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Simpsons

The summary is: Homer shoots the TV in frustration after it criticizes his parenting. Bart takes illegal fireworks from the attic and sets Mr. Burns' mansion on fire. Chief Wiggum finds Bart at the scene. Mr. Burns sues the Simpsons and takes their house. He offers to let them keep it if Bart clips his toenails for 10 years. Homer reluctantly agrees but the family convinces him to give up beer and doughnuts for 10 years instead as punishment for his poor choices. Homer imagines what his life might be like 10 years in the future if he makes this change.

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Scene 1: Narrator: It’s another careless day at the Simpson home. Homer is doing the usual; watching TV and drinking beer… Television: You can’t blame TV and movies for contributing to the delinquency of our American youth. You MUST blame the lazy, unfit parenting of the children’s homes. Parents need to pay more attention to their child’s activities! Homer: *phzzt* ! Stupid television! I’ll teach you to tell me how to be a good parent… Narrator: Unhappy with the family entertainment system; finding the tiny box more annoying than entertaining; Homer takes a pistol out from the pillows of the couch and blasts the screen a few times. Homer: Now see what you did?! I guess you’re gonna’ blame that on the parents too! Narrator: Why would we do that? This was clearly a case of aggravated assault. Not only can children push the wrong buttons and watch the wrong things, but apparently TV can push the wrong buttons as well? (Bart walks past the living room carrying a large box) Homer: Hold it, boy! And just where do you think you’re going? Bart: Chill out, Homer. This is just trash left over from the 4th of July. I was going to take them to some place that you won’t know, and dispose of them in a manner that I won’t tell you allowing you to rest easy knowing that you know nothing about anything that might upset you somewhere in the not too distant future. Therefore, you have nothing to worry about! Homer: Okay… HEY! Wait a minute! I know what you’re up too! You’re trying to do chores without being asked so you can ask me for a raise in your allowance! Well, I’m too smart for Mr. Smarty Pants! If you want that raise, you’re gonna’ have to go into the kitchen and fetch your old man a beer…and only then will I think about it! Narrator: Unbeknownst to our dome headed hero, Bart’s bow was full of dangerous exploding fireworks that required close adult supervision! (Bart sets the box down, goes to the kitchen for a beer, returns and gives the beer to Homer.) Homer: That’s a good boy. Now after careful consideration, my answer will have to beeeeeee~ no. Let this be a lesson to you. Underachieve and you’ll never be deceived.
Bart: Eat my shorts! Narrator: What Homer also didn’t know, was that Bart maliciously shook the can of beer before retuning to the living room! And for those who do not understand the laws of physics, when one applies vigorous motions to extremely pressurised aluminium canisters filled with carbonated liquids; very bad things happen wince said canister is opened shortly after… (Bart leaves with the fireworks. Homer opens the beer and it explodes all over him) Narrator: Three hours have passed, and Bart has yet to return home. Marge calls for Bart, but she never receives a response… Marge: Bart? Homer, have you seen Bart? Homer: (thinking out loud) Careful how you answer brain. This could mean the end of our loafing around today while we slowly kill each other with delicious beer. Homer’s Brain: Don’t worry, pal! I’ve got this all under control! Homer: …(finally) No. Narrator: Marge thinks back and finally remembers hearing Bart rummaging through the attic. She also noticed that a box of fireworks Homer smuggled in from China vanished around the same time as Bart! Marge: I’m a little worried. He was snooping around in the attic again and he found that box of illegal fireworks that you smuggled in from China. And now Bart and the box are gone! Homer: China! I hate China! You can never trust a country that doesn’t have doughnuts! Mmmmm…doughnuts~ (drool) Marge: Maybe you should go look for him before he hurts himself, or worse! Homer: Not to worry, my loving maker of pork chops! I know just what to do! I’m going to Doughnut Hut to get those doughnuts! Marge: Don’t you mean you’re going out to look for Bart? Homer: Yeh, whatever. Narrator: Homer rushes to the door without looking back. Upon opening the door he finds himself face to belly with Chief Wiggum of the Springfield police. Wiggum’s face is as clueless as it usually is, but in his right hand he holds a slightly charred Bart. Homer: What do you want? Wiggum: Evening, Simpson. I believe this is yours? Homer: That’s not mine.
Wiggum: We found him down at Mr. Burns’s mansion. Bart: I didn’t do it! Nobody saw me do it! You can’t prove anything! Wiggum: Funny thing is that the place was ablaze at the same time we found your boy in the back yard setting off illegal fireworks into the roof! Marge: Oh my goodness! Bart, did you set Mr. Burns’s house on fire?! Bart: I swear I don’t know what he’s talking about! Homer: why I’oughta – Narrator: Homer’s natural parenting instincts finally kick in and he immediately proceeds to share with Bart his pearls of wisdom…all ten of them wrapped tightly around the boy’s neck! Bart: Ack! Ack! Marge: Homer, stop that! We don’t know for sure that it was Bart! Homer: It was the boy alright! Take him away, officer. We still have two perfectly good children. If we need another boy, there’s a good chance Lisa will grow up to be a lesbian! Marge: Homer! Wiggum: Well…me and the boys back at the shop could use some moving target practice – Narrator: Marge thanks the Chief by slamming the door in his face. Marge: Is mommy’s special little boy safe? Homer: Yes…but not for long! Narration: Two weeks later, we find the Simpson clan sitting in the living room; probably for the last time. Mr. Burns has sued the Simpsons for child negligence and now holds the deed to their home. Burns has decided to move in immediately seeing as he is now homeless until reconstruction of his mansion is complete. He and Mr. Smithers are now looking around the home discussing plans for “remodelling”. Burns: Look at it, Smithers… I’ve seen end-trails of filthy swine that looked less humble than this monstrosity! Smithers: Shall I call for a wrecking crew in the morning, Sir? Burns: No, that won’t be necessary. I suppose I can sleep here for a few days until the repairs on my mansion are complete. (turning to the Simpsons) And all of you! I want you out of here by noon today! How dare you burn down the house of a helpless old man, leaving him homeless with nothing but this rotting piece of hollowed out drift wood to shelter him for a whole week!
Homer: Please Mr. Burns! Don’t throw my family out on the cold streets! They didn’t burn down your house! It was the boy I tell you! Marge: Homer! Homer: Please, Mr. Burns? Don’t take our house! Take the boy instead! I’ll even dress him up in a little sailor suit and gift wrap him for you?! Smithers: (pleased with the idea) Hmmmm? Burns: Well this is an interesting proposition. I’ll tell you what, Simpson…you give me the boy for ten years, and you can keep this depressing hovel. Lisa: What would you do with Bart for ten years? Smithers: (licking his lips) Oh, I’m sure we could think of something… Burns: DOWN, Smithers! Smithers: Sorry, Mr. Burns. Burns: The boy will be taken care of, have no fear. All he must do is clip my toenails. Marge: Clip your toenails?! Burns: Yes, clip my toenails! Does that horrid blue hair clog your ear canals? You see, I’m working on a top secret cloning project, and I require someone I can trust to retrieve my toenail clippings. I wouldn’t want my DNA to fall into the “wrong” hands…(glares out the side of his eyes at Smithers who is innocently looking up at the ceiling) Homer: Mr. Burns, it’s a deal! Burns: Excellent… Bart: Have you lost your mind?! This is unconstitutional! Lisa: Bart? A six-syllable word? I’m impressed! Marge: Bart, honey, now what did mommy tell you about using words you don’t know the meaning of? This will save our house! Bart: There’s no way I’m going near that old man’s feet! Burns: I’ll let you degenerates to yourselves for now. You have until noon to decide! Smithers, carry me upstairs and draw me a bath. I must soften my nails so that they won’t chip the blades on the gardening shears. Smithers: With pleasure, Sir! (Mr. Burns & Smithers exit leaving the Simpsons alone in the room)
Lisa: I’m afraid I have to agree with Bart on this one. It isn’t entirely his fault. Who allowed him to leave the house with the fireworks? Homer: Uh…God? Lisa: It isn’t fair that Bart should take full responsibility for his destructive actions. Marge: Lisa’s right, Homey. Bart looks up to you. He only acts this way, because he wants to be like you. Homer: Why can’t he be more like normal kids and model himself off of television? When I was his age, I wanted to grow up to be like my hero…Fred Flintstone~ (Homer is busy trying to turn on the television to drown out his nagging family, but it won’t turn on.) Homer: D’oh~ why won’t this TV work?! Marge: Because you shot it to high hell with that gun I thought I told you to get rid of months ago! Homer: D’oh! Marge: Just like I told you to get rid of those fireworks months ago! Homer: I did get rid of them, honey. Out of sight, out of mind? If we can’t see them, then they don’t exist, right? It’s not my fault if someone goes looking for them, for once they see it then they exist again! Lisa: Dad, you’re eating doughnuts off of the barrel of the gun. Homer: Just close your eyes, honey and the gun will disappear forever. (Homer demonstrates how to close your eyes and haphazardly aims the gun at Marge) See? The gun is gone! What gun, you ask? Exactly! Marge: Homer! Stop pointing that thing at me! Homer: Not to worry, Marge. I have the safety on— Narrator: Homer accidentally fires the gun, missing Marge by an inch. The bullet goes through the front door. The doorbell rings and Lisa answers it. Ralph Wiggum is on the other side with a bullet wound in the middle of his forehead. Ralph: I have a belly button in my forehead…(he sticks his finger in the bloody wound and wiggles it around) …It kindda’ itches. Will you be my doodle-long-day? Narrator: Ralph falls over motionless Marge: It seems like every time I tell you to get rid of something dangerous, you don’t and one of the children always ends up shooting somebody, or destroying someone’s home!
Homer: Come to think of it…I AM beginning to see a pattern developing! I know! Let’s get rid of the kids! Lisa: Dad! Bart: I have a better idea. Why not punish Homer this time? Lisa: You mean ground dad? Can we do that? Marge: I don’t see why not? We want you kids to learn from our mistakes. So I suppose it would be best to show you what happens when you don’t do what mommy tells you… Homer: I see what you’re doing! Well, it’s not going to work! There’s no way I’m going to be Burns’s footboy! Bart: I’ll clip Mr. Burn’s toes. But only if Homer gives up beer and doughnuts for ten years… Homer: Why you little—(Homer jumps up and strangles Bart) Bart: Ack! Ack! Marge: Actually, that sounds like a fair trade! Homer: WHAT?! But, Marge~ Lisa: Of course! Making Bart give up his freedom and childhood for ten years is like making dad give up his only passions in life and his civil right as an adult to consume alcoholic beverages! Homer: I’ll clip the toenails! Make Bart give up beer and doughnuts for ten years! Lisa: Dad, Bart won’t even be legally allowed to purchase beer for ten years! Bart: And I hate doughnuts! Homer: See? Hasn’t the boy been punished enough? To go though life never wanting a sweet, delicious doughnut—(drool)… Marge: It won’t be so bad, Homey. You’ll feel better after being sober for a few weeks! You’ll have more energy to do those things we like to do at night… Homer: I have been a little too exhausted to run to the all night Doughnut Hut, lately. D’oh~ But now I wouldn’t be able to eat the doughnuts! Lisa: Think of all the money we’d save from not buying beer and doughnuts? Marge: Last month we spent over $500 on beer and doughnuts alone! Homer: Shows what you know! I’ve been saving the family money already by dipping into the children’s college funds for the beer! Lisa: Dad?! Homer: What? Don’t look at me like that! I know what colleges are like!
Marge: How?! You’ve never been to college! You barely made it out of high school! Homer: I’ve watched Animal House! Revenge of the Nerds! Old school! You were just going to spend it on beer anyway! Why should they have all the fun? I worked for that money, I want my fair share of the beer! Marge: You see, Homer? This is exactly what we’re talking about! You’ve killed your brain with beer! And the hospital bills for your heart keep getting worse because you eat too much sugar! Homer: But they’re part of the basic food groups! Beer is cereal, only it tastes better and it makes you feel great! And doughnuts are what God sent to Noah to feed his people when he led them through Euro Disney and out of Egypt! Lisa: Perhaps it would be good for dad to restrain from ingesting canned fermented barley and hopps for a while? It certainly couldn’t hurt, could it? Narrator: Homer begins to imagine what life would be like if he chooses to give up beer and doughnuts. He finds himself driving along in his brand new hover car ten years into the future. Homer sees his pals Lenny and Carl walking by and decides to stop and say hello and to show off his luxury vehicle. Carl: Wow! Homer? Is that you behind the wheel of that 1903 custom built hover- crafting Cadillac? Homer: I should hope so, my good Carl. The license plates have MY name on them! Lenny: Whoa! Vanity plates! Tre posh, Homer! Just to think, 10 years ago you were just plain old Homer J. Simpson. Safety Technician of the nuclear power plant. And now— Carl: Yeh, Homer! What the hell happened? Homer: My son, bless his evil little soul, burned Burns. And as a reward he was forced to clip the old wrinkled puss’s toe nails! Lenny: If that’s a reward, then I’d hate to find out what the punishment would be for sending him flowers on Valentines day! Homer: You see, my poor, less fortunate friends Bart, unlike myself, was forced to learn about responsibility at a young age. He finally had to pay for his wrong doings. And as a result, he matured into a well-rounded, upright citizen of the world. On top of all of that, when Mr. Burns finally croaked, he left his entire estate to Bart, because he never had any children of his own. Bart became the son he never had! Carl: So where do you fit in to all of this?
Homer: Bart bought me this car as a thank you gift! Carl: Thank you? For what? Homer: I stopped drinking beer and eating doughnuts! Lenny: The HORROR!!! Hold me Carl! Carl: Don’t touch me in public, you fool! Homer: It’s alright guys. Once I stopped drinking my mind became clearer. And my senses improved! I became aware of all the things my life was lacking, like long-term goals; an adequate vocabulary of a male American my age; the practice of good personal hygiene on a regular basis— Carl: Come to think of it, you do look a lot healthier than you used to. When did you grow hair? Lenny: Yeh! You ain’t fat no more neither! And you smell good too! Homer: How right you are my closest closeted friends. And I feel much better too! As if a weight has been lifted from my strong, broad shoulders and cast into a wind, blowing it away into an abyss never to be seen or heard from its likes again! Lenny & Carl: Huh? Homer: Once I realized I was over qualified to maintain the life I’d been leading, I decided to pack my bags and seek out my destiny! Narrator: We are in the Simpson’s home six months after homer has accepted Bart’s challenge. He looks miraculously fit and handsome. He’s grown a full head of hair, and has even developed a slight British accent? Marge is holding onto Homer’s leg trying to keep him from leaving. Marge: Please Homey! Don’t leave! We need you! We love you! Homer: I know you do. But look at me! I am a GOD! The world needs me more than I need any of you lessers! All these years I’ve been holding myself back pretending to be something, when I was destined for greater things! I’m sorry, Margery, but I MUST go! Now, be so kind as to unhand my leg. It’s quite unbecoming of you. Narrator: We are now going back to the future, where Homer, Lenny, and Carl are still chatting… Homer: And so I went to school and received a Bachelor’s in Business, a Master’s in Physics, and a Doctorate in computer engineering. It wasn’t long before I invented those coffee lids with the sliding sip-door!
Lenny: That was you! My god! You’re a legend! I finally get to kiss the hand of the man who’s saved my crotch from the scalding liquids that threaten certain impending doom while driving! Carl: Don’t let him kiss you. You don’t want to know where his lips have been today. Lenny: So you’re doing okay then? And Bart’s set for life! Homer: Letting Bart prune that old prune’s piggies, was the smartest decision I ever made! Carl: So Homer, what ever happened to Marge, Maggie, and Lisa? Homer: Who? Lenny: Your family that you abandoned ten years ago! Homer: Who? Lisa: Excuse me, but I think I can answer that! Homer: I’m sorry, but I don’t believe you are supposed to be in my imagination scene? Lisa: It’s me! Your daughter Lisa! Homer: Lisa! Of course! You look as if you’re doing well for yourself! Lisa: No thanks to you, mom had to turn tricks in the streets to make ends meet and to send Maggie to military school and me to Harvard! Homer: Oooh…a Harvard boy! Lisa’s all fancy-smancy now, with her “Harvard degree”. What are you going to do now, Miss “Lisa-I-graduated-from-Harvard-with- a-degree”? Run for president of the United States? Lisa: I AM President of the United States! Homer: Oh…so Marge is a hooker now? Lisa: She and Mrs. Grabapple started their own personal escort business. Their office is under construction so they had to temporarily move shop to the alley behind Moe’s Tavern. Narrator: We take a peek into a seedy alleyway behind Moe’s tavern and find Edna Grabapple and Marge Boulvie leaning against a wall. Johny: How much for a hummer? (Marge kicks the man in his crotch and whacks him in the head with her purse.) Edna: Christ Marge! He said “hummer” not “Homer”! Marge: Oops! I’m sorry. $50. Narrator: That was very insightful…Now let’s return to the blissful reuniting of a loving father with his long lost daughter…
Homer: $50?! I would’ve at least charged him $60! Lisa: Even though you gave up on mom, and forgot about all of us just to go out into the world in pursuit of your own selfish welfares…I still forgive you. Homer: I do too think about you kids! Every day! Oh how I’ve missed the pitter patter of your feet as you all ran about the house, playing your childhood games of kick the can and red light grey light— Lisa: Green light! And we never played anything together! Homer: Oh those happy days long gone. Oh how I miss the joyous singing and laughter of you, and Bart, and Moby-- Lisa: MAGGIE! Homer: Ah, sweet innocent Maggie…How is daddy’s favourite little girl these days? Lisa: Come to think of it, I haven’t heard from Maggie in months! Narrator: Unbeknownst to Homer and Lisa, Maggie is perched atop a book depository directly across the street from them. She takes careful aim at her targets and opens fire on Lisa, and Homer. Narrator: Homer’s daydream is suddenly broken as he and the rest of the family scream out in terror… Simpsons: AAAAAAARRRGH!!!! Narrator: There is a moment of uncomfortable silence, until finally Marge breaks it… Marge: hmmmmm…~ Maggie: *squeegee-squeek* Lisa: Then again…~ Narrator: The Simpsons realised that they’d rather be homeless with their beer drinking doughnut munching imperfect man of the house; than Homer-less. They submit to their misfortune and move in with Grandpa Simpson in the Springfield Home for the Aging. It’s a little crowded in the small room, but at least they still have each other. And that is what’s important anyway, right? A home isn’t the size of the roof over your head, but the size of the love you share with the family that loves you… Grandpa: You’ve been here for six months! Can I sleep in my bed? Just this one night? Homer: No.
Grandpa: Please? It’s my birthday! Homer: No. Grandpa: Can you at least make the dog sleep on the floor tonight, and let me sleep on the foot of the bed? Homer: No. Grandpa: Well, I guess I can go sleep in the cemetery again. Can I at least have a pillow? The tombstones upset the arthritis in my neck. Homer: Oooh~ Okay! Here! Now, go to sleep! Grandpa: There’s drool on this pillow! Homer: Heh. Heh. Heh. The old man thinks it’s drool. (Marge & Homer and the Simpson children laughing) The End.

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Simpsons

  • 1.
    Scene 1: Narrator: It’sanother careless day at the Simpson home. Homer is doing the usual; watching TV and drinking beer… Television: You can’t blame TV and movies for contributing to the delinquency of our American youth. You MUST blame the lazy, unfit parenting of the children’s homes. Parents need to pay more attention to their child’s activities! Homer: *phzzt* ! Stupid television! I’ll teach you to tell me how to be a good parent… Narrator: Unhappy with the family entertainment system; finding the tiny box more annoying than entertaining; Homer takes a pistol out from the pillows of the couch and blasts the screen a few times. Homer: Now see what you did?! I guess you’re gonna’ blame that on the parents too! Narrator: Why would we do that? This was clearly a case of aggravated assault. Not only can children push the wrong buttons and watch the wrong things, but apparently TV can push the wrong buttons as well? (Bart walks past the living room carrying a large box) Homer: Hold it, boy! And just where do you think you’re going? Bart: Chill out, Homer. This is just trash left over from the 4th of July. I was going to take them to some place that you won’t know, and dispose of them in a manner that I won’t tell you allowing you to rest easy knowing that you know nothing about anything that might upset you somewhere in the not too distant future. Therefore, you have nothing to worry about! Homer: Okay… HEY! Wait a minute! I know what you’re up too! You’re trying to do chores without being asked so you can ask me for a raise in your allowance! Well, I’m too smart for Mr. Smarty Pants! If you want that raise, you’re gonna’ have to go into the kitchen and fetch your old man a beer…and only then will I think about it! Narrator: Unbeknownst to our dome headed hero, Bart’s bow was full of dangerous exploding fireworks that required close adult supervision! (Bart sets the box down, goes to the kitchen for a beer, returns and gives the beer to Homer.) Homer: That’s a good boy. Now after careful consideration, my answer will have to beeeeeee~ no. Let this be a lesson to you. Underachieve and you’ll never be deceived.
  • 2.
    Bart: Eat myshorts! Narrator: What Homer also didn’t know, was that Bart maliciously shook the can of beer before retuning to the living room! And for those who do not understand the laws of physics, when one applies vigorous motions to extremely pressurised aluminium canisters filled with carbonated liquids; very bad things happen wince said canister is opened shortly after… (Bart leaves with the fireworks. Homer opens the beer and it explodes all over him) Narrator: Three hours have passed, and Bart has yet to return home. Marge calls for Bart, but she never receives a response… Marge: Bart? Homer, have you seen Bart? Homer: (thinking out loud) Careful how you answer brain. This could mean the end of our loafing around today while we slowly kill each other with delicious beer. Homer’s Brain: Don’t worry, pal! I’ve got this all under control! Homer: …(finally) No. Narrator: Marge thinks back and finally remembers hearing Bart rummaging through the attic. She also noticed that a box of fireworks Homer smuggled in from China vanished around the same time as Bart! Marge: I’m a little worried. He was snooping around in the attic again and he found that box of illegal fireworks that you smuggled in from China. And now Bart and the box are gone! Homer: China! I hate China! You can never trust a country that doesn’t have doughnuts! Mmmmm…doughnuts~ (drool) Marge: Maybe you should go look for him before he hurts himself, or worse! Homer: Not to worry, my loving maker of pork chops! I know just what to do! I’m going to Doughnut Hut to get those doughnuts! Marge: Don’t you mean you’re going out to look for Bart? Homer: Yeh, whatever. Narrator: Homer rushes to the door without looking back. Upon opening the door he finds himself face to belly with Chief Wiggum of the Springfield police. Wiggum’s face is as clueless as it usually is, but in his right hand he holds a slightly charred Bart. Homer: What do you want? Wiggum: Evening, Simpson. I believe this is yours? Homer: That’s not mine.
  • 3.
    Wiggum: We foundhim down at Mr. Burns’s mansion. Bart: I didn’t do it! Nobody saw me do it! You can’t prove anything! Wiggum: Funny thing is that the place was ablaze at the same time we found your boy in the back yard setting off illegal fireworks into the roof! Marge: Oh my goodness! Bart, did you set Mr. Burns’s house on fire?! Bart: I swear I don’t know what he’s talking about! Homer: why I’oughta – Narrator: Homer’s natural parenting instincts finally kick in and he immediately proceeds to share with Bart his pearls of wisdom…all ten of them wrapped tightly around the boy’s neck! Bart: Ack! Ack! Marge: Homer, stop that! We don’t know for sure that it was Bart! Homer: It was the boy alright! Take him away, officer. We still have two perfectly good children. If we need another boy, there’s a good chance Lisa will grow up to be a lesbian! Marge: Homer! Wiggum: Well…me and the boys back at the shop could use some moving target practice – Narrator: Marge thanks the Chief by slamming the door in his face. Marge: Is mommy’s special little boy safe? Homer: Yes…but not for long! Narration: Two weeks later, we find the Simpson clan sitting in the living room; probably for the last time. Mr. Burns has sued the Simpsons for child negligence and now holds the deed to their home. Burns has decided to move in immediately seeing as he is now homeless until reconstruction of his mansion is complete. He and Mr. Smithers are now looking around the home discussing plans for “remodelling”. Burns: Look at it, Smithers… I’ve seen end-trails of filthy swine that looked less humble than this monstrosity! Smithers: Shall I call for a wrecking crew in the morning, Sir? Burns: No, that won’t be necessary. I suppose I can sleep here for a few days until the repairs on my mansion are complete. (turning to the Simpsons) And all of you! I want you out of here by noon today! How dare you burn down the house of a helpless old man, leaving him homeless with nothing but this rotting piece of hollowed out drift wood to shelter him for a whole week!
  • 4.
    Homer: Please Mr.Burns! Don’t throw my family out on the cold streets! They didn’t burn down your house! It was the boy I tell you! Marge: Homer! Homer: Please, Mr. Burns? Don’t take our house! Take the boy instead! I’ll even dress him up in a little sailor suit and gift wrap him for you?! Smithers: (pleased with the idea) Hmmmm? Burns: Well this is an interesting proposition. I’ll tell you what, Simpson…you give me the boy for ten years, and you can keep this depressing hovel. Lisa: What would you do with Bart for ten years? Smithers: (licking his lips) Oh, I’m sure we could think of something… Burns: DOWN, Smithers! Smithers: Sorry, Mr. Burns. Burns: The boy will be taken care of, have no fear. All he must do is clip my toenails. Marge: Clip your toenails?! Burns: Yes, clip my toenails! Does that horrid blue hair clog your ear canals? You see, I’m working on a top secret cloning project, and I require someone I can trust to retrieve my toenail clippings. I wouldn’t want my DNA to fall into the “wrong” hands…(glares out the side of his eyes at Smithers who is innocently looking up at the ceiling) Homer: Mr. Burns, it’s a deal! Burns: Excellent… Bart: Have you lost your mind?! This is unconstitutional! Lisa: Bart? A six-syllable word? I’m impressed! Marge: Bart, honey, now what did mommy tell you about using words you don’t know the meaning of? This will save our house! Bart: There’s no way I’m going near that old man’s feet! Burns: I’ll let you degenerates to yourselves for now. You have until noon to decide! Smithers, carry me upstairs and draw me a bath. I must soften my nails so that they won’t chip the blades on the gardening shears. Smithers: With pleasure, Sir! (Mr. Burns & Smithers exit leaving the Simpsons alone in the room)
  • 5.
    Lisa: I’m afraidI have to agree with Bart on this one. It isn’t entirely his fault. Who allowed him to leave the house with the fireworks? Homer: Uh…God? Lisa: It isn’t fair that Bart should take full responsibility for his destructive actions. Marge: Lisa’s right, Homey. Bart looks up to you. He only acts this way, because he wants to be like you. Homer: Why can’t he be more like normal kids and model himself off of television? When I was his age, I wanted to grow up to be like my hero…Fred Flintstone~ (Homer is busy trying to turn on the television to drown out his nagging family, but it won’t turn on.) Homer: D’oh~ why won’t this TV work?! Marge: Because you shot it to high hell with that gun I thought I told you to get rid of months ago! Homer: D’oh! Marge: Just like I told you to get rid of those fireworks months ago! Homer: I did get rid of them, honey. Out of sight, out of mind? If we can’t see them, then they don’t exist, right? It’s not my fault if someone goes looking for them, for once they see it then they exist again! Lisa: Dad, you’re eating doughnuts off of the barrel of the gun. Homer: Just close your eyes, honey and the gun will disappear forever. (Homer demonstrates how to close your eyes and haphazardly aims the gun at Marge) See? The gun is gone! What gun, you ask? Exactly! Marge: Homer! Stop pointing that thing at me! Homer: Not to worry, Marge. I have the safety on— Narrator: Homer accidentally fires the gun, missing Marge by an inch. The bullet goes through the front door. The doorbell rings and Lisa answers it. Ralph Wiggum is on the other side with a bullet wound in the middle of his forehead. Ralph: I have a belly button in my forehead…(he sticks his finger in the bloody wound and wiggles it around) …It kindda’ itches. Will you be my doodle-long-day? Narrator: Ralph falls over motionless Marge: It seems like every time I tell you to get rid of something dangerous, you don’t and one of the children always ends up shooting somebody, or destroying someone’s home!
  • 6.
    Homer: Come tothink of it…I AM beginning to see a pattern developing! I know! Let’s get rid of the kids! Lisa: Dad! Bart: I have a better idea. Why not punish Homer this time? Lisa: You mean ground dad? Can we do that? Marge: I don’t see why not? We want you kids to learn from our mistakes. So I suppose it would be best to show you what happens when you don’t do what mommy tells you… Homer: I see what you’re doing! Well, it’s not going to work! There’s no way I’m going to be Burns’s footboy! Bart: I’ll clip Mr. Burn’s toes. But only if Homer gives up beer and doughnuts for ten years… Homer: Why you little—(Homer jumps up and strangles Bart) Bart: Ack! Ack! Marge: Actually, that sounds like a fair trade! Homer: WHAT?! But, Marge~ Lisa: Of course! Making Bart give up his freedom and childhood for ten years is like making dad give up his only passions in life and his civil right as an adult to consume alcoholic beverages! Homer: I’ll clip the toenails! Make Bart give up beer and doughnuts for ten years! Lisa: Dad, Bart won’t even be legally allowed to purchase beer for ten years! Bart: And I hate doughnuts! Homer: See? Hasn’t the boy been punished enough? To go though life never wanting a sweet, delicious doughnut—(drool)… Marge: It won’t be so bad, Homey. You’ll feel better after being sober for a few weeks! You’ll have more energy to do those things we like to do at night… Homer: I have been a little too exhausted to run to the all night Doughnut Hut, lately. D’oh~ But now I wouldn’t be able to eat the doughnuts! Lisa: Think of all the money we’d save from not buying beer and doughnuts? Marge: Last month we spent over $500 on beer and doughnuts alone! Homer: Shows what you know! I’ve been saving the family money already by dipping into the children’s college funds for the beer! Lisa: Dad?! Homer: What? Don’t look at me like that! I know what colleges are like!
  • 7.
    Marge: How?! You’venever been to college! You barely made it out of high school! Homer: I’ve watched Animal House! Revenge of the Nerds! Old school! You were just going to spend it on beer anyway! Why should they have all the fun? I worked for that money, I want my fair share of the beer! Marge: You see, Homer? This is exactly what we’re talking about! You’ve killed your brain with beer! And the hospital bills for your heart keep getting worse because you eat too much sugar! Homer: But they’re part of the basic food groups! Beer is cereal, only it tastes better and it makes you feel great! And doughnuts are what God sent to Noah to feed his people when he led them through Euro Disney and out of Egypt! Lisa: Perhaps it would be good for dad to restrain from ingesting canned fermented barley and hopps for a while? It certainly couldn’t hurt, could it? Narrator: Homer begins to imagine what life would be like if he chooses to give up beer and doughnuts. He finds himself driving along in his brand new hover car ten years into the future. Homer sees his pals Lenny and Carl walking by and decides to stop and say hello and to show off his luxury vehicle. Carl: Wow! Homer? Is that you behind the wheel of that 1903 custom built hover- crafting Cadillac? Homer: I should hope so, my good Carl. The license plates have MY name on them! Lenny: Whoa! Vanity plates! Tre posh, Homer! Just to think, 10 years ago you were just plain old Homer J. Simpson. Safety Technician of the nuclear power plant. And now— Carl: Yeh, Homer! What the hell happened? Homer: My son, bless his evil little soul, burned Burns. And as a reward he was forced to clip the old wrinkled puss’s toe nails! Lenny: If that’s a reward, then I’d hate to find out what the punishment would be for sending him flowers on Valentines day! Homer: You see, my poor, less fortunate friends Bart, unlike myself, was forced to learn about responsibility at a young age. He finally had to pay for his wrong doings. And as a result, he matured into a well-rounded, upright citizen of the world. On top of all of that, when Mr. Burns finally croaked, he left his entire estate to Bart, because he never had any children of his own. Bart became the son he never had! Carl: So where do you fit in to all of this?
  • 8.
    Homer: Bart boughtme this car as a thank you gift! Carl: Thank you? For what? Homer: I stopped drinking beer and eating doughnuts! Lenny: The HORROR!!! Hold me Carl! Carl: Don’t touch me in public, you fool! Homer: It’s alright guys. Once I stopped drinking my mind became clearer. And my senses improved! I became aware of all the things my life was lacking, like long-term goals; an adequate vocabulary of a male American my age; the practice of good personal hygiene on a regular basis— Carl: Come to think of it, you do look a lot healthier than you used to. When did you grow hair? Lenny: Yeh! You ain’t fat no more neither! And you smell good too! Homer: How right you are my closest closeted friends. And I feel much better too! As if a weight has been lifted from my strong, broad shoulders and cast into a wind, blowing it away into an abyss never to be seen or heard from its likes again! Lenny & Carl: Huh? Homer: Once I realized I was over qualified to maintain the life I’d been leading, I decided to pack my bags and seek out my destiny! Narrator: We are in the Simpson’s home six months after homer has accepted Bart’s challenge. He looks miraculously fit and handsome. He’s grown a full head of hair, and has even developed a slight British accent? Marge is holding onto Homer’s leg trying to keep him from leaving. Marge: Please Homey! Don’t leave! We need you! We love you! Homer: I know you do. But look at me! I am a GOD! The world needs me more than I need any of you lessers! All these years I’ve been holding myself back pretending to be something, when I was destined for greater things! I’m sorry, Margery, but I MUST go! Now, be so kind as to unhand my leg. It’s quite unbecoming of you. Narrator: We are now going back to the future, where Homer, Lenny, and Carl are still chatting… Homer: And so I went to school and received a Bachelor’s in Business, a Master’s in Physics, and a Doctorate in computer engineering. It wasn’t long before I invented those coffee lids with the sliding sip-door!
  • 9.
    Lenny: That wasyou! My god! You’re a legend! I finally get to kiss the hand of the man who’s saved my crotch from the scalding liquids that threaten certain impending doom while driving! Carl: Don’t let him kiss you. You don’t want to know where his lips have been today. Lenny: So you’re doing okay then? And Bart’s set for life! Homer: Letting Bart prune that old prune’s piggies, was the smartest decision I ever made! Carl: So Homer, what ever happened to Marge, Maggie, and Lisa? Homer: Who? Lenny: Your family that you abandoned ten years ago! Homer: Who? Lisa: Excuse me, but I think I can answer that! Homer: I’m sorry, but I don’t believe you are supposed to be in my imagination scene? Lisa: It’s me! Your daughter Lisa! Homer: Lisa! Of course! You look as if you’re doing well for yourself! Lisa: No thanks to you, mom had to turn tricks in the streets to make ends meet and to send Maggie to military school and me to Harvard! Homer: Oooh…a Harvard boy! Lisa’s all fancy-smancy now, with her “Harvard degree”. What are you going to do now, Miss “Lisa-I-graduated-from-Harvard-with- a-degree”? Run for president of the United States? Lisa: I AM President of the United States! Homer: Oh…so Marge is a hooker now? Lisa: She and Mrs. Grabapple started their own personal escort business. Their office is under construction so they had to temporarily move shop to the alley behind Moe’s Tavern. Narrator: We take a peek into a seedy alleyway behind Moe’s tavern and find Edna Grabapple and Marge Boulvie leaning against a wall. Johny: How much for a hummer? (Marge kicks the man in his crotch and whacks him in the head with her purse.) Edna: Christ Marge! He said “hummer” not “Homer”! Marge: Oops! I’m sorry. $50. Narrator: That was very insightful…Now let’s return to the blissful reuniting of a loving father with his long lost daughter…
  • 10.
    Homer: $50?! Iwould’ve at least charged him $60! Lisa: Even though you gave up on mom, and forgot about all of us just to go out into the world in pursuit of your own selfish welfares…I still forgive you. Homer: I do too think about you kids! Every day! Oh how I’ve missed the pitter patter of your feet as you all ran about the house, playing your childhood games of kick the can and red light grey light— Lisa: Green light! And we never played anything together! Homer: Oh those happy days long gone. Oh how I miss the joyous singing and laughter of you, and Bart, and Moby-- Lisa: MAGGIE! Homer: Ah, sweet innocent Maggie…How is daddy’s favourite little girl these days? Lisa: Come to think of it, I haven’t heard from Maggie in months! Narrator: Unbeknownst to Homer and Lisa, Maggie is perched atop a book depository directly across the street from them. She takes careful aim at her targets and opens fire on Lisa, and Homer. Narrator: Homer’s daydream is suddenly broken as he and the rest of the family scream out in terror… Simpsons: AAAAAAARRRGH!!!! Narrator: There is a moment of uncomfortable silence, until finally Marge breaks it… Marge: hmmmmm…~ Maggie: *squeegee-squeek* Lisa: Then again…~ Narrator: The Simpsons realised that they’d rather be homeless with their beer drinking doughnut munching imperfect man of the house; than Homer-less. They submit to their misfortune and move in with Grandpa Simpson in the Springfield Home for the Aging. It’s a little crowded in the small room, but at least they still have each other. And that is what’s important anyway, right? A home isn’t the size of the roof over your head, but the size of the love you share with the family that loves you… Grandpa: You’ve been here for six months! Can I sleep in my bed? Just this one night? Homer: No.
  • 11.
    Grandpa: Please? It’smy birthday! Homer: No. Grandpa: Can you at least make the dog sleep on the floor tonight, and let me sleep on the foot of the bed? Homer: No. Grandpa: Well, I guess I can go sleep in the cemetery again. Can I at least have a pillow? The tombstones upset the arthritis in my neck. Homer: Oooh~ Okay! Here! Now, go to sleep! Grandpa: There’s drool on this pillow! Homer: Heh. Heh. Heh. The old man thinks it’s drool. (Marge & Homer and the Simpson children laughing) The End.