5. Introduction
Unspecified is a collection of poems based on my experiences
as an average 27-year-old Indian female from South Africa
trying to cope with the daily struggles of life while suffering
with depression. It is an honest and heartfelt account
which describes the battles I have had to fight within my
mind in an effort to maintain a level of sanity.
A simple disappointment can be turned instantly into a
reason for self hatred and loneliness. A breakup with a
boy I have known for a few days becomes an epic, world-
altering event.
Every word uttered to me is analysed in order to find
a hidden meaning in the hope that my next depressive
episode will for once have a reasonable explanation and a
person it can be directed towards so that I am absolved of
all blame. My poems express my feelings about events that
are considered to be a part of daily “normal” life but that
are negatively personified in my mind.
Beyond 'depression', the doctors don't even have a name for
the way I am; my official diagnosis is 'Unspecified' – because
my doctors aren't poets. But with depression comes
emptiness, anger, suffering, and hate, and I have used my
poetry to express these emotions, putting into words what
my doctors have never been able to understand.
I hope after reading my poetry you will feel a sense of
comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your sadness
or, alternatively, think I am just a selfish, crazy mental
patient who needs intense psychiatric help. Either way, read
it and enjoy.
-Yoshira Marbel
6.
7. My friend
At least I have my faithful friend
He never leaves my side
Lays next to me at night
Wraps his arms around me
Holding me tight
Can’t break away
He is here to stay
My dear friend
Pain
1
8. Left Behind
Lingering on my pure skin
The stink of your lying face
Regret and rage
self hate
and pain
Left behind
after my first time
A bleeding hand
And shards of a shattered mirror
Cracks on my face
Left behind
after your storm
Innocent baby girl
with pink shoes
and pretty little bows
now dirt
Left behind
After your touch
2
9. The End
Tumultuous, deadly waves
Crashing against the sand paper rocks
Closer and closer
It reaches over
Opens its arms
I feel a sense of calm
Lost in the waves
A blinding light
Reflecting
On my dark brown eyes
Patiently waiting
To take me away
Finally free
So let me be
3
10. Misunderstood
Misunderstood
Don’t judge me
Help me
Different
Not normal you say
Like the moon coming out in the day
I am the way I am
And don’t want to change
Not like you, you all the same
What happened to you
You used to be so nice
Secretly I was dying inside
4
11. Lost Soul
Trapped
Cold steel bars
Surrounded by grey, bare walls
Like an ragged old cart
Pulled through the field
Hours just dragging by
With no end in sight
Meaningless piece of paper
Staring back at me
Endless numbers placing me
In a hypnotic sleep
Just a drone
To the all powerful God
Sits in his diamond encrusted chariot
High above
Hitler incarnate
He gives us the gold
In exchange
Takes our souls.
5
14. Hollow Heart
Sadness has taken me captive
Whispers softly in my ear
Feel the end is near
Hollow heart
With a river of tears
Perfect smiles
To disguise the thoughts
Obsession or madness
The line now erased
The result is the same
Sadness
8
15. False Face
You see my laughs
You see my smiles
And you think I am alright
I say the things you want to hear
Just so I can be alone
Tired of faking
Tired of lying
Tired of pretending all is fine
So much time
Spent on my false face
Sad to say
Your humanly love
Really
Is killing me
9
16. Euphoria
An invisible sword
Piercing my flesh
A bloody high
Followed by peaceful bliss
Floating away
Desperate to feel again
Fleeting euphoria
Stolen
By reality
All that remains
Is a tiny scar
A memento from my heaven
10
18. Broken
I’m not normal
Just a disappointment
A broken shell
Piece me back together
Tiny cracks will always remain
I will never change
Accept me
This girl is here to stay
Shallow
Silent cries
Behind shallow smiles
Feeling alone
Sadness is about to swallow me whole
You can’t escape your own thoughts
Sadness has taken over
Mind, body and soul
I can’t keep holding on
12
20. Desolate
Blind with rage
Weakened with pain
Smashed my hopes
An alien in my mind
Stripped my soul
Took control
Overnight
No longer a warrior
Just, a submissive follower
A lawless world
Actions unnoticed
Justified sadness
Rational explanation
Now, you leave?
A desolate baby
I fear
My beloved depression
You are my world
14
21. Jaded
I am in a dark place
Hiding my true face,
Faking a laugh,
Faking a smile,
To ensure you don’t discover all my lies,
I am not the girl you see,
Just an imitation of the girl I wish I could be
I am dying inside,
Fading slowly,
Jaded thinking,
Slowly depression has taken over
Happiness is gone forever.
15
22. Promised Liberation
Holy Name
Promised liberation
A price tag attached
Our saviour or jailer?
Pain and Pleasure
Inflicted
In his holy name
His fallen angels
Seek salvation at his Divine feet
The supreme Lord Krshna
16
24. Drowning
Loneliness
An infectious disease
I do try
But silent tears
I still cry
Drowning
Can’t you see?
I’m not the angel I pretend to be
You say you love me
You’re never really here
All I have is my depression
It never disappears
18
25. Heartbreak
Endless hours
Quiet Contemplation
Tears hitting
Polished wooden floors
Barbed wire
Grating against my raw pale skin
Blankly staring
Waiting...
for a ring
Each time I hear a noise
A touch of electricity
Vibrates through my shattered heart
Hoping it's him
Disappointment
Realization
He is never coming home
19
27. Going Home
Porcelain Princess
Perfect in every way
wishing it all away
Underneath
Shattered glass tearing into her perfect skin
Burning inside like scalding hot coals
Begs to be free
Wrapped in lies
Tired of pretending all is fine
Captured
In a self made prison
Built with haunted memories
And forgotten smiles
All alone
Finally she is going home
Buried alive
In all her pain
Covered in dirt
Now one with the earth
21
28. The Race
Running a race
Life
Weighing on my shoulders
All this strife
Where is the finishing line?
Caught a glimpse
But it’s disappeared
Into the sweet abyss
Like my happiness
Always an illusion
I want to take the easy way out
But I will keep running
Pain won’t get the better of me
22
29. Family
Make me feel guilty
Think I am selfish
I am in control
To you
I am not strong enough
Do you really know me?
Is this is the way I want to be?
Helping me?
No
I can never be the person you want me to be
I am doing my best
Try and be family
Not like all the rest
23
31. Cycle
I can feel it creeping back
An injured bird
I cannot fly
Will be stuck in my depression
For a little while
Seems like eternity
Each minute crawling by
Then my mood will pick up
I will be free to fly
It’s a cycle
I have come to know well
25
32. Shattered
My acid tears
Thrown in his face
Corroding his scaly skin
Burning into his animal flesh
A simple disappointment
Leaving
Shattered promises
I remember our first kiss
Only now I realize
You were kissing her too
Holding me tight
While keeping her warm at night
Sadly
My love for you is stronger than my hate
26
33. Released Pain
Tiny slit
Sweet release
Blood droplets
Hypnotize me
A fountain of blood
Dancing on the crystal water
Floating away
Darkness has destroyed the pain
End is near
Now free
Blood has released me
27
34. Doll
Emptiness consumes me
An infectious disease
No escape
Silent tears
Depression in control
Drowning
Pretending
You say you love me
But you're never really here
My dear depression
Never disappears
Like a rag doll
Thrown in the trash
Come back
See through my façade
I may not say this a lot
But I love you
28
35. Living in Hell
Level headed
Intelligent
Smart enough to know the consequences of my actions
Causing the ones I love to suffer
I am the one living in hell
Excuse me
I don’t feel for you
Live in the darkness
See how long you stay
Before you wish it all away
29
36. Whole Again
You pretend to care,
Say what I want to hear
You broke my heart
Into tiny pieces,
I’m living in a hell that you created,
I am in pain
Somehow, wish you could feel the same,
Seeing you suffer,
Will make me whole again.
30
37. Obsessed
I am sitting here alone,
Constantly having obsessive thoughts of you,
You come back into my life,
Just to hurt me again,
With all the tears I cry
My pillow is stained,
You make me happy
You make me sad,
But I let you do it each time,
I can’t let you go
My obsession with you just grows,
You are not good for me
So leave my thoughts
Please
Then maybe this heartache will cease.
31
39. Cutting Death
Somedays
I wake up
Brave enough
To grab my trusty blade
Slice away
My human coat
A snake
My fake skin
Will shed
Revealing
A scared
Tortured
Ugly
Little girl
Who simply wants love
33
40. Rejection
Wide open space
Filled with laughs
Happy thoughts
Devil’s playing
I sit alone
Watching
Wondering why
I can’t seem to smile
Abandoned
Hear them talk
Point to me
Then they laugh
Like a blade slicing into my skin
I stare at them
Waiting for the bell to ring
Seeking acceptance
But receiving rejection
34
41. ground warmed by the sun
bell rings devils free to play
outcast, angel sits
35
42. Dark Face
Stuck in a dark room
All alone
Consumed in darkness
Can’t find the door
Can anyone hear my call?
Afraid I will be stuck here forever
It’s hopeless
Depression has finally taken over
36
43. Wide Open
Thank you
Caused me pain
Stole my self esteem
Pretending
To give a damn
Made me a fool
You lost the best thing that could ever happen to you
Well my eyes are now wide open
Too late,
I have moved on
Hope it doesn’t work out for you
37
44. Broken Anger
I am filled with anger,
And seek revenge
Is that so bad?
When I feel like the living dead
I want the world to stop,
Bleed the way I bleed,
Feel the pain I feel,
Hurt the way I hurt,
Judge me if you dare
I am already torn and broken
Do you think I care?
Let me know when you reached perfection
Then maybe your opinion will be worth my attention
38
46. Escape
When I scream
No one can hear
Cutting
Easy escape
All they see
Girl I pretend to be
Smile
Laugh
Fake happiness
All a façade
Just for you
My dear family
40
47. Contempt
Tired
Leave me
All figured out
Rather
Live a lie
You lost control
A battlefield you created
No winners
Created hatred and contempt
41
48. Miss You
Quarter past three
Wishing you were here
I sit crying
Do you think of me?
I keep wondering
Do you miss me
Like I miss you?
Are you with another girl?
Is she making you smile?
I hate you
You made me hurt
Please don’t leave me
42
52. Afterlife
This life is a curse
Soon it shall pass
Don’t cry for me
The after bliss will not last
Back to earth
I shall fall
Till heaven does call
I wait patiently
To be blessed with your light
Maybe I should keep up the fight
As difficult as it maybe
I know greatness awaits me
46
53. Fake
Pretending
We see the smiles
Behind closed doors
Suffering
Eventually
Just exhausting
All that lying
Scared of opinions
Blind
To the obvious
Everyone has a secret
47
54. Fire Anger
Ready to burn me to ashes
Consumes me day and night
Can’t escape
It helps me cope
Especially now
When I lost all hope
I have no control
It makes me feel so good
For a second in time
While silently
Crushes
My soul inside
48
55. Addicted
Each Day
Chipping away
Hands Shaking
Numb and Empty
Like cyanide
Ravaging my body
Once my saviour
Now my kidnapper
White coated pills
Gradually
Swallowing
Me whole
49
63. About the Author
Yoshira Marbel is 27 years old and lives in the vibrant
coastal city of Durban, South Africa. The city's various
population provide a rich tapestry of inspiration and
heartbreak which endlessly fuel her writing. This is her first
published collection, but it is by no means the last of her
poetry.
64. Special Thanks
This book’s print publication would not have been possible
without the financial support of the following people, who
pledged to its Kickstarter fundraiser:
John and Caroline Wise
Michelle Bar-Evan
Tyler Hurst
Nancy Kress
Jennifer White
Brian LaPan
Michael and Hillary Oliver
Bill Jonas Jr.
The greatest thanks goes to Bill Jonas Jr., whose
contribution went above and beyond even his own initial
expectations. Thank you, one and all. Your support has
allowed hopes and dreams to be fulfilled, and will open new
avenues of possibility for bringing this work to the world.
65. Acknowledgements
My best friend Karishma for all your support,
encouragement and love, tolerating my craziness, and being
willing to risk bad karma for me.
G.C. – Throughout this collection you have been my
inspiration. You will never know the extent of the
emotional turmoil your actions have caused in my life
nor realize how a simple lie or insult can destroy another
person’s mental stability, but you forced me to remove
my rose-tinted glasses and see the world as it truly is. The
disregard you have shown towards my feelings allowed my
inner-strength to shine, and I thank you. You could never
see the clear path I have given you to my soul and foolishly
I have never been able to lock the door. I wish I could hate
you.
To the people who have so kindly voiced their opinions on
my social skills and unwillingness to participate in mindless
conversations, to those who equate silence with stupidity,
to the spineless men who lost me, and to the people who
have the overwhelming desire to share their imperfect
knowledge of mental illness with me, “Thank you” doesn’t
seem to fully describe the feelings I have for you so I would
rather say “Fuck you.”
To the reasons why I am alive; Seroquel, Wellbutrin, and
Lamictal, you have seen me through the darkest days of my
life. Finally, a big thank you to me, for being the brilliant,
obsessive, intelligent, depressed, talented, schizoid person
that I am. You are awesome.
66. more poetry from
Modern Evil Press
by Yoshira Marbel:
Unspecified
by Teel McClanahan III:
The Vintage Collection
Worth 1k --- Volume 1
A collection of poetry instead of pictures
Worth 1k --- Volume 2
Working, eating, pain and longing
