2. Introduction
This lesson describes a few simple ways to write with clarity.
Apply its teaching points and your writing will take on a
clear, concise, and vigorous new quality. To improve further
and exceed the modest standards described herein, practice
and master the guidance outlined in these eight lessons.
3. Rationale
In today's world of time constraints and information overload, readers
don't have time to wade through obscure writing, searching for meaning.
If you write well, readers will read what you write, quickly understand it,
and remember who wrote it.
“As soon as you move one step from the bottom, your effectiveness depends
on your ability to reach others through the spoken or written word.”
—Peter F. Drucker
4. Goal
The goal of all correspondence is effective communications
5. Learning Objectives
Identify standards and rules for effective writing
Define the active and passive voice in writing
Describe types of wordy expressions
List ways to eliminate wordy expressions
Write sentences of proper length and emphasis
Package writing for ease of reading
Use editing tools to ensure correctness
Complete two small group exercises
Successfully complete end of course written test
8. Effective Writing
Sends a clear message in a single, rapid reading and generally
free of errors in:
Grammar
Mechanics
Usage
Message is concise, organized and to the point
Puts main point at the beginning of the correspondence
Uses active voice over passive voice
Emphasizes standard English sentence order:
Subject-verb-object arrangement
9. Specific Techniques
Follow standard protocols, policies or procedures
Use short words and sentences
15 percent of the sentence with two or more syllables
15 words or less per sentence
Write paragraphs that are less than 10 lines
Avoid jargon and acronyms
Unless previously explained in a sentence:
Hazardous Materials (HazMat)
Department of Homeland Security (DHS)
Correct spelling, grammar and punctuation
10. Specific Techniques (Cont’d)
Use I, you or we:
Not “the office…” “the TRO…” the department…”
Avoid sentences that begin with:
“It is…” “There is…” or “There are…”
Keep letters and memorandums to one page length
Use enclosures or attachments, if required
If an attachment is named in the letter
Use “Enclosure” or “Enclosures” and “a stated in…”
A list of attachments under “Enclosures” not required
11. The Need for Clear Writing
Since writing lacks the advantage of immediate feedback to
clarify meaning, it must be readily understood from the
beginning
Here's what happens if it's not:
The reader will waste time:
– rereading
– guessing
– grabbing a dictionary
– picking up a phone
The writer will waste time:
– taking calls from confused readers
– writing a clarification message, or
– explaining to an irate boss why the
document must be rewritten
12. Quality
While some bureaucratic writing is good, much of it is turgid
(boring), passive and confusing
In spite of efforts to eradicate it, poor writing still survives:
– It's embedded in the bureaucracy
– People think government writing should look and sound official
– Unlearned or insecure persons think they can impress others by
writing this way
– Writers don't know how or are afraid to change
– Leaders who should know better tolerate poor writing
13. Good Writers
All communicators must become good writers
If documents require signatures it’s even more important
Widely read documents can have a large impact
One who writes with a golden pen has an edge
Otherwise talented persons who don’t write well work at a
disadvantage
The gifted writer says it best:
Bad writing makes bright people look dumb.
--William Zinsser
14. English Sentence Order
English sentence order is: subject-verb-object
The subject is the agent responsible for the action
The verb identifies the action the agent performs
The object is that which is being acted upon
Example active voice: “Ron (wrote) the letter”
Ron is the agent - the subject of this sentence
(Wrote) is the verb
The letter is the object
15. English Sentence Order (Cont’d)
Example passive voice: “The letter was written by Ron”
Ron is no longer the agent - the subject of the sentence
But has become the object of the preposition, “by”
The letter has become the subject of the sentence
17. Active Writing
Emphasizes the doer of the action
Shows who or what does the action in the sentence
By putting the doer before the verb
Creates shorter sentences
Eliminating the passive voice
Reduces the number of words in a sentence
Example:
Passive: A time extension is being requested for PW 123 of the
RSD until…(thirteen words)
Active: The RSD requests a time extension for PW 123 until…
(ten words)
18. Passive Voice Writing
The passive voice is easy to recognize
A verb in the passive voice uses:
A form of “to be” plus the past participle of a main verb
(such as, am, is, are, was, were, be, being, been)
The main verb usually ending in an:
“en” “un” or “t”
(Examples: arisen, begun or caught)
“The decision process had not begun”
Or with “ed”
(Examples: were completed, is requested)
“The report was submitted to them late”
19. Active Voice Verse Passive Voice
Active Voice
Uses fewer words
Takes less time to read
Identifies the agent
Passive Voice
Uses 20 percent more words
Takes more time to read
May omit the agent
20. Passive Voice
To obtain approval for our continued work on PW 123 the
RSD is requesting a time extension until August 28, 2010.
Sentence too wordy and long
21. Active Voice
The RSD requests a time extension for PW 123 until August
28, 2010.
Sentence is shorter and better
22. Convert Passive Sentences to Active
Identify the agent
Move the agent to the subject position – up front in the
sentence
Remove helping verb, “to be”
Remove past participle, “ed”
Replace helping verbs and participles with:
An “action word”; or
A “verb”
23. Example of Conversion
Original:
The report has been
completed
A decision will be made
Revised:
Jack completed the
report
Jill will decide
24. When to Use Passive Voice
Use the passive voice when
the:
Receiver is the focus of the
action
Agent is unknown
Agent is irrelevant, or
Situation call for discretion
Examples:
John was awarded a prize
The store was robbed
The paragraphs will be
numbered
No decision has been made
(your boss is sitting on the
action)
26. Wordiness
This lesson describes how to eliminate wordiness in writing
sentences using the active voice
27. Wordiness Expressions
Types of Wordy Expressions:
Pompous Diction
Overuse of The, That, and Which
Dummy Subjects
Redundant Pairs
Redundant Modifiers
Needless Repetition
Compound Nouns
28. Pompous Diction
Some writers choose words to impress, rather than to express
Big words and pompous phrases add deadwood that hinders
meaning
Most wordy expression have much shorter common
synonyms far easier to:
Read, write, say, and hear
See Appendix B, Simpler Words and Phrases
29. Pompous Diction
Examples:
Instead of saying:
Request consideration be
given to
For the purpose of
Due to the fact that
Forwarded under a
separate cover
Pursuant to authority
contained in FEMA…
Prioritized list
Try saying:
Consider
To
Because
Sent separately
Per FEMA…
Priority list
30. Overuse of The, That, or Which
Use these words to clarify meaning; otherwise, leave them
out:
The regulations won’t allow it
I fell that it’s a good decision
The report which I’m writing is nearly finished
31. Dummy Subjects
Dummy subjects are empty
expressions that:
Obscure the real subject
Make the sentence longer
Delays the point
Encourages passive voice,
and
Hide responsibility
Examples: Beginning a
sentence with:
It is my intention…
It appears the train is…
There is (are) too many…
It will be my purpose…
32. Examples
Instead of saying:
It is my intention to
There is one thing
bothering me
It appears that
It is essential that you
Try saying:
I intend to
One thing bothers me
I think
You must
33. Exceptions
Beginning a sentence with:
It is permissible when the pronoun refers to its antecedent in
the previous sentence
Example:
“In spite of efforts to eradicate it, poor writing still survives”
“It’s embedded in the bureaucracy”
34. Redundant Pairs
Create meaningless or unnecessary distinction
Two ideas are slightly different, how important?
Eliminate one and retain the one that expresses the meaning
more precisely
Examples:
The manager’s function and role….
The diplomats engaged in a frank and candid dialogue
The staff provides guidance and assistance
First and foremost, we must focus on priorities
35. Redundant Modifiers
Basic fundamentals
Actual facts
Really glad
Honest truth
End result
Separate out
Start over again
Symmetrical in form
Narrow down
Seldom or ever
Examples of redundant modifiers:
36. Needless Repetition
Needless repetition of words or phrases also creates
redundancy and makes writing appear juvenile:
Before:
In the absence of a FEMA representative or PAC equivalent,
version requests may be signed by a substitute officially
designated and acting for FEMA or as a PAC
After:
If a FEMA representative or PAC is not available, an
authorized substitute may sign version requests
37. Compound Nouns
Instead of saying:
Materials replacement
alternatives
Increased high cost area
allowances
Try saying:
Alternative for material
replacement
Increased allowances for
high cost areas
Don’t use long strings of nouns as modifiers
Revising the sentence may add a word or two, but it’s easier to
read:
39. Smothered Verbs
This lesson explains how to shorten sentences by eliminating
smothered verbs
40. Smothered Verb
A smothered verb is a verb converted to a noun
It needs a helping verb and prepositions or articles to express
action
This lengthens a sentence and saps its vitality
It also encourages use of the passive voice
“Example: We are in agreement with the decision.”
The writer has smothered the main verb (agree) with a noun
(agreement)
The noun now requires a helping verb (are) and a preposition
(in) to relay action
41. Action Word or Verb
Rewrite this sentence using an “action word” or “verb”
An action word is one that expresses meaning without
helping verbs or other modifiers
Example: We agree with the decision
The action word (agree) has shortened the sentence
By eliminating the:
Smothered verb (noun): “agreement”
Helping verb: “are”
Preposition: “in”
42. Distinct endings
Most smothered verbs have distinct endings
Examples:
- ness
- sion
- tion
- ance
- ant
- ence
- ity
- mant
- ment
43. Weak Helping Verbs
Smothered verbs rely on weak helping verbs to show action
If one of them appears, you know a smothered verb is
present
Example:
- give
- have
- hold
- be
- can
- conduct
- do
- effect
- get
- make
- provide
- put
44. Converting Smothered Verbs
To give a sentence more punch, convert a smothered verb
into an action word or verb
This eliminates the need for a helping verb and other
modifiers
Instead of saying:
We held a meeting
I made a choice
They conducted an investigation
Consideration was given to
We are in support of the plan
He made an attempt to escape
Try saying:
We met
I chose
They investigated
We considered
We support the plan
He attempted to escape
47. Length
Previously, we reviewed how using the active voice and
eliminating wordy expressions enhances clarity
This may not be enough
If sentences are all long or all short
Paragraphs may still be hard to read, and
Not provide clarity to the reader
48. Variety
Sentences should average about 15 words in length
Sentence length should vary – between long and short
Caution: Writing all long or short sentences – present too few
or too many points of emphasis
It makes them
Monotonous
Dense and hard to read
Choppy, telegraphic and
juvenile
Don’t make all sentences
The same length
Long
Short
49. Too Long
Example:
My office has reviewed the request for time extension letter
received from the St. Charles Community Health Center, Inc.,
for a category B project worksheet, PW number 4239, which is
attached as enclosure 1, that is requesting a time extension date
of August 28, 2010.
Analysis:
This sentence of 45 words with four stringy thoughts
We’re not sure which point the writer is emphasizing
This sentence should be divided into shorter ones
For easier reading and clarity
50. Short and Choppy
Revision of original sentence:
My office has reviewed the request for time extension letter received from
the St. Charles Community Health Center, Inc. Attached as enclosure 1 is
their time extension letter for a category B project worksheet, PW number
4239. They are requesting a time extension date until August 28, 2010.
In accordance with 44 CFR § 206.204(d), GOHSEP supports this request and
is forwarding their letter to your office for approval.
Analysis:
The body of this letter is three short sentences.
They’re easier to read, but the message is still choppy.
It raises three points of emphasis for the reader to ponder.
The letter however, is not personal.
We can make these sentences more effective by rewriting them.
51. Just About Right
Example (two short sentences):
We have reviewed the request for time extension from the St. Charles
Community Health Center, Inc., for their Category B Project Worksheet,
4239. Attached as enclosure 1, is the Applicant’s Letter requesting a time
extension date until August 28, 2010.
In accordance with 44 CFR § 206.204(d), GOHSEP supports this request and
is forwarding their letter to FEMA for approval.
Final revision:
The letter is more personal and professional
Analysis:
We replaced “my office” “your office” with “we” and “FEMA”
We have combined thoughts for clarity
53. Beginning of Sentence
Place introductory, preliminary, previously known, or less
import points at the beginning
This tells the reader these preceding words have lesser
emphasis than what is to follow
54. End of Sentence
Place the point you wish to emphasize at the end of the
sentence
You want to stress the newest or most important point there
55. Bad Example
I called Jeanne and told her the good news, upon learning I
was selected for the job
Analysis:
In this example, the emphasis is misplaced
Old information (job selection) should appear in the front and
introduce the new information
56. Good Example
Upon learning I was selected for the job, I called Jeanne and
told her the good news.
Analysis:
In this example, old information precedes the new
57. Review
To add clarity to sentences,
– use the active voice
– delete extraneous words
– reduce clauses to phrases or words
– replace long words with short ones
– control sentence length, and
– emphasize the main point at the end
60. Rationale
An ordinary meal is made more inviting when served with
fine tableware and appealing garnishes
Similarly, readers are more likely to read something when it's
attractively packaged
Packaging is the arrangement of text to enhance its
readability and visual appeal
This opens up writing and gives it white space
Whatever format used—letter, memo, or fact sheet—
packaging makes it easier to read
61. Structure
Structure correspondence for easy reading
First, open with a short, clear purpose sentence
Next, place as the main point:
Recommendations,
Conclusion, or
Other important information
Last, clearly separate each section by:
Short paragraphs headings, or
Section titles
62. Examples of Main Points
Staff writing doesn't feature suspenseful narratives and
surprise endings
Putting the main point up front allows a reader to review a
matter quickly and go on to something else
Examples of main points:
Purpose
Request
Reason for writing
Recommendation
Conclusion
Bottom line
63. Finding the Main Point
To find the main point, pick the sentence you would keep if
you had to cut out all the rest
In other words, request something before justifying it or
provide an answer before explaining it
To put the main point up front,
Open with a short statement of purpose, and
Then state the main point
Sometimes you can combine the two statements in one
sentence
64. Visual Appeal
Most newspapers and magazines published today are visually
appealing and easy to read through the clever use of visual
devices
However when using these devices, don’t overdo it: too much
is as bad as too little
Text boxes
Underscoring or italics
Tables and graphs
Graphic illustrations
Examples:
Color
Labels
Bullet lists
Bold heading
67. Bullets
This lesson discusses how to use bullets to make a long
sentence easier to read
68. Bullet Format
Step Action
1 Break the sentence into a lead-in statement and list ideas under it
Use this technique only for a long series
Don't use it for a series of only two or three ideas unless you want to
emphasize them
2 Punctuate the lead-in statement in one of two ways:
If the lead-in state is: The use:
A complete sentence a colon (:)
An introductory phrase an em dash (--)*
*Style may vary, as explained below
3 Use the same grammatical for each listed item, such as an infinitive phrase,
noun or verb
69. Example
Before:
Departure information will include a complete forwarding
address, the reporting date to the new unit, the order and
paragraph number, the issuing headquarters, and the date of
departure
After:
Departure information will include:
complete forwarding address
reporting date to new unit
order and paragraph number
issuing headquarters, and
date of departure
70. After Alternate Style
Required departure information:
Complete forwarding address.
Reporting date to new unit.
Order and paragraph number.
Issuing headquarters.
Date of departure.
71. Styles
Punctuation conventions for bullet lists are flexible
To minimize punctuation in this text, we’ve omitted the em
dash after introductory phrases
Limit the use of periods and capital letters
Whatever style bullet or punctuation adopted, be consistent
throughout
When in doubt, follow local SOP
73. Editing
This lesson explains how to edit copy, whether it is yours or
another writer’s
74. Difficulty
Even gifted writers often find writing to be an arduous task
Editing one’s own work can also be trying because we’re apt
to confuse our intent with what we actually wrote
We don’t always express intentions clearly
75. Pride of Authorship
Your writing is fair game to those reviewing it as it passes
through the system
Be prepared to have it criticized and modified
To cope with pride of authorship:
practice writing every day
prepare excellent work that withstands scrutiny
ask experts to help with errors you didn't see or can't fix
accept valid criticism gracefully, and
be tactful when proving critics wrong
76. Editing Procedures
Step Action
1 Lay copy aside for a day or two, time permitting
2 The read it from the reader’s viewpoint
3 For objectivity, ask a critic to read the document
4 Read the copy aloud, to listen to how the text flows
To edit copy, take these steps:
Tip: In a first draft you’ll write too much; in the second cut out half the
words – paying attention to any meaning loss in the document
77. Editing a Writer’s Work
Most writers have thin skin when their work is edited
Many editors have the same shortcoming
It’s easier to see this fault in other writers
No one writes poorly on purpose
Only a few do so from laziness
Besides pointing our errors
Also offer your assistance for improvement
78. Do Not Nit Pick
Someday, workers may write letters for your signature
Before nit-picking them to death and returning the letter
Ask yourself if the letter must be perfect or simply acceptable
The mark of a good executive … you’re handed letters which you
know
you could have written better yourself and you sign them anyway.
--General Dwight D. Eisenhower
79. Rules
Don’t Do
Judge one on writing ability Be objective
Nit-pick about minor grammatical points
or arbitrarily change word
Weigh the value of proposed edits against
cost in time and effort
Change writing for literary effect Focus on meeting standards
Hold on to your standards of perfection Accept the writing if it meets minimum
standards of published SOPs
Ruthlessly mark up every minor thing Give feedback, one step at a time
Use editing as an evaluation exercise Use editing to help the writer learn
Rewrite work; this relieves writers from
responsibility and causes resentment
Show the writer how to improve
When editing a writer’s work, follow these rules:
80. Checklist
x Checklist Notes
Just enough information
Examples where needed
Relevant facts
Logical argument of position
Objective
Edit first for completeness:
81. Checklist
x Checklist Notes
Main point up front
Active voice
Short words and sentences
Paragraphs one inch deep
No jargon or pompous words
Edit second for conciseness:
82. Checklist
x Checklist Notes
Subject matter laid out clearly
Subject advanced in stages
Smooth transitions
Clear linkages between stages
Correct spelling & punctuation
Informal
Packaged attractively
Edit thirdly for clearness:
83. Hands-on Exercise
SALs, given a writer’s letter and checklist will edit the
writer’s letter using the three “C”:
Completeness
Conciseness
Clarity
SALs will “report back” to the group using their checklist
Instructors will review the SAL’s work and provide feedback
84. Writer’s Letter
Dear Mark Deboiser:
Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office FIPS # (051-02CC4-00) request an extension for
the completion of Category C-G Work for the Project Worksheets as stated in this
request. In our request, we have provided the project worksheet #, estimated date
of completion, explanation of justification, and the extension request date. These
projects are essential for Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office to continue to provide
quality public support for the community.
Thank you for consideration of this request and if additional information is
needed please contact our office. See projects below:
Letter continued on the next slide.
85. Writer’s Letter (Cont’d)
PW
#
Project Title Cat Estimated
Completion
Justification Time
Extension
2138 Bonnabel Boat
Launch
E 07/31/10 Pending Alternate Project 07/31/10
5370 Vehicle
Replacement
E 07/31/10 Pending Documentation 07/31/10
5457 Vehicle-Radios &
Modems
E 07/31/10 Pending Improved Project 07/31/10
Respectfully,
/S/
ROLAND E. FRANKLIN
Chief Financial Officer
Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office * Harvey, LA 70058 * (504) 363-5500
86. Assignment
Rewrite this extension letter using the guidance provided in
this course
Do not focus on the letter head, subject or salutation
You have 30 minutes to provide a draft letter for review to
the instructors
Work as a team to complete this project
You are free to refer to this training document as necessary
87. Instructor Review
Instructors should review letters written by the SALs
Stress to the SALs this exercise is designed to help them to
provide guidance to their Applicants
Letters should follow established protocols
Distribute exercise handout when you have completed your
review
88. Summary
Instructors will review:
Learning objectives
Standards and rules
Active and passive voice
Using the active and passive voice
Wordiness
90. Written Test
Pass out written test and answer sheet
Review testing instruction
Allow SALs 15 minutes to take the examination
Review answers with SALs
91. Review Appendices
Appendix A – Informal Staff Language
Appendix B – Simpler Words and Phrases
Appendix C – Discussion Papers
92. Course Critique
Pass out course critiques
Allow SALs 5 to 10 minutes to complete the critique
Collect course critique sheets before concluding class
93. Certificates of Completion
Pass out Certificates of Completion
Thank them for their attendance and participation
Let them know how importance this course will be to them
moving forward
Congratulate them for successful completion of the course
