2. STRAIGHT TALK FOR MEN
OVERCOMING THE FAILURE OF
YOUR PAST
By Melvin L. Latimer
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses and all the
King’s men could not put Humpty
Dumpty back together again.
The secret of life is not avoiding all
of life’s mistakes and failures, but
the secret lies in how to get up
once you have fallen.
Principles for overcoming failure:
• Stop Crying Over Spilled Milk.
Instead of worrying about
mistakes and failures in your
life; admit and recognize them
and take positive steps to
prevent them from happening
again. Stop beating yourself up
with guilt and condemnation.
• Don’t Give Up.
If at first you don’t succeed
then try, try again. Nothing
beats a failure but a try. If you
fall off one of life’s horses then
get back on again.
My grandfather always told me
that if you throw enough mud
at the side of a barn long
enough sooner or later some of
it will stick.
• Actively seek other people to
pray for you.
Don’t wait until you fail before
you surround yourself with a
shield of prayer warriors.
Humble yourself, acknowledge
your need, and ask for prayer.
Recognize prayer as the key to
success in your life.
• Finally, learn from your mistakes and
failures and use them as stepping
stones to succeed in life.
Remember, that nothing beats a failure
but a try.
YOUR FATHER WANTS YOU TO
COME HOME
By Melvin L. Latimer
In Saint Luke Chapter 15, it tells
the story of a man who has two
sons. This man was very
successful and his sons were
destined to inherit everything that
their Father owned.
The younger son became very
impatient and did not want to wait
until his father died to inherit his
share of his father’s wealth. He
demanded his inheritance. His
father did not argue with him but
instead gave him his portion.
The younger son left his father and
moved to a big city where he
wasted his inheritance on drugs,
alcohol, wild parties and women.
When all of his money was gone
and all of his so called friends left
him he was all alone.
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3. STRAIGHT TALK FOR MEN
He finally had to find a job and the
only job he could find was feeding
hogs. He was so hungry that he
was tempted to eat the food that he
was feeding the hogs.
Then he realized how good he had
it back at his father’s house. He
put aside his pride and decided to
go back to his father’s house and
beg his father forgiveness.
As he was approaching his father’s
house his father sees him coming
and runs to meet him. His father
throws his arms around his son,
hugs and kisses him and tells him
how much he missed him.
The younger son began to cry and
tells his father that he made a big
mistake, and he’s sorry and please
take him back and let him come
home.
That night a big party was held for
the son who had been lost, down
and out but now he lives again.
His father restored him as if
nothing had every happened.
There are many men out there just like
this prodigal son. You have left your
father’s house (your heavenly father that
is) and gone astray. You have failed in
life one way or another. Perhaps you are
divorced, your business failed, you got
caught up in drugs and alcohol. You
have lost your sense of purpose and
direction in life and are unsure what to
do.
Your heavenly father wants you to come
home. He has his arms wide open. Just
waiting for you to come home.
Your heavenly father loves you and cares
for you. He is waiting to restore you and
give you new purpose and direction.
Confess your faults and mistakes and
receive his forgiveness for all your sins.
You don’t have to suffer any longer. All
you have to do is come home to your
heavenly father.
If you want to come home to your
heavenly father then pray this prayer:
Father I confess that I have sinned, I
have done and said things that I should
not have. I no longer want to do my will
but I want your will be done in my life.
Take charge of my life and make me the
man, the father, the husband that you
made me to be. In the name of Lord
Jesus. Amen.
Wherever you are and whatever you are
doing always remember that you can
always come home to your heavenly
father.
HOW DOES A MAN BALANCE WORK
AND FAMILY?
By: Linda S. Mintle, Ph.D.
Psychotherapist
Work is important in men’s lives, but
trouble erupts when work overshadows
family life. Men often struggle to find
balance between the demands of work and
home. Wives complain that husbands are
more married to the office than to them.
Men feel they are doing what they are
supposed to do as men – provide for their
families. The dilemma for many men is how
to balance the needs of family life with
career. Not attending to family needs has
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4. STRAIGHT TALK FOR MEN
obvious consequences, but not attending to
the job means not being a serious contender
for promotion.
Charles’ wife, Janet, resented his undying
dedication to his job. At home with three
small children, Janet wanted Charles to
spend more time with the family. Tension
between Janet and Charles was building.
The couple needed help.
Charles and Janet, represent many couples
struggling to find balance between the
demands of work and home. Wives
complain that husbands are more married to
the office than to them. Husbands feel they
are doing what they are supposed to do as
men – provide for their families. The
dilemma for many men is how to balance
the needs of family life with career. Not
attending to family needs has obvious
consequences, but not attending to the job
means that you aren’t a serious contender
for promotion.
Women who stay home sometimes envy the
love affair men have with their work. Work
can be exhilarating, exciting and even a
frightening part of a man’s life. Work often
defines a man and plays an important role in
promoting his sense of self-worth Career
success often means – “I’m somebody” to a
great many men (and women). Men are
taught that power, status and earning
capacity are markers of masculinity. Value
is measured by economic and occupational
success.
Consequently, men have fears and anxieties
about failure and measuring up. Are they
good enough? Can they compete? Will they
win? The pressure to perform can be intense
and even self-imposed.
At home, performance is rated through
relationship – a world of unclear rules and
every-changing demands. Women at home
seem to have the edge when it comes to
family riles and details about children and
households. Control over outcome is not the
same as at work.
Men like Charles aren’t up on the current
issues of home. At times, Janet treats him
like “a dummy” which makes the office
more appealing. At work Charles feels
competent – and in control.
Men like Charles need balance but don’t
always know how to achieve it. Balance is a
biblical concept dating back to the Garden
of Eden. Man worked and then rested. Work
should be challenging and fulfilling but not
the sole focus of being a man. If you are a
man out of balance with work and family,
try these steps:
• Learn to set limits on the job
• Address fears of failure or not
measuring up to preconceived
standards or unrealistic expectations.
Check out what the Bible has to say about
your worth apart from what you do for a
living.
• Define yourself through your
relationship with God. He gives
unconditional love and approval of
who you are.
• Pray for wisdom and sensitivity to
balance the needs of family and
career.
• Re-evaluate your current position. Is
what you do worth the sacrifice you
are making in other areas of your
life? If not, ask God to direct your
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5. STRAIGHT TALK FOR MEN
path to a new opportunity or
negotiate more balance.
Dr. Mintle – author, professor, Approved
Supervisor and Clinical Member of the
American Association for Marriage and
Family Therapy – is a speaker and media
personality, as well as a licensed clinical
social worker with 20 years in
psychotherapy practice.
CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS AND
YOU’LL CHANGE YOUR LIFE
Some people walk around all day like a
powder keg ready to explode. If you find
yourself letting anger rule your actions and
ruin your day – or other’s around you – you
need to re-evaluate your thinking. What you
think determines how you feel, not the other
way around.
• Nobody makes you mad. If someone
is rude or demeaning, you do not
have to respond in kind. You actions
and reactions are your choice. Nor
are you at the mercy of all the
pettiness, meanness, impatience, and
anger of others. Besides, do you
want to let someone else decide how
you are going to act?
• You make you mad. The people and
pressures in your life don’t make
you angry; something inside you
makes you feel that way. When you
change what you are thinking you
can stop being angry.
• Reality is not what happens to you.
Realty is what you think about what
happens to you. You have little or
no control over what happens to
you, but God’s grace gives you
more control over what happens in
you than you are willing to admit
and accept. Epictetus, the first-
century philosopher said, When we
meet difficulties, become anxious
and troubled, let us not blame
others, but rather ourselves; that is,
our ideas about things.
• Check what’s in your mind. Son of
man, have you seen what the elders
of the house of Israel do in t he dark,
every man in the chambers of his
imagery? (Ez. 8:12). What is going
on in the chambers of your imagery?
• Wrong thinking is a sin problem.
Acknowledge your misbeliefs,
confessing them to god – and to
someone who can pray for you.
Repent, in the New Testament
Greek, means literally to change
your mind.
• Feed your brain. The Bible has the
power to change your thoughts
because it’s God’s living Word, and
it’s the truth. It has the power
literally to change your thoughts
when you are powerless.
• Filter your thoughts through the
Holy Spirit. I will ask the Father,
Jesus promised, and He will give
you another counselor to be with
you forever – the Spirit of truth
(John 14:16-17) You can tap into
the power of god’s wisdom and
discernment if you will call upon the
Holy Spirit to help you find the
truth.
• Utilize crises. People change
radically when the hurricanes of life
blow through their brains. Hardships
is the way the Lord disciplines us.
My son, do not make light of the
Lord’s discipline, and do not lose
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6. STRAIGHT TALK FOR MEN
heart when He rebukes you.,
because the Lord disciplines those
He loves, and He punishes everyone
He accepts as a son. Endure
hardship as discipline (Heb. 12:5-7)
Gary Kinnaman is senior pastor of Word of
Grace Church in Mesa, Ariz., and is the
author of Angels Dark and Light and My
Companion through Grief. (Crosswalk.com)
WHAT MARRIED MEN NEED TO
KNOW ABOUT SEX
Question: If men and women were
created to be compatible sexually, why do
we have so many sex problems in
marriages today?
Answer: After working for more than 20
years as sexual therapists, the answer to that
question becomes clearer to us each day.
The enemy of our souls will do whatever he
can to distort sex and rob the beauty from it.
He knows that a God-breathed view of sex
is a threat to his domain.
This is clear:
To understand and experience sex as
God intended can reveal amazing clues
about spiritual truth.
And the converse is true:
To understand spiritual truth will send
the sexual relationship into orbit.
But few people enjoy out-of-this-world sex.
Why? Because few men understand what it
means to love their wives as Christ loved
the church and gave himself for her.
Ephesians 5 reads,
“Husbands, go all out in your love for your
wives, exactly as Christ did for the church –
a love marked by giving, not getting” (The
Message, emphasis ours).
Giving. It is a key word for great sex. As
the husband moves in the direction of his
wife’s needs, he will discover greater love,
passion and intimacy in his sex life. Let’s
look at 10 specific ways to give to your
lover.
1. Give of yourself rather than claim
your rights.
Scripture tells spouses to give their bodies
to each other for mutual pleasure and
enjoyment. This command is for the giver
to give his/her body, not for the getter to
demand his/her rights. The Message,
Eugene Peterson’s paraphrase of the bible,
has a beautiful express in this passage.
“The marriage bed must be a place of
mutuality – the husband seeking to satisfy
his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her
husband. Marriage is not a place to ‘stand
up for your rights.’ Marriage is a decision to
serve the other, whether in bed or out” (1
Corinthians 7:3-5).
2. Go for enjoying rather than
scoring.
If you like sports, you like your team to win
– and you like to win. You learned early in
life to be in the game for the score. You
probably feel the same way when you have
sex with your wife: you want to be a winner.
Rather than enjoying her body like you
would enjoy a Boston Philharmonic concert
with its crescendos and decrescendos, you
go for the goal.
Your wife’s responses are the scores you
make. The faster and more often you get a
response, the higher your score and the more
your excitement builds. You go for the hot
spots. If she doesn’t respond, you get tense
and rub harder. You get frustrated when
something does not work like it should.
After all, if you were a real man, you could
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7. STRAIGHT TALK FOR MEN
bring her to orgasm, or more than one
orgasm, during intercourse. If you can’t you
see yourself as a loser.
Now hear this: Sex is not about conquering,
achieving or scoring. Sex is about relating.
No woman wants to be a conquest, a goal
achieved or a win scored. Results-oriented
sex leads to pressure, demand, self-
consciousness, and detachment from the
good feelings of the moment.
Try something new. Enjoy the process. As
you focus on mutual pleasure rather than
response, you will discover a deeper ecstasy
than you every anticipated.
3. Affirm rather than pursue.
Now let’s learn something from the greatest
lover of all time: King Solomon. Read
through the erotic poetry of the Song of
Solomon to find the model of how sex
works best between a husband and wife.
First, King Solomon adores her. “You are
altogether beautiful, my darling, and there is
no blemish in you” (Song 4:7, NASB).
Next, she invites him: “Awake, O north
wind, and come, wind of the south…may
my beloved come into his garden…” (4:16).
Then, he responds” “I have come into my
garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered
my myrrh…I have eaten my honeycomb and
my honey; I have drunk my wine with my
milk” (5:1).
Remember this order next time you are
together: (1) The husband adores his wife,
(2) then his affirmation ignites her passion,
(3) then her invitation.
4. Negotiate differences rather than
expect similarities.
Along with Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady,
you may have wondered, Why can’t a
woman be more like a man?
It certainly would make sex easier. But it’s
the ever changing complexity of the woman
that keeps sex interesting. Think how boring
sex would get if women were as predictable
and easy as men. We are convinced that the
combination of male constancy, and every-
changing, complex femininity is the key to
keeping sex alive in marriage.
As you allow your wife to listen to her
complex sexuality and you listen to her, you
both win. You need to free her to take – to
take in touch, pleasure, arousal and passion.
Her ability to know what her body hungers
for and invite what she needs will work best
when you are able to keep your pace lagging
behind her pace and allow her to lead in
both sexual activity and intensity. Learn
how to respect her complexity and make her
differences work for you.
5. Plan rather than wait for spontaneity.
For some couples, unplanned sex and
“quickies” are fine. But for most couples,
the anticipation of being together builds
quality, while having longer time together
increases quantity.
Quickies can be fine for variety, but make
sure your wife is ready. And make sure you
also have quality events that are planned for
a time when neither of you is fatigued or
rushed and both can pursue pleasure without
demand.
An occasional smorgasbord is fun. Each of
you take turns asking for exactly what you’d
like in a sexual experience. The only
boundary is that no activity is to violate or
be negative for either.
Bottom line: give your love life some
variety.
6. Express yourself rather than
question her.
This advice may surprise you.
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8. STRAIGHT TALK FOR MEN
Questions are a form of hovering, watching
and comparing: “Was that good for you,
honey?” or “Are you feeling anything?” or
“What about tonight?”
Replace questions with” “Wow, did I enjoy
you tonight!” or “I love touching you there,”
or “I’d like to play tonight.”
7. Delight in her rather than watch
her response.
Sex is not a spectator sport!
Watching for how well you are doing in
producing a response in your wife (rather
than delighting in the enjoyment of her body
for the sake of the pleasure it brings you)
will interfere with both the pleasure and the
result.
Remember, watching is demanding, and
demands inhibit.
8. Do not bring anger, shame,
control and guilt into the bedroom.
When negative emotions are allowed in the
bedroom, sex becomes encumbered with
conflict and despair.
Some men bring anger into their marriage
because they resent how their mother treated
their father. Others take their anger with
their wife to the marriage bed. All kinds of
shame and guilt can keep men from
pursuing passion with their wife.
And some men have a need for control,
which interferes with the sexual relationship.
It may be that when she approaches him
sexually, he cannot respond – while at the
same time he complains because she doesn’t
want sex as often as he does.
Work out your emotional issues outside the
bedroom and at a time totally removed from
your sexual experience.
Create erotic adventures with your wife
rather than look for passion elsewhere.
If you are looking for some erotic spark in
your life, the best place to look is at home.
It does not matter how long you’ve been
married; you can have an erotic relationship.
9. But a deeper and fulfilling passion
is a lifelong possibility that must be
nurtured.
How do you add passion to your marriage?
Plan something new, take risks, have secrets
with each other, plan special times together,
entice her.
10. Work to keep sex fun rather than
a routine.
Is sex to be work or fun? Sex is to be fun,
but it’s a lot more fun when you work at it.
When you think about sex, plan for sex, talk
about your sexual likes and dislikes, learn
about sex, practice new techniques,
negotiate your difference, and keep
changing – sex will be fun!
You will laugh together, have fun
experimenting and enjoying surprising each
other.
Use a little shock to tap new passionate
energy, give her treats, tease kindly,
pleasure continuously, resist playfully and
create new additions to your love life.
Bless you fresh-flowing fountain!
Enjoy the wife you married as a young man!
Lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose –
don’t ever quit taking delight in her body.
Never take her love for granted (Proverbs
5:18-19, The Message).
This article originally appeared in New
Man Magazine, September 1997.
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9. STRAIGHT TALK FOR MEN
WHY ARE MEN LIKE THIS?
Men learn from an early age not to
feel. It starts at six years old or sooner.
Don’t cry. Don’t complain. Downplay any
feelings of pain. Play even when you’re
hurt. Never show you’re scared. Ignore
the messages your body is telling you
short of needing to go to the hospital!
So when a woman asks her husband to
pay attention to the relatively small and
subtle feelings she’s feeling that are
signaling to her that their relationship is
in trouble – and, worse yet, insists that he
pay attention to and express his own
small, subtle, heartfelt feelings – no
wonder he goes nuts.
We got it at the movies. John Wayne,
James Bond, Clint Eastwood, Rambo.
“Real” men are cool, tough, independent
and unfettered. Single-handedly killing
250 bad guys, or being a multi-million-
dollar football player, is the role model
our culture gives boys for how to be a
man. Being a loving father and
community member isn’t.
We get it at work. It’s a very lucky
man, working in a very unusual field or
company, who manages to climb the
career ladder without being pressured to
ignore his own inner voices.
Men get rewarded for being cool,
competent, thinking linearly and
strategically, and working overtime to
“win.” Of course, there are often a lot of
very satisfying, fulfilling and useful
things about this.
But along with the good things, men learn
that success comes from “playing the
game” – a game whose rules include,
“Don’t speak your mind,” “Don’t be
honest,” “Don’t let your (ugh) feelings get
in the way,” “Suck up to the boss” and
“Tell people what they want to hear.”
“Playing the game,” especially this game,
is the very opposite of being genuine. And
being genuine is the most important skill
for being in a relationship.
Women get many of these same pressures
at work too, of course. But since women’s
identities and self-esteem are usually not
as bound up in their work as men’s are,
they have less on the line. They’re more
capable of filtering out the craziness and
switching roles when they get home. All
their lives they’ve been trained to be more
than just workers. But men haven’t been.
Daddy’s from Mars, Mommy’s from
Venus. Often, some truly wonderful
partnerships begin to go awry only after
the children start arriving. Our society
makes it enormously difficult for people to
arrange their work commitments in a way
that allows them to be equally
breadwinners and caregivers. So instead,
one partner (usually the man) takes the
role of primary breadwinner, stepping up
his work commitment, while the other
(usually the women) becomes the primary
caregiver, either quitting work altogether
for a number of years or else working at a
less demanding job that leaves her more
energy and flexible time for the family.
Soon, Mom and Dad are living on
separate planets, made worse by the
sheer noise – and distraction-level created
by children. They get caught up in
playing the roles of Mommy and Daddy
and literally lose touch with each other.
The situation is even worse if a man
hasn’t found his true vocation before his
children come along. Then he can feel
utterly trapped by the responsibility of his
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10. STRAIGHT TALK FOR MEN
role, and drained by the soul-destroying
quality of his worklife. He becomes
jealous of what he perceives is his wife’s
“freedom,” being home all day with the
kids. Not surprisingly, his wife, who has
just spent her entire day with a couple of
preschoolers, furiously resents this. The
last thing she wants to hear at the end of
her exhausting day is how miserable her
husband is at work. She definitely doesn’t
want him upsetting the fragile economic
applecart that maintains their home and
family. His pain becomes forbidden
territory. Soon their marriage is in
trouble.
We don’t lose our hearts all at once.
They leak out over time. Often men get so
rewarded at work they have no idea that
in other ways they’ve gone dry. They
don’t have the skills to pay attention to
what’s going on in their hearts, and
they’ve learned that doing so would
somehow be unmanly. So little by little,
simply in the process of coping with the
normal stresses of careers and families,
men disconnect more and more from
what’s going on inside them. Gone are
their youthful ambitions, dreams and
passions. Even as they get what they’ve
been working so hard for, they don’t really
enjoy it that much. Life becomes duller
and flatter.
Why don’t men care? That’s the way it
seems to women, when it comes to how
men act about their marriages. After all,
marriages are like houses. Even the ones
with the strongest foundations need
regular maintenance. But, strangely
enough, men who wouldn’t dream of
ignoring a leaky faucet, clogged down
spouts or a weedy lawn will ignore the
signs of a frayed or “leaky” relationship
until the roof is about to cave in.
It’s not because men don’t care, it’s
because they don’t know what to do.
What they think will work is often the
wrong thing. So, often they give up.
Most men want more than practically
anything in the world for their wives to be
happy. So much so that many, if not
most, men, when their wives criticize
them, go a little bit crazy, becoming either
extremely defensive or withdrawing.
Their wives, faced with defensiveness and
withdrawal, become even more miserable
and demanding, causing the men to
defend or withdraw even more. It’s a
vicious circle.
Just as men have learned to ignore and
disconnect from what’s going on inside
them, in the same way they ignore all the
little events – the fights,
misunderstandings, little lies or cruelties
– that make couples disconnect from one
another – especially wives from their
husbands. And their marriages become
duller, flatter, less alive.
The good news is, men don’t have to
stay this way! In your 30s, 40s, 50s and
older (or sometimes younger) you can look
all that old programming in the face and
challenge it. Is it really smart and manly
to act independent and unfettered – or is
it smarter to connect? Do you really want
to spend the rest of your life following just
your head – or do you want to have more
of your heart? Do you want your home
life to be a war zone or a “demilitarize”
zone – or do you want to make exuberant
love?
(www.rtformen.com)
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11. STRAIGHT TALK FOR MEN
Testicular Cancer
By: Dedrick Russell
What you’re about to read will make
most men cringe.
It’s a story that contains touchy
information that attacks men where it
hurts. For men of all walks of life and of
virtually every age group the area of the
body housing the “family jewels”, as some
would call them, is a most treasured and
guarded area.
But there is a disease that attacks men
in this very prized region. It’s a painful
issue to talk about and most men either
skirt around discussions of this
potentially deadly disease or are
completely ignorant of it. But we’re
going to tackle it head on because this
story could save your life. Later on in
the story we’re also going to show you
ways to check yourself.
Testicular cancer is a somewhat painless
disease that can slip up on you. It
accounts for one percent of all cancers in
men. The American Cancer Society
reports that last year about 7,600 men
were diagnosed with testicular cancer
and 400 men probably died from this
silent killer.
As you know, the testicles are vital
organs that make up part of the male
reproductive system. Testicles or testes
hang in the scrotum, a sac located right
beneath the penis.
They are separated into right and left
regions, produce the male hormone,
testosterone, and are a passageway by
which sperm cells travel in their mission
to fertilize the female egg in
reproduction.
Have you ever experienced a pain,
swelling or hardness in one of your
testicles?
Have you had a heaviness in your
scrotum or even a slight pain in your
groin?
Have you felt a painless lump on your
testicle? Or, have you ever awakened in
the morning and experienced a
tenderness in your breast and wondered
what was going on? Well my brothers,
these are symptoms of testicular cancer.
There is no definite way to determine
who gets testicular cancer and who
doesn’t, but doctors have determined that
men between the ages of 15-35 are most
at risk.
White men are four times as likely to get
diagnosed with testicular cancer than
Black men. This can be primarily
attributed to the fact that black men
aren’t as diligent about seeking regular
medical check-ups.
Men who work as miners, oil and gas
workers, food and beverage processing
workers, leather workers, and utility and
janitorial workers are at risk.
Researchers say it could be the high level
of chemicals these workers deal with that
initiates the development of this type of
cancer. Also men with HIV, especially
those with the AIDS virus, are high at
risk as well.
Moreover, men with a history of
testicular cancer in their family should
be on alert too because their likelihood
for development is high.
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12. STRAIGHT TALK FOR MEN
Most specifically though, doctors point
out that those who are the most seriously
at risk are men who have a condition
known as cryptorchidism (pronounced
kriptor-chidizm).
This happens during the time the male
child is being formed in the womb. While
still a fetus, testicles of the male
normally form inside the abdomen and
descend into the scrotum. But,
sometimes during this process the
testicles get stuck in the groin area and
don’t descend into the sac. Men with this
happening to them are more likely to get
testicular cancer.
Once cancer is detected, doctors begin
chemotherapy and radiation treatments
which can wipe out the man’s ability to
produce sperm.
In worst case scenarios, doctors may
remove the affected testicles altogether
in a procedure called an orchitectomy
(pro-nounced or-kee-ek-to-mee).
I can imagine by now, you are assaying
that this is some pretty serious stuff!
But all is not lost fellas. You can wipe the
sweat from your brow and crawl out from
your ball of fear because testicular cancer
is highly curable if detected early.
According to the American Cancer
Society, although there is no known way
to prevent it, the overall cure rate for
testicular cancer is 90 percent.
Whew!!!
They also recommend that just as women
do monthly self-examinations of their
breast, men do monthly self-
examinations of their testicles and
surrounding areas.
It could save your life?
Many men are unaware of a cancer that
means so much in producing life. That’s
why we brothers have to stay on guard
and educate each other about this
disease that the enemy uses and will
continually keep trying to use, along with
other sicknesses and diseases, in an
attempt to cut us off and to kill our seed.
If you want more information about
Testicular Cancer call the American
Cancer Society at 1-800-ACS-2345 or
visit their website at
hhtp://www.cancer.org.
How To Do A Testicular Self-
Examination
Testicular cancer is among the easiest to
cure when detected early. A simple
monthly self-examination can help catch
it before it starts.
Become familiar with the normal size,
shape and weight of your testicles to
detect any changes.
It’s best to examine yourself during a
shower or bath. At that time the scrotal
skin is relaxed.
First:
Examine your TESTICLES. Slowly
rolling each between the thumb and
fingers. Try to find any hard, non-
sensitive lumps.
Second:
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13. STRAIGHT TALK FOR MEN
Examine the EPIDIDYMIS for lumps. It
is a crescent-shaped cord behind each
testicle. This area is tender so do not be
alarmed.
Third:
Examine the VAS (the sperm-carrying
tube which extends from the epididymis)
of each testicle.
Symptoms
Early on, testicular cancer can be
symptomless. When symptoms do occur,
they include:
• Lump on testicular cancer,
epididymis or vas that may feel
like a kernel of uncooked rice or a
small hard pea.
• Enlargement of a testicle.
• Heavy sensation and/or dull ache
in the testicles, groin or abdomen
area.
Report any of these findings to a doctor.
Other conditions produce similar
symptoms.
Fatherless Homes Breed Violence
According to a new publication called
Getting Men Involved: The Newsletter of
the Bay Area Male Involvement Network,
Spring 1997:
Begin quote:
63% of youth suicides are from fatherless
homes (Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of
the Census.
90% of all homeless and runaway children
are from fatherless homes
85% of all children that exhibit behavioral
disorders come from fatherless homes
(Source: Center for Disease Control)
80% of rapists motivated with displaced
anger come from fatherless homes
(Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior,
Vol. 14, p. 403-26, 1978)
71% of all high school dropouts come from
fatherless homes (Source: National
Principles Association Report on the State
of High Schools.)
75% of all adolescent patients in chemical
abuse centers come from fatherless homes
(Source: Rainbows for all God’s Children.)
70% of juveniles in state-operated
institutions come from fatherless homes
(Source: U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special
Report, Sept 1988)
85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew
up in a fatherless home (Source: Fulton
Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept.
of Corrections 1992
(Because only a portion of each age group
grew up in a fatherless home,) these
statistics translate to mean that children
from fatherless homes are:
• 5 times more likely to commit
suicide
• 32 times more likely to run away
• 20 times more likely to have
behavioral disorders
• 14 times more likely to commit
rape
• 9 times more likely to drop out of
high school
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14. STRAIGHT TALK FOR MEN
• 10 times more likely to abuse
chemical substances
• 9 times more likely to end up in a
state-operated institution
• 20 times more likely to end up in
prison.
10 Things Dads Can do to Look Like a
Hero To Their Kids
Fathers Know A Secret
Fathers know a deep, dark secret about
their side of parenting. Being a father is
confusing and often frightening. Bill
Cosby once wrote, “If God had trouble
handling children, what makes you think
it would be a piece of cake for you?”
(Cosby was referring to Adam and Eve
and their disobedience in the garden.) To
make our task even more challenging,
somewhere along the way our children
develop the firm conviction that Dad
never even lived in the real world or his
brain is stuck in a malfunction mode! The
real clincher is found in the common belief
that all world problems are
overstatement, but notice how dads are
most often portrayed on TV – dumb, out
to lunch, mean…). It all adds up to quite a
challenge.
Most men want to succeed as fathers.
They think they are taking their role
seriously. Though many men wouldn’t
admit it, they are eager for something
that will enhance their effectiveness as a
father. Dads can become heroes to their
children. It takes a lot of work, patience
and love, but it’s possible. What follows
are some suggestions that will help you
fight the misperceptions of fathers in your
own family by doing some right things
with your children.
1. Be Around
Few things are as important as your
presence. Dads often make lots of
excuses. There is work, there is this
project or that. There’s the civic club,
the golf game, the tickets to the ball
game or the hunting trip. Twenty
years from now your kids won’t care
about any of that and neither will you.
You’ll be wondering what happened to
the relationship. Your kids need you.
Be there.
2. Learn How to Encourage
Parents, by nature, tend toward the
negative. “Don’t” and “can’t” are
necessary tools. They help keep the
kids out of the first and help them
understand it’s not good to eat the
whole jar of peanut butter at once.
But, kids need to know what they can
do. Validate their abilities by telling
them when they do something well. It
will give them courage to do even
better.
3. Admit Your Faults
If you don’t admit your faults, you’ll be
the only one ignoring them. Admit
faults and be man enough to
apologize. It will make you more
sensitive about how you handle your
children’s faults. It will also make it
easier for your kids to forgive you
when you need it.
4. Make Trust A Priority
Trust comes two ways. One is earn it
through dependability and
consistency. The only way is a gift.
Children need to learn both. Show
children they can trust you. Earn their
trust. Teach them they must earn
trust as well. However, there comes a
time when you extend trust as a gift.
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15. STRAIGHT TALK FOR MEN
when you do, you will tap into your
child’s increasing maturity.
5. Show Tenderness
Too many American fathers grew up
with the ”macho-man” idea. Be strong,
be tough, be hard, be busy. That’s fine
if you’re a character in a Clint
Eastwood cowboy movie, but it doesn’t
do much for relationships with kids.
Children need to see that Dad is
touched by some things, that there are
emotions inside, and not just angry
ones. Little boys and girls need hugs
and kisses from big Dads. Many
grownups cry because they never
heard Dad say, “I love you,” or felt a
loving embrace from strong arms.
6. Love Your Wife
The single best source of input
regarding marriage is from one’s
parents. Respect your kid’s Mom. Be
kind to her. Demand that your
children respect her as well. Your
response to your wife develops a sense
of security in your children. Give your
kids the security of a loving marriage.
7. Respect Authority
Most fathers want to fill the role of
authority. However, if you want your
children to respect authority they
must see it in you. Show respect for
your own parents, if they are still
living, or speak of them in ways that
show respect if they are no longer
around. Your example will instill the
right attitude in your children’s
minds.
8. Be A Christian
Take the lead in spiritually nurturing
your children. Plant spiritual values
in your children’s hearts. Teach them
about God, Christ and His church.
Show them it’s important. Talk about
death and eternal matters, but
illustrate the importance by your own
life. God will become important to
children when God is important to
Dad.
9. Teach The Bible To Your Children
Fathers spend thousands of dollars
educating children for a job. They
often spend little educating them for a
life. The Bible will help your kids
know how to live. You should be the
primary instructor. One simple way to
do this is to get a children’s Bible and
read 1 story a night with your children
when they are young. As they grow
older, simply go to more grown up
Bible stories until you are actually
reading the Bible with them, or
discussing what they have read in
Scripture on their own.
10. Be Fun
There are plenty of times for
seriousness. Your kids need to know
that you can laugh and have fun.
Lighten up! Everything is not earth-
shatteringly important. Laugh at
jokes, mistakes and yourself. Let some
things happen with a smile instead of
a frown. Your kids will think that
you’re great fun to be with. Bet you’d
like that, wouldn’t you?
By Bill Denton
INEXPENSIVE WAYS TO SAY I
LOVE YOU THAT WORK
15
16. STRAIGHT TALK FOR MEN
Want to add a little romance and zest to
your love life without having to take out
a loan for an expensive piece of jewelry or
a vacation? Would you like to get a jump
on making this Valentine’s Day
something to remember?
Saying “I love you” in a memorable,
romantic way doesn’t require a cosigned
loan or a platinum-size bank card bill.
And, if you’re like most spouses, a little
advance planning is a very good thing.
To help the romantically challenged, here
are some suggestions for showing your
love in special, inexpensive ways:
• Make a list of all the things you love
about life with your spouse. Slip it
into a card and tape to the bathroom
mirror.
• Treat your spouse to breakfast in bed.
• Make or buy a small token of your
love and hide it as part of a treasure
hunt. Pick out five or six hiding
places and hide the gift in the last
place. Then construct the clues
working backward.
• Plan and make a candlelight dinner
after the kids go to bed. Or a
candlelight dessert for two, followed
by candlelight dancing in the living
room.
• Surprise your spouse with heart-
shaped cookies sometime during the
day.
• Get out your wedding album or
pictures of when you first met, and
look at them together. Trace how
God has worked in your marriage
from then until now.
• Find, or write ahead of time, a special
blessing prayer for married couples
and pray it with your spouse.
• Ask a neighbor to watch the kids (if
necessary) while you and your spouse
go for a walk. Be sure to hold hands
and share your feelings about how
important he or she is to you.
• Find a book at the library, or buy one,
with appropriate poetry. Pull it out
several times during the day and
read a poem aloud to your spouse.
(Crosswalk.com)
MEN: BEWARE OF TEMPTATION
Men and women respond to temptation
differently. Women tend to flee
temptation, while men like to crawl away
slowly and hope temptation will overtake
them.
No man sets out to succumb to
temptation on purpose. Yet every day we
learn of men, Christian men, who fail.
Unless a man remains perpetually
vigilant, his own evil desires carry him
into temptation and sin.
Six temptations men face:
• Emotional neglect. Men are most
tempted not to give their wives the
thing they desire the most: emotional
connection and intimacy; the sharing
of yourself at the deepest level, and
wanting to know the same level in
your spouse. God commanded,
Husbands, love your wives, just as
Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:25).
The Bible gives no similar
instructions to wives because wives
are naturally drawn to an intimate
love relationship. For men it must be
learned.
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17. STRAIGHT TALK FOR MEN
• Lust. Men become sexually
stimulated visually. When a man
looks and lusts, that does not mean
he no longer loves his wife. He is
engaged in temptation – physical and
spiritual. We live in a sexually over-
stimulated culture in which many
men are drained of the spiritual
energy needed to expose temptation
and the moral energy to resist it. The
best way to resist sexual temptation
is to flee from it.
• False gods. You can have only one
god. Most men try to worship an idol
and God. That, too, is impossible.
Idolatry is the error of giving worship
or homage to any power or object
other than God. It’s either going to be
Jesus Christ or something else. And
whatever the something else is, it will
never satisfy (e.g. accomplishments,
money, pleasure, possessions, power,
prestige, or position).
• Money and debt. Men find money
intoxicating. Jesus named money as
his chief competitor: No one can serve
two masters…You cannot serve both
God and money (Matt. 6:24). Not only
is man tempted to earn more money
but also to borrow more money than
he can afford to repay. The
temptation is not to love God or
money. The temptation is to love
them both. To live debt-free within
your means, with Jesus as the god of
your life, is the goal.
• Whining. The Bible tells of people
who grumbled about the sufficiency of
God’s care. When men see others
advancing more rapidly, frequently
resentments, jealousies, envy, and
bitterness build up. Slights, perceived
and real, grind on his ego. The way to
overcome the temptation to complain
is to accept your lot in life and get on
with a positive outlook. Paul said, I
have learned to be content whatever
the circumstances (Phil. 4:11).
• Pride. Stubborn pride often keeps a
man from humbling himself and
admitting he’s wrong. Temptation to
pride comes in many disguises. The
most common form is for a man to look
down with disdain on others. It is a
sin of comparison in which a man
compares his [perceived] strength with
another’s weaknesses. Equally
insidious is the temptation for a man
to look up in disgust to others who
have it better or have accomplished
more. Pride can even cause some men
to feel they are above talking about
“touchy feelings,” and so emotionally
neglect their wives.
Patrick Morley is a business leader,
speaker, and the best-selling author of
seven books, including The Man in the
Mirror, Walking with Christ in the Details
of Life, The Rest of Your Life, Devotions
for Couples, and The Seven Seasons of a
Man’s Life.
www.crosswalk.com
HOW TO BUILD GOOD HABITS
A habit is a bundle of other behaviors or
skills. It is a series of steps, done without
much conscious effort because the series
has been done so often. It can be as
typical as the sequence someone uses to
read sections of the newspaper, or the
steps taken to prepare a complicated
meal.
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18. STRAIGHT TALK FOR MEN
In order to have a habit, you need to be
able to perform the skills involved at each
step. The first step in building some
habits, therefore, is learning the
component skills. With cooking, it may be
first learning to poach salmon or cream
butter and sugar.
How to develop good habits:
∗ Find models and teachers. You learn
most by watching and interacting with
others. Observe those you admire, and
ask them questions, if possible. Take
advantage of the myriad of books on
any given skill or behavior and read
the finer points of what you want to
do.
∗ Take small steps. Begin your desire to
acquire good habits by starting small.
For instance, you want to become a
runner, it would be unwise and
unrealistic to begin your exercise
program by running five miles on
Monday morning. Instead, small steps
may include a medical exam, buying
new shoes, finding a partner, reading
a book on running, strengthening your
muscles, and start walking.
∗ Persist. If you keep faithfully busy,
the final result will happen in time. Be
patient about your progress on a day-
to-day basis. Slow, gradual progress,
brought on by regular attention and
effort, is more likely to stay with you
than a sudden burst of effort that can
just as suddenly fade away.
∗ Be mindful. You need to consider
carefully every step taken, study the
details, and think about where
everything is headed. Your behaviors
need to be pieced into a bigger picture,
framed by your goals and values. You
may make minor adjustments to your
running program, but if running in the
morning takes you away from seeing
your spouse and kids every day, you
might want to consider pursuing
another method of exercise.
∗ Stay motivated by maintaining
perspective. Recall the reasons you
wanted to change and where you
ultimately want to be. Don’t let one
slip-up take your eyes from your goal.
∗ Make a pledge. It may be helpful to
announce your attempted change to
others, but it usually works best if you
are attempting to develop a socially
approved behavior rather than
overcoming a socially disapproved
behavior. (Learning to dance is far
more accepted by the hearer than
announcing you want to quit
drinking.) Some pledges are best made
to yourself.
------------------
A. Thomas Horvath, Ph.D., is president of
Practical Recovery Services, San Diego,
Calif., which offers an alternative to 12-
step and disease-oriented addiction
treatment. He is president of SMART
Recovery, a nonprofit network of support
groups for individuals abstaining from
addictive behavior, and is the new
president of the American Psychological
Association’s Division on Addictions.
www.crosswalk.com
Making Your Wife Feel Important
By Dr. Gary Smalley
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ
loved the church and gave himself up to
her to make her holy, cleansing her by the
18
19. STRAIGHT TALK FOR MEN
washing with water through the
Word…”Ephesians 5:25, 26
Sandy was so sexually responsive
to her husband, Rick, one afternoon that
he was stunned and surprised by her
excitement. How did Rick motivate her?
With one very simple statement. He was
getting ready for work that morning,
running a little late, when he heard
Sandy complaining of a growing neckache.
“Let me rub your neck,” he offered.
“No, you don’t have time,” she
replied. “You’ve got to get to work.”
His usual response would have
been, “Yeah, you’re right. I don’t want to
be late. But I hope you feel better. Take
an aspirin.”
On this particular morning, he
said, “I tell you what. I’d rather be with
you any day. Let me rub your neck.” As he
gently massaged her tender muscles, he
continued, “Work can wait. . . You’re more
important to me.” She was so thrilled with
his attitude and so encouraged by his
sensitivity and gentleness that she could
hardly resist giving herself to him in
every way.
We men are not aware of the effect
we have on our wives by being gentle and
tender, showing our unshakable devotion.
Do you want a more enjoyable
marriage? It’s possible, and it all starts by
loving your wife more than any other
person or activity.
Here are a few questions you can ask
your wife to open up a discussion
concerning her real feelings about
the place she shares in your life:
1. Do you feel you are the most
important person in my life?
2. Are there any activities in my life you
feel are more important to me than
you are?
3. Are there any special ways you believe
I could better communicate how
important you are to me?
The more you do to build a valuable,
healthy relationship, the better you’ll feel
about your marriage. If you change any of
your activities because you want to enrich
your relationship, at first you may feel
you’re giving up your favorite pastime.
But in the long run, you’ll not only gain a
better marriage, but a greater freedom to
enjoy other areas of life. Today, I wouldn’t
trade my deep friendship with Norma for
anything on this earth. I am finding that
the more important a man’s wife is to
him, the more she encourages him to
enjoy life.
Use failures as opportunities to grow
Failure hurts. Whether it’s
something as big as losing a relationship
or a job because of your mistakes or
simply saying something embarrassing in
a conversation, failure can easily leave
you feeling hopeless.
But from God’s perspective, there’s
always hope after failure. Even when you
fail by the world’s standards, you can be a
success in God’s eyes. He can powerfully
transform your life no matter what has
happened, and sometimes failures are
especially good times for God to work in
your life. Here are some ways you can use
failures as opportunities to grow:
19
20. STRAIGHT TALK FOR MEN
• Live to please God, not other people.
God’s opinion is the only one that
ultimately matters.
• Realize that if you’re faithfully doing
what God wants you to do – even if
you’re not accomplishing much right
now – He considers you as success
because you’re faithful.
• Don’t let failure shock you; no one is
immune to it. Failure is a normal part
of life when you take risks in order to
grow. Admit your failures, and accept
them.
• Rather than dwelling on feelings of
guilt and shame, confess your
mistakes to God and ask Him to
forgive you. Accept the unconditional
love that God always offers you, as
well as the grace He gives you to grow.
• Never give up! Don’t ever let failure
keep you from trying new things.
• Understand that God may or may not
choose to let you know why an effort of
yours has failed. But rather than
focusing on what you see as unfair
circumstances, focus on God’s
character. Know that He will always
act in your best interests, and trust
Him to lead you through each day in
love.
• Before undertaking a new endeavor,
pray about God’s will. Do you have a
sense of peace that God is genuinely
leading you to pursue it? Have you
actively listened to the Holy Spirit’s
voice?
• Assess your motives when you
consider pursuing a new endeavor.
Honestly determine whether you’re
motivated to pursue it out of love for
God, or because you expect or hope to
receive some type of personal gain. If
your effort doesn’t result in personal
gain, would you consider that effort a
failure? Strive to be a servant; if you
do, every effort you invest in will be
successful in God’s’ eyes.
• Think about how a particular failure
can help you understand yourself
better than before, and push you
closer to Christ than you had been
before failing. Ask God what He wants
you to learn from the failure.
• Don’t isolate yourself from others after
you’ve failed. Embrace comfort and
encouragement from people who care
about you.
• When failure has left you feeling
gloomy, remember some recent times
when you celebrated God’s work in
your life. Realize that failure is only
temporary. Know that because of
Christ’s resurrection, you have a living
hope from which you can draw your
strength in the future.
James A. Scudder is the founder of
Quentin Road Ministries, which includes
the 1,000-member Quentin Road Baptist
Church in Lake Zurich, Ill., plus day
schools, preschools, TV and radio
programs and a monthly magazine.
Overcome Your Circumstances
By: Judy Hampton
Guest Author
God can give you peace, no matter what
Intellectually, most Christians seems to
accept this concept – that God is in control
– until circumstances get rocky. At that
point, we naturally seek to change our
circumstances. It seems like the best way
to find true happiness and contentment. I
am learning, though, that this isn’t the
way God works. God wants to change me,
and He uses my circumstances to do it. He
is the Potter; we are the clay (see Isaiah
64:8).
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21. STRAIGHT TALK FOR MEN
What were the circumstances that
prompted you to give your life to the
Savior? What drew you to Him? Was your
life a mess? Were you discouraged and
anxiety-ridden? I have asked myself those
questions. And I honestly wonder if it
hadn’t been for what I used to call
“terrible” circumstances, would I have
ever surrendered my life to Him? If life
had turned out like I had planned, would
I have rejected the gospel?
In my life, troubling circumstances
ultimately helped me find contentment in
God. For instance, my teenage marriage
and misery brought me to the Savior.
Moving away from friends forced me to
depend on God for satisfaction.
Unemployment forced us to depend on
God for our every need according to His
riches, not ours. We learned firsthand
that He is the Great Provider. Much later,
our broken hearts led us to surrender our
son.
But in God’s presence, we found peace
before the circumstances changed. This is
what Jesus came to give us, peace in the
midst of pain, no matter what the
circumstances. This is what vertical living
is all about. Unfortunately, our tendency
is toward horizontal living. We look for
peace in people, places and things.
How easy it is to slip into horizontal
living. For instance, have you ever
brought a brand-new car right off the
showroom floor? If so, you’ll remember
that wonderfully distinctive smell that
says, “I’m new and I’ve never been used,
abused, or scratched.” Yeah, this is going
to do for me.
When I drive that new car, I feel great
because the circumstances are ideal – I
don’t have reason to worry about a thing.
For instance, I’m confident that the oil
doesn’t need to be changed and the fan
belts aren’t worn. No need to fret about
the tires either. It’s the greatest feeling.
What really bums me out, though, is how
short-lived that smell is. I’ve gone into
debt for a smell! Then, within a few
weeks, it’s gone.
It must bother others as much as it does
me, because now many car-wash
operations offer an air freshener called
“New Car Smell.” Spray it inside the car
and bingo! You feel good again. That’s
what horizontal living is – a cheap,
temporary substitute for the real thing.
The real thing is vertical living. It’s an
inside job the Holy Spirit produces in
people with surrendered hearts.
Recently, a young woman at one of my
weekend conferences told me her story of
vertical living. Cheryl and her husband
had been married only one year when he
had a massive stroke, which left him a
quadriplegic and unable to speak. He was
31 years old. In one brief moment, the
entire course of their lives was changed.
Faced with a lifetime of communicating
only through eye contact and needing
long-term care assistance, they began a
new way of living.
They moved in with her parents, and she
went to work. Nurses met his needs
during the day. She took care of him at
night. After one year, this lifestyle
overwhelmed Cheryl! So, in a state of
utter frustration and discouragement, she
left the house to have a good cry. I can’t
do this, Lord,” she sobbed. “I just can’t
take it. I don’t feel like living like this.
What about me? What about my dreams?
What about my expectations? This is too
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22. STRAIGHT TALK FOR MEN
painful, and I don’t want to handle it one
more day.”
Then, after a few moments, the Spirit of
the Lord spoke to her heavy heart. It was
unmistakable: “Cheryl, when I told my
children to love others, I never told them
that they could do it in their own power. I
said I would provide My strength and love
through them. When you are weak, I am
strong. You must let go.”
Suddenly, Cheryl saw her life from a
different perspective. As she walked
home, she finally embraced vertical living.
Opening the door of her home, she felt as
though a warm liquid were filling the
inside of her body. She entered her
husband’s room and was instantly aware
of a new love for him that she had never
felt.
That happened 15 years ago. Today she
says they have a beautiful marriage-a
love that defies explanation. It has
nothing to do with their circumstances,
because their circumstances never
changed. He is still a quadriplegic,
although he can move three fingers on his
left hand, which allows him to use a
computer. He still cannot speak but,
according to Cheryl, these have been the
sweetest years of her life. Why?
She learned the secret. And what was it?
A surrendered heart. A heart surrendered
to God and filled with the fruit of the
Spirit-love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and
self-control (see Galatians 5:22-23). Isn’t
that what we’re all searching for?
Do you want in on that deal?
Begin by building an altar, one at the feet
of Jesus. And on that altar, surrender
everything … dreams, idols, entitlements,
and expectations. Just let them go. Now
you can start living above the
circumstances, not under them.
Judy Hampton is a keynote speaker at
retreats across the United States. She also
has her own business as a manufacturer’s
representative to the gift industry in
southern California. She and her
husband, Orvey, live in Brea, Calif.
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