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Swk family mediation week 3 conflict within families (2)
1. SWK 4619H
Family Mediation: Theory And Practice
Week 3
Conflict within Families
Michael A. Saini, PhD, MSW RSW
Professor
Factor-Inwentash Chair of Law and Social Work
Co-Director of the Combined JD/MSW program
2. Six Qualities of Family Cohesion
Communicate
appreciation for one
another
Arrange personal
schedules so they can
do things together
Have a high degree of
commitment to
promoting one
another's happiness and
welfare
Have some spiritual
orientation
Can deal with crises
Have positive
communication patterns
3. Context of Family
Conflict
Family conflicts are perhaps the
most personal of all conflicts.
Family conflict can be about both
the tangible items and the
intangibles
It is about each person’s level of
inclusion or exclusion from the
family system.
The impact of the outcome can be
enormous.
This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA
5. Levels of Family Conflict
Any family dispute can have simultaneous elements of all four levels of conflict
•Intrapersonal conflict:
•they are of two minds in themselves
•Interpersonal conflict:
•they are in dispute with one or more members of the family
•Intragroup conflict:
•factions within the family have formed
•Intergroup conflict:
•the family is in dispute with other outside groups or entities
Lewicki, Saunders, and Minton (2001)
6. Sources of Family Conflict
• Relationship Conflicts:
• Caused by strong emotions; misperceptions and stereotypes; poor
communication or repetitive behavior problems
• Value conflicts:
• Different ideas for evaluating ideas or behaviour; different ways of life, ideology
or religion
• Inconsistencies in data:
• Lack of information, misinformation; different views on what is relevant;
different interpretations of data
• Structural problems:
• Unequal power and control; unequal distribution of resources; time constraints
• Conflicts of interest:
• Perceived or actual competition over substantive interests; procedural interests
and psychological interests
7. Intractable Family Conflicts
A strong sense of threat to central commitments
The distortion of one another’s positions because of the threat
Hardening of positions so that each side becomes convinced of some
central assumptions that continue to fuel the conflict
The development of fixed patterns of response which assume the
conflict is central and ongoing
9. Power ----------------------- Intimacy
• Intractable conflict is often between the polar ends of a continuum of power and
intimacy or control and connection:
• A family member who has too much connection lacks control;
• A family member who has too much control over other family members, may ruin
the connection with those other members.
11. The Pursuer
• The “pursuer” pattern of
behaviour is defined as the
tendency to be more ready to
engage issues and initiate
discussions, to demand, and to
be more critical and blaming of
the partner.
• The demander (Fogarty, 1976)
• The intruder (Napier, 1978)
12. The Withdrawer
The “withdrawer” pattern consists of avoidant behaviour
around discussing serious issues, “stonewalling,”
(disengaging) disengaged behaviour during interactions,
and stubborn, defensible reactions to criticism.
The distancer (Fogarty, 1976)
The retreater (Napier, 1978)
The one that pulls away
13. Tactics Used by Conflict Evaders
Leaving the scene when feeling accused.
Leaving
Refusing to argue or talk (the silent
treatment)
Refusing
Derailing arguments “I can’t take it when
you yell at me.”
Derailing
Using the hit and run tactic of filing a
complaint and leaving no time for a
resolution.
Using
Saying “okay, you win” without meaning
it.
Saying
14. Problems with this
Interaction Pattern:
There is a significant negative
relationship between self-reports of
pursue/withdraw interaction and self-
reported partner satisfaction
Vicious circle: “I will withdraw
because you nag” and “I nag because
you withdraw”
• (Watzlawick, Beavin, & Jackson, 1967)
17. Conflicts that
Threaten the
Bubble
• Have you ever been involved in a conflict
that threatened your connection in your
bubble that you just couldn’t imagine being
resolved?
• In other words, a conflict that was so
entrenched, you felt hopeless?
• Discuss your feelings of feeling stuck.
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18. Attachment Theory
Attachment pattern formed in
childhood as a means of
regulating physical and
emotional proximity to
caregivers also has a major
influence on adult relationships
(Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991;
Crittenden, 1992; Hazan & Shaver,
1994)
19. Function of
Attachment
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Set of conscious/unconscious “rules” for
organizing incoming info relevant to
attachment
Influences what past experiences/memories
are accessed to interpret this information
(Main et al., 1985)
Greatly influences self perceptions and
expectancies of how others will likely behave
Akin to “intuition” informing people’s feelings
and actions (Collins, 1996)
21. Attachment
Activation
• Attachment behaviours are activated in
three types of situations (Kobak &
Duemmler, 1994).
• during fearful or fear-provoking
situations, individuals will seek
partners as a safe haven (or secure
base).
• challenging situations will lead
individuals to contact their partners.
• conflictual interactions will activate
attachment behaviors (Kobak &
Duemmler, 1994).
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22. Adult Attachment
22
Attachment- essential to the
human experience-“from cradle
to grave” (Bowlby, 1977)
Differs from parent-child
attachment – based instead on
mutual emotional dependence,
reciprocal care-giving and
responsiveness to partners fear or
distress (Fraley & Shaver, 2000)
Relationship where attachment
history is most likely to be
manifested
Supported by research (Collins &
Read, 1990; Hatfield & Rapson,
1996; Hazan & Shaver, 1987; Levy
& Davis, 1988)
23. Working
Model of
Attachment
Forms through emotionally-based learning
experiences (Bowlby, 1973, 1982, 1988)
Develops during critical period of brain
development (e.g., 0-12 months)
Becomes “hard wired” within an individual’s
neural networks (Bowlby, 1951)
Aggregation of childhood experiences with
primary caregiver and significant relations
(Fonagy, 1999)
24. Adult Attachment
24
Develops over 2 years in stages
(proximity, safe haven, secure base)
(Fraley & Davis, 2000)
Development is highly influenced by early
attachment experiences and internal
working model of both spouses
Promotes proximity, and relative
emotional dependability and relative
security
Establishes a shared meaning for the
nature of the relationship (Eckstein et al.,
1999)
25. Two Frameworks for
Measurement
• Interview measures for attachment
• Derived from a personality and
developmental psychology
• Adult Attachment Interview (AAI)
• Self-report measures to assess attachment
patterns
• Derived from social psychology
• The Relationship Questionnaire (RQ)
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26. The Relationship Questionnaire (RQ)
• ____ A. It is easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am
comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t
worry about being alone or having others not accept me.
• ____ B. I am uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally
close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to
depend on them. I worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too
close to others.
• ____ C. I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I
often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am
uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry
that others don’t value me as much as I value them.
• ____ D. I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very
important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to
depend on others or have others depend on me.
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Bartholomew, K. & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test
of a four- category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61, 226-244.
27. Attachment
Types
Secure attached have a positive sense of self-worth and an
expectation that others will be accepting and trustworthy.
Anxious/ambivalent attached have a sense of unworthiness
accompanied by a positive view of others, which results in an
anxiously attached person who continually seeks the approval
of others.
Avoidant attached experiences the self as unworthy and
expects others to be untrustworthy and non-accepting
Fearful attached fear of rejection, distrust of others, and
higher levels of anger…. ‘push / pull effect’
28. Attachment
and Conflict
Styles
Correspondence of Adult Attachment Types with Conflict Styles
Concern for Others
______(Working Model of Others)______
Concern for Self High Low
(Working Model of Self) (Positive) (Negative)
High Integrating/ Compromising Dismissing/Dominating
(Positive) (Secure) (Avoidant)
Low Obliging Avoiding/Fearful
(Negative) (Anxious/Ambivalent) (Disorganized)
Note: Adapted from Corcoran & Mallinckrodt, 2000
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29. Attachment
and Conflict
Styles
29
Secure attachment has been associated with
positive conflict resolution styles (Creasey & Ladd,
2005),
Anxious attachment has been consistently linked to
withdrawal strategies, such as refusing to discuss
the issue, ignoring the partner, (Collins, Ford,
Guichard, & Allard, 2006; Sierau & Herzberg, 2012).
Anxiously attached individuals seem to fluctuate
between withdrawal and active engagement
through intrusive behaviours and criticisms
30. Divorce as
Attachment Crisis
• Divorce, defined as a crisis.
• Divorce can be perceived as
fearful, challenging, or conflictual
depending on the individual and
context of family breakdown.
• Divorce may activate attachment
behaviours.
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31. Divorce as Attachment Crisis
• When adult couples separate, they carry
with them a history of personal and
interpersonal experiences that shape:
• how they think and feel about the
end of their relationships
• how they behave toward their ex-
partners and their children
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32. Attachment and Divorce
• Divorce may result in triggering an
attachment response because of:
• the emotional withdrawal of the
other partner
• lack of resolution of the divorce
• the change in family structure
• the redefinition of the spousal role
• the changes in parental roles
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33. Distressed Adult
Attachment
Relationship
• Under threat or “attachment injury”
unconscious behaviours surface
• Separation is met with protest and
rise of attachment behaviours
• Distressed-Attachment Behaviours
• are predictable (e.g., fight,
flight, freeze)
• variations in specific
presentations between people
and cultures
35. The Love – Hate Relationship
• What is the Opposite of Love?
• Hate (Primary emotion)?
• Associated with a strong emotional
investment
• Ambivalence (no feelings)?
• Associated with “uncoupling” and no
emotions
• Best cases scenario when children are involved
• Can’t completely uncouple
• Parenting is an emotional endeavor
• Feelings of “respect” and amicable
interactions with ex-partners
36.
37. Primary, Secondary &
Instrumental Emotions
Primary:
• Most fundamental, direct initial, immediate reaction to a situation
(Greenberg, 2008; Ledoux, 1996)
Secondary:
• Emotional responses to the presence of primary emotions (Elliott &
Greenberg, 2007; Pos & Greenberg, 2007)
• Emotional response’s to what an individual feels about their
thoughts or feelings about the primary emotion, rather than a
response to the environment (Greenberg, 2006; Greenberg, 2008)
Instrumental:
• Emotions that are used consciously or unconsciously to achieve an
aim (e.g., crying crocodile tears or anger to control other)
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38. Emotional Processing: Iceberg of Emotions
Surface Emotions
Secondary/Instrumental
Deeper Emotions
(Primary)
Fear
Anger
8/9 “hidden”
1/9 “visible”
Behaviours
Litigating
Bad mouthing
Sabotaging
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39. Emotional
Coping
Emotional coping is the ability to
consciously and rationally apply
voluntary actions to remediate a
situation (Lazarus, 1966, 1991)
Emotional coping can be both
positive and negative
May overtake reason as the
emotional coping system engages
(Karr-Morse & Wiley, 1997;
LeDoux, 1996)
40. Activity
• Make list of potential fears of
parents who come to you for
mediation services.
41. Parents in Conflict
Fear of lack of respect
Fear of isolation
Concern for safety
Fear of abandonment
Fear of not being valued as a parent
Fear of incompetence as a parent
42. Parental Fear After Separation (PFAS: Saini & Alschech)
I worry that the breakup will have a negative impact on the child(ren).
I worry about the quality of my relationship with the child(ren).
I am worried about the other parent’s ability to meet the needs of the child(ren).
I fear that the other parent is trying to ruin my relationship with the child(ren).
I worry that my child(ren) will love the other parent more than me.
I am fearful of ending up alone.
I worry that my children will think I am a bad parent.
I feel comfortable to express my thoughts about parenting with the other parent.
I worry that my ex-partner is out to destroy me.
I fear that I will lose time with the child(ren).
I worry about the child(ren) in the other parent’s care.
I feel nervous in the presence of the other parent.
I am worried that the other parent is trying to reduce my time with the children.
I worry about by safety in the presence of the other parent
I’m afraid I won’t get a fair share of our family’s assets.
I’m afraid of not knowing what I will have after the divorce.
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43.
44. Implications
for Mediators
• Family courts are not set up to
addresses underlying
attachment needs
• a core presumption is
that reason and emotion
are different beasts
entirely
• law admits only of
reason
• vigilant policing is
required to keep
emotion from creeping
in where it does not
belong (Maroney, 2006)
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45. Attachment-Focused
Mediation
Conflict viewed within an attachment lens:
• More realistic to have individuals from maladaptive
emotional patterns (fear)
• Focus on attachment issues can increase emotional coping
• Shift from maladaptive to adaptive coping patterns
• Shift from secondary to primary emotions
• Not denying responsibility for conflict—inviting individuals
to address emotions/behaviours for self, relationship with
ex-spouse, children & future intimate relationships
46. Assumption of Mediation
• Mediation as an Attachment Activation
• Fear-provoking situations
• Fearful of mediator taking other
side
• Fearful not being safe
• Challenging situations
• Asking parties to sit in same room
• Conflictual interactions
• Asking parties to tell their stories
and to talk about the conflict
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47. Attachment-Focused
Mediation
• *This is not therapy…its therapeutic!
• This is also one tool in the toolbox.
• Purpose attachment-focused mediation is to
• explore underlying causes of the parties’ problem,
with a view to improving their relationship as a
basis for resolution of the dispute.
• expand and reorganize key emotional responses in
mediation within the attachment framework.
• To help create shifts in partners' interactional
positions and develop new cycles of interaction.
48. Negotiating
Family Disputes
• Family conflicts and disputes
require family members either to
negotiate together to solve the
problem or to declare the problem
impossible to resolve or manage
• There need not be winners and
losers,
• There should not be bad deals,
• Each person in the negotiation
should be able to get some
intangible needs met as well as a
good-enough outcome.
