Early developmental factors that pre-determine who we are romantically attracted to and with whom we ultimately choose to be. The narcissistic-codependent bond is only one example of a broader, and more insidious, concept: the human mind is programmed to seek out the “familiar,” no matter how unhealthy, across the lifespan. This notion has been widely supported by theorists in evolutionary psychology and the social sciences, but is not often emphasized when considering the problems of contemporary life. In this presentation, I outline why and how we seek to repeat the fundamental circumstances of early life in relationships, friendships, workplace settings, in our finance status, and in how we see and treat ourselves. While most of our early childhoods are relatively healthy, I will argue that a specific, fundamental trauma underlies each of our personalities and largely determines how our lives unfold. I will also share my ideas regarding how liberation from this pattern may occur.

1. James Tobin, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist, PSY 22074
www.jamestobinphd.com
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3.  It was determined!!
 This is different from “fate” (which implies
pre-determinism).
 Determinism is closer to the idea of,
“Everything happens for a reason.”
 Things do not happen randomly, as much as
we might wish to believe that it is the case.
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4.  The work of Ross Rosenberg demonstrates
the magnetic connection between the
narcissist and the codependent.
 The bond is pursued no matter how drama-
filled and painful it is.
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7.  Freud was the first to realize this; as early as
the 1890s, he theorized that our rational,
thinking mind is relatively small/powerless in
comparison to the strong motivational
influence of the unconscious.
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 They realize/see the “bad choices” they are
making, but they seemingly can’t do anything
about it.
 They often talk about this in terms of
patterns, i.e., “I date the same wrong man (or
woman) over and over, but no matter how
hard I try I seem to find him/her again
despite my best efforts not to.”

9.  The reason why this is so common is due to
the dominance in our minds of the
unconscious programming that literally takes
away our free will.
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10. 10
 This unconscious programming is our
software: it is not only the operating system
of ours minds and hearts, but also everything
that happens to us – it literally determines
our experience.

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14.  The mind forms at the moment relational
trauma occurs, i.e., the infant does not have
his/her needs met immediately and perfectly.
 Human existence is trauma-based.
 Once trauma occurs, the mind begins to
develop.
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15.  As relational traumas occur, the “ego” is
activated and begins its lifetime job of
producing adaptations/defenses.
 The ego is a product of evolution: it is in
place to promote our survival and our
capacity to adapt to the demands of reality.
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16.  The adaptive instinct is so powerful that you
can think of the ego as the strongest muscle
of the mind.
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17.  As the child grows, the ego continues to
mature in its capacity to adapt to REALITY
(e.g., which consist largely of relational
traumas).
 Ideally, the demands of reality will not be too
great and also will not be too weak/too
diluted, thus allowing the ego to mature in a
reasonable fashion.
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18.  The child has to adapt to the mother .... the
ego is tilted or oriented around appealing to
her (as much as possible) so that the child’s
needs are met.
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19.  The child “reads” mother and adjusts/adapts
to her by compromising the self -- the child
becomes something it is not (this in
inevitable in all of us).
 The compromise of the self occurs to a
greater or lesser degree, depending on the
characteristics of mother and child, the
dynamic between them, and the relational
traumas that occur.
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20.  As personality evolves into adolescence and
young adulthood, the self coalesces into
three parts:
(1) the compromised (“false”) self;
(2) the non-compromised (“true”) self;
(3) the part of the true self that was not
given the opportunity to develop (“the lost
self”).
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21.  The False Self
 The True Self
 The Lost Self
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22.  The evolutionary (survival) genes in our DNA
are so strong that we are programmed to
adapt (the compromised, false self is
activated) over and over again, resulting in
the false self becoming habituated.
 The compromised (false) self centers around
a major traumatic relational theme.
 The false is stronger and predominates over
the true and the lost parts of the self.
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23. #1) Our compromised (false) self assumes that
relational trauma will occur (often
erroneously) and, due to this fear, the false
self is perpetually activated even when it is
not needed.
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24.  Kim Bassinger’s character finally arrives at the
home of a painter; she sits next to him on a
bench as he is examining a fish he just
caught ... she tells him his paintings are
beautiful because they somehow capture a
moment; he responds: “It is the moment, a
thing that is so familiar, it is strange.”
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25. #2) The adaptations habitually generated by
the false self are not flexible – every real or
imaginary trauma is approached in the same
way.
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26.  During childhood, Cindy is shamed by her
mother when she expresses her needs (her
mother yells at her or ignores her when
Cindy’s needs become too taxing for the
mother) .... this occurs over and over again
and is the relational trauma that defines
Cindy’s life.
 As an adult, what will be Cindy’s False Self,
True Self, and Lost Self?
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27.  “My needs are too great, overwhelm others,
and are not even valid. I will make sure NOT
to express them anymore and will be
independent and not a bother.”
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28.  “I enjoy revealing what I need to another; I am
able to be honest and direct about what I
need and want.”
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29.  “When my needs are responded to, I feel
legitimized and loved and it makes me want
to share more of myself and also respond to
the needs of others.”
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30. 30

31.  Ron will be a lot like Cindy’s mother, i.e., easily
taxed at having to respond to Cindy’s needs.
 With the choice of Ron, Cindy repeats the
relational trauma that has defined her life (this is
a familiar relationship for her).
 There are many theories as to why this occurs,
including the strong press of the compromised
(false) self to continue to find familiar
circumstances to adapt to and the fear of the true
and lost selves being activated.
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32.  Bill is nothing like Cindy’s mother.
 With the choice of Bill, Cindy’s relational trauma
is not likely to be repeated.
 The compromised (false) self is de-activated and
the true and lost selves are activated, which
Cindy is not accustomed to.
 As a result, Cindy feels no chemistry or sexual
attraction toward Bill, or refuses to see him
anymore for any number of reasons.
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33.  Henry is not really all that similar to Cindy’s
mother, though he does share some qualities.
with her.
 With the choice of Henry, Cindy’s relational
trauma is not likely to be repeated and the
compromised self will begin to be de-activated.
 This is undesirable, so Cindy induces Henry to be
like her mother and treat her as the mother did –
and Henry does.
 Cindy’s relational trauma is re-created and
repeated, and so her compromised (false) self is
activated.
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34.  Early in life we adapt to the relational traumas we
are exposed to.
 The ego builds with each adaptation, as the true
and lost selves recede.
 The compromised (false) self is stronger and
more predominant than the true and lost selves.
 In adulthood, we are literally programmed to
adapt (to live with a compromised facade), and
when we are not adapting we feel uncomfortable
and exposed. We seek to adapt, even when we
don’t have to.
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35.  Adult life then amounts to an ongoing series
of circumstances in which we are adapting to
people and situations that are not inherently
traumatizing, and/or we are inducing people
or situations to traumatize us in ways that
our adaptations are accustomed to
addressing.
 Either way, relational trauma is repeated over
and over again.
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36. 36

37. The Mindful Brain: Reflection and Attunement in
the Cultivation of Well-Being
DANIEL J. SIEGEL
The Neuroscience of Human Relationships:
Attachment And the Developing Social Brain
LOUIS COZOLINO
The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and the
Treatment of Chronic Traumatization
ONNO VAN DER HART, ELLERT R. S. NIJENHUIS,
KATHY STEELE
37

38. Affect Regulation and the Repair of the Self &
Affect Dysregulation and Disorders of the Self
ALLAN N. SCHORE
Affect Dysregulation and Disorders of the Self
ALLAN N. SCHORE
Affect Regulation and the Repair of the Self
ALLAN N. SCHORE
Healing Trauma: Attachment, Mind, Body and Brain
DANIEL J. SIEGEL, MARION SOLOMON
38

39. Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection,
Disconnection, and Mutual Regulation in Couple Therapy
MARION SOLOMON, STAN TATKIN
The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy: Healing the Social Brain
LOUIS COZOLINO
From Axons to Identity: Neurological Explorations of the
Nature of the Self
TODD E. FEINBERG
Infant/Child Mental Health, Early Intervention, and
Relationship-Based Therapies: A Neurorelational
Framework for Interdisciplnary Practice
CONNIE LILLAS, JANIECE TURNBULL
39

40. Healing the Traumatized Self: Consciousness,
Neuroscience, Treatment
PAUL FREWEN, RUTH LANIUS, BESSEL VAN DER KOLK, ET
AL.
Neurobiologically Informed Trauma Therapy with
Children and Adolescents: Understanding
Mechanisms of Change
LINDA CHAPMAN
Loving with the Brain in Mind: Neurobiology and Couple
Therapy
MONA DEKOVEN FISHBANE, DANIEL J. SIEGEL
40

41. Body Sense: The Science and Practice of Embodied
Self-Awareness
ALAN FOGEL
The Archaeology of Mind: Neuroevolutionary
Origins of Human Emotions
JAAK PANKSEPP, LUCY BIVEN
Brain-Based Parenting: The Neuroscience of
Caregiving for Healthy Attachment
DANIEL A. HUGHES, JONATHAN BAYLIN, DANIEL J.
SIEGEL
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43.  Our brains and bodies put forth a series of
complex, nonverbal and unconscious
communications that are read by others.
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44.  We see something similar in the animal
kingdom, where the weakest animal in a pack
is sensed, identified and hunted (survival of
the fittest).
 In humans, it’s a bit different: the aura
promotes our survival by cuing others to
traumatize us so that we can maintain our
adaptations (conversely, if others were cued
to promote our true or lost selves, we would
be threatened and great anxiety would
ensue).
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45.  The patient is programmed to adapt (use a
facade or adapt to an actual or assumed
trauma) vs. have his/her true self or lost self
acknowledged.
 The therapist promotes the true and the lost
over the facade, just as a lover senses his/her
partner’s anxiety about living without trauma
(and preference for maintaining a
compromised/false self).
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46.  Our compromised (false) self must be
gradually reduced in intensity and power
(what has become so familiar is suddenly
strange).
 This occurs in part by discovering how we
falsely assume the potential to be injured and
also how we induce others (and are induced)
so that we end up becoming re-traumatized.
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47.  It also occurs by realizing the nature of our
relational traumas and how we managed
them at a primitive level.
 The aura of our relationally traumatic past
will never fully disappear so we must
understand in detail how people are likely to
“view” us.
 By doing this, there are ways to interfere with
the aura.
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48. James Tobin, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist PSY 22074
220 Newport Center Drive, Suite 1
Newport Beach, CA 92660
949-338-4388
Email: jt@jamestobinphd.com
Website: www.jamestobinphd.com