1) The document is a presentation from @FlyoverJoel providing a quarterly review and goals for the Lifecoachers organization. 2) It contains sarcastic and absurd "life coaching" advice on topics like relationships, health, career, and the environment. 3) The presentation promotes unrealistic and unhealthy goals like partying excessively, overeating, and embracing failure.

1. @LIFECOACHERS Q4 REVIEW: CAPS
LOCK OR GTFO
An @FlyoverJoel Presentation

2. Q4 2011 Goals Achieved
You spend all your time lying to yourself, which is good practice for lying to your family.
1
Don't give up on yourself until everyone else does, that way they can laugh at your futile
2 determination.
It's perfectly acceptable to cut pictures of people from catalogs, put them in your wallet and
3
lie to your coworkers about your great family.
Be a better person: start recycling your arrest warrants, credit card bills and STI test results
4
instead of crumpling them into rage balls.
Don't give into your rage, or spiteful feelings. Stuff them deep inside so they can explode later
5
at just the right person.
Live AND die boldly. Basically be running naked at the SWAT team with a machete in each hand
6
when you go or die unfulfilled.
7 Write you own LIFECOACHERS goal here.

3. 2011 ROI
Buying new pants is easier
than dieting.
Exercise daily! On one hand
you'll lose weight and get
healthier; on the other you
might die any moment of a
huge heart attack. Win/win!
Larder, better, fatter, stronger.

4. LIFECOACHERS Goes Carbon
Neutral, Methane Positive, in 2011
Don't worry about the environment; you are
100% biodegradable.

5. Socio-Philio-Economic Decision
Making Arrow (We just made that up)
A strong
imagination Denial IS
makes for strong Ethics. LOL.
self-delusion.
an ethos.
This is a LIFECOACHERS Arrow Chart.

6. 2011 Decision Making Process

7. Duality of Mind and Liver
Act like this is the Friday you are The most practical key to peace of
going to cut loose & party like crazy mind and happiness this holiday
as you plan your Doritos, beer and season? Anything 80-proof in a flask
horror flicks loneliness fest. you can carry everywhere.

8. 2011 Critical Success Factors
• Don't bring a baseball bat to a psychokinesis fight.
• Having feelings is the leading cause of having hurt
feelings.
• Love your neighbors; smite your enemies; tickle-fight your
competitors; snuggle your mildly annoying but ultimately
harmless acquaintances.
• Achieve more goals by getting better at soccer.
• Declare yourself a church and everything becomes a tax
write-off.
• Having trouble smiling? Put on some clown makeup and
rob a bank.
• Park your kids in front of the TV for 10 or 20 years. It
worked out so well for you.

9. 2011 Critical Success Factors
Doing this year's
Christmas cards in Comic
Sans is a great way of
letting everyone know
you hate them.

10. 2011 Critical Success Factors
COACH
YOUR OWN
LIFE MAKE IT
GET OFF ITS
ASS AND DO
WIND
SPRINTS TILL
IT PUKES
THEN
WHORE IT
OUT TO
COLLEGE
RECRUITERS

11. 2011 Critical Success Factors
Sometimes a $7 pitcher of beer
is just a $7 pitcher of beer.
If you keep digestion in mind,
you're always multi-tasking.

12. The Four Quadrants of Pie (Sweet, Delicious, Pie)
• You can go to jail for • The unexamined life is
murdering people but you hilarious.
can't go to jail for murdering
people's hopes and dreams.
Harmony Proactivity
Synergy Success
• The best joke is the
• Why believe in yourself one you play on
when you can believe in yourself every time
booze? you try to succeed.

13. 2011 Strategic Alliances
When it comes to children, there are no returns or gift-
receipts. However, you can regift them at an orphanage.

14. Forward Looking Statement
Practice
The new "American Way" is to never stop
1 eating. Even while you're asleep, so
practice your night-chewing.
The universe laughs at the
Understand grandeur of your hopes and
dreams. Unless your dreamlife
2
When you wonder why your friends are
friends with you, the reason is because they
consists of Lunchables, daytime TV
need someone to feel superior to. & Diet Mountain Dew.
Resolve
The secret to success is praying that the
3 part of you that loves failing isn't stronger
than the part of you that loves gloating.

15. Build to Your Dreams
Hot coffee in the crotch is better than
warm Pepsi up the butt.
TAKE UP SMOKING WITH EXTRA
GLUTEN AND SOY
Combat the symptoms of Seasonal
Affective Disorder (SAD) with plenty of
tropical drinks!
If you're too ugly to sleep your way to
the top, do your best to at least nap
your way to middle management.
Nothing is wrong with two pyramid metaphors on one slide.

16. A New Year and a New Paradigm
Your New Failure Paradigm:
1. Begin by failing
2. Consume alcohol
3. Accept failures aren't lessons
4. Consume alcohol
5. Embrace failure

17. Success Is the Final Frontier
You can achieve anything in life except for being an
astronaut. Probably not going to happen.

18. QUESTIONS?
LIFECOACHERS is a collection of Twitter personalities
providing you the best life advice you can get on the
internet. You can follow them on Twitter at
https://twitter.com/lifecoachers or if you aren’t as cool, on
Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/LIFECOACHERS
FlyoverJoel is not a member of LIFECOACHERS but you
can still read his daily musings at
https://twitter.com/FlyoverJoel or
http://www.facebook.com/FlyoverJoel.