This document is the pilot episode of a radio sitcom that follows the interactions between employees at a British trading company called Thames Trading and their Chinese business partners at Sunny Days Procurement in Beijing. The episode introduces Brian, an assistant manager at Thames Trading, who has a flirty phone call with Mimi, the secretary of Sunny Days. Their call is interrupted by Brian's crass manager, Ollie, who has proposed a new business venture importing adjustable wedding dresses from China. However, when presenting the idea to Hannah, their contact at Sunny Days, Ollie offensively suggests that Hannah model the dresses herself at the factory in China. Hannah is offended by the proposition.

1. Crossed Lines
Pilot episode
A radio sitcom
London
Ollie ............ Manager, Thames Trading
Brian ........... Assistant Manager, Thames Trading
Beijing
Hannah ........ Manager, Sunny Days Procurement
Mimi ............ Secretary, Sunny Days Procurement
Harmony ...... Accountant, Sunny Days Procurement
Audio note
The business and romance phone calls have a slightly different quality
Brian and Mimi ... close and intimate
Hannah and Ollie ...... harsh and tinny

2. CROSSED LINES
AT THE THAMES TRADING OFFICE, BRIAN, A YOUNG GUY WITH A
SLOW, NORTHERN ACCENT, IS LISTENING TO THE RADIO. IT
CRACKLES UNTIL LANDING ON A NEWS STATION.
FEMALE RADIO ANNOUNCER:
The project, funded by Chinese investors, is expected
to create more than 200 local jobs.
MALE RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Thanks Susan, and if you can’t wait till then for your
own eastern adventure, Hounslow FM has teamed up with
Chinatrip.com to offer you 30% off flights to Beijing!
I went last year and the Great Wall was really amazing.
FEMALE RADIO ANNOUNCER:
I remember you telling us, Tom.
MALE RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Stay tuned for details.
BRIAN:
Ooh. 30 percent! That might attract young business
travellers too.
BRIAN’S PHONE RINGS. HE TURNS THE RADIO DOWN TO ANSWER MIMI,
A CUTESY, SING-SONG CHINESE GIRL DOING HER BEST TO DEVELOP
ENGLISH MANNERS.
BRIAN:
Thames Trading! We take the sting out of B2B!
MIMI:
Brian!
BRIAN:
Oh, hi Mimi!
MIMI:
How do you do?
BRIAN:
I was going to ask you that!
MIMI:
Oh, I am sorry!
BRIAN:
No... I was... (PAUSE, JUST LONG ENOUGH TO BE
AWKWARD)How are things in Beijing?

3. 2.
MIMI:
Things are smashing, Brian. How is the weather in
London may I ask?
BRIAN:
It’s... managing.
MIMI:
Really? Oh Brian, I do so hope I can visit England one
day! It is my dream.
BRIAN:
Is it?
MIMI:
It really is. Everybody knows you English are such
gentlemen!
BRIAN:
There’s one nice stereotype at least.
MIMI:
Stereo- you mean it isn’t true?
BRIAN:
(SUDDENLY HUGH GRANT) Oh, I don’t mean to argue with a
lady.
MIMI:
Do you mean me! How lovely! Ah, England must be so
wonderful, I can see it: clear skies and lovely,
friendly people!
OLLIE, THAMES TRADING’S POTTY MOUTHED COCKNEY MANAGER, IS
HEARD IN THE DISTANCE.
OLLIE:
Brian you rollicking great prat, what are you up to
boy?
BRIAN
(SHOUTING) It’s a business call Mr McAvoy! (QUIETER)
Sorry about that Mimi.
MIMI:
Oh, it is your friendly boss?
BRIAN:
Yeah. He ... thought I might need a cup of tea.
MIMI:
Wah! So warm hearted!

4. 3.
BRIAN:
(OVERLY KEEN) So when are you coming to England?
(CHECKS HIMSELF) I mean-
MIMI:
Ah, I don’t know, Brian! It’s difficult for me. Is
London expensive?
BRIAN:
Eeerh... well-
OLLIE:
(STILL DISTANT, SING SONG) Bri-an. It’s time for workie
workies!
BRIAN:
I’d better be going, Mimi. Master’s calling.
MIMI:
Already you are going? Ok, talk again sometime!
BRIAN:
Yes! I hope so!
MIMI:
Cheerio, Brian. (QUIETER) Brian!
BRIAN:
Bye Mimi.
FX: PHONE HANGS UP.
BRIAN:
(DAY DREAMING) Ah Mimi...
OLLIE:
(LOUDLY AND SUDDENLY CLOSE) What’s all this then?
BRIAN:
Ah! Mr McAvoy. Nothing!
OLLIE:
It better not be!
BRIAN:
I mean, something! I was working on... something.
(RUSTLING PAPERS)
OLLIE:
(SARKY) What can he find at such short notice?

5. 4.
BRIAN:
It’s right here!
OLLIE:
A list of cheap baby bottle suppliers that haven’t yet
been banned from the EU?
BRIAN:
I gave that you yesterday!
OLLIE:
A print out of Workers’ Rights, a Wikipedia page?
BRIAN:
Not likely boss!
OLLIE:
As long as it’s not another of those fruity top trump
cards of yours. I’m tired of finding those everywhere.
BRIAN:
(muttering) It’s Magic: The Gathering. Not fruity at-
OLLIE:
Back in the room Brian! (CLICKING FINGERS AGGRESSIVELY)
So you talked to Sunny Days then?
BRIAN:
Yes, I did! We had a lovely chat just now.
OLLIE:
And what did they say about our latest order? Other
than it is a masterpiece of international business
acumen.
BRIAN:
(PAUSE) A purchase order?
OLLIE:
Yers?
BRIAN:
Oh. (BEAT) Should I call them back?
OLLIE:
You think they really need a repeat performance?
Blimey, you don’t just skirt around an issue, you throw
in leg warmers and a couple of pairs of frilly knickers
while you’re at it!
BRIAN:
Sorry, Mr McAvoy.

6. 5.
OLLIE:
Sometimes I wonder what I pay you for Brian. To just
sit here and have me shout at you ten times a day?
BRIAN:
(MUTTERING) That does seem to be the arrangement.
OLLIE:
Tell me laddy, what is it you want to do with your
life? I’m genuinely curious.
BRIAN:
My life?
OLLIE:
That about sums it up.
BRIAN:
No one’s asked that before. Let me think.
OLLIE:
Unexplored territory ahead!
BRIAN:
I guess what I’d really like is just a place of my own.
And maybe one of those old fashioned arcade machines,
you know?
OLLIE:
You mean like Pong? Good news: Your armpits have
already got that covered!
BRIAN:
No, I mean like a penny drop machine you get on a pier
or somewhere like that. You put a coin in and they all
sort of smush together don’t they? So tempting. Then
you drop in another one and you get a bigger smush.
Eventually a great load of shiny treasure will come
tumbling out. But I always ran out of money before that
happened.
OLLIE:
Exactly how much of your childhood past was spent on
this fickle dream?
BRIAN:
Past?
OLLIE:
I despair of you Brian. I really do. Do you know what I
was doing when I was your age?

7. 6.
BRIAN:
Heading out to the Eastern Front?
OLLIE:
You cheeky sod! I was setting up my own company wasn’t
I? Engaging in enterprise. Building an empire.
BRIAN:
How long does it take to build an empire of two?
OLLIE:
Well it depends on the- hey listen cloth ears. It’s ups
and downs isn’t it, business? It’s my ingenuity what
pays for your fantasy games, don’t forget that. And
this latest dodge is gonna come out a bloody diamond!
BRIAN:
Sounds painful.
OLLIE:
Not at all. Pin back your woolen lobes for a brief
moment oh young and unsophisticated one, to hear tell
of the blag of the century. It’s only adjustable
wedding dresses bought in from China for one tenth the
cost of your normal Marmite and cress. How does that
grab you?
BRIAN:
Loosely. I don’t need a wedding dress. (MAUDLIN) Don’t
even have a girlfriend.
OLLIE:
Well I can’t blame you for not entirely grasping the
magnitude of this concept, Brian. Unattached and
unimpeded as you are on this section of life’s long and
winding. Let me explain to you one of the many heinous
expenditures awaiting your average fellow about to
hitch his wagon to a deadly of the species. Average
cost of a wedding dress? Fourteen hundred notes!
BRIAN:
Blimey.
OLLIE:
Blimey’s right. That’s the first sensible thing you’ve
said all day. Know why it’s so much?
BRIAN:
Because weddings are essentially a scam? Based on
ostentatious, quasi-religious tropes and obsolete
gender norms?

8. 7.
OLLIE:
It’s the female body, Brian.
BRIAN
Right oh.
OLLIE:
Curvaceous it is. And uniquely so. Each woman’s mortal
frame rises and falls like the salty sea waves that
buffet and beset an honest sailor seeking port in a
desperate storm.
BRIAN:
Sounds a bit rough.
OLLIE:
You get used to it. Anyway, the point is your standard
wedding cress has to be specially fitted to the
blushing bride to be: bosom, back and buttocks! Which
is where our new product line comes in: off-the-rack,
low cost - trust me! - adjustable wedding clobber. You
can marry a tiny Tina in spring, have yourself a sneaky
divorce in autumn then walk sturdy Shirley down the
aisle all in time for the frosty winter evenings, and
without ever coughing more than once for your fancy
ball and chain decoration!
BRIAN:
Oooh. I think I get it now.
OLLIE:
This could be the big one, Brian!
BRIAN:
It’s like there’s a big smush gathering in front of us!
FX: CHINESE-STYLE STING TO ESTABLISH BEIJING.
HANNAH ARRIVES AT SUNNY DAYS, BEIJING, FLUSTERED AS USUAL.
THE OFFICE HAS BACKGROUND TRAFFIC NOISES INCLUDING
DISTINCTIVE CHINESE-LANGUAGE TRUCK-BACKING-UP MESSAGES.
HANNAH:
Arr! What a day!
MIMI:
Welcome back, Miss Hannah! How was your meeting?
HANNAH:
Life is like a box of cretins, Mimi. I always know what
I’m going to get. (SIGH) Any calls?

9. 8.
MIMI:
Yes, I called Brian. He’s lovely!
HANNAH:
I meant for me!
MIMI:
(slow realisation) Oh!
HANNAH:
Erg, nevermind. What time is it in London now?
MIMI:
Ah?
HANNAH:
The time difference! Oh god, how often do I ask you
this?
MIMI:
Oh, I know this one: every day!
HANNAH:
Arr! (PAUSE) Let’s see. It’s got to be past 9am by now.
FX: AS HANNAH CALLS, THE MUTED RINGING ON HER PHONE TURNS
INTO THE LOUDER RING TONE AT THE THAMES TRADING OFFICE.
OLLIE:
Thames Trading. Sign with us and you’ll always be in
for a big supplies!
HANNAH:
Erg, that’s the worst one yet.
OLLIE:
Hannah, my little China dove. How are you holding on
out there?
HANNAH:
Tightly. Have you received my garment sample? I’ve not
heard back from you.
OLLIE:
Yers, looks like good workmanship. You found a decent
supplier there sweetheart!
HANNAH:
Yes. Thank you.
OLLIE:
But there’s just one problem.

10. 9.
HANNAH:
(LONG SUFFERING) Go on.
OLLIE:
Modeled on local women was it?
HANNAH:
I suppose so. I don’t imagine they ship in body doubles
from Tasmania.
OLLIE:
Yes, you see your Chinese bird is not exactly built to
the same specifications as our British mademoiselles,
if you get the picture.
HANNAH:
I don’t believe I do.
OLLIE:
I could email you some. Look, you must have noticed the
oriental dame tends towards the slender and svelte-like
and your average English girl tends to... aint.
HANNAH:
(DEATHLY SILENCE)
OLLIE:
Real women is what I’m talking about, Hannah! Nothing
worse than some half-starved tart who looks like she’ll
blow away in the next decent gust of wind. No, no, no!
We need proper-sized garments for your actual proper
lass who a feller would want to accompany down the
aisle.
HANNAH:
Look, that’s fine. If you think you understand local
market demands then send me the new measurements. More
cloth will impact unit cost though. I’ll confirm that
with you tomorrow. The factory’s quite near my office
so I should receive another sample within a few working
days. Three or perhaps-
OLLIE:
Yeah, listen. You’re a bigger girl ain’t you?
HANNAH:
I beg your pardon!
OLLIE:
No need, no need. Listen, I know it’s a complicated
thing, a woman’s body. In fact, I was just explaining
all that to our Brian.

11. 10.
BRIAN:
(DISTANT) He was!
OLLIE:
See? It’s no good me saying to the tailor "more room to
move up top please and why not let the back out a bit
while you’re at it" then expecting something that’ll
fit an actual flesh and blood bird. These are high
grade fashion garments what need to be modeled on a
proper English woman. Namely, you.
HANNAH:
You’re drunk. There’s no other explanation.
OLLIE:
You just said the factory’s practically down the
road. So why not nip down and let them take your
measurements. Kit off, Mr Wang gets his measuring tape
out. Before you know it, the whole deal’s sewn up!
HANNAH:
I’m hanging up now.
OLLIE:
Good lass! You don’t waste a minute. That’s why I like
working with you, girl. You’re always- Oh, she did hang
up.
BRIAN:
Do you really need Hannah to do the modeling Mr
Macavoy?
OLLIE:
Two birds with one deft stone, young musketeer. What we
need is a dress to fit a girl what’s used to nibbling
on more than a couple of spring rolls throughout the
day plus I’m keen to know our woman in China’s stats.
I’ve heard she’s rather top heavy if you get the
picture!
BRIAN:
You did email me about a hundred.
OLLIE:
Just a few nice ones to help you start a collection.
Now, do you know I can’t even find a fully clothed snap
of Hannah up on the internet? It’s not very
professional!
IN BEIJING, HANNAH IS CALLING HARMONY, HER BLUNT BUT
WELL-MEANING CHINESE BUSINESS PARTNER.
FX: PHONE CLICK NOISES

12. 11.
HANNAH:
Hello? Yes, I can hear you. I was just saying, why is
it so difficult to explain to some people that I’m a
professional?
HARMONY:
Of course you are Hannah. How many years have we worked
together? (BEAT) A professional what?
HANNAH:
(SIGH) I wonder sometimes, Harmony. I really do. That
Ollie seems to think I’m some kind of part-time fashion
model!
HARMONY:
(SURPRISED) You? A model? Haha!
HANNAH:
(ANNOYED) Alright! Alright! That’s not the real
problem. The fact is this is just the latest in a long
line of Ollie’s preposterous schemes. We really should
stop working with those jokers.
HARMONY:
But Ollie is useful to us. No need to burn his bridge
yet. And if you meet the factory owner you can make
friends with him. He is very rich you know!
HANNAH:
Is this about "giving face" again? I came to China to
found a successful business not to make friends!
HARMONY:
I think it is the same thing.
HANNAH:
Yes, I’ve noticed. But I don’t see why the owner of a
grotty factory should get to have some exotic British
eye candy turning up to his factory for free
entertainment.
HARMONY:
Oh. You think you should charge money?
HANNAH:
It’s not about money! I’m a successful business woman -
nearly - not just an object of carnal desire for
leering degenerates to ... leer over.
HARMONY:
What is "leering"?

13. 12.
HANNAH:
It’s like... "Leeeaaarphwoar!"
HARMONY:
I see. No, he will not leer you. You know, in China,
it’s very important for business people to meet
face-to-face.
HANNAH:
Pyeh! Can he can stick to that arrangement!
HARMONY:
Ok, Hannah. I will tell him he has to stick to the
arrangements. This afternoon, ok?
HANNAH:
Wait! I never said... erg. I walk into these things,
don’t I?
FADE IN TO BRIAN AND OLLIE’S FOOTSTEPS AS THEY WALK ALONG
THE STREET
BRIAN:
I mean, I don’t want to be too hasty or anything.
OLLIE:
Thinking too quickly isn’t normally a stand out problem
for you.
BRIAN:
And the fact that the Thames Trading credit card has
earned a bunch of air miles doesn’t have to be a
factor.
OLLLIE:
I was going to buy those lagers anyway.
BRIAN:
I was just wondering, if something went wrong working
with Sunny Days is there anything to stop us just
walking into a factory to buy directly?
OLLIE:
China is a commercial and legal minefield, Brian. There
are a thousand ways to get your bits blown off. That’s
why we use Hannah. She’s a buffer.
BRIAN:
I thought you hadn’t seen her picture?
OLLIE:
You idiot! I mean a bulwark - again not what you’re
thinking - an absorber of shocks, think of her like a
(MORE)

14. 13.
OLLIE: (cont’d)
big bouncy airbag. We have a prevention of loss
contract with Sunny Days so as not to be on the
unpleasant end of the all-too-inevitable cock ups. You
should only purchase directly from China if you’re
absolutely certain there won’t be any mishaps. Lesson
1: Check your samples like you was checking the family
jewels, my lad. Any lump or minor imperfection could be
indicative of a major problem to come.
BRIAN:
I’m starting to get interested in that side of things
actually. Could I have a look?
OLLIE:
You mean...?
BRIAN:
(Embarrassed) The garment, yes.
OLLIE:
Just checking, Brian! I’ve never been quite sure of
you, my boy.
FADE TO SUNNY DAYS. CARS OUTSIDE THE OFFICE BEEPING LOUDLY
HANNAH:
Mimi, are you sure my new business cards haven’t
arrived?
MIMI:
Ah?
HANNAH:
The cards I asked you to order.
MIMI:
Oh. You need?
HANNAH:
(LONG SIGH)
MIMI:
Oh, Hannah! You never tell me, how about your visit to
the factory? Did you enjoy?
HANNAH:
My "visit"? You mean being stuck in a small room with a
strange man and his roving measuring tape while the
boss looked on and gave directions? Absurd, baffling...
and... You know what, I think I’ll save it for an
email.

15. 14.
MIMI:
You want me to write an email to Mr Macavoy?
HANNAH:
No. I’ll just send a quick note to his assistant...
Thing.
MIMI:
Oh... (worried) Brian!
HANNAH:
Right! (TYPING FURIOUSLY AND MUTTERING) RE: wedding
dress farce. Mr Wang is sending the second sample
directly from the factory to save time, not that you
deserve it with the impositions I’ve had to endure. You
can take it as read I will not be modelling garments in
the future. Our partnership already hangs in the
balance and-
CUT TO THAMES TRADING:
BRIAN:
(READING FROM HIS COMPUTER)“Any further humiliations or
inappropriate personal slander will be taken as a
deliberate attempt to undermine our professional
relationship”. Wow. It seems like it wouldn’t take much
to push Hannah over the edge. And if this deal with her
fell through for some reason then someone might have
to...
OLLIE ENTERS
OLLIE:
Someone might have to what?
BRIAN:
(SURPRISE) Woah! Nothing!
OLLIE:
Steady on, Brian. Lean back like that and you’ll come a
cropper. Nothing is it? Sounds like you planning out
your normal working day.
BRIAN:
I’ve been busy today, actually. And, about that... I’ve
got some bad news.
OLLIE:
Bilbo Baggins never got to be a real boy?
BRIAN:
No, errr (NERVOUS ABOUT LYING) Hannah decided to cancel
the wedding dresses. She’s not going to be filling the
order.

16. 15.
OLLIE:
What are you talking about? She loved things those
almost as though she modelled them herself!
BRIAN:
Yeah, I think that might have been a step too far.
OLLIE:
What nonsense! All women like to play fancy dress. Let
me explain it to you, boy.
BRIAN:
Oh, I think I hear a sermon coming...
OLLIE:
(ministerial) You may think a wedding is about tying
sacred bonds, preparing to walk hand in hand through
the forest of earthly pleasures with a partner what has
expressly agreed to stick with your rattly self,
holding and having with barely a passing thought to
either the health of your body or sickness of mind. In
actual fact it’s more about letting your bird tart
herself up and have a bunch of fancy pictures taken.
Hence this latest chapter in the Thames Trading story
that will extra-kate myself from problems
fi-douche-your-Harry and absolutely not of my own
making.
BRIAN:
You say all that. I think Hannah just got embarrassed
with so many factory workers gathering around.
OLLIE:
Who doesn’t love an audience?
BRIAN:
Not if they’re ogling at you.
OLLIE:
What’s that supposed to mean?
BRIAN:
Like... "ogleogleogle"
OLLIE:
I spect Hannah’s used to that. It’s all part and parcel
of being a woman, innit? No point in complaining every
time some kind person takes a moment out their busy day
to pay you a compliment.
BRIAN:
Yeah, but then... one of them... he...

17. 16.
OLLIE:
Yers?
BRIAN:
He started filming her!
OLLIE:
Wow!
BRIAN:
Yes! On his mobile! While she was standing there half
nude! Like Venus in that painting I saw.
OLLIE:
Crikey! I had no idea.
BRIAN:
Yeah, this is serious!
OLLIE:
It certainly is. We have to get our hands on that video
Brian! It’s for the good of the company! I’ll give her
a call. Is the footage nice and clear?
BRIAN:
You can’t call now! It’ll be almost 9 o’clock over
there! And Hannah’s REALLY angry at this one. Even more
than the last few... incidents. If you push her too far
she might terminate the whole partnership.
BRIAN:
Who djew think she is, A robot sent from the future to
kill me? Am I destined to stop the rise of the robots
with low cost fabrics? Mind you, wouldn’t be ideal for
this deal to fall through. That could impact staff
wages negatively. By that I mean yours will almost
certainly reach less than zero.
BRIAN:
You know, I can tell you which factory made the sample.
It says right there on the label. Dong Feng Textiles,
East Seventh Ring Road.
OLLIE:
I applaud your initiative, Brian. I really do. But we
don’t want to have to go to Beijing to pick these up
ourselves do we! I’m too busy for that.
BRIAN:
Go to Beijing? Haha! (unconvincing) Why would I want to
do that? Although, if you really needed me to-

18. 17.
OLLIE:
Ah, I’ll call her tomorrow, patch things up, turn on
the old charm. Flattery’s the way to a woman’s heart,
Brian. By the time I’m finished with her, she’ll be
hand delivering these tailor-made wonders to the Thames
Trading warehouse herself!
HANNAH IS ON A RESTAURANT DATE WITH ROGER, AN AMERICAN GUY
ROGER:
You know, it’s really wonderful to meet a woman who’s
so dedicated to her work.
HANNAH:
You think so? I just want to be good at what I do.
There are enough people in this town doing things half
ars- half baked.
ROGER:
I’m a feminist actually.
HANNAH:
Oh wonderful
ROGER:
Yeah. I think it’s really important men learn to
respect women. When I was growing up in-
HANNAH:
The first step is just listening. I really don’t see
why it’s so difficult to-
HANNAH’S PHONE RINGS
HANNAH:
Sorry, I thought I’d turned this off.
ROGER:
No problem, Hannah. In my job I often have to-
FX: PHONE BLEEP
HANNAH:
(INTO PHONE) What?
BRIAN:
(cockney accent) Hannah, my pretty little dolly bird.
HANNAH:
I... Is that Ollie?

19. 18.
BRIAN:
Of course it is. You don’t recognise your old China
plate?
HANNAH:
You sound funny, did you sit down too quickly?
BRIAN:
(COUGHS, adopts deeper voice) Just a sore throat.
HANNAH:
(zero empathy) Oh dear. What do you want?
BRIAN:
Sorry sweetheart, we’ll have to cancel the wedding
dress order. Swings and roundabouts isn’t it, business?
Ups and downs, round and rounds.
HANNAH:
No.
BRIAN:
(PAUSE, looses accent) What?
HANNAH:
En oh. A two-letter construction indicating you being
out of luck!
ROGER:
Oh Hannah, you’re a riot!
BRIAN:
What djew fink this is? That movie... what has... a
comparable situation?
HANNAH:
I... - Sorry about this Roger - I’m mandating your
approval. That’s a roundabout way of saying you better
swing into action and fill out a purchase order for
1,000 units!
ROGER:
Oh, bravo!
BRIAN:
Listen. That second sample was no good, wasn’t it?
HANNAH:
You won’t have received it yet.
BRIAN:
No... but...

20. 19.
HANNAH:
(To Roger) This shouldn’t take much longer.
ROGER:
No! I’m enjoying it!
BRIAN:
Actually, the problem was with your body.
HANNAH:
(DEATHLY SILENCE)
BRIAN:
(NORMAL VOICE) in for a penny... (BACK TO OLLIE) The
bristols, bum and ... bit in the middle. Not up to
scratch. Non standard.
HANNAH:
There’s nothing wrong with my body.
BRIAN:
Thass not what Mr Wang said. He told me his measuring
tape had to take more unexpected detours than a
schoolbus full of kids what had Mexican food for
breakfast.
HANNAH:
I’ll have you for breakfast you cheeky- Listen, you can
cancel this order under whatever ridiculous pretext you
can dream up but don’t think you’ll be getting the kind
of special treatment I’ve been giving you up till now.
BRIAN:
Cancel the order is it? Well, if that’s what you want.
HANNAH:
Arr! These people I work with.
ROGER:
Don’t worry Hannah, the vast majority of business deals
never work out. In my company we-
HANNAH:
Oh, let’s not talk about business!
CUT TO SUNNY DAYS OFFICE.
HARMONY:
You want to talk about business?
HARMONY:
I think we should stop working with Thames Trading.
Ollie is clearly mentally unstable.

21. 20.
HARMONY:
I think he is interesting.
HANNAH:
Well, I didn’t find it "interesting" when he phoned me
up at half past nine when I was on a date - with a man
I somehow had the time to meet and rattled off a
bizarre series of insults.
HARMONY:
Why you insulted your date?
HANNAH:
No, Ollie did. He did me. Ah, you know what I mean!
Then he phoned the next day and acted as though he
couldn’t remember any of it.
HARMONY:
How many wines did you drink?
HANNAH:
It’s probably for the best. I don’t really want to be
selling tat like those frumpy drawstring wedding
dresses. We should be dealing in products with class
and sophistication.
HARMONY:
Oh you know about those things?
HANNAH:
And selling directly, cut out the middle man. Snip
snip! Ollie Macavoy set adrift, floating off down that
mucky old river on his own. Bon voyage, riddance bien.
HARMONY:
Oh Hannah, your French is very good! But I want to tell
you selling is not so easy. You have to have... people
skills.
HANNAH:
Listen to me, if that card-carrying charlatan can do it
then so can I!
HARMONY:
Oh course you can Hannah, I don’t doubt that at all.
THAMES TRADING OFFICE.
BRIAN:
Ah, I’m not sure about all this scheming. What do you
think, guys? Was I wrong to try and fool Hannah?

22. 21.
BRIAN:
(COWARDLY VOICE) Yes! If Oliver discovers you have put
our allegiance with the oriental traders at risk he’ll
have your head!
BRIAN:
(HEROIC VOICE) Faint heart shalln’t win fair Mimi,
Brion Stoutarm. cast your mind back to when you tricked
the Boggarts of Shadowmoor to hand over their chests of
gold, proper bulging they were - not to mention the
slave girls.
BRIAN:
(NORMAL VOICE) Ah, one track mind, you.
BRIAN:
(COWARDLY VOICE) Gideon, you are but a Dark Confident,
set upon luring Brian into disaster.
BRIAN:
(HEROIC VOICE) Beshrew thee Norin!
BRIAN:
(COWARDLY VOICE) Roses are blue, violets are withered,
your heart is black as a cockatrice’s gizzard!
BRIAN:
(HEROIC VOICE) Rather black than yellow! Why, tales of
Norin’s cowardice could fill a hundred scrolls. Who was
it crossed the Maze of Ith, with strides as bold as any
lion, they wonder is he man or myth, the girls all
swoon it-
FX: DOOR BUZZES
BRIAN:
Ooh, ello.
FX: DOOR OPENS
GEORGE:
Express delivery! Hello sonny, playing with your
Dungeons and Dragons cards is it?
BRIAN:
Actually, it’s Magic: The Gathering. D&D is similar
but-
GEORGE:
Is there an adult in?

23. 22.
BRIAN:
I better sign for it. There’s a pen here somewhere.
Hang on, I’m sure I can find it!
GEORGE:
It’s a new adventure every day, isn’t it?
BRIAN:
Mr Macavoy was called away for a very important
meeting.
GEORGE:
Had a good tip did he?
BRIAN:
A "sure-fire winner". He’ll probably be in a bad mood
later.
GEORGE:
You can use mine. There you go. Cheers boss!
FX: DOOR CLOSES
BRIAN:
Lets see what we’ve got.
FX: OPENING PACKET
BRIAN:
So this is the famous adjustable wedding dress. These
strings must tighten up the waist. And this one up here
lets out the... uh, for bigger... Hmm.
FX: MUTED PHONE RINGS
BRIAN:
Hi Mimi. (PAUSE)I was just thinking about you.
MIMI:
Oh, really Brian? That is so nice of you to say so.
BRIAN:
How are things?
MIMI:
Things are so tired Brian!
BRIAN:
Oh, sorry. You must be working hard.
MIMI:
No, I didn’t working.

24. 23.
BRIAN:
Ah Mimi. I think I might have made a big mistake. And
put our alleg- partnership at risk.
MIMI:
Why you do this?
BRIAN:
Well, you remember you said that if I ever came to
Beijing...
MIMI:
Oh Brian, a little birdy told me somebody from London
will come to visit with us.
BRIAN:
Really? Where did you hear that?
MIMI:
Here! Mr Macavoy called us on the telephone.
BRIAN:
Oh sh-! Sure, sure he did. Hey, did he have a sore
throat?
MIMI:
No, I think he didn’t have.
BRIAN:
Ok, that was him.
MIMI:
Ah?
BRIAN:
I’ll explain later.
MIMI:
Okay Brian! Wow, it will be so great to see you!
BRIAN:
Yes! I-
MIMI:
Oh, Miss Hannah’s coming! I will hang you up Brian!
Call again so soon!
FX: DOOR SLAM
MIMI:
Oh, or was it Mr Macavoy who is coming?

25. 24.
HANNAH:
Arr! Don’t mention that name. If motor mouth calls, I’m
not here.
MIMI:
Not good mood today?
HANNAH:
Mood? I don’t know what you mean. In fact, I’m rather
excited.
MIMI:
Exciting thing? Tell me, tell me!
HANNAH:
Well, if Oll- Thames Trading, that insignificant little
venture, think they can source directly that frees me
up to move onto other projects. Such as our newest
product line. Voila!
MIMI:
Wow! What’s it?
HANNAH:
High class women’s apparel!
MIMI:
Oooh. How to wear?
HANNAH:
It’s worn on the, uh... up there.
MIMI:
Ah, ah. I know it. Wait, I already learned this word.
(PHONE NOISE) It’s ’boob tube!’.
HANNAH:
(piqued) It’s a bandeau.
MIMI:
I want to have a try!
HANNAH:
Sure, why not? I mean, you’re a bit skinnier than
strictly necessary, but why not? No, it goes under your
shirt... Right. No, wrong! don’t strip off in the
office! My goodness. This whole country is obsessed
with separating women and their clothing.
MIMI:
Ah, I like it! I want it!

26. 25.
HANNAH:
Well you can’t have it.
MIMI:
Wah!
HANNAH:
These are for UK-based retailers. My word, we don’t get
everything we want.
BRIAN’S HOUSE
BRIAN COUGHS A FEW TIMES TO PREPARE FOR A DEEP,
STENTORIAN IMPERSONATION
BRIAN:
(DEEP) Do you, Brian take this lovely Chinese girl to
be your lawful wedded wife? To love, honour and smooch
with to a degree that makes other people feel quite
uncomfortable?
BRIAN:
I... well-
BRIAN:
(Squeaky Mimi voice) Oh, Brian! You change your mind? I
thought you love me!
BRIAN:
I do!
BRIAN:
(DEEP) Jolly good! And do you, Mimi, take his royal-
(NORMAL VOICE) is that pushing it? Myeh! (DEEP) take
his royal highness Brian to be your lawful wedded
prince, protector and gosh-darned best lover in the
world - forgive me lord.
BRIAN:
(Mimi voice) I do! Oh, I really do!
BRIAN:
(DEEP) If any man knows why these two should not be
wed, speak now... and be prepared to get a piece of me!
A KNOCK AT THE DOOR, A MUFFLED “BRIAN” AND BRIAN’S
MOTHER IMMEDIATELY ENTERS.
BRIAN’S MUM:
Brian! Your tea’s rea- what on Earth are you doing?

27. 26.
BRIAN:
Just practicing for something.
BRIAN’S MUM:
What’ve you got your sister’s barbies doing?
BRIAN:
They’re bridesmaids.
BRIAN’S MUM:
And Teddy Ruxpin?
BRIAN:
Best man.
BRIAN’S MUM:
This is very odd, Brian. I mean, I know you like your
games.
BRIAN:
Didn’t you ever used to play weddings, before you met
dad?
BRIAN’S MUM:
Ah, the good old days. That’s all well and good, son.
There’s just one thing: why are YOU in the dress?
SUNNY DAYS OFFICE
HANNAH:
(sigh) People are strange, Mimi.
MIMI:
Oh really, Miss Hannah?
HANNAH:
I have this great fashion product, lots of stylish
women would love to wear it.
MIMIE:
You mean me?
HANNAH:
I- I just don’t know why it’s taking so much effort to
get retailers to buy.
MIMI:
If I like something, I just buy. I like to have all the
nice things!
HANNAH:
I must’ve made 100 calls today. Nada.

28. 27.
MIMI:
You want me to have a try? I think I can be a good
saleswoman!
HANNAH:
Let’s make that a back up plan. Oh well, onto the next
number on the list, I suppose.
FX: PHONE DIALLING SOUND
HANNAH:
Yes, Mr Johnson isn’t it? So good to talk again (pause)
It’s Hannah from Sunny Days.
MR JOHNSON:
(YORKSHIRE ACCENT) Well go on, I’m a busy man.
HANNAH:
(uncharacteristically sweet) Of course. Just a friendly
reminder. I can only offer you the 50% discount on our
new line of women’s apparel for a few more days!
MR JOHNSON:
Sunny Days. Let me think... Oh, I think I saw the
picture you sent me. A boob tube, right?
HANNAH:
(piqued) It’s a bandeau.
MR JOHNSON:
Right. Right. A bit tacky in’t it?
HANNAH:
No, I think you’ll find it’s chic and elegant.
MR JOHNSON:
Why I saw it meself!
HANNAH:
As a woman, I can assure you this is a high class
product for the fashion-conscious lady.
MR JOHNSON:
I know women!
HANNAH:
That’s possible-
MR JOHNSON:
And I know they don’t want to wear someit that looks
like Davey Crockett’s hat’s slipped!

29. 28.
HANNAH:
This is couture, a classic design element that
outshines fickle trends.
MR JOHNSON:
Why, I’m not going to take a risk on a garment that’s
not even in style.
HANNAH:
(through gritted teeth) Did you consider the
possibility that style isn’t your forte?
MR JOHNSON:
Oh, what is my forte then? Why don’t you tell me that?
HANNAH:
Oh, I don’t know. sticking a pack of whippets down your
trousers then blowing about it into your stupid
trombone till the whole world yawns?
MR JOHNSON:
Now wait a minute-
HANNAH:
Arr! (slams down phone)
MIMI:
(sweetly) He didn’t want?
HANNAH:
(SIGH) I remember why I’m not cut out for sales, Mimi.
BRIAN IS MAKING NOISES IN THE THAMES TRADING KITCHEN
OLLIE:
Stopping for lunch already?
BRIAN:
I need my strength. You never know when something’s
going to happen. Like a long journey, for instance!
OLLIE:
You been reading the horoscopes again? I hear there are
big changes ahead for Virgos! Soon, a tall handsome
stranger will-
BRIAN:
Could you pass the soy sauce?
OLLIE:
What is all this?

30. 29.
BRIAN:
Stir-fried noodles with crackling pork!
OLLIE:
Is it? Here was me thinking it was a chow mein pot
noodle and half a pepperoni.
BRIAN:
(stroppy) Someone ate the other half.
OLLIE:
Listen, if this wedding dress project goes off ok, then
I’ll restock the fridge, alright? Can’t say fairer than
that.
BRIAN:
I can’t wait to try real Chinese food!
OLLIE:
You’ve not been to Wing Chung’s down the road?
BRIAN:
Yeah, but it’s better in China, right?
OLLIE:
I suppose, but I don’t-
BRIAN:
Beijing’s pretty warm this time of year, I heard.
OLLIE:
Yes, but again why are you-
BRIAN:
Better take some T-shirts!
OLLIE:
I will thanks!
BRIAN:
Yeah, and also- Wait... Are you coming too?
OLLIE:
"Too?" You’re not making sense Brian, grammatically or
geographically. If you expect those fairy tale jottings
of yours to be the next Harry Potter you’re going to
have to get your head around basic syntax!
BRAIN:
I thought that...

31. 30.
OLLIE:
Yers?
BRIAN:
Ah. I see. Another one of my fairy tales I guess.
Forget it.
OLLIE:
I’ll do that. I’m getting to be a past master in
dealing with difficult types actually. You know, that
Hannah seemed really set on the idea of canceling the
wedding dress order.
BRIAN:
That is strange.
OLLIE:
It was. She blathered out some nonsense about
unattainable body standards concocted by a male
dominated society then hung up.
BRIAN:
That must have been quite a disappointment for you.
OLLIE:
A temporary set back. I’m hoping to catch an eyeful of
our favourite stroppy cow while I’m in Beijing. Eat
some roast duck, wrestle a few panda bears, check out
the goods, then after Hannah’s left check the dresses!
Do you get that one, Brian? Ah, don’t look so sad. If I
can’t sweet talk her when I’m there then I’ll do things
your way and pop into Dong Feng myself to place an
order. It’ll all work out.
FADE TO THE SUNNY DAYS OFFICE
(WHEN MIMI AND HARMONY TALK TO EACH OTHER THEIR
SPEECH IS MUCH FASTER, STEADY AND FREE OF
GRAMMATICAL ERRORS.)
HARMONY:
Mimi ah! When will we get the payment for the wedding
dresses?
MIMI:
I don’t know that!
HARMONY:
You should ask.
MIMI:
But I think the order was canceled.

32. 31.
HARMONY:
Ah? Who canceled it?
MIMI:
I don’t remember that.
HARMONY:
You don’t remember your own ass.
MIMI:
You are right, Meng Ni. I’m always forgetting important
things.
HARMONY:
Was there a problem with the design?
MIMI:
I don’t think so. I liked it. Look, I kept one in my
cupboard.
HARMONY:
Ah? So many clothes. It looks like Xiushui market in
here. Does Ha Na know?
MIMI:
No. She doesn’t need to know everything. I often like
to wear the clothes and take selfies.
HARMONY:
Ok. This is the dress?
MIMI:
It is.
HARMONY:
Heaven! You thought you could sell this in England?
BRIAN WALKS UP THE THAMES TRADING STAIRS SIGHING.
BRIAN:
Hardly pays me anything. Always poking fun. The one
time I’d actually like to-
FX: KEYS RATTLING IN DOOR, DOOR OPENING
BRIAN:
-do something and all I get is- Mr Macavoy!
OLLIE:
Brian I presume.

33. 32.
BRIAN:
It’s Wednesday! You’re in Beijing!
OLLIE:
An interesting theory. What do you think you’re looking
at then: an ill-Lucy-nation?
BRIAN:
Err... Time glitch?
OLLIE:
You appear to have passed up donning the standard
office wear, today of all days. What is that get up
you’ve got yourself up in?
BRIAN:
(bashful) Roman soldier.
OLLIE:
Don’t look like no Roman soldier I’ve ever seen, no
more cracks about my age thank you.
BRIAN:
It’s based on the comic books. I think it’s pretty
accurate all things considered.
OLLIE:
The penny drops. Rattle rattle rattle. So where’s
Asterix?
BRIAN:
Ah, I’d better phone him and cancel.
OLLIE:
Does this explain why my chair’s been tied to the
wheelie bin?
BRIAN:
It’s a Roman-
OLLIE:
Chariot, of course.
OLLIE:
Back to more mundane concerns. Reality, if that concept
doesn’t cause you to rout like you were back at the
battle of Waterloo.
BRIAN:
Actually, that wasn’t-

34. 33.
OLLIE:
I know, Brian. I don’t research the historical accuracy
of these quips ahead of time. Not everyone spends half
their working day on Wikipedia. Did the second sample
come?
BRIAN:
Yeah, when you were... out. I signed for it. With a
pen!
OLLIE:
This is the kind of sterling work I pay you for! Let’s
have a butchers.
BRIAN:
Oh. Wait a minute.
OLLIE:
Why would I have to do that? Hand it over, rover.
(CLICKING FINGERS AGGRESIVELY)
BRIAN:
I think I left it on the bus!
OLLIE:
Oh, did you? Too much to carry what with your cardboard
pilum? There! I got one in. Or perhaps there was a
tuxedo on the seat next over that you thought looked
lonely?
BRIAN:
Sorry, Mr Macavoy.
OLLIE:
Why did you even take it home?
BRIAN:
Yeeeeah.
OLLIE:
I’m waiting.
BRIAN:
Ummmmmm.
OLLIE:
Who tied up your tongue, the boy scouts?
FX: BRIAN’S PHONE RINGS. HE ANSWERS

35. 34.
BRIAN:
Hang on. Yeah, no. Sorry, Phil, racing’s off. I know,
this isn’t shaping up to be a good day.
SUNNY DAYS OFFICE
MIMI:
A big kiss for you! (kissy sound)
FX: PHONE CAMERA NOISE
MIMI:
Let me see! Oh Mimi, I just always so jealous for you.
I think you are so pretty!
MIMI
(even cutesier voice) Who? Me? I don’t think so!
MIMI:
Of course you! Your new hat is so charming! Like a
Paris lady!
MIMI:
(Cutesier voice) Oh, I am a simple girl, just want to
be happy every-
FX: MIMI’S OFFICE PHONE RINGS
MIMI:
Wei? I mean, Sunny Days Restaurant. No! Sunny- Oh hi
Brian! (PAUSE) I am not too bad actually Brian, just
working. (PAUSE) He didn’t?
BRIAN:
No, he’s still here in London!
MIMI:
Oh! Ollie was coming to Beijing for us?
BRIAN:
Yes, he... Didn’t you... So, I guess you don’t know why
he didn’t go?
MIMI:
Yes!
BRIAN:
Oh, you do?
MIMI:
Ah? I mean yes, I don’t know.

36. 35.
BRIAN:
Ah. I would really like to-
MIMI:
Oh, Brian you remember our plan, with Miss Hannah? I
think it is a good time now!
BRIAN:
I don’t know Mimi. You don’t want to make her really
angry, do you?
MIMI:
Yes!
BRIAN:
(hopeful) Yes you don’t?
MIMI:
Yes I do! Brian, you wanted our companies to work
together forever. I remember you saying so.
BRIAN:
You remember that, do you?
MIMI:
Ah, Miss Hannah’s coming. I will hang you up Brian!
FX: DOOR SLAM
HANNAH:
Arr! What a day!
MIMI:
How was your meeting? You found a new business partner?
HANNAH:
Puh! Brain the size of a crouton. I’d hand over our
books to him like I’d hand a kitten to Edward
Scissorhands.
MIMI:
I like kittens!
HANNAH:
I’m sure you do, Mimi. I’m sure you do.
HANNAH:
Oh, I have a number for a funny man who is interested
in the ban... bandaid?
HANNAH:
Deau. You did? You do?

37. 36.
MIMI:
I will find his number for you.
HANNAH:
Ok. Sure. Why not? This could be the one after all.
Think positive. Be ready for the call that turns it
all around. (PAUSE) So this is the hot lead then?
MIMI:
Yes. Hehe!
HANNAH:
Why are you laughing?
MIMI:
I didn’t! (PAUSE) Hehehe!
HANNAH:
Alright, get away! Get away!
FX: HANNAH’S PHONE RINGING
HANNAH:
Yes Hello. Is that... Bonnie... Charlie’s Haberdashery?
BRIAN:
Aye! You’re no wrong there lassie! Wha’ can I douh for
youh? It bear no be no sales kerap mind.
HANNAH:
Oh brother.
FX: STING TO SHOW PASSING OF TIME
THAMES TRADING OFFICE
FX: OLLIE’S PHONE RINGS
OLLIE:
Thames Trading, no job too big, no job too teeny, if
it’s quality you want- What’s that? Yes, you are
through to the famous Mr Macavoy. No, don’t tell me, I
doubtlessly have the pleasure of addressing her
majesty’s customs and excise most thorough, some say
almost TOO thorough, Officer Swardson.
OFFICER:
Questions, Mr Macavoy.
OLLIE:
Oh goody!

38. 37.
OFFICER:
How would you describe you latest shipment?
OLLIE:
With full and flourishing language certainly. Gosh, if
the spoken word failed me, I might have to resort to
singing the praises of the versatility and low cost of
these dresses. (clears throat)
OFFICER:
Dresses, I see.
OLLIE:
Correct. Dresses, comma, wedding. That wants a double
D. I expect you wouldn’t mind-
OFFICER:
Yes, Mr Macavoy I can anticipate your next humorous
remark.
OLLIE:
Efficient. This is why I love getting these calls,
Steven. You’re not one to rattle on unnecessarily,
wasting precious seconds, nay minutes with-
OFFICER:
Customs value?
OLLIE:
Oh, you do a marvelous job! Put down "inestimable."
OFFICER:
Mr Macavoy, the declared value of this shipment of 200
red women’s garments seems suspiciously low.
OLLIE:
That’s practically our slogan innit? Prices what ain’t
just low, they’re suspiciously low.
OFFICER:
These weren’t made with Chinese prison labour were
they?
OLLIE:
Listen, that was one time. Not even that, total
misunderstanding.
OFFICER:
Mr Macavoy, if you treated customs inspections with the
seriousness they warrant to your businesses I’m sure-

39. 38.
OLLIE:
Hang on a minute. What colour did you say they were?
HARMONY’S APARTMENT. THERE’S SOME BACKGROUND CHINESE MUSIC
TO MAKE THE CUT CLEAR. SHE’S ON THE PHONE TO HER MYSTERY
MAN.
HARMONY:
Red. Very red. You know, in China, you have to put
everything into the contract. Otherwise-
MYSTERY MAN:
Cock ups. Yes, well. I think I have the perfect
solution for you.
HARMONY:
Thank you.
MYSTERY MAN:
Not at all, In England we have a saying "A friend in
need is a friend indeed"
HARMONY:
I like this saying.
MYSTERY MAN:
And I have a friend in Leeds. He works in a really big
private school, what you can do is-
(FADE OUT)
THAMES TRADING
OLLIE:
You said the dress looked fine! You practically fell in
love with the thing.
BRIAN:
It did look fine! Very nice.
OLLIE:
Brian, what color are wedding dresses normally?
BRIAN:
I’ve never got married. Don’t even have a g-
OLLIE:
In the movies then. Paint a picture in your mind.
Groom’s in a somber outfit, even sombrer expression on
his chevvy. Dang dang da-dang, strife-to-be enters
church left, what’s her colour scheme?

40. 39.
BRIAN:
White, I suppose.
OLLIE:
And what color was the sample?
BRIAN:
Kind of...off white?
OLLIE:
Off-white, as in bright screwing red!
BRIAN:
You know, in China, red is used for ceremonial clothes.
It is a symbol of good fortune and a portent of
happiness and success.
OLLIE:
Well, you know, In England it represents a cock up of
intergalactic proportions and is a portent of my foot
free kicking your April all the way to the nearest job
centre!
BRIAN:
Well, maybe if you’d’ve let me go to Beijing I’d’ve
responded to the extra responsibility and we would’nt
have this problem.
OLLIE:
(PAUSE) There’s something not entirely kosher going on
here, Brian. Roman soliders, the Venus de Milo, you
answering back. In fact, that whole fishy tale of
Hannah and the Chinese peeping Toms! I think I’d better
phone her and clear things up!
BRIAN:
I’m not sure that’ll work.
OLLIE:
And you can clear your desk, son! All that fantasy guff
can go straight in a cardboard box to your mum’s house
where it belongs!
SUNNY DAYS OFFICE
MIMI:
I know you are a good manager, Hannah. If sales calls
make you feel so crazy, you can always ask Thames
Trading to help for you.
HANNAH:
(SIGH) It’s not just the personal insults, Mimi. I
genuinly feel we should be aiming to work with actual
(MORE)

41. 40.
HANNAH: (cont’d)
professional people. Even if Ollie called me and
apologized I’m not sure I could-
FX: HANNAH’S PHONE RINGS
HANNAH:
(SIGH) Do you ever just want to pretend you don’t hear
it?
MIMI:
Oh yes, I often do this!
HANNAH:
What??
MIMI:
Oh no, I didn’t!
HANNAH:
Arr!
HANNAH GRABS THE PHONE
HANNAH:
Sunny Days what? (PAUSE) Um. (PAUSE) Ok. (PAUSE) I see.
(PAUSE) Yes. (PAUSE) Well, it’s interesting to hear you
call me and describe your problem because that is
certainly what it is: your problem.
OLLIE:
Don’t you wipe your hands of me, Hannah. I don’t come
off so easy. It’s you what found the supplier, passed
on the specs. Not to mention getting to play fancy
dress the whole day long while everyone else was doing
the real work. Typical woman. You just want to show up
and get the easy praise for looking nice but when
responsibility comes knocking you’re nowhere to be
found.
HANNAH:
Don’t care.
OLLIE:
Don’t care? This is legal responsibility we’re talking
about. Why do you think I put up with all your guff? On
the offchance you’ll one day upload a picture to
LinkedIn, like that’d kill you.
HANNAH:
Don’t care. You’re basically rehersing all of this for
your therapist as far as I’m concerned.

42. 41.
OLLIE:
I’ll sue you, that’s what I’ll do!
HANNAH:
Sue me? How are you going to do that? I didn’t sign off
on the order. Where’s my name? My name. You should
learn what that really means! It’s Ms Ferguson, not
“Hannar", not ”sweet ’art", not "China dove". Trash. I
wouldn’t work with you again if you were the last
low-value chain trader in England!
OLLIE:
Work with you? You’re lucky I don’t come over there and
put you across my knee you cheeky tart. I’ll smack that
fat backside with a rolled up copy of our signed
contract till the ink comes off and tattoos my name on
your arse!
HANNAH:
You can’t come here you awful driveling jumped up
barrow boy. Every time you so much as look at a plane
you soil your britches and go running to the grimy
backstreets of the east end where you belong!
OLLIE:
That’s not what happened!
HANNAH:
It always happens! Spineless toad. You’re stuck like a
pig in a fluid mess of your own making you alcoholic...
filthy... divorced...
OLLIE:
No! Coz, I had my credit card turned down this time.
So, you’re not right 100% of the time like you think
you are, are you Ms Ferguson!
HANNAH:
(STUNNED SILENCE)
OLLIE:
In fact. You couldn’t lend us a few bob could you?
ANOTHER ROOM AT THAMES TRADING
BRIAN:
Not really. I think I’ve been fired!
MIMI:
Brian! But I thought you said MrMacavoy was so kind
hearted?

43. 42.
BRIAN:
I might have exagerrated that point.
MIMI:
Maybe if you can sell Miss Hannah’s bandanas this will
prove to everyone how good you can working!
BRIAN:
Erg. That sounds difficult.
MIMI:
No! It is a high-class fashion product for the modern
woman! I took many many selfies today wearing it. Hehe!
BRIAN:
You really like them? Actually we did use to sell some
clothes in China Town, before customs and excise took
an interest.
MIMI:
Oh Brian! You will be my hero!
BRIAN:
Ha... me? I’m blushing. Ok I’ll look for contact
details. But... You think I can really do it?
MIMI:
I really think! You will be the wind beneath our wings!
BRIAN:
I’ll do my best! Bye bye Mimi!
MIMI:
Cheerio Brian (QUIETER) Brian!
BRIAN HANGS UP
BRIAN:
Wow, can you believe it?
BRIAN:
(heroic voice) The maiden has chosen you Brion, for she
knows you have both the wisdom and the guile to...
It’s... No, Look in the F Drive. Use your special power
to search for any item by date modified.
BRIAN:
(normal voice) Here we are. China Town models. Wow,
some of these girls are so pretty.
FX: BRIAN’S CHAIR CREAKS

44. 43.
BRIAN:
Whoops! Don’t come a cropper... I wonder if Mimi looks
like that? Cor, look at that one. She’s about the right
age.
BRIAN:
(heroic voice) Brion, don’t even think about doing that
here in the office.
OLLIE IS IN A BETTING SHOP WITH LOTS OF BACKGROUND NOISE
OLLIE:
Yes, I hear you Harmony, but how would doing that help
my situation?
HARMONY:
Because this school will have a prom soon.
OLLIE:
Lovely.
HARMONY:
You know prom?
OLLIE:
Of course I know prom! It’s short for promenade. That’s
Latin for a fancy get together with... walking.
HARMONY:
En. And the girls, they need to wear special dresses.
OLLIE:
Ah-ha! I see in which direction your cunning oriental
mind is promenading, Harmony. But will they want to buy
dresses just for one party?
HARMONY:
It’s the school’s centennial. (PAUSE) That means-
OLLIE:
A hundred years, yes. I know French. You are aware of
the colour co- hiccup, presumably.
HARMONY:
We don’t have to hiccup about it. The school colour is
red.
OLLIE:
Oh. That’s a bit of luck.
HARMONY:
You know, in China, red is a symbol of good fortune
and-

45. 44.
OLLIE:
Yes, I heard that. So how many pupils Harmony? The
target demographic sounds wonderful but these girls
schools are usually tiny aren’t they?
HARMONY:
More than 1,000.
OLLIE:
(BEAT) I would like to take back anything negative I
may have said about Sunny Day Procurement. It is a fine
company staffed only by true professionals.
HARMONY:
Good, then maybe you can do a favour for us. You see,
Miss Hannah...
FADE TO BRIAN’S BEDROOM
BRIAN TAPS NUMBERS INTO HIS PHONE: DEEP... DEEP
BRIAN:
You can do it Brian. How hard is a sales call? You’ve
heard Ollie do those a thousand times.
FX: BRIAN’S PHONE RINGS
BRIAN:
Agh! Jeepers. Hello?
OLLIE:
Good news Brian! It looks like I’ve solved your wedding
dress cock up. I’ve tentatively sold half that first
shipment already. I’ll probably cancel the rest though.
Mr Wang will be disappointed but even I find shifting
bright red wedding dresses in England a bit of a
challenge.
BRIAN:
Oh. That’s good.
OLLIE:
Well, it’s not bad is it? And, double whammy, I’ve only
gone and found someone who’ll take Hannah’s fuzzy chest
warmers haven’t I?
BRIAN:
What?
OLLIE:
Yeah, I noticed on the office computer a folder of
China Town contacts I must have left open. So... Speedy
Chan!

46. 45.
BRIAN:
Who?
OLLIE:
The car dealer! He’s gonna dye those things pink and
sell them as steering wheel covers!
BRIAN:
How? When?
OLLIE:
As S as P. What time you planning on coming in
tomorrow? I need you to show up fairly smart as there’s
plenty to get on with.
BRIAN:
You mean I-
OLLIE:
Yers?
BRIAN:
Usual time I guess.
OLLIE:
Twenty minutes late? Alright, see you then.
FX: PHONE BEEP
BRIAN:
Well, there goes my plan to be a hero. I guess I might
as well close this- oh. New message from Mimi Zhao
(PAUSE) Oh Brian. You never saw my pic before. Hehe. I
am sending you a picture of me doing the modelling of
the... ban door? Oh, bandeau. Maybe it can give you
some good ideas.
DOWNSTAIRS IN THE LIVING ROOM OF BRIAN’S HOUSE
BRIAN’S MUM’S FRIEND:
So your Brian’s doing well at work then?
BRIAN’S MUM:
Oh yes. He’s really enjoying it these days. Always
upstairs on his computer doing work emails.
A LOUD CRASH AND BUMP COME FROM ABOVE PLUS AN ’ARR’ AS BRIAN
FALLS OFF HIS CHAIR.
BRIAN’S MUM’S FRIEND:
Sounds like he’s really fallen for it.

47. 46.
THEME TUNE
END OF SHOW