If your child's eating goes beyond "picky" into "problem" then these are 10 parenting rules that you should break

1. 10 parenting “rules” to break
if your child’s eating goes beyond
“picky” into “problem”

2. You may call it picky eating, problem eating,
selective eating, or give it the diagnostic name
“avoidant restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID)”.
What you call it is not as important as what you do
about it. Children who struggle with eating need
help and understanding not judgment, pressure
and censure. Help them cope and thrive by
tailoring your rules to their needs. That could
mean breaking these 10 common eating “rules”.
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3. Meals take place at the table
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4. The arguments for families eating meals together at the table range from nostalgia
(the “that’s the way meals were served when I was growing up” angle) to science. Parenting
experts quote lots of studies to support the idea that family dinner times foster everything from better
eating habits to better parent-child relationships to better childhood literacy.
For the ARFID child, the family dinner table can be a minefield of stress, forcing them to deal with
everything from unmet expectations to unwelcome sensory stimulation. In a group meal setting an
ARFIDian’s different eating patterns are most glaringly on display, not only what they eat but how they
eat it and how long it takes them to do it. For the child this environment most likely feels like pressure
to eat like everyone else (even if it’s unspoken). Exposure to a range of foods that are unacceptable to
them could make it more difficult for an ARFIDian to eat anything at all as their anxiety levels rise. This
can turn the dinner table from an oasis of familial connection to a culinary combat zone.
Avoid putting kids with ARFID in situations that are going to add another layer of negative associations
with food. Even if you “win” a battle and get them to comply with your expectations at one meal, you
likely have given them another data point that links food and stress.
Why It’s Not So Great for ARFIDians 1

5. A Better Idea 1
Relax the rules.
Make it OK to…
- eat at the kitchen counter
- eat on the sofa
- eat in the bedroom
- eat by yourself….

6. Just take one bite
2

7. This feeding strategy is a popular stand by for navigating the “picky eating” phase that many
children go through and it is frequently used to encourage children to broaden their menu and
find new favorite foods. On the surface it seems innocent enough - it just asks the child to try a food
before rejecting it (bringing taste into play rather than relying on sight or smell).
For the ARFID child, this seemingly simple request is not something they can easily comply with.
Whether their selective eating has its roots in sensory aversion or fear, if the food you are asking them
to taste is not one of their safe foods, it simply does not look like something that should go in their
mouth at all, even for just one bite. Imagine if someone sat a bowl of sand in front of you - handed you
a spoon and asked you to take just one bite. This is likely what your child is grappling with - a strong
sense of disgust or horror.
Insisting on just one bite also removes the child’s self determination regarding food by putting you in
an authoritarian role. It positions you as the one who will decide what your child will eat even as it
demonstrates your lack of alignment with the food your child finds acceptable. The result is likely to be
increased stress, anxiety and confrontation with there being very little chance the child will actually
discover that the food is acceptable to them via this route.
Why It’s Not So Great for ARFIDians 2

8. A Better Idea 2
Make choices
available but
leave the decision
to try in the
hands of the
child.

9. No devices while eating
3

10. Concerns about the amount of time today’s children spend engaging with digital devices are
legitimate and there is a growing conversation about the negative effects that this has and the
need for boundaries. A blanket rule that devices should not be used during mealtimes can seem wise
both because it allows for important personal interaction and because it reduces distractions. Many
feeding specialists recommend that mealtime use of devices should be banned for picky eaters,
believing it will keep them focused on the task at hand and that through higher concentration on
eating, the child will eat better.
For the child with ARFID, the singular focus on an amount of food that they are expected to eat is
likely to be interpreted as pressure and to result in a negative rather than a positive reaction. Many
ARFIDians are very slow eaters and a lack of entertainment during mealtimes makes them more
likely to want to exit the environment, resulting in them eating less than if they were allowed to
entertain themselves with eating food being an ancillary activity. Having the ARFID child participate
in family meals and other group eating activities can be very challenging. Allowing them to use
devices during these events means that they do not have to miss out on the social interaction even if
they do not wish to eat and it allows the family to participate in more social functions without drawing
unwelcome attention to the eating restriction.
Why It’s Not So Great for ARFIDians 3

11. A Better Idea 3
Keep rules about technology during mealtimes flexible
as you observe when it can serve to make your child
happier and willing to eat more.

12. You can’t have dessert
unless you eat your vegetables
4

13. Rewards have long been a parenting standby to encourage kids to eat more nutritious foods
and they are often recommended as a parenting technique for the selective eater. The rationale
seems logical enough – remove the preferred food that they are “filling up” on and they will become
hungry enough that their resistance to other foods will be lowered.
Although creating an environment where the ARFIDian is encouraged to experiment with non safe
foods is an important part of therapy treatment, parents should proceed with care. For such
techniques to be effective, children need to be developmentally mature enough to understand the
benefits of eating a wider range of food and be somewhat motivated to do so. Restricting the
availability of safe foods from a selective eater that is not yet mature enough to push through their
own resistance is not likely to result in greater caloric intake or a broadened range of acceptable
foods. With the increased anxiety and confrontation that restricting access to safe foods creates as
the parent becomes authoritarian in determining what the child can eat, children with ARFID may
well choose not to eat anything much at all, rather than to eat the unsafe foods being offered. Many
medical experts say this will not happen. Many parents of children with ARFID can confirm that it
does and it can go to extremes, even requiring hospitalization.
Why It’s Not So Great for ARFIDians 4

14. A Better Idea 4
Tackle exposure to unsafe foods without restricting
access to safe foods. Provide options and
encouragement while prioritizing the goal of
sufficient caloric intake.

15. You must use your
knife and fork properly
5

16. It’s easy to forget that using flatware or cutlery is a learned skill because most of us master
that skill when we are young. For children who have eating problems however, requiring them to
use a knife and fork in the correct manner can insert just one more hurdle in the process of getting
them to eat.
Difficulty in managing silverware could result from lack of practice as many of the foods that
ARFIDians prefer to eat are finger foods. Their crunchy texture may not require cutting – or parents
may consistently cut food into smaller pieces even for children who are older, so that it fits in with
their eating patterns and supports them taking in enough calories. Other children may struggle to
manipulate their knife and fork as a result of fine motor challenges.
The way that children with ARFID eat – not just what they eat – can become a factor that influences
the family’s willingness to participate in social eating with other people such as in restaurants. It can
draw unwanted attention to the child’s eating behaviors, causing embarrassment and shame for
parents and child alike.
Why It’s Not So Great for ARFIDians 5

17. A Better Idea 5
Tackle the issue of eating with cutlery as a
secondary issue to caloric intake. Serve food in
such a way that it aligns with the child’s current
skill set (finger food, fork food) until such time
that the task of using flatware can be tackled
separately. Begin learning to use a knife and fork
in a supportive environment on easy items.

18. Breakfast is the most
important meal of the day
6

19. Mainstream views about the importance of eating early in the day vary but for children with
ARFID the path of least resistance is best. Arbitrarily deciding that they should be hungry at a
particular time and structuring eating on that basis is not as likely to be successful as observing when
they are hungry (or at least most likely to eat) and making food readily available then. Some children
have digestive systems that seem to be most sensitive in the morning – perhaps reflecting anxiety
about the coming school day. This means they can feel nauseous and unwilling to eat. Time is likely
to be pressured in the mornings also given work and school schedules and many children with
ARFID need a longer time and more relaxed environment for meals.
Creating a daily breakfast battle is undesirable. Strategize alternatives that don’t elevate stress but
provide some opportunity for nutritional intake. Perhaps a supplement drink that can be consumed
on the go would be accepted. Provide finger foods that could be eaten on the trip to school. Ask the
teacher to accommodate having snacks available during the first classes of the day.
On weekends, experiment with a more relaxed schedule to see when appetite rises enough to
accept foods by making a brunch buffet of preferred foods available.
Why It’s Not So Great for ARFIDians 6

20. A Better Idea 6
Respond to your child’s appetite cycles by having
acceptable foods available when they are most likely
to be eaten. Relax if that means skipping breakfast
or eating it on the go.

21. No snacking between meals
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22. The idea behind banning snacks is that the child’s appetite will increase if there are longer
periods between eating, allowing them to take in more calories at mealtimes. It is also often
viewed that the calories eaten at meals are of higher nutritional quality than what is offered as
snack foods. While this may be sound advice for children who have normal appetite functioning, it
does not deliver desired outcomes in a situation of problem eating.
Children with ARFID may not be able to take in sufficient calories at mealtimes. They may find
eating socially raises their anxiety. The food offered may not be acceptable to them. The sensory
stimulation from what other people are eating may shut down their appetite. They may eat so
slowly that they can take in little food before mealtime is over.
Outlawing snacks in between meals therefore could take away the opportunity to increase caloric
intake and keep sugar levels stable and to avoid “hangry” mood swings and meltdowns. It is not
desirable for children with ARFID to go long periods without eating much as this can contributes to
further desensitizing them to hunger cues.
Why It’s Not So Great for ARFIDians 7

23. A Better Idea 7
Recognize that grazing may be less stressful for your
child than large meals. Focus on caloric intake and a
regular pattern of eating and make food available
when it is likely to be accepted.

24. Hiding ingredients in
foods is a good way to
improve nutrition
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25. Creatively adding ingredients to kid’s dishes has become a popular strategy to increase the
nutritional value of meals. Pureed mushrooms mixed into pasta sauce, avocado baked into
cupcakes, protein powders stirred into mac’n’cheese. Invariably the advocates of this approach
claim that the kids never notice the difference and happily eat the food offered.
Parents of problem eaters should proceed cautiously with this approach. Many children with ARFID
have highly developed senses – some so much so they are well described as super-tasters. They are
easily able to detect changes in taste or texture that would be indistinguishable to the average person.
Indeed parents of ARFIDians frequently express frustration when the commercial manufacturers of
food change something in the ingredients or processing that their child is able to identify and which
causes them to reject what was once a safe food.
For problem eaters, the goal is to build a better relationship with food and expand the numbers of
foods are considered safe. The process is challenging but it goes easier if a child trusts the parent as
their partner in the journey. Lying about whether a food is indeed a safe food or is something else is
likely to damage that trust and have more far reaching ramifications than just one meal.
Why It’s Not So Great for ARFIDians 8

26. A Better Idea 8
Be completely honest with your child about the food
that you serve. Explore food chaining as a strategy to
increase the range of foods eaten rather than trying
subterfuge.

27. You don’t need to worry
if he’s not underweight
9

28. Disordered eating is very easy to miss, especially for medical practitioners who are not
schooled in the red flags. Because many children go through a phase of restricting eating (the
“picky eating” phase) a common response to a parent’s concerns is “don’t worry – he’ll grow out if it.”
This can seem appropriate if the child is not severely underweight vs. the commonly used height/
weight growth charts. Indeed, failure to meet expected growth patterns is one of the factors that can be
present in a diagnosis of ARFID.
There are two major problems with using weight as a single marker for the presence of an eating
disorder, however:
1. Many children with eating problems are not underweight because of the foods they consistently eat.
2. Many of the problems associated with disordered eating can not be identified via weight.
Numerous problem eaters favor carbohydrate heavy and sugary foods, which can mean that caloric
intake is sufficient and weight gain meets or exceeds norms. However, nutritional deficiencies,
cognitive impairment, social isolation, stressful family dynamics, anxiety, and depression are all well
documented impacts from sustained periods of selective eating and none of these can be measured or
assessed via weight or body mass.
Why It’s Not So Great for ARFIDians 9

29. A Better Idea 9
Educate yourself on the full range of nutritional,
psychological and social impacts of problem eating
and how to assess the degree to which these
impacts are affecting your child. Bring this
knowledge to your discussions with your healthcare
support team.

30. It’s OK to let them go hungry,
they won’t starve!
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31. The idea behind this is essentially that you can push a child out of their eating comfort zone
by restricting the foods available to them. It aligns with the view that not eating will never be an
acceptable choice to them. Unfortunately for some problem eaters, not eating may well be their most
attractive choice – and for many of them it is certainly a more attractive choice than eating a nonsafe
food. Many parents have learned this the hard way by trying to follow this misguided advice, only to
precipitate a health and emotional crisis after a sustained period of severely limited food intake.
Please don’t let your child go hungry in an attempt to change the foods they are willing to eat.
Although expanding the range of acceptable foods is a long-term goal of feeding therapy, such a
draconian short-term strategy is unlikely to yield benefit to the problem eater. They do not eat
selectively because they wish to, they eat selectively because their brains and bodies do not allow
them to eat more broadly at this time. Reeducating them and rehabilitating existing patterns is key to
addressing the problem. It is a poor strategy to simply raise the stakes for them without giving them
any additional tools to accomplish something that they are struggling to do.
Your primary goal at all times is to support your child’s well being. Acceptable strategies to address
the feeding/eating problem will be aligned with that goal.
Why It’s Not So Great for ARFIDians 10

32. A Better Idea 10
Explore strategies with your
support team that help your
problem eater by providing new
education and new tools.
Prioritize your child’s well being
at all times with an eye on long-
term goals.

33. Hello!
I’m Louise Purtle
I’ve turned my years raising a child with ARFID
into a passion for helping other parents of
children with eating problems.
Connect with me and join the ARFIDLife
community…
ARFIDLife.com
Facebook @ARFIDLife
Instagram ARFIDLifeLouise
Founder