There's No Where to Go but Home

No Where to Go but Home:
[How a near death experience sheltered a Toddler
to help him survive what was to come]
©Peter J. O'Lalor 2012

No Where to Go but Home Peter O'Lalor
Pitar was amazed and quite relieved. His memories stretching
back decades, found him nearly two years old. Pitar was not an
ordinary toddler. His Sister, five years his senior had started a journal
in her first Foster home. Some years later she shared it with him.
Now he knew, there was no doubt. What he remembered was
validated by the journal. Not that Satya knew what he remembered
but at least she could corroborate the home and family he was born
into and for many years to come would not know.
Certain events as well were shared. Pitar and Satya laughed when
he shared his first memory of Christmas. His crib in a small drab,
sparsely furnished room; across the hallway from the green and
yellow kitchen, next to the Parlor, was his world, for a little while.
It was Christmas morning in his second year. Pitar was always
climbing out of his crib and this morning, not that he knew any thing
about Christmas, somesortofraucousbetweenhis two older siblings,
six and seven years his senior, found Pitar climbing up and out of his
crib. Down on all fours Pitar scampered to see what the fuss was
about. Devon and Mikhail were fighting over a gun and holster set
from the old American West, while a television show, Boom Town
was in the background. It was then that Pitar, for the first time would
recognized the thundering footsteps, of his giant. The floor upon
which Pitar crawled rattled with each step. As if he was not there at

all, Dad walked right over Pitar and put to rest; the fighting between
Devon and Mikhail.
Suddenly, a pair of gentle hands grasped Pitar from behind to be
lifted into the arms of his Mother. She rushed him away and placed
him back in his crib without a word, and was gone. Pitar even in
much later years recounted these memories with a sense that he was
just a witness. Wide eyed and wondered, Pitar soaked in every
person, place, and thing. Yet, he could not understand the gibberish
and noise, which was often was very loud coming from the mouths
of his Parents, two Brothers, and two Sisters, Satya and Tanya. Soon
however a miraculous event would change that. For now there were
more adventures to be had.
The Rabbit stew at Easter and Pitar’s tantrum was one moment
filled with excitement, laughter, and pandemonium. His four siblings
teased the toddler that the Easter Bunny was the Rabbit in the stew.
Pitar began wailing and banging his high chair tray, as his siblings
laughed at his inward confusion and fear.Pitar knew Dad was coming
as the floor began shaking beneath his size 13D shoes. So Dad firmly
placed a bowl on the high chair tray with a clear expectation of
compliance. His Siblings were certainly silenced. Pitar looked up,
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way up. Dad was six foot and five inches tall. He was as wide as he
was deep. It was Pitar’s first experience with omnipresence. Dad
seemed to fill the room with his presence. Pitar had no fear though
and he certainly was not going to eat the Easter Bunny. So with the
energyof a mightyZeus hurling lightening bolts, Pitar kicked the tray
with all his might as the stew sprayed the entire table before him, as
his siblings ran for cover. Again, it was back to the crib. No words,
no nothing. Just gentlyplaced. Pitar stood upon his knees and pressed
his face between the slats he was holding and simply watched what
was going on in the kitchen. Calm had returned.
Soon it was Summer. Pitar was found to be crawling away from
the ice cream truck; as his Father placed him on the ground; fumbling
with his wallet. There were four other children clamoring as children
do when the ice cream truck arrived. in the projects built for soldiers
returning from World War II. It would not be the first time that Pitar
scampered away, but the adventures were slowly turning dangerous.
Pitar scurried like a happySquirrel across the grass dragging his little
stuffed Bear along behind him. Coming to a fence, Pitar and his little
Bear ascended the obstacle. Gingerly gasping each link slowly utntil
he reached the top. Pitar placed his bear upon the top of the fence for
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comfort. After all; his bear was his best friend. Pitar could see and
hear the sounds of the city. He was filled with wonderment.
Suddenly a slow vibration agitated the fence, as a menacing sound
shook Pitar's world. For the moment, it was the only sound then
some kind of roaring and clanging thing, began to rush by rattling on
its rails. As it came whooshing by, Pitar was now for the first time
experiencing fear. His little scream was barely audible, as he fell
backward looking toward the sky, desperately holding onto his Bear.
The stuffed animal had been pierced by the jagged metal atop the
fence. Pitar hung on for dear life, as the Bear ripped in two, as its
stuffing took to the wind, and was sucked awayin a whirlwind by the
passing trolley.
Now however, the stomping of his giant Father was most happily
felt. As the trolley’s roar lessened the ground now shook with the
welcome anticipation of Dad. Pitar’s Father, just in time, grasped
Pitar by his diapered hips, and in catching Pitar; his poor Bear was no
more, completely torn asunder. Dad grabbed him under his arms and
held him to the sky. Pitar was even higher than his Dad now. Their
eyes met and a solemn and mutual relief accompanied their gaze. No
words were said, no reprimand, just relief. Dad let him down slowly
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and like a bundle of laundry; curled his giant arm around him, and
walked back to the gang of kids waiting for their ice cream.
Pitar was too much in shock to even remember his Bear. As days
went by Pitar found himself in the cellar of the nearby Church. There
were many children there, one woman, it was colorful, but had an
odd smell. Or at least an unfamiliar smell. The children were put
down to nap in the afternoon. Pitar however, was not one to sleep
much and certainly not in the middle of the day.
One day however, his Mother appeared at the door. As usual he
was scurrying about as the good kids were napping, as was expected.
Pitar’s Mother was not happy. The pre-school teacher had called
Pitar’s Mother to come and get the kid. Pitar was being expelled
because Pitar refused to take a nap! Which of course instigated the
other children offering much comedy as he was chased about by his
teacher. When his stooped to retrieve the little rug rat, Pitar
hurriedly scooted under the large piano, laughing at the Women’s
frustration. They could not reach him.
Pitar’s little giggles were met with looks of grave and uncertain
disapproval. A man appeared and carefully moved the piano. Pitar’s
Mother angrily grabbed him, and proceeded to exit the Church’s
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cellar. As Pitar looked back it was apparent that he was looking at
the kids on the floor with great satisfaction. Pitar felt victorious and
never had to go back. Which was unfortunate because his next
journey was going to prove to be a near fatal one.
Pitar was an observer. Still unable to make sense out of the garbled
noise called speech; Pitar had other qualities that allowed him to
understandwithout knowledge.WhenFatherbellowedandall looked
his way; Pitar watched with earnest at everyone else.
Pitar could not be held captive in his crib either. A new crib with
high slats; was only a small challenge. It was this day that Pitar, now
three years of age would explore the world, alone, and meet with dire
consequences.
Noticing the baby-sitter had fallen asleep and his siblings where
not to be found, Pitar climbed up and over his new crib. He slowly
walked toward the front door grabbing his new red tricycle on his
way. Gently he opened the door and walked toward the familiar
elevator. Pitar was observant. Many times in the elevator he would
watch what buttons to push. Standing on his tricycle he pushed the
bottom button. Going inside and repeating the procedure, before he
knew it, he was in the lobby.
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Pitar was infused with glee. He pedaled his little bike out the front
door, that had been held open to cool the building from the summers
heat and humidity. He was alone, all alone in the world, and their was
nothing to stop him, until his fatal end, as he pushed ever onward
toward a very busy city street in Boston.
Feeling invincible Pitar roared onto the main road. Suddenly his
little feet could not keep up with the tricycle. He was going down a
big hill and very quickly. Ages would pass as Pitar would never
forget what was about to happen.
In the distance an object appeared and it was coming closer and
the closer it came, the quicker it approached. The object was
accompanied by a large sound that bellowed black smoke as it
stressed to climb the hill. It was a truck. It was an old truck with
a wooden bumper reaching down toward the ground. Covering the
grill, there were holes cut out for the headlights. Without warning the
truck, its sound, and its bumper , slammed into little Pitar. WHAM!
One huge bright light was all that little Pitar knew; then blackness.
Slowly as if emerging from a mist; Pitar found himself floating
above a horrific scene and stood by observing without fear the
commotion below. There were many people, some in blue, some in
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black,andthewoman, the beautiful woman; he would somedayknow
as his Mother; and lose at the same time, frantically stood by. He
looked to see a man in blue lift a small body from the grille of a
parked car, where Pitar's body was twisted amidst the metal, the
blood, and his tricycle.
Pitar watched with great curiosity. Pitar was ironically at peace.
Little did Pitar know; it was his body. Pitar was in the sky; being
pulled upward. It was a strong sensation of being taken away. Pitar
struggled against this feeling because he wanted, even needed to
know more. The reason was - was that he began to understand what
had been just noise when people spoke. Pitar was now able to
understand language.
A man in blue gently lifted a limp, torn, and bloodied body from
the wreckage, walking toward his Mother. A sudden grim silence
descended upon the crowd, as the man in blue walked toward Pitar's
Mother. Pitar's body was bright red, its head fallen backward, its
mouth agape, and its limp arms swung as the man in blue approached
Pitar's Mother. The sensation of being pulled skyward increased with
great force. Unfortunately the first words Pitar would understand
were, “I'm sorry Mam... He's dead. Mother and Son were in a mutual
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and morbid shock.
Pitar started to feel he was giving into the attraction pulling him
awayuntil... The man in blue placed little Pitar's body in his Mother's
arms. She screamed with a gut wrenching, ear piercing, Heaven
shaking, shrill; that shook the very thing that was pulling Pitar away.
Pitar not understanding but feeling overwhelming compassion, he
reached out toward the Woman, and in slow motion descended
toward the Woman, he still did not know was his Mother.
As his Mother wrenched little Pitar's body from the man in blue;
Pitar's bodywas forcefullybrought towardthe woman's breast. Blood
showered and sprayed all around her, lifting like a ghastly Tsunami
spraying her face, chest, and neck.
With feelings of great compassion; Pitar struggled to reach out and
touch the Woman. He would always remember that feeling. That
great need to calm someone when they were in the throes of hysteria.
The struggle against the force pulling him skyward, waned, and he
slowly moved downward toward his Mother. Pitar touched her heart
and when his hand went through her, Pitar became confused, joined
his body, returned to life, and fell into a coma. Now joined with the
body, he would one day know was, he would have his daily mantra
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some day: I am not my body and my body is not me.
There was nothing really to remember. It had all been forgotten.
One day Pitar seemed to come back to consciousness and he
remembered the Church, the apartment building, his home and
siblings, but things seemed different. This daywas a sad day. Perhaps
that is why Pitar came to, so to speak.
Pitar now more than three years old, was sitting on the floor
outside his bedroom when a knock came to the door. It was not his
giant Father; he had not been there. It was not his beautiful Mother,
for she had seemed to have gone away as well. An older sibling
opened the door and two strangers appeared. Pitar did not know or
remember that the Man and Woman were his Grandparents. His
Sister's Satya and Tanya began crying, while Mikhael and Devon
busied themselves with carrying out suitcases and boxes. The
Grandmother stooped to embrace Pitar and as usual he scurriedaway.
He was soon apprehended, and all left the apartment.
Upon arriving at Grandfather's car, Pitar took notice of the shiny
black and chrome studded large vehicle. All got in but Satya and
Tanya were still crying. Grandfather seemed worried and
Grandmother started crying too. Pitar did not understand as the car's
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engine roared and sped away. Pitar was never to return.
Soon Grandmother produced some chocolate bars. To Pitar's joy
he gobbled them up; or at least what did not melt upon his face and
hands. It was a clear Autumn day. Pitar had no memory of the past
year but he did remember the accident. However, he had neither the
impetus nor the means to talk about it. He just remembered it. Yet,
this day he would remember for the rest of his life.
Pitar could not read but the car stopped in front of the Home for
Little Wanderers. Ironically across the street some years later, which
was now a vacant lot; when Pitar was grown, he would visit his dying
Grandfather in the yet to be built Veterans Hospital.
A Woman came out to greet the Grandparents. Pitar was still
covered in melted chocolate. His siblings were given Butterfly nets
and ran past the fence, while Pitar was left alone standing very
confused as his Grandparents sped off in their big black, shinycar. As
it disappeared from sight, tears overtook Pitar, feeling all had
abandoned him. Then a woman appeared and took him by the wrist
and began to lead him inside the Orphanage.
“Stop” Pitar commanded, “I want to go home.” “This is your home
now Pitar,” the woman said tersely. “No it's not!” exclaimed the little
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Pitar, “I want to go with my Brothers and Sisters.”
The woman increasing her tone said, “Look Kid, your Brothers
and Sisters will be back. You are not old enough to go off grounds
with them.” Pitar took his little foot and kicked the Matron and began
to run; right out into traffic, right out into the veryTrolley tracks Pitar
had seen when he had lost his Bear. This time however, Pitar would
not feel the reassurance of his giant Father's footsteps. Instead, Pitar
was grabbed by the arm, as the Matron dragged him up the stairs to
the dark and scary Orphanage.
This was the beginning of a new horror for Pitar. This was the
beginning of four years of physical torture, psychological torture,
violence, being locked in his room, and unrelenting, isolated fear.
This was the year, the very day, the exact moment, when Pitar
became an elective mute. It would not be long; arriving at his first
Foster Home that Pitar wished to be back at the Orphanage, being
slapped, hit, yelled at, and even trampled on a lonely, sad, Christmas
day. He would survive though; eventuallyknowing love; but only the
memory of his near death experience would shelter him for what was
to come. However, there would be no compassion for Pitar.
Pitar didn't remember leaving the Orphanage. Neither did he
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remember arriving at his first Foster home. Pitar's memory had
remained intact and he realized he was in command of his thoughts
and feelings. How Pitar remembered was visual. He was only four
years old now. His new home was dark, with an awful smell that
made it hard to breathe. His first memory was Devon. His Brother
was there and while Pitar was to stay, Devon would not.
Only one memory gave momentary comfort to him. Devon had
taken him for a walk along the railroad tracks. Devon was seven years
his senior. Pitar did not remember what he said but it was the last
time he would see Devon, for many years, and for a long time Pitar
would not again, see the outside world.
Devon was taken away and Pitar would learn later in life his
Grandparents had taken Devon. Pitar was now alone. He was not
allowed to leave his room and Pitar felt fortunate for this. Otherwise,
the man would often strike Pitar, and for no apparent reason. Pitar's
memory was visual. If it moved Pitar could remember it. It wasn't a
photographic memory like looking at a page and taking a snapshot.
Pitar's memory was always a moving memory, like a video. Many
days Pitar sat on a small chair, he had perched atop his bed so he
could look outside the window. It was then he would reflect his near
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death experience and wonder about the sky, the Woman, and trying
to touch her, only to remember with great sadness; being taken away
to the Orphanage.
Later in life when Pitar learned to read, he would recall seeing the
Man's hand striking him. He rememberedbecauseof the ring the Man
wore. It was silver with a blue stone. It had the letters USN and an
anchor. It had left a permanent scar to the side of Pitar's eye.
Pitar was often frozen with fear. He was never attended to. He
was never cleaned, or groomed, or bathed. He was on two occasions
brought from the house. Once during a rain storm he heard the
Woman say, “Take the filthy little brat outside and maybe the rain
will wash him.” Pitar was dragged by the arm to the backyard. Left to
stand not knowing what to do. Alone Pitar stood behind the house
were there was a fence on either side, and a high and rocky hill
behind him. Pitar stood motionless as the sky grew dark and it began
to pour. Suddenly a snake appeared; it was large compared to little
Pitar and since he had never seen one; he was not afraid.
Without warning the Man came rushing out of the house with a
shovel. A spade actually, and he seemed to be quite satisfied when he
struck the snake with the spade killing it, as the shovel was thrust
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downward, severing the snake's head.
Needless to say Pitar was used to shock; as the Man said “ Come
brat; your clean enough.” Pitar didn't move. “Did you hear me?” The
Man bellowed. “Go inside the house!”
Pitar didn't move, torn between fright and compassion for the
reptile's fate. The man grabbed Pitar bythe scruff of the neck; striking
him aside his face, dragging him motionless, and shoving Pitar into
his room paralyzed with fear.
Another time Pitar needed to be bathed was when the Man and the
Woman took him out across the street to a lake. The man was telling
Pitar he needed to learn how to swim. Laughing, the man took Pitar
out into the water until it reached the man's neck. Holding the little
boy above the water, and stretching his arms, the man said, “Go
ahead Pitar it's time to learn how to swim,” as he threw Pitar out into
the water. Flailing and fighting for his life, slowly sinking, unable to
even tread water, and nearly drowning, the Man swam out to Pitar
and brought him back to shore. All Pitar remembered was the
laughter, and the gagging and gasping for air.
As time went by things got worse. As Summer faded into Autumn
Pitar was at the kitchen table. Pitar often became sick from the food.
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He learned to chew the food and store it in his cheeks and then go to
the bathroom where he would spit it out and return to repeat the
process.Onedayin particulartwo small children appearedat the back
door. One little girl said, “Can we meet the new boy?” “No”, the
Woman said, “he is not allowed outside.” The woman rushed Pitar
from the table, grateful not having to finish his meal, and she returned
him to his room.
His room was often where the screaming, beating, and humiliation
took place. Pitar was not allowed out of his room and was often
incontinent. When the Foster parents discovered it; they would begin
striking him yelling, “You dirty little filthy brat.” Yelling it over and
over while striking little Pitar, across his face and head.
One dayPitar almost broke his silence, and with rage filling within
him, he was about to speak. As if the woman knew; she struck Pitar
across the face and yelled, “You dirty filthy little brat , don't you dare
talk back to me.” She left the room slamming the door. Pitar quietly
placed his chair upon the bed and resumed his ever so brief, moment
of peace, looking out the window, and wondering about the sky.
Nighttime wastheworseforPitar. He was oftenincontinentduring
sleep. He would awake to faces rushing at him; as the blows against
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his face, head, and back fell with the weight of an iron fist. For many
years later; Pitar had trouble falling asleep. It took more than twenty
years for those faces to go away. When he began to drift into a restful
sleep the faces would appear and rush toward him. He would awake
and be greatly startled, and afraid even as an Adult, to go back to
sleep. Many years later he learned how to get rid of them. One night
when he was about twenty seven years old; the faces appeared; and he
took that long time rage and confronted the faces with it, and they
shattered like glass, never to return.
One thing Pitar did to protect himself was to scream when he was
to kick, and scream while being beaten. He was to learn later in life
that the reason another man came to take him to a new home was that
“the neighbors reported the many incidents to the authorities because,
they “grew tired of hearing little Pitar scream.
It was spring now and Pitar was more than five years old when a
Mr. Edwards came to the house. Mr. Edwards took him outside and
Pitar shielded his eyes from the light. The light hurt but as his vision
adjusted; Pitar saw for the first time; a vast waterway. A large building
across the bay bellowing smoke from a huge building, adorned with
smokestacks; decorated with white and blue stripes. He stood in the
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middle of a playground; and he had no idea what it was. He just stood
motionless; staring up at the sky. For it was the sky that Pitar was most
familiar with; and he wondered; where it would have led to if he had
just let it take him so long ago.
Pitar didn't remember all that Mr. Edwards said, but when Mr.
Edwards said “Do you want to go away from this place?” Pitar still an
elective mute, cried and fell into the arms of his new friend, a social
worker. Mr. Edwards repeated his words, “Do you want to leave
here?” All Pitar could do was shake his head, slowly up and down, as
he continued to sob uncontrollably. Soon Pitar was in Mr. Edwards
car, driving away from the violence and the horror. He was fascinated
with how big the world was. Then Pitar felt exhausted and falling
forward into a blissful sleep, for once not being tormented by the
faces, Mr. Edwards gently motioned him to toward him. Pitar felt safe
and soundly fell to sleep in Mr. Edward's lap.
Later in life Pitar was to learn of Poetic Justice. When he was an
Adult he traced back his life. He had found that the man who struck
him so often had put in a swimming pool, in the ver back yard, where
he had seen the snake killed. Pitar had learned about alcoholism too.
Clearly the man, with the navy ring, was an alcoholic. Pitar had
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learned that one day, the man was drunk enjoying his new pool, when
he stumbled due to his debauchery, hit his head on the concrete, and
drowned in his own pool. Pitar was not happy; he felt compassion, as
he did for the snake, and the woman he touched to soothe her grief,
and it seemed like a life time ago.
Pitar's new home was far away, from the grim and dark room he
was imprisoned in and kept from the outside world. Now however, his
world was going to get better; but just a little better. There were
nightmares to live, compassion to find, there was fun to be had, but
unfortunately, violence would still accompany his personal and
spiritual growth.
The first memories of Pitar's new home was that there was a lot of
light. There would be a gentle woman; an occasional male figure; and
a girl near his own age. He was always going to be clean; well dressed,
and well fed. Pitar was going to have some happymemories but not all
were going to be happy. Pitar's memories were and would always
remain; visual and only remain if they were moving. He was still an
elective mute which caused some consternation with his new Foster
Father and Foster Sister; but not his Foster Mother. They were going
to have a deep bond; one of great compassion.
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Pitar felt safe for a while. His Foster Sister Sharon was a soured and
bitter child, for which Pitar had great empathy for, as well as
compassion. Later on Pitar would learn that Sharon would be worse
than an Imp which delights in the troubles of human affairs. Sharon
was actually an instigator and Pitar was soon to learn, he had no
defense for the constant blame, that would bring the violent anger, and
the weight of his Foster Father's back hand to bare on Pitar's person.
With a sinister glare in Sharon's eye; one day she asked if Pitar
would like to play Barber. Pitar not knowing what a Barber was, but
eager to play and placate the troublemaker, Pitar agreed. Suddenly
Sharon produced a pair of pointed scissors, of stainless steel glistening
in the Summers brightness. While Pitar sat submissively, Sharon
stabbed little Pitar in the forehead, and at the hairline, snipped not only
hair but his scalp as well. Blood shot out like an Elephant trumpeting
water.Pitarfellbackward;faintfromblood loss, rememberingonlyhis
Foster Mother lifting him and he remembered seeing as before, the
bright, Summer's light, only to grow dark.
Why did the world want to hurt Pitar so much and so often? It
seemed he always made poor choices. Understanding without
knowledgeitappeared,theconsistent consequencesweresomehowhis
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fault. He knew what he liked and what he was comfortable with. Pitar
liked the two girls that lived next door and would come to play with
him. They were not like Sharon and even avoided her. Sharon too
avoided them; always with a dark stare; Sharon would glare at the
three of them in the backyard through the widows of the green house.
One evening; his Foster Father came home and Pitar saw Sharon
talking with her Father as she stared menacingly at Pitar, from the
corner of her eye. His Foster Mother began bickering with Pitar's
Foster Father and although Pitar knew the result of drinking alcohol,
he did not know it as being drunk. Pitar's Foster Father commanded
Sharon to take a bath. She complied and the Parents continued to get
louder and louder. Pitar sat on his bed afraid, almost knowing he
would be the brunt of the little and the larger brute's anger.
Pitar's Foster Father burst into the room yelling, “So you like girls,
you like to play with girls, well maybe you should be a girl and started
to rip Pitar's clothes from his body, as his Foster Father held him up.
With a furious anger he carried little Pitar to the bathroom where
Sharon was bathing. He slammed Pitar into the water face to face with
Sharon. Sharonwas laughing as Pitar's Foster Father returnedwith one
of Sharon's hat's and began tying it to Pitar yelling; “Well if you want
to play with girls then you should dress like them.” Pitar yelled and
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screamed, to no avail; all the while noticing the satisfaction and
grimace of Sharon. Pitar's Foster Mother was screaming, “Stop it
Frank; stop it, your being crazy; get out, and with each time she yelled
get out; her voice climbed until it cracked.
Pitar's Foster Mother took Pitar up into her arms and wrapped the
crying Pitar into a soft white towel. She brought him to his bedroom,
dried him off and put on his pajamas. Silently she tucked him in and
said “I'm sorry Pitar, Frank has a problem and I know you don't
understand; but please try to forget it and I'll try to make sure it won't
happen again.”
Pitar stayed awake; he couldn't help it. His Foster parents were
loudly arguing in the nearbyParlor. Pitar heard slapping noise; and his
Foster Mother screaming and crying and things being broken. Then
there was silence. Pitar stayed awake; he couldn't help it. If he had the
chance to fall asleep; the faces would rush at him and he would
awaken with a fright and a heart beating so fast, his chest hurt.
Pitar learned to love his new Mother. She took him every Sunday
to church. Then afterward; there was plenty of pleasant people; there
were snacks, and drinks, and many things that Pitar showed great
interest in. Pitar never spoke and his Foster Mother was never heard
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to make excuses for him.
Pitar's Foster Mother taught Sunday School. She often read from a
big black book. Pitar was always on her lap as she read. Unknowingly
to Pitar's Foster Mother; Pitar began to learn how to read. Later, and
just a couple of years; by the first grade Pitar could read so well he
would show off and read everything. He could even read Adult books
at the Library; which were quickly taken from him. For now however,
some events would lead to great sadnessand compassion for his Foster
Mother.
Pitar didn't go to Kindergarten because he didn't speak. So he spent
all of his days alone with his Foster Mother. He always remembered
during the afternoons she would drink the same thing that his Foster
Father drank, which made him angry. It didn't make his Foster Mother
angry though. Often his Foster Mother would put on music. Pitar
always remembered the music because his Foster Mother would dance
with him in the sun lit parlor in the afternoons. He remembered a
soothing voice singing, “Everybody loves somebody sometimes...,”
while the rest was a blur, the melody remained.
One dayduringthis veryhappytime the Foster Father unexpectedly
showed up. He was in a rage yelling, “Your drunk and dancing with
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that little fairy?” Then he took the back of his hand and struck his
Foster Mother as she fell down crying. “What the F.... is wrong with
you?” Pitar stood in horror and was sent to his room as he continued
to hear slapping and crying, and yelling - and words he did not
understand.
Another day a boy his own age moved into the house across the
street. His name was Scott. Scott was strong in his manner but gentle
with Pitar, as if he knew Pitar was wounded. Scott and Pitar had many
adventures. Scott went to church at the same time, took long walks
with Pitar, and even took him to a friends house where Pitar enjoyed
his first swim in a pool. Scott took him around the neighborhood, and
on Halloween even, helped Pitar avoid Sharon and stay away from
home as much as possible.
One adventure required Scott and Pitar to make a promise of
bravery and secrecy. Pitar and Scott were going to go the end of the
street were the woods were; and see how far it went. So they headed
off on a brisk and blustery Autumn day. To their surprise it didn't take
long for them reach the other side. As the trees gave way; they saw a
cemetery. Pitar knew what it was because of the big black book his
Foster Mother read from every Sunday. This was a special day.
23

Scott knew Pitar did not speak but never asked why or tried to get
Pitar to speak. On this day however, a little magic happened. It was a
cloudy day with rays of light streaming from the clouds. Gently the
clouds parted and a ray of light shown down on a headstone. Pitar
looked to Scott who was amazed that Pitar was going to speak. Pitar
said, “That's the light from Heaven. The Soul of the body that has died
and is buried; will follow that light to Heaven. That's what happened
to me a long time ago but I didn't let the light take me. My Mother was
crying because I was dying. So I reached out to touch her and when I
did, the light went away.” Pitar and Scott returned home and nothing
else was said.
Pitar entered the back door to witness his Foster Father beating his
Foster Mother. He was very afraid and still, he summoned the courage
to yell “Stop it” with all little Pitar could muster. “So the little fairy
can speak after all,” said the Foster Father and grabbed Pitar by the
front of his coat about to backhand Pitar, while he was still on the
stairs.His FosterMothergrabbedhis FosterFather's arm,stoppinghim
and saying “if you touch him I will kill you!” Pitar went back to being
a mute; frightened to death. “You get rid of this kid or else,” Pitar's
Foster Father said sternly with a menacing look.
24

The next morning Pitar awoke to a quiet house and found some
brown paper grocery bags in the kitchen. He quietly packed his
clothing and toys; three bags in all and started down the three steps to
the back door. His Foster Mother was watching from the kitchen table
and asked, “Where are you going little one?” Pitar couldn't speak but
he understood that he was too small to stop the man from hurting his
Foster Mother, and out of compassion and perhaps guilt, without even
knowing what the word meant, Pitar was willing to leave. His Foster
Mother said, “Where are you going?”
Pitar had no reply, he just struggled with his bags. “Don't leave
Pitar, you are too young to run away and where would you go?” Pitar
managed to hold onto his bags and as he grasped the handle, pushing
the button, and pulling it toward him, a bag burst open. Pitar cried, as
his Foster Mother rushed toward him lifting him up and hugging him.
Crying along with him, his Foster Mother said, “Don't go Pitar, we'll
be okay.” Theyweren't going to be okay, becausethe Foster Father had
been looking too; and in a rage kicked and threw Pitar's belongings
and banished him to his room, grabbing his Foster Mother by the hair.
Pitar sat speechless upon his bed. From the other room he heard,
“Clara, I want to you to call that F'g Social Worker and get rid of that
25

little Retard. I am so F'g tired of finding you two playing F'g house.
I mean it, God damn it; if you don't get rid of that little kid, I'm going
to take Sharon and you will never see us again, EVER” he screamed
as the front door to the house slammed, shaking the walls.
Pitar heard nothing but the quiet sobbing of the Foster Mother he had
thegreatestcompassionfor.Heexited his bedroomandwalkedtoward
his Foster Mother as she lifted her face to meet his. Pitar gently placed
his hand on her knee and said quietly, “It's okay.” At which point Clara
lifted the not so little Pitar up into her lap and sobbed into his loving
compassionate embrace.
Soon Mr. Edwards appeared. Clara was not to be seen. Sharon
stood abreast from her Father looking quite satisfied with her arms
folded against her chest. The Foster Father spoke with the Social
Worker, signed some papers, and soon, Pitar and Mr. Edwards, were
speeding off to Pitar's next home.
Things were different here. Pitar was supposed to go for a visit but
things went so well that Mr. Edwards said Pitar could stay overnight.
Mr. Edwards said he would call every day and even if Pitar didn't
speak; Mr. Edwards would speak to him. Pitar had to promise to
practice saying yes or no.
26

During the first week Pitar felt at home. Pitar felt it was going to be
okay. Every day Mr. Edwards called and asked, “Are you alright?”
“Yes!” said Pitar. “Are you happy?” “Yes!” again said Pitar. Over the
days, Mr. Edward's phone calls turned into weekly phone calls. Pitar
was already calling his new Foster Mother Ma. She had bought him a
big blue and yellow dump truck. He had two Brothers; Seth and
Edmund. Seth was three years old and Edmund was two. He had a
Sister too; Rachael. She was just a baby. Pitar was much older than
them all, and was happy being their big Brother.
Pitar's new Foster Father was Dad. Dad worked a lot but when he
was home he did not drink that stuff that made people act funny or
violent. Ma always fed Pitar supper first and then Dad. Dad liked a
hamburger, with lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise, on his plate, and coffee.
Sometimes Dad had to work at night and Ma would let Pitar stay up
late. Pitar used to pretend to be asleep in her lap; learning about adults
through the television. There was “Adult Theater,” “The Twilight
Zone,” and in the afternoon Pitar was always fascinated by the
graphics that appeared before the “Edge of Night.” Although to be
honest, Pitar didn't care much for the content.
Pitar was very happy. He had the cellar of the house all to his own
27

except the scaryfurnaceand the washerand dryer. At Christmas he got
a chemistryset. He had started school because he was talking; but later
learned he started a year late. That was okaybecause he was older than
his classmates. He built models in the cellar on Winter days and was
most proud of his Jesse James, Dracula, and Wolfman.
Across from his house was a stretch of woods. Through the woods
was a dirt road and another small stretch of woods and another
neighborhood. Following the dirt road; between the two stretch of tall
pine trees; always smelling of shed pine needles, would lead you to a
small store. Ma walked their many times with Pitar. So one day; his
Mother asked Pitar if he thought he was responsible enough to take the
dirt road and go to the store for her. Pitar thought that was great!
When Pitar took off he was so very happy. All had nearly been
forgotten except the faces that startled him when falling asleep. He
was too happy though and did not want to tell anyone. As he walked
the dirt road; it was like he had never been alive. He could smell the
dirt, the Pine needles, and even the birds seemed to welcome him. He
would try to imitate their whistles, he would wave, and say “Hi bird,
do you like being in the trees?” “I like being here, I like the trees, I'm
going to the store for my Mother; all bymyself.” Pitar verymuch liked
28

the woods and always would like the woods, and all the creatures of
the forest were and would be his friends. People on the other hand;
well that's another story.
Shock awaited Pitar at the end of the road by the store. There were
four big kids throwing rocks and hitting a verysad looking, old Beagle
dog. He knew it was a Beagle because Snoopy was a Beagle his
Mother told him showing him the difference between animation and
a photograph. Pitar was so angry. He walked right in between the four
big kids and the dog, and said, “Stop it, it's wrong to hurt.” “What are
you going to do about it little punk? You 'gonna fight all of us? If we
want to throw rocks at a stupid dog we will.” “Stupid” yelled Pitar,
Maybe your stupid because you don't know it's wrong. It's wrong to
hurt things. Maybe your stupid.” “Maybe we'll throw rocks at you
instead kid; how'd ya like that? Then that would make you stupid.”
The big kids started laughing long and hard. Pitar spoke up, “Fine
throw rocks at me; you don't scare me; I”ve had worse things happen
to me than some stupid kids who got nothin' better to do than hurt an
animal that can't defend itself. “Look!” said one of the big kid, “ The
dogs so scared he can't move.” “ Why are you doing this? It's wrong
stop it,” commanded Pitar. The big kids made some gestures he had
29

never seen before and said things he had never heard before, but they
left nonetheless.
Pitar went over to the dog and knelt down. “You look so sad Mr.
Beagle. I'm sorry those kids hurt you but they're gone. They wont be
back.” Pitar gently placed his hand to the side of the Beagle's face. Its
face was sad looking with droopy eyes, and droopy ears, and a droopy
mouth. Pitar didn't know Beagles looked like that anyway. Pitar, now
on his knees, gently lifted the Beagles face gently holding the sides of
its head. Pitar looked into the Beagles eyes and kissed him gently on
the bridge of his nose. Then Pitar said, “It's okay Mr. Beagle, you're
okay now. You have no where to go but home.
30

There's No Where to Go but Home

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