4. Last week, our lovely daughter, Leela turns one.
Lest this moment dissolve into clichés—
“becoming a father is the most amazing thing that
ever happened to me”, “I don’t know how this year
flew by” etc., I wanted to record my honest view
both so I can remember it many years later and
also, perhaps in my own little way, help other
artists who are making a decision about having
kids
5. A quick background first. I’m not a kid-lover—think
of me as the grumpy old uncle who doesn’t really
know how/what to talk to kids about—but I always
knew I wanted kids, perhaps due to my Indian
cultural conditioning, perhaps because in some
hidden recess of my heart, I have some paternal
instinct. But in the last two-three years before
having Leela, I was starting to have a little doubt. -
6. Those were my most productive years as a writer;
my wife, Kerry and I had just completed a
sabbatical traveling the world and had enjoyed
every moment of our unencumbered existence;
and I was getting deeper into Eastern mysticism
which doesn’t view earthly attachments favorably
to say the least.
7. In short, life seemed very full and joyful, an
antithesis to the weariness and anxiety I thought I
saw in most parents’ faces. Yet we leaned in and
had a child (and will likely have more).
Somewhere intuitively it felt like the right thing to
do.
8. And it was—for us! But it may not be for you,
which is 100% fine. One year later, here is a
balanced view of my feelings about having a baby
through the lens of someone who like many of us,
is juggling a corporate career, art, and family
9. It’s an amazing experience—but so are
other exceptional experiences.
I’ve had moments of pure rapture in being with my
daughter. The first time she gave a discernible
smile, when she laughs a hearty laugh, the day
she started crawling etc. But I’ve also felt the
same feeling suddenly in the middle of climbing in
the
10. Himalayas or writing a particularly inspired scene
in one of my novels or even engaged in a deep
conversation with a Slovenian Krishna-bhakt in a
Bulgarian hostel, all moments where the sense of
self dissolves completely and you know that
there’s just this moment you want to be in and no
other.
11. I think our culture has over-hyped that motherhood/
fatherhood is the only experience through which you
become completely selfless and hence, joyful. If
you’re a person who’s committed to constantly
12. growing and pushing your boundaries, who knows
that there’s no end-point and the journey itself is
the destination, you end up with more and more
moments of pure being without intent to become.
You don’t necessarily need to have a kid to
experience that dissolution of ego.
13. Your dreams don’t change.
“Wait till you have kids”—I’d heard this phrase so
many times before having Leela, the general idea
being that after you have kids, your life will revolve
solely around making more money so that you can
buy a big house, put your child in the best
14. schools, and work towards getting them into
Harvard. Not true at all. Before Leela, I wanted to
write a novel that would meaningfully change the
lives of my readers. After Leela, I worked harder
than ever to write that novel. Before Leela, we
wanted to construct a life where we could work in
an orphanage for three months every year.
15. After Leela, we want to do that with our kids. You
get the point. If your thinking if off-the-beaten-path
before having kids, it won’t become mainstream
after. If anything
16. I’ve become even more conscious of my sense of
legacy and becoming a person who’s living a life
completely of his choosing after my daughter’s
birth so that my life can be some sort of example
for her.
17. You become more productive
For me, this was the greatest surprise of having a
baby. I’d expected that I’d have very little time left
over for writing between a job and child care.
Instead, I found more time to write than ever
before. Of course, there are sleepless nights and
time
18. spent in taking care of the baby, but there’s also a
complete elimination of spontaneous dinner plans,
impromptu weekend getaways, and random movie
nights. And it’s not as bad as it sounds! Quickly
enough after having a baby, you learn that having
an extraordinary sense of routine is one of the
best ways to master parenting.
19. Knowing that you’ll be home from at-least 7p.m.
to 7a.m. every day has allowed me to carve a
chunk for writing on a consistent basis. Without
the baby, our time was more flexible—and
perhaps that’s why we never valued it enough. -
20. Waiting to make some money may be a
good idea
We had Leela when we were in our early-mid 30’s
so we were reasonably placed in our careers. This
allowed using baby-sitters on weekends from
time-to-time which allows more time to fit in work
and art.
21. I think money does buy you a little space in child-
care though I realize that everyone may not have
that option.
22. but not necessarily!
If I’ve learnt anything in the last year, it’s that if
you have a strong sense of who you are, the baby
fits into your life rather than you having to change
your life to fit the baby. We had Leela when we
were both changing careers, moving to a new city,
trying to re-build our savings after our sabbatical,
23. working to get book deals and later launching our
novels, life was filled beyond capacity. But Leela
just kind of fit in—and quite well too. I think life just
stretches to accommodate your ambitions. The
only imperative is to know where you want to go
and that doesn’t change whether you have kids or
not!
24. I’m sure I’ll learn more and re-visit the above as
Leela gets older and (if) we have more kids. But
until then, no regrets so far at all. Oh, and if you
enjoyed this article, don’t forget to sign up to
receive the free preview of THE YOGA OF MAX’S
DISCONTENT, published
25. by Penguin Random House US (called The
Seeker in India), dedicated to Leela! You can also
get my free meditation video course and peak
performance nutrition supplement when you sign
up here.
