This paper describes in some detail a conflict I had with a co-worker in El Salvador and how we resolved it.

1. I DID IT MY WAY
by
Lisa Anderson-Umana
BS Penn State University, 1982
Master’s in Educational Ministries, Wheaton College Graduate School, 1994
PRE-CLASS ASSIGNMENT—A RELATIONAL BREAKDOWN
Submitted to the faculty
in partial fulfillment of the requirements
for the degree of
Doctor of Philosophy
in Educational Studies
at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School
Deerfield, Illinois
December 2007

3. CONTENTS
I DID IT MY WAY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1
The incident. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1
“Carefronting” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2
Her perspective-My perspective. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
The core issue. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4
The reconciliation process . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4
REFERENCES . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6
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4. I DID IT MY WAY
Just like the lyrics to that familiar tune, we both wanted it our way. Rixy
Leiva, a resident of El Salvador, and I are both of similar temperament: drivers, Type A or
cholerics. Here’s a snippet of our conversation to illustrate the point.
The incident
I toss the hand-typed schedule on the table (a major cultural offense to kick
off our first round), “Rixy, I cannot believe you have programmed this workshop for just two
days time, you were with me in Honduras when we took a four-day long weekend and were
barely able to accomplish our teaching goals. How do you propose to accomplish the same
goals in significantly less time?”
Rixy digs in her heels and puts on her “boxing gloves”, ready to enter the ring,
she replies, “I went through the entire schedule that we had taught together last year and can
assure you that all the salient aspects have been integrated into this new schedule. I realize it
is a short weekend but we have no other option. The brochures have been sent out and
arrangements with the camp made so we cannot change them.”
I glanced around at the others gathered around the table, who were smiling. I
assumed I had their support so I charged on, going head to head with Rixy discussing each
point, waxing eloquent on the rationale behind each of the sections pertaining to this training
of low ropes course facilitators. On and on we went, each defending her point. Soon the
others left the table to place their orders for more chicken and soft drinks. After a while,
Rixy went into retreat and I could not get her to further discuss the issues, she conceded that I
was after all “the expert” but even so the dates and time frame could not be changed.
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I tried to get the rest of the team members to concur with my perspective and
did so to varying degrees but mostly they remained on the sidelines.
The evening was warm as we pushed open the exit doors of Burger King. We
had moved on to discuss other subjects. Rixy and I had smiled at each other. But, I felt a
chill in the air. I left the restaurant ill at ease, convinced that I was right but sensing
something was wrong.
The next morning I succeeded in getting a hold of Rixy, she came over to our
mutual friend’s house to say good-bye since I was to return to Honduras the next afternoon. I
pursued her with further questions, trying to get her perspective on the incident the night
before but she would not budge. If I wanted to talk about it anymore, I would have to take
the initiative and send her a cassette first. This was the way we had kept in touch for the last
twelve years, ever since I lived in El Salvador in 1993 and left in 1995. She promised to
respond and I left with a heavy heart.
“Carefronting”
Little did I know that this “incident” would serve me well in Duane Elmer’s
class on Cross-cultural conflict. Elmer (1993, 43) describes a direct approach to resolving
conflict that served us very well to “carefront” each other. The following pages will detail
how each of us perceived the conflict, what the core issue was, what values were threatened
in our conflict and how we resolved it.
The incident took place in El Salvador in March of this year. Given the fact
that we live in different countries, we used an indirect means of communicating. As per our
agreement four months later I sent a cassette to her, to which she responded with a letter
since her tape player was broken! I replied to her letter with another tape which she answered

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again with a letter, shortly thereafter she arrived to my home in Honduras for a face to face
visit. She was on her way to a neighboring city to teach a Precept on Precept course for
Inductive Bible Study so we were both delighted to take advantage of a short visit prior to
her engagement.
One of the core values we both share is a strong commitment to preserve the
relationship. Even though we are both task drivers, over the years we have enjoyed
combining efforts to dispassionately analyze many issues related to our ministries, families
and personal lives. We were bound and determined to reason with one another, separating
the issue of the training schedule from the relational issue in play. Our goal was two fold, let
us understand what happened as well as further strengthen the gift God has given us: our
friendship.
Her perspective—My perspective
Rixy perceived the problem to be one of temperaments. She is a licensed
psychologist and is very familiar with Tim LaHaye’s four temperaments (sanguine,
melancholy, choleric, phlegmatic). In her mind since I was choleric, my inclination was to
control. Her perspective was not so much that I was a North American and she was a
Salvadorian, but that I was Lisa Anderson-Umana, a choleric. I had a position and I would
not be moved from it. To a smaller degree, when pressed, she did concede that the fact that
since we were arguing over time and schedule, she wondered if our different orientations to
time was a factor (event vs. clock).
I perceived the problem to be one of cultural differences. I do not know if it
was the phenomenon of studying something and then becoming more aware of its presence
that made me perceive the issue to be more cultural in nature but initially I attributed our

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breakdown to her natural resistance to “Yankee imperialism” and imposition. During the
civil war in El Salvador she had been a “sympathesizer” of the Left which had been
something we had consistently had to dance around, so she was sensitive to any sense of
imposition. My image of her was that of a donkey digging in its heels, determined not to
budge under pressure. Unfortunately, I connected a previous power struggle I had had with
her plus my inside knowledge of several incidents she had had with co-workers to draw a
firm conclusion in my mind that she was just being stubborn and incompliant with me.
The core issue
The core issue in our conflict, we both concurred was a power struggle. We
both wanted our way. I had used a very direct, confrontational approach, seeking her loss and
my gain in our argument regarding what the teaching format should be. The breakdown
occured and our values were threatened when several things took place. First, it got personal
when she saw me search the faces of the rest of team for approval, seeking their approval of
my posture. Her secondary temperament is melancholy. So, she felt ashamed and humiliated.
I felt the breakdown occur when she was in full retreat and she made a
comment like: “Well, you are the expert, I mean, you are getting your Ph.D….” When I
heard that comment I was faced with the real possibility that I was indeed coming off as
arrogant and know-it-all. I distinctly remember feeling like it stopped being just an argument
and was actually threatening our treasured friendship.
The process of reconciliation
Seven months later, when she arrived at our home, we spent a number of
hours reviewing the eight different conflict resolutions methods in Elmer’s book (1993). I
translated the highlights and we read the Biblical passages supporting each approach. Given

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her fascination and love for God’s word and for learning new things, it proved to be a good
bonding experience, and we both commented on the importance of making “regular deposits”
to our friendship account, since when conflict came, we would have enough balance to cover
the withdrawals.
As we communicated late into the night, God’s Spirit convicted me. I became
acutely aware of how much my own carnal nature played a key role, if not a primary role, in
our conflict.
God began to remind me of incidences of my insensitivity, like when I tossed
down the schedule of the table, I was demonstrating a lack of respect for her labor. She had
commented that she had gone through each and every section of the master teaching agenda,
carefully retyping each segment into the time frame that was available to them and yet I
showed no affirmation or appreciation for that painstaking labor. When she shared her heart
she explained that she felt bad because the rest of the group did not support her, even though
they had all worked on it, she was left to “fight me alone.” The smiles I had perceived as
approval were rather embarrassment at the fact that they knew beforehand there would be a
confrontation and they chose to leave Rixy “battle” by herself.
I started to cry. I felt ashamed by my behavior. It was not very “pilgrim” of
me indeed. I had hurt their feelings and created a reputation for myself as being “hard to
confront.” I asked forgiveness for each aspect God brought to mind. She asked for
forgiveness as well for closing down and withdrawing. We discussed in detail how we
should have approached the issue and each other for future reference. We both affirmed how
God’s power is perfected in our weaknesses, praying together. We spent the remainder of our
visit celebrating God’s gift of friendship.

9. REFERENCES
Elmer, Duane. 1993. Cross-culural conflict: Building relationships for effective ministry.
Downers Grove, Ill.: InterVarsity Press.
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