Coordinating a major
press event and getting national TV coverage
is a tall order under any circumstance, but
with just a week to send out releases and
make calls, it was nearly impossible.
Everyone knew that. So when Laurence asked
her how the project was shaping up, she
answered frankly. She told him who hadn’t
called her back, who had said they wouldn’t
be there and how prickly the business-school
dean had been. “It’ll be
a miracle if I pull this off,” she said. What she
wanted was a little sympathy, perhaps even a
vote of confidence: “I know you can do it –
you always do.” Instead, she got scolding.
“You really are insecure,” he said, adding
that her lack of inner strength was going to be
a “serious career liability.” He said he wanted
a staffer with a “can-do spirit,” someone who
“sees solutions, not problems.” He practically
pushed her out of his office, saying, “For your
sake, I hope you pull it off.”
Now Diamond doesn’t know what to
think. How could Laurence show so little
faith in her? In her six months working for
him, Diamond has managed many complex
assignments quite well. It was she who
defused press inquiries when the associate
dean of the med school resigned, claiming sex
discrimination. It was she who ran the media
symposium that had one of the largest
turnouts ever – and a five-minute segment on
a network news show.
Perhaps she shouldn’t have been so
candid. Despite a wonderful sense of humour,
Laurence is the quintessential company man,
never complaining and never showing and
insecurities. But not showing self-doubt isn’t
the same as not having it. Diamond’s worries
don’t make her any less competent or
professional. She doesn’t want to act like one
of those guys who strut around, puffed up
with bravado. But is that the only way she can
win back her boss’s confidence?
STRATEGY
I meet women like Diamond almost every
day – smart, capable, ambitious professional
who, despite their accomplishments,
downplay their strengths. While many men
talk themselves up, most women have to be
prodded to talk about their achievements and
are often overly modest when they do. And
while most men discuss their problems only
with a trusted few, women will worry openly,
in front of colleagues, about their ability to
get a job done.
Given the negative messages that society
continues to send about women’s
competence, or incompetence, it is
understandable that more women than men
2. • This fictional case history is based on several people’s workplace experiences.
Page 2 of 2
express their job-related anxieties. But
women also act modest – “Oh, do you really
think that I’m that good?” – because they
think that is the way they are supposed to
behave. They’re aren’t insecure, they’re
acting out a profoundly feminine ritual.
As Deborah Tannen points out in her
groundbreaking book, “You Just Don’t
Understand: Women and Men in
Conversation”, women use language to
establish a rapport, where as men use it to
assert their independence and status. For
women, talking about a problem is a bid for
sympathy or commiseration (“I know exactly
how you feel. When I was promoted…”). For
men, talking about a problem means asking
for advice and therefore putting themselves in
a subordinate position – something they are
loath to do, especially with colleagues.
Conversely, for a woman, talking about
accomplishments is considered rude, because
it means setting herself apart from her peers.
Tannen notes that little girls are not expected
to boast about their skills or show that they
think they’re better than other children; if
they do, they become unpopular. As a result,
women dispense praise and wait for it to be
given to them. In friendships and families,
such behavior can cement relationships; most
women and men depend on nurturing in their
personal lives. But in business, which usually
operates on a male hierarchical order, it can
be misinterpreted as not only a lack of
confidence but also a lack of competence. As
Laurence said, it can be a serious liability.
But how to change? Diamond can rattle
off her success, so she knows she is valuable.
Now she needs to show her boss how
confident she is. That means she must
reassure him – no the other way around. Like
most bosses, Laurence doesn’t want to spend
his time soothing egos. He wants someone he
can trust, someone he can rely on to get the
job done. While executives might be
forgiving of the employee who worries that
she is going to fail (but rarely does), the fact
is that most prefer the worker who says, “No
problem”.
The first thing Diamond must do is to stop
complaining about impossible deadlines,
difficult deans and an elusive press. She
doesn’t have to do a 180-degree turn and
become the stoic. She can convey her real
concerns, as long as she presents feasible
solutions to go with them.
When Laurence asks her how a project is
going, she should start with the good news –
the national reporters who are coming, the
wonderful PR photos that were taken, the
professors whose cooperation she has won.
That will send a clear message that she has
the situation under control.
Instead of bemoaning her work load or
offering Laurence a litany of complaints
about circumstances he cannot change, she
should pinpoint the specific ways in which
he, or the department can help: “As well as
it’s going, the dean seems to be reluctant to
release any statements for the press release. It
might help is you called him.” This behavior
will not only alleviate his anxieties but may
also assuage her own.
Diamond will have moments of self-
doubt. Even the most accomplished people
sometimes question their abilities. But they
generally don’t reveal these doubts to
colleagues. Instead, they wrestle with them
privately – and suppress them in order to get
the job done. Some of the women I know go
through a mental checklist, reminding
themselves of all the projects they’ve
managed successfully and how they always
lose some sleet before facing new challenges
– but most of the time do just fine.
At first, Diamond might feel like an
imposter. Many women find that presenting
themselves as bold, “can-do” types initially
feels like acting, a dramatic presentation of
who they’d like to be but do not yet feel they
are. Not to worry. If Diamond doesn’t feel as
strong as she looks, in time she will.