1.
LOVE, ANGER &
FORGIVENESSWilliam G. DeFoore, Ph.D. www.defoore.com
National Wellness Conference, 2006

2.
OUR JOURNEY AHEAD…
•Holding on and letting go
•Origin & nature of :
Love
Anger
Forgiveness

3.
OUR JOURNEY AHEAD…
•Healthy/unhealthy anger
•Healthy/unhealthy forgiveness
•The role of empathy
•Grieving & forgiveness
•Thought-action-feeling overview
•Anger, forgiveness and intimacy
•Self forgiveness, faith & optimism

4.
HOLDING ON…
•Love makes us want to hold on
•Hold too tight, and love is gone
•Anger is holding on
•Holding on becomes control,
jealousy, dependency—not love

5.
LETTING GO…
•“Love is letting go”
•“Anger release” means letting go
•Forgiveness is letting go of anger
•Deep love requires
surrender
•Letting go can be the
beginning of control

6.
•It’s “blind,” “intoxicating”
•It “makes the world go around”
•It’s what we want & fear most
•It can lead to control
•It is a primary motivator
•It just might be who we are
LOVE

7.
ANGER
•Comes from love & fear
•Can destroy love
•Judgment
•Projection
•Victim position
•Holding on

8.
FORGIVENESS
•Release
•Letting go
•Return to love
•The “good” thing to do

9.
ANGER IS…
Wanting something you
don’t have:
•Justice
•Revenge
•Change in others

10.
FORGIVENESS IS
Accepting and being
at peace with…
what you do have

11.
ANGER IS…
•Energy, emotion—energy in motion
•For your benefit & protection
•Natural and healthy at its core
•Toxic when repressed & denied
•Destructive when isolated from love
and wisdom

12.
ANGER IS NOT…
•The “bad guy”
•An effective form of vengeance
•Behavior—aggression/violence
•A good communicator by itself
•The opposite of forgiveness

13.
FORGIVENESS IS NOT…
•Absolving the perpetrator
•Letting anyone off “the hook”
•Approval for behavior
•For the forgiven—necessarily
•Denying the need for justice

14.
FORGIVENESS IS…
•A process—not an end point
•Taking responsibility for your
wounds
•Holding the perpetrator
accountable
•For benefit of your health
•A return to love

15.
ANGER & FORGIVENESS
AS THE SAME

16.
UNHEALTHY
ANGER
•Judgment
•“One up” position
•Dishonoring to the self

17.
PREMATURE
FORGIVENESS
•Judgment
•“One up” position
•Dishonoring to the self

18.
HEALTHY ANGER
•Power
•Release
•Letting go
•Out of the victim position
•Exists in a container of love

19.
TRUE FORGIVENESS
•Power
•Release
•Letting go
•Out of the victim position
•Exists in a container of love

20.
7/3/2014
Thoughts
Actions
Emotions
UNHEALTHY ANGER
•“It’ not my fault”
•“They” are bad/evil
•“I’m good because I’m not them”
•Aggression, attack, violence
•Passive-aggressive behavior
•Depression/illness
•Victim feeling
•Nursing wounds
•Helplessness/powerlessness

21.
7/3/2014
Thoughts
Actions
Emotions
HEALTHY ANGER
•“They are responsible for their actions”
•“I am responsible for my reactions”
•“How can I grow stronger, wiser, safer?”
•Taking time for emotional release
•Spiritual practice
•Effective, productive action
•Power/strength
•Release/relief
•Forgiveness/acceptance

22.
GRIEF AND
FORGIVENESS
•Both start with love/vulnerability
•Both involve loss/injury
•Both are blocked by unexpressed
anger, rage, hatred
•Both require movement through
pain & sorrow
•Both involve a return to love

23.
EMPATHY AND ANGER
•Perpetrators lack empathy
•Empathy is a bridge for
communication
•Empathy allows other to be
human & dispels illusion of
self-righteousness

24.
•Both require understanding
•Every victim contains a
perpetrator
•Empathy allows acceptance
when forgiveness is not
attainable
EMPATHY AND
FORGIVENESS

25.
•The greatest love
•The greatest anger
•The greatest need for forgiveness
ANGER, LOVE AND
FORGIVENESS IN INTIMATE
RELATIONSHIP

26.
THE ROLE OF
PROTECTOR/PROVIDER
In Intimate Relationships

27.
We need protection from:
•Anger
•Sarcasm
•Neglect
•Criticism
•Judgment
•Projection

28.
And we need to provide:
•Love
•Safety
•Support
•Forgiveness
•Responsibility
•Financial wellness
•Spiritual leadership

29.
THE ART OF
APPRECIATION
1.Raises the value of
a.The relationship
b.The person (in your eyes)
2.Lowers your stress level
3.Raises your energy level
4.Inspires loyalty &
camaraderie
5.It’s good for your health, so
do it for you!

30.
Emotions Reflected in Heart Rhythm Patterns
Source: heartmath.org

31.
ANGER, LOVE, FORGIVENESS
& YOURSELF
•Healing of basic shame
•Embracing the inner critic
•Becoming your own best friend
•Importance of faith and optimism
•Accepting freedom and
responsibility

32.
Web Resources
WilliamDeFoore.com
Goodfinding.com
AngerManagementResource.com