Dr. Bawdy, his life and times. Dr. Celestial Bawdy is the world's foremost authority on sex—says he. Keep up to date on his latest news, research and advice --> www.bawdylanguage.com

2. Table of Contents
I. Introduction
VI. Stardom
II. The Early Years
Publications Galore
Birth
View from the Top
Parental Struggles
Multi-Talents and Multi-
Toddlerhood
Tributes
Reverend Bawdy
Problems
VII. Turning Point
First Awakening
Psychological Scarring Exit Mother Claire
Enter Violet
The Inside Story
III. The Middle Years
The Road Less Traveled
Education
VIII. Demise and Fall
IV. Young Adulthood
Struggling for Recognition
Out into the World
Financial Ruin
The War Years
Humiliation
The Secret
Broken
V. Emergence
IX. The Vanishing
Return Home
Prominent Scientist
X. Glimmers of Recognition
Self-help Guru
Rediscovery
Resurrection
Footnote to History

3. Dr. Celestial Bawdy: His Life and Times
I. Introduction
I have long been enamored with excavating from the dust-bin of history, individuals who
shaped the course of human events but who, for the most part, have been relegated to
obscurity. Such a giant was Dr. Celestial Bawdy (1835-?).
I first stumbled on the good Doctor during my sojourn in the hallowed halls of ivy, on a
warm summer’s evening, while imbibing beverages with my fraternity colleagues. In the
flow of conversation, a fellow Skull and Bonesman happened to mention Bawdy’s name in
conjunction with a dirty joke—half mockingly, half in reverence. When I requested more
information, he quietly demurred, mumbled something about having to leave, and abruptly
rose from the table. Others soon followed.
I sat there alone—my curiosity piqued. Who was Dr. Bawdy? Why had mere mention of his
name caused such discomfort and embarrassment? I longed to know more. This set me off
on a life-long search for Dr. Bawdy.
Even today, few know of him, and those who have are divided as to his character. Almost
two centuries after his disappearance, his name remains obscured by an aura of intrigue
and controversy. He is truly a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma—or as those
in the sex industry know him—a true condom.

4. Larger than life, this charismatic figure has generated dozens of conflicting stories, making
it difficult to separate fact from fantasy. Was he an imposter and fraud; a valiant and much
decorated hero in the Crimean War or a renegade sharpshooter; a brilliant scientist or
quack; a charming ladies’ man or sex addict; a towering 19th century philosopher or total
nut case?
Of one thing we can be certain: Bawdy has had an immeasurable impact on modern
thought and behavior through his reconstruction of the English language. He is at once the
father of the sexual revolution and the patron saint of dirty talk. Without him, we would
still be expressing our sexual urges with snorts and grunts. Comedians everywhere would
be forced to earn their laughs on humor alone. He is a linguistic genius to whom we should
all be grateful. What follows is the result of years of research—a testament to his true
genius. This is the story behind the story, behind the man
—Dr. Lawrence Paros

5. II. The Early Years
Birth
Celestial Bawdy was born on May 27, 1835 in Herringbone-by-the-Sea. He was the son of
the Rev. Clive Bawdy, the life-long vicar of Thirkleby, Yorks and Claire Strumpet, a scullery
maid at the village tavern, The Cock Inn.
The site of his conception was the kitchen table at the tavern. It was there that Reverend
Bawdy and Claire consummated their consenting adult relationship amidst the clutter of
the breakfast dishes, the stench of week-old beef stew, and the clatter of unwashed pots
and pans. Passion, however, triumphed over hygiene, and the sex was even filthier than the
table on which it took place. A plaque commemorating the occasion today hangs long and
proud on the front door of the tavern which has since become a Mecca for tourists
worldwide.
The Cock Inn Today
Some nine months later, “Young Mr. C.” as his Nanny called him, first saw the light of day
from a stall at the local livery stable. According to a local scribe, it was a dark night, but the
moon and the stars shone brightly, inspiring his name “Celestial.” Present at the occasion
were only his mother, a midwife, known only as “Sympathy,” and a young stallion named
“Studley.” His father was home in his study preparing the Sunday sermon.

6. Parental Struggles
Initially, Vicar Bawdy refused to acknowledge responsibility for the fruits of his virile loins.
After much soul searching and acknowledging how good the sex had been, he agreed to
tread the honorable path, taking Claire as his wife. Having thus committed himself, he took
her five times a week thereafter.
Their marital union, however, was controversial because of Claire’s lower-class upbringing,
and unions such as this were considered socially taboo in early 19th century British
society.
Celestial as an infant with his Mother, Claire
Claire had also attained a certain notoriety in the village for her predilection for amorous
dalliances and freely bestowing her favors. She had what was then called a “reputation,”
and popularly referred to by such soubriquets as “the public ledger,” “with hundreds of
entries,” and “the town haberdasher, fitting heads of all sizes and shapes.”
The Herring Bone Herald kept a running account of her exploits in the sports section,
celebrating her every liaison, with the headline, “Record broken!”
Reputations be damned, her marriage to Clive marked a new start for Claire, wiping clean
these black marks on her character as she segued into the role of loving wife and mother.

7. The couple would go on to have three additional children, Hope (1837-1872), Charity
(1839–1891), and Hyperbole (1841–1888) ..
Bawdy Home
Toddlerhood
Celestial went through the ordinary pangs of toddlerhood: nail biting, thumb sucking, hair
twirling, and nose picking. He also showed a quick interest in toilet training, taking to it
with a vengeance. It took little urging from Mother Bawdy to accustom him to regular use
of the potty, in the course of which he quickly became fascinated with his own feces.
Celestial at 1-3 years of age

8. A playful and creative lad, Celestial would often form them into unique shapes and then
bake them in the hot sun. Many of the neighbors were taken with his precocious artistry;
others simply held their nose as they went by.
Celestial showed little interest in other children his own age; the only eventful occurrence
came when he pulled down the panties of a neighbor girl and sat her naked butt square
down in a mud puddle. There was something about her dirty little ass which amused him
greatly—though he could not quite put his finger on it.
Beside the neighbor girl, his other favorite toys were his butcher shop and his doll,
“Grimace,” which he slept with and perpetually kept close by.
Grimace Toy Butcher Shop
Courtesy of the Bawdy Museum

9. Reverend Bawdy
Bawdy’s father, the Reverend Clive, was no ordinary churchman. Many considered him a
renegade cleric and “freethinker.” He proclaimed himself unshackled by Church doctrine,
and answered to no one—save God.
Reverend Clive Bawdy
At the time of Celestial’s birth, he suffered a severe mental breakdown (alas, the trauma of
fatherhood has been known to do that for some). Somewhat eccentric behavior followed.
He was given to bathe fully clothed in the local pond, after which he would shed his
garments and parade about naked through the town square. Other times he would fill his
pockets (on those occasions when he left his pants on) with snakes and insects which he
had collected, comingling them with leftovers from previous meals. Arming himself with a
saw and axe, he would arbitrarily attack trees or fences marring his view. Any
townspersons who dared show umbrage at his actions would be chased after by the
weapon-brandishing Bawdy, screaming excerpts from the Old Testament at them.
A few local citizens considered his actions a threat to law and order. His parishioners,
however, viewed his idiosyncrasies with reverence, and flocked in huge numbers to his services.

10. Reverend Bawdy’s sermons were a veritable Saturday Night Live on Sunday morning: a
polished stand-up routine, colorful tales of hells’ fire and damnation, ad hoc histrionics,
partial nudity, and an organ accompaniment by Mother Bawdy that rocked the house.
The entire congregation waited with bated breath each Sunday for the highlight of each
sermon—that moment when the Good Reverend shook the church rafters with a
thunderous breaking of wind to punctuate a particularly dramatic point.
Problems
The Right Reverend was a big hit—no doubt about it. Each Sunday, “Standing Room Only”
signs adorned the trees outside the church, long crowds circling round the block.
Reverend Bawdy’s Church of Dyspepia
Young Mr. Bawdy, however, was deeply troubled by his father’s eccentricities. When
Celestial asked his mother if there was something wrong with him, she simply replied: “It’s
only your father being himself.” This was of little help. Other children often mocked
Celestial about his father’s strange behavior. He struggled to find the right words to
respond, but they never came . This marked the beginning of a life-long effort to express
the inexpressible. Words were becoming a priority in his life—even over sticks and stones.

11. First Awakening
One day while probing the basement of their home, Celestial chanced upon a bundle of old
copies of Sunny Side Up (the British nudist publication which arrived monthly at the
vicarage in a plain brown paper wrapper) stacked stealthily away in a corner.
Celestial, age 9
He undid the strings and unloosed a magazine from the top, holding a single tattered copy
in his hot little hands. Suddenly he was awash in a sea of sensuous sepia as his eyes darted
rapidly from picture to picture of middle-aged Britons in the buff at the seashore. His
breath came in strange short pants, his face reddened, and strange sensations began to stir
in the nether regions of his groin.
This was the first time he had ever seen an adult naked body. “These bodies are cool,” he
thought, “even though they have rather strange and wrinkly things hanging from them.”

12. Psychological Scarring
Coincidentally, the most traumatic incident of his youth occurred shortly thereafter, when
one evening he chanced on his mother and father making the beast with two backs. “Why
were they thrashing about in so violent a manner?” he asked himself. “What could they
have been doing?”
When he later asked his father the same question, he received a sharp cuff to the ear for his
troubles and was sent to his room. “Why could this not be talked about? It certainly
sounded important, and maybe even fun!” He asked himself. It was then that he first felt
the urge to properly describe what his eyes had seen. “Someday,” he avowed, “I will speak
and write about such matters.” But for now, there were no words. A childhood scribbling was
the best he could do in his efforts to capture that moment.
Celestial’s rendition of the Beast with Two Backs
Courtesy of the Bawdy Museum

13. III. The Middle Years
Education
At age ten, his parents enrolled him in the local parochial school, Our Lady of the Strained
Tendon. There he came under the tutelage of a certain mathematics teacher, Sister Peter
Cleavage, with whom he formed an intimate teacher-student relationship.
It began innocently enough when she kept him after school one day for not standing to
answer a question. It was one of those awkward teenage moments when his organ, not he, was
in good standing.
Matters concluded when she successfully aroused him in the ante chamber of the chapel—
under the approving gaze of the Virgin Mother—artfully applying several hard switches
across his bare arse for failing to properly master the multiplication tables. Alas, he never
quite got it. He properly learned to subtract his trousers; divided his time well between
after school play and the Sister’s tutorials; yet his problems in multiplication just continued
to add up.
So taken was Sister Cleavage with the errors of his ways, she continued in this manner the
rest of the school year, and the next, and the one after that, disciplining him thusly on a
regular basis—a source of both confusion and pleasure to him.
Sister Peter Cleavage Celestial, Middle School Lad

14. While his math skills devolved to a new low, his manhood attained new and hitherto
unknown heights with each lashing.
After each delicious beating, young Celestial coped unsuccessfully trying to understand
what had just happened as he lay in bed reviewing his math. He renewed his pledge to one
day find the right words to describe what had he had experienced.
His classmates called it “sex.” What was it about words and this thing called “sex?” Why
did people talk about it only in whispers—if at all? Why was it so hard to find the right
words to describe it?
Celestial stayed at school until age 13 when he completed his course of study, passing most
of his exams and meeting Sister Peter Cleavage’s exacting standards, though at the time of
his departure he still had trouble with his nine tables.

15. IV. Young Adulthood
Out Into the World
After spending the next two years living at home, Celestial decided that he wanted to
become a doctor. He had been called to the profession by a local wench who introduced
him to the game in his father’s barn.
His prowess at playing doctor, in fact, had attained such prominence that all the local lasses
were soon beating a path to the barn where he had set up his practice. It wasn’t long before
he began charging for consultations. Charge he did, yet they continued to come. Celestial
had found his life’s work—and his bliss. Despite Celestial’s emerging prowess, his father
argued against medicine as a career, insisting he become a solicitor instead.
Aspiring Physician, Dr. Bawdy
Ignoring his father’s entreaties, in 1850 the young Dr. Bawdy packed all his belongings into
an old kit bag and surreptitiously left home in the dark of night. From there he travelled to
Overton-on-Dee in South Wales, where he became an apprentice to Dr. Evan Scissorhands,
a member of the college of surgeons and a cut above the rest.
Though his father refused to supply him with the necessary financial support, he received
money for his tuition from various family members, especially Uncle Boris who served as
Chancellor of the Exchequer, a member of the Board of Barclay’s, and a seat-holder on the
London Stock Exchange.

16. The War Years
In 1853, his apprenticeship with Dr. Scissorhands abruptly ended. The war in the Crimea
was waging, and its seductive call beckoned Bawdy to duty on behalf of crown and country.
He enlisted in her majesty’s First Royal Dragoons (now the Blues and Greys) and did
exemplary service both at Balaclava and Sevastopol. He was wounded in battle, taking a
bullet to the groin which, according to Bawdy, occurred while staunchly defending his
position and protecting his cohorts. His valor was celebrated by Arthur Lord Tennyson
whose interview with Bawdy, inspired a great poem of tribute.
Bawdy at Balaclava
A fellow soldier, a certain Master Sergeant Snodgrass, however, disputed Bawdy’s account,
saying he had merely tripped over his rifle, inadvertently sending a bullet into his groin
while engaged in an act of self-abuse.
Regardless of the circumstances, in recognition of the occasion—Bawdy received the
Victorian Cross and Distinguished Service Medal while he spent the next year rehabilitating
at an Army hospital in the Crimea.

17. There he was tended to by an angel of mercy, a certain Ms. Nightingale, who cared for his
wounds, joining kind words with a healing vertical motion. Slowly but ever so surely, he
began to recover the feeling in his groin, and his spirits (which is what he liked to call
them) soared.
Nurse F. Nightingale
Bawdy was ever grateful for the ministrations of his nurse and the hand she played in his
recovery, taking time later to record the words which best described her healing strokes.
He wrote them on scraps of paper which he then stuffed into his pockets. These tiny hand-
scribbled notes would eventually become part of the Bawdy heritage.
Scribbled Notes on Nurse Nightingale’s Hand Job
Courtesy of the Bawdy Museum

18. The Secret
Bawdy had left the battlefield with a dirty little secret. Little did his nurse or anyone else
know, that in a personal satchel, which he had brought back from the battlefront, there
resided a most strange souvenir—the head of a Russian officer which he had severed from
the body.
Sergei X
The officer had fought valiantly and Bawdy had been so taken by his courage and verve as
well as the odd shape of the man’s head and the variety of bumps adorning his cranium, as
to cause him to wonder as to the correlation between the shape of the man’s head and his
character.

19. V. Emergence
Return Home
Upon his release from service, Bawdy studied the head for nights on end, complimenting
his efforts with treatise after treatise on phrenology. A quick study, he soon mastered the
subject and developed a unique theory of this unique head of his former enemy.
Brilliantly integrating his own absurd ideas with those plagiarized from other alleged
experts, he created an original paper under his personal imprimatur. He entitled it
“Russian to Judgment,” and it was quickly accepted for publication in Phrenology Today, a
popular journal which bridged the gap between science and the masses. It was greeted
with critical acclaim by both scientists and lay people alike, catapulting Bawdy to the
forefront of the profession.
Prominent Scientist
Suddenly, as if from nowhere, Bawdy emerged as a major figure in the scientific
community. His work was solidly based on the hypotheses of Viennese physician and
world-renowned phrenologist Joseph Gall and his adherents, Johann Kaspar Spurzheim and
George Combe. But Bawdy challenged and expanded their hypotheses.

20. His efforts culminated in November 1861 with his best selling Getting and Giving Head: The
History and Conversion of an Anti-phrenologist, followed six months later by Bumps on the
Road—Towards an Understanding of Human Nature.
The third jewel in Bawdy’s Triple Crown of publication occurred in February 1863 with
Some Gall! In which he challenged the primary teachings of the master himself; all his
works were published in the Lancet, the British medical journal, and across the pond in the
new Annals of Phrenology.
Father of Phrenology: Inspiration for Dr. Bawdy
Bawdy’s reputation among his peers grew exponentially. He stood tall in expanding new
research designs in the field. He was the one who conducted studies among inmates of jails
and lunatic asylums to gain a fuller understanding of the traits that were presumed to be
“criminal” and “insane.” These he named after their excessive manifestations, proceeding
to map out organs of murder, theft, rape, burglary, etc., thereby creating a map of the
human scalp dividing it into oblong and coterminous patches, correlating them with
designations such as amativeness, combativeness, destructiveness, etc. Never had human
behavior been made any clearer, and it was Celestial Bawdy who made this all possible.

21. Self-Help Guru
Bawdy’s writings reverberated far outside the scientific community. His was a unique
talent: the ability to blend rigorous scientific investigation with the ability to translate his
findings in a manner comprehensible to the masses. His reach was ecumenical. He alone
had that rare ability to describe his findings in a manner acceptable by his scientific peers,
but in a language ordinary people could also understand. For the first time, everyone could
read and analyze not only what is in their head, but what was on the outside as well.
An entire category of books of literature soon came to be identified with him. They were
called “self-help.” Initially fine booksellers did not take the genre seriously, locating
Bawdy’s books in the rear of the bookstore, near the bathroom, or the “head,” joking, “What
better place could there be for books on phrenology.”
Their little joke, however, soon backfired, resounding mightily on behalf of Bawdy. Before
long, all customer inquiries for the location of the “head” were being dispatched in the
general direction of Bawdy’s books. The “head,” the “toilet,” “phrenology,” and “self help”
had suddenly become synonymous, only further enhancing the ease with which one might
find his works. Sales of his books soared.

22. VI. Stardom
Publications Galore
Bawdy was prolific. His books dominated the marketplace—one blockbuster after another.
Taking your Lumps: Working with the Head God Gave You, was followed by Out of your Skull
and into yourself. As fast as he wrote the, they rolled off the presses and flew off the
shelves. Book lovers everywhere queued up in bookstores, hoping desperately for an
available copy of Getting a Head in Life.
The Bawdy Collection… Best Sellers All
Lay people and scientists alike were awed by the scope and the clarity of his writing and
how it so thoroughly linked various formations of the skull to certain mental faculties and
traits of character.
Best of all, his books were free of technical jargon and accessible to the larger public. They
gave people the faith that the key to their life lay all within their head, allowing them at last
to see the shapes of their own destinies.
Bawdy was soon holding salons and meetings nationwide. He was a national cultural
phenomenon. His books and pamphlets packed the self-help sections of bookstores
throughout Britain and to the edge of the literate world.

23. View from the Top
He was now a major celebrity. It became fashionable to invite him to dinner parties and
gala affairs where he would examine the heads of friends and groups of persons with
certain peculiar head shapes and prominences which they had in common—searching for
the distinctive feature of their characteristic trait.
He became the personal physician to great figures of the time, such as Charles Dickens,
William Makepeace Thackeray, John Forster, William Macready, and Wilkie Collins.
His social life was a similar whirlwind of activity. There was the temporary courtship of
Mary Ann Evans, inspiring her conversion to lesbianism, and it was he who suggested her
pseudonym of George Eliot. Later came his gadding about town with noted courtier
Suzanne Crumpet and lunching and partying with Madame Fifi, proprietress of the largest
London brothel, Leche ma Chat.
Dandy Dr. Bawdy
It seemed he always had an attractive woman on his arm, but little was known about his
ways with them. Bawdy was always the subject of speculation whirling about him and
numerous tales about alleged sexual escapades in The Sunday Bull and other tabloids.

24. Multi-Talented and Much-Attributed
Bawdy, however, stood above it all. He was, in every sense of the phrase, “a Renaissance
man.” He singlehandedly expanded the scope of human knowledge, dabbling in a wide
range of scientific interests: galvanism, electricity, magnetism, heat, light, sound, and
philosophical laws of harmony. Not limited to science, he was equally versed in the literary
sphere. He wrote poetry in Italian, translated Anacreon into Italian, carried on an infamous
"literary duel" in English on "the impossibility of the tonic accent or emphasis falling on a
short syllable," and wrote Latin pieces in the style of Horace and Catullus. His limericks
were recited in pubs nationwide. In his few spare moments, he would dash off Latin
inscriptions for medals and monuments… Nulli Secundus…What a Guy!
Queen Victoria Knighting Dr. Bawdy
The whirlwind of activity surrounding him was capped with a final tribute to his greatness,
an invitation to Buckingham Palace where he knelt before her majesty Queen Victoria; who
vested in him in the Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle, duly dubbing him
“Sir Bawdy,” laying the sword first on his right and then his left shoulder, to the thunderous
applause of royal onlookers and the gratitude and approval of an adoring nation.

25. VII. Turning Point
Exit Mother Claire
These were the salad years, 1860—1885. Bawdy was now at the peak of his profession and
the toast of British society. Life, however, has its ways of playing its dirty little tricks on us.
On January 21 of that year, it dealt Bawdy a severe blow when he received word that his
dear mother, Claire had shaken off her mortal coil by an errant kick to the head by the
horse Studley, the very one who had attended Celestial’s birth. Oh, the irony of it all!
Mother Claire
Claire’s Funeral Procession
Devastated with grief, Bawdy locked himself in his room, subsisting for days on only stale
crumpets and Earl Grey tea, tended to by his loyal man-servant, Weasley.

26. Enter Violet
In his search for solace, Bawdy turned away, however, from his society high fliers and his
coterie of coquettes, initiating instead a relationship with a young girl we know only as
Violet, an uncultured street urchin, and seller of hot chestnuts, twenty five years his junior,
who would later appear on his marriage certificate as his wife.
Violet D
Uncomfortable in the ways of London society and burdened by a noxious cockney accent
this same uncultured creature would turn Dr. Bawdy’s life around and help him fulfill his
true destiny. It would be she who would introduce him to a wide variety of sexual
practices and become his teacher and guide in what would turn out to be his true life’s
work.

27. The Secret Diary
The most comprehensive account of their initial intimacies can be found in Bawdy’s diary
which now resides at the British Museum. I, dear reader, was privileged to gain access to it,
thanks to political connections forged over a generation in investigative journalism.
Security was tight at the museum from the moment I first mentioned the Bawdy collection.
The guard frisked me down and asked that I remove everything from my pocket, after
which it was requested that I disrobe completely. After the removal of my undergarments,
I was subject to the most intense and personal probing—a highly intrusive though, an
admittedly not unpleasant procedure.
Dr. Bawdy Personal Diary
Courtesy of the British Museum
I sat there alone, bare-assed and shivering, alone in the room with the good Doctor’s diary.
A guard supervised my every move from a glass tower above the reading room. My hands
shook as they reached out for the sacred document.
I fondled the delicate worn cover that contained such secrets. Slowly, ever so reverently, I
opened the book. I started reading. My head immediately recoiled, struck by the detail, the
passion, and the clarity with which Bawdy expressed himself.—his first night with Violet,
the apogee of his life and an epochal moment in the history of Western civilization.

28. The Inside Story
“I shall never forget our first night together.” “We repaired to bed and after a few respectful
moments, I requested of Violet, “My dear, I would be quite pleased if you would kindly remove
your garments, and lie on your back. Then please spread your legs, close your eyes; and think
of England.” How ignorant I was of the ways of sex.
My remark led only to gales of uproarious laughter from her to the point of convulsions. “Come
‘ere Ducky,” she coyly said ‘twixt a gaggle of giggles, beckoning me forward with a come-hither
look. I momentarily froze, after which I realized I had no choice, my manhood being tightly
gripped in her hot little hands.
She then proceeded to tutor me in the ways of the sexual world. Oh ecstasy, thy name is Violet!
It didn’t end that evening either. Over the next two months she exposed me to the most intense
and varied sexual activity ever experienced by man. Violet was a master teacher, and I, the perfect
pupil. I took to her lessons enthusiastically. Where had she been my entire life?
She opened up my body to the world of the sensory realm. There I spent hour after hour under her
expert tutelage, plumbing the depths of her vast knowledge: unearthing these goings-on and the
language which described them. Were ever sweeter words heard by either man or woman?
It was an epiphany. My entire life’s work suddenly flashed before me, bringing it seriously into
question. For the first time since Sister Peter Cleavage, I was in touch with the life’s essence. My
life’s calling was now clear—to find the words to describe the inexpressible and to share them with
the world.
The actions were joyous, but it was the words describing them which held the key. If you cannot
utter the words, the actions themselves will never truly resonate within your soul. The more
inexpressible thee acts, the less accessible they would be. I saw as my mandate to preserve these
savory, threatened morsels from extinction.
I then repaired to the library and the archives where I complemented Stella’s knowledge with that
of the literary canons of Western civilization. Shakespeare, Donne, Jonson, Wordsworth, Shelley,
Keats, et. al.

29. I realized now that for too long I had been in error in my search for man’s essence. I rejected my
lifelong efforts in phrenology, turning instead to the study of sexual nomenclature which I
modestly called, “Bawdy Language.”
I slowly closed the diary, realizing that my own life would never be the same. I now better
understood what had transpired.
The Road Less Traveled
Bawdy’s next publication in the Lancet, was defiantly titled, Phrenology is the Science of
Satan. It minced no words, tackling head-on the central contention of men of science that
the engine of human motivation and the mainspring of action was the brain.
Cranial-Centered Heads of the British Phrenology Association
In a private interview about his rejection of reason and hard science, Bawdy proclaimed his
world view as “little head tells big head what to do.” This, alas, did not sit well with his
cranial-focused peers. They were devastated by his rejection of science. Bawdy no longer
had any credibility with the Academy. His assertion that the penis was superior to the
cerebellum and the medulla oblongata was simply too hard to grasp.
He soon he fell out of favor with scientists and lay people alike, invariably leading to fewer
and fewer lectures. Scientific journals rejected his non-scientific submissions. Reputable
booksellers ceased stocking his publications. “Bawdy Goes Bonkers!” The London Times
headline screamed. His career was in freefall.

30. VII. Demise and Fall
Struggling for Recognition
As the depth and breadth of his scholarship in his new chosen field expanded, his circle of
friends and associates diminished; his isolation widened. He was second to none in his new
chosen field, but he stood alone. He continued relentlessly in his efforts —to make Bawdy
the new lingua franca—a bridge between all cultures to make communication easier: even
if they couldn’t share a common tongue, they could tongue in a common fashion. Towards
that end, he met privately on the continent with L.L. Zamenhof who was developing and
promoting Esperanto as an auxiliary language( See Una Libro ,1887); and sailed across the
Atlantic to meet with Maxmillian Berlitz founder of a new network of language schools.
Maxmillian Berlitz
But there was, alas, no interest on their part. They did not speak the same language when it
came to sex.

31. Financial Ruin
As fate would have it, Bawdy was now bereft of a platform for his ideas. He was forced
underground—driven to submitting articles under pseudonyms in order to get them
published. He teetered on the edge of bankruptcy.
Tradesmen to whom he owed money worried when they read their morning newspapers
on May 11, 1884 that he had been imprisoned for a debt of 92 pounds 4 crown and six
pence. A month later, he was discharged as an insolvent when it was shown that his
creditors had no chance of collecting any of the monies owed them. The Times of London
was particularly harsh in their excoriation of him.
Within two weeks of his release Bawdy responded to his opponents with a 40-page
pamphlet entitled The revengeful attack of the Times explained and refuted, printed for the
author, and sold by him. He then took libel action against the newspaper, citing loss of
income resulting from their articles. The issue dragged on for several months before finally
coming to trial on 11 February 1886. Bawdy made the final error of representing himself
in court, totally unmindful of the adage, that a person who acts as his own lawyer has a
fool for a client. This fool, however, somehow proved convincing and managed to prove
loss of income. This was more than offset, however, by Sir John Campbell, barrister for The
Times, which acknowledged that it had published the articles but pleaded justification
while dragging more of Bawdy’s tall tales out of him, and ridiculing him further. He was
now the laughingstock of the nation.

32. Humiliation
The final coup de grace occurred in June of that year when he engaged in a very public
argument with her majesty Queen Victoria. It seems that the Queen had commented
publicly about a section of the Criminal Law, which though it had criminalized male
homosexual activity, made no mention of women participating in such behavior. Asked
about it, she noted how the omission of women from this legislation made good sense in
that women do not engage in such activity; in fact, they could not, there being simply no
practical way they could do so. In response, Bawdy and Violet co-wrote an article to the
Times openly challenging the Queen on the matter, arguing that women did indeed do it
and then proceeded to described graphically exactly how it might be done.
As expected, The Times refused to run the article, but a fortnight later it ended up being
printed in a London gossip sheet, The Naughty Tattler, in all its sordid detail under the title
Yes we can! The Queen and her supporters took immediate umbrage at the remarks, and in
an unusual and dramatic gesture, un-knighted Sir Bawdy, by royal proclamation, relegating
him to the position of “less than commoner.”
Her Majesty Readying to Sign Bawdy De-Knighting Decree

33. Bawdy was now fully anathema to proper society. His friends deserted him, seeking
friends in higher places. He and Violet stood alone against a hostile and uncaring world.
Bawdy was forced to shuttle from residence to residence, moving very year or two until
1889, when he settled at 7 Little Charles Street, Regent's Park. He was still living there on 7
July 1896, when he appealed to the Prime Minister William Gladstone for assistance. He
received not even the courtesy of a response.
Broken
Bawdy’s last public days passed into ignominy. The last portrait we have of him is of a
somewhat shabby, snuffy old gentleman, "sadly marked with small-pox.” Local accounts
recall a wandering man lumbering like an inebriated bear across Hyde Park, mumbling
repeatedly the same seven filthy words aloud over and over. Indeed, he was a teacher in
search of pupils and the once-adoring world which had now turned its back on him.
Bawdy in Decline

34. VIII. The Vanishing
As Bawdy deteriorated, his last few friends moved him to Wickham, Hampshire, for the
sake of his health. His appetite declined rapidly, subsisting for days on end on only beer
and pistachios. On February 19, 1882, a small group of confidants paid him a visit. They
were, however, greeted, not by Bawdy but by a disheveled and confused Violet who
slammed the door in their face. After numerous failed pleas, they finally forced their way
in. “We must see Bawdy,” they insisted. Violet responded by spasmodically shaking her
head no, laughing hysterically, and madly dancing about the room, whilst bursting into
song.
His friends strained to hear the lyrics, hoping they might offer a clue as to Bawdy’s
whereabouts, but alas, it was difficult through Stella’s dreadful cockney accent. One of his
colleagues, familiar with the dialogue, thought he heard something about the rain in Spain.
Indeed! It only confused matters even further. Nothing added up.
They then searched the premises, but nary a clue could they find. Further questioning of
Violet proved fruitless. They finally notified the authorities, and Scotland Yard sent out a
special unit headed by a Captain Conan Doyle.
Top forensic investigators pored over the premises using the latest technology.
Bloodhounds searched the surrounding areas. There was no sign of Bawdy. He had totally
vanished; no one had the slightest clue as to what had happened to him or where he could
be.
Authorities put out an all-points bulletin nationwide—but to no avail. Bawdy was never to
be heard from again. The case went into the file labeled “Ambiguous Situations.” As one of
the Yard investigators summed it up, “No Bawdy, no crime.”

35. IX. First Glimmers of Recognition
Rediscovery
For the next century, Celestial Bawdy disappeared from the national consciousness. It was
as if he had never existed.
But times and circumstances would soon shift on his behalf. Great Britain emerged from
World War II a second-rate power, its empire in shambles and bereft of domestic
accomplishment.
It was also struggling with its public image as a soulless, sexless nation still caught in the
mindset and ways of the Victorian era, one left behind by the counter -cultural revolution of
the 1960s.
The country’s public persona desperately needed a thorough revamping. It needed a hero,
a spokesperson, a public face who would be the embodiment of the New Britain.
The Intrepid Courtney Thwarp
It happened at that time that Young Courtney Thwarp had just assumed the position of
head of PR in the Home Secretary’s Office when he happened to overhear a joke at a party
about a historical oddity named Celestial Bawdy. His curiosity piqued, he trekked to the
British Museum to learn more.

36. There he unearthed the documentation which resonated for him personally. Here, he
thought to himself, was the hero that Britain needed: one who could proudly represent her
to the world. Back to the Future! Carefully he called on a few trusted staff; and together
they planned the return of Celestial Bawdy.
The Resurrection
Thwarp and his staff orchestrated a carefully-sequenced series of events to re-introduce
Bawdy to the world. Soon Bawdy was awash in a sea of tribute. Songsmiths began
composing ballads commemorating his life and work. Alternative radio stations played
them across the country. Posters appeared in the Underground. An exhibition celebrating
his life was held in Birmingham, accompanied by a pamphlet biography. In 1982, the first
significant full-length biography was published by American admirer Albert Kinsey,
entitled My Bawdy Lies over the Ocean.
A year later, the Bawdy Image Society placed a plaque at the Inn at Herring Bone- by- the
Sea; while in 1985, a statue was unveiled in the town, depicting the Doctor in coitus with
Violet. After townspeople had firebombed the monument, leaving behind a tangle of
twisted and charred metal, supporters created a more modest memorial garden of peonies
in its place. In 1991, an exhibition celebrated the opening of the Bawdy Museum.
Bawdy Museum at Herringbone

37. Dr. Bawdy had once more assumed his position in the pantheon of the greats.
No one was more deserving of the adoration which followed. His biographer Lawrence
Paros thought him "the most notable figure in Victorian Britain.” Historian Will Durant
described him as "one of the most colorful and important characters in British history.”
Lawrence Paros, Dr. Bawdy's biographer
Footnote to History
As a professional historian, I have dedicated my life’s work to honoring great figures lost in
the shuffle of time —bringing to the forefront little-known people who have had a profound
effect on our lives and how we see the world. Celestial Bawdy was one such personage.
One day in July 1991, I was working on the screenplay for a motion picture based on his life
(To be directed by Ang Lee or Martin Scorsese, with Brad Pitt cast as Celestial), when I
heard a pounding at my front door. I opened it to find an old disheveled figure standing
before me clutching a ream of papers. “I believe you were looking for these,” he said,
handing them to me. “Let me introduce myself,” he said. “I am Sir Celestial Bawdy.”

38. “How can that be?” I asked. “You’re 150 years old.”
“You’re fucking-A right,” he responded. “Agreed, this is some pretty weird shit, but suck it up
kid. I’m back and here to stay. You have been tapped to be my conduit—to continue my work;
create a platform for my ideas, and spread them far and wide. For my part, I will give you
complete access to my papers, and write a regular advice column, providing you each day with
new and insightful suggestions for humankind. You, in turn, will tweet and blog and do
whatever you people do to get the word out—whatever it takes to spread the gospel of Bawdy far
and wide through those internet tubes—to make it the universal language, teaching others how to
live, thereby elevating all of humankind in the process.”
I agreed. Our destinies are now joined. Our voices are one. That’s the way it is.
Lawrence Paros, Authority on Dr. Bawdy,
Trusted Colleague and Confidante
Read more
http://www.BawdyLanguage.com