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Do Not Attend This Talk. The Speaker Is A Complete Fraud | Imposter Syndrome | MM17RO
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- 19. Rebecca Brocton
- 20. Rebecca Brocton
Editor's Notes
- Hi, Hello, For starters, what the fork are you doing here?
- The title is literally Do Not Attend This Talk. You rebels. As you are here
- my name is Rebecca Brocton and for 24 years I had a different name, but that’s old news! I’m a certified Magento Solution Specialist, my favourite animals are stags, I love gin, and you can find me on all the social medias, twitter is a personal favourite of mine. So, what the fork am I doing here?
- Well, a few weeks ago I got a message from this guy saying that I should put myself forward to speak at this event. Half an hour or so after that, this guy pops up saying the same thing. Half an hour or so after that I’m talking talking to this guy and the ball is really rolling now! Ooo it so exciting! This event looks so fantastic. So then a few hours after that I’m telling my wife that I might be going to Romania in a few weeks! eeek! And she said You can’t…. I’ve not been there yet.
- Well, I’m here, so you can imagine what I said to that. I said, look, WOMAN
- We might be going to Romania in a few weeks! Now, to anyone who would have responded differently there… you’re wrong. If you learn nothing else today, learn this: Happy wife, happy life. So that was that!
- I was going to Meet Magento Romania. New country, new faces, old faces. New things to learn, film and drink! You can imagine my excitement at the idea of Romanian Gin! Then Vlad emails me….
- Then Vlad emails me. Please send me its title, short description and a bio so we can list it on to the Agenda.
- Now it’s not like I forgot about the talk, it was the reason I’d got this amazing opportunity to come and see you all and do this. But it was like it never really hit me till that point. I was so blinded by excitement that I’d missed that dark patches of fear, expectation and pressure. I’d somehow managed to be completely ignorant to the burning anxiety that was now bubbling in my stomach. The only way I can describe the feeling to you that came over me is to tell you about a recurring dream I have.
- Who here has really vivid, crazy dreams sometimes? Isn’t it amazing the kind of nonsense your brain can come up with It’s like, where the fork did that come from? If my brain was that creative while I was awake I would be a billionaire by now. Anyway, I’m joking about this but its not the nicest of dreams. I normally I wake up crying. It starts with this really strange sensation all over my body And I open my eyes but its still very dark then I realise I’m under water,
- I need air. I need to breath. But I don’t know which way is up. There’s an undercurrent that is causing me to roll and spin, not overly fast but it’s too strong to fight against And the water is running through my fingers as I try to swim Totally unaffected by me. Then this weird panic sets in. It’s not like a run around, hair on fire, type of panic Its more of a calm dread as I realise there is nothing I can do. I shouldn’t be there. I am way out of my depth. That’s what it felt like when the reality of doing this talk came into focus. We all have our demons, and for me the imposter syndrome is *** the omnipresent prince of darkness. When I let it in, it sets off a destructive spiral of self doubt…. This isn’t something that just affects me either.
- The imposter syndrome was actually first described back in the 1970s by Psychologists Suzanne Imes and Pauline Clance. Initially they believed it only affected professional women, but since then countless studies have found that it actually effects people from all walks of life, regardless of gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, hair colour, eye colour - it doesn’t matter. We all experience this very real and very specific form of self doubt. Clance described 6 characteristics that mark someone who suffers from the imposter syndrome.
- We have an underlying need to be the very best. That means constant comparisons and measuring up against peers, and as soon as we get the slightest inkling that we are not the best, we dismiss all and any talents and conclude that we must be the worst. We are stupid. Everyone knows it.
- We set superhuman standards and goals for ourselves We expect everything to be flawless in every aspect of our lives. That tweet will take us over 20 minutes to compose and if it doesn’t get a like within 20 seconds, it will be deleted and we’re not leaving the house today.
- We have an unreasonable fear of failure which stresses us out massively, causes all sorts of nightmares and thanks to our super human standards, anything less than perfect we actually class as a failure. Life is not perfect, so this is like carrying around loads of ticking time bombs that could go off at any moment.
- We are absolutely awesome at completely denying and discounting praise and not only that we are particularly good at finding reasons we actually deserve to be criticised and shunned.
- We feel guilty and alienated when we are successful if those around us aren’t and then on the other side we are scared that any success will lead to expectation that we just cannot live up to.
- And finally, we can be found somewhere on the imposter cycle. I like to think of it as the imposter bicycle. And what a ride it is.
- The journey starts with a task. ** Such as to create a presentation for a highly rated conference in a foreign country. Completely random example. This leads to an overwhelming wave of anxiety, self-doubt and worry ** and at this point your brain gets a choice, the track splits. ** That’s nice isn’t it. Everyone like to have a few options. You can either go into super overdrive and over prepare like crazy ** or you shutdown and do nothing but procrastinate. ** Lets say, for this random example, that your brain chooses overdrive. You start analysing every thought, decision and experience you’ve ever had, you read countless paper and articles, watch hours and hours of videos and presentation, listen to every remotely relevant podcast and ebook you can find and write pages and pages of information down before even starting the actual presentation. and then you’ll get to the slides, which you’ll create, then recreate, then recreate -forget using a template. No no. You will spend ages on these and then still not like them anyway. ** But! You did it. It’s done. Relief washes over you. But what happens when that feedback rolls in? It’s positive. People liked it. People compliment you. But what do you think? Well, depends on the path your brain chose. ** If you’d gone down the procrastination path, and thrown it together last minute you would know that the fact people liked it is a complete and utter fluke. You got lucky. Somehow! Having overworked in this example, its clear that your achievement is nothing to do with your natural ability. ** Those who are smarter and better than you could have done something twice as good with half the time and half the effort You give a monkey a typewriter and enough time, he will eventually write Shakespeare. Yep, you’ve fooled everyone into thinking you’re smart again. Either way, all that positive feedback actually ends up being negative in your eyes and leads to yet more paranoia, anxiety and doubt. An then this lovely cycle, starts all over again.
- Unsurprisingly, the imposter syndrome is strongly linked to depression. Going round and round this loop is exhausting. Forever feeling like a fraud and like you don’t belong. You don’t have to raise your hand or admit it, but I truly hope that if some of you can relate to even just parts of this, that you see its not just you It took me a while to realise I’m not alone and that I don’t feel this way because I’m the only fraud who’s ever lived but that actually its quite common. I’m pretty sure even those who developed the english language knew something about it too.
- That’s why I can’t look, act or feel confident without knowing its a con. I can’t gain control without knowing its a con. It’s even there when I connect with professionals on LinkedIn Sure I can help you configure your Magento store. Nope. Every contribution. Every conversation. It’s even there when I’m congratulated. Constantly. Reminders after reminders that I’m a fraud. What steps can we take?
- What steps can we take? Surely it will just get better with time right, as you learn more and become comfortable with more Nope. In fact it just gets worse. Like Aristotle said: The more you know, the more you know you don't know Kind of like climbing a hill, It’s only when you get to the top that you can see the mountain thats behind. We constantly feel like we don’t know enough and we need to know more. We want to be full-stack and know everything about everything because everyone else seems to! Well they don’t
- You need to stop comparing your insides to everyone else outsides. Theodore Roosevelt once said “Comparison is the thief of joy.” and he was right. I can guarantee you have never accurately compared yourself to another person. We are all so different its just not possible. And, quite frankly, its not fair. We compare the worst we know of ourselves to the best we presume about each other. Not everything can be measured and yes, some of us may be similar, yes we may seem comparable, but there is so much more to each of us than whats on the surface. And you can’t be ignorant to that. You can control one life—yours. Don’t waste time negatively focusing on other peoples’ lives rather than your own. Learn from others. Take inspiration from others. Do not compare yourself to others. Strive to accept and be the best possible versions of yourself.
- Talk to people about how you’re feeling, your mentors, your friends, I know this is scary but studies have found that 70% of people have felt like a fraud at some point in their lives, so chances are that they will understand how you feel and can help. Ask questions, good questions with a genuine desire to learn, asking questions to try to find gaps in peoples knowledge is not useful for anyone, asking questions to fill gaps in your own knowledge however, is. You should take every opportunity to learn new things, even if its about things you are already an expert in. Then give better answers. If you have the opportunity to teach, do it well. There is no better way to prove to yourself that you know something, than to teach it to someone else. But when you get the opportunity, don’t be a donkey and assume others know things. Starting a answer with, “You’ve never hear of X” is not helpful and breeds more imposter syndrome sufferers.
- Forget perfect, remember what you do well
- Forget perfect, remember what you do well Personally I struggle a lot with being a perfectionist, I really do consider anything thats less than perfect to be a failure, but Learning to be comfortable with doing something well and sharing things earlier for feedback would saves me so much stress. If you spend days, weeks or more on that paper, rewriting it, pulling it apart, stressing about it and only then to put it out there, any kind of feedback, even great and needed feedback, will not seem constructive, it will just hurt. And that’s because you gave so much of yourself and wore yourself out doing it that the feedback will just squash your spirit further. Where as if you’d got the feedback you needed on your first draft, and worked on it collaboratively you would not feel defeated by the end of it.
- Embrace arrogance. This is a very fine line to tread, you need to keep both sides of your ego in check. But when those feelings of self-doubt, worry and paranoia are closing in on your self-esteem, take the time to check yourself and your achievements and feel proud. Tell yourself, no, you’re wrong I did a good job because I am good at what I do. And don’t let yourself diminish your accomplishments, don’t say things like: oh I’ve developed a small web shop, I’m alright at my job, I know a bit about it, I have a little house. I’m ok in bed. Stop it. Be proud of what you’ve done and where you are. I built a Magento eCommerce store that functions fantastically. I love what I do and I’m great at it. I do know about that, do you want to discuss and share ideas? I own my own home, and its beautiful. I’m excellent in bed, any time, any where, I can sleep for hours. Fight off those feelings of doubt, use humour, use sarcasm, anything, but fight them.
- Win or loose, don’t be ashamed or afraid if it gets too much. Just like my physical health, my mental health is not always on top form. I don’t need to go to hospital every time I get a cold, and I don’t need to go to there if I have a wobble or even a complete breakdown and I shouldn’t be labelled as crazy or unstable. I just need some support, like we all do sometimes. It’s not something to be shunned. Its something that should be understood. And that understanding should come from not only those around you, but also yourself so you can get what you need to recover.
- Remember, you are not alone. It’s not just you, it’s not just me. But even if you doubt that, you can at least know that I feel the way you sometimes feel and you can know that you are not alone. We are there together.
- Thank you