Assisting men in recognizing, unpacking the root causes and coping with their uncontrollable anger

1. HELPING MEN
DEAL WITH

2. ANGER HAS MANY FACES

3. Anger & Hostility
• Hostility is not the only means of
misdirecting anger
• Anger not channeled consciously
comes out in all sorts of ways
•
•
•
•
being silent (passivity or avoidance)
being negative and sarcastic
exaggerate being upset over trivial irritations
getting other people upset (to relieve one’s
own anger).

4. EXPRESSION
OF ANGER

5. EXPRESSION OF ANGER
• The expression of anger seems more natural for men
than expressing other feelings
• In Aussie culture, men will sometimes find their
other feelings of grief through their anger. Many
times in working with men I have found that while a
bloke is expressing anger (loudly, with movement of
the body, etc.), he’ll suddenly be moved to tears. It is
almost as if touching on that profound and deep
feeling of anger brings a man in touch with his other
feelings
• A man's anger during grief can range from being
angry with the person(s) who wronged them, to
being angry at themselves, to being angry with God,
and all points in between.

6. Men and the Protective Mode of Grief
Men around the world seem to have
developed various means to deal with
their anger relating to their grief.
Rosenblatt's study of cross-cultural
grief points out that it is consistent
across different cultures that men will
express more anger than women during
grief, particularly if it is focused outside
the self.
Rosenblatt, P.C. (2001). “A social constructionist perspective on cultural differences in grief” in
M. S. Stroebe, R. O. Hansson, W. Stroebe, & H. Schut (eds.),
Handbook of bereavement research: Consequences, coping, and care (pp. 285-300).
Washington, DC: American Psychological Association Press.

7. Definition of Grief
Unfinished hurt (unprocessed pain)

9. Men and the Protective Mode of Grief
• The denial of “unprocessed pain” is a
dangerous thing and leaves most men in
perpetual states of needing to live a lie
• Living this lie has big effects on our
psyche. It cuts us off from the world
around us and limits our capacity to relate
to others. If we are busy maintaining a
false image, we will not be able to be fully
in the present.
Billett, K. (2007). “The Emotional Blanket” in Living Now Magazine [July], 97:10-12.

10. Are Men Dealing with their Anger?
• Men with a high
hostility rate (raging)
are most likely not
dealing with their
anger
• Due to this, men are
misdirecting anger out
to various targets that
are only tangentially
associated with the
original feeling
• By dealing with one's
anger, we can avoid
this dilemma of longterm hostility

11. Suffice it to say that pain unprocessed is transmitted!
In men, this is most likely occur in the form
of RAGE (hostility)

12. We hurt the ones most
close to us

13. But there is another WAY…
The Way of Weeping - to feel the
tragedy of the things, the sadness of
things

14. Weeping
mode
comes
when:
• We can’t fix
things
•We can’t
change things
•This is so
unfair
•How could
this happen to
me?

15. Only when we reach the end of our own
resources, do we face our “crisis of
limitations”
Only, then are we free to move towards
the weeping mode.

16. If we choose to store up our hurts
we become “embittered” old men

17. A young man who cannot cry is a savage
And an old man who cannot laugh is a
fool

18. Helping men deal
with their anger
requires that they
process unresolved
grief (pain)

19. Men and women process pain very
differently

20. •Women have a language and
vocab to express their inner hurts
•They allowed to touch one
another.

21. •Men just go numb and close
down inside.
•Men go into their caves and sit
by themselves, lost for words

22. Much that passes as male anger is
actually sadness, loneliness or
fear - and they don’t even know it!

23. Me

24. “If I let myself go, and opened to my
sadness, I’d cry buckets. There is so
much sadness…”

25. •The act of a man's consciously
dealing with his anger during grief is
many times instrumental in his path
toward healing
•It can also have many other benefits.
One obvious plus is that what you are
on the outside is in harmony with
what you feel on the inside.

26. Transformation is the way forward but:
We’ve got to create the space and
time to allow this process to happen

27. • Men overwhelmingly try to deal with life
through their heads with thoughts, theories
and theologies. The head is both their
control tower and their downfall.
• Another approach is to integrate body,
mind, soul, and spirit.

28. •Men do not now how to
grieve
•They need to be taught

29. When we experience in our hearts what
we try to resolve in our heads- only then
can we begin to weep
YOU CAN’T HEAL WHAT YOU
CAN’T FEEL

30. Teaching Grief Work is Essential
•Men need to know that this is a
special place (sacred and liminal)
•Its a place where we can’t risk getting
rid of pain- until we have learnt what it
has to reach us
It always has something to teach us

31. If we don’t allow ourselves to
grieve- we want to fix it quickly,
control it, understand it- only to
shut the process down

32. Grief work has done its work when:-
•We don’t have to blame anyone anymore
•Even yourself

33. •When I stop hiding it and denying it
•Stop projecting it elsewhere
•Acknowledge not only who I am
•But also whose I am
•And I KNOW that God has chosen to
truly love me

34. Sooner of later life will lead you to a dark
place “in the belly of a whale”.

35. The only sign He would give us
was “the sign of the prophet
Jonah”
That sooner or later, life will lead
us into a dark place, into the belly
of the great fish, into something
we can’t fix, can’t control and
more than likely can’t even
understand

36. In hindsight…
We recognise that the very things that
we lamented over were the very things
that brought us to God
So, then
We begin thanking Him for them

38. THE TREE OF LIFE

40. Jesus used a tree to
explain many spiritual
things:
Mat 12:33 "If you grow a healthy tree,
you'll pick healthy fruit. If you grow a
diseased tree, you'll pick worm-eaten
fruit. The fruit tells you about the tree.
•Mat 24:32 "Take a lesson from the fig
tree."
•Luke 6:43 "You don't get wormy
apples off a healthy tree, nor good
apples off a diseased tree. 44 The
health of the apple tells the health of the
tree. You must begin with your own lifegiving lives. 45 It's who you are, not
what you say and do, that counts. Your
true being brims over into true words
and deeds.
•Luke 13:6-9; Luke 21:29-32; Romans
11:16-24; Rev. 2:7; Rev. 22:2
•
(The Message)
The Tree of Life
TREE METAPHOR:

41. •ONLY 10% OF TREE’S
OVERALL BIOMASS (60-70% of
profile, area, space used)
•MOST CONSPICUOUS
PART OF THE TREE
•ANY ‘ODDITIES’ MOST
OBVIOUS IN THE CROWN
(GALLS, BLIGHTS, INSECT
DAMAGE, DEFORMED
BRANCHING / TOP, ETC.)
•PROVIDES ‘NESTS FOR EAGLES’
(Mark 4:32); FRUITS;
PHOTOSYNTATE FOR TREE
GROWTH, VIGOR,
REPRODUCTION, ETC.
The Tree of Life
THE CROWN

42. •UP TO 45% OF TREE’S
OVERALL BIOMASS
•STILL CONSPICUOUS
BECAUSE IS ABOVE
GROUND
•AFFORDS STRUCTURE
AND TRANSPORT SYSTEM
TO THE ROOTS (XYLEM /
PHLOEM); OFFERS
STRENGTH AND SUPPORTS
THE CROWN, FRUIT, ETC.
•SUSCEPTIBLE TO
WOUNDING, INFECTION
COURTS, INSECTS,
DISEASES, ETC.
The Tree of Life
THE TRUNK (bole)

43. •OVER 45% OF TREE’S
BIOMASS
•UNSEEN; HIDDEN
BENEATH THE GROUND
•PROVIDES FOOD
(NUTRIENTS) FOR TREE’S
SURVIVAL
•ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL
FOR CONTINUED
PROPAGATION, ANCHORING
IN THE WIND, STABILITY,
AND HEALTH/VIGOR.
•SUCEPTIBLE TO TOXINS,
DISEASES, PESTS IN THE
SOIL MATRIX.
The Tree of Life
THE ROOTS

44. COMPARISON OF HUMAN
EXPERIENCE TO THE ECOMODEL:
LIFE IN THE CONSCIOUS
10% OF WHAT WE PERCEIVE,
FEEL, EXPERIENCE
LIFE IN THE SUBCONSCIOUS
< 45% OF WHAT WE PERCEIVE, FEEL,
EXPERIENCE
LIFE IN THE SUBCONSCIOUS
< 45% OF WHAT WE PERCEIVE, FEEL,
EXPERIENCE
The Tree of Life
TREE METAPHOR:

45. THE CONSCIOUS
10% OF WHAT WE PERCEIVE, FEEL,
EXPERIENCE IS
WHAT WE
SPEND MOST OF OUR TIME
TRYING TO “FIX”
COGNITIVE, BEHAVIOURAL,
RATIONAL THINKING i.e. “THE
POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING”
LANGUAGE; THE SPOKEN /
WRITTEN WORD i.e. Scripture,
lectio divina, etc.
WE TRY PRUNING THE
BRANCHES & BUDS; WHEN
THAT FAILS, CURSE THE
TREE & THE FRUIT
(Mark 11:12)
The Tree of Life
WHAT DOES THIS METAPHOR
TELL US ABOUT OUR OWN
SPIRITUAL JOURNEY?

46. THE SUBCONSCIOUS
45% OF WHAT WE PERCEIVE, FEEL,
EXPERIENCE IS
MOSTLY
TOTALLY IGNORED
REACHED THROUGH
IMAGERY, RITUAL,
REFLECTION, MEDITATION,
CONTEMPLATION
BEYOND LANGUAGE, AND THE
SPOKEN / WRITTEN WORD –
KEY WORD = INTUITION
WE ALLOW THE HIDDEN
UNCONSCIOUS TO SURFACE AND TO
BE ‘NOTICED’
WE CAN’T GET TO THE
SACRED PLACE OF HEALING
EXCEPT THROUGH THE
TRUNK
The Tree of Life
WHAT DOES THIS METAPHOR
TELL US ABOUT OUR OWN
SPIRITUAL JOURNEY?

47. THE UNCONSCIOUS
45% OF WHAT WE PERCEIVE,
FEEL, EXPERIENCE IS
UNSEEN, HIDDEN FROM
VIEW…
In this place we are mostly
UNAWARE
BEYOND THOUGHT, WORD &
DEED -- CAN ONLY BE
REACHED THROUGH
SITTING WITH THE FATHER
No ABSOLUTES here
KEY WORD = LIMINALITY
The Tree of Life
WHAT DOES THIS METAPHOR
TELL US ABOUT OUR OWN
SPIRITUAL JOURNEY?

48. THE UNCONSCIOUS
IS LIKE: THE SOIL
SUBSTRATE
IT CONTAINS HIDDEN
ANXIETIES, FEARS,
FEELINGS, ETC.
“TOXINS” TO BE
NEUTRALIZED – JUST
LIKE THIS POGO
CARTOON
VERY OFTEN THE
‘TOXINS’ ARE US…
The Tree of Life
WHAT DOES THIS METAPHOR
TELL US ABOUT OUR OWN
SPIRITUAL JOURNEY?

50. The Awareness Pyramid
Conscious
Mind
Deeper Awareness
(Why does the fruit die?)
Intuition (experiential via ritual)
Epiphany (hearing the voice of God)

51. The Intention is to:
Develop a consistent “approach” to explore
from the shoots to the roots
MAKING THE UNCONSCIOUS –
CONSCIOUS

52. Stage of Descent-Needs to rest in God’s promises and
model the wholeness/holiness for other
The Male Spiritual Journey
Stage of Ascent- Needs to make
and keep promises
Doesn’t get it; tries to keep ascending despite
the evidence and the invitation; the shallow
male
Old Fool
Male
Crisis of Limitation
30-50
Initiation
Early
teens
SELF
IDENTITY
Heroic
Journey
1-32
Necessary
Period of
idealism. Healthy young
man needs to experience
his own power and
possibilities. Necessary
egocentrism: not in love
with God, but in love with
the idea of being in love.
Angry Young Man
Never gets to
experience his own
power, goodness or
potential (in some
cases a head start on
the spiritual journeyearly initiation- if he can
see God in it and
comes to a deep sense
of self) Normally a
negative acting out.
Appropriate sense of
one’s boundaries, a
sense of self adequate
to let go of self: The
grain of wheat must die
or remain just a grain of
wheat (John 12:24)
Young Fool
The mid-life crisis:
a time of inner loss
of meaning,
sometimes
accompanied by
failure, falling apart
and “acting out” to
regain power and
control.
Confrontation with
one’s limits, with
paradox and
mystery- with the
cross. Heroic
virtues don’t work
anymore, nor do
they always help.
Needs humility,
honesty. Early
movement from
self-control to the
beginnings of god
control
Embittering Journey
Confrontation, but no enlightenment.
Wounds did not become sacred wounds;
Wisdom
Journey
still looking for something to blame.
The negative and cynical man
Needs
Holy Fool
Spiritual guidance
because rules no
longer work in their old
form. Letting go, trust,
patience, surrender,
holy abandonment,
compassion, the dark
night of faith, the
Abrahamic Journey
from what you have to
what you don’t have.
Finally secure enough
to be insecure. Time of
painful insights and
major surgery. Painful
redefining victory and
success; putting on the
Mind of Christ. Cannot
fake prayer anymore.
The shadow is not just
tolerated, but
embraced and forgiven
and seen as gift. Mercy
instead of sacrifice
God’s beloved son,
mellow
“grandfather” who
can hold together
the paradoxes
because God has
done it in him. God
is finally in control.
Return to simplicity,
to the garden
beyond
judgements,
“reason” and
control to wisdom.
Being human more
important than selfimage, role, power,
prestige or
possessions. He
has it all