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LOVE, ANGER &
FORGIVENESSWilliam G. DeFoore, Ph.D. www.defoore.com
National Wellness Conference, 2006
OUR JOURNEY AHEAD…
•Holding on and letting go
•Origin & nature of :
Love
Anger
Forgiveness
OUR JOURNEY AHEAD…
•Healthy/unhealthy anger
•Healthy/unhealthy forgiveness
•The role of empathy
•Grieving & forgiveness
•Thought-action-feeling overview
•Anger, forgiveness and intimacy
•Self forgiveness, faith & optimism
HOLDING ON…
•Love makes us want to hold on
•Hold too tight, and love is gone
•Anger is holding on
•Holding on becomes control,
jealousy, dependency—not love
LETTING GO…
•“Love is letting go”
•“Anger release” means letting go
•Forgiveness is letting go of anger
•Deep love requires
surrender
•Letting go can be the
beginning of control
•It’s “blind,” “intoxicating”
•It “makes the world go around”
•It’s what we want & fear most
•It can lead to control
•It is a primary motivator
•It just might be who we are
LOVE
ANGER
•Comes from love & fear
•Can destroy love
•Judgment
•Projection
•Victim position
•Holding on
FORGIVENESS
•Release
•Letting go
•Return to love
•The “good” thing to do
ANGER IS…
Wanting something you
don’t have:
•Justice
•Revenge
•Change in others
FORGIVENESS IS
Accepting and being
at peace with…
what you do have
ANGER IS…
•Energy, emotion—energy in motion
•For your benefit & protection
•Natural and healthy at its core
•Toxic when repressed & denied
•Destructive when isolated from love
and wisdom
ANGER IS NOT…
•The “bad guy”
•An effective form of vengeance
•Behavior—aggression/violence
•A good communicator by itself
•The opposite of forgiveness
FORGIVENESS IS NOT…
•Absolving the perpetrator
•Letting anyone off “the hook”
•Approval for behavior
•For the forgiven—necessarily
•Denying the need for justice
FORGIVENESS IS…
•A process—not an end point
•Taking responsibility for your
wounds
•Holding the perpetrator
accountable
•For benefit of your health
•A return to love
ANGER & FORGIVENESS
AS THE SAME
UNHEALTHY
ANGER
•Judgment
•“One up” position
•Dishonoring to the self
PREMATURE
FORGIVENESS
•Judgment
•“One up” position
•Dishonoring to the self
HEALTHY ANGER
•Power
•Release
•Letting go
•Out of the victim position
•Exists in a container of love
TRUE FORGIVENESS
•Power
•Release
•Letting go
•Out of the victim position
•Exists in a container of love
7/3/2014
Thoughts
Actions
Emotions
UNHEALTHY ANGER
•“It’ not my fault”
•“They” are bad/evil
•“I’m good because I’m not them”
•Aggression, attack, violence
•Passive-aggressive behavior
•Depression/illness
•Victim feeling
•Nursing wounds
•Helplessness/powerlessness
7/3/2014
Thoughts
Actions
Emotions
HEALTHY ANGER
•“They are responsible for their actions”
•“I am responsible for my reactions”
•“How can I grow stronger, wiser, safer?”
•Taking time for emotional release
•Spiritual practice
•Effective, productive action
•Power/strength
•Release/relief
•Forgiveness/acceptance
GRIEF AND
FORGIVENESS
•Both start with love/vulnerability
•Both involve loss/injury
•Both are blocked by unexpressed
anger, rage, hatred
•Both require movement through
pain & sorrow
•Both involve a return to love
EMPATHY AND ANGER
•Perpetrators lack empathy
•Empathy is a bridge for
communication
•Empathy allows other to be
human & dispels illusion of
self-righteousness
•Both require understanding
•Every victim contains a
perpetrator
•Empathy allows acceptance
when forgiveness is not
attainable
EMPATHY AND
FORGIVENESS
•The greatest love
•The greatest anger
•The greatest need for forgiveness
ANGER, LOVE AND
FORGIVENESS IN INTIMATE
RELATIONSHIP
THE ROLE OF
PROTECTOR/PROVIDER
In Intimate Relationships
We need protection from:
•Anger
•Sarcasm
•Neglect
•Criticism
•Judgment
•Projection
And we need to provide:
•Love
•Safety
•Support
•Forgiveness
•Responsibility
•Financial wellness
•Spiritual leadership
THE ART OF
APPRECIATION
1.Raises the value of
a.The relationship
b.The person (in your eyes)
2.Lowers your stress level
3.Raises your energy level
4.Inspires loyalty &
camaraderie
5.It’s good for your health, so
do it for you!
Emotions Reflected in Heart Rhythm Patterns
Source: heartmath.org
ANGER, LOVE, FORGIVENESS
& YOURSELF
•Healing of basic shame
•Embracing the inner critic
•Becoming your own best friend
•Importance of faith and optimism
•Accepting freedom and
responsibility
Web Resources
WilliamDeFoore.com
Goodfinding.com
AngerManagementResource.com

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Love, Anger and Forgiveness