5 love languages

THEFiveLOVELANGUAGES
How to ExpressHeartfelt Commitment
toYourMate

GARYCHAPMAN
NORTHFIELDPUBLISHINGCHICAG
O

©1992,1995, 2004
byGaryD.Chapman
Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybereproducedinanyform
withoutpermissioninwritingfromthepublisher,exceptinthecaseofb
riefquotationsembodiedincriticalarticlesorreviews.
Scripture quotations, unless noted otherwise, are takenfromthe
HolyBible:NewInternationalVersion®.Copyright
©1973,1978,1984,InternationalBibleSociety.Usedbypermissi
on of Zondervan Publishing House. All rightsreserved.
The use of selected references from various versions of theBible
in this publication does not necessarily
implypublisherendorsementoftheversionsintheirentirety.
ISBN:978-1-881273-15-6

OtherGreatBooksbyGaryChapman
TheFiveLoveLanguagesMen’sEditionTh
e Five Love Languages Gift EditionThe
Five Love Languages of
ChildrenTheFiveLoveLanguagesofTeen
agersThe Five Love Languages for
SinglesYourGiftofLove
ParentingYourAdultChildThe
Other Side of
LoveLovingSolutions
FiveSignsofaLovingFamilyTo
ward a Growing
MarriageHope for the
SeparatedCovenantMarriage

CONTENTS
Acknowledgments
1.WhatHappenstoLoveAftertheWedding?2.Keepi
ngtheLoveTankFull
3. FallinginLove
4. LoveLanguage#1:WordsofAffirmation5.Lo
veLanguage#2:QualityTime
6. Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts7.
Love Language #4: Acts of
Service8.LoveLanguage#5:PhysicalTouc
h
9.DiscoveringYourPrimaryLoveLanguage10.Lov
eIsaChoice
11.LoveMakestheDifference12.L
ovingtheUnlovely
13.ChildrenandLoveLanguages14.AP
ersonalWord

TheFiveLoveLanguagesProfileforHusbands

TheFiveLoveLanguagesProfileforWives

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Love begins, or should begin, at home. For me
thatmeansSamandGrace,DadandMom,whohavelovedmefor
more than fifty years. Without them I would still beseeking
love instead of writing about it. Home also meansKarolyn, to
whom I have been married for more than fortyyears. If all wives
loved as she does, fewer men would belooking over the fence.
Shelley and Derek are now out ofthe nest, exploring new
worlds, but I feel secure in
thewarmthoftheirlove.Iamblessedandgrateful.
I am indebted to a host of professionals who
haveinfluencedmy conceptsoflove. Amongthem
arepsychiatrists Ross Campbell, Judson Swihart, and
ScottPeck. For editorial assistance, I am indebted to
DebbieBarr and Cathy Peterson. The technical expertise of
TriciaKube and Don Schmidt made it possible to
meetpublication deadlines. Last, and most important, I want
toexpress my gratitude to the hundreds of couples who, overthe
past thirty years, have shared the intimate side of
theirliveswithme.Thisbookisatributetotheirhonesty.

WHATHAPPENSTOLOVEAFTERTHEWEDDING?
At30,000feet,somewherebetweenBuffaloandDallas, he put his
magazine in his seat pocket, turned in
mydirection,andasked,“Whatkindofworkdoyoudo?”
“I
domarriagecounselingandleadmarriageenrichmentseminars,”
Isaidmatter-of-factly.
“I’ve been wanting to ask someone this for a
longtime,” he said. “What happens to the love after you
getmarried?”
Relinquishing my hopes of getting a nap, I
asked,“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Well,” he said, “I’ve been married three times, andeach
time, it was wonderful before we got married, butsomehow
after the wedding it all fell apart. All the love Ithought I had
for her and the love she seemed to have forme evaporated. I am
a fairly intelligent person. I operate
asuccessfulbusiness,butIdon’tunderstandit.”
“Howlongwereyoumarried?”Iasked.
“The first one lasted about ten years. The second
time,weweremarriedthreeyears,andthelastone,almostsixyears.”
“Didyourloveevaporateimmediatelyafterthe

wedding,orwasitagradualloss?”Iinquired.
“Well, the second one went wrong from the
verybeginning. I don’t know what happened. I really thought
weloved each other, but the honeymoon was a disaster,
andweneverrecovered.Weonlydatedsixmonths.Itwasawhirlwi
nd romance. It was really exciting! But after
themarriage,itwasabattlefromthebeginning.
“In my first marriage, we had three or four good
yearsbefore the baby came. After the baby was born, I felt
likeshegaveherattentiontothebabyandInolongermattered.Itwasasif
heronegoalinlifewastohaveababy,andafterthebaby,shenolongerne
ededme.”
“Didyoutellherthat?”Iasked.
“Oh,yes,Itoldher.ShesaidIwascrazy.ShesaidIdidnot
understand the stress of being a twenty-four-hour nurse.She said I
should be more understanding and help hermore. I really
tried, but it didn’t seem to make anydifference. After that,
we just grew further apart. After awhile, there was no love
left, just deadness. Both of usagreedthatthemarriagewasover.
“My last marriage? I really thought that one would
bedifferent. I had been divorced for three years. We
datedeach other for two years. I really thought we knew what
wewere doing, and I thought that perhaps for the first time
Ireally knew what it meant to love someone. I genuinely
feltthatshelovedme.
“After the wedding, I don’t think I changed. I
continuedtoexpresslovetoherasIhadbeforemarriage.Itoldher

howbeautifulshewas.ItoldherhowmuchIlovedher.Itoldher how
proud I was to be her husband. But a few monthsafter marriage,
she started complaining; about petty thingsat first—like my not
taking the garbage out or not hangingup my clothes. Later, she
went to attacking my
character,tellingmeshedidn’tfeelshecouldtrustme,accusingmeofn
ot being faithful to her. She became a totally
negativeperson.Beforemarriage,shewasnevernegative.Shewason
eofthemostpositivepeopleIhaveevermet.Thatisoneof the things
that attracted me to her. She nevercomplained about
anything. Everything I did was wonderful,but once we were
married, it seemed I could do
nothingright.Ihonestlydon’tknowwhathappened.Eventually,Ilost
my love for her and began to resent her. She obviously
hadnoloveforme.Weagreedtherewasnobenefittoourlivingtogether
anylonger,sowesplit.
“That was a year ago. So my question is,
Whathappens to love after the wedding? Is my
experiencecommon? Is that why we have so many divorces
in ourcountry? I can’t believe that it happened to me three
times.And those who don’t divorce, do they learn to live with
theemptiness, or does love really stay alive in
somemarriages?Ifso,how?”
Thequestionsmyfriendseatedin5Awasaskingarethe
questionsthatthousandsofmarriedanddivorcedpersons

are asking today. Some are asking friends, some areasking
counselors and clergy, and some are askingthemselves.
Sometimes the answers are couched
inpsychologicalresearchjargonthatisalmostincomprehensibl
e. Sometimes they are couched in
humorandfolklore.Mostofthejokesandpithysayingscontainsom
e truth, but they are like offering an aspirin to a
personwithcancer.
The desire for romantic love in marriage is deeplyrooted
in our psychological makeup. Almost every
popularmagazinehasatleastonearticleeachissueonkeepinglove
alive in a marriage. Books abound on the subject.Television
and radio talk shows deal with it. Keeping
lovealiveinourmarriagesisseriousbusiness.
With all the books, magazines, and practical
helpavailable, why is it that so few couples seem to have
foundthesecrettokeepinglovealiveafterthewedding?Whyisitthat a
couple can attend a communication workshop, hearwonderful
ideas on how to enhance communication, returnhome, and find
themselves totally unable to implement thecommunication
patterns demonstrated? How is it that weread a magazine
article on “101 Ways to Express Love toYour Spouse,” select
two or three ways that seemespecially good to us, try them,
and our spouse doesn’teven acknowledge our effort? We give
up on the other 98waysandgobacktolifeasusual.
How to increase my relationship with my spouse

We must be willing to learn our spouse’s primary
lovelanguageifwearetobeeffectivecommunicatorsoflove.
Theanswertothosequestionsisthepurposeofthis book. It is not
that the books and articles already
publishedarenothelpful.Theproblemisthatwehaveoverlookedonefu
ndamentaltruth:Peoplespeakdifferentlovelanguages.
In the area of linguistics, there are major
languagegroups:Japanese,Chinese,Spanish,English,Portuguese,
Greek, German, French, and so on. Most of us grow
uplearning the language of our parents and siblings,
whichbecomes our primary or native tongue. Later, we may
learnadditional languages but usually with much more
effort.These become our secondary languages. We speak
andunderstand best our native language. We feel
mostcomfortablespeakingthatlanguage.Themoreweuseasecon
dary language, the more comfortable we becomeconversing in
it. If we speak only our primary language andencounter
someone else who speaks only his or herprimary language,
which is different from ours,
ourcommunicationwillbelimited.We
mustrelyonpointing,grunting, drawing pictures, or acting out
our ideas. We cancommunicate, but it is awkward. Language
differences arepart and parcel of human culture. If we are to
communicateeffectively across cultural lines, we must learn the
languageofthosewithwhomwewishtocommunicate.

In the area of love, it is similar. Your emotional
lovelanguage and the language of your spouse may be
asdifferent as Chinese from English. No matter how hard youtry
to express love in English, if your spouse understandsonly
Chinese, you will never understand how to love eachother. My
friend on the plane was speaking the language of“Affirming
Words” to his third wife when he said, “I told herhow beautiful
she was. I told her I loved her. I told her
howproudIwastobeherhusband.”Hewasspeakinglove,andhewassi
ncere,butshedidnotunderstandhislanguage.Perhaps she was
looking for love in his behavior and didn’tsee it. Being sincere is
not enough. We must be willing
tolearnourspouse’sprimarylove language
ifwearetobeeffectivecommunicatorsoflove.
Myconclusionafterthirtyyearsofmarriagecounselingis
thattherearebasicallyfiveemotionallovelanguages—
fivewaysthatpeoplespeakandunderstandemotionallove.Inthefield
oflinguisticsalanguagemayhavenumerousdialectsorvariations
.Similarly,withinthefivebasicemotional
lovelanguages,therearemanydialects.Thataccountsforthemagaz
inearticlestitled“10WaystoLetYourSpouseKnowYouLoveHer,”“
20WaystoKeepYourManatHome,”or“365
ExpressionsofMaritalLove.”Thereare not 10, 20, or 365 basic
love languages. In my
opinion,thereareonlyfive.However,theremaybenumerous

dialects. The number of ways to express love within a
lovelanguage is limited only by one’s imagination.
Theimportant thing is to speak the love language of
yourspouse.
Wehavelongknownthatinearlychildhooddevelopmente
achchilddevelopsuniqueemotionalpatterns. Some children, for
example, develop a pattern oflow self-esteem whereas others
have healthy self-esteem.Some develop emotional patterns of
insecurity whereasothers grow up feeling secure. Some
children grow upfeeling loved, wanted, and appreciated, yet
others grow upfeelingunloved,unwanted,andunappreciated.
The children who feel loved by their parents and peerswill
develop a primary emotional love language based ontheir
unique psychological makeup and the way theirparents and
other significant persons expressed love tothem. They will
speak and understand one primary lovelanguage. They may
later learn a secondary love
language,buttheywillalwaysfeelmostcomfortablewiththeirprimary
language. Children who do not feel loved by their parentsand
peers will also develop a primary love language.However, it
will be somewhat distorted in much the sameway as some
children may learn poor grammar and havean underdeveloped
vocabulary. That poor programmingdoes not mean they cannot
become good communicators.But it does mean they will have to
work at it more diligentlythan those who had a more positive
model. Likewise,children whogrowupwith an
underdevelopedsenseof

emotional love can also come to feel loved and
tocommunicate love, but they will have to work at it
morediligently than those who grew up in a healthy,
lovingatmosphere.
Seldomdoahusbandandwifehavethesameprimaryemotional
love language. We tend to speak our primarylove language,
and we become confused when our spousedoes not understand
what we are communicating. We areexpressing our love, but
the message does not comethrough because we are speaking
what, to them, is aforeign language. Therein lies the
fundamental problem,and it is the purpose of this book to offer
a solution. That
iswhyIdaretowriteanotherbookonlove.Oncewediscoverthe five
basic love languages and understand our ownprimary love
language, as well as the primary lovelanguage of our
spouse, we will then have the
neededinformationtoapplytheideasinthebooksandarticles.
Onceyouidentifyandlearntospeakyourspouse’s primary love
language, I believe that you will havediscovered the key to a
long-lasting, loving marriage. Loveneed not evaporate after the
wedding, but in order to keepit alive most of us will have to put
forth the effort to learn asecondary love language. We cannot
rely on our nativetongue if our spouse does not understand it.
If we wanthim/herto feelthe love we are trying
tocommunicate,we

mustexpressitinhisorherprimarylovelanguage.

KEEPINGTHELOVETANKFULL
LoveisthemostimportantwordintheEnglishlanguage
—and the most confusing. Both secular and religiousthinkers
agree that love plays a central role in life. We aretold that “love
is a many-splendored thing” and that “lovemakesthe
worldgoround.”Thousandsofbooks,songs,magazines, and
movies are peppered with the word.Numerous philosophical
and theological systems havemade a prominent place for love.
And the founder of theChristian faith wanted love to be the
distinguishingcharacteristicofHisfollowers.1
Psychologists have concluded that the need to feelloved
is a primary human emotional need. For love, we willclimb
mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands, andendure untold
hardships. Without love, mountains becomeunclimbable, seas
uncrossable, deserts unbearable, andhardships our plight in
life. The Christian apostle to theGentiles, Paul, exalted love
when he indicated that
allhumanaccomplishmentsthatarenotmotivatedbyloveare,inthe
end,empty.He concluded
thatinthelastsceneofthehumandrama,onlythreecharacterswillremai
n:“faith,hope

andlove.Butthegreatestoftheseislove.”2
If we can agree that the word love permeates
humansociety, both historically and in the present, we must
alsoagree that it is a most confusing word. We use it in
athousand ways. We say, “I love hot dogs,” and in the
nextbreath, “I love my mother.” We speak of loving
activities:swimming, skiing, hunting. We love objects: food,
cars,houses. We love animals: dogs, cats, even pet snails.
Welove nature: trees, grass, flowers, and weather. We
lovepeople: mother, father, son, daughter, parents,
wives,husbands,friends.Weevenfallinlovewithlove.
Ifallthatisnotconfusing enough,we also use thewordlove to
explain behavior. “I did it because I love her.” Thatexplanation
is given for all kinds of actions. A man isinvolved in an
adulterous relationship, and he calls it love.The preacher, on the
other hand, calls it sin. The wife of analcoholic picks up the
pieces after her husband’s latestepisode. She calls it love, but
the psychologist calls itcodependency. The parent indulges all
the child’s
wishes,callingitlove.Thefamilytherapistwouldcallitirresponsiblep
arenting.Whatislovingbehavior?
Thepurposeofthisbookisnottoeliminateallconfusion surrounding
the word love, but to focus on that kind of
lovethatisessentialtoouremotionalhealth.Childpsychologists
affirmthateverychildhascertainbasic

How to increase your relationship with your spouse do
you want to learn this special method than click here

emotionalneedsthatmustbe metifhe istobe emotionallystable.
Among those emotional needs, none is more basicthan the need
for love and affection, the need to sense thathe or she belongs and
is wanted. With an adequate supplyof affection, the child will
likely develop into a responsibleadult. Without that love, he or
she will be emotionally andsociallyretarded.
I liked the metaphor the first time I heard it:
“Insideeverychildisan‘emotionaltank’waitingtobefilledwithlo
ve. When a child really feels loved, he will
developnormally but when the love tank is empty, the child
willmisbehave. Much of the misbehavior of children
ismotivatedbythecravingsofanempty‘lovetank.’”Iwaslistenin
g to Dr. Ross Campbell, a psychiatrist
whospecializesinthetreatmentofchildrenandadolescents.
As I listened, I thought of the hundreds of parents whohad
paraded the misdeeds of their children through myoffice. I
had never visualized an empty love tank
insidethosechildren,butIhadcertainlyseentheresultsofit.Theirmisb
ehavior was a misguided search for the love they
didnotfeel.Theywereseeking
loveinallthewrongplacesandinallthewrongways.
I remember Ashley, who at thirteen years of age wasbeing
treated for a sexually transmitted disease. Herparents were
crushed. They were angry with Ashley. Theywere upset with the
school, which they blamed for
teachingheraboutsex.“Whywouldshedothis?”theyasked.

At the heart of mankind’s existence is the desire to
beintimateandtobelovedbyanother.Marriageisdesignedto
meetthatneedforintimacyandlove.
In my conversation with Ashley, she told me of
herparents’ divorce when she was six years old. “I thought
myfather left because he didn’t love me,” she said. “When
mymother remarried when I was ten, I felt she now
hadsomeone to love her, but I still had no one to love me.
Iwanted so much to be loved. I met this boy at school. Hewas
older than me, but he liked me. I couldn’t believe it. Hewas kind
to me, and in a while I really felt he loved me.
Ididn’twanttohavesex,butIwantedtobeloved.”
Ashley’s “love tank” had been empty for many years.Her
mother and stepfather had provided for her physicalneeds but
had not realized the deep emotional struggleraging inside her.
They certainly loved Ashley, and
theythoughtthatshefelttheirlove.Notuntilitwasalmosttoolate
did they discover that they were not speaking
Ashley’sprimarylovelanguage.
Theemotionalneedforlove,however,isnotsimplya
childhoodphenomenon.Thatneedfollowsusintoadulthood
and into marriage. The “in love”
experiencetemporarilymeetsthat need,

butitisinevitablya“quickfix”

and, as we shall learn later, has a limited and predictablelife
span. After we come down from the high of the “in
love”obsession,theemotionalneedforloveresurfacesbecauseit is
fundamental to our nature. It is at the center of ouremotional
desires. We needed love before we “fell in
love,”andwewillneeditaslongaswelive.
The need to feel loved by one’s spouse is at the heartof
marital desires. A man said to me recently, “What goodis the
house, the cars, the place at the beach, or any of therest of it if
your wife doesn’t love you?” Do you
understandwhathewasreallysaying?“Morethananything,Iwanttobe
loved by my wife.” Material things are no replacement
forhuman, emotional love. A wife says, “He ignores me all
daylongandthenwantstojumpinbedwithme.Ihateit.”Sheisnot a
wife who hates sex; she is a wife
desperatelypleadingforemotionallove.
Something in our nature cries out to be loved
byanother. Isolation is devastating to the human psyche. Thatis
why solitary confinement is considered the cruelest
ofpunishments. At the heart of mankind’s existence is
thedesire to be intimate and to be loved by another. Marriageis
designedtomeetthatneed forintimacyand love.Thatiswhy the
ancient biblical writings spoke of the husband andwife
becoming “one flesh.” That did not mean thatindividuals
would lose their identity; it meant that they wouldenterinto
eachother’slivesina deep and intimate way.The New
Testament writers challenged both the husbandand the wife to
love eachother.FromPlato to Peck,writers

haveemphasizedtheimportanceofloveinmarriage.
But, if love is important, it is also elusive. I
havelistened to many married couples share their secret
pain.Some came to me because the inner ache had
becomeunbearable. Others came because they realized that
theirbehaviorpatternsorthemisbehavioroftheirspousewasdestro
ying the marriage. Some came simply to inform methat they no
longer wanted to be married. Their dreams
of“livinghappilyeverafter”hadbeendashedagainstthehardwalls of
reality. Again and again I have heard the
words“Ourloveisgone,ourrelationshipisdead.Weusedtofeelclose,
but not now. We no longer enjoy being with eachother. We
don’t meet each other’s needs.” Their
storiesbeartestimonythatadultsas wellaschildrenhave
“lovetanks.”
Could it be that deep inside hurting couples exists
aninvisible “emotional love tank” with its gauge on
empty?Could the misbehavior, withdrawal, harsh words,
andcritical spirit occur because of that empty tank? If we
couldfind a way to fill it, could the marriage be reborn? With a
fulltank would couples be able to create an emotional
climatewhere it is possible to discuss differences and
resolveconflicts? Could that tank be the key that makes
marriagework?
Thosequestionssentmeonalongjourney.Alongthe

How to increase your relationship with your spouse
do you want to learn this special method than click
here

way, I discoveredthesimpleyet powerful insightscontained
in this book. The journey has taken me not onlythrough thirty
years of marriage counseling but into thehearts and minds of
hundreds of couples throughoutAmerica. From Seattle to
Miami, couples have invited meinto the inner chamber of
their marriages, and we havetalked openly. The illustrations
included in this book are cutfrom the fabric of real life. Only
names and places arechanged to protect the privacy of the
individuals who havespokensofreely.
Iamconvincedthatkeepingtheemotionallovetankfullis as
important to a marriage as maintaining the proper oillevel is to
an automobile. Running your marriage on
anempty“lovetank”maycostyouevenmorethantryingtodrive
your car without oil. What you are about to read hasthe
potential of saving thousands of marriages and caneven
enhance the emotional climate of a good
marriage.Whateverthe
qualityofyourmarriagenow,itcanalwaysbebetter.
WARNING: Understanding the five love languages
andlearning to speak the primary love language of your
spousemay radically affect his or her behavior. People
behavedifferentlywhentheiremotionallovetanksarefull.
Beforeweexaminethefivelovelanguages,however,we
mustaddressoneotherimportantbutconfusing

phenomenon:theeuphoricexperienceof“fallinginlove.”
NOTES
1.John13:35.
2.1Corinthians13:13.

FALLINGINLOVE
Sheshowedupatmyofficewithoutanappointmentand asked my
secretary if she could see me for five minutes. Ihad known
Janice for eighteen years. She was thirty-sixand had never
married. She had dated several menthroughthe years,one
forsixyears,anotherforthreeyears,andseveralothersforshorterperio
dsoftime.Fromtimetotime, she had made appointments with
me to discuss aparticular difficulty in one of her relationships.
She was bynature a disciplined, conscientious, organized,
thoughtful,andcaringperson.Itwascompletelyoutofcharacterfor
her to show up at my office unannounced. I thought, Theremust
be some terrible crisis for Janice to showup withoutan
appointment. I told my secretary to show her in, and Ifully
expected to see her burst into tears and tell me sometragic story
as soon as the door was closed. Instead,
shevirtuallyskippedintomyoffice,beamingwithexcitement.
“Howareyoutoday,Janice?”Iasked.
“Great!”shesaid.“I’veneverbeenbetterinmylife.I’mgettingm
arried!”
“Youare?”Isaid,revealingmyshock.“Towhomandwhen?”

“To David Gallespie,” she exclaimed, “in
September.”“That’s exciting. How long have you been
dating?”“Threeweeks.Iknow it’scrazy,Dr.Chapman,afterall
the people I have dated and the number of times I came
soclosetogettingmarried.Ican’tbelieveitmyself,butIknowDavid is
the one for me. From the first date, we both
knewit.Ofcourse,wedidn’ttalkaboutitonthefirstnight,butoneweekl
ater,he asked me to marryhim.Iknewhewasgoingto ask me, and I
knew I was going to say yes. I have neverfelt this way before,
Dr. Chapman. You know about therelationships that I have
had through the years and thestruggles I have had. In every
relationship, something wasnot right. I never felt at peace about
marrying any of them,butIknowthatDavidistherightone.”
By this time, Janice was rocking back and forth in herchair,
giggling and saying, “I know it’s crazy, but I am
sohappy.Ihaveneverbeenthishappyinmylife.”
What has happened to Janice? She has fallen in love.In her
mind, David is the most wonderful man she has evermet. He is
perfect in every way. He will make the
idealhusband.Shethinksabouthimdayandnight.ThefactsthatDavid
has been married twice before, has three children,and
hashadthreejobsinthepastyearare trivialto Janice.She’s happy,
and she is convinced that she is going to
behappyforeverwithDavid.Sheisinlove.

Mostofusentermarriagebywayofthe“inlove”
experience.Wemeetsomeonewhosephysicalcharacteristicsa
ndpersonalitytraitscreateenoughelectrical shock to trigger our
“love alert” system. The bellsgo off, and we set in motion the
process of getting to knowthe person. The first step may be
sharing a hamburger orsteak, depending on our budget, but our
real interest is
notinthefood.Weareonaquesttodiscoverlove.“Couldthiswarm,tin
glyfeelingIhaveinsidebethe‘real’thing?”
Sometimeswelosethetinglesonthefirstdate.Wefind out
that she dips snuff, and the tingles run right out ourtoes; we want
no more hamburgers with her. Other times,however, the tingles
are stronger after the hamburger thanbefore. We arrange for a
few more “together” experiences,and before long the level of
intensity has increased to thepoint where we find ourselves
saying, “I think I’m falling inlove.” Eventually we are convinced
that it is the “real thing,”and we tell the other person, hoping
the feeling isreciprocal. If it isn’t, things cool off a bit or we
redouble ourefforts to impress, and eventually win the love
of, ourbeloved. When it is reciprocal, we start talking
aboutmarriage because everyone agrees that being “in love”
isthenecessaryfoundationforagoodmarriage.
Ourdreamsbeforemarriageareofmaritalbliss….It’shardto
believeanythingelsewhenyouareinlove.

Atitspeak,the“inlove”experienceiseuphoric.Weare
emotionally obsessed with each other. We go to
sleepthinkingofoneanother.Whenwerisethatpersonisthefirst
thought on our minds. We long to be
together.Spendingtimetogetherislikeplayingintheanteroomof
heaven. When we hold hands, it seems as if our
bloodflowstogether.Wecouldkissforeverifwedidn’thavetogoto
school or work. Embracing stimulates dreams
ofmarriageandecstasy.
The person who is “in love” has the illusion that
hisbeloved is perfect. His mother can see the flaws but
hecan’t. His mother says, “Darling, have you considered shehas
been under psychiatric care for five years?” But hereplies,
“Oh, Mother, give me a break. She’s been out forthree months
now.” His friends also can see the flaws butarenotlikelyto
tellhimunlesshe asks,andchancesare hewon’t because in his
mind she is perfect and what othersthinkdoesn’tmatter.
Our dreams before marriage are of marital bliss: “Weare
going to make each other supremely happy. Othercouples
may argue and fight, but not us. We love eachother.” Of
course, we are not totally naive. We knowintellectually that
we will eventually have differences. But weare certain that we
will discuss those differences openly;one of us will always be
willing to make concessions, andwewill reachagreement.
It’shardtobelieveanythingelse

whenyouareinlove.
We have been led to believe that if we are really inlove,
it will last forever. We will always have the
wonderfulfeelingsthatwehaveatthismoment.Nothingcouldever
come between us. Nothing will ever overcome our love foreach
other. We are enamored and caught up in the
beautyandcharmoftheother’spersonality.Ourloveisthemostwon
derful thing we have ever experienced. We observethatsome
marriedcouplesseemtohavelostthatfeeling,but it will never
happen to us. “Maybe they did not have therealthing,”wereason.
Unfortunately,theeternalityofthe“inlove”experienceis fiction,
not fact. Dr. Dorothy Tennov, a psychologist, hasdone long-
range studies on the in-love phenomenon. Afterstudying scores of
couples, she concluded that the
averagelifespanofaromanticobsessionistwoyears.Ifitisasecre
tive love affair, it may last a little longer. Eventually,however,
we all descend from the clouds and plant our
feetonearthagain.Oureyesareopened,andweseethewartsof the
other person. We recognize that some of his/herpersonality
traits are actually irritating. Her behaviorpatterns are
annoying. He has the capacity for hurt andanger, perhaps
even harsh words and critical judgments.Those little traits that
we overlooked when we were in
lovenowbecomehugemountains.WerememberMother’s

wordsandaskourselves,HowcouldIhavebeensofoolish?
Welcome to the real world of marriage, where hairsare
always on the sink and little white spots cover themirror,
where arguments center on which way the
toiletpapercomesoffandwhetherthelidshouldbeupordown.It is a
world where shoes do not walk to the closet anddrawers do
not close themselves, where coats do not likehangers and socks
go AWOL during laundry. In this world,a look can hurt and a
word can crush. Intimate lovers
canbecomeenemies,andmarriageabattlefield.
What happened to the “in love” experience? Alas,
itwasbutanillusionbywhichwe were trickedinto
signingournames onthedotted
line,forbetterorforworse.Nowonder so many have come to
curse marriage and thepartner whom they once loved. After
all, if we weredeceived, we have a right to be angry. Did we
really havethe “real” thing? I think so. The problem was
faultyinformation.
The bad information was the idea that the “in
love”obsession would last forever. We should have
knownbetter. A casual observation should have taught us that
ifpeople remained obsessed, we would all be in
serioustrouble. The shock waves would rumble through
business,industry, church, education, and the rest of society.
Why?Because people who are “in love” lose interest in
otherpursuits. That is why we call it “obsession.” The
collegestudent whofallsheadover heelsinloveseeshisgrades

tumbling. It is difficult to study when you are in
love.Tomorrow you have a test on the War of 1812, but
whocares about the War of 1812? When you’re in
love,everything else seems irrelevant. A man said to me,
“Dr.Chapman,myjobisdisintegrating.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”Iasked.
“Imetthisgirl,fellinlove,andIcan’tgetathingdone.Ican’t keep
my mind on my job. I spend my day dreamingabouther.”
The euphoria of the “in love” state gives us the illusionthat
we have an intimate relationship. We feel that webelong to
each other. We believe we can conquer allproblems. We
feel altruistic toward each other. As oneyoung man said
about his fiancée, “I can’t conceive ofdoinganythingto
hurther.Myonlydesireistomake herhappy. I would do
anything to make her happy.” Suchobsession gives us the
false sense that our egocentricattitudes have been eradicated
and we have become sortof a Mother Teresa, willing to give
anything for the benefit
ofourlover.Thereasonwecandothatsofreelyisthatwesincerely
believe that our lover feels the same way
towardus.Webelievethatsheiscommittedtomeetingourneeds,that
he loves us as much as we love him and would neverdoanything
tohurtus.
That thinking is always fanciful. Not that we
areinsincere in what we think and feel, but we are
unrealistic.Wefailtoreckonwiththerealityofhumannature.Bynature
,weareegocentric.Ourworldrevolvesaroundus.Noneof

us is totally altruistic. The euphoria of the “in
love”experienceonlygivesusthatillusion.
Oncetheexperienceoffallinginlovehasrunitsnaturalcourse
(remember, the average in-love experience laststwo years), we
will return to the world of reality and begin toassert ourselves.
He will express his desires, but hisdesires will be different
from hers. He desires sex, but sheis too tired. He wants to buy
a new car, but she says,“That’sabsurd!”Shewantsto
visitherparents,buthe says,“I don’t like spending so much time
with your family.” Hewants to play in the softball tournament,
and she says, “Youlove softball more than you love me.”
Little by little, theillusion of intimacy evaporates, and the
individual
desires,emotions,thoughts,andbehaviorpatternsexertthemsel
ves. They are two individuals. Their minds have notmelded
together, and their emotions mingled only briefly inthe ocean
of love. Now the waves of reality begin toseparate them.
They fall out of love, and at that point eitherthey withdraw,
separate, divorce, and set off in search of anew in-love
experience, or they begin the hard work oflearning to love
each other without the euphoria of the in-loveobsession.
Thein-
loveexperiencedoesnotfocusonourowngrowthnoronthegro
wthanddevelopmentoftheotherperson.
Rather,itgivesusthesensethatwehavearrived.

Some researchers, among them psychiatrist M. ScottPeck
and psychologist Dorothy Tennov, have concludedthat the in-
love experience should not be called “love” at all.Dr. Tennov
coined the word limerance for the in-loveexperience in
order to distinguish that experience fromwhat she considers
real love. Dr. Peck concludes that thefalling-in-love experience
is not real love for three
reasons.First,fallinginloveisnotanactofthewilloraconsciouschoi
ce.Nomatterhowmuchwemaywanttofallinlove,wecannot make it
happen. On the other hand, we may not beseeking the experience
when it overtakes us. Often, we
fallinloveatinopportunetimesandwithunlikelypeople.
Second, falling in love is not real love because it
iseffortless. Whatever we do in the in-love state requires
littlediscipline or conscious effort on our part. The
long,expensive phone calls we make to each other, the
moneywe spend traveling to see each other, the gifts we give,
thework projects we do are as nothing to us. As the
instinctualnature of the bird dictates the building of a nest, so
theinstinctual nature of the in-love experience pushes us to
dooutlandishandunnaturalthingsforeachother.
Third,onewhois“inlove”isnotgenuinelyinterestedinfostering
the personal growth of the other person. “If wehave any
purpose in mind when we fall in love it is toterminate our
own loneliness and perhaps ensure this resultthrough marriage.”1
The in-love experience does not focusonour owngrowthnor
onthegrowthanddevelopmentof

the other person. Rather, it gives us the sense that we
havearrivedandthatwe donotneed furthergrowth.Weareatthe
apex of life’s happiness, and our only desire is to staythere.
Certainly our beloved does not need to growbecause she is
perfect. We simply hope she will remainperfect.
Iffallinginloveisnotreallove,whatisit?Dr.Peck concludes that it
“is a genetically determined instinctualcomponent of mating
behavior. In other words, thetemporary collapse of ego
boundaries that constitutesfalling in love is a stereotypic
response of human beings toa configuration of internal sexual
drives and external sexualstimuli, which serves to increase the
probability of
sexualpairingandbondingsoastoenhancethesurvivalofthespeci
es.”2
Whether or not we agree with that conclusion, those ofus
who have fallen in love and out of love will likely agreethat the
experience does catapult us into emotional orbitunlike
anything else we have experienced. It tends todisengage our
reasoning abilities, and we often findourselves doing and
saying things that we would neverhave done in more sober
moments. In fact, when we comedown from the emotional
obsession we often wonder whywe did those things. When the
wave of emotions
subsidesandwecomebacktotherealworldwhereour differences

are illuminated, how many of us have asked, “Why did weget
married? We don’t agree on anything.” Yet, at theheight of
the in-loveness, we thought we agreed oneverything—
atleasteverythingthatwasimportant.
Rational,volitionallove…isthekindoflovetowhichthesages
havealwayscalledus.
Doesthatmeanthathavingbeentrickedintomarriageby the
illusion of being in love, we are now faced with twooptions: (1)
we are destined to a life of misery with ourspouse, or (2) we
must jump ship and try again? Ourgeneration has opted for
the latter, whereas an earliergeneration often chose the former.
Before we automaticallyconclude that we have made the better
choice, perhaps weshould examine the data. Presently 40
percent of
firstmarriagesinthiscountryendindivorce.Sixtypercentofsecon
dmarriagesand75percentofthirdmarriagesendthe same way.
Apparently the prospect of a happiermarriage the second
and third time around is notsubstantial.
Researchseemstoindicatethatthereisathirdandbetter
alternative: We can recognize the in-love experiencefor what it
was—a temporary emotional high—and nowpursue “real
love” with our spouse. That kind of love isemotional
innaturebutnotobsessional. Itisalovethat

unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will
andrequires discipline, and it recognizes the need for
personalgrowth. Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in
lovebut to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love
thatgrows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to
beloved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees
inmesomethingworthloving.
That kind of love requires effort and discipline. It is
thechoice to expend energy in an effort to benefit the
otherperson,knowingthatifhisorherlifeisenrichedbyyoureffort
, you too will find a sense of satisfaction—thesatisfaction of
having genuinely loved another. It does notrequire the euphoria
of the “in love” experience. In fact, truelove cannot begin until
the “in love” experience has run itscourse.
Wecannottakecreditforthekindandgenerousthingswedowhile
undertheinfluenceof“theobsession.”Wearepushed and carried
along by an instinctual force that goesbeyond our normal
behavior patterns. But if, once we
returntotherealworldofhumanchoice,wechoosetobekindandgen
erous,thatisreallove.
The emotional need for love must be met if we are tohave
emotional health. Married adults long to feel affectionand love
from their spouses. We feel secure when we areassured that our
mate accepts us, wants us, and iscommittedtoourwell-
being.Duringthein-
lovestage,wefeltallofthoseemotions.Itwasheavenlywhileitlasted.
Ourmistakewasinthinkingitwouldlastforever.

Butthatobsessionwasnotmeantto lastforever.Inthetextbook
of marriage, it is but the introduction. The heart ofthe book is
rational, volitional love. That is the kind of
lovetowhichthesageshavealwayscalledus.Itisintentional.
That is good news to the married couple who have
lostalloftheir“inlove”feelings.Iflove isa choice,thentheyhave
the capacity to love after the “in love” obsession hasdied and
they have returned to the real world. That kind oflove begins
with an attitude—a way of thinking. Love is
theattitudethatsays,“Iammarriedtoyou,andIchoosetolookout for
your interests.” Then the one who chooses to
lovewillfindappropriatewaystoexpressthatdecision.
“But it seems so sterile,” some may contend. “Love asan
attitude with appropriate behavior? Where are theshooting
stars, the balloons, the deep emotions?
Whataboutthespiritofanticipation,thetwinkleoftheeye,theelectr
icity of a kiss, the excitement of sex? What about theemotional
security of knowing that I am number one
inhis/hermind?”Thatiswhatthisbookisallabout.Howdowe meet
each other’s deep, emotional need to feel
loved?Ifwecanlearnthatandchoose todoit,thentheloveweshare
will be exciting beyond anything we ever felt when
wewereinfatuated.
Formanyyearsnow,Ihavediscussedthefiveemotional
lovelanguagesinmy marriageseminarsandinprivate

counselingsessions.Thousandsofcoupleswillattesttothevalidityofw
hatyouare abouttoread.Myfilesarefilledwithletters from people
whom I have never met, saying, “Afriend loaned me one of
your tapes on love languages, andit has revolutionized our
marriage. We had struggled foryears trying to love each other,
but our efforts had missedeach other emotionally. Now that we
are speaking theappropriate love languages, the emotional
climate of ourmarriagehasradicallyimproved.”
When your spouse’s emotional love tank is full and hefeels
secure in your love, the whole world looks bright andyour
spouse will move out to reach his highest potential inlife. But
when the love tank is empty and he feels used
butnotloved,thewholeworldlooksdarkandhewilllikelyneverreach
his potential for good in the world. In the next fivechapters, I
will explain the five emotional love languagesand then, in
chapter 9, illustrate how discovering yourspouse’s primary
love language can make your efforts atlovemostproductive.
NOTES
1.M.ScottPeck,TheRoadLessTraveled(NewYork:Simon&Sch
uster,1978),pp.89–90.
2.Ibid.,p.90.

LoveLanguage#1
WORDSOFAFFIRMATION
MarkTwainoncesaid,“Icanlivefortwomonthsona
goodcompliment.”IfwetakeTwainliterally,sixcompliments
a year would have kept his emotional lovetank at the
operational level. Your spouse will probablyneedmore.
One way to express love emotionally is to use wordsthat
build up. Solomon, author of the ancient Hebrewwisdom
literature, wrote, “The tongue has the power of lifeand
death.”1Many couples have never learned
thetremendouspowerofverbally affirmingeach
other.Solomon further noted, “An anxious heart weighs a
mandown,butakindwordcheershimup.”2
Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation,
arepowerful communicators of love. They are best expressedin
simple, straightforward statements of affirmation, suchas:
“Youlooksharpinthatsuit.”
“Doyoueverlookniceinthatdress!Wow!”
“Youmustbethebestpotatocookintheworld.Ilove

thesepotatoes.”
“I really appreciate your washing the dishes
tonight.”“Thanksfor gettingthebaby-sitter
lineduptonight.I
wantyoutoknowIdon’ttakethatforgranted.”
“Ireallyappreciateyourtakingthegarbageout.”
What would happen to the emotional climate of
amarriage if the husband and wife heard such words
ofaffirmationregularly?
Severalyearsago,Iwassittinginmyofficewithmydoor open.
A lady walking down the hall said, “Have you got
aminute?”
“Sure,comein.”
She sat down and said, “Dr. Chapman, I’ve got
aproblem. I can’t get my husband to paint our bedroom.
Ihave been after him for nine months. I have tried
everythingIknow,andIcan’tgethimtopaintit.”
Myfirstthoughtwas,Lady,youareatthewrongplace.
I am not a paint contractor. But I said, “Tell me about
it.”Shesaid,“Well,lastSaturdaywasagoodexample.
Yourememberhowprettyitwas?Doyouknowwhatmyhusbanddidal
ldaylong?Hewashedandwaxedthecar.”
“Sowhatdidyoudo?”
“Iwentoutthereandsaid,‘Bob,Idon’tunderstandyou.Todaywou
ldhavebeenaperfectdaytopaintthebedroom,

andhereyouarewashingandwaxingthecar.’”“Sodidhe
paintthebedroom?”Iinquired.
“No.It’sstillnotpainted.Idon’tknowwhattodo.”
“Let measkyouaquestion,”Isaid.
“Areyouopposedtoclean,waxedcars?”
“No,butIwantthebedroompainted.”
“Areyoucertainthatyourhusbandknowsthatyouwantthebedroo
mpainted?”
“Iknowhedoes,”shesaid.“Ihavebeenafterhimforninemonths.”
“Letmeaskyouonemorequestion.Doesyourhusbandeverd
oanythinggood?”
“Likewhat?”
“Oh,liketaking
thegarbageout,orgettingbugsoffthewindshield of the car you
drive, or putting gas in the car,
orpayingtheelectricbill,orhanginguphiscoat?”
“Yes,”shesaid,“hedoessomeofthosethings.”
“Then I have two suggestions. One, don’t ever
mentionpainting the bedroom again.” I repeated, “Don’t
evermentionitagain.”
“Idon’tseehowthat’sgoingtohelp,”shesaid.
The object of love is not getting something you want
butdoingsomethingforthewell-
beingoftheoneyoulove.Itisafact,however,thatwhenwerecei
veaffirmingwordswearefarmorelikelytobemotivatedtorecip

“Look, you just told me that he knows that you want
thebedroom painted. You don’t have to tell him anymore.
Healready knows. The second suggestion I have is that
thenext time your husband does anything good, give him
averbalcompliment.Ifhetakesthegarbageout,say,‘Bob,Iwantyout
oknowthatIreallyappreciateyourtakingthegarbage out.’ Don’t
say, ‘About time you took the garbageout. The flies were going
to carry it out for you.’ If you seehim paying the electric bill,
put your hand on his shoulderand say, ‘Bob, I really appreciate
your paying the electricbill. I hear there are husbands who don’t
do that, and I wantyou to know how much I appreciate it.’ Every
time he doesanythinggood,givehimaverbalcompliment.”
“I don’t see how that’s going to get the
bedroompainted.”
Isaid,“Youaskedformyadvice.Youhaveit.It’sfree.”
Shewasn’tveryhappywithmewhensheleft.Threeweeks
later, however, she came back to my office andsaid, “It
worked!” She had learned that verbal
complimentsarefargreatermotivatorsthannaggingwords.
I am not suggesting verbal flattery in order to get
yourspouse to do something you want. The object of love is
notgetting something you want but doing something for
thewell-being of the one you love. It is a fact, however,
thatwhen we receive affirming words we are far more likely
tobe motivated to reciprocate and do something our
spousedesires.

ENCOURAGINGWORDS
Giving verbal compliments is only one way to
expresswords of affirmation to your spouse. Another dialect
isencouragingwords.Thewordencouragemeans“toinspirecourag
e.” All of us have areas in which we feel insecure.We lack
courage, and that lack of courage often hinders usfrom
accomplishing the positive things that we would like todo. The
latent potential within your spouse in his or
herareasofinsecuritymayawaityourencouragingwords.
Allisonhadalwayslikedtowrite.Lateinhercollege career, she
took a few courses in journalism. She quicklyrealized that her
excitement about writing exceeded herinterest in history,
which had been her academic major. Itwas too late to change
majors, but after college andespecially before the first baby,
she wrote several articles.She submitted one article to a
magazine, but when shereceived a rejection slip, she never
had the courage tosubmit another. Now that the children were
older and
shehadmoretimetocontemplate,Allisonwasagainwriting.
Keith, Allison’s husband, had paid little attention
toAllison’s writing in the early days of their marriage. He
wasbusywithhisownvocationand caughtup inthe
pressureofclimbingthecorporateladder.Intime,however,Keithhad

realizedthatlife’sdeepestmeaningisnotfoundinaccomplishm
entsbutinrelationships.HehadlearnedtogivemoreattentiontoAllis
onandherinterests.Soitwasquitenatural
onenightforhimtopickuponeofAllison’sarticlesandreadit.Whenh
efinished,hewentintothedenwhereAllisonwasreadingabook.Withg
reatenthusiasm,hesaid,“Ihatetointerruptyourreading,butIhavetot
ellyouthis.Ijustfinishedreadingyourarticleon‘MakingtheMostofth
eHolidays.’Allison,youareanexcellentwriter.Thisstuffoughttobe
published!Youwriteclearly.YourwordspaintpicturesthatIcanvi
sualize.Youhaveafascinatingstyle.Youhavetosubmitthisstufft
osomemagazines.”
“Doyoureallythinkso?”Allisonaskedhesitantly.
“Iknowso,”Keithsaid.“I’mtellingyou,thisisgood.”
When Keith left the room, Allison did not resume
herreading. With the closed book in her lap, she dreamed
forthirty minutes about what Keith had said. She wondered
ifotherswouldviewherwriting the same wayhe
did.Sheremembered the rejection slip she had received years
ago,but she reasoned that she was a different person now.
Herwriting was better. She had had more experiences.
Beforesheleftthechairtogetadrinkofwater,Allisonhadmadeadecisi
on.Shewouldsubmitherarticlestosomemagazines.Shewouldse
eiftheycouldbepublished.
Keith’s encouraging words were spoken fourteenyears
ago. Allison has had numerous articles
publishedsincethenandnowhasabookcontract.Sheisan
How to increase your relationship with your spouse

do you want to learn this special method than click
here

excellentwriter,butittooktheencouraging wordsfromherhusband
to inspire her to take the first step in the
arduousprocessofgettinganarticlepublished.
Perhapsyourspousehasuntappedpotentialinoneor more areas of
life. That potential may be awaiting yourencouraging words.
Perhaps she needs to enroll in acourse to develop that
potential. Maybe he needs to
meetsomepeoplewhohavesucceededinthatarea,whocangivehi
minsightonthenextstepheneedstotake.Yourwordsmaygiveyours
pousethecouragenecessarytotakethatfirststep.
Please note that I am not talking about pressuring
yourspouse to do something that you want. I am talking
aboutencouraginghimtodevelopaninterestthathealreadyhas.For
example, some husbands pressure their wives to loseweight. The
husband says, “I am encouraging her,” but tothe wife it sounds
like condemnation. Only when a personwants
toloseweightcanyougiveherencouragement.Untilshe has the
desire, your words will fall into the category ofpreaching. Such
words seldom encourage. They arealmost always heard as
words of judgment, designed
tostimulateguilt.Theyexpressnotlovebutrejection.
Encouragementrequiresempathyandseeingtheworldfro
myourspouse’sperspective.Wemustfirstlearnwhat

isimportanttoourspouse.
If, however, your spouse says, “I think I would like
toenroll in a weight-loss program this fall,” then you
haveopportunity to give words of encouragement.
Encouragingwords would sound like this. “If you decide to do
that, I cantell you one thing. You will be a success. That’s one of
thethings I like about you. When you set your mind
tosomething, you do it. If that’s what you want to do, I
willcertainly do everything I can to help you. And don’t
worryaboutthe
costoftheprogram.Ifit’swhatyouwanttodo,we’llfindthemoney.”S
uchwordsmaygiveyourspousethecouragetophonetheweight-
losscenter.
Encouragement requires empathy and seeing
theworldfromyourspouse’sperspective.Wemustfirstlearnwhat
is important to our spouse. Only then can we
giveencouragement. With verbal encouragement, we are tryingto
communicate, “I know. I care. I am with you. How can Ihelp?”
We are trying to show that we believe in him and
inhisabilities.Wearegivingcreditandpraise.
Most of us have more potential than we will
everdevelop. What holds us back is often courage. A
lovingspouse can supply that all-important catalyst. Of
course,encouraging words may be difficult for you to speak. It
maynot be your primary love language. It may take great
effortfor you to learn this second language. That will

beespeciallytrueifyouhaveapatternofcriticaland

condemningwords,butIcanassureyouthatitwillbeworththeeffort.
KINDWORDS
Love is kind. If then we are to communicate
loveverbally, we must use kind words. That has to do with
theway we speak. The same sentence can have two
differentmeanings, depending on how you say it. The statement
“Ilove you,” when said with kindness and tenderness, can bea
genuine expression of love. But what about the statement“I love
you?” The question mark changes the
wholemeaningofthosethreewords.Sometimesourwordsaresayi
ngonething,butourtoneofvoiceissayinganother.We are sending
double messages. Our spouse will usuallyinterpret our message
based on our tone of voice, not thewordsweuse.
“I would be delighted to wash dishes tonight,” said in
asnarling tone will not be received as an expression of
love.Ontheotherhand,wecansharehurt,pain,andevenangerin a kind
manner, and that will be an expression of love.
“Ifeltdisappointedandhurtthatyoudidn’toffertohelpmethis
evening,” said in an honest, kind manner can be anexpression
of love. The person speaking wants to beknown by her spouse.
She is taking steps to build intimacyby sharing her feelings. She
is asking for an opportunity
todiscussahurtinordertofindhealing.Thesamewords

expressed with a loud, harsh voice will be not anexpression
of love but an expression of condemnation andjudgment.
The manner in which we speak is
exceedinglyimportant. An ancient sage once said, “A soft
answer turnsawayanger.”Whenyourspouse isangryand
upsetandlashingoutwordsofheat,ifyouchoosetobelovingyouwilln
otreciprocatewithadditionalheatbutwithasoftvoice.You will
receive what he is saying as information about
hisemotionalfeelings.Youwilllethimtellyouofhishurt,anger,andper
ceptionofevents.Youwillseektoputyourselfinhisshoesand see the
eventthroughhiseyesandthenexpresssoftly and kindly your
understanding of why he feels thatway. If you have wronged
him, you will be willing to confessthe wrong and ask
forgiveness. If your motivation isdifferentfromwhatheis
reading,youwillbe able to explainyour motivation kindly. You
will seek understanding andreconciliation, and not to prove
your own perception as theonly logical way to interpret what
has happened. That ismature love—love to which we aspire if
we seek a growingmarriage.
Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs. Love doesn’tbring
up past failures. None of us is perfect. In marriage wedo not
always do the best or right thing. We
havesometimesdoneandsaidhurtfulthingstoourspouses.Wecannot
erasethe past.Wecanonlyconfessitand agreethatitwas
wrong.Wecanaskforforgiveness
andtrytoactdifferentlyinthefuture.Havingconfessedmyfailurean
d

asked forgiveness, I can do nothing more to mitigate thehurt it
may have caused my spouse. When I have beenwronged by
my spouse and she has painfully confessed itand requested
forgiveness, I have the option of justice orforgiveness. If I
choose justice and seek to pay her back ormake her pay for her
wrongdoing, I am making myself thejudge and her the felon.
Intimacy becomes impossible. If,however, I choose to forgive,
intimacy can be restored.Forgivenessisthewayoflove.
Iamamazedbyhowmanyindividualsmessupeverynewdaywithyest
erday.Theyinsistonbringinginto todaythefailures of yesterday
and in so doing, they pollute apotentially wonderful day. “I
can’t believe you did it. I don’tthink I’ll ever forget it. You can’t
possibly know how muchyou hurt me. I don’t know how you
can sit there so smuglyafter you treated me that way. You ought
to be crawling
onyourknees,beggingmeforforgiveness.Idon’tknowifIcaneverf
orgiveyou.”Thosearenotthewordsoflovebutofbitternessandresentm
entandrevenge.
If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need
toknoweachother’sdesires.Ifwewishtoloveeachother,wene
edtoknowwhattheotherpersonwants.

Thebestthingwecandowiththefailuresofthepastisto let them
be history. Yes, it happened. Certainly it
hurt.Anditmaystillhurt,buthe hasacknowledged
hisfailureandaskedyourforgiveness.Wecannoterasethepast,butw
ecanacceptitashistory.Wecanchoosetolivetodayfree from the
failures of yesterday. Forgiveness is not
afeeling;itisacommitment.Itisachoicetoshowmercy,notto hold the
offense up against the offender. Forgiveness isan expression of
love. “I love you. I care about you, and Ichoose to forgive you.
Even though my feelings of hurt maylinger, I will not allow what
has happened to come betweenus. I hope that we can learn from
this experience. You arenot a failure because you have failed.
You are my spouse,and together we will go on from here.” Those
are the wordsofaffirmationexpressedinthedialectofkindwords.
HUMBLEWORDS
Love makes requests, not demands. When I demandthings
from my spouse, I become a parent and she
thechild.Itistheparentwhotellsthethree-year-oldwhatheoughtto
doand,infact,whathe mustdo.Thatisnecessarybecause the three-
year-old does not yet know how tonavigate in the treacherous
waters of life. In marriage,however, we are equal, adult
partners. We are not
perfecttobesure,butweareadultsandwearepartners.Ifwearetodevel
opanintimaterelationship,weneedtoknoweach

other’s
desires.Ifwewishtoloveeachother,weneedtoknowwhattheotherp
ersonwants.
The way we express those desires, however, is all-
important. If they come across as demands, we haveerased
the possibility of intimacy and will drive our spouseaway. If,
however, we make known our needs and desiresasrequests,we
aregivingguidance,notultimatums.Thehusband who says, “You
know those apple pies you make?Would it be possible for you to
make one this week? I lovethose apple pies,” is giving his wife
guidance on how tolove him and thus build intimacy. On the
other hand, thehusband who says, “Haven’t had an apple pie
since thebaby was born. Don’t guess I’ll get any more apple
pies foreighteen years,” has ceased being an adult and
hasreverted to adolescent behavior. Such demands do
notbuild intimacy. The wife who says, “Do you think it will
bepossible for you to clean the gutters this weekend?”
isexpressing love by making a request. But the wife whosays,
“If you don’t get those gutters cleaned out soon, theyare going
to fall off the house. They already have treesgrowing out of
them!” has ceased to love and has becomeadomineeringspouse.
When you make a request of your spouse, you
areaffirming his or her worth and abilities. You are in
essenceindicating that she has something or can do something
thatis meaningful and worthwhile to you. When, however,
youmake demands, you have become not a lover but a
tyrant.Yourspousewillfeel notaffirmedbutbelittled.Arequest

introduces the element of choice. Your mate may choose
torespond to your request or to deny it, because love
isalways a choice. That’s what makes it meaningful. To knowthat
my spouse loves me enough to respond to one of myrequests
communicates emotionally that she cares aboutme, respects me,
admires me, and wants to do somethingto please me. We
cannot get emotional love by way ofdemand. My spouse may
in fact comply with my
demands,butitisnotanexpressionoflove.Itisanactoffearorguiltor
some other emotion, but not love. Thus, a requestcreates the
possibility for an expression of love, whereas
ademandsuffocatesthatpossibility.
VARIOUSDIALECTS
Words of affirmation are one of the five basic
lovelanguages. Within that language, however, there are
manydialects. We have discussed a few already, and there
aremany more. Entire volumes and numerous articles
havebeen written on these dialects. All of the dialects have
incommon the use of words to affirm one’s
spouse.Psychologist William James said that possibly the
deepesthuman need is the need to feel appreciated. Words
ofaffirmationwillmeetthatneedinmanyindividuals.Ifyouare not
a man or woman of words, if it is not your primarylove language
but you think it may be the love language
ofyourspouse,letmesuggestthatyoukeepanotebooktitled

“Words of Affirmation.” When you read an article or bookon
love, record the words of affirmation you find. When youhear a
lecture on love or you overhear a friend sayingsomething
positive aboutanotherperson,write itdown.Intime, you will
collect quite a list of words to use
incommunicatinglovetoyourspouse.
You may also want to try giving indirect words
ofaffirmation, that is, saying positive things about
yourspouse when he or she is not present. Eventually,
someonewill tell your spouse, and you will get full credit for
love. Tellyourwife’s
motherhowgreatyourwifeis.Whenhermothertells her what you
said, it will be amplified, and you will geteven more credit. Also
affirm your spouse in front of
otherswhenheorsheispresent.Whenyouaregivenpublichonorforana
ccomplishment,besuretosharethecreditwithyourspouse. You
may also try your hand at writing words
ofaffirmation.Writtenwordshavethebenefitofbeingreadoverand
overagain.
I learned an important lesson about words of affirmationand
love languages in Little Rock, Arkansas. My visit
withBillandBettyJowasonabeautifulspringday.Theylivedinaclust
erhomewithwhitepicketfence,greengrass,andspring flowers in
full bloom. It was idyllic. Once inside,however, I discovered
that the idealism ended.
Theirmarriagewasinshambles.Twelveyearsandtwochildren

afterthe weddingday,theywondered whytheyhadmarriedin the first
place. They seemed to disagree on everything.The only thing
they really agreed on was that they bothloved the children. As
the story unraveled, my observationwas that Bill was a
workaholic who had little time left overfor Betty Jo. Betty Jo
worked part-time, mainly to get out ofthe house. Their method
of coping was withdrawal. Theytried to put distance between
themselves so that theirconflictswouldnotseemas large.Butthe
gaugeonbothlovetanksread“empty.”
Theytoldme thattheyhad beengoing
formarriagecounseling
butdidn’tseemtobemakingmuchprogress.They were attending
my marriage seminar, and I wasleaving town the next day.
This would likely be my onlyencounter with Bill and Betty
Jo. I decided to put all myeggsinonebasket.
I spent an hour with each of them separately. I
listenedintently to both stories. I discovered that in spite of
theemptinessoftheirrelationshipandtheirmanydisagreements
, they appreciated certain things about eachother. Bill
acknowledged, “She is a good mother. She alsoisagood
housekeeperand anexcellentcookwhenshechooses to cook.
But,” he continued, “there is simply noaffection coming from
her. I work my butt off and there issimply no appreciation.” In
my conversation with Betty Jo,sheagreed
thatBillwasanexcellentprovider.“But,”shecomplained, “he does
nothing around the house to help
me,andheneverhastimeforme.What’stheuseofhavingthe

How to increase your relationship with your
spouse do you want to learn this special method
than click here

house,the
recreationalvehicle,andalltheotherthingsifyoudon’tevergettoenj
oythemtogether?”
With that information, I decided to focus my advice
bymaking only one suggestion to each of them. I told Bill
andBetty Jo separately that each one held the key to changingthe
emotional climate of the marriage. “That key,” I said, “isto
express verbal appreciation for the things you like aboutthe
other person and, for the moment, suspending yourcomplaints
about the things you do not like.” We reviewedthe positive
comments they had already made about eachother and helped
each of them write a list of those
positivetraits.Bill’slistfocusedonBettyJo’sactivitiesasamother,ho
usekeeper, and cook. Betty Jo’s list focused on Bill’shard
work and financial provision of the family. We madethe lists
as specific as possible. Betty Jo’s list looked likethis:
He hasn’t missed a day of work in twelve
years.Heisaggressiveinhiswork.
He has received several promotions through
theyears.Heisalwaysthinkingofwaystoimprovehispro
ductivity.
Hemakesthehousepaymenteachmonth.
Healsopaystheelectricalbill,thegasbill,thewaterbill.

He bought us a recreational vehicle three yearsago.
Hemowsthegrassorhiressomeonetodoiteachweekint
hespringandsummer.
Herakestheleavesorhiressomeonetodoitinthefall.
Heprovidesplentyofmoneyforfoodandclothingfort
hefamily.
Hecarriesthegarbageoutaboutonceamonth.
HeprovidesmoneyformetobuyChristmaspresentsfor
thefamily.
He agreesthatIcanusethemoneyImakeatmypart-
timejobanywayIdesire.
Bill’slistlookedlikethis:
Shemakesthebedseveryday.
Shevacuumsthehouseeveryweek.
Shegetsthekidsofftoschooleverymorning

withagoodbreakfast.
Shecooksdinneraboutthreedaysaweek.Shebuyst
hegroceries.
Shehelpsthechildrenwiththeirhomework.
Shetransportsthechildrentoschoolandchurchactivities
.
She teaches first grade Sunday school.She
takes my clothes to the
cleaners.Shedoesthewashingandsomeironing
.
I suggested that they add to the lists things theynoticed
in the weeks ahead. I also suggested that twice aweek, they
select one positive trait and express verbalappreciation for it
to the spouse. I gave one furtherguideline. I told Betty Jo that
if Bill happened to give her
acompliment,shewasnottogivehimacomplimentatthesame time
but rather, she should simply receive it and say,“Thank you for
saying that.” I told Bill the same thing. Iencouraged them to
do that every week for two months,and if they found it
helpful, they could continue. If

theexperimentdidnothelptheemotionalclimateofthe

marriage, then they could write it off as another
failedattempt.
The next day, I got on the plane and returned home.
Imadea note to callBilland BettyJo two monthslatertosee
what had happened. When I called them in mid-
summer,Iaskedtospeak toeachofthemindividually.Iwas
amazed to find that Bill’s attitude had taken a giantstep
forward. He had guessed that I had given Betty Jo
thesameadviceIhadgivenhim,butthatwasallright.Helovedit. She
was expressing appreciation for his hard work andhis provision
for the family. “She has actually made me feellike a man again.
We’ve got a ways to go, Dr.
Chapman,butIreallybelieveweareontheroad.”
When I talked to Betty Jo, however, I found that shehad
only taken a baby step forward. She said, “It hasimproved
some, Dr. Chapman. Bill is giving me verbalcompliments as
you suggested, and I guess he is sincere.But, Dr. Chapman, he’s
still not spending any time with me.He is still so busy at work
that we never have timetogether.”
AsIlistenedtoBettyJo,thelightscameon.IknewthatI had made
a significant discovery. The love language ofone person is not
necessarily the love language of another.It was obvious that
Bill’s primary love language was Wordsof Affirmation. He was a
hard worker, and he enjoyed hiswork, but what he wanted
most from his wife wasexpressions of appreciation for his
work. That pattern
wasprobablysetinchildhood,andtheneedforverbal

affirmation was no less important in his adult life. Betty
Jo,ontheotherhand,was emotionallycryingoutforsomethingelse.
Positive words were fine, but her deep emotionallonging is
for something else. That brings us to
lovelanguagenumbertwo.
NOTES
1. Proverbs18:21.
2. Proverbs12:25.
How to increase your relationship with your spouse do
you want to learn this special method than click here

Ifyourspouse’slovelanguageisWords ofAffirmation:
1. To remind yourself that “Words of Affirmation”
isyourspouse’sprimary lovelanguage, print thefollowing
on a 3x5 card and put it on a mirror or
otherplacewhereyouwillseeitdaily:
Wordsareimportant!W
ordsareimportant!Wor
dsareimportant!
2. Forone week,keepawrittenrecordofallthewordsof
affirmation you give your spouse each day. At
theendoftheweek,sitdownwithyourspouseandreviewyourrec
ord.
OnMonday,Isaid:
“Youdidagreatjobonthismeal.”“Your
eallylookniceinthatoutfit.”
“Ireallyappreciateyourpickingupthelaundry.”
OnTuesday,Isaid:etc
.

Youmightbesurprisedhowwell(orhowpoorly)youarespeaki
ngwordsofaffirmation.
1. Set a goal to give your spouse a
differentcomplimenteachdayforonemonth.If“anappleadayk
eepsthedoctoraway,”maybeacomplimentadaywill keep
the counselor away. (You may want to recordthese
compliments also, so you will not duplicate
thestatements.)
2. As you read the newspaper, magazines, andbooks,
or watch TV or listen to radio, look for words
ofaffirmation which people use. Observe people
inconversation. Write those affirming statements in
anotebook. (If they are cartoons, clip and paste them inyour
notebook.) Read through these periodically
andselectthoseyoucouldusewithyourspouse.Whenyouuse
one, note the date on which you used it. Yournotebook
may become your love book.
Remember,wordsareimportant!
3. Write a love letter, a love paragraph, or a
lovesentence to your spouse, and give it quietly or
withfanfare! (Chances are, when he dies, you will find
yourlove letter tucked away in some special place.)
Wordsareimportant!

4. Complimentyourspouseinthepresenceofhisparents
or friends. You will get double credit: Yourspouse will
feel loved and the parents will feel lucky
tohavesuchagreatson-in-lawordaughter-in-law.
5. Look for your spouse’s strengths and tell her
howmuch you appreciate those strengths. Chances
areshewillworkhardtoliveuptoherreputation.
6. Tell your children how great their mother or fatheris.
Do this behind your spouse’s back and in herpresence.
7. Write a poem describing how you feel about
yourspouse. If you are not a poet, choose a card
thatexpresses how you feel. Underline special words
andaddafewofyourownattheend.
8. If you find speaking “Words of Affirmation”
isdifficult for you, practice in front of a mirror. Use a
cuecardifyoumust,andremember,wordsareimportant.

LoveLanguage#2
QUALITYTIME
I should have picked up on Betty Jo’s primary
lovelanguage from the beginning. What was she saying on
thatspringnightwhenIvisitedherandBillinLittleRock?“Billisagoo
dprovider,buthedoesn’tspendanytimewithme.What good is the
house and the recreational vehicle and allthe
otherthingsifwedon’teverenjoythemtogether?”Whatwas her
desire? Quality time with Bill. She wanted hisattention. She
wanted him to focus on her, to give her time,todothingswithher.
By “quality time,” I mean giving someone
yourundivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on the
couchwatching television together. When you spend time
thatway, ABC or NBC has your attention—not your
spouse.What I mean is sitting on the couch with the TV off,
lookingat each other and talking, giving each other your
undividedattention. It means taking a walk, just the two of
you,
orgoingouttoeatandlookingateachotherandtalking.Haveyouevern
oticedthatinarestaurant,youcanalmostalwaystellthedifferencebet
weenadatingcoupleandamarried

couple? Dating couples look at each other and talk.Married
couples sit there and gaze around the
restaurant.You’dthinktheywenttheretoeat!
When I sit on the couch with my wife and give
hertwenty minutes of my undivided attention and she does
thesameforme,wearegivingeachothertwentyminutesoflife. We
will never have those twenty minutes again; we aregiving our
lives to each other. It is a powerful
emotionalcommunicatoroflove.
One medicine cannot cure all diseases. In my adviceto Bill
and Betty Jo, I made a serious mistake. I assumedthat words of
affirmation would mean as much to Betty
JoastheywouldtoBill.Ihadhopedthatifeachofthemwouldgive
adequate verbal affirmation, the emotional
climatewouldchange,andbothofthemwouldbegintofeelloved.Itwo
rked for Bill. He began to feel more positive about
BettyJo.Hebegantosensegenuineappreciationforhishardwork,b
utithadnotworkedaswellforBettyJo,forwordsofaffirmation were
not her primary love language. Herlanguagewasqualitytime.
I got back on the phone and thanked Bill for his efforts inthe
past two months. I told him that he had done a good
jobofverballyaffirmingBettyJoand thatshe
hadheardhisaffirmations.“But,Dr.Chapman,”hesaid,“sheisstill
notveryhappy.Idon’tthinkthingsaremuchbetterforher.”

“You are right,” I said, “and I think I know why.
Theproblem is that I suggested the wrong love language.”
Billhadn’t the foggiest idea what I meant. I explained that
whatmakes one person feel loved emotionally is not always
thethingthatmakesanotherpersonfeellovedemotionally.
He agreed that his language was words of affirmation.He
told me how much that had meant to him as a boy andhow good
he felt when Betty Jo expressed appreciation forthe things he
did. I explained that Betty Jo’s language wasnot words of
affirmation but quality time. I explained theconcept of giving
someone your undivided attention, nottalking to her while
you read the newspaper or watchtelevision but looking into
her eyes, giving her your fullattention, doing something with
her that she enjoys
doinganddoingitwholeheartedly.“Likegoingtothesymphonywit
h her,” he said. I could tell the lights were coming on
inLittleRock.
“Dr.Chapman,thatiswhatshehasalwayscomplainedabou
t.Ididn’tdothingswithher,Ididn’tspendany time with her. ‘We
used to go places and do thingsbefore we were married,’ she
said, ‘but now, you’re toobusy.’ That’s her love language all
right; no question
aboutit.But,Dr.Chapman,whatamIgonnado?Myjobissodeman
ding.”
“Tellmeaboutit,”Isaid.
For the next ten minutes, he gave me the history of hisclimb
up the organizational ladder, of how hard he
hadworked,andhowproudhewasofhisaccomplishments.He

toldme ofhisdreamsforthefutureandthatheknewthatwithin the
next five years, he would be where he wanted tobe.
“Do you want to be there alone, or do you want to
betherewithBettyJoandthechildren?”Iasked.
“I want her to be with me, Dr. Chapman. I want her toenjoy
it with me. That’s why it always hurts so much
whenshecriticizesmeforspendingtimeonthejob.Iamdoingitfor us.
I wanted her to be a part of it, but she is always sonegative.”
“Are you beginning to see why she was so negative,Bill?” I
asked. “Her love language is quality time. You havegiven her so
little time that her love tank is empty. Shedoesn’t feel secure
in your love. Therefore she has lashedoutatwhatwastaking
yourtime inhermind—yourjob.Shedoesn’t really hate your job.
She hates the fact that shefeels so little love coming from
you. There’s only oneanswer, Bill, and it’s costly. You have to
make time for BettyJo.Youhavetoloveherintherightlovelanguage.”
“I know you are right, Dr. Chapman. Where do
Ibegin?”
“Do you have your legal pad handy? The one on
whichwemadethelistofthepositivethingsaboutBettyJo?”
“It’srighthere.”
“Good. We’re going to make another list. What
aresomethingsthatyouknowBettyJowouldlikeyoutodowith
her? Things she has mentioned through the
years.”HereisBill’slist:

Take our RV and spend a weekend in
themountains (sometimes with the children
andsometimesjustthetwoofus).
Meet her for lunch (at a nice restaurant
orsometimesevenatMcDonald’s).
Get a baby-sitter and take her out to dinner,
justthetwoofus.
WhenIcomehomeatnight,sitdownandtalkwith her
about my day and listen as she tells
meaboutherday.(Shedoesn’twantmetowatchTVwhi
lewearetryingtotalk.)
Spend time talking with the children about
theirschoolexperiences.
Spendtimeplayinggameswiththechildren.
Go on a picnic with her and the children
onSaturday and don’t complain about the ants
andtheflies.
Takeavacationwiththefamilyatleastonceayear.
Gowalkingwith herandtalkaswewalk.(Don’t

walkaheadofher.)
“Those are the things she has talked about through
theyears,”hesaid.
“YouknowwhatIamgoingtosuggest,don’tyou,Bill?”“Dothe
m,”hesaid.
“That’s right, one a week for the next two
months.Where will you find the time? You will make it. You
are awise man,” I continued. “You would not be where you are
ifyouwerenotagooddecisionmaker.Youhavetheabilitytoplanyourli
feandtoincludeBettyJoinyourplans.”
“Iknow,”hesaid,“Icandoit.”
“And, Bill, this does not have to diminish
yourvocational goals. It just means that when you get to the
top,BettyJoandthechildrenwillbewithyou.”
Acentralaspectofqualitytimeistogetherness.Idonotmea
nproximity….Togethernesshastodowithfocusedattenti
on.
“That’swhatIwantmorethananything.WhetherIamatthetoporn
ot,Iwanthertobehappy,andIwanttoenjoylifewithherandthechildren.
”
The years have come and gone. Bill and Betty Jo
havegonetothetopandback,buttheimportantthingisthatthey

have done it together. The children have left the nest, andBill and
Betty Jo agree that these are their best years
ever.Billhasbecomeanavidsymphonyfan,andBettyJohasmade
an unending list in her legal pad of things sheappreciates
about Bill. He never tires of hearing them. Hehas now started
his own company and is near the topagain. His job is no
longer a threat to Betty Jo. She
isexcitedaboutitandencourageshim.Sheknowsthatsheisnumberon
einhislife.Herlovetankisfull,andifitbeginstoget empty, she knows
that a simple request on her part
willgetherBill’sundividedattention.
TOGETHERNESS
A central aspect of quality time is togetherness. I donot
mean proximity. Two people sitting in the same
roomareinclose
proximity,buttheyarenotnecessarilytogether.Togetherness has to
do with focused attention. When afather is sitting on the floor,
rolling a ball to his two-year-old,his attention is not focused on
the ball but on his child. Forthat brief moment, however long it
lasts, they are together.If, however, the father is talking on the
phone while he rollsthe ball, his attention is diluted. Some
husbands and wivesthink they are spending time together when,
in reality, theyare only living in close proximity. They are in
the samehouse at the same time, but they are not together.
Ahusbandwhois watchingsportsontelevisionwhilehetalks

to his wife is not giving her quality time, because she
doesnothavehisfullattention.
Quality time does not mean that we have to spend
ourtogether moments gazing into each other’s eyes. It meansthat
we are doing something together and that we aregiving our
full attention to the other person. The activity inwhich we are
both engaged is incidental. The importantthing emotionally is
that we are spending focused time witheach other. The activity is
a vehicle that creates the senseof togetherness. The important
thing about the father rollingthe ball to the two-year-old is not
the activity itself, but
theemotionsthatarecreatedbetweenthefatherandhischild.
Similarly,ahusbandandwifeplayingtennistogether,ifit is
genuine quality time, will focus not on the game but onthe fact
that they are spending time together. Whathappens on the
emotional level is what matters.
Ourspendingtimetogetherinacommonpursuitcommunicatesthat
we care about each other, that we enjoy being
witheachother,thatweliketodothingstogether.
QUALITYCONVERSATION
Like words of affirmation, the language of quality timealso
has many dialects. One of the most common dialectsis that of
quality conversation. By quality conversation, Imean
sympathetic dialogue where two individuals
aresharingtheirexperiences,thoughts,feelings,anddesiresin

a friendly, uninterrupted context. Most individuals
whocomplain that their spouse does not talk do not
meanliterallythatheorsheneversaysaword.Theymeanthatheorshes
eldomtakespartinsympatheticdialogue.Ifyourspouse’s primary
love language is quality time,
suchdialogueiscrucialtohisorheremotionalsenseofbeingloved.
Qualityconversationisquitedifferentfromthe
firstlovelanguage. Words of affirmation focus on what we
aresaying, whereas quality conversation focuses on what
weare hearing. If I am sharing my love for you by means
ofquality time and we are going to spend that time
inconversation, it means I will focus on drawing you
out,listening sympathetically to what you have to say. I will
askquestions,notinabadgeringmannerbutwithagenuinedesireto
understandyourthoughts,feelings,anddesires.
I met Patrick when he was forty-three and had beenmarried
for seventeen years. I remember him because hisfirst words were
so dramatic. He sat in the leather chair inmy office and after
briefly introducing himself, he leanedforward and said with
great emotion, “Dr. Chapman, I havebeenafool,arealfool.”
“Whathasledyoutothatconclusion?”Iasked.
“I’ve been married for seventeen years,” he said,
“andmywifehasleftme.NowIrealizewhatafoolI’vebeen.”

I repeated my original question, “In what way have
youbeenafool?”
“My wife would come home from work and tell
meabout the problems in her office. I would listen to her
andthen tell her what I thought she should do. I always gave
heradvice. I told her she had to confront the
problem.‘Problems don’t go away. You have to talk with the
peopleinvolved or your supervisor. You have to deal
withproblems.’ The next day she would come home from
workandtellmeaboutthesameproblems.Iwouldaskherifshedid
what I had suggested the day before. She would
shakeherheadandsayno.SoI’drepeatmyadvice.Itoldherthatwas the
way to deal with the situation. She would comehome the next
day and tell me about the same problems.Again I would ask
her if she had done what I
hadsuggested.Shewouldshakeherheadandsayno.
“After three or four nights of that, I would get angry.
Iwouldtellhernottoexpectanysympathyfrommeifshewasn’t
willing to take the advice I was giving her. She didn’thave to
live under that kind of stress and pressure. Shecould solve the
problem if she would simply do what I toldher. It hurt me to see
her living under such stress because Iknew she didn’t have to.
The next time she’d bring up theproblem, I would say, ‘I don’t
want to hear about it. I’ve toldyou what you need to do. If you’re
not going to listen to myadvice,Idon’twanttohearit.’

Manyofus…aretrainedtoanalyzeproblemsandcreatesolu
tions.Weforgetthatmarriageisarelationship,notaprojectto
becompletedoraproblemtosolve.
“I would withdraw and go about my business. What afool I
was,” he said, “what a fool! Now I realize that shedidn’t want
advice when she told me about her struggles
atwork.Shewantedsympathy.Shewantedmetolisten,togiveheratt
ention,toletherknowthatIcouldunderstandthehurt, the stress, the
pressure. She wanted to know that Iloved her and that I was
with her. She didn’t want advice;she just wanted to know that I
understood. But I never triedto understand. I was too busy
giving advice. What a fool.Andnowsheis
gone.Whycan’tyouseethesethings
whenyouaregoingthroughthem?”heasked.“Iwasblindtowhatwasgo
ingon.OnlynowdoIunderstandhowIfailedher.”
Patrick’swifehadbeenpleadingforqualityconversation.
Emotionally, she longed for him to focus attention onher
by listening to her pain and frustration. Patrick was
notfocusingonlisteningbutonspeaking.Helistenedonlylongenough
to hear the problem and formulate a solution. Hedidn’t listen
long enough or well enough to hear her cry
forsupportandunderstanding.
Many of us are like Patrick. We are trained to
analyzeproblemsandcreatesolutions.Weforgetthatmarriageis

a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problemto
solve. A relationship calls for sympathetic listening with aview to
understanding the other person’s thoughts, feelings,and desires.
We must be willing to give advice but onlywhen it is
requested and never in a condescendingmanner. Most of us
have little training in listening. We arefar more efficient in
thinking and speaking. Learning
tolistenmaybeasdifficultaslearningaforeignlanguage,butlearn we
must, if we want to communicate love. That isespecially true
if your spouse’s primary love language isqualitytimeandhis
orherdialectis
qualityconversation.Fortunately,numerousbooksandarticleshave
beenwrittenon developing the art of listening. I will not seek to
repeatwhat is written elsewhere but suggest the
followingsummaryofpracticaltips.
1 . Maintaineyecontactwhenyourspouseistalking.
That keeps your mind from wandering
andcommunicatesthathe/shehasyourfullattention.
2 . Don’t listen to your spouse and do
somethingelse at the same time. Remember,
quality time isgiving someone your undivided attention.
If you arewatching,reading,ordoing somethingelse
inwhichyou are keenly interested and cannot turn
fromimmediately, tell your spouse the truth. A
positiveapproach might be, “I know you are trying to talk
to meandI’minterested,butIwanttogiveyoumyfull

attention. I can’t do that right now, but if you will giveme
ten minutes to finish this, I’ll sit down and listen
toyou.”Mostspouseswillrespectsucharequest.
3.Listenforfeelings.Askyourself,“Whatemotionismyspo
useexperiencing?”Whenyouthink
youhavetheanswer,confirmit.Forexample,“Itsoundstomeli
keyouarefeelingdisappointedbecauseIforgot
.” That gives him the chance to clarify
hisfeelings. It also communicates that you are
listeningintentlytowhatheissaying.
4 . Observebodylanguage.Clenchedfists,trembling
hands, tears, furrowed brows, and eyemovement may
give you clues as to what the other
isfeeling.Sometimesbodylanguagespeaksonemessagewh
ilewordsspeakanother. Askforclarification to make sure
you know what she is reallythinkingandfeeling.
5 . Refusetointerrupt.Recentresearchhasindicated that
the average individual listens for onlyseventeen seconds
before interrupting and
interjectinghisownideas.IfIgiveyoumyundividedattentionwhi
leyou are talking, I will refrain from defending myself
orhurling accusations at you or dogmatically stating
myposition. My goal is to discover your thoughts
andfeelings.Myobjectiveisnottodefendmyselfor toset

youstraight.Itistounderstandyou.
LEARNINGTOTALK
Quality conversation requires not only
sympatheticlistening but also self-revelation. When a wife says,
“I wishmy husband would talk. I never know what he’s thinking
orfeeling,” she is pleading for intimacy. She wants to
feelclose to her husband, but how can she feel close
tosomeone whom she doesn’t know? In order for her to
feelloved,hemustlearntorevealhimself.Ifherprimarylovelangua
ge is quality time and her dialect is qualityconversation, her
emotional love tank will never be
filleduntilhetellsherhisthoughtsandfeelings.
Ifyouneedtolearnthelanguageofqualityconversation,begin
bynotingtheemotionsyoufeelawayfromhome.
Self-revelation does not come easy for some of us.Many
adults grew up in homes where the expression ofthoughts and
feelings was not encouraged but condemned.To request a toy
was to receive a lecture on the sad stateof family finances. The
child went away feeling guilty forhaving the desire, and he
quickly learned not to express hisdesires. When he expressed
anger, the parents
respondedwithharshandcondemningwords.Thus,thechildlearned

thatexpressingangryfeelingsisnotappropriate.Ifthechildwasmadet
o feelguiltyforexpressing disappointmentatnot being able to go
to the store with his father, he learnedto hold his
disappointment inside. By the time we reachadulthood, many
of us have learned to deny our
feelings.Wearenolongerintouchwithouremotionalselves.
Awifesaysto herhusband,“Howdidyoufeelaboutwhat Don
did?” And the husband responds, “I think he waswrong. He
should have—” but he is not telling her
hisfeelings.Heisvoicinghisthoughts.Perhapshehasreasonto feel
angry, hurt, or disappointed, but he has lived so
longintheworldofthoughtthathedoesnotacknowledgehisfeeling
s. When he decides to learn the language of qualityconversation,
it will be like learning a foreign language. Theplace to begin is
by getting in touch with his
feelings,becomingawarethatheisanemotionalcreatureinspiteofth
efactthathehasdeniedthatpartofhislife.
Ifyouneedtolearnthelanguageofqualityconversation,
begin by noting the emotions you feel awayfrom home. Carry a
small notepad and keep it with youdaily. Three times each
day, ask yourself, “What
emotionshaveIfeltinthelastthreehours?WhatdidIfeelonthewayto
work when the driver behind me was riding my bumper?What
did I feel when I stopped at the gas station and
theautomaticpumpdidnotshutoffandthesideofthecarwascovered
with gas? What did I feel when I got to the officeand found
that my secretary had been assigned to
aspecialworkprojectforthemorning?WhatdidIfeelwhen

mysupervisortoldmethattheprojectIwas working onhadto be
completed in three days when I thought I had anothertwoweeks?”
Write down your feelings in the notepad and a word ortwo
to help you remember the event corresponding to
thefeeling.Yourlistmaylooklikethis:
EVENT FEELINGS
• tailgater •angry
• gasstation • veryupset
• nosecretary •disappointed
• workprojectdueinthreedays• frustratedandanxious
Do that exercise three times a day, and you
willdevelopanawareness ofyouremotionalnature.Using
yournotepad,communicateyouremotionsandtheeventsbrieflywith
your spouse as many days as possible. In a fewweeks, you
will become comfortable expressing youremotions with him
or her. And eventually you will
feelcomfortablediscussingyouremotionstowardyourspouse,the
children, and events that occur within the home.Remember,
emotions themselves are neither good norbad.Theyare
simplyourpsychologicalresponsesto theeventsoflife.

Basedonourthoughtsandemotions,weeventuallymake decisions.
When the tailgater was following you on thehighway and
you felt angry, perhaps you had thesethoughts: I wish he
would lay off; I wish he would pass
me;ifIthoughtIwouldn’tgetcaught,I’dpresstheacceleratora
nd leave him in the twilight; I should slam on my
brakesand let his insurance company buy me a newcar;
maybeI’llpullofftheroadandlethimpass.
Eventually,youmadesomedecisionortheotherdriverbacked
off,turned,orpassed you,and youarrivedsafelyatwork. In each of
life’s events, we have emotions, thoughts,desires, and eventually
actions. It is the expression of thatprocess that we call self-
revelation. If you choose to learnthe love dialect of quality
conversation, that is the learningroadyoumustfollow.
PERSONALITYTYPES
Not all of us are out of touch with our emotions,
butwhen it comes to talking, all of us are affected by
ourpersonality. I have observed two basic personality
types.ThefirstIcallthe“DeadSea.”InthelittlenationofIsrael,theSea
of Galilee flows south by way of the Jordan River
intotheDeadSea.TheDeadSeagoesnowhere.Itreceivesbutitdoes
notgive.Thispersonalitytypereceivesmanyexperiences,emotion
s,andthoughtsthroughouttheday.

They have a large reservoir where they store
thatinformation, and they are perfectly happy not to talk. If
yousay to a Dead Sea personality, “What’s wrong? Why
aren’tyou talking tonight?” he will probably answer,
“Nothing’swrong. What makes you think something’s
wrong?” Andthat response is perfectly honest. He is content not
to talk.He could drive from Chicago to Detroit and never say
awordandbeperfectlyhappy.
On the other extreme is the “Babbling Brook.” For
thispersonality, whatever enters into the eye gate or the
eargate comes out the mouth gate and there are seldom
sixtyseconds between the two. Whatever they see,
whatevertheyhear,theytell.Infactifnooneisathometotalkto,theywill
call someone else. “Do you know what I saw? Do youknow
what I heard?” If they can’t get someone on thetelephone,
they may talk to themselves because they haveno reservoir.
Many times a Dead Sea marries a BabblingBrook. That happens
because when they are dating, it is averyattractivematch.
One way to learn newpatterns is to establish a
dailysharingtimeinwhicheachofyouwilltalkaboutthreet
hingsthathappenedtoyouthatdayandhowyoufeelabou
tthem.
Ifyouare aDead Sea and youdate a Babbling Brook,

you will have a wonderful evening. You don’t have to
think,“How will I get the conversation started tonight? How will
Ikeep the conversation flowing?” In fact, you don’t have
tothink at all. All you have to do is nod your head and
say,“Uh-huh,” and she will fill up the whole evening and you
willgo home saying, “What a wonderful person.” On the
otherhand, if you are a Babbling Brook and you date a
DeadSea, you will have an equally wonderful evening
becauseDead Seas are the world’s best listeners. You will
babblefor three hours. He will listen intently to you, and you will
gohome saying, “What a wonderful person.” You attract
eachother. But five years after marriage, the Babbling
Brookwakes up one morning and says, “We’ve been married
fiveyears, and I don’t know him.” The Dead Sea is saying,
“Iknow her too well. I wish she would stop the flow and giveme
a break.” The good news is that Dead Seas can learnto talk and
Babbling Brooks can learn to listen. We
areinfluencedbyourpersonalitybutnotcontrolledbyit.
Onewaytolearnnewpatterns isto establisha
dailysharingtimeinwhicheachofyouwilltalkaboutthreethingsthath
appened toyouthatdayandhowyoufeelaboutthem.I call that the
“Minimum Daily Requirement” for a
healthymarriage.Ifyouwillstartwiththe dailyminimum,ina
fewweeks or months you may find quality conversation
flowingmorefreelybetweenyou.
QUALITYACTIVITIES

Inadditiontothebasiclovelanguageofqualitytime,orgiving
your spouse your undivided attention, is anotherdialect called
quality activities. At a recent marriageseminar, I asked
couples to complete the
followingsentence:“Ifeelmostlovedbymyhusband/wifewhen
.”Hereistheresponseofatwenty-nine-year-oldhusband
who has been married for eight years: “I feel mostloved
bymywifewhenwedothingstogether,thingsIliketodoandthingsshel
ikestodo.Wetalkmore.Itsortafeelslike we are dating again.”
That is a typical response ofindividuals whose primary love
language is quality time.The emphasis is on being together,
doing things together,givingeachotherundividedattention.
Quality activities may include anything in which one
orboth of you have an interest. The emphasis is not on
whatyouaredoingbutonwhyyouaredoingit.Thepurposeistoexperie
nce something together, to walk away from it
feeling“Hecaresaboutme.Hewaswillingtodosomethingwithmet
hatIenjoy,andhediditwithapositiveattitude.”Thatislove,andforsom
epeopleitislove’sloudestvoice.
Traciegrewupwiththesymphony.Throughouther childhood, the
house was filled with classical music. Atleast once a year,
she accompanied her parents to
thesymphony.Larry,ontheotherhand,grewup
oncountryandwesternmusic.Heneveractuallyattendedaconcert,b
ut

the radio was always on, tuned to the country station.
Thesymphony he called elevator music. Had he not
marriedTracie,hecouldhavelivedhislifewithouteverattendingth
e symphony. Before they were married, while he was stillin the
obsessed state of being in love, he went to thesymphony.
But even in his euphoric emotional state, hisattitude was, “You
call this stuff music?” After marriage,
thatwasoneexperienceheneverexpectedtorepeat.When,however,
he discovered several years later that quality timewas Tracie’s
primary love language and that she especiallyliked the dialect of
quality activities and that attending thesymphony was one of
those activities, he chose to go withan enthusiastic spirit. His
purpose was clear. It was not toattend the symphony but to love
Tracie and to speak herlanguage loudly. In time, he did come
to appreciate thesymphony and even occasionally to enjoy a
movement ortwo. He may never become a symphony lover, but
he hasbecomeproficientatlovingTracie.
Qualityactivitiesmayincludesuchactivitiesasputtingin a garden,
visiting flea markets, shopping for antiques,listening to music,
picnicking together, taking long walks, orwashing the car
together on a hot summer day. Theactivities are limited only
by your interest and willingness totry new experiences. The
essential ingredients in a
qualityactivityare:(1)atleastoneofyouwantstodoit,(2)the

otheriswillingtodoit,(3)bothofyouknowwhyyouaredoingit—
toexpresslovebybeingtogether.
One of the by-products of quality activities is that
theyprovide a memory bank from which to draw in the
yearsahead. Fortunate is the couple who remembers an
earlymorning stroll along the coast, the spring they planted
theflower garden, the time they got poison ivy chasing
therabbit through the woods, the night they attended their
firstmajor league baseball game together, the one and
onlytime they went skiing together and he broke his leg,
theamusement parks, the concerts, the cathedrals, and oh,yes,
the awe of standing beneath the waterfall after the two-mile hike.
They can almost feel the mist as they remember.Those are
memories of love, especially for the
personwhoseprimarylovelanguageisqualitytime.
And where do we find time for such
activities,especially if both of us have vocations outside the
home?We make time just as we make time for lunch and
dinner.Why? Because it is just as essential to our marriage
asmealsaretoourhealth.Isitdifficult?Doesittakecarefulplanning
? Yes. Does it mean we have to give up
someindividualactivities? Perhaps.Doesitmeanwedo
somethings we don’t particularly enjoy? Certainly. Is it worth
it?Without a doubt. What’s in it for me? The pleasure of
livingwith a spouse who feels loved and knowing that I
havelearnedtospeakhisorherlovelanguagefluently.
A personal word of thanks to Bill and Betty Jo in
LittleRock,whotaughtmethevalueoflovelanguagenumber

one, Words of Affirmation, and love language number
two,Quality Time. Now, it’s on to Chicago and love
languagenumberthree.
Ifyourspouse’slovelanguageisQuality Time:
1. Takeawalktogetherthroughtheoldneighborhood
where one of you grew up. Askquestions about your
spouse’s childhood. Ask, “Whatare the fun memories of
your childhood?” Then,
“Whatwasmostpainfulaboutyourchildhood?”
2. Goto the cityparkandrentbicycles.Rideuntilyou are
tired, then sit and watch the ducks. When youget tired of
the quacks, roll on to the rose
garden.Learneachother’sfavoritecolorofroseandwhy.(Ifth
e bikes are too much, take turns pulling each other
inalittleredwagon.)
3. In the spring or summer make a
luncheonappointment with your spouse. Meet him and
drive tothe local cemetery. Spread your tablecloth and
eatyour sandwiches and thank God that you are still
alive.Share with each other one thing you would like to
dobeforeyoudie.
4. Askyourspouseforalist offiveactivitiesthathe

would enjoy doing with you. Make plans to do one
ofthemeachmonthforthenextfivemonths.Ifmoneyisaproblem,
space the freebies between the “we
can’taffordthis”events.
5. Ask your spouse where she most enjoys
sittingwhen talking with you. The next week, call her
oneafternoonandsay,“Iwanttomakeadatewithyouoneevening
thisweekto sitonthe yellowsofa and talk.Which night
and what time would be best for
you?”(Don’tsay“yellowsofa”ifherfavoriteplaceisintheJa
cuzzi!)
6. Think of an activity your spouse enjoys, but
whichbrings little pleasure to you: football, symphony,
jazzconcert, or TV sleeping. Tell your spouse that you
aretrying to broaden your horizons and would like to
joinherinthisactivitysometimethismonth.Setadateandgive it
your best effort. Ask questions about the
activityatbreaktimes.
7. Planaweekend getawayjustforthe two
ofyousometime within the next six months. Be sure it is
aweekend when you won’t have to call the office or
turnontheTVforareporteverythirtyminutes.Focus
onrelaxingtogetherdoingwhatoneorbothofyouenjoy.
8. Maketimeeverydaytosharewitheachother

some of the events of the day. When you spend moretime
watching the news than you do listening to eachother, you
end up more concerned about Bosnia thanaboutyourspouse.
9. Have a “Let’s review our history” evening
onceeverythreemonths.Setasideanhourtofocus
onyourhistory. Select five questions each of you will
answer,suchas:
(1) Whowasyourbestandworstteacherinschoolandwhy?
(2) Whendidyoufeelyourparentswereproudofyou?
(3) Whatistheworstmistakeyourmotherevermade?
(4) Whatistheworstmistakeyourfatherevermade?
(5) Whatdoyourememberaboutthereligiousaspectofyourchil
dhood?
Each evening, agree on your five questionsbefore
you begin your sharing. At the end of the fivequestions,
stop and decide upon the five
questionsyouwillasknexttime.
10. Camp out by the fireplace (or an orange
lamp).Spread your blankets and pillows on the floor. Get
yourPepsi and popcorn. Pretend the TV is broken and
talklikeyouusedtowhenyouweredating. Talktillthesun

5 love languages

Recommended

Recommended

More Related Content

Similar to 5 love languages

Similar to 5 love languages (8)

Recently uploaded

Recently uploaded (20)

5 love languages